2200 Hours
March 20, 2014
Somewhere in Iran

A column of M1A2 Abrams tanks rolled across the Iranian desert, their powerful diesel engines propelling them forwards at a speed of roughly 40 kilometers per hour. The tanks threw up so much dust that it billowed and roiled into a miniature dust storm that extended several kilometers behind them.

"This is War Pig to Homestead. We are approaching the nuclear plant." The signal was relayed by an MQ-1 Predator drone.

"Copied, War Pig. All other units are underway."

The M1A2's crested a hill overlooking the Iranian nuclear plant. Only, there was no nuclear plant, only a gaping hole in the earth.

"Uhh... Homestead, please confirm coordinates. There is no nuclear plant. Repeat, there is no nuclear plant."

"Uh. Satellite flyover confirms. Holy shit."

The implications were disturbing. Two hypotheses as to the disappearance of the nuclear plant were being thrown around. One was that the Iranians had developed cloaking technology advanced enough to completely disguise the plant from every sensor available to NATO and Warsaw Pact. The other was that the plant had just simply disappeared. Each was just as likely to be the truth.

5-star General Lee Williams was at the forefront of this problem. The world's most advanced military force was being played for fools by Iranian propaganda. He pored through satellite imagery, drone cams, even helmet recorders, and they all showed the same thing. Three hours in, the plant was there. Three hours and a second, and there was an impossibly bright flash of light accompanied by a haze of static, a second after that and the plant was gone.

"Intel from other nations confirms that the plant has indeed disappeared." A messenger said.

If this hadn't been a wartime situation, General Williams would have been quite happy about finding that things could possibly teleport. Sadly, it was a disaster of international proportions.

"So that means that the plant disappeared. Call the heads of state!"

"It looks like..." the messenger said, "We're Russian into hell."

General Williams groaned.

"So I was like 'Hey man. Iraq my brains trying to write, Kenya go Russian over to the store to get us some food?' and then he came over and was like, 'Iran all the way here and all you ask is food? What's wrong with you? I only had fifty bucks! You really should go Czech the prices!'"

Sarah and Nika laughed, having remembered the International Disaster quite vividly.

"I don't get it!" Finn whined.

"We were using the names of countries in place of words, Finn." Sarah smiled gently at him.

"There was a lot of war in our time..." Nika stared off into the horizon, suddenly not feeling so happy, "Not just small ones. Millions died for nothing. Iraq, Iran, Kenya, those were the names of the countries we destroyed in the name of Oil."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, "A folded flag, a purple heart! A family all but torn apart! I fought with courage to preserve, not my way of life but yours!" She sang, "Carry on, don't mind me. All I gave yet you ask me for more. I fought your fight, bought your life, and in return I lost my life. What purpose does this serve?"

She opened them again, taking in the marvelous scenery just outside Princess Bubblegum's window. She saw the princess look at her sadly. She knew what she was thinking, that they were a culture so steeped in war that it was a part of daily life. Nika sighed softly. It was a crapsack world, but it was familiar. It was home.

"Yo guys." Jake said, "Stop that, it's really bumming me out."

Princess Bubblegum remembered what Alex had told her about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, about how tens of thousands were utterly vaporized by the blast of just one 'nuke'. He then quoted an urban legend about a 'downed fighter pilot', about how he had said to his captors that those two were just 'one of the small ones' and that 'they had a thousand more that were twice as big'. The handheld computer that he carried with him held some information on those bombs. She had borrowed it and was horrified to learn that some of the largest were fifty times as powerful as the original two.

She no longer wondered why Ooo was the way it was. She pulled away from those sad thoughts and looked towards the Candy Kingdom. Surely it was all over now. She had seen light in the dark however. Sarah had told her about a worldwide network of computers, where anyone and everyone could share ideas and information. She had heard of science and technology developing so fast that by the time products based upon them reached production, they had already become obsolete.

The Princess told herself that no matter what, Total War will never come to Ooo.

"Alex. May I borrow your laptop?"

"Sure, lemme just check the battery."

He extracted the thing from his backpack and opened it. The screen flared to life, still quite easy to read despite the afternoon sun.

"Here you go, my lady."

She double clicked the 'Angry Birds: Warzone' icon. That game was really quite addictive!

Alex gave Nika's snail-in-a-jar a distrustful look. There was something disturbing about it. Rather, more disturbing. There was an emptiness in its eyes. The snail stared back. Marceline said that there was something weird about it, something Eldritch. Alex averted his eyes and resumed his study of the chord sheet in front of him.

"Hey Marceline?"

"What?"

"I just realized that G-sus is the holiest chord."

Marceline laughed, "I haven't heard that once since forever!"

"When did Jesus die out anyway?"

"Around seven hundred years ago." Marceline shrugged, "It wasn't really a big deal though, I had a lot of stuff to worry about."

A bright flash caught their attention. Sarah was snapping photographs of them with her digicam.

"You two are so sweet together!"

"We are not!" Marceline objected, "We're not 'sweet together'!"

"Did I ever tell you that Alex over here has a thing for vampires?"

Alex rolled his eyes, "At least I have class! Unlike you and your sparkle fairies!"

Nika mouthed, "Don't mind them. They always argue like this."

Princess Bubblegum burst into the room. She had been flying at a high speed by the looks of it, and tears were threatening to fall out of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" She blubbered, all of her regular poise and composure gone, "The device! It's missing!"

"What?" Alex shot up, knocking over the stand in front of him, "How?"

He sputtered, "I'm sorry, my lady. What happened?"

Marceline stared at the smoking ruins of Princess Bubblegum's tower. It was as if some angry deity had just simply swept it aside. One of the Guardians lay sprawled across the ground, shattered into so many pieces as its brother wept. She felt the traces of powerful magic lingering in the area. It was evil, the same sort of evil she felt in the snail that Nika had befriended.

"Finn." She said, "There are only two words for this: like what?"

The fourteen year old adventurer stood beside her, staring at the ruined tower's base.

"Hey guys!" A giant Jake called out, "Over here! I found a survivor!"

Marceline floated over as he unearthed a piñata.

"The Lich!" Manfried coughed, "He's back! He's back!"

"The Lich King?" Finn exclaimed, "I thought we defeated him!"

"Nay... he has stolen another body."

Gears began to spin in Marceline's head as she pieced the pieces of the puzzle together. Something clicked.

"Nika! The snail!"

"What?" Nika's eyes went wide, "It's harmless! I swear!"

"No it isn't! Look, we don't have time for this!"

A rasping sound cleaved through the air as Finn slid his sword from its scabbard, "Prepare to feel pain!" He cried.

"Finn!" Princess Bubblegum stretched out a hand to stop him, "No!"

The sword arced towards the snail. The glass protecting it shattered. A lance of energy burst into the air and slammed into Finn. He screamed as the was thrown several meters into the air. He smashed into the ground, flipping head-over-heels until he came to a rest a good dozen meters away from his original position.

"Finn!" Everyone cried.

Marceline rushed over to help her friend. She glanced back at the shattered jar, but the snail was gone.

"Is he alright?" Princess Bubblegum loomed over him, tears once again streaming from her eyes, "Please tell me he's alright!"

"C'mon, buddy! Wake up! Wake up!" Jake knelt beside his best friend.

Finn's eyes slowly cracked open. He coughed, a little blood dripping down his mouth, "I'm not going down without a fight."

The boy's fist clenched.

A/N: How do you guys like it? Please review so I can make this story as awesome as possible. I'm sorry if it's too serious for you guys, I'll put in some lighthearted stuff once in a while.