Chapter 11

- Endless Quest -

I ran to Tohsaka's house as fast as I could. There was still light out, so that made it easier; dusk had arrived, and the streetlights were on, compensating for the sun's now feeble rays. There was hardly anybody on the sidewalk though there was a lot of traffic on the street. People were heading home from work. The cars' roaring engines and the squeal of tires as they accelerated on the pavement drowned out my otherwise loud and hurried steps.

Saber… The pain was back – yes, now it was more than just an ache, it was a full-fledged pain – but I welcomed it. With every breath I took, in, out, in, out, it hurt so much, but even so, it was a sign that I was getting closer. The yearning to see Saber and to touch her has spread throughout my entire body in just the last few minutes. I pushed myself beyond my limit to go faster, even though my lungs were almost literally screaming in protest.

When I reached Tohsaka's house, a sigh of relief mixed with a pant escaped my throat as I looked up at the magnificent mansion. Half of the upper-level was lit up and I could see through the windows and the soft curtains the elaborate chandeliers that I had overlooked until now. I looked around the floor, trying to see Tohsaka, but I remembered the library didn't face this side of the house directly. I continued to pant as I walked up the stairs, skipping every other one and knocked on the thick wooden door.

Tohsaka opened it on the second knock. "That was fast," she appraised me. Her face was calm and smooth, but underneath, it had somewhat of an edge. I assumed that the time it took me to get here, she used it to steady herself for my arrival.

I wanted to grin, but I was too tense, too anxious. "You told me to come quick, so I did."

She attempted to smile too, but it was very brief. "Come on," she urged me up the stairs and toward the library. Her stride was quick and deliberate but I kept pace with her easily as she led me toward our usual table. She expanded her search on two tables, one of them moved from its place to be closer to the other. Both of them were completely covered in books, some of them in tall stacks of vintage ones with different binding, others opened and cluttered on top each other, as if comparing information. I didn't have time to praise her on her diligence.

She went directly to an older-looking book, closed it rather roughly for as careful and protective she normally was with them and shoved it in my face. I saw a small, white, torn piece of paper sticking out from somewhere closer to the end of the book and I assumed that was the bookmark. I looked away from the moth-eaten, leather-bound book with yellow pages and met Tohsaka's icy blue gaze. She was frowning deeply and something told me that I would be finding out soon why.

"I've been looking in the wrong place the entire time!" she said angrily.

I frowned. "How come?"

Tohsaka took a deep breath to steady herself once more, fiddling with the cover as she spoke. "I thought," she paused for more emphasis, "that since you want the real Saber and not just doll made out of prana that just looks like her, I would have to look into Magic." She gave me a meaningful look, waiting for my agreement. "Because Magic is a real miracle as opposed to an artificial one?" he prompted, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded quickly, feeling slow that I didn't catch up with her.

"Well then, we could both look into all the books into Magic that we have because we won't find it," she stated bluntly.

I frowned, feeling lost again. "Why is that?"

"Because," she averted her eyes toward the table was that closer to us, which seemed to have the older-looking books, "it seems that once upon a time, maybe even before the Einzberns, there didn't used to be this difference between Magecraft and Magic. There was just Magecraft, and there were only real miracles. Nothing artificial, nothing fake." She locked eyes with mine again and continued. "Long story short, artificial miracles were created much later, by some phony who wanted to be regarded as a Magus, but wasn't. And that's when the term of Magic was invented, to separate the two. The Mage's Association decided that more than a thousand years ago. They accorded the term 'Magecraft' for artificial miracles and 'Magic' for the real ones." She put the book she was holding back on the table.

"Isn't that the other way around? Since Magecraft was an older term and it meant, from the beginning, real miracles?" I asked, not really understanding the logic behind it.

Tohsaka met my eyes and nodded. "That's what they initially wanted to do. But somebody in the Association assigned the term 'Magecraft' as a mockery of the past events. They accorded a new name for pure magic in a sign of renewal. And that's how the two stayed until this day."

I nodded, although I still felt the logic was twisted. "Not many people know about this, do they?"

She frowned deeper, as if I just reminded her of something foul and unforgivable. "No. Not even I knew and I doubt even my father or my father's father knew that. This knowledge has been long lost and nobody felt any need to dig it out."

A thought crossed my mind and I decided to voice it. "How did you come across this information if it has been long lost?" Much like the Third Magic, I thought, but didn't say it out loud.

Tohsaka gave me a look as if she was questioning my competence. "In a book, Shirou."

"I thought you said the Tohsaka family didn't go back that far," I retorted, remembering her telling me a few weeks back.

"The family name doesn't go that far back, but the actual ancestry does," she said and she didn't look as annoyed with me now that I asked a legitimate, well thought-out question. I nodded and waited for her to continue.

Tohsaka took my silence as a prompt to continue. "The knowledge of bringing people back after their death is very old, hence why I was looking in the wrong section. I've been looking in Magic this entire time when I should have been looking in Magecraft – that time period's term for real miracles."

"So we can bring Saber back?" I asked, feeling my excitement start bubbling toward the surface like a bottle of champagne at New Year's.

"It is extremely difficult, Shirou," Tohsaka said and took the book she previously showed me in her hands. She opened it where she placed the bookmark and skimmed it a few pages behind it. She traced the words with her index finger as she spoke. "There are so many things that we need and don't have, not to mention how complicated it is to do and how many things could go wrong if we have even the tiniest bit amiss." Tohsaka looked at me and her eyes revealed a mixture of apology and annoyance under her furrowed brows.

"Tell me exactly how we have to do it," I told her and she nodded.

She traced the page with her index finger again and then stopped. "This is really old magic. I'm glad Jeweled Thaumaturgy goes back that far though," she mused under her breath. "Okay," her tone was at normal volume now, "we need three jewels that I haven't even heard of that we will have to identify according to Saber's personality, a sample of her DNA, her most prized possession anywhere in the summoning circle, and I have to read an extremely long spell for each of the five steps of the summoning ritual in an ancient language that I've never heard of."

I nodded, thoughtful. I decided to take one problem at a time. "What are these jewels for?"

Tohsaka sighed and narrowed her eyes at the book. "Another problem. There are two types, elemental and natural. The elemental jewels symbolize the very core of her being – good or evil, Light or Darkness. The natural jewels are according to her personality. There are four, Fire, Water, Earth and Air." She gave me a meaningful look and raised an eyebrow. "Surely you know what each element means, right?"

I shifted uncomfortably on my place. I didn't like it that she constantly pointed out my lack of knowledge and education as a magus. Tohsaka sighed again, this time annoyed. "Why did I expect a novice like you to know?" She put the book under her arm placed her hand on her hip, the posture that meant the beginning of a lecture. "Fire is for somebody very strong-willed and determined–"

"That's a good one!" I said, but after the look Tohsaka gave me for interrupting her, I remained quiet.

"As I was saying. Water symbolizes peacefulness and tranquility. Air is very cunning and evasive; it shifts constantly, like the wind itself. Earth is more for somebody who is very hard to sway, hard-headed, unchangeable. Like the earth," she paused. "You are supposed to choose two of these that you think match the best with Saber's personality."

I sighed deeply and drew out a chair to sit down. As if just realizing she's been standing the whole time, Tohsaka followed my action. I rubbed my forehead and pondered. All of them reminded me in some way of Saber. I remember her attitude anytime there was the discussion of a fight or flight situation. Between the two she would always choose to fight. She has always been strong and determined and I always loved that about her. I remember her that day after our first fight in the storage supply room, sitting in the corner, looking completely in control and aware of her surrounding and lost and thought and peaceful at the same time. Or when she told me about Kiritsugu and Avalon. I remember her during our encounters with a Servant that she was exactly as Tohsaka described the Wind: cunning, evasive; it wasn't very often that a Servant got a scratch on her at all. As for her being hard-headed, I was very aware of that. It wasn't very often that I could change her mind about anything at all. It took me the longest time to convince her to let me fight.

I looked over at Tohsaka and saw that she was watching me intently. "What do you think?"

She pursed her lips in disapproval. "Shirou, if you don't even know which two of these correspond the best with Saber's personality, then why are we even here? Why are we trying to bring back somebody you don't know?"

"It's not that I don't know her!" I wanted to shout, but I forced my tone to be more even. "It's just hard. All four seem good for her."

Her expression softened slightly. "Think back, Shirou. Which of those two do you think work best for her?"

"I would think that Water and Earth do, but I'm not sure."

"You have to be sure. Think about it. You have time, we won't start today. We couldn't start today even if you were sure," she reasoned.

"Because of the jewels?"

Tohsaka threw her hair over her shoulder and placed her hand on her hip again – this time in a sign of annoyance. "The jewels are quite a big problem themselves. For one thing, this ritual is possibly thousands of years old. These jewels might not even exist today. We need to look more into that." She took the book again, her icy blue eyes moving from one line to the other for some specific information. While she was looking, I saw the title of the book. Beginnings and Endings.

When Tohsaka found it, she moved to my side and held the book so that we both could read from it. She pointed at a specific line she wanted me to look at. "See here? It says there are specific places where we can do the summoning, because of they are four magically powerful places in Fuyuki. I doubt these locations have changed since them. But we already know that." Her finger loved down the page before she turned it. "There is also a specific time we have to do the summoning, and that is at new moon."

I frowned, looked away from the book and at Tohsaka's concentrating face. "Why the new moon?"

"Because the new moon is symbolic of new beginnings and rebirth. It's appropriate for our ritual," she explained automatically. "Plus, despite what we are used to hearing, the new moon is more magically powerful that the full moon."

I looked back at the book, but I wasn't reading the script. I was thinking of how much I found out in just a matter of minutes. We can bring Saber back. I was right all along. A smile crept up on my face, becoming wider and wider as the seconds ticked by, but I tried not to look gloating. Tohsaka saw the smile from the corner of her eye, but for once didn't scold me for it and even shared it ever so slightly. She kept on reading and I let my mind wander. About the jewels that we were suppose to find. About the ritual itself. About the chances of getting it wrong and how glorious it would be if we would succeed. Saber would come back.

"Shirou," Tohsaka's sharp tone woke me from my reverie. I looked at her and saw that she was scowling at me in disapproval. "Don't just sit there and look pretty, help me look for those jewels."

"Sorry," I muttered. "So I'm supposed to look for Jewel Thaumaturgy, right?" I asked to make sure.

She nodded absentmindedly, already back to her book. "I would look in old Magecraft books for it first. If we won't find it there….well, we'll worry about that later."

I didn't bother her anymore and got up to look at the many books there were. The search got a lot harder now that we've narrowed it down. These books, as old as they were, didn't have a summary of any sort at the back or in the inside flap. Most of them didn't even have an inside flap, or even a cover. In my frustration, I decided to start from the very beginning and look in the table of contents of every book, if the book in question even had a table of contents. Then, right in the middle of reading a sentence about magic rituals, a thought struck me, and I was surprised I haven't asked this earlier.

"Hey, Tohsaka," I called, wanting to get her attention first before I launched into my question. She made a small, distracted sound that indicated she was at least half-listening. "If these books are so old, how come we can read them?" I waited for a response, but she remained silent, which meant she was either thinking about how to answer my question in simple terms, didn't quite understand my question, or simply didn't know the answer. "I mean," I continued, "I know Japanese is a really old language. But I doubt it was the same few thousand years ago as it is now."

Silence befell between us until I was forced to admit Tohsaka didn't know, even though she certainly made it seem sometimes that she knew everything. I opened the book I was skimming and continued my search. After a long time, Tohsaka spoke. "I assume it has been translated repeatedly by the elders, as the language shifted."

I frowned and closed the book again, but kept my index finger in between the pages so that I wouldn't lose my place. "But the book you showed me was really old. Has the language not changed since then?" I rested my head back against the shelves, and my eyes fixed on a random book whose title I could not make out.

I heard Tohsaka make a thoughtful sound before she answered. "The language in the book was a little awkward, but it was still understandable. I suppose there haven't been any major changes. That and, nobody took the task to translate it into a more modern style." I remember skimming the line that Tohsaka was pointing in one of the books. I was listening to intently at her words and didn't notice the language.

I nodded and continued to look at the book I was staring at earlier. The cover was completely black, but the script on the binding was a golden color. It looked in a remarkable good condition as opposed to how many books in this part of the library looked ancient.

After quite some time, I sighed in frustration, feeling both happy and overwhelmed by all the information that Tohsaka told me and, at the same time, frustrated and annoyed at how slow the process might be going from now on. There have been a few times when I had to ask myself if I actually did look at the previous book or not because I couldn't recall doing so. I was letting my impatience get the best of me and I wasn't paying attention. I cursed under my breath and started again.

I continued going look at book after book, determined to at least go through all the books Tohsaka had if I had to. At one point though, I came across a thick one called Darkness Descends. Its table of contents were very fitting for its title. Resurrection of Corpses. Summoning dark spirits of the dead. Conjuring dark powers or the darkness element itself.

My first instinct was to put the book aside and take out another one, but some inexplicable force stopped me. My thoughts suddenly wandered to Sakura. I didn't know what time it was, but I was pretty sure it was past the time she went back home. I wasn't sure it was close to Ilya's bedtime yet. My mental process brushed over Ilya and returned to Sakura, remembering her face as she looked sadly at me when I left. I remembered everything that Tohsaka told me about her, everything I didn't know. She almost didn't seem the same Sakura, and yet, she was. I wondered why she had never told me about everything she went through. Was she embarrassed? Ashamed? Was she just being modest about not talking about herself?

"What happened to Zouken?" I asked suddenly, surprised at myself. I hadn't consciously made the question, but my lips formed it anyway. Then, at the mention of his name, my feelings and emotions shifted to something much darker, and rather uncharacteristic of me. The thoughts of Sakura momentarily made me forget about the recent discoveries in bringing Saber back.

"As far as I know, he's gone," Tohsaka answered automatically.

I considered her words, then I set Darkness Descends back down and I got to my feet, walking down the aisle until I was out in the open and could see her. "How do you know?" I watched her face carefully, and saw the hesitation there, it was brief, then she sighed, sounded defeated.

"Once, not long after the 5th Holy Grail War ended, I went to her house." Her eyes were downcast, and I took the opportunity of her small silence to sit down across from her. "I'm still not entirely sure what brought me there, but instead of knocking on the door, I looked through a window and watched her. I long realized my bond with her and the promise I made Kariya could not convince me to go after her. My shame and guilt that I hadn't already done it always overpowered my better judgment. I suppose I thought that if those couldn't make me do it, the anger I would feel if I saw him, especially if I saw him with her," she frowned, "would win out and I would burst in that house and take her with me." Tohsaka pursed her lips into a tight line, but I didn't want to prompt her to continue.

"I don't know for how long I watched her, but I never saw him. I followed her when she would move from one room to the other, and I was sure he would show his face. But he didn't. Kariya told me Zouken loved to torture her at every given opportunity. Not only that, but she seemed more at peace that I had seen her in a long time. That, more than anything, convinced me that Zouken was gone." Tohsaka sighed. "Seeing her so at peace also made me forget my original plan and I left."

Silence fell, think and heavy. I didn't voice my irritation at her for not taking Sakura back as she said she would. At peace or not, surely she didn't like living in that house. There would be too many memories every step she went. Even if her tormentor would be gone, still living where it all happened couldn't possibly make her happy. She had to be freed from that house. "Is he dead?" I asked at last.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. I was unsure of what to say to that. Surprising me, she continued. "I have long planned to heal her," Tohsaka said quietly, sounding almost as if she was talking to herself. "I have read the little I could find about it and thought that maybe there might be a spell that could free her from the Worms or that perhaps killing Zouken will do the trick."

"Did you abandon that plan too?" I asked, surprising myself with the harsh words.

Tohsaka looked at me, but there was no anger in her eyes, just the same defeat I saw before. "No, I didn't. But I don't see how I could do it either."

"I think reconciliation with her is the first step." She opened her mouth to protest, but I held up my hand to silence her. The war Tohsaka was fighting with herself has gone on for too long. "Look at it this way. If there is a spell to free her, you would have to talk to her about it first. It's not like you're going to tie her down and perform the ritual." She opened her mouth again, but I continued, not giving her time to speak. "And if you talk to her, that would be the perfect time to let out all that built in guilt. Not to mention that Sakura will know that you have continued to love her and think about her all this time if you want to heal her. Also, you don't even know where Zouken is or even if killing him would free her at all. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to her and patch things up?" I raised my eyebrows at her, hoping she would see the perfect logic of my reasoning. It made perfect sense. And mentally I added that once Tohsaka and Sakura had a better relationship, I could concentrate more on our research.

Tohsaka looked torn and bit her lip, a habit I've only seen her display when she was incredibly nervous. I let silence settle for my words to sink in. I was sure that once she would think about it, she would see reason and agree with me. I dearly hoped I was right, because Tohsaka always had the tendency to surprise me.

"I don't know, Shirou," she continued biting her lip, but I could see it in her eyes that she knew it was the best possible solution.

I tried not to let my irritation show. I knew I had to be diplomatic and talk reasonably to her otherwise I would lose the little progress that I had made today. "What have you got to lose?"

"I couldn't bear to have her think any less of my than she already is," she answered, looking away.

Now she was being plain ridiculous. "How can she think less of you if you're going to apologize and tell her you love her and that you're going to heal her? Take her pain away?" She seemed torn. She bit her lip anxiously and stared at a random spot on the floor. "Tohsaka," I said, pleading, and she finally looked at me, "do you want to repair your relationship with Sakura or not?"

"Of course I do, Shirou."

"Then let's give it a try. Have some faith." I smiled at her encouragingly. Tohsaka stared at me with her piercing eyes for the longest time. I was about to look away or do something, when she sighed and returned my smile the tiniest bit, though it still looked sad and worn.

"All right." I exhaled sharply, not even realizing that I'd been holding my breath while she was thinking. I grinned widely, feeling happy that she will at least give it a try. She seemed to be breathing a little easier now too and she stopped biting her lip. She switched to a lighter topic. "Speaking of Sakura, how is she doing? You see her a lot more often that I do," she gave me a tired smile, marred by the heavy subject we had talked about.

I was just about to say good, due to my own good mood, but then I just remembered that she wasn't so good right now. I sighed. "She's upset with me right now."

Tohsaka's widened her eyes as if the notion of Sakura getting upset at me was ludicrous, though I had to admit that I didn't see her upset almost at all. "What did you do?"

"I left during dinner to come here."

Tohsaka's eyes, if possible, got even wider. "Shirou, you didn't." Did I sound like I was joking?

"I told her I would make it up to her before I left." Even though I said that, I still felt guilty.

"But Shirou, you left during dinner – dinner that she made – to come see me." When I didn't say anything, she sighed, sounding exasperated and tired.

"I said I was sorry," I frowned, wondering why she was making such a big deal out of it. If anybody should be upset, it was Sakura. I apologized to her and promised I'd make it up to her. "I'll do something special for her tomorrow and apologize again." I had already planned on doing that, but Tohsaka's outburst made me feel uneasy somehow.

"Tomorrow?" She seemed momentarily confused.

I looked at the clock on the wall to make sure my estimate was correct. "Yeah. She probably went home a while ago."

Tohsaka was shaking her head. "Sakura's probably still at your house, waiting for you."

"How do you—" I was going to ask her, but suddenly I felt so tired, I decided against it. "I should probably go then." I finally said. I closed the book I had I front of me, returned it to its shelf and got ready to leave. I was about to say goodbye to Tohsaka when I noticed she was waiting for me by the stairwell.

"I'm coming with you," she said. "If I am going to talk to Sakura, I might as well do it tonight. I've put it off long enough."

A/N: Well, I'm back! I'm still not sure if I am back permanently (meaning, I will go back to working full-time on this story), but I don't want to get anybody's hopes up. School is eating up a lot of time and I haven't been able to write as much as I normally would. I haven't written much at all lately. But today I had several hours on my hands and miracle upon miracles, I finished this chapter.

I could not apologize enough for my absence, but it couldn't be helped. All I can say is that I hope youdidn't forget about me or this story, I hope you'll like this chapter and I hope you will review.

Also, I just realized that I haven't done the recap in a while...oh well. I'll add it in later. Until then, enjoy the new chapter!