Title: Permission Ch 10

Main characters: James Diamond, Logan Mitchell

Side characters: (Everyone who has appeared and been mentioned)

Warning: Slash Jagan

Summary: The whole story in James's point of view.

A/N: Finally, a James's POV chapter! I love writing in his POV more, actually. Though maybe he got a little OOC, because this pretty boy's mind kinda confused me. So I just made him really in love with Logan. Jagan rules! xD This chapter's quite long and it has a bit of repetition from previous chapters, hope this doesn't bore you :) That's what I like from this chapter actually, since I'm not so happy with how I write the scene when James finally got to know the truth. But well, here's Ch 10~!

Replies for those reviews on which I can't click 'Reply' button in Ch 9:

Anon: Yay! They are meeting again! So did Jamie just hear the mental part or the whole convo? So update soon please?

Fanmin: You'll know how much James heard the conversation here in this chapter :) Here's the update~! Hope you like it. And always, thank you for reading and reviewing.

MissMaslowHenderson: OMG DUDE HE HAS BEEN AWAKE! HOLY SHIT IM GUNNA MAKE THIS REVIEW A LITTLE BIT OF LONG! OMGOMGOMGOMG! DUUDDDEEEE I WONDER WHATS GUNNA HAPPEN I WAS SCREAMING SOOOO LOUD WHEN I READ THE LAST PARAGRAPH! °0° YOU DO NOT NOW HOW MUCH I LLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE THIS FIC ITS MY FAVS OUT THERE ACTUALLY THE NUMBER 1! PLEASR UPDATE SOOON! ^0^ IM TELLING EVERYBODY TO READ THIS! ITS SOO GREAT IM CRYING!

Fanmin: Wow, all caps! *excited* Here I thought you've stopped reading cause you stopped reviewing, guess not? I'm so HAPPY~! It's great that this fic is emotional enough to be able to earn scream and cry, hahaha! Mean me. I'm really really flattered now, really. Here's the update, and thank you for reading, reviewing, and llllooooooovvvvvviiiiing this xDD

Loving Logan was wonderful. I regretted not telling the person sooner, because if I did, I wouldn't have wasted my time with those meaningless girls, and I wouldn't have to feel hurt everytime Logan went out with Camille whom he didn't even love.

When Logan nodded shyly at my confession, I thought my world was complete. I didn't have to worry about anything, no, cause Logan had indeed become my world, the centre of my every attention and care. Oh, I cared about my looks, of course, but Logan always came first.

Hugging him made me know that I stood on the right place. Kissing him was like a battery, recharging me with new energy to go through life. Butterflies would swirl in my stomach and fireworks would start in my brain when I was with him. Loving him was all in all perfect, except for the fact that we had to hide it from the world. We only let Palm Wood residents plus Gustavo and Kelly to know, because they weren't going to judge us.

Unknowingly four years had passed since I got my dream fulfilled, four years since Big Time Rush debuted, three happy years since Logan and I were together. It saddened me when Gustavo told us that Griffin was going to disband us, for real this time. But despite our disappointment, we knew it was for the best. The years we spent here were precious, but everything had its stop. Sooner or later, we're going to disband. There would always be new younger talents, we understood that, so we accepted the decision and made our very last stage memorable to the fans.

Carlos decided to stay in L.A. Some TV producer wanted him to work in their show and set long term contract with him. He hesitated, but Kendall, Logan, and I knew he wanted this big opportunity. Out of the three of us, I was the closest to Carlos. I exactly knew why he hesitated. Carlos didn't want to be the only one leaving the band. Cause no matter what, we were like invisibly bonded in Big Time Rush.

Out of nowhere, I said, "Carlos, you're not the only one leaving the band. Guess what, I'm going to propose Logan so we can make a happy family."

Logan gasped at my spontaneous proposal. "R-really?"

"Yep. Unless I get rejected and―"

"―I'm leaving Big Time Rush to marry James. Sorry, Kendall."

Hearing his quick answer made my heart leapt to the highest sky. But I did feel bad to Kendall though. He was always the one who put us together as one band. Without him, we would have gone. The Hollywood fever, the reality show, everything could have split us up and made us hurting each other. But Kendall kept us as one band.

"No one is leaving the band. We are Big Time Rush. Eventhough Carlos is on some TV show, you two get married, and I apply for hockey scholarship in university, we are always Big Time Rush."

See? Kendall was always the one who led us together. By that we parted ways. Kendall, Logan, and I came back to Minnesota together.

As we reached there, we parted ways. Kendall, Katie, and Mrs. Knight went back to their old house, while Logan and I headed straight into my house.

"Your Mom approves our relationship, right, James?"

As if struck by lightning, I stopped the car immediately. Horror swooped in my vein as I remembered my dictator mother. What if she objected? The only 'no' she had heard perhaps was during that time when she almost forced me back to Minnesota. Could I get the bravery again this time?

"Jamie, it's okay. She loves you. If she thinks it's the best for you, she'll agree. Like when she agrees you're staying in BTR three years ago."

"Wow. You're optimistic! I guess I can't feel down right now."

"Good. Let's get her permission."

Unexpectedly, Logan became brave enough to face my mother. He proved how undying his love for me that my father also supported us. And my mother! Mom was being very unbelievable. She hugged Logan and told him that she was going to change his name again; from Hortence into Logan at that time, from Mitchell into Diamond this time. Logan Diamond! I couldn't wait to call him that.

"I really love you, Logie."

"I do too, Jamie. But you know, we should come again to apologize for leaving just like that. It's rude."

"Like I care? Mom understands that I'm too happy to care about courtesy. Kay, Logie, let's head to your house. So... your parents approve our relationship, right?"

I frowned as this time, Logan was the one who acted like just being struck by lightning. I began to worry. It must be his mother. Because, ever since kindergarten, I knew Logan was very close to his father. They even shared same name! Mr. Mitchell was always present in every competition Logan joined, or when the boy got injured during hockey game. I concluded that Mr. Mitchell loved his son very much, so he would support Logan's decision to marry me, right? I couldn't believe getting Mrs. Mitchell's permission would be a trouble. She looked pretty nice, and she often treated me for candies when I was still a kid.

Maybe Logan was just back being pessimistic. Maybe he thought it would be difficult when in fact his parents would just hug me and welcome me into their family. I soon forgot the worry. Everything was going to be okay.

It was until we neared his house Logan finally spoke, "James..."

"Yes, Logie Bear?"

"I'm afraid that getting my father's permission won't be as easy as your mother's."

Logan made me swore that I wouldn't hurt his father's feelings. By then I knew it was not that easy. If Mr. Mitchell was that type of protective father who loved his son too much to let him marry me, it was not going to be easy. It took me a lot to make decisions, moreover ones that could affect in my relationship with Logan, but then I said, "You know... I said earlier if my mother refused to accept us, I would never stop loving you and seeing you anytime I want. But I don't want you to do that for me."

It was for the best.

And what we feared most came true, Logan's father rejected me. I was close to tears. If it was because I was my look, or my behaviour, or the suddenness of this plan, I would step back and fix myself so he would finally accept me. But he rejected me because I was a guy. He wanted a daughter-in-law for Logan eventhough he knew Logan was gay! For a moment I doubted Mr. Mitchell actually cared for his son.

But then I saw it. It was me. Mr. Mitchell disliked me. If it was another guy, maybe he would reconsider. But the problem was me. I knew the cause. I took away his precious son. I turned Logan gay, though this wasn't exactly a fault on my side. I diverted Logan from his dream. I brought Logan away from him to L.A. It was quite logical for him to hate me.

No, Logan, I wouldn't hurt your father's feelings anymore, I had promised. I made the big decision. We broke up, until Logan managed to change his father's stubborn mind, because he was the only one who could. Time and love changed everything. I believed in it.

I told Kendall what happened and for the first time, I was showing my vulnerable side to him. I cried on the phone. Embarrassing, but I couldn't help it. Kendall was always a best friend to hang out and do fun stuffs with. He had cleverly crazy mind that worked well in planning. I never knew he could be a comforting friend. But he was. I hung out at his place more often. Katie and Mrs. Knight were nice too towards me, so I guess I was gonna be okay.

I delivered his things from my car's baggage and some that were left in 2J (which had become Carlos's own apartment) on the next two days. It was painful to see him sad, but there was no other way. I kissed him goodbye and walked away from his house, never expected that it would be the last time I looked straight into those adorable chocolate eyes.

Logan disappeared. With Kendall, I had tried to watch his house, gone waiting for him to come out of those closed doors. But he never did. His mother and maids did, showing that the Mitchells weren't moving or anything. It was only Logan who's suddenly gone. What did his father do? I worried. Hours of waiting resulted nothing, so dejectedly I went back to Knights' home.

A year later I started my acting career. I had always known I got the potential. My face was pretty much in. And acting recently didn't seem hard to do. I played in small movies not get be famous or rich, only to fill my free time and practise my acting. I needed to learn how to fake a smile. I needed to learn to conceal my emotions. Because my upset self would cause burden to Knights. I didn't need them everyday asking me if I was okay.

I could almost over Logan. By almost I meant I could finally have some hours of a day not thinking about where he might be. But I still held high my hope, my wish that Logan would one day call me, telling that Mr. Mitchell had let us married.

Years went by, things happened, but I didn't really feel it because none of it mattered. Until every inch of my world crashed that day.

Carlos and his pregnant wife visited us for holiday. I realized that the last time I really met them was when they got married. It had been what, almost three years! I wasn't being a good friend at all. Carlos understood my pain losing Logan, but it shouldn't be good a reason, right? I made it up by accompanying them around. Kendall was too busy with his sport life after all, because he wanted to get his mind off Jo. And Katie was busy studying for her final exam in her high school. When Jennifer suddenly fell bleeding on the floor, I was the one who drove her to hospital in panic. When the doctors told us how bad her condition was, I stayed with Carlos to cheer him up. Everyday we slept in the hospital, Carlos on the chair next to his wife's bed and I took the couch. Kendall and Katie in turn came to comfort him too.

One day when both Kendall and Katie were present, I excused myself to get some food in cafeteria downstairs. Been staying at hospital for a week, I decided I needed some fresh air. Ah, wish Logan was here to accompany me... Wait, was that Mr. Mitchell I just saw? On wheelchair?

It was. I could never forget that normal-built old man who destroyed my happy dream with Logan four years ago. But wheelchair? What had happened? I gathered my courage to come to him asking how Logan was doing. It didn't matter if he still looked at me with hatred-filled eyes, as long as I got to know that Logan was okay, I would feel relieved.

He was heading to ICU. I suddenly got bad feeling.

Through glass, I saw the most heartbreaking view I had ever seen. There was Logan, lying motionlessly with cables and machines supporting his life. For a moment I couldn't move. Even after Mr. Mitchell went away, I didn't dare coming closer to get a better look of how awful my love's condition was. Because by far it didn't take a genius to notice that the man there was dying. Tears had wetted my face though I didn't realize when the first drop fell. God, I thought my heart was going to stop by the sight alone.

A nameless doctor came to me asking if I was okay. I didn't realize either that I was on the floor, breaking down. "Is that Logan Mitchell? What happened to him?" I asked the doctor instantly.

"He's registered as Hortence Mitchell, though I recognize him as Logan Mitchell from that band BTR. Aren't you James Diamond from the band too?"

"Yes, Hortence is his name. What happened to him?" My voice raised, uncaring of anything else, uncaring to answer those stupid questions. Why would this stupid doctor ask if he knew already?

"Accident. Pretty bad accident..."

Hearing his next explanation made me cry even harder. Moreover when the doctor kept telling how the other doctors were giving up and only a miracle could bring him back to his best condition again. He said without those machines, Logan was practically dead at that moment.

Breathing suddenly became the hardest thing to do. Logan... What did I do to feel this pain? Why wouldn't God just let me be happy with the one I love? My world was crashing down on me. To think I would never see his warm gaze, hear his adorable voice declaring his love, make him smile and laugh beside me, hug his perfect body and kiss him like he's the source of my energy, to think that my hope was crushed... I had lost my will to live. These four years of waiting were in vain. Regret started to mix up with the pain I was feeling. If only I took my chance to contact him asking how he was doing, if his father had reconsidered giving us permission, if he still loved me and I'm telling him how I always loved him... If... The word mocked me. I always hated the word when it was used for conditioning something impossible to happen. Useless. Futile. Had no point.

I was surprised that I could walk back to where Carlos, Kendall, and Katie sat. Katie quickly approached me, noticing my tears. I knew I shouldn't tell them tight now, especially knowing Carlos's worry about Jennifer, but my mouth lost its control and there, the three broke down as well. I didn't cry anymore. Expressing my emotion was as useless. And I stopped acting. Smiling became something I couldn't do anymore, even just pretending to. I refused doing anything that used to make me happy, because I felt I really didn't have the right to be happy. My love was dying, and I wouldn't let myself be happy over good hairstyle and cosmetic products; over singing, over watching movies and hockey game... I meant, how horrible boyfriend I was being if enjoyed those things when Logan couldn't anymore?

Jennifer gave birth to a baby boy. I knew that, but I only congratulated her, half-heartedly even. Apparently, she understood. I really appreciated how Carlos and Jennifer seemed to be very tolerant with me. She even cried over the bad news on Logan's behalf. It was a week later when Kendall and Katie wanted to see Logan too. At the beginning, I refused, because seeing him so vulnerable like that killed me. But I knew I couldn't be selfish. The more people praying for Logan's safety, the bigger the hope, right? Kendall and Katie kept cheering me, assuring that the doctor was stupid and miracle did exist. So I brought them to that room, only to find the bed empty. The sheets were made, and the machines weren't working anymore.

"You sure it's Logan, James? And he was here?" Kendall questioned.

I didn't answer him. Part of me hoping that I was just hallucinating last week. There was no Mr. Mitchell in wheelchair, no stupid doctor, no Logan lying there. It was just a dream. A painful dream, side effects of being parted from Logan too long.

But then I heard that doctor's annoying voice asking his colleague, "Hey, where's that Mitchell patient?"

The other equally stupid doctor answered, "Oh, you mean Hortence? He got it very bad, every doctor gave up on him. So with his parents' permission we took those machines out and he was moved yesterday."

That hope in my chest was crushed again. Katie cried beside me, and Kendall got his eyes teary too. Logan... My boyfriend had gone forever. I lost my very soul. I lost my care to the world. Nothing even mattered to me anymore, literally.

Who was to blame? Mr. Mitchell, for not letting Logan and I got married that day? Logan, for loving his father too much and make me swear I wouldn't hurt his father's feeling anymore? God, for not letting me switch places with the dying Logan so he shouldn't have died but I instead? No. It's me to blame. There were so many things I should and shouldn't have done. Maybe things would be better if... See, I almost started my endless train of 'if's.

I decided to think no more. I lived like the dead. Everyday I wondered if it would be the day when God decided that my pain was unbearable so He took my life and finally let me be with Logan forever.

Unexpectedly, Katie was there. The beautiful brown haired girl was always at my side. Kendall wasn't. He became busier with his career that he almost never came home. But her sister stayed. She was the one who made sure I ate, bathed, and lived. She would hold me at night when I let my tear dam flooded.

Suddenly, my lips were on hers.

It was not a love, not even close to what I always felt when I kissed Logan. There was no spark, no flutters in my stomach, no happiness. I didn't even understand, but I needed to keep her there. I needed her to take care of me always. I didn't want her to be mature and finally leave me alone too.

Part of me wanted someone, anyone, to grieve over me when I died. And Katie was there and I thought if I continued to kiss her, she could be that person. However, I cared for her, with every pieces of care I had left within me. Katie had always had soft spot in my heart, ever since I knew her, as if she was my baby sister too. But now I wasn't so sure. I couldn't be sure about anything anymore. The last thing I knew, I no longer had that motivation to hurt her. She didn't have to grieve for me. I decided not to die just yet. I stopped wishing to die everytime I went to sleep.

Time passed by just like day. Everyday I helped my mother with her cosmetic production, since I really had nothing to do after quitting acting. My mother knew the reason why I became so depressed, but she wouldn't bring out subjects that she knew would remind me of my pain. I loved her for being caring. And at night I often slept in Knights' home. Mrs. Knight didn't mind, though she often gave me annoying speech to move on or something like that. I hoped she knew how I could never move on. Logan had always been an important part of my life since I learned how to spell my name! And been my world since I learned how to love. It wasn't 'not easy' to move on, it was just 'impossible'. Everything I did reminded me of him. Mrs. Knight should have understood too since she was practically my second mother.

Oh, and Katie. She went to L.A. to be a model. I once told her how pretty cute she had become and told her that she could be a successful model if she gave it a try, but I didn't think she would take it seriously. She did though, and returned home only like once every three months. When she was here, she still let me kiss her. I began to wonder. Did she like me that way? I hated to break her heart, but shouldn't she know where my heart was? It was buried on the ground with Logan! Come to think of it, I realized neither of us had really gone to Logan's cemetery. None of us was ready after all. We were the worst best friends... Oh, back to Katie. I knew things were weird between us, but I refused to think much further. I let everything being just like this. I let Katie herself decided what relationship we were actually having. If she wanted this to be a dating thing, she could call me a boyfriend, but my heart would never be on her grasp. If she wanted to do nothing more than kissing, it's fine. And if she wanted to stop... I hoped she didn't. I still needed her... for unknown reason.

Again, I refused to think further and complicate things.

Everyday stayed just the same. When Katie was in L.A., I slept at my own home. My mother and father treated me as if I was not broken, and neither brought up Logan in our conversation. I was grateful they did what exactly I needed them to. Although sometimes I overheard my mother talked to my father in their room about how she felt just as much loss. If I didn't have them, Knights, and Garcias (including his new family), I probably had attempted to kill myself.

When that stupid car hit me, I thought this was it, I was going to die. I hated blood, but feeling how I was drenched in it made me sighed in relief. Yet somehow I had a feeling God was trying to ruin my hope again. My question was answered when I felt hands lifting my body from that street and I was seated in... The car smelled like Kendall's! Right, it was him who drove me to the hospital. As we reached there, I dozed off and woke up in one of the rooms.

I lost my hair. But I didn't care. I knew I used to pay a lot of attention to how I looked, but now what was the point, really, when the one I wanted to impress was no longer present.

Katie ended this weird relationship we had. It would be lying to say I wasn't affected. No matter how oblivious and dead I was, it still saddened me that even Katie didn't want me anymore. I wondered how much gorgeous that Tyler kid had become that she chose him over me. Oh, right, I wasn't gorgeous at all now, I forgot. Katie also forced me to admit one thing I hoped it was no longer true, that I would dump her right away if Logan suddenly appeared in front of me. I really, didn't understand. Why did she ask me that? Logan's dead. He's not coming back no matter how much I cried over this loss.

I was tired of hoping only to be crushed again. But I couldn't help it. Her words went straight to my head and I ended up dreaming in my nap. I dreamt of waking up beside Logan in a big bed. I dreamt of us being twenty years old, that we're just married and now living together. I dreamt that everything was just a nightmare. I dreamt of telling my husband about this whole nightmare and he comforted me telling that it's not going to happen. I dreamt of Logan's smile. I dreamt of Logan's love. Which I craved for.

And like my other hopes, this happy dream was crushed because I had to wake up. God didn't let me sleep forever, apparently. Faintly I heard Kendall's and Katie's voices, talking about something. I was just going to 'hey' them but then I decided to eavesdrop a little. The talk seemed serious, maybe if it was about my health or something? So I kept my eyes closed, faking sleeping.

"There's still a possibility that James refuses to...uh, reconcile? Cause this James isn't who you last knew. You've been too away to recognize how far James has changed."

Reconcile? What was this about?

"Stop being Logan-like, Baby Sister. You said it yourself, that James is ready to...sorry, to dump you right away if Logan comes back."

My heart beat a little faster when the name was mentioned. If Logan comes back? What's with first conditional? If Logan were here sure he would correct his grammar mistake, stupid Kendall...

"Yeah but we were using second conditional, as it was impossible to happen. I don't know how he will react if it turns out to be a fact."

I opened my eyes instantly. What did she just say? I was ready to ask for confirmations, that perhaps I misheard something here, but they continued to talk I'd just continue to listen.

"And don't be sorry. It's the rightest thing. James has to dump me and come to whom he belongs with."

"... So, what if James reacted the way we wouldn't want him to?"

"I'd feel bad for Logan. He told me not to tell him if James refused to accept him back. But I did drag him here so... I don't know. It will break everyone's heart."

Logan was here? Oh God... please tell me it's not another of Your cruel sense of humour. Don't crash my hope again... I felt my eyes teary. I was awake, wasn't I? Not dreaming of waking up or something like that again? This was real?

Someone had to explain what was going on. Otherwise I would go crazy. Or perhaps I was indeed crazy because I believed someone dead could come back to live. Yeah. Then Kendall and Katie were loons to.

"Kendall!"

I stopped dazing off and looked at the siblings again. Katie was looking at me in horror. Kendall was no different. I assumed they weren't meant to tell me about Logan? WHY? The tears in my eyes dropped at the thought. The two should understand better than anyone if Logan was here, in any way possible, I was the one who had to know right away!

"J-James, how much did you hear us talking?" Katie scooted closer to me, asking such a rhetorical question. I knew my expression already showed her that I had heard enough what I needed to hear, unless she thought I was that stupid not to understand.

In fact, I didn't understand though. I didn't understand what 'Katie dragging Logan here' meant. Logan really became a ghost and she could see him? Logan got raised back to life like a zombie? Logan never died? I frowned at my last guest. In fact, I never saw him dead, didn't I? True, but how could you explain someone so badly injured, whose life depending on machines, with all the doctors giving up, suddenly got cured only a week after? Did miracle really happen? Somebody needed to explain this to me!

Sighing, she asked again, "Your words were true, right? If Logan comes, you'll accept him back in your life? You still love him and you're going to admit it, right?"

It's true... It's true! Logan was ALIVE!

I wanted to scream "Just bring Logan here now!" but in the same time I felt scared, like... really scared. A train of 'what if's flooded my mind, I couldn't stop it this time. What if things changed? What if the feelings changed? What if Logan changed? Because I indeed changed.

What if Logan didn't love me anymore, and he last met me because he felt burden meeting me? What if he wasn't the same Logan I remembered, the Logan I had fallen in love with? What if if he still loved me, I actually didn't feel the same anymore, that it's me who couldn't accept him? What if I had to break his heart, resulted him away from me forever? What if ...Katie! Oh my God what if he found out what I did with Katie?

My thoughts terrified me. I wouldn't be able to stand the fact that something's changing. Six years... It had been six fucking years. I had failed to recognize my own feelings.

"What happened? What exactly happened?" My voice shook as I asked her.

Katie explained shortly, just where Logan had been all this time, the accident, how he was used as medical practice, how she met Logan again, and that he was now outside. My mind took her words in very slow process. Now I did understand. Everything.

Except, to figure my feelings out, I needed to see him.

The door opened, revealing Kendall, who actually had gone out of the room without my notice. "James, Logan's coming in, alright?"

The fear crept on me again, but I nodded. I just had to see Logan or else I wouldn't even bring myself to believe all of this. Katie walked towards her brother and went out with him.

And finally, I got to see him again.

I saw the same fear in his eyes, those chocolate coloured eyes which I had always adored. They had that familiar warm gaze which I so longed to hold again. The brown short hair now fell down instead of spiky. His built didn't really change. The skin was still pale. And those lips slowly forming that usual crook smile of his, revealing his dimples. God, I missed him. If I hadn't been infused, I would have run into him and given him bone crushing hug right aw―didn't have to.

Logan came closer and wrapped his arms around my shaking body. He put my head to rest on his chest, being extra careful not to hurt my bandaged head. My eyelids felt heavy as he provided too much comfort. I sighed in contentment, and I knew I was crying because one hand was removed to wipe my cheeks with his thumb. Suddenly, my world had its shine again and everything felt perfect.

But... My feelings weren't like that sparkling fireworks I used to feel when I hugged him. What I felt now was only like I finally found what I had been looking for, what I had been missing. I felt so complete, that I would surely die if Logan went gone again. It was so much different.

What is this I'm feeling? Is this not a love anymore? I cringed at the thought. I couldn't bear the fact that I was not in love with Logan anymore. It felt so wonderful to love him, felt so happy to. I had forgotten how it's like because I was forced to accept the fact that he's dead, but now, now that he's very much alive and hugging me, I wanted to love him again, so bad!

My grip on his hips tightened as I cried harder. Logan noticed this but he didn't budge. We stayed like this for what seemed forever but in spite of it I still whimpered at the loss when Logan pulled back. "So, James, how are you?"

I almost chuckled at his lame choice of first-sentence-to-say-after-parting-with-your-boyfriend-for-six-years. Almost. I wouldn't reply him sarcastically though, I didn't want to make him feel bad; so I replied as lamely, "I'm fine, thank you."

Logan grinned for me. "Really? You have no hair."

"Does it matter to you?"

"Well it mattered to you."

"It used to matter."

"Right... You've changed. I've changed. Everyone has too. It scares me."

It scared me too. And did our love change, Logan, tell me! The grin on his face faltered as he stared down at me. My eyes widened. Did I just...ask that out loud?

"James... I―I don't know. Something's different. Honestly, my heart isn't beating like crazy and I no longer need to kiss you all the time like I used to everytime you're around."

I couldn't believe I wanted to cry knowing our feelings were mutual. Oh, I did, out of happiness when Logan said he loved me too years ago. But this time, out of misery knowing this wasn't a love anymore.

"Katie said you're no longer the same James I knew. Your character's changed. You speak very few. And you have no hair, though it really didn't matter to me. But I believed I would always be in love with you no matter what. Yet here, I don't understand. I should have felt things I used to feel. But I don't. I only feel like... finally, I get to see you again. It's been so long, James, so long..."

It's my turn to wipe the dropping tears on Logan's cheek. My heart dropped at what he said. Even Logan, the smartest person I'd ever known, couldn't define these weird feelings. "Really, Logan? Cause the feeling is mutual..."

There was a hint of sadness too in his composure. "But I want to hug you again, though. I feel like it's my place there, around you. Or in your arms instead?"

I pulled him closer as he sat down on the chair beside my bed. This was my place. And this was where he should always be. I didn't care if this wasn't love, I just couldn't let him go anymore. "Cause the world stops when I put my arms around you, around you, oh..."

This was the first time in the last two years that I sang. My voice hoarsened, I hated it, but Logan seemed care less about it. "And nothing even matters, oh, and nothing even matters." He continued, with also deeper voice but not as horrible as mine.

I closed my eyes, agreeing. Right. Nothing even mattered as long as I had Logan in my arms.

-End of Chapter 10-

A/N: Yep, end of Ch 10. I bet you all go wtf right now? xD So if it's not love, then what is that they're feeling? Find out in Ch 11 :p