What do Tigers Dream of?

The car ride back to the hotel was spent in silence. Phil occasionally looked up at Sophie in the rearview mirror. Their eyes would meet occasionally, but she would avert her eyes. The silence was broken by her phone going off.

"Who's that?" Stu asked. Sophie looked at her phone

"Caller ID says..."Misd anngwla haiir"...I must have been wasted when I put her name in.

"Hello?" Sophie answered confused. The whole car could hear the voice on the other end.

"Hi is this Sophie? This is Miss Angela. You got your hair bleached at my salon last night." Sophie's eyes widened. everyones head snapped up

"ask her what happened!" Phil whispered loudly. Sophie put a finger up.

"Usually i dont let people who cant even articulate their own name properly sit in ma chair, but I made an exception since you wanted it so bad...well youre husband did." Sophie glared at phil.

"Yes, Im sure my husband did want it blonde." Sophie swallowed hard.

"Anyways I was just callin to let you know about maintenance...since ya'll were too twisted to prolly remember. You need to get a bottle of Baca de Sol. Its perfect for bleachin. okay? Sophie nodded

"Was there anything we said last night about what we were going to do or what went on while we were there?" Sophie took in a deep breath.

"Well, You we're goin on and on about some tiger. Youre husband got hit by a car comin out of the salon. You got pissed and fought the driver." Sophie's mouth dropped.

"I fought the driver?" Sophie gasped. Angela scoffed

"mmhmm. You roughed him up pretty bad. I tried to report it but ya'll just took off laughin. I got someone in the chair. Good luck with the hair." Angela hung up. Sophie stared at her phone.

"What? What is it?" Phil asked.

"I beat up a man...who hit you with his car...drunk and roofied...in vegas?" Sophie said staring at him bewildered. Phil looked at stu who looked at sophie.

"Um...i guess you were just defending me?" Phil said shrugging. Alan gave a confused look.

"I didn't know beating up people made you blonde!" They all looked at him as he stared out the window. They sat in silence all the way back to the strip.

"Can we talk about Phil getting a face full of asian dick?" Sophie said loudly with a smirk on her face. Stu busted up laughing. Sophie put a hand on Phil's shoulder, who violently shrugged it off.

"Shut up soph. Please don't." Stu smiled viciously

"What you dont like a little Asian Flavor Phil?" Stu pressed.

"Yeah Phil, Sushi is pretty good covered in hair...You want a spring roll...covered in mayo?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP SOPHIE!" Phil yelled. Sophie and Stu stifled their laugh.

"I like mayo on my spring roll...its quite tasty." Alan said smiling at sophie. Phil put his head on the wheel as Sophie rolled laughing in her seat.

"Stop laughing its not that funny!" Phil growled.

"Oh come on Phil lighten up. Its not everyday you get a face full of some Chinese Pecker!" She and Stu howled with laughter. Phil pulled into the hotel.

"Shut up and lets get back up to the room!" They got out of the car and headed into Caesars. They went up stairs in silence, save for a couple of chuckles and "Cliche Chinese tune" from Sophie. Phil had all but slapped her when they got to the door. Alan grabbed her shoulder and shook her arm. Sophie Shrugged him off.

"What Alan!" She growled

"Wait, guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?" Alan said worried. Phil sighed and threw his head back.

"Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!" Phil said grabbing the crease between his eyes.

"How the fuck did he get in there?" sophie said cocking her body to the side and grabbing her hip.

"I don't know, because I don't remember." Stu said with malice dripping from his voice. He Shot alan a look.

"Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down." Phil said unlocking the door.

"That's because one of the side effects of roofies is memory loss." Alan said serious. Sophie cocker her head to the side giving him a look.

"You are literally too stupid to insult." Stu said shaking his head. Alan smiled.

"Thank you." Alan said. Phil opened the door.

"Hey, come on. lets talk about it inside please?" Phil said leading them inside. Sophie stopped short in the doorway.

"Hey, did we leave the music on? Is that Phil Collins?" She said loudly.

"Hey. Shh. Don't make any sudden movements." Phil fired back at her. He walked forward until he bumped into a larger black man. they all screamed.

"Whoa! Who the hell are you?" Phil said backing up. The man wasn't backing down

"No, who the hell are you?" He snapped.

"What the fuck-" Sophie began. She was cut off by a familiar voice.

"Quiet! quiet!" The voice had a slight lisp. They looked towards the piano to see a man standing, swaying with the music. He had his arms up like a conductor.

"Mike Tyson?" Stu and Phil said in unison.

"Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now!" Tyson Began to play the air drums

"I can feel it! Callin in the air tonight-Need a chorus line, guys." He gestured towards the boys.

"Oh Loorrrdd!" Alan sang. Stu smiled getting into it as Sophie just stood there annoyed and confused.

"and I've been WAITIN for this moment for all my life-One more time, guys." Mike Gestured again.

"Oh Loorrrdd!" All three boys sang Sophie raised an eyebrow and cocked her head back. Before anyone knew it, Mike punched Alan right in the face. Alan hit the ground face first with a loud thud

"Oh, Jesus!" Stu yelled covering his mouth.

"What the actual fuck!" Sophie yelled

"Why did you do that?" Phil said as he got on his knees with Stu to check out Alan.

Sophie lunged at mike. His Friend held her back.

"Get yo girl man!" Mikes friend yelled. Tyson shut off the music as Phil got up and grabbed hold of Sophie.

"Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom." The man said gesturing towards the bathroom.

"Hold on, that was completely unnecessary!" Phil said stepping in front of Sophie and holding his hands out in defense.

"I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes, that was…" He mock jabbed as the man cut him off.

"Explain." He said with a stern look.

"We were drugged last night. We literally have no memory of what happened. Thanks to Sam-wise-douche bag over here." Sophie said gesturing to Alan

"It's true. We got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend. If you wanna kill us, go ahead because I don't care anymore." Stu said. His voice had lost all emotion. Sophie gave him a worried look.

"What are you talking about?" Phil said turning towards him.

"I don't care!" Stu fired back.

"Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?" The man asked incredulous.

"We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up." Phil defended.

"Especially us…." Sophie mumbled

"I don't believe these guys, man." Mike Tyson groaned.

"Wait a minute, how did you guys find us?"Sophie asked pushing Phil out of the way. Phil shot her a look.

"One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tigers' cage this morning." The man said lifting the jacket draped over his arm.

"That's Doug's!" Stu exclaimed.

"Yeah, Doug. His wallet and his room key is in there." He said tossing it in the air. Sophie caught it.

"No, that's our missing friend!" Phil said looking through the jacket.

"I don't give a fuck." the man fired back. Sophie glared at him. she opened her mouth to retort but stu cut her off

"Did you guys see him?" Stu said. he looked at Mike and his friend with his mouth hung open.

"I was fast asleep." Mike said shaking his head

"Because if he was up, this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly." the man added.

"Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar!" Mike said elbowing his buddy

"Respect." the man took his hat off.

"Wha...? What happened to Omar?" Phil asked concerned. Sophie's eyes widened.

"Oh, don't worry about Omar, he's not with us no more."

"Don't worry? You saying the tiger ate doug!" Phil waved her off.

"Sophie be quiet. Okay, I know this is asking a lot...but do you think we could go to your house and look around...see if there's any clues?"

"Absolutely. How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway? Come on, champ." He and Mike Tyson started making his way out

"I'm sorry?" Phil said following them. They stopped.

"We're not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. What you think, about 40 minutes?" the man said walking out. Tyson hung back.

"Don't make me come back for him!" He said pointing his finger at them. He walked out after his friend. Sophie ran her hand through her hair and leaned down to check on Alan

"That was Mike Tyson." Stu said awkwardly leaning into Phil. Phil threw his hands up in anger.

"Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson!" He said walking past him.

"I'm just saying, he's still got it!" Stu shrugged.

"Alan? are you okay?" Sophie shook him a bit. He rolled over groaning.

"Oh, my God!" Stu touched his swollen eye.

"Fuck, where'd he get him?" Phil said looking at him. He snapped his fingers in his face.

"Hey! Alan! Come on, wake up." He proceeded to snap and shake Alan's head.

"Sophie, maybe you should kiss him…" Stu said with a smirk. She smacked him upside his head.

"Ow! Bitch!" He moaned. She smiled. Alan finally half opened his eyes and sat up a little.

"Easy! Easy!" Phil said grabbing him.

"Wh…what happened?"

"You got knocked the fuck out!" Sophie said laughing. Stu nudged her.

"Ugh…alright. that was rude." Alan said sitting completely up.

"Okay so how are we going to get this tiger to Tyson?" Stu said taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes.

"We could always roofie it." Sophie said giving Alan a "fuck you" look. Phil nodded his head.

"No, no…thats a good idea! We could have Alan put like 5 or six roofies in a piece of meat or something and we could feed it to him!" He smiled at his brilliant idea.

"Yeah….and who is gonna feed him the meat?" Stu asked. They all looked at each other.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Alan suggested. They all mulled over the idea.

"Eww, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest "rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock" Sophie said smiling.

"Wait…what the fuck is that?" Phil asked. he was already looking for a butcher shop in the phone book.

"It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and—as it always has—rock crushes scissors" She explained. no one spoke for a minute.

"Did you just quote the Big Bang Theory?" Stu asked. Sophie shrugged.

"Bazinga!" She yelled throwing her hands in the air.

"You're fuckin weird." Stu said shaking his head.

"Sexy and nerdy…thats why I love her." Phil said without looking up.

"Hey Wennick….shut the fuck up. No one asked you. Cochino." She shook her head and sat on the couch.

"Hi is this room service? Ill give you a hundred bucks for a raw steak no questions asked delivered to our room…..uh huh…yep. thanks. Ok we got a steak."

"Lets just do plain rock paper scissors and be done with it." Stu said. They all gathered together in a circle.

"Alan you're good. don't worry about it." Phil said pushing Alan back. Alan sat on the couch.

"Okay….3 out of 4." Phil said. They played 3 rounds and the loser was Stu every time. Room service came with the steak and Phil got it quick and slammed the door.

"This does not seem fair." Stu said as Alan packed roofies into the steak

"It's Rock, Paper, Scissors. There's nothing more fair." Phil said.

"Except rock paper scissors lizard spock." Sophie said. she had her head rested on her hands as she mumbled.

"Soph…shut up about the spock shit! Alan should do it!" Stu whined

"Alan took a punch from Mike fucking Tyson you dick." Sophie said sitting up

"Come on. For Doug." Phil said. Stu nodded.

"Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper." Stu asked as alan began peppering the steak.

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon." He retorted quickly.

"Phil, just do it. You should do it." Stu continued to whine

"I would, but you lost. It wouldn't be right." He scolded. Him and Sophie exchanged a smirk.

"Okay, I jammed five roofies in there. Just go in there and throw it in to him." Alan said handing him the steak.

"Fine!" Stu slowly took off towards the bathroom.

"Make sure he eats the whole thing." Phil called after him.

Stu slowly walked into the bathroom. He stayed close to the door. he could tell the Tiger was right around the corner so he inched down the wall. He looked around the corner.

"Fuck. Oh, fuck! Hey, kitty." The Tiger growled at him.

"Hey, sweetie, it's okay. I got a little snack for you. Real important that you eat this, okay? Yeah, just have a little…" the tiger lunged at him. Dropping the steak he ran out of the bathroom screaming. Sophie and Phil cracked up

"You screamed like a bitch!" She said through laughs.

"Oh HA HA! What do we do now?" Stu said acidly

"We wait."Alan said nodding.

Alan plopped down in a reclining chair as Phil speed out on the couch. Sophie sat at the bar as Stu sat down at the piano. Phil watched her as she played with a drink, her back was turned.

Sophie sighed as she stared at her scotch. Stu began to fiddle with the piano as she thought about that night all those years ago at prom.

2007

"I literally cannot wear this dress…its way too…too pretty mom!" Sophie looked in her mother's mirror as her mom pinned up her hair.

"Oh Sophie stop it! Phil will love you in this dress!" He mother cooed. Sophie rolled her eyes.

"Phil…oh boy." She said sarcastically. It was Prom night, and her 18th birthday. Her best friend offered to take her to prom so no one knew her college boyfriend had dumped her. She looked her dress up and down. She couldn't believe she was wearing it.

The dress was a soft creme pink with a willowy, asymmetric skirt and sweetheart neckline. The waist was speckled with faux diamond rose vines. the back had a spine like detail and pinned up to the side. Her mother placed pink flowers through her hair as the doorbell rang.

"Ill get it!" her mom chimed. Sophie sighed. her hands shook as she stared at her reflection.

"you look good sis." Doug said leaning on the doorway. He smiled at her.

"Doug….I don't think I can…" She looked down. He chuckled as he pushed a stand of hair behind her ear.

"You act like you're getting married or something!" He gave her a warm smile as he hugged her.

"It is prom…with Phil…sometime i feel like I want to…"

"Want to what?" She jumped at his voice. Sophie looked up to see Phil with his arm above his head against the door." He was wearing a dark black suit with a pink vest and tie that matched sophie's dress. Sophie pulled away from Doug.

"I want to vomit at the sight of you in that dumb ass tie!" She lied. Phil rose an eyebrow

"Hey Beaner you needed a stand in for your hot-shot college boyfriend, who might i remind you decided to enjoy a life of sex drugs and herpies at Michigan State…so yeah you could be a bit nicer."

"Oh, i should be the nice one? not a single part of that sentence was nice!" Sophie shot back. Doug shook his head.

"You two flirt worse then kindergartners. stop denying your love for each other!" He said on his way out. Sophie and Phil looked at each other shyly

"Its true" they said as the same time. they laughed. Phil inched closer to her face till they were nose to nose.

"Phillll!Sophie Dearrr!" Her mother called. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"We have a prom to go to…" She said moving towards the door. Phil Grabbed her arm in one swift motion. She looked up at him. He hesitated for a moment before Sophie's mom could be heard at the top of the stairs.

"come on you too! Picture time!" She said in a sing-song voice.

Sophie shook her head as she took a swig of her drink. It disgusted her how "Lovey Dovey" they were back then. She tried to keep herself from thinking about the rest of that night. Her thoughts were interrupted by Stu singing.

"What do tigers dream of

When they take a little tiger snooze?

Do they dream of mauling zebras

Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?

Don 't you worry your pretty striped head

We're gonna get you back to Tyson

And your cozy tiger bed

And then we're gonna find

Our best friend Doug

And then we're gonna give him

A best-friend hug

Doug!

Doug!

Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug

But if he's been murdered

By crystal-meth tweakers

Well, then we're shit out of luck!"

They could hear the tiger drop to the ground as he finished his song. Everyone looked at each other to see what the next move was.