Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn! or any of its characters, settings, or WTF villain costumes.
Notes/Warnings: Spoilers through chapter 261. Also I'm pretty sure Mukuro's the one with the boots, but whatever, Byakuran would totally wear them too.
Summary: You know that thing Byakuran does where he meditates and communicates with his other selves? It turns out those meetings are pretty fabulous.
Mafia Days: Chapter Four - The Byakuran Society
"I now call this meeting of the Byakuran Society to order," announced Byakuran, tapping the podium with a gavel to make it official.
"So what's first on the agenda, everyone?" asked Byakuran as he reclined on the couch and lazily plunked a marshmallow peep into his mouth.
"If no one objects, I have an urgent matter that I would like to bring to everyone's attention," spoke up a Byakuran in the corner. "It's in regards to fashion."
Instantly a hushed silence fell over the room; Byakuran even ceased munching on his peep so that he could listen all the more attentively.
"It has been brought to my notice," Byakuran began gravely, "that the calf is no longer high enough."
"High enough for what?" asked one Byakuran who clearly hadn't been paying attention in Byakuran School.
"Boots, of course," Byakuran replied, casting a scornful look in Byakuran's direction before turning his attention back to his more knowledgeable audience.
Gasps of shock and bewilderment sounded off around the room.
"But if the calf isn't high enough, what is?" cried one Byakuran who had his hands clasped on either side of his head like that Munch painting. "The knee?"
"The thighs, apparently," Byakuran reported. "Or even the crotch."
"The crotch?" several Byakurans gasped at once, and one or two even fainted.
"Yes. I know it sounds crazy, but in order to further our aims of conquering the universe and ruling over everyone with an iron fist, we're all going to have to start wearing crotch-high boots." He paused. "Also as many belts as possible. I forget why, exactly, but there's a certain logic to it. I guess."
"It's settled, then. We will all adopt these changes in fashion as soon as possible." Byakuran banged his gavel again, the picture of efficiency and authority. "Next order of business?"
"There's a guy in my universe who can't die," Byakuran said. "I think his name is Daisy. Anyway, I deposed him because he was trying to do his own little dictator thing in my world, but I just thought you guys might be interested. Could be Funeral Wreath material, you never know."
"Duly noted." Bang went the gavel again. "Next?"
"Ah, we discovered the cure to that blight thing." Byakuran held up a syringe, taking a quick look around. "Didn't one of you say you were looking for that?"
"Yes, thank you, I'll take that," replied Byakuran, holding his palm out eagerly. Byakuran handed him the medicine.
"Thank you, Byakuran, you're a credit to us all."
"You're quite welcome, Byakuran. And might I add that you are looking particularly handsome today."
"How good of you to say so, Byakuran. And you as well."
"Yes, we're all incredibly attractive men, of course," Byakuran said with an impatient wave of his hand. "But let's keep things moving along. These meetings aren't as easy to coordinate as they used to be. Are there any further matters to be addressed?"
"Let's compare how many times we've each had sex this week," said Byakuran eagerly. "I love it when we do that. And then we should add them all together and find out how much it is total."
"I got laid sixty times just last weekend," Byakuran alleged, looking incredibly smug. "I'm not even kidding."
"Sixty? Pfft. Try two hundred."
"Byakurans, please, if we could all just focus for a minute?" Byakuran tapped his gavel impatiently.
"I think Shou-chan is plotting against me," said one Byakuran who looked particularly glum.
"Well, of course he is," replied Byakuran, not the least bit concerned. "They always do eventually."
"Yeah... But I don't know, I guess part of me just hoped that mine would be different."
"We all did. There, there." Byakuran rubbed his back in sympathy while Byakuran pulled out a tissue and dabbed delicately at the corners of his eyes.
"I suppose this means we're done, then," sighed Byakuran, tapping his gavel one more time. "Meeting adjourned," he said airily, as though he were above it all.
Immediately, mindless chatter broke out across the room.
"I don't even know if they make crotch-high boots in my world..."
"Hello, who cares, you're the goddamned emperor of everything. Just order someone to make you a pair."
"They're all going to think I'm weird..."
"I just..." Sniff. "...don't see why it has to come to this!" Hiccup. "We were such good friends... we won first place in the science fair together! I still remember when we went out for ice cream afterward, and I asked him, do you want to be a captain in my awesome new mafia family, and he said sure, and I said great, and he said do I get to wear a cape, and I said sure if you want, and he said awesome, and... a-and...!"
"There, there..."
Gradually, the hum of collective voices began to blur and then fade away. In his meditation room, Byakuran opened his eyes once more to his dark and silent world, where he was, at least for the time being, the only one.
He smiled. It was good to have peace and quiet, but all the same, he did so love those get-togethers with the old gang.