Chapter Two:

Meet Your Suitors, Princess Zelda!

Yes, yes, its been a while. Life calls, and it was a spur of the moment to update this. I've already completed the fic and almost all of the sequel, and even started on two prequels, one in Link's POV and one in Sheik's (the male Sheik). Oh well, I'm sure you'd rather read the chapter and not this little note, so enjoy!

S.V

Of course everyone neglected to tell me that I had three suitors joining me for dinner.

I thought it was strange that Impa took me to my quarters for a time consuming session of 'Freshening up', which dressed me in my best silver dress, that I loved because I looked like I had bigger boobs (mine were kinda too small for my liking), took my braid out, giving my hair a wavy look (so that's why she braided my hair!) and reapplied make-up and perfume. She even put on my super spectacular tiara I inherited from mum.

Now here I am, sitting at dinner, Impa and Sheik flanking me. Father sat at one end, Nabooru at the other. She was the Prince's older sister or something, which was pretty cool, but Sheik was idly glancing at her, making the green monster rear its ugly head within me. I sat in the middle, facing my three choices for a husband.

The Zora, of course, dressed in royal Zora robes, didn't tickle my fancy. I'm sure he was good looking for a Zora, but I hadn't seen any other Zora males, so I couldn't judge.

The Goron seemed friendly. He was buff and large, obviously strong, but I didn't want to get crushed in my night of passion on the Wedding Day. Pretty sure those spikes won't feel good on me either…

The Gerudo, however, was another case. All my comments about Gerudo's flew out the window when I saw him. I kept trying to tell myself that this boy's entire tribe was not exactly on friendly terms with Hylian folk. However, he was…well, pretty dang hot himself. Not as hot as Sheik, mind you. I had to keep looking at Sheik to remind myself how utterly in love I was with him.

His name, however, was Vladimir. Which means he had the kick ass nickname: Vlad. (I know, to some people it sounds like the noise you make when puking, but trust me, you do not want to puke when you see his face. Or body.) He had short, wild red hair and sun kissed skin. His eyes were a liquid topaz colour and he was slightly more muscular than Sheik. Every time he smiled, a perfect set of pearly whites revealed themselves. I'd compare his smile to Sheik's, but I've never seen Sheik actually smile.

And since male births were a rarity in the desert, that crowned Vlad ruler of the Gerudo's. So, he was the Prince of Thieves. Which sounded hot too. I had no doubts he was the best, but I'd have to say Sheik could kick his ass in a duel. You don't fan girl one man all your life to bet against him the next time a handsome man came your way.

"Princess Zelda," My father began, which drew everyone's attention to him. "Is a vibrant young woman."

Woah. Sounds scary. That's the first time I've ever thought of myself as a woman. I just thought of myself as a 'girl' or a 'teenager'.

"Full of life," he mused. "She's very adept in the ways of Magic. Dances as graceful as a swan," I saw that guy Andre, the one who I was dancing with earlier grimace slightly. "And is smart beyond belief."

Well, not to toot my own horn, but I do hold the Triforce of Wisdom.

"I couldn't ask for a better daughter," he continued, suddenly getting teary eyed. Aw dad, don't start with the water works. I'm not married yet. "Nay a better ruler for this land."

After that little speech, everyone decided to clap. I glanced around confused. The man just said a few words! Wasn't that great, was it?

Impa decided that for me when she pinched my hand. So I clapped and pretend to wipe a few fake tears away from my eyes, waved my hand forward in a bashful manner. "Oh daddy!" I giggled…not really. I wanted to puke. I hated acting like that.

And then the dinner continued on nicely. I wasn't talking to anyone. Sheik wasn't talking to anyone. I wanted to talk to him, but I don't think he wanted to talk to me. So instead I stared rather rudely at Fish Face.

I stared a good few minutes. And no one noticed.

Do you know how hard it is to imagine yourself married to a humanoid fish? Pretty difficult. Well, try imagining an offspring.

What would it be? I'd probably lay eggs or something I thought amused as I sipped my wine. Whew, pretty strong stuff your serving here daddy!

I stared again, imagining me standing beside him, holding a baby squid in my arms. I don't like squids, so I tried an Octork instead. Mm, too evil for my liking. No to mention I had suction cups stuck to my face. I think the only kick out of that would be breastfeeding, and I don't want to feel that way during breastfeeding.

The Goron was a bit easier to imagine. A cute cuddly baby that resembled Shrek in many ways. Whatever Shrek is. It was yellow. A giant potato in diapers. Aww!

But then Vlad. I imagined myself with him, and well, I didn't planned to get knocked up that soon with him. Spend a few years in endless passion first before jumping into family plans. Just looking at him got my body feeling weird. Or maybe that was the wine. Either way, I wanted both.

"More wine, please!" I called, giggling strangely. I stared alarmed. I don't giggle like that.

Oh well, at least Marcus came over to me with more wine. I was happy. I began sipping happily and continued staring at Vlad, which I knew was wrong, because I was so utterly and hopelessly devoted to one man: Sheik.

"Princess Zelda," I looked up at the person or thing that was calling my name. Oh, Fish Face. I smiled quickly and gulped some wine. This stuff ought to put a few hairs on my chest, which I wanted to avoid at all costs. "Tell me about yourself."

I stared at him blankly. "Wasn't that little speech father did describing me enough to you?"

Impa gasped and scolded me instantly, but I swear I saw a flicker of a smirk over Sheik's face as he brought his wine glass to his lips. If only I was that wine glass—

"Princess!" Impa hissed.

"Well, that's him talking about you," Vlad grinned, joining in. Oh, if Vlad was in, then I am too! He glanced at Impa, still grinning. "It seems his Highness has left out one quality."

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Oh?"

He smirked. The wine hitched in my throat. Oh crap, I don't want to choke on this stupid beverage and spit it out over him. But his smirk was enough to catch my breath. Why didn't Sheik do these things?! Then boys like Vlad wouldn't catch my eye!

I swallowed. Thankfully.

"Yes," he mused, swirling the golden coloured wine in his goblet. "Your fiery attitude."

I wanted to blurt out "I bring that fiery attitude to bed, baby." But I couldn't. I practised talking sexily in the mirror many times before. Let's just say no mirror has survived.

Impa frowned. "I'm sorry, Prince Vladimir. The Princess has yet to learn to bite her tongue." She added the last words with emphasis, directing them at me, no doubt. I stared at her oblivious. I loved playing dumb.

"She's rather amusing," Vlad grinned. "The perfect kind of woman to have on one's arm."

Oh baby. It's not the alcohol making me hot.

"However," Sheik spoke. I swear the apocalypse was happening. Sheik NEVER joined in conversation. Woo! I'm now Sheik's fan girl again! "She is rather clumsy, and lazy."

I wanted to fall off my chair, crawl under the table and hide. Impa didn't take this too well either. Fish Face has disconnected himself from the conversation and Vlad broke into laughter, which was the sound of a Sex God laughing. Not that Sheik's voice didn't sound like a Sex God—wait, what does a Sex God sound like? Who cares? I was eager to find out.

"This is coming from the boy who never knows when to shut up." Impa hinted subtly. I thanked her for her sly wit. Sheik smirked at Vlad. Gods don't make me choose like this! It's cruel!

The rest of the evening chortled on evenly. Sheik and Vlad were amusing each other, talking about the history of Sheikah and Gerudo and how much in common they had. It's nice to know that his reputation hasn't been tarnished with boys forever. How am I supposed to find someone now?

Oh yeah, I'm dedicated to Sheik. Even if he did just diss me infront of a total hottie. It was worth hearing his sweet voice.

"I know last night was a late night," Impa scolded, snapping the back of my hand with a ruler. "But if you want to master this technique, you must pay attention."

I yawned my response and sat up. Nothing was worse than a hangover combined with tiredness and magick exhaustion. Oh, and the bright, cheerful day we were experiencing in Market Town.

Impa snapped my hand again.

"Cut it out, will ya?" I snapped. "I'm awake!"

She grinned evilly once more and snapped me again.

"Darn it woman!" --

I stood up at patted down the remainder of my dress. We were in the courtyard for my last class today, the transformation technique, which would alter my appearance. I had a choice of what I wanted to be; a Zora, Goron, Gerudo, Kokiri, whatever. I however, chose to transform into a Sheikah.

So far, it was going well, in my opinion. Minus the dress that was barely clinging to me, that was tattered and torn. It was a rather nice dress. Had a long, healthy life, but, alas, cometh, it's endeth. Okay, I can't talk Shakespearean, shoot me.

My hair was tied back into a neat bun. No fringe out for me today. No jewellery, no fancy accessories. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

"Okay, go again," Impa, instructed.

Right now, (because if I stood still, I'd fall asleep) I was running and transforming. In order to run, I had to rip a cherished dress. I had no other clothes to train in, so, the end was rather nigh for my pretty pink dress.

I nodded in fierce determination and began my sprint. Let me tell you, once I had this thing down pat, I'd need to work on my running. Because literally, ten steps and it's all downhill from there. By the fifth step, I concentrated my Magic inside me to my centre and felt the warm, magick flow through me. In a sudden puff of sparkles and confetti (I chose that over smoke!) I disappeared, and before Impa, stood my new form.

Okay, so my ego had been severely bruised since last night, but she didn't have to worsen it.

Impa was on the ground in a fit of laughter. I huffed and placed my hands on my hips.

"Look!" I snapped sulkily. "I've only been training for a couple of days. You expect me to be able to do it flawlessly in that period of time?"

Impa couldn't even look at me without laughing. She was holding her stomach and tears were sprouting from her eyes. It didn't help that Manna decidedly to literally 'Pop' in.

"Hey, Impa, I've got these documents from the King—" She looked at Impa on the ground, pointing at me. She turned to look at me, and then she too, joined the fit of laughter.

"By Nayru, I can't look that bad!" I snapped again. Walking over to a window, I decided to see what those two witches were cackling about. Then, before the glass could shatter, I looked away, horrified.

I wasn't lithe, graceful and agile like a Sheikah. I was fat, ugly, putting dents in the ground with each step and shattering windows. I broke the transformation before Sheik and Vlad saw me.

I sunk to the ground in utter defeat, my father's words from the previous night flooding back to me.

"She's very adept in the ways of Magic."

Yes.

Very adept in turning into a fat hippopotamus.

No, a fat hippopotamus would be a compliment for…for that thing.