-Chapter 5-
"I love you, Brittany. I never gave up on you. I never gave up on us."
Santana said her goodbyes to Anna and John quietly and thanked them for dinner. She left as quickly as possible, before any questions could be asked. The thought of having to explain that she had just lost her entire world made her stomach churn. The winter cold nipped at her fingertips as Santana fumbled with her keys, trying to get the remote to unlock her car. Just as she finally heard it unlock and she popped the door open, it was slammed shut just as quickly. Santana jumped back, startled, and looked down to see Brittany, blue eyes pleading.
"We always watch the ball drop together," Brittany said. "Please come back."
It took her a little off guard but Santana nodded and forced a little smile. "Okay," she whispered.
Santana locked her car and followed Brittany back up the ramp into the house; John and Anna both smiled as the pair came through the door. Without a word, the older couple exited the living room to the kitchen leaving Santana and Brittany in the living room. Santana took a seat on the couch and, much to her surprise, Brittany parked her chair and hoisted herself onto the couch with ease.
"Wow...that's impressive."
Brittany shrugged. "I want to walk. Gotta start somewhere."
"Your mom said it's possible. I know if you want to, you will." Santana cautiously reached over and placed her hand on Brittany's knee. The blonde smiled.
"I can feel it."
"Awesome."
"Can you do something for me?" Brittany whispered, dropping her head, picking her fingernails.
"I can try."
"I was like, really angry...before. I couldn't figure out why anyone would want me since I was broken. Then you started not spending time with me...Like we never got married, you know? I thought it was because you were gonna leave me if something bad ever happened. I know I was wrong but it just all made sense in my head and I'm really, really sorry. Can you forgive me?"
Santana took a deep breath and swallowed hard. It was everything she had wanted for the last two months. Brittany was in front of her, asking her to come back. Asking for things to be the way they were again. But something inside of Santana made her actually stop and think about it for a minute. Who was to say that Brittany wouldn't pull this again if she got frustrated? Who was to say that Santana herself wouldn't get angry with the situation again? Her hesitation apparently was cause for concern because Brittany's eyes went wide and she bit down on her lower lip.
"You don't have to answer now," Brittany said quickly. "Answer me in a week. I want you to come to the doctor with me and you can answer me then, okay?"
Santana nodded.
The pair watched the ball drop in Times Square on TV but, for the first time since before high school, they didn't kiss on the lips. Brittany instead leaned over and pecked Santana's cheek.
XXXXXXXXXX
"She wants me to go to the doctor with her," Santana said. It was her now almost daily phone call to Los Angeles, keeping Quinn and Rachel updated on everything. She was enjoying a glass of Merlot before bed, curled up with her Snuggie on the couch with Food Network on in the background.
"What kind of doctor?" Rachel asked.
"I don't know, a freakin' doctor."
"Well there are several kinds of doctors that Brittany could be seeing. She could be seeing a physical therapist, orthopedic doctor, psychiatrist, general physician, neurologist..."
"Why would she see a shrink?"
"Traumatic injuries tend to leave people emotionally damaged," Rachel stated matter-of-factly. "When I had laryngitis in high school it nearly sent me into a tailspin not being able to perform and hear the applause of an audience. It was quite traumatic. I still have nightmares."
"I think you should go back to seeing one. You're crazy, Berry."
"What Rachel is trying to say," Quinn cut in, "is that it probably wasn't the actual Brittany that left you. I mean, look what happened to me in high school. I took a while to figure out who I was again senior year. Britt's probably doing the same. It all worked out in the end for me and it'll all work out for you guys, too."
"She said she was worried that we never got married."
"I've often wondered about that particular situation," Rachel said. "May I ask why? I mean, surely the financial aspect of it would've enticed you to it."
"Never thought about it. We were doing fine and we were able to be listed as emergency contacts and stuff."
"Do you want to marry her?"
"I don't know. I mean...I always kind of considered us married. I told you, never thought about it."
"I would highly suggest thinking about it. Not out of a sense of obligation, of course, but because you want to. I assure you, Brittany will be able to tell the difference."
"Whatever you say, Berry."
XXXXXXXXXX
When Brittany shot Santana a text telling her how to get to the doctor, Santana was shocked to find that it wasn't at the hospital. She arrived at a small building, a sign next to the door reading "Lima Psychiatric Practice". Berry had been right. Brittany was seeing a shrink. Santana wondered how long this had been going on - the doctors in New York had suggested it but Brittany had always declined. No one argued with her at the time.
Santana spotted the Pierce's van pull into the parking lot, she immediately darted to pull open the door and help Brittany undo the buckles that were out of her reach. The blonde smiled bright, her blue eyes shimmering with happiness and excitement upon seeing Santana.
"You came," Brittany said happily.
"I told you I would."
"Yeah, but I thought...I thought if you figured out where we were going you'd back out."
"I'm not going anywhere, Britt."
John waited in the van, waving to Santana and Brittany, as the pair headed into the building. Santana was slightly uncomfortable, feeling as though she was invading Brittany's privacy by being there. She'd never been to a psychiatrist, the closest she got was listening to Rachel. Brittany checked herself in, the receptionist seemed to know exactly who she was, telling Santana that Brittany had probably been going there for quite some time. They only waited a few minutes before Brittany was called back, the name on the door of the room read 'Dr. Jessica Rahl'. The woman seemed nice enough when she greeted the pair. Santana took a seat on the center section of the couch, Brittany hoisted herself over to take her place on Santana's left.
"How are we doing today, Brittany?" Jessica asked.
"Good. This is Santana."
"Nice to meet you, Santana."
"Yeah...yeah, you too."
"My parents made me come when I got home," Brittany said. "I didn't want to but they said I had to."
"And it helped?" Santana asked.
"Yeah. I mean...I have to take medicine, too. Like I said, I was really angry."
"Why don't we pick up where we left off last time and talk about pushing Santana away, Brittany? You said she might like to hear about that."
Santana nodded. She listened intently as Brittany poured her heart out talking about feeling broken and helpless, not wanting to burden Santana. They were things that Brittany had yelled at Santana in the hospital but in the more quiet setting, it was easier for Santana to absorb and really understand. She really did get it. It was like when she was going through realizing who she was in high school. She pushed everyone away, thinking she was broken. She was angry but she got through it. When Brittany stopped talking, Santana reached over and took her hand. The Latina didn't know it was possible, but even after being together for so many years and knowing everything there was to know about Brittany, she felt connected to her on a completely different level.
"I'm really proud of you, Britt," Santana said with a smile. It was true. Brittany had come a long way not only physically but emotionally.
"I get why you were angry all the time."
"Hey, I got through it. And you're going to get through this."
"I still love you, San."
"I love you too, B."
"I really want to be with you." Brittany shrugged. "I've always wanted you."
"I want that, too."
XXXXXXXXXX
It started slow, at Santana's insistence and Jessica's suggestion. Brittany's routine had to be concrete with physical, occupational, and psychiatric therapy. Between that she had her dance lessons and so Santana had to ease back into Brittany's life slowly. The Latina was fine with that. She had her job to consider. They started off only seeing each other outside of doctors appointments – Brittany needed to focus during her therapies and it would be difficult with Santana as a distraction. Santana would come over for dinner and Brittany would sometimes come in and bring her lunch.
"I told you she'd come around," Quinn said. Santana could hear the smirk in her voice.
"It's hard but I get it. She has to focus on therapy. How's Waddles McPreggo?"
"Ready to pop any day now."
"Quinn!" Santana heard Rachel yell in the background. "Quinn, I'm stuck on the couch again! I can't get up!"
"Is there any way you can film that?"
"Be nice, Santana."
Sure enough, it was only a few days later that Santana opened a message on her phone of Rachel and Quinn in the hospital, each with a baby in their arms. It was a little sickeningly sweet that it was Valentine's Day.
Harmony and Jonah. Mom and babies are doing great, can't wait for you to meet them. I'll call you later xo -Q
That night, Santana showed up at the Pierce house with a dozen red roses. She took Brittany to dinner and back to her place, their first night spent together since before the accident. The feel of Brittany under her fingertips was reminiscent of a time much simpler but also the promise of a future. It was ecstasy. Out of breath and completely sated, Santana snuggled up to Brittany's side and lay her head on the blonde's shoulder. The light came in just under Brittany's neck just right, showing the shadow of a scar that still remained on the back of her neck. Santana couldn't help but kiss it. The pair lay there in quiet for what seemed like forever – Santana occasionally pressing feather-light kisses to Brittany's neck, making her giggle.
"Quinn and Rachel had their twins today," Santana whispered finally. "Harmony and Jonah."
"Cool."
"Yeah...they're pretty cute. You know, for kids from them."
"I know you love them, San." Santana was silent but a smile tugged at her lips. "Do you think," Brittany continued, her voice quiet and nervous, "do you think maybe...I mean...someday maybe we could have some, too? I can still try to be a good mom, you know? Even if I don't walk."
Santana didn't even have to think about her response. "Baby," she whispered, "you'll be a great mom."
At the beginning of March and on Brittany's demand, Santana took an afternoon off and met her girlfriend at the hospital for physical therapy. It was the first time Santana would see a session since Brittany threw her out. The last session Santana had seen, Brittany was still working her arms. Now, her arms were stronger than they had been before the accident and the blonde was determined to do the same with her legs. Santana followed behind as Brittany rolled through the hallways like she owned the place. The pair came to a halt in a giant room that resembled a gym with low, large, square, padded tables in the middle of the room.
Brittany didn't hesitate hoisting herself onto an empty table. A tall man with red hair strolled into the room holding a file. He smiled when he spotted Brittany and tossed the file on a desk.
"How we doin' today, Britt?" he asked, kneeling and wrapping his hand around the back of Brittany's calf to massage the muscle.
"Good. This is my girlfriend, Santana."
The man smiled up at Santana and switched calves. "I'm Robin, Britt's been talking about you. She's pretty excited for today."
"What's happening today?"
"You'll see," Brittany said.
Santana waited patiently while Robin stretched out Brittany's legs and she only growled once when his hands went a little too far up Brittany's thigh for Santana's liking. She knew it was part of the therapy but this was her girl, damn it. Never mind the fact that Robin had a wedding ring on. Brittany lifted some weights and showed off her guns, earning a chuckle from Santana.
"You exercised this morning like I told you to, right?"
"Yep."
"I think you're ready, then."
"Me too."
It was a little infuriating, like being on the outside of an inside joke for Santana. She was impatient as it was but when it came to therapy and progress, her patience drew even more thin. Robin had handed Brittany a belt and the blonde was busy fitting it around her waist as he pushed her chair to a set of parallel bars and parked the chair at one end of them. Brittany pulled her legs and placed them firmly on the ground and took a deep breath. Santana immediately figured it out.
"Alright," Robin said, getting a grip on the belt. "Grab on."
Santana held her breath as Brittany reached out and gripped onto the parallel bars. With Robin pulling up at the belt and Brittany pulling forward, the blonde was on her feet in a split second and steadying herself on the bars, readjusting her grip. Brittany was standing. Upright.
"How do you feel, Brit?" Robin asked.
"Good."
"How're the legs holding up?"
"I don't know."
"I'm going to loosen my grip a little, okay?"
Santana kept holding her breath. Brittany nodded.
Robin loosened his grip a little and Santana let out a frustrated sigh when Brittany immediately dropped, her knees giving way.
"That's okay, it's only the first time. I want you to try to kick your right leg forward, okay?"
Santana begin screaming internally, willing for Brittany to just take off in a sprint. She knew the blonde could move her legs, Brittany kicked in her sleep and she had been exercising them religiously with giant, colorful rubber bands attached to various stationary objects around the Pierce house. But Santana had no idea that Brittany had come this far.
The focus on Brittany's face rivaled anything Santana had ever seen. Her right leg moved forward, followed by her left. Robin was still holding on tight and the flex in Brittany's biceps told Santana that most of the weight was on her arms. But damn it all of Brittany wasn't nearly walking. It was enough to make Santana feel tears well up. It had been nearly eight months since the accident and with those few steps, Brittany had defied every single odd there was.
Brittany kept kicking forward, inching along the bars until her shoulders began shaking. Sweat was dripping from her forehead and her jaw twitched as she clenched it. Santana almost said something but Robin was a step ahead of her; he quickly slipped one arm behind Brittany's knees and picked her up to carry her back to her chair. Brittany was exhausted, Santana could tell. The Latina knelt down and reached out to wipe the sweat from Brittany's forehead. She was met with a smile brighter than she'd seen in months.
"I am so proud of you, Britt," Santana choked. "Baby, I'm so proud."
"I did it."
"You did it."
"I'm really glad you were here, San."