Hi Hi~

Lobelia time!

No lyrics today!

DISCLAIMER: I used to own Vocaloid and UTAU, but then I took an arrow to the knee. (Skyrim rocks!)

"What? Are you sure there's no afternoon classes today?" I asked.

"Yeah," Miku answered, a cannoli on its way to her mouth. "I'm sure. Today AND tomorrow. The school is holding an exposition for the cultural clubs. There'll be a bunch of clubs and programs from other high schools coming. It's a big event we hold annually."

"Oh," I nodded, turning my attention elsewhere.

"What? You've never had any?" I heard Rin and Len yell at a customer.

"It's the preferred drink among the whole Host Club right now," Len said.

"If you call yourself a customer, then you have to drink it," Rin confirmed.

"Uh, um, instant coffee?" Miku asked nervously. "I think I've heard of it before. Um, it's the… Oh! Is it the kind where the beans are already ground?"

"Wrong!" the Twins chorused.

"That's completely different!" Len laughed. "Instant coffee doesn't have the slightest trace of the bean remaining."

"It's this powder, and you just mix it with water, and voilla!" Rin giggled.

"Speaking of which, the Club's stock has run out. Luki, go buy some!" they chorused.

"How does that work?" I complained. "Damn these rich people."

The convenience store wasn't that far away, actually. I was able to walk there and back in a matter of 20 minutes. The money given to me by the Kagamine Twins bought me a lifetime supply of instant coffee.

I had just entered the school gates with my load of coffee and couldn't see very well because of said coffee. I must've tripped on a pebble or something, because I ended up falling and dropping all of my bags. Just as I was about to hit the ground, someone caught me.

"It'd be a shame for any harm to come to that cute face of yours, young lady," said a voice unrecognizable as a man or woman.

My eyes shot open as I realized that this person had known I was a girl, even with my boy uniform on. It was a woman… I think. She had the breasts, definitely. Her uniform was a white shirt and black jacket with a blue tie. And she was wearing… pants? This girl looked like she was wearing a guy's uniform herself.

Except you knew she was a girl, because she had (HUGE) breasts and pigtails with a blue streak.

I had a feeling from seeing her do a Justin Bieber hair flip that something horrific was going to take place today.

What the Hell! Since she's the original Nyan Cat, Momo POV!

We walked down the hall dutifully, determined to find our destination. We stopped at the door labeled "Music Room 3".

"This is the place, hm?" I asked.

"Looks like," my friend replied.

We each opened one French door, awaiting what lay behind it.

…A group of six, stupid looking men wearing medieval outfits.

"Welcome!" they all chorused. I refrained from making a face.

My friend didn't.

"Well, well," the Purple Idiot said, "Girls from another school, are you? I certainly hope we haven't startled you too much."

That's an understatement.

"I'm glad you've come, my princesses," he continued, walking towards us. "Ah, even if the world were to be destroyed, I would be the knight that would protect you at all costs, even at the expense of my own life." He finished this horrendous display with a bow.

"My, at the expense of his own life, he says?" I sneered, "Quite arrogant, if I do say so myself. I wonder if that's what he thinks makes a woman happy."

"Well, what can you do, Pinku Nee-chan?" my friend remarked. "Men are lower life forms who prize their own honor above all else. By protecting us, he's actually protecting his image when he clearly can't even protect himself."

"Uta, you're a very clever girl," I smirked.

The Purple Idiot stood up. "Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" We shook our heads. "Fine then, what do women like you want to hear?"

Gakupo POV for once… Sorry for the inconvenient POV changes.

"Maybe something like…'I would never leave my lover alone'," a lower voice purred.

I looked up. There was a girl…a guy…I don't know what it was, but it was weird and disgusting and touching my Luka! Holding her, even! It was absolutely horrific!

Unfortunately, I was in too much shock to move at the moment.

The hermaphrodite continued, "If we fight, we'll be together! If we fail, we will fail together! No matter what, I will never leave your side, my love."

And then… It. Kissed. Luka's. Hand.

I froze up and pointed an accusing finger at the monster, shouts of fury only managing to come out in weak whimpers.

"Ruko-sama, we thought you'd never show," the short purple girl said.

"Tell us where you found this lovely young lady," the pink one giggled while playing with her hat.

"Just in the gates outside of the school," the tall one answered. "She may be dressed as a boy, but I knew the truth!"

I gasped. Uh-oh.

And then I gasped again. Because the tall hermaphrodite had started caressing Luka's cheek.

"She has such beautiful maidenly eyes," it cooed.

"Uh, thanks, I guess?" Luka said nervously.

"Oh, wow, her skin is so soft!" the purple girl marveled.

"Isn't it though?" the pink girl sighed, rubbing her freaking cheek against her leg.

"Don't you go touching my Luka without permission!" I yelled, rushing at the tall one.

The hermaphrodite struck me down. "Leave her alone!"

I retreated back into the Club Room. "It punched me! It's so violent!"

"Gakkun, get ahold of yourself!" Piko cheered.

"I guess the rumors were true," the tall one flipped its hair. "Or not. You guys are more feeble than the rumors suggested."

Kiyoteru adjusted his glasses. "Judging by your uniforms, I would say you girls are from Utau Girl's Academy." Seeing our confused faces, he explained, "It's an all-girls' private school, specializing in their arts programs and for having almost as much prestige as Vocaloid."

"That is correct," the tall one smirked.

In the strangest montage my eyes have witnessed, the three threw off their uniforms to reveal… stranger outfits. The tall one wore a shorter shirt and arm-glove things. You could see her…her thong because her pants were too low.

The pink one had changed from her white-and-black uniform to a green maid's outfit.

And the purple one wore…pretty much a typical school uniform.

"Utau~" they sang in rounds.

"President: Third-year student Ruko Yokune," the hermaphrodite announced.

"Utau~"

"Second-year student Momo Momone, AKA Pinku!" the pinkette cheered.

"Utau~"

"First-year student Uta Utane, AKA Defoko!" the shortest one shouted.

("Utane? Utatane?" the Twins asked, and turned to Piko expectantly. Piko shrugged, "They're similar, but I've never met Foko-chan.")

"Utau!"

"We are the head of Utau's famous club known as Vip2ch, or better known as…

"The Zuka Club!" the three chorused, revealing more ridiculous outfits.

Zuka Club.

Host Club.

Zuka Club.

Host Club.

"Z-Zuka… Club…" I whimpered weakly.

"Pfft… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The Twins guffawed.

"The Zuka Club? As in short for the Takarazuka Revue, that all-female musical company?" Len cackled. "Ah, that's just too good!"

"Look at those outfits! They had two under their uniforms!" Rin managed to sputter between laughs.

"Do not underestimate the Zuka Club!" a disembodied voice said.

"That voice…" I said nervously.

Sure enough, with a high-pitched cackle, Teto Kasane rose from the ground on a platform.

"T-Teto-chan, I thought you had gone home to Paris," Luka said.

"Ah, well I'd planned to start a host club back there, but I'm afraid the French aren't quite ready for it. Back to what I was saying!" she continued, "Utau Academy, truly a girl's paradise. The Zuka Club is a gathering that considers females to be especially superior. It prides itself on thirty years since its founding as a society by maidens, for maidens. The Zuka Club has activities such as tea ceremony, debate forum, and most importantly the theatrical performances (by top members of course)!"

Kiyoteru had changed back into his uniform off-screen and set the knight costume on the table. "You sure have a vast field of knowledge, Teto-kun."

"But of course!" Teto chirped, "Utau was my second choice. Of course, placing the amount of moe~ and boys into consideration, Vocaloid is definitely where I belong."

"You girls can have her, if you want," I told Momo.

"Enough of that!" Momo retorted, "A maiden's beauty…" she started tearfully, "Is to have a spirit so pure that she does not give in to influence or lust."

Defoko popped up, "We're sick and tired of being treated like the lesser sex!"

Ruko finished, "Our pride comes from having soulful relationships of equality, including ones of love—"

"Yeah, yeah," Rin and Len waved them on, pulling out their DS's.

"Mario Kart!" Piko cheered.

"Eat it, Yoshi!" Rin shouted.

"You hit me with the blue shell, you bastard!" Len wailed. (A/N: Hate that goddamn blue shell… ultimate troll item)

"Oh my, does this mean that you silly boys have nothing to say to our sublime female love?" Defoko giggled.

"What the hell is she talking about?" Len asked.

"First place!" Rin cheered.

"You should feel sorry for them, Defoko," Momo told her, "Their host skills don't work on us; now they're all flustered and don't know what to do with themselves!"

"True," Ruko said with a smirk. "But I'm glad we came here. It was worth it to get a look at the notorious Vocaloid Host Club."

"We're notorious?" Piko asked.

"Apparently," Kaito answered flatly.

Changing to Luka POV, sorry again .

"And to think they're dragging this sweet young girl down with them," Ruko tutted, leaning in towards me.

"Huh?" I asked kind of dumbly.

"The Host Club must pay for tricking such a pure maidenly soul! Such a fledgling club shan't be allowed to do as it pleases! I don't know if the president is some kind of halfer, but he's fooling young girls with his mind games! Your so-called club activities are solely for your pathetic fantasies! We swear that we will bring you down! The Vocaloid Host Club will be abolished!"

Kiyoteru pushed up his glasses, "I understand the position you are speaking from, but do you think perhaps we could finish this later?"

"You're not going to face us?" Ruko asked menacingly.

I decided to make some coffee.

"Not at all," Kiyoteru answered, and then gestured to the Purple Idiot in the bed that had conveniently materialized. "It's just that our president is still bedridden from the initial culture shock."

"Ya see, Gakkun is having his nappy time now," Piko further explained.

Before Ruko could yell again, I tapped her/him on the shoulder. "'Scuse me," I started, "I made some coffee, you guys want some?"

"Of course!" Ruko's mood changed immediately, "Coffee made by a lady is always far superior to—"

"It's just instant," I said flatly. Jeez, it's coffee.

"Maybe the four of us should all get together for a lady's tea party!" Momo chimed pleasantly.

At that suggestion, Gakupo shot up from bed and charged. "You ladies have it all wrong! What's the point in watching a girl be in love with another girl? Why else would God have created Adam and Eve?"

(A/N: This is Gakupo/Tamaki's opinion only. Not only do I not have a religion, I am bi-curious so please troll on OHSHC episode 9 on YouTube.)

Keeping up with the running gag, Len innocently threw a banana peel in Gakupo's path, causing him to trip and dip his index finger in Defoko's coffee cup. It took him a few seconds for his face to go red and realize that he'd been burned.

"AaaAAAHH! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot hot!" he screeched, holding his finger. Piko ran over and tried to blow on it.

I walked over to the idiot and sighed, "Geez, be more careful, would you?" I took out the bandage I got from the store and wrapped his finger.

Gakupo looked like he was about to say something when Ruko yanked me back up from the ground. "Don't bother with him, Miss," she said. She turned to her comrades, "Now that we are aware of the situation, we cannot allow for this maiden to remain in the Host Club. We must arrange paperwork for a transfer to Utau immediately!"

My eyes widened. I jerked out of Ruko's arms. "H-Hey, wait. There's some sort of misunderstanding here." I backed up. "For one thing, you called Gakupo-senpai a halfer."

"But Gakkun is a halfer!" Piko chirped. "He's an Italian-Japanese Half-chan!"

I sighed, "Well, the Host Club isn't fledgling, right?"

"Nah, we're pretty 'fledgling'. Only founded two years ago," Len shrugged.

"After all, Tono created it when he came to high school," Rin added.

"Well, be that as it may," I tried again, "It's not fair saying they're doing this for themselves; we don't charge our guests or anything."

"I wouldn't say charge exactly," Kiyoteru chimed in. I cursed silently. "We do offer a points system of sorts. It's all based off of the auctions we hold online. See here, Luka?" he pulled out his laptop for me to see, "Your mechanical pencil just sold for thirty thousand yen."

I did a double take. "That's the one I lost last week!" I yelled. "You realize this is the first I've heard of this?"

"What, you thought we were volunteering our services?" Kiyoteru asked. "If you subtract all of our expenses from events and costumes and add our auction money, we do make a slight profit."

"Then don't sell other people's things without consent!" I yelled again, "That's stealing!"

"It's not stealing; it fell on the floor," Len and Rin chimed.

"Waaaah! I'm sorry, Luka!" Gakupo wailed, "Here, you can have my pencil! It has a kuma-chan on it!"

"No, thank you." I said flatly.

As Gakupo hid in his designated Emo Corner, the Utau girls approached me again. "You poor thing," Momo sympathized, "It must be hard to find out you've been deceived."

"Ditch this bunch and come to Utau with us!" Defoko urged.

"Now, hold on, Defoko," Ruko told the younger girl, "The maiden is all shaken up." She turned to me. "We'll return tomorrow. Give us your answer then. Adieu~"

As the French door closed behind them, I turned to give a glare to my club members. "I'll be excusing myself as well," I said coldly.

The most insulting thing was that I could hear Kiyoteru's camera clicking as I walked out.

The next day I walked to Music Room 3 as usual. I knew that as soon as I got in, Gakupo and the Twins, maybe even Piko would start begging for my forgiveness.

I wasn't that mad at them, though. So long as they didn't do it again, of course.

The Utau girls greeted me before I could even get close to my destination. Ruko did another Justin Bieber flip, and Bishounen/Bishoujo sparkles surrounded her form. "We meet again, Miss, as promised!"

"We're really going to set things straight with that Host Club today, don't you worry!" Momo said to me with a determined look in her eyes.

I was confused. "Set what straight?" I asked.

Defoko approached me, "That a maiden like you should be in a less horrendous place, duh!"

"Come, Miss, let us teach them a lesson!" Ruko yelled, dragging me along with her as the other two giggled excitedly behind us. I sweat-dropped as we approached the doors. I sighed and opened them, expecting the usual rose petals and perky Gakupo. Instead, I was met with darkness.

What came next will be hard for me to describe.

I shall try my best.

Silhouettes rose from the shadows to sing, very much similar to the Zuka Club.

A falsetto Len's voice, "Vocaloid~"

Rin, actually trying to sound good, "Vocaloid~"

Kaito, not trying at all, "Vocaloid."

Kiyoteru, putting in some effort, "Vocaloid~"

Piko and Tako-chan, being Piko and Tako-chan, "Vocaloid~!"

The chandelier above the room suddenly lit up, and Gakupo finished the display with a large, remarkably flamboyant "VOOOOOCCCAAALLOOOOOIIIIID~!"

I blinked a couple times. They were ALL in drag. (Except for Rin, she always wore drag.)

"HOOOOST CLUUUUUB!" the idiots finished. They added on their signature, "Welcome!" to avoid copyright claims.

"Welcome, Luka!" Gakupo greeted my frozen form. He was wearing a long, dark purple gown, his ponytail had giant feathers in it, and he was wearing WAY too much makeup.

"Lulu-chan, Lulu-chan!" Piko twirled up to me, "I'm a princess! Do I look good?"

"U-Uh…I…"

"What kind of stunt is this?" Ruko yelled. "Are you mocking the ways of the Zuka Club?"

Gaku-ko waved a hand, "No, certainly not. We have taken everything into account. Luka, if you choose to remain in this club, your brothers/sisters come with it! Sister Len, Sister Rin, Sister Piko, Brother(?) Kaito, Sister (slash Mother?) Kiyoteru, and Sister Gakupo! The plan is to have the same experience from the Zuka Club, while still being in the Host Club!" Gaku-ko gave a twirl. "You see, Luka? Aren't I pretty?"

I stepped back, "I…uh…"

Rin and Len booted him out of the way. "We're the Kagamine Sisters! Which one is prettier?"

"Just kidding," Rin whispered to me, "You and I both know it's me."

Len elbowed Rin hard in the stomach.

Piko waved with Tako-chan in one hand. "Lulu-chan, Lulu-chan!" he reappeared closer to me. "You can call me Onee-sama!" he winked.

Kiyoteru didn't try very hard, apart from cross-dressing. Kaito actually kept a smile though, so that counts for something.

"Y-You think a maiden can be taken in by this!" Ruko burst.

Oh god, I couldn't take much more of this.

"We've had enough of your fooling around—"

I cracked.

I burst out laughing, clutching my stomach. Tears threatened to roll down my face. The entire Host Club was wide-eyed as I tried to cover it up, and failed miserably, just laughing harder at their over-made-up faces. "Too much!" I gasped between guffaws, "I don't even know what this means!" I fell to the ground and started rolling. "I knew you guys were goofballs, but geez…" I sat up and started to wipe my tears.

Piko and the Twins appeared next to me. "Are we really that funny?" they cooed. I screamed, more tears coming out.

The three started chasing me around the room, and I couldn't run too fast with my laughing fest. "Call me Onee-sama! Onee-sama!"

"Stop! Stop!" I yelled. After they cornered me, I sighed. "Really, stop it already. What were you all thinking?"

"Well," Len-in-drag answered, "We didn't want you to quit the Host Club, Luka."

"We thought that Utau was such a good fit for you, that you might transfer…" Rin continued.

I smiled fondly.

"Miss, are you…" Ruko started.

"I'm sorry," I cut in, "I respect your way of thinking, but I came to Vocaloid because I have a goal for my future, and so I'd never think about leaving."

"Luka!" Gakupo cried, dramatic tears running down his face. "Wait," he realized, "If you weren't planning to transfer, why were you so angry yesterday?"

"Because you stole my crap!" I yelled.

Gakupo looked taken aback, and then sighed. "Sorry about that."

I smiled. "You're forgiven."

"Ruko…" Momo said quietly.

Ruko sighed, "Yes, Pinku, I know. Come on, Uta. But Maiden!" she called. "This will not be the last you hear of us! The Vocaloid Host Club will one day be exterminated by our hands!" Until then… *Justin Bieber Flip ©* "Zai jian!"

As the three twirled out in giggles, they tripped on banana peels.

Yes, Len can teleport (apparently).

Teto once again rose from the ground in her yellow uniform. "And so, a new rival surfaces! What will become of our beloved Host Club!" she spread margarine on her bread, "Don't give up, Host Club!" she yelled with her mouth full.

"Hey! Don't go livening things up on your own!" Gakupo yelled.

He then proceeded to slip on a banana peel.

OH MY GOSH. Soooo sorry about the delay. Ugh.

Next chapter is the Twins' fight chapter! I'm sure you're looking forward to that!

Good for you guys, no weekend homework for me this time! :3