Disclaimer: I do't own ANY of the characters. I don't even own the mangas! (but i will, soon enough! though that won't give me a right over the characters, it would still be pretty awesome) But i own more than half of the episodes... And i don't own Astral Romance. Last i checked i wasn't an opera singer named Tarja Turunen, nor was i part of the Nightwish band.

Recap: Tohsaka is thinking at the beginning how different Shirou's situation was from all the other master in the history of the Holy Grail Wars. Shirou also went to his first research day at Rin's house and found some interesting magic information that he didn't know of before. Most of it will help him in the futute.

Chapter 4

- Astral Romance -

Today I wasn't as lucky. Sakura already got home about 20 minutes before I did, and because I wasn't there and I didn't give any warning ahead of time that I might be late, by the time I got home she was so worried she haven't even started cooking yet. I was grateful that at least Ilya had a set of keys afnd she could let Sakura in. I would've hated myself if I knew she had to wait outside.

Sakura was easy to reassure, especially when I told her that I was at Tohsaka's for the research project. Ilya on the other hand scolded me when I got home, while we were setting up the table and it continued up until Fuji-nee came. Although she wasn't happy with me that I didn't give a warning ahead of time either, she was nonetheless defending me in the matter. The two somehow never got along as well as I hoped.

I was forced to tell them that I would be going to Tohsaka's every day after school for a while except the days I was gone for my part-time job to work on our project, although two out of the three people weren't so happy about that.

"Will you be home in time for dinner, Senpai?" Sakura asked as she handed me another bowl of rice.

"I will try to. Today I lost track of time, that's why I was late," I gave her an apologetic smile that she returned. I turned to Ilya. "Unless you want to stay home by yourself, come home after five," I told her and she pouted.

"I hardly see you at all, Onii-chan!" she scowled at me and looked like she was going to start scolding me again.

"When is the project due, Shirou?" Fuji-nee took that moment to ask her question. She didn't look up at me as she did, she was too busy counting the meatballs and splitting them among us, like she always did.

I, on the other hand, was temporarily stunned because I didn't know what to tell her. I never actually thought about this, and since I didn't know exactly how long it could take… "It's due right before we take the summer break," I said, making this the safest bet. It was late April now, I had more than enough time until July 21st when we had summer break.

"He's giving you a long time to work on it," she noted, but her tone didn't sound suspicious at all, so I didn't worry.

"Yeah, well, it's supposed to be a hard project and it's worth a lot on our final grade," I invented wildly. Fuji-nee seemed satisfied with my answers, so she didn't ask anymore. I was glad that at least she didn't ask what the project was on, but I knew that she didn't regard the other subjects nearly as important or interesting as her own.

"I know you'll do well, Shirou, you have good grades in school. Kiritsugu would be proud," she praised me and I felt a rush of affection toward her as well as shame for lying to her. Sakura nodded and smiled at me and I couldn't help not to smile back. I let my worries to the side, knowing that what they didn't know didn't hurt them.

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The next morning I let myself sleep in, knowing that Sakura and Fuji-nee wouldn't be coming over this morning, with Sakura having archery club. Therefore I fixed a quick breakfast just for me and Ilya and I was soon on my way, leaving her to do the dishes, like she always did in the morning. After reminding her that I will be staying until five at Tohsaka's, I went on my way to school.

I wasn't surprised at all to find Tohsaka waiting for me at the stop light. She had, yet again, beat me to it.

"Did you wait long?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"I just got here," she said and walked the rest of the way to school in silence, like we almost always did. The silence that settled between us was never awkward to me. When I was around some people, although comfortable with silence, I sometimes felt the need to break it, as sensing that person wanted me to say more or to continue talking. But with Tohsaka, it was different. We both enjoyed the silence and took advantage of it. She was one of the few people with whom I could be silent and not get a worried glance because of it.

"Tohsaka," I started to get her attention. Her blue eyes looked up at me, waiting. "Do you think we can research in the weekend too?"

She thought about it for few seconds. We were close to school now, and I started hearing bits and pieces of conversations from fellow students around us, but paid them no attention. "Don't you work Saturdays?"

"I do, but after four. We could cover at least two hours after lunch, I think."

Tohsaka considered what I said. "We could probably work a little bit between 1 and 3:30 p.m. You could go to work right after if you want." She agreed and I was grateful I didn't have to wait through the whole weekend to research, especially that she had no intention of lending me her books.

"What about Sunday?" I asked.

"Shirou," she said sharply and I regretted asking. "Don't push it. I agreed to help you, but that doesn't mean I'll be wasting my time all weekend locked up in the library."

"You don't have to, but I can," I said, but I knew the argument was lost.

"No, Shirou. You need a break too. At least Sundays try not to think about any of this," she advised me. I didn't comment, mainly because I didn't want to lie to her, and if I told her the truth, she would only get mad at me again.

None of us said a word after that and we parted at the school door with just a few. Then I went through the daily routine again and tried not to let the monotony swallow me whole. The year just started for only a month, and while some teachers mercifully moved on to the new material, most of them were still reviewing stuff from last year.

I wasn't even sure why they went through all the trouble. How much can we really forget in two weeks? I shrugged internally and forced a concentrating look on my face to make it seem like I was listening, while my mind drifted to much more pleasant thoughts.

I guess my expression was either too convincing or not convincing enough, because I suddenly heard Sayuri-sensei call my name and I had to focus on what she was saying, so that I wouldn't blow my cover.

"Shirou, what is the area of the circle?" she asked me and gave me her familiar look from behind her rectangular spectacles.

"Pi times radius squared," I answered. She smiled at me, praised me for getting it right then went ahead with her lecture, as I went on wandering in my own thoughts. For at least this period, I was safe – Sayuki-sensei didn't ask the same person twice a question unless she knew they weren't paying attention, and while I wasn't, I was nonetheless doing a very good job pretending.

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"Tohsaka," I asked her to get her attention. She was sitting across from me as we did the day before, at the same round table in the library. I was reading a very interesting book called The Great Grail – I was looking for The World and Beyond, the book I was reading yesterday, but I came across this one instead and forgot about my search.

"What is it, Shirou?" she asked, but by the sound of her tone, she was only half-listening.

"In here it says that the original founders of the Grail were the Tohsaka, Makiri and Einzbern families and their only purpose was to create a path toward Akasha," I read and looked up from my book to see if she was listening. Her blue eyes were focused on me, silently urging me to continue. "Well, for one thing, it's obvious that they haven't created it to share it with four other people. And also, it seems like the war took another route. They aren't interested in Akasha anymore."

Tohsaka sighed heavily. "The Tohsaka family stayed true to their ambitions. My father, Tohsaka Tokiomi, fought in the 4th Grail War to establish that path. All the other families gave up on that ideal long ago because they believed it to be impossible."

"What happened to him?" I asked, folding my arms on top of the book, listening intently.

"He died in the previous Grail War," she said, her words perfectly calm, unflinching. Her words made me think of my foster father and my natural parents and the grief I felt after their passing. The mere memory of that grief made my stomach churn painfully and make my breath get caught up in my throat.

I cleared my throat in an attempt to ease the lump that formed there. "I'm sorry," I said, though her tone was still strange to my ears. I thought that maybe she was hiding her true feelings, like she did so many other times.

"Don't be," she said easily and looked down at her book again. "He was an arrogant fool and believed nothing could touch him. That belief alone might as well have killed him."

I looked away, feeling more than a little uneasy that we were discussing matters such as this that, in my opinion, were none of my business, although Tohsaka seemed to see nothing wrong with it. I tried to change the subject. "And what about the three families? Why are there now seven Magi instead of just three?"

"It didn't happen only now, but ever since the first Holy Grail War," she corrected me. "For the Grail to appear there has to be only one Servant left alive. During the war, the Grail absorbs energy from the servants that have been eliminated, but only two servants weren't enough for it to materialize. It always chose one member of each of the founding families, and the rest are 'hand-picked,' depending on how great is their desire for it." Tohsaka's face seemed expressionless, but the way her eyes were studying me, I could tell that she was wondering how I was taking all of this in.

"Why was I chosen, then? I didn't even know about the war, let alone want it."

"There have been mistakes in the past," she trailed off, looking away, but only briefly before meeting my eyes again. "But I don't think you were one of them, Shirou." She paused, waiting for me to comment. When I didn't, she went on. "The Grail's ways are a mystery. You didn't desire the Grail, but you had a wish you were desperate to fulfill."

"But the Grail doesn't grant the winner's wish," I said, feeling more confused and frustrated the more we talked about this. "Doesn't it only grant destruction?"

"Ever since its corruption in third Holy Grail War, yes, but you still fulfilled your wish, Shirou," Tohsaka said and all I could do was stare at her. She elaborated. "You destroyed the Grail and stopped another Fuyuki Fire to happen. I don't know if you know this, but when the fire happened, 500 people were killed and more than a 100 buildings were burned down. You saved many lives that night."

I swallowed, never actually thinking about it that way. I only went with my gut instinct, which was telling me very clearly that using the power of the Grail to turn things back around would be wrong, an insult of the memory of all those people who died in that fire. I found out much later that the Grail only fulfilled one wish and one wish only.

Thinking about the lives that I saved by destroying the Grail made me think of my dad. Despite the fact that he always supported me in my wish to become a Hero of Justice, he told me one thing. To save someone is to not save someone else. He told me that many times, though I refused to believe him, thinking I could save everyone from their pain and suffering. But now, as I thought about those 500 people that I saved, I thought what casualties I had on the sidelines, the ones I couldn't save. I thought that…maybe there aren't any. The only casualties there were during the grail were the gas leaks (that I later found were not gas leaks at all) and when Shinji put up that barrier around the school and neither times anybody was killed, just minor injuries.

As I realized that, I thought of it as a great personal achievement that I could prove Kiritsugu wrong on this and I hoped that, wherever he was, he was convinced now. And more so, that he was proud. I accomplished something he had not during his life, but he had always dreamed of accomplishing.

Then, I briefly wondered if all the other Masters that participated in the War after its corruption knew about this or were oblivious to everything else except fulfilling their greedy desires. The Servants were another matter. Most of them had pure reasons to fight in the war. It seems like a terrible joke for them to fight for something that wasn't going to happen.

I started reading again where I left off, trying to piece together everything. For somebody like me, who had little to no information on magic, this all seems a lot more involved than I originally anticipated. I tried to concentrate on the lines from the book and keep my mind from going astray. Create a path toward Akasha…

"Has the Tohsaka family ever won the Grail War?" I asked her, feeling my chest swell up at the possibility.

However, her answer deflated my hopeful bubble. "No."

I looked down in disappointment. "So a path toward Akasha was never established," I said, purposely not making it a question. Tohsaka shook her head.

"All the other families gave up on that ideal," she repeated.

"Do you think it's possible?" I raised an eyebrow at her, curious of her opinion.

For the first time, she seemed a little uncomfortable. Tohsaka looked away. "I don't know. It has never been done before. There are so many theories about it, it's hard to tell which one is true and which isn't. That is, if any of them are true and it's not just an ancient fairy tale."

I sighed heavily and closed my book a little too roughly. "I think I'll be going now," I said and went to put the book away.

Tohsaka looked taken aback as she stared at me in surprise, her eyes briefly turning to the great, big clock that hung on the opposite wall. "Are you sure?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yeah. I want to go for a short walk before I go home," I said and though I could feel Tohsaka watching me, I didn't meet her eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow at one," I said and waved at her as I went.

Her reply got lost along the way as I succumbed into my thought before I even got to the door. I had a sudden need for fresh air and some time to settle my thoughts in order before I went back home. I didn't even need to think very clearly where I wanted to go, because my feet were already taking me to the place my heart craved to see. I haven't been there in a while, and it's peaceful and quiet, perfect in my search for solitude.

I have visited this place often after she left, being one of the few where her memory is the most vivid. They came to me effortlessly when I was there, even if they weren't the most cheerful of them.

When I realized how fast I was walking, I forced myself to slow down once I reached the bridge. I sighed, already feeling at ease and I let my muscles relax more than they had in a while. I leaned against the metal rail and gazed up at the lake and noticed how the sunlight shimmered on the water. From a distance, they looked like tiny diamonds glistening in the sun. I closed my eyes briefly and let the warm late-spring breeze blow in my face lightly, inhaling the sweet scent of the lake that it brought along with it.

I noticed the sun was still up, quite a bit away from the horizon.

That day the sun was setting…

"Saber, you need to find happiness here. You need to live for yourself now," I remember telling her, in a futile attempt to convince her to stay. Regardless of how much I admired her determination, back then all I saw was her childish stubbornness talking to me, not the King of Knights. I was almost desperate to convince her that at that time I didn't realize how much I was hurting her.

"I promised to follow you," she said, "but that does not mean I gave you my heart as well, Master." Her voice was filled to contempt at the words, but I didn't flinch. I didn't want to show any weakness or room for swaying. I knew it was now or never.

I remember our fight that night clearly, as her harsh words swam around in my head. I have had a single desire from the beginning, from when I took hold of the sword, and this pledge will never change… What do you, of all people, know about me? You have no right to step into my heart… Only the dead put others before themselves… I would not mind voiding our contract… My only goal is the Holy Grail. Everything else is irrelevant. You are no exception.

I was so angered by the words that she flung at me that night that I temporarily let it overpower me and I left her there. Even now I feel a pang of shame for doing that. I shouldn't have let her words hurt me so, and even if I did, I should never have left. I was lucky that nobody attacked her while I was gone, although I knew she could defend herself. At least, against the normal Servants, and by that time, only Lancer was left. But it wasn't Lancer I was worried about.

It was Gilgamesh. If I wouldn't have been there to Trace Avalon, I don't know how things would've ended up that night. That night I told her I loved her. It was hardly appropriate, I would have liked to do it some other time, but that was the time it came out.

"There is nothing that I care more about than you, Saber. Not a single thing I have can take your place. I love you more than anything." Those were my exact words. Gilgamesh accused me of being unworthy of Saber, that she was too valuable for the likes of me. That is one and possibly the only account I could agree with him on. Maybe I wasn't worthy of Saber. Maybe I'm still not and maybe I never will. But I was worthier of her than he will ever be. My desire wasn't to posses her, but to care for her and bring her happiness, as much as she brought me with her mere presence. Even more.

I wanted her to be happier than anybody else. That is why I chose to let her go. Despite my initial selfishness, I did it.

I loved Saber. I closed my eyes against the weight of the words. I love her.

I sighed heavily and when I opened my eyes, I saw the sun was just about to touch the horizon, and I wondered what time it was and how long I have stayed here, unmoving, lost in thought. I didn't have a watch on me, nor were there any clocks around for me to determine the hour, so I decided to head back. I took one last look on the lake and for a second, against the fiery colors of the setting sun, I pictured Saber having a small smile on her lips, and her eyes soft, tender.

In my mind, she spoke only one word. My name.

A/N: I hope you guys liked this chapter, though it was slightly shorter. Shirou misses Saber and he thinks about her a lot, but this time i showed you what he is thinking. I miss Saber too, i want to have her in my story. But anyway, i hope you enjoy it!

Read and review, please!