Title: Permission Ch 3

Main characters: Hortence Mitchell(OC), Logan Mitchell

Side characters: Brooke, James, Joanna, Kendall, Carlos, Sylvia, Jennifer (Some are only mentioned)

Warning: Slash Jagan

Summary: Logan before he joined Big Time Rush. Told in his father's point of view, thus Logan's name will be referred as 'Hortence'.

A/N: In a universe where Logan was named after his father (Hortence Mitchell); Brooke told the guys to call 'Hortence' as 'Logan' when they're about twelve; the audition was in L.A. not Minnesota with Logan driving to there; and Logan can dance and sing from the start. I just re-watched Big Time Audition and realized my mistake, so sorry. Getting angstier because the author ships angst.

My name's Hortence Mitchell. I married my wife at age twenty and she gave birth to a baby boy two years after. I named him after myself. Why? No particular reason. My father was named after his father. Mine was not, but I did think it was just fine and legal. Nothing was wrong with naming your son after yourself! I meant, look at those glorious kings in the history!

Joanna, my wife, didn't seem to mind. So that's how my baby Hortence Mitchell got his name.

He grew to be a very obedient boy. He's cute and sweet, almost like a girl, but he was manly in few cases. He's astoundingly smart, scored A+ in most of all his subjects. He sang well. He was also into dancing, which he did with his group of friends often. And I knew he was popular too with girls because I once read a love letter directed to him, which I read because we shared exact same name. He looked so embarrassed like he was going to die, so I apologized. It surprised me that later I asked if he dated that girl he said no.

"I don't really like her in the same way, Dad. I'm afraid I'll end up hurting her." Was his reason.

His weak points were probably his timidity. I repeatedly told him to gain more self confidence but it was something related to personality, I couldn't really fix it. Actually that just made him endearingly sweet.

No one was perfect so why bother changing what made him different? That was my thought. I'd let him find Hortence in himself.

One day Hortence brought home his three guy friends and introduced them as James, Kendall, and Carlos. They seemed nice, and the most important thing was that my son was happy hanging out with them. Something caught my interest though. When I was going to deliver some drinks to his room, I heard his friends calling him not 'Hortence' but uh... 'Logan'? What was that? A nickname? Wasn't nickname supposed to be taken by the original name? Like Samantha became Sam, or Fredward became Freddie? Logan and Hortence were complete far and not related!

So I decided to ask. "Hortence, come here, Sonny boy!" I called my son when he had just finished brushing his teeth and heading back to his room. He flashed his dimply smile and came to me instead, in family room.

"Yes, Dad?"

"There's something Daddy wants to ask you. Come here, come here!" I patted the free spot next to me on the couch. He happily bounced down on it. His mood must have been good that day. "Actually, Daddy has been wondering. Why do your friends call you 'Logan'? Daddy doesn't remember giving you that name."

He looked surprised, if not shocked. "Uh, Logan? Maybe Dad's mistaken? Maybe we're talking about my friend at school named Logan, not calling me."

"Hortence, Daddy knows you are not a liar. You don't feel comfortable when you're lying, right? So don't do that!"

My son sighed. "Sorry, Dad. Well, of course Daddy doesn't remember naming me Logan because it's not Daddy who did. It's James's mother. She doesn't like my name and she told Kendall and Carlos to start calling me Logan."

I frowned. Who was she to be so righteous about my son's name? Who cares if she likes our names or not? "And why exactly do you guys agree?"

"She is scary. Pretty but scary," he made a horrified expression as he remembered her again. "But it doesn't matter, Dad, my real name is always Hortence Mitchell. It's just a nickname. It's not that I hate it."

Although my son said that, I still had this upset feelings at that such weird women who changed others' names as she pleased.

When Hortence graduated from his elementary school, I was the one who came to his school to take his report card. It was usually Joanna, but she had some bazaar to hold while I had no business today. The other reason was I was curious to see what James's mother looked like.

"Don't scold her for changing my name, Dad, promise me!" Hortence for the nth time reprimanded me. "She is really scary. I don't want her to hate me or something. What if I'm never allowed to play with James again? I like James."

"I promise." Heck, my son was so cute I couldn't help but to cancel what I planned to say when I'm meeting her.

My son never ceased to make me proud of him. He got the first rank throughout his school with only two A's in his report card, the rest were A+'s. I ruffled his short chocolate hair delightfully, "Great job, Hortence. Your mom and I are so gonna get you present for this." He beamed at my promise.

"Ah! Let's meet up with James and the rest. I'm sure they come with their parents." The kid dragged me into the crowd, his eyes searching for his friends. A minute later, the kids were already chatting with each other. Sylvia and Jennifer, Carlos's and Kendall's mother, were trying to converse with me but I felt uncomfortable. I was never good with socializing, moreover to the mothers of my kid's best friends.

"Carlos, Kendall, have you seen James?" I heard Hortence asking.

"Sure, lots of times. Everytime I saw him he's always with you," answered Kendall randomly.

"Which is why we wonder why he isn't with you now. We thought you are glued to each other in the hands. We often see you walk hand by hand!" Carlos added.

They walked hand by hand? Now that was strange. But they're just kids... My thoughts were interrupted when a boy who seemed to be James ran at them.

"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late. My mother's late again. She's too busy with her business. So after taking this report card, I have to go quickly."

"It's okay, James. Oh, my father wants to see your mother. Where's she?"

"She's...ah..." The pretty kid looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of his mother out of the crowd, "there! Mom!" He pointed at one direction and ran there.

I looked up to see his direction, and my breath was caught. His mother was... her?

Her name was Brooke Diamond. I first knew her as the class president of my class when I was eleventh grader. She was smart, pretty, and scary. She had this ruling aura that would make you obey what she wanted, not in a bad way. And she was beautifully gorgeous.

I was drawn to her at first sight. But I had had a girlfriend already. What I felt towards her was more to one time attraction and admiration, nothing more nothing less. I had no intention to break up with Joanna because I loved her so much, but apparently Brooke didn't know this. Maybe I was too close to her. Maybe I was being too kind. She mistook it and confessed to me.

That was my first time receiving a confession (I was the one who confessed to Joanna) and I didn't know how to reject her. So I did it, perhaps too painfully. I was the honest type of person, so I told her, "Sorry, Brooke. But I don't love you that way. I like you as friends. And I've already had a girlfriend, Joanna." She cried and all I did was leaving her alone. Perfect!

We never spoke to each other until we graduated. So who expected us to meet again years after, on our kids' elementary school graduation day?

She didn't change really much. Still pretty, still scary. Just like how my son portrayed her to be. A blatant surprise expression was visible in her face when she saw me.

"I'm Hortence's father, nice to meet you again, Brooke." I smiled and opened the conversation.

"Ah, Logan. Well, you too, Hortence. How are you?" Though still shocked, she managed to smile too.

"I'm very fine, thank you!"

"Your father knows my mother, Logie? Are they friends?" Her son asked, making me flinch at the pet name. 'Logie'? Did all members of that Diamond family like to call people as the please like that?

"I don't know... Maybe? But they don't look happy meeting each other."

Great! Even my son knew how fake this smile on my lips was. I couldn't help breaking my little promise with Hortence my son and asked, "May I know why do you dislike my son's name? Don't tell me you hate me that much."

"Dad!" Hortence ran to me and hit my waist. I let out a small yelp as he did that. "You promised me!" I chose to ignore him.

"I just don't like that name. And I don't hate you. You're not one of my favourite persons but I don't hate you." Came her simple answer. With a tone that told you not to intrigue further because her answer was done and final.

The kids and their mothers were looking at me questioningly. I sighed. "Come on, Hortence. Let's go. We'll get your presents."

My son didn't look as pleased as earlier, but he nodded. He was always obedient to me, of which I was so proud. "Bye, James. Bye, Kendall. Bye, Carlos. See you guys again in that junior high school we applied."

In the car...

"Daddy won't forbid me to be friends with James, will you?"

How could I refuse if he asked me like that? "Yes, Hortence. It's his mother and I who have the problems, we don't have any rights to control our kids' relationship."

Hortence looked like he wanted to add something, but he backed out. Instead, he hugged me from his seat. "Thanks Dad! I love you!"

"Love you too, Son."

"WHAT?"

I couldn't believe my ears. My wife must have said something else. There was no way that my son was... Oh well, he was cute and lovely but he couldn't have been...

Hortence was crying and Joanna was hugging him from the right. "Hortence, it is not Logan's fault. No one could choose with whom they will fall in love." Great, even my wife had gotten used to calling him 'Logan'.

I felt like slapping him, punching him, straight to the head until he remembered he was a guy and was supposed to fall in love with girls. This just didn't make any sense! Which I almost did. My right arm had raised but I backed off. I could not, would not hit my only son. I loved him. And the least I wanted was him hating me, thinking I was a mean father who couldn't understand his son.

"I don't know, Hortence. I'm disappointed."

His tears only flowed more hearing what I said. I let out a heavy sigh. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Who?" Hortence looked up to me with teary eyes, not catching what I meant. "Who is the guy who made you realize this? Who is it that you like?"

"Will you forbid me being –hics– friends with him...Dad?"

Argh I knew it! "James. Again." His silence meant my guess was right. I smacked my forehead, suddenly feeling dizzy. "Is he like you? I mean does he have the same feelings? You once said that this James is popular with girls. He's going out with different girl every week. You know that yet you still fall for that kid? Dad just doesn't want you sad. Dad doesn't want you to feel heart broken."

"No...Dad. I have these hurting feelings everytime he's going out with girls –hics– that now it doesn't hurt that much anymore. I don't plan to tell him. I don't wish him to reply my feelings. Actually I never want to tell anyone that I am gay but... –hics– but you're my parents I thought... you will accept me..."

I gave up. He trusted me! For that simple reason, I gave up. So I sat on his left and joined my wife to hug him. "...Dad?"

"I'm glad you're brave enough to tell us, Hortence. Thank you for trusting us. You're our only son, our Hortence Mitchell. I will let you find yourself and if that is what you found, I can't do anything. You will decide what makes you happy."

"Thanks Dad. I really love you..." Hortence smiled, showing pure happiness and relief, and he hugged me back. Joanna nodded at me, approving my actions. I let out another heavy sigh as I brushed my hand on my son's soft brown hair. This was not right. I did realize I spoiled him too much.

"Dad, I'm going to L.A. this weekend."

My son had grown up to be a handsome charming teen. He's independent, still obedient, very kind hearted, diligent, and so talented. It wasn't a parent boasting if I called my son perfect. Oh he was still timid, slightly geeky sometimes, but didn't that just make him adorable? Like you wanted to protect him forever? Oh geez that could be one reason why he liked guys instead of girls. I always groaned when I remembered that. We never discussed about it again though, but I knew my son still got something for that James Diamond.

Oh, back to what Hortence was saying. "L.A.? What for? Need I to drive?"

"James's going to audition there. He wants to be a pop star." Hortence no longer needed to refer James as a 'friend' now, he knew I would know. "So Kendall, Carlos, and I are going to accompany him. I'll drive his car. And... probably to say goodbye." His voice lowered when he said his last sentence.

I walked towards him. He stopped packing his clothes and looked at me with those tough eyes. I patted his shoulder slightly. "Well maybe James is never meant for me, Dad. If we're apart, perhaps I can find a way to see girls around me and fall in love?" He giggled bitterly.

"Hortence you don't have to act strong in front of your Daddy."

His fake smile dropped, replaced by pure sadness. But he was not going to cry. Big boys don't cry. "I really love you, Daddy! You're the best father in the world!"

I had problems ruffling his hair like I usually did, because he was now as tall as me. It wasn't necessary though. My son had already known how I loved him too.

"Dad..." My son came home with solemn face. Well, he must have broken his heart. Who to blame?

"Come here, Sonny boy. It'll be alright." I extended my arm, inviting my son in my hug. But he shook his head. What was going on?

"James didn't pass." I grimaced. So he's going back? "Kendall did instead." I frowned. "A woman forced us to audition too. We all failed except Kendall. But he didn't want to sign if he was going solo. He sang weird song, insulted the producer, said that he would sign with one condition. That is if we go as boyband, all four of us. We sang, then the producer agreed." What? "So we're moving to L.A." WHAT? "Kendall's mother and sister will come with us. So you don't have to worry..."

How did it turn out like this? I had always hated James Diamond now don't blame me if I came to hate Kendall Knight too. "But how about your dream? You said you wanted to be a doctor! I know you're good at singing and dancing too, but I am not going to let your friends take over your dream!"

"I've discussed that with Kendall. The hotel-apartment we'll live in is special for those future-famous Hollywood stars. There's a school there, so I can always continue my high school education. I'll make sure being in Big Time Rush won't make me fail, Dad, I promise. But you know we won't be in Big Time Rush forever. Once everything is done, I'll go to med school. I'll be a doctor like I've always dreamt of. You'll be proud of me. I can guarantee that, Dad, I promise."

Normally I would grant whenever he pleaded and promised like this, because he had never disappointed me (except the fact that he's gay, but well, he couldn't help it). But I couldn't let it slide this time. It related to his future! His dream! Hortence had always wanted to be a doctor. It never changed since he answered the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up' was thrown in his kindergarten. How could he throw it only to please his friends?

"Dad, please, I don't want to choose my friends over you."

"Then don't!"

"Daaaad..." He started to whine. "You said you'll let me find myself. I'm looking for it now. Let's see if I find it in Big Time Rush. If I don't, I can always go back to where I had taken my wrong way."

Such a good metaphor to turn over my words. But that didn't change my mind. Not this time. "No, Hortence. You're going to graduate your high school here, going into med school right after, and becoming a doctor. That is what you've always wanted. I no longer mind if you like whoever you want to like but I refuse to let him corrupt your dream."

"It's not like that! I do like singing and dancing! It's not only for James's sake. Like I said, Dad, there's also a possibility that actually I can be happier that way, being a star on stage instead of healing people at hospital."

Never once in my life I thought my son was illogical. If being in love would turn him like this, I should have prevented this by forbidding Hortence and James being friends. I shouldn't have fallen for his tears. I should have been more steadfast with my decision...

I left the room, fuming.

My son would not ever choose his friends over me, would he?

When he did, my heart broke into million pieces. I felt like I had lost my Hortence, my only son whom I loved so much.

Watching TV was never my family's hobby. But lately Joanna liked to. She would call me whenever Big Time Rush was on.

"Hortence our son is talented in many things. Not only science, he does well in singing and dancing too." She opened a conversation.

"I know that. I just want what's best for him."

"How do you know that being a doctor now is better than Big Time Rush? Look how happy your son is!"

I stared at the TV. It was showing one of Big Time Rush's MV called "City is Ours". I sighed. He did look happy. The other three guys seemed happy too. Maybe he had found what he was looking for. Not Hortence, but Logan. He had found Logan in himself.

I felt disappointed, but it was minor compared to how proud I was. It was not easy to admit that, but it was true. When he came home, I'd tell him that he never ceased to make me proud of him.

-End of Chapter 3-