Disclaimer: After all this time, I still do not own FSN, though I desperately want to own the mangas. I don't own the song either, it belongs to Framing Hanley.
A/N: Ok, now let me explain. It's kind of a long story, so if you want to just skip to the actual story, you are welcome to. But I feel compelled to explain myself.
You see, about a year ago or so, this chapter went through many, many changes. I will give you one tiny spoiler about this chapter. It's in Sakura's POV. Sakura was an incredible challenge for me to write, definitely one of the hardest characters to write in their POV ever, in my opinion. I'm not sure if it beats Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, because I still haven't brought myself to write something in his POV yet, but anyway. Back on topic, this chapters has been in the works for a long time, and I'm not talking about the year I've been "away." I'm talking about the time when I was still working on this story. I never seemed to get it right for various reasons, mainly because I put too much emphasis on Heaven's Feel, since it's mainly Sakura's story in that route. However, since i haven't played the game, that proved to be extremely difficult. So i left the chapter unfinished and never published it.
In this time I've been away though, though I haven't actually worked on Lady of the Past, this thought has stayed in my mind and I've made a decision. Some of you may not agree with it, but if it will help me write this story even a little bit faster, I will do it. I've decided to only use my knowledge on the characters, and whatever else I can learn from helpful websites. I don't own the game, and I do not have the time to watch all the videos of Heaven's Feel to make the story - or, at least Sakura's part - perfect. Yes, Sakura deserves better than that, but for now that is what i can do.
This is fanfiction. I want to make something work and I will make it work. If i have to go through some story barriers I will do it. I have an obligation to this story to tell it.
A/N #2: Quick recap on the chapter titles, since it's been a while:
- [Chapter Name] - : Shirou's POV
~ [Chapter Name] ~ : Rin's POV
And now the new one:
* [Chapter Name] * : Sakura's POV
Chapter 10
* Built for Sin *
I don't know for how long I kept looking at the door, not necessarily hoping he would come right back, but more out of incredulity.
She stole so much from me already. Was she aiming to take Senpai away too? Was she trying to separate me from the one person that brought me happiness for so long? The one reason I went on living for all this time when there seemed to be no hope left? Did she think I was too happy with him? Or maybe…It wasn't her doing. Maybe not this time, or ever. Fate obviously seemed to favor her over me. Was this time no different? Taking away all my means of escape and comfort?
It worked until now, after all.
I frowned despite myself. When will she stop haunting me? Nee-san. Rin Tohsaka. Part of the family that refused to even acknowledge me since the age of five. Daughter of the father that had never actually acknowledged me.
"Ugh, that boy," Fujimura-sensei's voice brought me back to reality. She and Ilya-chan had been looking at the door too, so I had enough time to take a deep calming breath and put on a smile, at least until dinner was over. I didn't want them to see how much what happened had upset me; I'd hate to worry them, these people that were as close to a family as I ever had.
"Don't bother with him, Sakura," Fujimura-sensei continued. "Sometimes he has the tact of a toothbrush." She pondered for a short while. "Maybe you should punish him by not making him dinner tomorrow. Come to my house instead."
Her comment made my smile look more natural. "It's all right. It's not like it happens on a daily basis. It was an emergency." It certainly looked like an emergency. I've never seen such urgency and excitement in his eyes.
I saw Ilya-chan nod and I turned my eyes on her. "Onii-chan never misses dinner if he can help it. He likes spending time with us too much," she smiled good-naturedly and then took a meticulous bite out of her eggroll like she was a little princess with immaculate table manners. I briefly wondered, as I saw her carefree smile how had life been like for her.
She seemed like the type of child that spend her childhood without being terrorized and tortured every minute of the day. It must have been truly wonderful.
Dinner continued as usual, though without Senpai it seemed to be a lot different.
Fujimura-sensei and Ilya-chan went on as usual with their chatter and while I tried to keep up or maybe even join in, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I watched them while I ate slowly. None of the words they were saying were sinking in and I couldn't taste what I was mechanically putting in my mouth.
"These are delicious, Sakura-chan!" Fujimura-sensei praised me.
Really? I thought they tasted like nothing at all.
As if she heard me, Ilya-chan nodded vehemently, taking an unusually big bite off her eggroll as if to prove her point. So much for table manners, I mentally chuckled.
I studied my two unofficial family members, while at the same time I tried to shove the images of the past back into the back of my head where they usually were – silently brooding and planning for another opportunity to come out in the open. As I looked from Fujimura-sensei to Ilya-chan, I was suddenly struck by the thought that though our bond may not be by blood, it was the closest thing to it: a deep, long relationship. Though my mind wasn't absorbing their words, I could tell by their expressions that they were enjoying themselves. They got along a lot better than they had in the past, due to Fujimura-sensei's effort and Ilya-chan's willingness. That fact made me glad. We were as close to a family as we could be.
My smile faded despite myself at the thought of the word family and the memories it brought, most of which were of my mother and Rin. Even after so long, the word "family" still brought up their images. I hardly remember my father at all, he was almost never around, and when he was, he had eyes only for Rin. I remember well the feeling of yearning for my father's loving arms around me while he hardly even acknowledged my existence.
I remember spying on them once when father was teaching Rin about magic. They were both in his study and I was right by the door, plastered to the wall, listening intently. The first time was most shocking, though I was absolutely fascinated by their conversation. My eyes widened in wonder at the unfamiliarity of the words used. "Thaumaturgy." "Magecraft." "Magic Crest." "Prana." I didn't know what any of them meant, but I loved to listen. I was never included.
I started making a habit out of eavesdropping on their conversations. Once, I heard Father tell Nee-san, "I know that one day you will bring us the Holy Grail and make our ideals come true. Make me proud, Rin." I sighed. I wished—
"Onee-chan?" Ilya's voice made me focus back on her. I wondered for how long I have been out.
"Sakura-chan, are you all right? You hardly touched your food at all," she looked worried and I immediately felt guilty for letting my control slip.
"No, I'm fine, I just dozed off," I smiled at her and out of the corner of my eye I surveyed how much food was left to estimate how much longer dinner will last. I really wanted to be alone at the moment, which was strange. I usually didn't like being by myself – it reminded me too much of the past. At the same time, I never actually craved the company of people my age. I never seemed to fit in.
"Oh no!" Fujimura-sensei's eyes widened in mock horror. "Not you too! Shirou must have given you the love-sickness disease!" she exclaimed and pointed an accusing finger at me. Then her expression changed to something I only saw behind Senpai's back or when he wasn't present. She grinned and leaned in as she said in a low voice, "But of course, you already had it, didn't you?"
I flushed deeply and looked at my hands that were clutching my skirt for dear life in a habitual action of when I was embarrassed.
"Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at?" Ilya sounded as if a secret has been kept behind her back. Which was exactly what happened. "Onee-chan likes somebody?" her big, crimson eyes widened at the prospect.
Fujimura-sensei grinned and leaned in toward Ilya. "Actually, Sakura likes Shirou." She winked and Ilya's eyes, if possible, got even wider. Her mouth hung open for few seconds before she smiled widely.
"Onee-chan likes Onii-chan!" Ilya-chan chanted, clapping her hands happily, "Onee-chan likes Onii-chan!"
"Ilya-chan—" I was flustered beyond belief and tried, unsuccessfully, to stop her chanting.
"Shhh!" Fujimura-sensei hushed her sharply. "That's a secret. Onii-chan mustn't find out!"
Ilya pouted, jutting out her lower lip and frowned but said nothing more. She was obviously not pleased at all that she was supposed to keep it. I assumed she liked spilling secrets a lot better.
Fujimura-sensei leaned away, but her expression didn't change. "I wouldn't worry, Sakura. The way I see it, Shirou's friendship with Rin Tohsaka is strictly professional. He likes you a lot better," I looked up to meet her eyes and she winked.
I didn't say anything, mostly because though I desperately wanted to believe her words, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've liked Senpai for the longest time and I had absolutely no idea what to do about that fact. Nee-san seemed better than me in all aspects possible. If even my own father chose her over me, why wouldn't Senpai do the same? I looked away from her confident expression.
Fujimura-sensei sighed heavily. "Thank you for the delicious food, Sakura. Again," she smiled at me and I was glad the previous conversation was over, "Let me help you clean up." I looked at my mostly untouched food and decided I wasn't going to finish it so I nodded. We cleaned up fast, and didn't have any leftovers. I wondered what Senpai would eat…
After we were done, Fujimura-sensei bid her goodbye. Before she left she looked over her shoulder at me. "I assume you will be staying to wait for Shirou to come back, is that right?" she asked. I flushed slightly and nodded. I already made up my mind to make him another batch of eggrolls because he only ate two before he left and I wasn't sure if he would eat anything in the meantime.
"All right, then. Ilya," she turned to Ilya, "come to my house tonight."
"But Ilya wants to see Onii-chan and Onee-chan together!" she complained and that made me blush a shade darker.
"Okay then. I'll have the doughnuts and ice cream all for myself," she turned to leave the motion was too slow to be credible. Ilya widened her eyes at the prospect of missing such an opportunity and walked over to Fujimura-sensei's side. "Ilya's coming," she declared and Fujimura-sensei smiled as if she knew that could work. As I watched the two walk away from the house I thought about how much alike the two of them were.
I closed the door and faced the empty house, my smile already whipped off my lips. I sighed heavily. It was so much different without Senpai there. The house didn't feel nearly as welcoming, nor as warm. Just as I had that thought, I wrapped my arms around myself in an unconscious gesture. I went to clean the table and then I started on the eggrolls, trying to keep myself busy so that the voices of the past would go by unnoticed. It was much harder to ignore them when I was by myself, possibly because the very fact reminded me too much of my time while Zouken was alive.
I was glad he was dead. He was the one person that I could say that about: I am glad that he died. My tormentor was out of my life for over a year now and I couldn't muster enough curiosity to find out how it happened.
I remembered unwillingly some of the worst firsts of my life. My first time away from home that, from that point on, wasn't my home anymore, but I kept referring to it as such. My first time in the worm-infested basement, which was on the third day since I've been at the Matou house. The first time he ever touched me I flinched away, frightened as well as disgusted by the stranger. The first time he – or anybody for that matter – hit me was right afterward.
After that I had to control myself not to flinch away from him, but even so he found plenty more reasons to torment and punish me for. Whether those reasons were for training or for his amusement, I could hardly tell the difference. I learned quickly, but sometimes not quickly enough. When I got up in the morning, I mentally prepared myself for whatever he had in store for me.
I shuddered at the images despite myself. Every so often he would grab a handful of my hair and examine his success so far. Though I didn't know at the time what the worms entailed, I could see the results myself. My dark hair and blue eyes, much like Nee-san's, were taking on the tint of the Matou bloodline, becoming more plum as the days went by. In just a few weeks, I looked more like Shinji's sister than Nee-san's. So much more that I almost forgot where I came from. Only I didn't. Though I never wanted to separate myself from my family even despite everything that had happened, Zouken wouldn't let me forget either way.
A deep, blind anger surged through me at the thought of his face and I unconsciously tightened my grip on the knife I was holding. I winced as pain shot through my finger as I realized that I cut myself by accident. I frowned as blood trickled down on it, as if annoyed by the inconvenience. I absentmindedly left my finger under the pouring water in the sink, and when the bleeding stopped, I went to look for a band-aid, knowing I winced more out of surprise than pain. I was used to pain. A simple cut was nothing to what I used to get at the Matou household.
After I got my band-aid I went back to the kitchen, as I just noticed that while I was lost in thought I made more eggrolls than I intended. I decided to stop and put them in the oven.
Once I did that, I started on the dishes while the eggrolls cooked. Although they wouldn't take long, I couldn't trust myself to just sit around. Even with my being busy, memories still flashed before my eyes. I remembered a particular incident that happened while I was in the basement. I remember contemplating the sounds around me and how in the silence I could ever hear the slithering sounds of the worms as they crawled everywhere they could reach. Then, I heard someone calling my name. I didn't recognize the voice, mainly because it was all muffled by the many closed doors between me and the outside world, but I was sure I heard it repeatedly. I wasn't sure what made me pull myself from the worms' clutches and go outside. Maybe it was the fact that somebody was calling my name so pleadingly, as if they needed me somehow. Or maybe it was just the fact that somebody was calling my name period, since I hardly got any interaction with people at all. Sometimes I contemplated if I could forget how to speak.
When I got outside I was disappointed to see that I didn't know the person who was calling my name. His face was twisted in a permanent grimace, and his body was in an awkward position. The only thing that was remotely human about him was his left eye which was a brilliant blue.
The man said he came to free me, and uttered my name yet again. I wondered how this stranger knew me. Still, I felt for him. He seemed so weak and so lonely, possibly even delusional, although he seemed to know my name. He reached out to me but I stayed rooted on the stop, unsure of what to do. Before he could do anything else, he breathed his final breath and died on the Matou steps.
Zouken didn't give him a second glance, though he did come outside to know what all the commotion was about. I didn't realize he was there until he slapped me across the cheek. Then he threw the most insulting and degrading words down on me for leaving the basement before it was time. Those were the first words he'd spoken to me in some time. That day I didn't have any dinner and I had to stay locked up until the following morning.
When I finished washing the dishes, I leaned against the sink and let hot water pour down on my folded hands, letting myself drift further into my thoughts.
They haunted me frequently but I many times I didn't try to oppose them as much as I hated their reminder. Going against my own past was futile and it wasn't as if I could erase it and start anew. I could live with my past, but I'd hate for Senpai to know how very much unlike a normal teenaged girl I am. The angry image of Shinji appeared before my eyes, pointing an accusing finger at me and screaming Whore! The thought saddened me. Shinji had to suffer because of my intervention. He was the true heir of the Matou family and I stole that from him. I stole everything that was rightly his. It's no wonder that he hated me so deeply. I could never bring myself to hate him back, knowing that his hate was legitimate.
I was mortified when I heard that he died. I knew exactly how he died too. What other explanation could there be? Dying so soon after the Holy Grail War started. His death made me think that if I would have opposed him, although I didn't want to participate in the war, I would've been the one to die in his place. Maybe that would be enough repentance for my sins and the mistake of my birth that seemed to get in everyone's way.
Even so, I was still alive, when both Zouken and Shinji were dead. I thought I could live a normal life now that my tormentor was out of the way, but I was wrong. The after-effects of the many years of horror were still vivid everywhere I looked, anywhere I turned. In the house that I lived were memories. Zouken left plenty of memoir-like objects behind, and his basement was still, even today reeking of the smell of his worms although they have been long gone. The worms inside my body died along with Zouken himself. That was the one thing that made me certain of his death. I was grateful that at least I was relieved of their suffocating presence, as well as the horrid side-effects.
At times, when I would be especially alone, I could almost feel the constant reminder of my forced breed as a tingling sensation throughout my body. I expected this feeling to do away after the worms have been cleansed from my body, but it didn't. In such times, I would always shiver and remember of my separation, of my distant childhood, of father, and of Nee-san.
Rin Tohsaka. So many emotions surfaced when I would think of that name. A deep, boiling jealousy. Resentment. Sadness. Yearning. While I was in the Matou mansion, living in an earth-bound hell, she was receiving the love and affection of our father and mother, the teachings and lectures of our teacher, living the life that I would've had. Could've had.
If only I was born first.
Despite everything, though, I could never make myself hate Nee-san. I couldn't hate her. I loved her too much. I've always yearned for her affections and for her attention. It wasn't her fault that this is what fate had in store for us, that we would be so close, yet so far apart. So much alike and yet so different. That she was destined to have everything and I was destined for misery.
I clenched my fists tightly and scowled. But it was her fault that we split apart, not only as sisters, but as friends. Why did she never come back for me? Why did she never even come to visit me? I would imagine that Father forbade it, but nonetheless, I always thought that our bond was stronger than his word. After I was moved to the Matou house, it was as if my Tohsaka past was to be erased. I clung onto my few, blurry memories that I had of my parents and of Nee-san, willing myself to constantly remember that it was real. That I really lived my first five years with my family when everything was taken away from me.
My hand went to touch the pink ribbon form my hair automatically. I used it as a constant reminder of where I came from and of Nee-san herself. If everything faded, I couldn't afford to lose her too.
For years I waited for her to come back, but somewhere along the way, I became from positive and sure of her coming to save me, to hoping, desperately hoping, to realizing she wouldn't. I didn't know how that changed and when, but I knew that it did and I knew she wouldn't come. With my hope lost, I went through each day mechanically, going to school, going through Zouken's continuous training. When I wasn't doing that, I tried to stay out of both Zouken and Shinji's way. At school, whenever I would happen to see Nee-san, we would have a polite, yet detached small conversation and then go out separate ways.
The realization of me never returning to the Tohsaka house, the fact that I would remain with Zouken, the thought of never having the same relationship with Nee-san, the loneliness, the torture, the despair, all constricted me and molded me inside a shell, hiding from the outside world.
I thought I would remain in that shell for my entire life and though it tore me apart, I chose to live like that, knowing that nothing could touch me anymore. Not Zouken, not Shinji, not Nee-san, no one.
That is, until I met him.
I loved him from the first time I have ever seen him. I remember clearly that afternoon, I just outside the courtyard when I saw him. He was repeatedly trying to jump over the bar. I remember him falling, then he would get up and start over again, although every time he tried, he failed. I stayed there, beyond the school wall, watching him for the longest time. I wanted him to fail, and waited, hoping to see him give up, but he didn't. I remember feeling his determination breaking through my shell somehow, like a pitch-black room with a door ever-so-slightly open and flickers of light from the other side flooding through the darkness.
That was the only way to describe Senpai. Light. Despite all odds, Senpai brought light into my world. A giver of warmth and hope. Unyielding even in the fiercest of winds. A protector of the good and, soon enough, my heart. He brought me back among the living when I thought I would remain closed in my shell forever. He showed me compassion where I thought there was only cruelty. He showed me beauty when I saw none. He made me discover love when I thought there wouldn't ever be any for me. I fell in love with him rather accidentally, but immediately.
I yearned everyday to see him at school again, to help him with his chores, to cook his meals. Spending time with him was like breathing air, or drinking water to me. Absolutely essential for my survival and for keeping my sanity. Spending even a little time with him gave me the strength and determination I needed to go back home and pretend I couldn't feel, see, hear nor speak until I would see him again.
Was my time for happiness up? Did I only deserve so much? After all the things she had stolen form me, did she want to take away Senpai too? Nee-san had everything. Somebody like her – beautiful, popular, successful in school, confident, and, above all, whole – was more deserving of him than I could ever be, but—
The timer for the eggrolls went off and I jumped, startled by the sound. I had been so lost in my thoughts I didn't even realize I had been frozen in place the entire time after I finished washing the dishes. I was surprised my right leg didn't hurt or get numb after having my weight shifted on it the entire time I was leaned against the counter, too deep in my reverie to notice anything beside my intense jealousy and yearning.
I grabbed the timer off the top of the stove and turned it off to stop the annoying ringing sound that was more like a screech than an alarm. I turned the oven off, but I let the cooked eggrolls there, not wanting them to be cold by the time Senpai would be home.
I sighed and looked at the ceiling, feeling like I didn't have anything to do. The thoughts of what I was previously pondering on were already lost in the huge muddle of my brain. I didn't try to remember. Instead, I walked out of the kitchen and toward the long hall of rooms that I knew they probably have never been used. I went the familiar way where I knew his room was. I have been there before, once of the first times being when he injured his shoulder.
That was a long time ago… I mused internally. I walked quietly, as if I thought that would make up for my intrusiveness. Though I have been in his house by myself many times before, I was still slightly uncomfortable whenever I was the sole presence in it.
Finally I reached the door to his room and I slid it open quietly. My eyes swept over the contents, which weren't many. Nothing changed since I was last here. I smiled at that prospect, but the fact that I was here by myself reminded me where Senpai was and my smile faded as quick as it came. My fingers gripped the edge of the door tightly.
I won't let her win. I won't let her take Senpai away from me. Though Senpai deserved somebody unbroken and whole, somebody better than me, Nee-san wasn't an option. He deserved somebody better. Somebody like her would just twist him in every direction according to her moods and pleasures, and would just end up tearing him apart. I won't let that happen. I loved Senpai too much to lose him to Nee-san too.
Senpai didn't know how I felt about him. I couldn't make myself to tell him. But if that what was going to take to keep him safe, I would do it. After he knew, then he can be free to make his decision. Though I knew he didn't feel the same way about me, I feel compelled to tell him, thinking that telling him alone would break him away form her clutches.
I knew I wasn't worthy of him. Nee-san didn't have to tell me that. He deserved better than an empty shell. He needs somebody whole and full of life. Even if I will never be the perfect match for him, I will always be the one who would stay by his side until he does find that special someone.
Senpai deserved that. I wouldn't let myself and my feelings for him get in between him and his happiness. But I as much as I loved Nee-san, I couldn't let her have interfere either. Losing the most precious thing to me to the one person I lost everything to, having a small taste of happiness and have that taken away, would tear me apart.
A/N: For those of you who came back, you have my deepest thanks. It means a lot to me. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.
Also, I feel compelled to make clear that the intermission still stands. Again, this is a chapter I have already written. But I will try my hardest to come back to this story because it deserves to be told. Thanks you all for the support. I added a much more deserving thanks in the previous chapter where I mentioned the intermission.
Thank you all for the support.
Please read and review. :)