Chapter 12

- Fragile -

In the living room at Tohsaka's house, there was a grand looking grandfather's clock. It was placed against the wall, right by the fireplace. It was made out of the same sturdy, cherry wood that seemed to dominate the rest of the house. The pendulum and the rim of the clock was a glittering gold color. Somehow, I drew the conclusion that it was real gold. The clock indicated that it 10:48 pm. I didn't even realize it was so late. The streets would be deserted, no doubt.

Sakura rarely stayed until 9 in the evening. I usually told her to go long before that, but she always offered to help around the house. Sometimes I wished she wouldn't. It was too easy to have Sakura around, too easy for me to keep her at my house and have her help me. It was just too easy to be selfish with Sakura, because she always selflessly offered.

I got lost in thought as Tohsaka and I we walking back to my house. Our pace was brisk, we didn't want to dwell on the streets at night. I wondered if Tohsaka was right and Sakura was still at my house. It didn't really make any sense to me why she would. She almost never was at my house by herself, but she always offered to stay if there were still people around. Maybe she stayed to make sure Ilya returned home safely. That seemed like a reasonable explanation. I would want somebody to stay and make sure Ilya got home, but in my hurry I forgot to ask somebody to do that. But surely Ilya got home long ago? She didn't dwell on the streets at night either, she knew it was dangerous. Then Sakura would have no reason to be there when we got back. Of that, I was sure.

"What if she's not there?" I asked Tohsaka. "Are you going to stay the night or something?"

She shook her head. "If she's not there," she put the emphasis as if she wasn't even considering that option, "then I'll just go back home."

"I'll walk you back home," I said automatically. She shot me a look, but didn't argue with me. I was ready to tell her about the time when I ran into some thugs one night from work to persuade her, but I was glad that wasn't necessary.

As we approached my house, we noticed that the light was still on. That struck me as odd, but for the first time I considered Sakura still being home. Then I realized the reason why she would have stayed: she wanted to make sure I returned safely too. That brought a smile to my lips. I should've known Sakura would do that. My smile didn't last long due to a yawn. Until I did, I didn't even realize how tired I was. The emotional roller coaster I went through today must have had something to do with that.

I sighed, and tried to slide the door open. It was unlocked. Now I was sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Sakura was still here. She would have never been careless enough to leave the door unlocked. I was both touched and a little frustrated. She didn't have to wait for me.

Just as I entered through the door, I caught Sakura in mid-step as she was walking back to the kitchen. The scent of egg rolls filled the air, and I briefly wondered how come the scent lingered when dinner was over a few hours ago. That thought instantly vanished as Sakura greeted me with a brilliant smile. Her face radiated with happiness.

"Sempai, you're back…" She trailed off at the last syllable, as her expression suddenly fell. I looked beside me and saw that Tohsaka revealed herself. She appeared to be rather uncomfortable, unnerved, which was very uncharacteristic of her. She was also looking anywhere but at Sakura.

"Tohsaka-sempai," Sakura stammered, looking rather overwhelmed herself. Her usual warm, lavender eyes reflected mixed emotions, from confusion and embarrassment to hurt. They darted from me to Tohsaka, as if waiting for one of us to offer some sort of explanation. From the corner of my eye I saw that Tohsaka wasn't giving any indication that she will start the conversation. Despite the fact that she looked determined when we left, being face-to-face with Sakura alone seemed to be hard for her.

I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling awkward in the thick silence that settled between us. Sakura's eyes rested on me, waiting. They seemed to plead some unknown request. "Sakura," I started cautiously, not entirely sure how to breach the subject. "Tohsaka wanted to talk to you."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her flinch. Then, finally, her eyes rose to meet her sister's. "Hello, Sakura," she said formally, appearing to have regretted coming here. She swallowed loudly. "I've been meaning to talk to you for…a long time." She paused again, but took a small step forward. I took that as a good sign and took a small step back myself. I wanted to be in the background, but still be here if Tohsaka needed support.

~ Avalanche ~

I looked at Sakura, feeling at a complete and utter loss for words. I have pictured this scene many times along the years, sometimes even imagining what I would say to her, what her reaction would be. My words were usually humble and apologetic, but still determined and caring. I would have come to save her. I would have been glad to have her back in my life, as my sister, and to tarnish the Matou name and all its filth. As the years passed, my choice of words changed, as did how I said them to her. In my mind, I pictured myself being more and more saddened. Once, I even saw myself crying on my knees in front of her, beginning for her to forgive me, as if I was the one that needed to be saved.

I didn't dwell much on her reaction, since usually it hurt too much to see it, even my mind. I expected her to reject me and my offer to come back, as well as my offer to save her from a fate that would most likely destroy her. Why wouldn't she? If I was in her stead, I would. I would yell and throw accusations. I would lash out and reject. I would tear and destroy. She had every right to do that.

I continued to go through these scenarios until I almost abandoned the thought completely. I never truly gave up on Sakura. It was a constant thought in my mind, always present, always looking for an opportunity to go to her. I'd told Shirou that I've been to her house once. That wasn't entirely true. I've been to her house many times, or at least within a close radius to it, but that was the first time I actually went to see Sakura. Until then, my heart usually brought me to the Matou household, but my mind always took me back home. No. I never gave up on Sakura.

I gave up on myself.

All the things that I pictured myself saying were gone. All the things that I wanted to do, I never did. Now, looking at Sakura, my dear sister, I realized just how much of a fool I have been.

I studied her features, particularly her eyes, trying to figure out what they hid in their lavender depths. The most obvious thing I could see was fear. And, underneath that, hurt. Of course. I came here with Shirou. That was an impulse decision on my part, one that I realized hadn't been so wise. I should've came to talk to her another day, when she was by herself. But it was too late now.

What should I say? Will she forgave me? What if she wouldn't? Will she ask me why I waited so long? What if she will reject me? Will she call me a fool too? Was I a fool? I wasn't saying anything. What if, what if, what if.

"Sakura," I started again, mainly so I could break the silence that was pressing against me, demanding I say something, anything. "I am…" I searched for the words to describe what exactly I was. A coward? Stupid? Selfish? "So sorry." I exhaled loudly, suddenly feeling lighter now that the words got out. Her eyes widened.

"I am so sorry, Sakura," I repeated, watching her reaction. The air around us seemed to have stilled. It was no longer pressing against me, but it hovered near, waiting to see if I was going to go further. I took a step toward her. She didn't more away, but she didn't try to approach me either. How can I say this? How can I put so many years of absence into a few sentences?

"I'm sorry that I waited so long. I promised Uncle Kariya that I would come for you and I never did." The words pained me to say them. I saw Sakura's eyes flicker behind me toward Shirou, and she started to look panicked. I realized I couldn't do this with Shirou here. He isn't supposed to know anything about this. I might not be able to reach her if Shirou was present.

"Shirou," my voice turned sharp without intending it to. I didn't want anything to jeopardize my chances with Sakura. I didn't look at him as I said, "give us some privacy, please."

I heard a shuffle behind me. "Sure thing, Tohsaka," he said, but sounded uneasy, as if my request took him by surprise. I heard the door slide open and then close back again. Watching Sakura, I saw that she looked a little more at ease now, but still guarded, cautious.

"Uncle Kariya talked with you?" she said, and I felt relieved she finally spoke.

"Yes," I answered, breaking our eye contact. "He told me everything." There was no point in lying, as much as she would hate anybody knowing. However, me knowing isn't nearly as bad as Shirou knowng. If I can help it, I will keep that part a secret. "Especially what Zouken did to you and what you went through the entire time." I saw her intake a sharp breath at the mention of his name. Uncle Kariya only gave me a very brief description to make me aware of what was going on. I couldn't possibly imagine how it was for her, day after day to live with him, if the mere mention of his name instilled a reaction.

I wanted to tell her how many times I've wanted to come after her, but I didn't think that would go so well, telling her that she's had so many chances at freedom and I turned them all down. There were too many things I wanted to say, and at the same time, I seemed to be at a loss of words.

"I've missed you," I finally said.

"Tohsaka-sempai." I felt relieved that she was talking to me and I tried not to be disappointed that she still kept the formalities. I had to constantly remind myself that Sakura needed time. I needed to be gentle with her. If I pushed her too hard, there might not be any hope for us. There was still the risk of that. "If you've missed me, why haven't you at least told me earlier?" Her eyebrows scrunched up in tight lines, revealing to me how upset she was.

She was right, of course. Every time I saw her and talked with her I pretended as if everything was all right, as if everything was as it should be. Should I admit my weakness? The fact that it was my pride, and the thought of it wounded, that kept me from going to her? As I thought of the possible consequences, time was ticking. Sakura was waiting for an answer. If I remained silent too long, she might get the impression that I was not going to answer her question at all, or that I was looking for an excuse to give her.

Before I had time to utter a word though, the door slid open violently. Sakura and I looked at out intruder and saw that Shirou was standing in front of it, looking uncharacteristically angry. My eyes widened automatically in surprise, and I was about to ask him what was the matter when—

"She wanted to!" he said, his voice loud in my years, contrasting heavily with our previous hushed tones.

His words snapped me back into motion, as I suddenly feared what he might do. "Shirou?" I asked him, my voice turning sharp.

He didn't even look at me, his eyes were on Sakura. There was such intensity there, he seemed to full of life, in an odd way it reminded me of when Saber was here.

"Sakura, Tohsaka had wanted to come for you, but she was too afraid to, afraid of what you might think."

"Shirou!" My panic and fear increased the volume of my tone considerably. What was he doing? "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm telling her what you're too afraid to!" He shot back at me. I flinched at his words, hearing for the first time such forcefulness directed at me.

The forcefulness surprised me for a mere second. The next moment, I was lashing back at him. "You'll ruin everything!"

"Senpai?" Sakura's quiet voice, seemed somehow louder than ours. Her lavender eyes suddenly seemed afraid as they were darting between me and Shirou. I knew I must right the wrong that he caused.

"Sakura, he's just upset—" I told her hastily.

"This is why I knew we should've talked to her together." Shirou's words were followed by a long, ear-splitting silence. He hasn't said anything technically, but he might as well have. The meaning behind his words was crystal clear. I could not believe it. Not once, since I have told him our story – mine and Sakura's – have I even considered the possibility that he would betray that trust. Shirou just wasn't the type to do that. It seemed like I underestimated him. Or overestimated him, depending on the perspective. I was too shocked to move, and it seemed Sakura was too.

Finally, one of us found our voice. It was Sakura. "How much do you know?" she asked him in the quietest, most helpless voice.

Shirou didn't lie. "Everything."

Once the word came out of his mouth I finally regained control of my body. And no sooner than I had made the decision, my slap was echoing throughout of the room. I tried not to let my tears fall, but one of them escaped against my will. I wiped it off furiously with my other hand and stormed off. I didn't stay any longer to talk to Sakura. As far as I was concerned, everything was lost the moment he said "everything."

- Everybody's Fool -

As I heard the door slam, I tried not to flinch. I knew I shouldn't have given us away, but I thought it had been the best decision, especially when I heard how the two of them were talking. I didn't look at Tohsaka's retreating figure, I would just have to apologize later. My cheek stung from her slap, but I ignored it. When I turned my eyes back on Sakura, that was the first time when I considered the fact that telling her wasn't the best decision. She looked afraid, and mortified and angry, though I didn't know if the anger was directed at me.

I saw a tear fall, much like with Tohsaka, as well as a strangled sob. Mirroring her sister's actions, she wiped it away with her hand and walked by me and out of the door. She slammed it as well, but hers sounded more resigned than angry. I was left in the middle of the room, by myself, wondering where I had gone wrong.

I replayed the day's events in my head, no sure for how long I had been standing when I heard a quiet yawn. I glanced toward the hall and saw a tired Ilya rubbing at her eyes.

"Onii-chan? What's going on?" she yawned, and my eyes darted toward the clock before it rested back on her. It was past midnight. "I heard yelling."

I patted her head absentmindedly. "We just had a…misunderstanding. You should go back to sleep, Ilya. It's late." I gave her a gentle push back toward the hall and she obliged without asking any more questions.

As I watched her retreating figure, I suddenly realized that I had been planning on walking both of them back home. I cursed under my breath, suddenly realizing how incredibly exhausted I was. With one last glance toward the screen door, I made the decision to go to bed and think of a way fix the consequences of what I did in the morning.

—

The next morning when I woke up, the weather outside seemed to reflect my inner feelings. It was dark and gloomy, and it appeared that it will rain later in the day. Though I was awake, I stayed in bed, looking intently at the ceiling as if it held the answers to all my problems.

How had everything fallen apart? Yesterday things seemed to be finally looking up. Tohsaka found key information on how to bring Saber back. She finally agreed to talk to Sakura and patch up their relationship. Looking back now, I wonder how I could have been so stupid, and so reckless. How could I have disregarded Tohsaka's wishes? And Sakura's too. I could see it in her eyes that she had never wanted me to know about it all. Now I had revealed myself and Tohsaka, at the most crucial time.

I take my arms out from under the thin cover and rub my eyes, suddenly feeling tired despite the fact that I got a full night's sleep. I saw now what I was too blind to see last night. I had ruined everything.

I got up and stretched, but my mind wandered, making my movements seem rather mechanical. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and ran a damp hand through my hair in a poor attempt at taming it. Then I made my bed, going through the motions like on any other morning, while my mind was far away. Vaguely, I realized it was Saturday, which meant that Fuji-nee and Sakura was coming for lunch. Then, as if someone punched me in the stomach, I realized that Sakura probably woudln't be coming. She had never missed a meal if she could help it, but I was sure that she wouldn't come today. She was extremely upset last night.

I sighed, and made my way toward the kitchen to prepare lunch. Startled, I came to a stop at the entrance as I saw the eggrolls on the stove. Sakura must have prepared some extra for me while I was gone. I remember smelling them, but I was too upset and too tired to see where it was coming from. I picked one up and looked at it sadly, taking a small bite to see if they were still good. I decided that they were and put them back in the oven. While the eggrolls reheated, my body moved effortlessly around the kitchen, and I unconsciously went for something simple that didn't require much effort, even though my mind hadn't actually decided on the meal. I tried to be preoccupied with lunch to make sure I wouldn't mix up two ingredients that I wasn't supposed to, or add an incorrect spice, my mind kept drifting off. By the third time, I stood defeated as it once again wandered toward Sakura.

I wondered how I could possibly undo the wrongs that I've done. Now I had two people who shunned me. How was I going to explain to Fuji-nee and Ilya why Sakura wasn't there?

Ilya was the first who came to the kitchen and silently started setting the table. She didn't ask me any more questions about last night nor did she comment about it in any way. In a way she seemed to have sensed that I needed space to organize my thoughts. I stole a quick glance at her and noticed that she looked sad, though I didn't understand why. Maybe she heard more of last night's conversation than I thought.

Fuji-nee came not long after, ready to eat as always.

"Where's Sakura?" she asked, as soon as she entered through the door.

"She called me and said she had a last-minute Archery Club meeting," I said, trying not to show the despair I felt. I was right. She didn't come. What have I done?

Fuji-nee took that as a perfectly reasonable explanation and then we ate in silence. It wasn't the same without Sakura's presence, and I'm sure everybody felt it. I realized I had been lying a lot to Fuji-nee lately, first the reason I went to Tohsaka's so often and now with Sakura's absence.

Lunch passed excruciatingly slow, but when it was over, I couldn't remember anything about it. Fuji-nee stayed to clean up, and even offered to wash the dishes, which was a rarity. I wished she hadn't. Now I didn't have anything to preoccupy myself with as my mind wallowed in guilt.

"Shirou," Fuji-nee called as I was wiping the table. I was doing it meticulously, while my mind was trying to come up with something I could do while she and Ilya were still around. "Don't you usually go to Tohsaka's after lunch?"

My mind slowed to a halt then started spinning again. She was right, I usually went to Tohsaka's house to research after lunch. I was, however, positive that I shouldn't go there today. Her slap flashed before my eyes. In the one second I had to reply, I couldn't think of a good excuse not to go through and I didn't want to push my luck with more lies. So instead, I just nodded and said, "Yeah, I was going to go after I finished."

I did as I said, and once the table was cleaned, I waved goodbye to the two of them and left the house. I started work at four, so I had around three hours to myself, something I dearly wish I didn't have. Time with myself meant more time to think and the last thing I wanted to do is continue wallowing in my guilt. I took a route that was more out of the way, to avoid any chances of meeting Fuji-nee on her way back home. Ilya sometimes went for walks around town, and I prayed I wouldn't meet her sometime along the way. Though, Fuyuki wasn't necessarily big, it was large enough that seeing her wasn't very likely.

Once I decided on a route, I let my mind wander. Surprisingly, it didn't turn back to Sakura and Tohsaka. It drifted toward Saber instead. As it did, I realized my thoughts hadn't been as constant with her as usual. Was it because of the growing excitement of our discoveries? Or was it because other things that got implicated? Such as Sakura.

I sighed, and shoved my hands deeper into my pockets. Would Saber disapprove of what I had done last night? I wondered, for the thousandth time, if she could see me now. Would she shake her head at me? Would she urge me to go right now to Tohsaka and ask for her forgiveness? Would she just give me her firm, resolute gaze and tell me it was for the best?

I wish you were here.

I wish I could perform the ritual by myself and bring Saber back right now. For a fleeting thought I wish I never would have asked Tohsaka for help, but I banish the thought almost instantly. If it wasn't for Tohsaka, I wouldn't know what I do now about how to bring Saber back. Without her help, I might never have found the answer, and would've—could I have possibly? Could I have given up on it? I thought long and hard about that question, but in the end I relented. If there were no leads at all, if, as far as I could tell, there was no way to bring Saber back, I would have eventually had to give up on the idea entirely. Just the thought of giving up on my plan, giving up on Saber, made me double over with a pain in my chest.

No. I should be thankful for Tohsaka's help. Last night's events are entirely my fault and my responsibility. There's no use in finding fault in something or someone else.

Once I considered enough time has passed and Fuji-nee should have arrived home already, I let my feet take me toward the place that I always held very close to my heart. The bridge. Even though we've had a terrible fight at the bridge, and I still hear echoes of that fight whenever I'm there, I find that it feels like it brings me closer to her, just by being there.

I leaned against the rail and for a moment I let my mind go blank and just study the picture before me. Water extended all the way to the line of the horizon as if it was an endless mass. The shore was mostly empty, save for the occasional family that went out to walk their dog or a couple holding hands. I had to look away. The sun was peeking from behind the clouds tentatively, but it held the promise of summer heat. It was still cloudy, but at least whatever storm seemed to come this morning passed. Flashes of reflected sunrays on the water made it seem as if somebody spilled glitter on the surface. The waster was mostly a calm blue, save for those shimmering spots. They reminded me of Saber's golden hair and the way the strands caught the breeze in an elegant dance.

Everything about her was elegant. The curve of her mouth when she would smile. Her posture when she was preparing herself for an attack. Her fingers as she traced the whiskers of the stuffed lion that I got her on our date. Whether she was adorned in her armor, or was dressed in the simple clothes that Tohsaka gave her, whether she was awake, or sleeping, or sitting down, or eating, or breathing, she was the very incorporation of elegance. I had a brief flash of our forbidden kiss and I was struck once again by a deep desire to just hold her in my arms.

I wrapped my arms around myself unconsciously, and I pretended to shiver to cover up for it, even though there was nobody around. I sighed and leaned my head back, and just enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. That reminded me of Saber as well, somehow.

I didn't know for how long I stayed like that, but when the nearby clock struck at the hour two, it startled me out of my reverie. Feeling a little reluctant to do so, I left the place so filled with her memories, and started walking around town, though with no particular purpose. I knew Fuyuki inside and out, so I let my feet take me wherever they may. Once it was close to my time to go to work, I redirected myself toward The Copenhagen Bar.

When I got there, Neko-san seemed startled to see me there. I looked at the clock that they had up and I saw it was almost four o'clock, so I was on time.

"Emi-yan, what are you doing here?"

My confusion was obvious in my tone, and I unintentionally phrased it as a question. "I'm here for work?" I really didn't know what she meant. Did she tell me the week before she wanted me to deliver something here? It happened before that circumstances were such that I had to drive to a particular location myself, load the cargo in the van the company owned, and bring the cargo here and unload. Even though I don't have a car, I've learned to drive, but that skill wasn't used very often. I raked my mind to see if I was forgetting something, but I couldn't recall.

Neko-san shook her head. "You took off for today. You mentioned doing something with Sakura, I think?"

I shook my head, but as she said it, I remembered. I was planning on a day to the amusement park with Sakura and Ilya last week, but due to the thunderstorms, we had to postpone it for this week. I completely forgot about that. And I promised Ilya we would go. Of course, since Sakura didn't come for lunch, I doubted she wanted to go to the amusement park. I also promised her an entire day, and now, even if I would rush home and apologize, we wouldn't get as much time as we wanted. Then I remembered how sad she looked this morning, and now I realized why.

I sighed and rubbed my forehead tiredly. "Well, since I'm here, I can work today and get off for next week."

Neko-san was silent for a while, her chocolate brown eyes studying me. Surprising me, she shook her head, "I think it would be better for you to go home and rest. You look like you have a lot on your shoulders right now."

"But that would mean I would miss three weeks in a row if I get next week off too," I protested.

Neko-san shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal. "You work hard enough during the week as it is, Emi-yan. You work harder than any other employee we have. It's about time they pick up some slack." She smiled kindly at me and winked. "Just go home and rest," she said and gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder.

I sighed, knowing I couldn't argue with her. I thanked her for her kindness and headed home, dreading to see the sad look on Ilya's face when I will tell her that I simply forgot.

A/N: This chapter was really hard to write and it didn't really help that I hardly had any time to myself. Thank goodness summer's coming.

Anyway, I hope you guys will like the new chapter. It slipped my mind in the previous chapter, but I really do appreciate all you guys' support. You have my deepest gratitude, whether you wrote a review, favorited, or simply read my story. This stody just needs to be read, and I'm glad you are.

If there are any grammatical errors of any kind, don't hesitate to tell me. Also, I would appreciate it if you guys would tell me what you think so far. Input is always nice, but no pressure. :)

Enjoy the chapter!