Now That I'm At It Again
Life was finally perfect. Felicia had learned to be a worthy companion, and my cunning always proved superior to Basil's. He interfered with my plans every time, but I always found a way to retaliate. After the initial rush of frustration, I would actually relish the challenge of outsmarting my adversary. Many years passed in this manner, but one day I realized I was out of ideas. I had already used every ingenious scheme possible.
Suddenly I realized I deserved complete authority, not just over a few worthless ruffians, but over the whole empire. I should be reigning as king. Everything I wanted would fall into my lap. I began to get excited. Treason was one crime I had never attempted. After extensive research, I found someone who would suit my plans.
Yesterday I instructed Mr. Flaversham to build a robot that perfectly resembled the queen. Felicia and I informed him of the penalty for failure; she licked her lips as I explained. At first, Flaversham was compliant, but he suddenly declared that he would rather die than assist me.
"Very well," I replied. "If that is your decision." I paused. "By the way, I'm taking the liberty of having your daughter brought here."
As he watched in horror, I crushed the doll that had been the girl's birthday present. I wanted to make sure he understood my meaning.
The next order of business was waking up Fidget and presenting him with a list of materials. "You know what to do, and no mistakes."
"No, no. No mistakes, sir." He started to read the list.
I don't know what made him think he had time to sit and analyze the list when I was in such a hurry, so I motivated him. "NOW, Fidget!"
He ran off nervously. "I'm going! I'm going!"
I'd had a lot of highlights during my life. I clearly recall the day I told my henchmen to capture every journalist they could find and bring them to my lair.
"I am a professor now!" I had told the journalists. "You will write it in your newspapers, and you will praise my accomplishments! Talk among yourselves so there will be no inconsistencies in the story you make up about how I became a professor."
Of course I hadn't done anything to earn the title, but after everyone read the stories about "Professor Ratigan," I was forever known by the name.
Even that triumph was minor compared to what I was about to do. My men cheered as I settled in my favorite chair and held out a cigarette for them to light.
"My friends," I began, "we are about to embark on the most odious, the most evil, the most diabolic scheme of my illustrious career! A crime to top all crimes! A crime that will live in infamy!"
They applauded.
"Tomorrow evening, our beloved monarch celebrates her Diamond Jubilee, and with the enthusiastic help of our good friend, Mr. Flaversham, it promises to be a night she will never forget!" I finally gave voice to words I had often thought but never spoken aloud. "Her last night, and my first as supreme ruler of all Mousedom!"
As I began singing, I noticed that Bartholomew was drunk, but his glass was empty. I decided to help him out, so I started a champagne fountain and kicked him into it. He still had rare moments of clear thinking when he was sober, and I didn't need any logic other than my own.
Feeling my men place their hands on me, I leaned into their arms as they spun me around. I savored every moment as they paid me my favorite compliments, calling me "the best of the worst around" and stating that "the rest fall behind to Ratigan, the world's greatest criminal mind."
I played my harp as I thought of the heavy price I had to pay for my genius. Basil had been doing everything within his power to ensure my failure, and a few times he had nearly apprehended me.
"But all that's in the past!" I assured my employees. "This time, nothing, not even Basil can stand in my way! All will bow before me!" To make sure they got the message, I pointed to the ground, even though a true king should have his subjects bow to him automatically.
That's when Bartholomew ruined everything. As my henchmen were singing, he blurted out, "To Ratigan, the world's greatest rat!"
I'd been waiting for him to mess up, but I hadn't expected his error to be quite that atrocious. I nearly choked on my drink.
"What…was…THAT?" I demanded.
Despite his hiccups and the others' protests, I threw him outside and rang the bell. I doted on Felicia, not out of genuine affection so much as to annoy my terrified henchmen.
When I finished wiping my pet's mouth, I turned to my men. "I trust there will be no further interruptions." I cleared my throat. "And now, as you were singing…"
For a brief second, they acted too frightened to sing. This irritated me, so I held up the bell. After a quick gasp, they began singing as enthusiastically as they could, bringing my mantle and placing the crown upon my head as they handed me the scepter. They concluded their song with acrobatic stunts to make sure I was entertained.
At first I couldn't understand what they meant by singing, "You're more evil than even you." I suspected they were just struggling to think of rhymes before I lost my temper again, but then I realized there was deeper meaning within their words.
First of all, they were implying that I was already the most feared criminal in Mousedom. By comparing me to myself, they were using me as the superlative of wickedness. Second, it meant I was already cruel, but this time I had really outdone myself. Finally, they had been stating that I am so malevolent that I can no longer control my own iniquity; it controls me. My brutality is so great that even I can't handle it.
Everything was going according to plan until Fidget lost the list I had given him. To make matters worse, Basil was once more attempting to interfere. The shock of facing potential failure was nearly too much to handle, but then I thought of how I could turn this into the finest opportunity I've ever had.
Now I am waiting for Basil. Flaversham has finished the robot, and I know as long as his daughter is my hostage, he won't cause any trouble. The uniforms that Fidget brought are ready for use. If Basil arrives within the next few minutes, I will finally achieve the pinnacle of success.