My Earlier Crimes
Any of my henchmen reading my memoirs would no doubt ask at this point why I have never mentioned my friend by name. I have my reasons. As long as I write "my friend" and "Basil" as if they were two completely different mice, it is a fairly simple matter to cherish priceless childhood memories while continuing to despise my loathsome adversary. However, using Basil's first name would connect the two, and sentimentality would hinder my progress as the world's greatest criminal mind and supreme ruler of all Mousedom.
Not long after my future rival left for the university, I committed my first real crime. I had been stealing a little money from the wealthy in order to pay rent and buy groceries, but I didn't see that as a real offense. I only took what I needed, and it wasn't my fault that I had lost my job when the printing press was destroyed by the fire. Naturally, I had never told anyone, not even my only friend, about my misdeeds. I was too proud to beg and too ashamed to confess.
Stepping into a pub for the first time in my life, I ordered my first drink. It had been a good day; I had acquired over one hundred pounds and found out I only needed fifty. I planned to save most of it, but I felt like celebrating. One drink surely wouldn't destroy my budget.
"Look at this!" a bar patron shouted drunkenly. "This bar was appropriately named! The Rat Trap has attracted a rat!"
This time there was no one to stop me by appealing to my common sense. I came up behind the miscreant and broke his neck.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the lively pub became completely silent. I clasped my hands together to keep them from trembling as I struggled to suppress the wave of nausea that suddenly came over me. The guilt was indescribable. Silently I upbraided myself for allowing my temper to overpower my reasoning. I wished my biological mother had never saved my life when I was a helpless infant, and I nearly hated the mice who had raised me as their own son.
There was no escaping reality. I was a criminal, a murderer. I had taken another's life. Using my glove to brush away traces of remorse that fell from my eyes, I returned to my table and sat down.
A woman brought me the drink I had ordered. "On the house, sir."
No one had ever addressed me by a term of respect before. I began to feel a strange stirring within my spirit.
"Is there a problem?" I asked in my most polite tone of voice.
"Not at all, sir."
"Then why is everyone silent?" I demanded. "Is this not a place of amusement, a place to relax and drink to the health of friends? If the spirit of merriment is not here, perhaps I should find elsewhere to enjoy myself in good company!"
As the laughter and music immediately resumed and glasses clinked for toasts, I realized what it was that had given me more confidence than I felt. I had seized power. My love for control was stronger than the shame of my transgressions. Any compunction was buried under the delight of complete authority. Without hesitation, I grabbed my victim and tossed his body into the river just outside the bar. I was in high spirits that evening.
A bat walked over to my table and asked if he could sit beside me.
"Sit wherever you'd like! What is it to me?" I replied nonchalantly.
He laughed. "I just wanted to tell you that was impressive."
"Thank you."
"You've got what it takes to be a great criminal."
"I am perfectly aware of that!" I lit my first cigarette and put the end between my lips. It was nothing like I expected.
"Cigarette holder," the bat suggested. "You might like that better." He swilled another bottle of Rodent's Delight.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"Just company. It's the last I'll ever get."
"Stop fidgeting long enough to explain the entire story!" I ordered.
He tried to keep still and speak slowly, but his attempts were unsuccessful. "I'm going to jail. Got a detective on my case."
By that time, I was feeling eager to try my skills as an evil genius, even though I had only been a criminal for two hours. "Detectives are easy enough to fool. Someone I used to know taught me all about them."
"Easy for you to say! You're not the one about to be arrested!"
"Look, Fidget…"
"My name is actually…"
"Until you learn to mellow out, your name is Fidget!" I stated.
"Yes, boss."
That startled me. I hadn't known I was taking a henchman, but it seemed to be a good idea.
"As I was saying, it's a simple matter to avoid a detective," I began. "In order to prove it, I will rob three detectives' homes tonight, and if I go to prison, you may taunt me for the rest of your life."
My plan was successful, but it was definitely the work of an amateur mastermind. I left behind so many clues that the three detectives and the constable showed up at my door the very next morning.
"Yes?" I asked innocently.
"All three of us were robbed last night, and we have evidence that suggests you were the culprit," one explained. "Would you care to tell us your side of the story?"
I gasped. "I am appalled! I never thought I would live to see the day when London's most clever citizens, noble servants of the public, would sink to the level of discrimination! Don't try to deny it! Someone broke into your homes, and you can't find a good suspect, so you're choosing to blame someone like me instead of someone who looks more like you! I'm the tallest mouse in the empire, so you think it's alright to mock and ridicule me while citizens of your height literally get away with murder! I am unwanted, undeserving of a place in your pristine community!"
None of them responded.
I pretended to sob. "Go ahead! Arrest me! Lead me away in chains! Lock me in dark confinement forever!" I held out my hands. "That's what you want, isn't it? You want to punish an innocent party, thus saving face by assigning guilt and ridding the community of someone who will never be a true citizen in the minds and hearts of others! Just let me know when you're about to put the handcuffs on my wrists so I can close my eyes!"
"He's faking it!" one investigator whispered. "He's obviously guilty! We have evidence!"
"He's not a criminal," the second one argued. "His mental capacity isn't great enough."
"We can't arrest him!" put in the third. "Everyone will accuse us of being biased!"
They had a debate and finally decided that my incarceration wasn't worth the trouble.
"Excellent!" I exclaimed when they informed me that I could keep my liberty. "Now that you've reached a decision, get off my porch before you have to arrest each other for trespassing on my property!"
They ran off in fear. When they were out of hearing distance, I succumbed to the wicked chuckle that had been hiding in my throat.
"Did you see that, Fidget?" I asked.
My new henchman, who had spent the night on my couch, nodded.
"Expect more of the same! Now, let us see if we can find a nice place for our secret lair."