A/N: I'm going to stop making excuses for my absences and I'm just going to post whenever I can. Sounds good? Good. :)

Chapter 13

- Darkness Before Dawn -

As I walked back home from The Copenhagen Bar, I went over my predicament once again. I betrayed Tohsaka's trust, Sakura was avoiding me, and now I somehow managed to upset Ilya too. I didn't know how I could have forgotten about our day at the amusement park. I was really looking forward to it. Even though there was nothing that made me happier than finding out more information about bringing Saber back, I wanted a small break from the constant emotional roller coaster I seemed to be riding lately: frustration and disappointment due to searching and searching and searching and not finding anything for so long––a growing desperation as the end of the year approaches––knowing that once school is over I will have to come up with more lies to cover up for what I am actually doing––elation at finding even the smallest detail to Saber's revival––longing to hold her again, not to mention the many other emotions that are mixed together.

I felt like I have been pushed and pulled, stretched and molded, turned around every direction possible and have finally come to a stop. I, however, felt none of the exhilaration that one has after a normal roller coaster ride. I felt dazed, somewhat relieved, and apprehensive for when the ride will start again, because I know this won't be over until Saber will be here with me.

Before that, I will have to fix the mess I've created. I know that talking to Tohsaka was completely out of the question. I doubted she would even open the door to see me, let alone hear me out. She might open the door to slap me again, but if I could help it, I would avoid that. And how would I possibly explain myself? I could say I was sorry, but that was all I could do. I had absolutely no justification for what I did. And I knew Tohsaka wouldn't accept a simple sorry. I would have to give her more than that, and at that moment, I had no idea what.

I realized that Sakura was my only chance. As upset as she was, I had a better shot at talking to her than I did with Tohsaka. I had no idea how well that would go, but at least she wouldn't slam the door in my face, and that was a good start.

Then I stopped in my tracks. Should I go home and apologize to Ilya or go to Sakura's house instead and talk to her? I looked around, trying to find some way to figure out what time it was. The clouds have dispersed, leaving the sun shining as brightly as ever. The storm that seemed to be hovering over our heads this morning seemed to have taken a different route and avoided Fuyuki altogether. I took that as a promising sign. Most likely it was little after four, since Neko-san dismissed me home.

I started walking again, but much slower this time, torn about what to do. Then I realized Ilya might not be home anyway, as she is hardly ever at home during the day, especially if she is by herself. Sometimes she worried me…

I knew we wouldn't have dinner together today because normally I work until late. I wondered when Ilya would be home.

Sighing, frustrated, I went in the direction of Sakura's house. I hated that I had to pick between them, but I felt that Sakura's situation was a little more urgent. I was walking much more brusquely this time, determined to set things right giving me new energy. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but trying was better than nothing.

There are only a handful of times when I went to Sakura's house, mainly because she always came to mine. I remember the time when I went to the Matou household to talk to Shinji. We were in a smaller conference-like room, with two couches separated by a long table. Rider hovered behind Shinji, guarding, waiting. Sometimes, even now, I still wonder when he had changed and how it happened. I shook my head and any thoughts of Shinji left my mind, returning once again to Sakura.

Once, she told me that my house has a very warm feel to it, and that she liked it. At the time, I thought it was strange that she said that. It was a few months after my dad died, and the estate still seemed too big and unfamiliar and cold to me, even though it had already been my home for five years. But with Sakura coming every day and Fuji-nee joining us, our family slowly, but surely, grew. A while after, Saber joined us, and then Ilya.

I sighed, and kept walking until I finally reached the large estate. The Matou mansion was toughly the same size as Tohsaka's home. Tohsaka's always reminded me of a mountainside villa, with a homey feel to it. Sakura's on the other hand, had a colder feel to it, as if it belonged to an aged couple that had died recently. For some reason I got a small shiver that ran down my spine as I approached it. I didn't like that Sakura lived in such a big and cold house, by herself and with only memories keeping her company. As I looked at it, I realized that maybe one of the reasons Sakura comes over all the time was because she didn't like being there by herself either. Why hadn't I realized this before?

I rang the doorbell as my mind kept spinning, but all my thoughts went away when Sakura opened the door. Her eyes widened in surprise and alarm as she looked at me. She seemed scared, though I don't know why she would be anything but angry with me.

"Senpai," she said, her voice trembling, "I am busy right now, doing homework…" Her voice was shaking slightly, but was otherwise firm. I knew she was lying to try to make me leave. It tugged at my heart to think that I hurt her so much that she wouldn't want to see me. She made a motion to close the door, but I gripped the door with my hand and stopped her at the last moment. Through the tiny crack, I looked her right in the eyes. She looked miserable.

"Sakura, please, I need to talk to you," I said, trying to get through to her.

"There isn't anything we need to talk about," she retorted, and I was temporarily taken aback by her firmness. Her voice didn't shake at all this time.

I remained silent for a while. She was looking down, but her hand was still on the door knob. "Do you want me to leave?" I asked her.

She hesitated, and because she didn't give me an answer right away I tried to persuade her again. "I really need to talk to you. I can either do it out here, or I can do it inside."

Sakura hesitated again, still looking down. I wondered if she was contemplating ways to make me leave. Finally, I saw her shoulders slump, resigned as she opened the door for me. I stepped inside and she closed the door behind me. Once she did, she stepped back, leaving several feel of distance between us. Silence fell. I wasn't sure how to start, but I didn't let myself stay silent and feel sorry for myself.

"Sakura, about yesterday," I started, feeling my mouth going dry, "I'm sorry I hurt you." Her lavender eyes were watching me. I wondered what she was thinking. "But I'm not sorry I know." I saw her flinch. "Sakura, I have to know to help you."

She frowned, but looked more terrified as she started shaking her head, over and over. "Senpai, you can't," she said, taking a step back.

I tried a different tactic. "Okay, you don't have to forgive me. But you should at least forgive Tohsaka."

"Tohsaka…Senpai…" her voice trailed off, as if confused why I even brought her into the conversation.

"Sakura, she was only looking out for you. She specifically told me not to tell you because she knew it would hurt you if you did."

Sakura was frowning by the time I finished. It took her several moments by the time she replied. "Looking out for me? Senpai, I am confused." Though I heard her words, her tone did not match them at all. There was a hint of sarcasm underneath her rather lifeless voice. "If you say you know everything, then you know our history. You know that since I was a small child I was estranged from the Tohsaka house. You know that Tohsaka-Senpai made no effort to make any contact with me, though she was free to do so." She stated all this very blatantly, matter-of-factly, as if she was talking about somebody else's life, but not her own. "You said that she told you not to tell me because it would hurt me? It's not me knowing that hurts me. It's you knowing, Senpai," her tone changed dramatically and I saw her shoulders tremble. "You never should have known." Her voice cracked as she said it, then she broke down into tears.

I felt completely helpless. Not only have I never seen Sakura cry before, but it was entirely my fault she was crying. I did the first thing I could think of doing, and I gathered her in my arms and let her cry on my chest. Neither of us said a word while Sakura poured her heart out on my shirt. The only things disturbing the silence between us were her sobs and occasional sniffles. When I left her tears stopped, her sobs replaced by dry hiccups, and she started to calm down, that was when I spoke again.

I took her by the shoulders and drew her back so that I could see her face. Her eyes were red. I whipped away the remaining of her tears with my thumbs. "A while ago she told me the entire story and confessed how incredibly ashamed and guilty she felt for not coming for you. She wanted to so many times in the past, but she always decided against it because she was afraid you would blame her as well, just as she blames herself." I sigh, and I watched Sakura, though all she did was look at me with a strange expression on her face that I couldn't identify. "She can't fix the past, and because of the past, she can't move on to the future."

I waited for Sakura to say something, but she stayed oddly quiet. As silence stretched, I began to feel more and more awkward, and I started talking again, half hoping I was making a difference, the other half simply to fill the void. "I can't tell you how many times she stood by the front gates of your house, at war with herself whether she should make another step or not, whether she should come talk to you like she knew she should have all along. But the more she decided against it, the more time passed. And the more time passed, the more she was reluctant to go see you at all, thinking it is too late."

I paused again, wondering if Sakura was ready to talk, but she was still watching me. Her lavender eyes switching back and forth between mine as if looking to see one of them will disagree with me. "I know it's not my business to say this, but I honestly think you both will be in a much better state by letting go of what is past and reestablishing your relationship. I've been trying to convince her to do that for weeks, but she is just as stubborn as she is ashamed at herself. Like I said, I know this isn't my business, but I am only looking out for you, for the both of you."

Sakura seemed oddly still, and I was about to ask her if she was ok, when she suddenly drew her hand to her mouth, her brows wrinkled up and I saw tears in her eyes again. Alarmed, I thought back to what I said, wondering if I said something wrong, something that might have upset her, but I didn't find anything.

"Sakura, what—"

"I've always loved you, Senpai," she said, and launched herself into my arms again.

I was taken aback, but I smiled nonetheless and stroked her hair. "I love you too, Sakura."

Immediately as I said it, it was as if it all came crashing down on me. My hand stopped mid-motion, and before my eyes, I saw memory after memory of Sakura: Sakura smiling at me, Sakura helping me with my chores, Sakura cooking breakfast, Sakura being firm with me when I was injured during the Holy Grail war. It seemed it was going back in time. Now I was seeing her tending to my injured shoulder, her bringing me food to my room, her kind smile. Immediately as I said it, I realized something what Tohsaka and Fuji-nee meant in their comments about Sakura and me. I realized something I should have seen all along, but I was too blind to see. Sakura didn't love me how I loved her. Or I should say, I didn't love her how she loved me.

This time it was Sakura who pulled away to look at me. Her eyes were full of wonder and hope, but when they made contact with mine, it was like she had an identical wake of reality. The wonder and hope vanished and were replaced by pure and heart-wrenching disappointment.

"Sakura..." I couldn't help but say that sadly, as if my heart was being squeezed in a tight fist. I loved Sakura, so, so much. But I loved her as a sister. I could never return her feelings because my heart will always belong to Saber. For how long had she had these feelings? Was I really that blind or have I been unconsciously shutting them out simply because I couldn't return them? Sakura understood the meaning of my words before I understood hers.

Sakura started shaking her head, though she didn't seem aware of herself doing so, and quickly stepped away from me. "I–I'm s–sorry, Senpai," she said, her voice trembling so badly, I hardly understood her. What was she apologizing for? I should be the one apologizing! She turned around and was ready to run away, but I saw what she wanted to do and got a hold of her wrist before she had a chance to.

"Sakura, please––"

"Senpai, I am so sorry to burden you with my feelings. I've always known I was unworthy of your love—"

"Sakura––"

"I understand, Senpai, Tohsaka-Senpai is a much better choice, prettier too—"

"Sakura!" I didn't mean to yell, but I couldn't seem to get through to hey any other way. She looked at me as if she just now realized that I've been trying to speak all along. But now that I've got her attention, what am I to say? What do you say to the person who loves you and has loved you for years, but you don't return their feelings? How will this change my relationship with Sakura? Will she shun me in her embarrassment? I didn't want to lose her. I've already lost one person I loved. Could my heart take another blow like that? "Sakura, I love you." I took her by the shoulders so she would look me in the eyes. "I love you," I repeated, waiting for a reaction. "You are part of the family. My family. I don't know where I would be without you and everything you've done for me. I think I will be eternally indebted to you. You are the sister I never had."

I sighed, almost wishing I didn't have to say it. "But my heart belongs to Saber." Declaring my love for Saber has never been this hard. I've never had to declare my love for Saber to deny somebody else's.

Sakura remained silent for the longest time. Childishly, since I was so anxious for her answer, I started counting the seconds, but that seemed to bring me closer to insanity. Soon enough I lost count of how many minutes passed of us simply staring at each other.

Finally taking pity on me, she said, in the smallest of voices, "If you love Saber, what are you doing at Tohsaka-Senpai's house?"

Right. I didn't think about that. And Sakura didn't know about the Holy Grail War, nor where Saber went, or what happened to her. Sakura didn't know anything. On an impulse decision, I decided to tell her. I was so tired of lies and deception that I took her hand, led her to the couch, and told her everything. I didn't spare any details. I started from the beginning, with me witnessing the fight between Archer and Lancer, then continued with my near-death experience – or, better yet, death experience and then how I was revived. I told her what Kotomine told me about the Holy Grail Wars, and about what Saber was as well as my journey as a Master. Finally, I concluded with the night of the final battle and how Saber told me she loved me too before she disappeared. Sakura has been oddly composed throughout my entire speech, as if none of this sounded foreign to her at all.

I didn't know for how long I have been talking, but when I stopped, my throat felt oddly dry. I sighed. "To answer your question, the reason I go to Tohsaka's house is because she's helping me bring Saber back."

I saw her intake a sharp breath. "Can you do that, Senpai?"

Her reaction was better than I expected, so I exhaled relieved, surprised to find out that I was actually holding my breath. "Yeah, apparently. Tohsaka just found out a way to do that. That's why I had to run off on you at dinner," I smiled at her apologetically. "It was actually during one of our researching sessions that Tohsaka told me about you and her."

At the sound of Tohsaka's name, Sakura's body became oddly still. Her hands, folded neatly in her lap, clenched tightly. "You think she meant all that, Senpai?" she asked quietly.

Her question took me by surprise. "What, her being guilty she hasn't told you all this herself? Of course. I saw it, Sakura." She looked at me questioningly. "In her eyes, I mean, when she told me all this."

I saw her sigh and then she abruptly got up from the couch. My eyes drifted off for a few moments toward one of the windows and saw that it was getting dark out. They soon went back on Sakura, who was facing away from me. After several seconds, she turned around and said, "I would like to go see Nee-san."

The statement took me completely by surprise. First because she called Tohsaka "Nee-san," something I've never heard her say before, and because she said she wanted to go now.

"Right now, Sakura? It's pretty late," I said, looking outside again. It was growing steadily darker.

She clasped her hands together, looking resolute. "Yes, I would like to go now, Senpai."

I smiled at her. I couldn't argue with that face. "Ok, let's go now then." I held out my hand toward Sakura and she seemed momentarily surprised by that gesture before she smiled and grasped it. Together se set off to Tohsaka's house, which wasn't too far away. I wondered how this would go, me going to Tohsaka's house with Sakura. Technically, now I really betrayed her trust. Not only did Sakura knows everything that Tohsaka told me, but I told her how Tohsaka felt about the situation and about her. If there was any way to seal the betrayal, I just did it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I looked at Sakura. She was looking straight ahead, her expression serious. I wondered what she was thinking and how she was planning on talking to Tohsaka. I didn't really worry about it though. I had this feeling that Sakura would somehow make it all better.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked her after a few minutes of silence, looking at her warily from the corner of my eye.

"I was never mad at you, Senpai," she answered evenly.

"But—"

Sakura turned to face me, and she was smiling. "I was ashamed, I was humiliated, I was horrified, but I was never mad at you." She paused, considered her words, then continued. "I was also very guilty, Senpai."

That surprised me more than anything. "Why would you be guilty, Sakura?"

"Because you found out I've been hiding things from you, Senpai. Important things. For all I knew, you didn't trust me anymore. I'm not the person you thought I was. I never was," she ended with a sad note in her tone.

My hand tightened slightly on hers and I frowned, feeling almost offended by her words. "Just because I didn't know certain things about you doesn't mean that you're a different person. You're still Sakura, you always were, and you always will be."

Sakura smiled warmly. Her eyes trailed toward our intertwined hands, then back to mine. "Thank you, Senpai," she said softly.

I smiled at her, and I continued to smile at her profile even after she looked away. After a few seconds, it faded as I kept looking at Sakura, my friend, my unbiological sister, and the girl who has had a crush on me for who knows how long. I couldn't help but think if this will have any sort of impact on our relationship. Would it at all? I couldn't help but think, as my eyes drifted toward our hands, that we seemed all right. That nothing was damaged between us. I involuntarily tightened my grip on her hand as I desperately hoped that to be true. However, my hoping might be different from the truth.

"Sakura," I started, unsure if I should breach this subject now, seeing as how we were almost at Tohsaka's.

"Yes, Senpai?" she looked at me questioningly.

"I was wondering…" I trailed off, suddenly feeling unsure whether I should even ask. I swallowed, and said, in a rush, "I was wondering if we are okay."

She didn't ask what I meant. Sakura smiled knowingly, her eyes drifting between our hands again, the ground, Tohsaka's house, then finally back to me. Finally, she said, "I just want you to be happy, Senpai." She paused. "Whether it's with me or somebody else, I just want you to be happy."

"But, before––" I started, feeling thoroughly confused.

"We're here," Sakura interrupted and let go of my hand to ring the doorbell.

A/N: I know I've said this before too, but this chapter was hard to write! One thing about fanfiction is that you're taking set characters int oa situation they've never been in before. And the problem with that is that, even if you know the characters inside and out, you still won't know how they will react. People surprise you all the time, and so do the characters. And this situation was completely unforseen by me when I was writing down the framework of this story.

But anyway, enough about that. I hope you guys like it, and yes, if you're wondering, I am still working on this. I won't stop until I'm done. I've made a promise and I'm gonna stick with it.

Review please! : D