Chapter 7: Snake skins, Naked Asians, and Butt Fucking Meth heads

"Fuck those guys, you hear me? That was bullshit. I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car!" Phil glared at Sophie. As he spoke to Stu. They were waiting at impound for their Mercedes.

"They let us go, who cares?" Sophie looked straight ahead annoyed

"I care! You can't just do that. You can't just tase people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality! And you! Why the fuck would you tase Phil!" Sophie slowly looked at him.

"I didn't have a choice now, Did I!" She raised her voice at the end. Phil scoffed and shook his head.

"You had a fucking choice..." He mumbled. Sophie turned to him and narrowed her eyes at him. Before she could answer Stu spoke up.

"I'm getting a soda. Do you guys want anything?"

"No." Sophie just shook her head. Stu walked around the corner of the building.

"My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ." Sophie laughed. Phil Stood and faced her.

"Okay enough fucking around. What the HELL is your goddamn problem!"

"They told me to tase you so i tased you." She said nonchalantly

"IN THE FUCKING BALLS!" She smiled.

"Thought you may have needed it" Phil double taked

"Need-Needed it? What the fuck Sophie. You really that upset at me?" She smiled and stood up.

"Wha-" She grabbed the back of his head and played with his hair a bit.

"You know sometimes a girl just needs to get her anger out on the man she..." She stopped short and stared at him, her eyes glossy. Phil ran his fingers through her blonde hair. he half smiled

"Hmm we gotta figure out how u ended up blonde." She shifted her gaze to the side.

"We gotta figure out how this is going to work" Phil grabbed her chin and and pulled her close.

"hey im all in, your the one who keeps pulling away." She pursed her lips

"I'm scared. I dont know what could happen. I don't kno-" He cut her off with a kiss. Alan glared at them upset.

"Don't be scared. Don't worry about what could and couldn't happen. You want to stay with me, thats already the first step Beaner. I promise I'll make it work. the we'll make it work. Alright?" She nodded and he kissed her again. Sophie sat back down as Phil looked at Alan.

"Alan, you okay?" Sophie looked at him

"I'm just worried. What if something happened to Doug? Something bad." Sophie buried her head in her hands. She had almost completely forgotten about her brother.

"Come on, you can't think like that." Phil said in a comforting tone. Sophie knitted her eyebrows.

"How are we supposed to think Phil? He's not here. we have no idea where he could be."

"I mean, what if he's dead? I can't afford to lose anybody close to me again. It hurts too much.I was so upset when my grandpa died." They both looked towards Alan. Phil gave him a look of sympathy.

"Oh, I'm sorry... How'd he die?" Alan looked to him.

"World War II." Sophie raised an eyebrow confused.

"Died in battle?" Phil pressed.

"No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II." Phil and Sophie exchanged a look as Alan continued to stare ahead. Phil looked at him a moment before speaking.

"Alan...Doug is fine." Alan looked at him again

"Well, why hasn't he called?"

"I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out." Stu came back with his soda.

"I'll tell you another thing, 6-1 odds our car is beat to shit!" Sophie leaned against phil.

"Stu, not now." Phil said trying to get him to stop.

"No, how much do you wanna bet it's fucked beyond recognition?" Phil Stood up as sophie leaned forward and clenched her stomach. she felt nauseous over the situation

"That's enough. Alan's seriously worried, okay? Let's not freak him out any more." Stu looked to Alan who stared at the ground with a pained look on his face.

"Sorry, Alan. You know what? We'll search the car for clues and everything's gonna be okay." They heard someone driving up with their car.

"Oh, shit. I can't watch. Just tell me what it looks like." Phil already had his back turned as Stu shielded his eyes

"Not looking. Not looking." The guy pulled the car to a screeching stop in front of them. It was perfectly fine.

"Wow. All right." Stu said surprised

"Oh, thank God. You see? It's gonna be all right, Alan." Phil said walking towards the car. They drove off back towards the city as Alan Sophie and Stu searched the car.

"Anything?" Phil asked stealing glances at them.

"Hmm, I got a cigar." Stu said checking the floor. Sophie searched the seat cushions.

"got some glitter and condom wrappers...I can only imagine who's they are..." Phil smiled at her in the rearview mirror. Alan picked up a shoe.

"Oh, I found, uh...These are some black shoes."

"They women's shoes?" Phil asked glancing quickly.

"I don't know." He handed it to Stu.

"Whose are those?" Phil asked. Stu inspected it.

"I don't know. It's a men's size 6." Sophie took the shoe

"That's weird." Alan picked something up

"What is this, a snakeskin?" He threw it on Stu's shoulder

"Oh, come on! Ew!" Stu freaked out trying to get it off.

"That's a used condom, Alan."

"Oh, God. Blech!" He whipped it back at Alan and hit him in the face.

"Get it out of the car!" Sophie yelled pulling back far from Alan.

"Gross, it's wet!" Stu yelled Alan flicked it on Phil's shoulder who instantly jumped tying to flip it off without removing his hand from the wheel

"Hey! Come on. I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!" He swerved off the road a bit.

"Get it out!" Stu said laughing.

"Fuck!" Phil rolled down the window as he through out the condom. He swerved completely off the road and stopped in the dirt.

"All right, what the fuck, man? We gotta get this shit together, guys!" He yelled. A serious of bumps came from the trunk.

"What was that?" Alan asked. Stu's eyes widened.

"It's in the trunk. Doug's in the trunk!" he yelled as they all scrambled to get out of the car.

"Oh, fuck! Holy shit!" Phil said running to the trunk. they all yelled as the hurried to get it open.

"Holy shit! Open it! Open it! Open it!" Came from Stu and Sophie. Stu and Phil were directy over the trunk with sophie on the side. Alan was still struggling out of the back when they popped it open. they instantly froze as an anrgy, naked, asian man jummped out of the trunk and onto Phil's shoulders.

"Oh God!" Phil tried to push him off, at least get his hairy crotch out of his face but he couldn't struggle. The naked man repeatedly hit him with a crowbar. Alan tried to plead with him.

"Please! Please! Please stop!" Phil finally pushed the guy off of him. He tok the crowbar and hit Stu hard in the chest. As Stu doubled over He hit him in the middle of his back knocking Stu to the ground. Turning, he swung upwards, hitting Phil in the face, knocking off his sunglasses. Phil Hit the ground as the naked asian swung and hit sophie in the stomach. She screamed and fell over spitting up blood. Alan put his hand out and backed up pleading with him.

"Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!" The naked asian spun the bar in his hands.

"You gonna fuck on me?" Alan shook his head.

"Nobody's gonna fuck on you! We're on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants!" The naked asian instantly whipped the crowbar at Alan, smacking him in the head, then taking off at full sprint into the desert towards the strip. They all crawled towards the car panting and moaning.

"What the fuck was that?" Phil said making his way over. He pulled himself up on the door of the car and leaned against it on the ground. Sophie made her way over and leaned against him still spitting up blood. she panted.

"I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911." Stu said flipping over in the dirt.

"That was some fucked up shit. Who was that guy? He was so mean!" Sophie looked up at him panting.

"S-so mean? The fuck? haha...ah! Phil not you're b-best" he shook his head as he checked to see if he lost a tooth.

"F-fuck you." She smiled trying not to laugh. Alan leaned against the car.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof, before we went out...I slipped something in our Jägermeister." They all looked at him

"What the fuck did you just say?" Sophie said deeply as her eyes burned into him.

"What!" Phil said incredulously

"I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys." Alan apologized. Stu sat up a bit.

"You drugged us?"

"No, I didn't drug you. I was told it was ecstasy!" Phil sat up a bit as Sophie breathed heavier.

"Well, who told you it was ecstasy?" Phil yelled at him

"The guy I bought it from at the liquor store!" Stu shook his head

"Why would you give us ecstasy?" Phil could feel sophie tense up on him. He knew when she lost her temper things got ugly she continued to breathe heavier.

"Soph..." She shook her head as she glared at Alan.

"I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night!"

"But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan, it was roofies!"

"You think I knew that, Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter!" Stu sat up a bit as Sophie tried to calm herself. her face turned red. Phil prepared to hold her back in case she lunged at Alan.

"You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?" Sophie couldn't hold it in anymore.

"YOU FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT FAT ASS!" She lunged. Phil grabbed her as Alan Screamed like a little girl.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME! YOU DRUGGED ME! YOU FUCKING DRUGED ME!" She forcefully pushed phil off of her and into the dirt. He laid frozen for a minute not comprehending the force she had just used on him. Stu grabbed her arms. as She tried to attack alan. Phil jumped up and helped hold her back as a string of spanish cursed escaped her mouth. She talked so fast they couldn't even comprehend what she was saying.

"QUE CHINGADOS! PENDEJO NO SIRVE PARA NADA. NO ME JODAS ALAN!" was all that they caught after about a minute.

"Sophie im sorry!" Alan Cried

"CALLATE EL OSICO GORDOTA!" She spit on him.

"Let's just calm down!" Phil said finally getting his arms around Sophie and holding her in place. she struggled like a rabid animal. It was Stu's turn to freak out now.

You fucking calm down! Sophie's right. He drugged us! I lost a tooth! I married a whore!"

"How dare you! She's a nice lady." Alan shot back. Stu stood above him as Phil tried to still keep sophie calm.

"You are such a fucking moron!" Stu yelled at him

"Your language is offensive!" Alan shot back at him again.

"Fuck you!" Stu growled.

"Piece of shit don't ever fucking talk to me again!" Phil held her tighter.

"All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay? Seriously, this is a good thing. At least it's not some stranger who drugged us for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON!" He looked over her shoulder at Alan as he raised his voice.

"Yeah, you're right, Phil, it's totally a good thing. We're so much better off now. Here's something I would like to remind you three of: Our best friend Doug is probably facedown in a ditch right now...with a meth-head BUTT-FUCKING HIS CORPSE!" Stu yelled. Alan shook his head.

"That's highly unlikely."

"It's true!" Stu said leaning towards him. Phil kept one arm across Sophie as he reached for Stu's shoulder.

"Does not help. All-" He stopped and held her with both arms again as she lunged forward again.

"Will you calm the fuck down! such a drama queen!" He shook her a bit.

"Im calm!" She said finally giving up. She took a deep breath.

"Drama wha-" Before she could finish Phil cut her off not having time to argue with her.

"All right, let's get our shit together, guys. Let's go back to the hotel, and I'm gonna make a couple calls. Maybe Doug's back there. Maybe he's asleep. Come on. Let's go." He buried his head in Sophies hair and whispered directly into her ear.

"You're really sexy when your pissed off...can i get you to yell in spanish in bed?" She smiled and ball tapped him. He groaned and let go.

"Thats for callin me a drama queen" She got in the car. Alan snapped his fingers at Stu.

"Stu? Little help?" Stu swatted his hand away

"Shut up!" He opened the car door and smacked alan in the head with it gaining a muffled "Ow" from Alan as he was flattened on the dirt.

"Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?" Stu said apologetically.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." Alan mumbled.

"Alan, I'm sorry." He helped him up and into the car.