Special thanks to CeruleanKitten AvengedBaby RainbowShelby! Here we go another chappie yay! I really like doing this!
I own Sophie and a new character introduced here with a borrowed name :) Enjoy 3
Chapter 5: the Best Little Chapel Hydepark jewelers and Alan's virginity.
Phil pulled the cop car up to a small Kiosk with maps. Letting Stu out, Sophie sat legs crossed on the hood of the car with Phil leaning against it next to her. Alan stayed inside with the baby.
"Hey Sophie..." She stared down the strip at the people going to and from in their morning
"What Phil."
"can we talk about well...the way we woke up" Sophie sighed
"What is there to talk about? We don't remember what happened. We were roofied..."
"Doesn't matter what we can't remember. It matters that we know we at least did it once...i mean come on Beaner we woke up with me inside you. We apparently got married. For what its worth, im sorry. i don't know how to handle this." Sophie smiled to herself
"You handled it just fine when it happened with Beth." She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. Phil's mouth hung open. Before he could answer Stu came over to them.
"Got the directions! Um...you guys cool?" Sophie wiped her eyes real quick and climbed in the back seat of the cop car. Stu looked at Phil with his head cocked to the side.
"What did you do know?" Phil got off the car.
"Don't worry about it. Lets just find the fucking chapel."He got in the drivers side and started the car.
After long minutes of silence, and the faint sounds of Sophie's ipod, Alan broke the ice
he started out humming then sang out loud.
"I was riding top down with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. ne ne na na ne it was a fairy tale..." He patted his legs to the off beat in his head. Phil and Stu slowly turned around and looked at him.
"You belong with mee-ee-eeee with the tear drops on my guitar!" Stu raised an eyebrow.
"Alan seriously? What the fuck?" Stu shook his head and turned around. Phil sped up and turned into the chapel parking lot.
"What about the baby?" Alan asked getting out. Sophie looked in at "Carlos" She shrugged.
"Leave him in the car." Phil nodded
"We're gonna be five minutes its fine!"
"Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car!" Stu whined.
"He'll be fine. I cracked the window!" Phil walked towards the chapel
"Stu come on it's fine lets just figure this shit out." Sophie said. Alan patted her on the shoulder.
"Yeah lets go find out about our wedding." Sophie slowly turned to him
"Move! now!" He quickly moved back. She shook her head and walked inside.
"What if they don't remember us?" Stu asked walking in to the parlor
"Well, let's just find out." Phil said looking around. They spotted an Greek looking man and woman working on the altar.
"I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi." The man turned around excited and laughing.
"Look at these guys! What happened? You miss me? You miss Eddie? You want more from me? How are you, my friend? Ah! Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy!" He grabbed alan's beard. he then laughed and came to sophie arms outstretched.
"AH! my spicy quesadilla! how are you you crazy bitch!" He hugged her and pinched her ass. She squealed and pulled her hand pack to hit him. Phil grabbed her right hook. Eddy laughed and faked a block.
"Ahhahaha! Float like butterlfy no? ha HA! crazy Bitch!"
"Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life, man." He pointed at Stu the group looked at him amazed.
"This guy?" Phil pointed to him laughing.
"This guy is out of his mind! What's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?" He hugged stu. Stu just stood there.
"I thought he was gonna eat my dick." they all stared at him unsure how to react.
"What happened? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?" He shifted his gaze between the four.
"No, no. It's not that, Eddie. Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time remembering...what happened here last night." Stu said a little nervous.
"Yeah, was there a wedding here? Do you do weddings here? Was it mine?" Alan asked. Sophie scoffed.
"You are cracking my balls, man." he said laughing. Phil spoke up.
"Obviously we were here. We're looking for our friend Doug. Do you remember?"
"Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey."
"Yeah. You saw him?" Stu said excited.
"Of course." Eddy said still laughing.
"Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?" Stu asked.
"You don't remember nothing? not even both your weddings?" He looked at sophie, Phil, and Stu. Stu's eyes widened.
"B-both?" Eddy took them over to he counter where he laid out two photo albums. They opened up the first one to show stu and a woman in a cowboy hat. Stu moaned as Alan looked at the photo smiling.
"Congratulations, Stu, you got married!" Stu continued to moan as he looked through the photos of him and the mysterious woman.
"This...This can't be happening!" He flipped to a photo with the five of them and the woman, Sophie was wearing a matching cowboy hat and a blue dress with the woman as the guys wore blue tuxedos. Stu had his hand on the woman's boob as Sophie grabbed Phil's crotch.
"Oh, God. Look at that!" Stu said turning from it. Sophie groaned and buried her head in her hands. she could only imagine what her own wedding looked like. Phil took the album and flipped though some more.
"I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man." He looked at a photo of Stu completely cheesing with the woman on his back. Stu walked in circles.
"That's it. My life is over!" He cried Phil turned to look at him.
"Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens. Come on. Melissa's not gonna know anything about this. This never happened. I'll take care of it."
"Oh really. Okay phil, lets look at ours!" Sophie said slamming the book down in front of phil. He hesitated than opened it. He immediately put his fist to his mouth to try to hide his own moan of shock.
This time the phil was in his black suit and Sophie was wearing a dime-store bought wedding veil and a costume Marilyn monroe white dress. Her hair was already blonde and her and phil were all over each other. He flipped it to the next photo. The guys were in the blue tuxedos and the woman was there in a plain blue dress. Phil and Sophie were smiling mouths wide open as stu and doug laughed. Alan was genuinely upset as he stared Phil down.
"Wow...um they're not that bad..." He flipped to the next photo. Phil had Sophie up around his waist and he was leaning his pelvis into her. Sophie had her mouth wide open as if she was screaming with her hands in the air. She raised an eyebrow and shot him a look.
"Not that bad huh? That'll be great to show the grand kids!" She growled turning away. Phil smirked.
"Grand kids? Oh i like that." She glared at him.
"Oh don't even entertain the idea for even a second shitdick."
"Come on. Put it here." they looked up to see eddy's woman come out with two large boxes.
"Hey, what's all that?" Alan asked getting excited. She opened it and eddy began showing it off.
"The High Roller package. It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs. You have baseball caps, huh? And fancy calendars, all with pictures of Stu and Jade." Alan took the baseball hat.
"Her name's Jade?" Phil asked smiling. it sounded hot to him.
"Yeah, and she's beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that." He motioned to how large her tits were.
"But that's because she had a baby." Phil gave a small sigh of relief as Stu continued to pace.
"That explains the baby." Alan looked up
"Oh, Carlos. Carlos!" Sophie looked in the other box.
"None of Phil and I?" Eddy shrugged.
"Ah phil pay so much for ring you didnt want the package." phil and sophie looked at each other.
"Wha-How much did i pay for the ring?" Phil asked, hoping eddy would know.
"Ah, i dont know man. You got it at Hydepark jewelry around the corner." Sophie looked out the window for the jewelry shop. she spotted it and widened her eyes. it looked high up. She turned when she head phil speak.
"Great. All right. Uh, here's the deal. We made a mistake last night. We need these marriages annulled. You do annulments?" Sophie looked at phil, her mouth hung open a bit. Eddy nodded.
"Of course I do. It breaks my heart and gonna make me sad...but it's no problem.
Good price for both of you. I can do you two now, but him? I can't do it with just him, though. I need the chick. I need both parties." Phil shook his head in agreement.
"Oh, not a problem. That's great. Isn't that great, Stu?" Stu paced more.
"Come on, buddy. She probably knows where Doug is." Stu finally stopped
"Awesome." he said going back to his pacing. Phil looked down at sophie finally seeing her look of bewilderment and pain.
"What? Come on we get a quickie divorce, return the ring, and go find out if the chick knows where doug is okay?" Sophie shook her head than smacked phil as hard as she could. it echoed through the tiny chapel. no one said a word as Phil stared at her his mouth the shape of an O. Sophie stormed out of the building.
"Wow...okay we need her address. She filled out some paperwork, right?"
"Of course."
"Stu get her information im going to see what the fuck is wrong with her." Phil said rubbing his cheek. Stu nodded and phil took off. Eddy looked to his woman filing her nails.
"Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter with you? Go and get the paperwork, man. I spend my life waiting for you. Come on. And get the baklava, please!"
Phil came out of the chapel to see sophie sitting on the bench out front her head completely down to her knees.
"What the fuck is the matter with you! Why the hell did you do that? What you want to be married to me?" She looked up at him.
"Maybe i do..." He cocked his head back and knitted his eyebrows.
"You hate me! you loath my ver existence most of the time. Why the hell would you want to stay married!"
"I dont know phil! I mean maybe we can try what we started all those years ago and if it doesnt work than we can get a divorce in like a month 2 months." Phil shot her a look.
"You mean if you don't love me. Cause i gotta say Soph thats fucked up! You'd have me spend 2 months married to the girl of my fucking dreams since grade school, then in 2 months if she doesnt seem to love me put me through the same shit Beth is now!" Sophie stood up.
"What? Girl of your dreams? Phil you serious?" He looked into the distance then back at her.
"Sophie. I love you. I always have. That night we spent together on your prom was amazing. that night we made out in my dorm was incredible. every second with you is ridiculous. I can't help myself around you. And that night in college for a second i thought you felt the same. but i guess i was just a rebound." She shook her head.
"Phil i always...liked you. But when you knocked up Beth in college, then had to marry her and raise the kid after graduation...i thought, "Holy shit! That could have been me!" when we made love prom night...and you had to leave that morning to pick up your kid...i told myself that i shouldn't fall in love with you. You and Beth were living in Hell. What if that was us? You were my best friend since the day the billings brought me home from Guadalajara. we've been friends for 13 years phil. I couldn't ruin that. even though your marriage was shit...i couldn't ruin that either...you have a 6 year old son. how could i handle that responsibility so young?" Phil thought a moment.
"Oh come on we could have gotten through all of that! I did! The kid's fine! Beth doesnt wanna be married to me! what the fuck soph what more do you want!"
"I want you and me to be friends! I want life to be normal again! Not fucking 8..9..10 times in one goddamn night and getting married right after your divorced ON A NIGHT WE DONT EVEN REMEMBER!" She was starting to get heated.
"You always liked me...but never loved me...what about now? you want to stay married? okay we will. You wanna have sex and remember it okay we will! do you want that or not cause your starting to confuse me! What? Huh! What the fuck do you want sophie! what do you feel now that you want to stay married!" A tear fell from her eye.
"I...I don't know yet! Curiosity i guess!" Phil shook his head then grabbed her Shoulders clearly pissed.
"Curiosity huh? Well i guess i gotta try my damnedest to make you fall for me then. Kinda hard when your a humorless ice queen!"
"That includes not being a total asshole!"she shot back.
"Well thats kinda hard seeing that you're a total bitch 99.9% of the time!" She pushed him away
"Dick!" Phil grabbed her hands and pulled her in to kiss her. Sophie smacked him again then turned away. Stu and alan came out. they all started walking away.
"Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?"Alan asked worried.
"I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back." Phil said as they put the boxes in the trunk.
"Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it." Stu said. Sophie raised her hand.
"I second that." Phil looked both of them then just at Stu.
"Torch it? Who are you?" Stu shook his head.
"I don't know, Phil. Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely FUCKED! These mugs! This hat! This car!" he took alan's hat off and threw it on the ground along with a mug.
"Hey!"
"It's all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we're torching all of it."
"Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a cop car." Sophie narrowed her eyes at him
"A family huhh? You afraid your precious Beth will be mad? Pedazo de Caca! Vete a la verga culero!"
"Da fuck did you just say to me?" She flicked him off and got in the back of the car.
"Chinga usted, Besa mi culo, puto!" they hear her yell.
"Im so tired of your senorita princess BULL SHIT!" He yelled back. They saw her put her headphones in.
"Im not torching the car." Phil said turning back to Stu.
"Fine. I'll do it." Stu said.
"Can I help?" Alan asked quickly.
"Yeah, thanks." As soon as Stu spoke a phone rang. They all frantically checked theor pockets as alan stood there without a phone to check for.
"Is it Doug? It's Doug, it's Doug!" Phil said frantically. Stu groaned.
"Uhg, it's Melissa!" Phil Shook his head.
"Don't answer it." He said slamming the trunk gaining a look from Sophie inside.
"I have to. She's called twice already!" Stu yelled. Alan grabbed on to phil
"Can I ride shotgun since sophie called you mean things in mexican?"
"Don't touch me!" Phil said pushing Alan away. He got in the car, giving sophie a frustrated look in the rearview.
Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
I know. The reception up here's crazy.
I think it's all the sequoia trees, block the signal.
Ah, it was really fun, actually. It was quiet, but it was a good time. Sorry about Sophie.
Yeah she was hammered. threw up everywhere! even in her own purse
Yeah it was really embarrassing!
Well, I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids." Alan waved at the baby between sophie and stu.
"Hi! lt'd be so cool if I could breast-feed. you know?" He said turning back to Phil. Phil gave him a WTF face.
"Well, listen...we're about to go for a tractor ride. I should get going. So pretty." A orange Eclipse came flying up the road into the parking lot and blocked them from getting out.
"What the fuck?" Phil said looking out the rearview. Sophie removed her headphones and looked too. two men got out, one with a baseball bat.
"Da' Fuck?" She said panicking.
"Go, out of the car!" the smaked the car with the bat and pointed it at phil
"They started up the tractor. I think it backfired." Stu continued. Sophie reached for the phone
"Get the fuck off the phone!" She whispered frantically as Stu slapped her away repeatedly.
"Where the hell is he?" They yelled angrily.
"Hey, easy, easy. I think we're looking for the same guy, okay?" Phil said trying to calm down. the second guy took a lead pipe and smashed the windshield causing "Carlos" to cry.
"Hey! What the hell, man?" Phil screamed.
"FUCK YOU!" Sophie yelled.
"Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery. That's a goat...
...No! Sophie is still drunk dont worry...she's just impatient for the tractor ride!"
"Where is he?" They demanded again.
"I don't know! What are you talking about?" Phil screamed getting flustered
"Sir, can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here?" Stu said banging on the wire mesh of the car.
"I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked!" Phil yelled back at them. Sophie tried to comfort the baby as they hit the shield again.
"Oh, my God!" She yelled. The baby continued to cry.
"Hey! There's a baby on board!" Alan yelled at the guy angrily.
"Get out of the car!" The one with the bat yelled again
"It's a baby goat!" Stu assured melissa. Eddy came out of the chapel with a crowbar zipping his pants.
"Why you making trouble for my business, man? Go away from here!"
"Get out of the fucking car!" the guy with the lead pipe pulled out a gun. alan yelped.
"Phil, he's got a gun!"
"No shit he's got a gun!"
"I gotta call you back. Bye!" Stu said hanging up on melissa. Just as he did Phil shifted gears and floored it, running over the gun man's foot. He fired a shot in the air that clipped Eddy in the shoulder. He screamed out and stumbled over in pain as Phil tried to get out.
"Fuck! Shit!" Stu started Screaming.
"He shot Eddy!" Phil put the car into reverse as Sophie clung on to the roof and the baby.
"Fuck this shit!" he slammed on to the Eclipse then in to a glass bus stop and swung on to the street as Stu and Sophie screamed fuck over and over in the backseat. once they were clear Stu screamed Go! and the sped off.
"Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!" Phil said looking back.
"Who were those guys?" Alan screamed as Sophie tried to breathe. Stu comforted the baby.
"We're gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"
"I have no idea." Phil pulled around the corner. Stu's phone rang.
"Why don't you just let that go to voicemail big boy?" Sophie breathed out.
"OH Ha-ha-ha! That's a fake laugh, by the way." Stu said obnoxiously.
"Alright we gotta hide the car then walk to the jewelry place." Stu shook his head.
"Nu uh! NO! im not staying around here and geting shot! lets get the fuck out of here and find jade!" Phil swung the car behind a building adjacent to the jewelry stores back door.
"Look we'll go in the back door it'll be fine. bring the baby alan." Alan re-strapped "Carlos" onto his chest as the all went into the jewelry store. As soon as they entered, a thick black woman shouted out to them.
"OhhhHHH! Ma Baby! Come back to give mama some suga!" She looked towards Alan and the baby.
"This is your bab-" Before Sophie could finish the woman had grabbed Alan and french kissed him. Everyones mouth dropped.
"Wait...What?" Stu asked. The woman pulled back off of Alan. She looked like the nasty woman from Friday who said she looked like Janet Jackson. Her Ass was huge under a thick african print dress and her hair was a strange weave that smelled like caribbean food. Sophie laughed as she remembered the scene when smokey met "Janet Jackson" This woman was literally her twin.
"Why you dont kiss ya woman when she come ta ya!" She said putting her hands on her hips. Alan looked at the other three.
"I..uh...i never kissed a dark person before..." She laughed showing her messed up snaggletooth.
"Oh honey you did more than that! What i wasnt good enough for ya suga?" Stu, Sophie, and Phil's eyes widened.
"Oh Im sure you're a nice chocolate woman!" Alan said smiling. The woman raised an eyebrow.
"Huh? Sophie hunni, was he talkin about? how come he actin strange? An' why he got a baby! I already gits four gets an they daddies aint doin shit im not taking care a this one!" Sophie stopped for a moment to comprehend what was just said to her. she shook her head.
"Uh...im sorry i dont know your name. We were drugged last night and dont remember a thing. We...uh just came from the best little chapel and were told we bought this here before hand..." She showed the woman the ring. She started laughing loud and obnoxiiusly.
"Oh my damn! that explains a lot! haha! Well, Sophie hunni im Miss Shirley Q. Liquor!, Call me Shirley. Ah Yeah ya'll come down the street acting like damn fools yelling corn-something. I keep my store open 24 hours in case some couple wanna get hitched 'cross that street here. You came in and he asked for the most expensive ring i got in the store! So i hand you that one there plus 4 more. While ya'll two picked em out Alan here was all over Miss Shirley! Mmmhhmmm we had a nice night after i met ya'll at you're hotel! Left aroun' 6:40 after alan and i were done." Sophie did a double take as Stu asked her about doug.
"Did you see another guy with us! Doug!" She thought for a moment.
"When i came by Caea-sers, I didnt see noboody but alan. I did howeva hear you two goin at it in the next room! oh boy ya'll fucked like animals! after we finished I went to leave and ya'll took your little sex-fest to the floor! Looked like you fell asleep too! dont blame ya!" Alan stared at her.
"So you slept over with me?" Stu and Phil shook their heads as sophie corrected him.
"Alan...you had sex with her last night." She laughed loudly again
"Yessuh! And it was goooood! especially for his first time!" Phil tried to cover his laughter as Stu looked at the confused Alan.
"Alan was a virgin!" Sophie laughed out loud.
"Ha! Sexual Chocolate!" She fell over Phil laughing as Stu stared at the woman Hugging on to Alan.
"I had sex with a black?" She kissed him again.
"Yes you did! and you liked it!" She poked his nose. He chuckled.
"Oh boy!" Sophie and Phil regained themselves.
"Miss Shirley...could you tell us how much this ring cost?" Sophie asked. Mabel took it from her then looked at her case. She handed back the ring.
"Well...This is the Tacori Simply Tacori Platinum & Diamond Semi Mounting Engagement Ring...sells at 10,900 dollars." Phil gasped as he looked as if he got punched in the gut. he doubled over.
"Simply! What the fuck is simple about 11,000 dollars! aye dios mios!" Sophie cried. Phil sat up.
"Thats almost all i had left after the divorce!" He stared at the ring. Sophie thrist the ring at Shirley.
"What are you doing?" Phil asked her. Sophie looked at it confused.
"Im getting your money back..." Phil shook his head and took the ring back.
"No. You said you wanna stay married. we stay married. with the same ring. You deserve it." Sophie pulled her hand back as he went to put it on.
"No. I deserve a fucking 25cent prize ring at the nearest giant the way i treat you. no. we'll give it back and you'll have your savings back." Shirley Smiled at them.
"Hey you two how bout this. Since Ya'll are so sweet an loving, an i mean that even tho ya'll were fucked to high heavens...you still seemed to love the mess outta eachother...and since you introduced me to Alan!" She winked at him and he smiled as if he still didnt comprehend it.
"I'll give you 9,000 back. an ya'll keep the ring." They stared at her astonished.
"What! Oh no i could't let you do that! That would totally rip you off!" Shirley shook her head.
"AH hunni! I aint got no cameras..." She grabbed a baseball bat from behind the counter and smashed the glass of her jewelry case.
"Plus i got insurance. Not go on get! Ima pull the alarm and say i was robbed!" She winked.
"Blame it on the hoodlums who keep tormenting my little kitties!" They all looked at eachother scared.
"You just make sure Alan calls me like he promised! He owes me a second round!" Sophie hugged the crazy woman.
"Thank you! So much!" Shirley picked a box up from behind the counter and counted out 9,000$
"Now go on! GET!" she pressed the alarm button winking at Alan as they ran out the back door.
A/n I was a little harsh on alan :) Please review oh! and if you dont know who the chick from friday is fun vid on my page and one of who shirley q. liquor is :D thanks for the support get ready for Jade and the cops! Should i taser Sophie? Review and lemme know!