Grissom - All that your love can bring
He couldn't tell how long he had stood there, his eyes fixed on the elevator as it climbed the floors to Sara's room. He knew he had no right to feel like this, he knew he had been out of line bringing up her private business and a time in her life she had been particularly embarrassed about. Something inside him just saw red when he saw her with Rob, something inside him told him it was wrong for her to be with another man, in his foolish mind, deep down in the darkest recesses of his heart he had honestly ,genuinely believed that they were meant to be together. It didn't seem to matter how much he denied it or how much he tried to bury it, he was madly in love with that woman and like it or not all he had done for the past 5 years is push her away.
He ordered a drink from the barman without looking up and slumped onto her stool. His mind was reeling with images of Sara and Rob. He couldn't shake it, he was tormented by thoughts of what was transpiring in that bedroom above him. Robert's hands caressing her milky skin, looking into her deep, dark eyes and kissing her soft, sensual lips. He couldn't bear it, choking back another drink he allowed the liquid to slide slowly down his throat, burning as it went. It was a distraction if nothing else, in that second of pain he wasn't concentrating on the other pain he was feeling, a pain that would take a lot longer to subside.
He nodded to the barman again, perhaps hypocritical of him to be propping up the bar and drowning his sorrow's when he was so quick to jump down her throat for doing the same thing. he had a lot of ground to cover if he was ever going to recover any of their relationship.
He often wondered if he would ever get to hold her in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, maybe if things had been different it would be better for them. They would have seen past all the differences, ignored all the reason's they couldn't be together and he would have took that step, all those years ago in San Francisco when things had been easy.
The bar had emptied in the time he had been pondering this particular puzzle, he was waiting on his brain to conjour up an epiphany but his brain was as muddied as the drink in his glass. His conscience pulled him in different directions and he didn't know whether to listen to the whisper telling him to let her go or the scream telling him to fight for her.
"I gotta close up pal, can I hit you with another one before I go?"
He looked up at the young man for the first time, he had pity in his eyes for the poor broken old man propping up the bar and staring into his brandy. He sighed and nodded heavily, nursing his drink as though it was the elixir of life. If only the answer to his problems really were at the bottom of his glass. He peered into the brown liquid sighing at the realization that he had emptied yet another glass without clarifying his problem never mind finding a solution.
The barman slid another drink under his nose with an understanding nod as he swept his cloth over the rest of the bar. The quiet hum of music gave way to silence which only emphasized the emptiness he felt. She had once accused him of not feeling anything, at the time she couldn't have been more wrong. How ironic that now she was right, now when he really should be feeling some really strong emotions; anger, jealousy, humiliation, rejection, fear, love… now he was empty. Now she had taken it away there was no need for him to feel those emotions, he had built his walls so high that even he couldn't get around them.
With one last meaningful sigh he tipped the glass back, emptying its contents into his throat and shaking off the burning. He dug around in his pocket for a note, he didn't care what one. Throwing it onto the counter with a nod towards the barman he heaved himself from his stool and stared once again at the elevator doors. He couldn't bring himself to step through those doors just yet, he wandered outside and breathed in the cold, fresh air.
It hit him like a ton of bricks, the darkness of the night, the crisp cold air stinging his eyes, the stars twinkling in the clear sky and all of a sudden he wasn't empty anymore. As he walked around the streets of Ely with no idea where he was going the cloak of fear was slowly beginning to lift and a slow realization was dawning on him. Much like the sun as it fought to peer over the horizon his decision was slow to form, it didn't hit him all at once as he had expected.
His feet beat out a rhythm on the sidewalk and that was the only sound. There were no ringing casino's and rowdy crowds, there was no music filtering from strip joints where the less than savoury patrons tried to score that elusive access to the 'back room'. The streets were quiet, empty and tranquil. Normally it would have felt like a sanctuary, a place where he could roam the streets and clear his head in peace and quiet with only nature as a distraction, tonight was different. tonight he needed distraction, otherwise his mind kept returning to the one thing he didn't want to think about right now, the one thing he spent a high proportion of his time thinking about.
He may not have liked it but thinking about Sara was all he seemed able to do right now. As he turned yet another non-descript corner and wandered down another tree lined street he began to ponder how their life might have been had they succumbed to their emotions all those years ago. He gazed at the houses lining the street, wondering if they would be living in a house like that had they made different decisions. Maybe they would have the usual 2.4 children and the big hairy dog bounding about the yard chasing squirrels. He thought about waking up beside her, her long legs stretched out against his, her hair a mess of curls, her lips parted ever so slightly as her breath escaped between them to brush his eyelashes like a fresh morning breeze.
There was something so simple yet so endearing about the scene. He realized that in truth he didn't want a big romance from her, all he wanted was to wake up beside her.
It wasn't quite the epiphany he was waiting for but it was enough to spur him to turn on his heel and head for the hotel. He had to speak to her while he was sure, while the image was fresh in his head and the alcohol still spun through his veins. If he didn't take another chance for the rest of his life it didn't matter as long as he took this one. In the elevator his legs were restless, his hands tapped nervously against the brass railings. He didn't dare think about what he would see or how she would react. His heart was leading the way for once, he had left his head in the brandy glass.