My Precious, My Baby
Word spread quickly throughout the criminal community. I was soon surrounded by felons who admired my great criminal brain. To be sure, I had my share of failures that caused the police to laugh at my pathetic attempts, but I discovered that I didn't have to be a success to achieve notoriety. Infamy is gained through one's reputation, not one's deeds. No matter what happened, I always pretended that everything had gone according to plan.
One night at my favorite bar, I felt a hand resting on my shoulder and heard a woman's voice asking me if I would step outside for a moment. She said she had something to discuss with me. When I turned to see the speaker, I noticed she looked like me, towering above most of the other residents of Mousedom.
When we were outside, I asked, "How may I be of service?"
She laughed. "I think I am the one who can be of service to you! I've heard about the Big Ben Blunder and the Tower Bridge Joke. I've met some of the widows and orphans you tried to drown. You could have destroyed a lot of lives if your ideas had been successful, and now you risk facing death yourself."
"What do you mean?"
"You haven't been a criminal for long, have you?"
"Only about six months," I replied.
"I thought so! It's all just a game to you! You don't understand how to make a real career out of it yet! First of all, you're too trusting. Your henchmen are not your friends. They're ruffians, the kind of people your mother always warned you to avoid. If you want to be their boss, you have to prove yourself worthy. You have to come up with plans that appeal to their dark hearts."
"Meaning something impressive that actually works?"
"And pay," she added. "You must pay them very well, and keep all of them out of prison. If you do as I suggest, they'll be willing to do whatever you tell them. If you ignore my advice, they'll tell the police everything about you as soon as they tire of your leadership."
"Very well. Any other thoughts?"
"You're still too clement!"
"I'm a murderer!" I protested. "What's so clement about that?"
"So you're a murderer! What do they care? Some of them have killed more than five innocent citizens! You have a brain and a reputation, but you also have a heart! You need to commit more murders, more arson, and more burglaries than all of them combined if you expect them to submit to your authority! Furthermore, you're forgetting an important detail!"
"What would that be?"
"Detectives earn respect; criminals instill fear. The first time you come across a ruffian who's the slightest bit witty, you will be his employee instead of his boss. You must make it so no one dares oppose your will. Everyone should tremble in fear at the very mention of your name!"
"Even my own crooks?" I asked.
"Your own crooks most of all!" she stated.
"I have much to learn."
She nodded. "That you do."
She taught me all I needed to know about unleashing the fury of my true villainous nature. However, there was one aspect of life that she had failed to mention: Even criminals can have feelings for others. Her cunning did not escape my notice, and neither did her beauty.
"You learn well," she complimented one day.
"There is one important lesson you have yet to teach me," I pointed out.
"What is that?"
"How do I let a woman know I'm starting to love her?"
"You hold out your arms and see what happens."
When I opened my arms, she ran into them. I knew then that I was holding everything I ever wanted, a partner in crime and a partner for life. I typically abhor sentimentality, but I have fond memories of our first kiss.
We almost got married. When I asked a certain question, she accepted my proposal. I could hardly wait to make the announcement to my men, so I asked her to visit my lair.
"Look!" one exclaimed. "It's another big mouse, like the boss!"
"Yes!" I smiled. "She is close to my height and weight. She's the one who has been teaching me how to be a success."
"What's her name, boss?" Fidget asked.
"The more important question is what her name is going to be. Before you is the future Mrs. Ratigan."
For a moment, everyone was silent. I suppose none of them had ever thought I would find the right woman.
Bill was the first to speak. "Congratulations, sir. I hope you and your lovely bride will forever live in complete happiness."
I shook the hand he offered. "Thank you."
He turned to my fiancée. "Congratulations to you too, ma'am. I wish you both the best."
A few days later, I invited her to my lair for dinner. I reasoned that if she was going to share authority of my employees, she should have the chance to get to know them. When we arrived, no one was around. The lair was unusually silent. Thinking that my men were still at the bar when I had specifically instructed them to be here at this time, I started to grow angry.
"Surprise!" My henchmen suddenly jumped out from behind various objects, throwing confetti and releasing balloons.
"Engagement party!" Fidget exclaimed. "Henry's idea."
The worst day of my life happened when I was planning a heist. I couldn't help but think I was forgetting something important.
"Do you think we should tell the boss?" Lewis whispered to his colleagues.
"Tell him what?" asked Robert.
"He's been so busy scheming that he forgot to attend his own wedding."