2

Sense of Purpose

I must have stood there for hours. It felt like hours. I jumped, startled, as someone touched my shoulder. "Lalee." Logan. I turned to face him slowly, my whole body feeling like lead. Instead of seeing him through my eyes, I felt as though I were looking through someone else's. almost like I'd died and now inhabited an empty shell. Or maybe I was the empty shell. I didn't know; I couldn't tell. Logan's eyebrows were drawn to a crease just above the bridge of his nose, "Are you okay? Hey, it's no big deal. It just wasn't your year." His voice sounded so far away. It had never not been someone's year. This kind of thing was unheard of.

His arms were suddenly around me and he kissed my cheek. My cheek was wet where his lips had touched my skin. Why hadn't I noticed it before? Now I realized my vision was blurry. Logan was trying to comfort me, but there was nothing to comfort. I felt nothing but a dull numbness. I heard Logan sigh when I didn't respond to him and he slumped in defeat. He knew there was nothing he could do. I watched him walk away in a haze. I was barely aware of the Dragon that followed him.

I lost track of time again, frozen in shock and disappointment. I had been left alone in my despair. Even the Dragon Queen showed no pity. Good. I didn't think I could take it. My eyes were drawn to the sky. The sun was setting. Sun; that's what Cyrus' name meant. Cyrus! I sank to my knees with my fists to my face and wailed. How could I possibly face him now? He had been looking forward to this almost as much as I had. Now I was too ashamed to face him. His failure of a big sister. I'd even forgotten about him. But I had to go home. I couldn't stand here and wallow in self-pity forever and he needed me to take care of him. Molly couldn't do it for me.

I quickly got to my feet and ran home, ignoring all my training. I reached the house, something recently unusual, and burst through the door. As soon as I was inside, I paused to take note of who was here. I heard no moving of pots and pans in the kitchen, so I could count on Molly having gone home already which I found unusual. She usually stayed until I got home. Maybe she got tired of waiting and had to go home to be with her own kids. I wouldn't blame her. I went into the kitchen where Cyrus was patiently finger painting. He heard my footsteps and looked up. As soon as our eyes met, I immediately regretted the decision of coming straight home. I wasn't ready to face his excited happiness just to be crushed into sad disappointment. I couldn't stop the fresh torrent of tears and I bolted from the kitchen and ran to my room.

I threw myself on my bed and sobbed into my pillow. After a few minutes, I hear Cyrus outside my room, "Lalee? Lalee…" My sobs ceased immediately at the sound of his voice. I got up, sniffling, and opened my door. He stood there looking up at me with worried gray eyes, his stuffed Dragon clutched to his chest. I really needed to consider getting him a stuffed bear instead. I sighed, wiped my face, and picked him up. As soon as he was in my arms, he hugged me tightly, "It's okay, Lalee." He told me.

Despite my mood, I chuckled, "You don't even know what's wrong, sweetie." He lifted his head from my shoulder.

"Yes, I do. Logan stopped by. He told us what happened. Molly went home after that," Cyrus dropped his hold on my and I put him down, "She left a note for you." He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to me. I read it. Molly was a lovely lady. In the letter, Molly voiced her concern for me and told me to keep my chin up. She told me that she'd only left because she thought it would be for the best. I sighed and put the note away. Cyrus was watching me carefully.

I smiled at him, "Are you hungry?" He shook his head, "Yeah, me neither." I turned back to my room.

"Lalee?" His voice was so small, I turned back to him and he fidgeted shyly. That wasn't like him. "You promised to tell me the Dragon Bonding story." I swallowed. He was nervous since he wasn't sure what kind of mood I was in. however, when it came to telling that story, I couldn't break my promise. No matter what.

"You're right. I did. Come on." I beckoned him in my room and he didn't think twice. Cyrus scrambled up onto my bed, still clutching Mr. Scales the Dragon tightly. I sat down next to him and propped my feet up and put an arm around him. He snuggled up to me and made himself comfortable as he waited for me to start the story. I closed my eyes, remembering how Dad used to tell me this story before I would go to sleep by popular demand. It was my favorite and now it had become Cyrus' favorite, too. I remembered the first time I told him the story and how in awe he'd been. "Wawee's going to be a Widew! Wawee has to be!" He couldn't say his 'l's or 'r's, yet, at the time. I had laughed at how sure he was that I become one of the legendries and had said it was what I dreamed for. That dream was gone now.

I opened my eyes and smiled at him, pushing those thoughts away, "In the days of our ancestors…" I only made it halfway through the tale before Cyrus was sound asleep. I kissed his forehead and settled more comfortably into my bed, careful not to wake him, and fell asleep.

I woke with a start at a knock on the door. I looked over and saw that Cyrus had moved to the far end of the bed in his sleep. Careful not to move the bed, I got up and crept into the hallway. When I passed the kitchen and nearly froze when I was Mom digging through the fridge. I snuck past her and opened the door. "Twila!" I threw a hand over Logan's mouth and pushed him back outside. He looked at me questioningly.

"Mom's up." I explained. He nodded in understanding and I dropped my hand. It was still dark outside, "Logan, are you crazy? What time is it?

He shook his head, "I don't know. I just came over because I was worried."

I frowned, "Worried? Logan, I'm fine. I'll live another year without a Dragon. I'm disappointed and upset, yes, but I'll be fine. Now, let me go back to bed." Logan stared at me wordlessly, the worried crease in his brow remained intact. "What?"

"Twila… You've been sleeping for two days." I gaped at him. He rarely called me by my actual name, and, when he did, it was when he was being completely serious. I was speechless.

"What?" I whispered fiercely, "There's no way."

Logan grabbed me by the shoulders, "You mean to say that you weren't aware?" He didn't wait for my reply, "My mom came by the morning after the Ceremony just to check and see how you were doing, bu t Cyrus told her that you wouldn't wake up. My mom had feared the worst, then, and asked to see you immediately. You can only imagine her relief. She brought Cyrus over tour house, but he insisted to go home at night." Logan chuckled, "He didn't want you to be alone at night in case you woke up and was afraid."

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek and I lurched forward. Logan caught me and I felt myself collapse in his arms as I sobbed silently. "What's wrong with me?" I whispered.

Logan hugged me to his chest, "Nothing's wrong with you. I think you were in shock and depressed. You're right, though. I think you'll be okay now."

"But Cyrus!" I protested, "How could I just let him defend for himself like that? What if your mother hadn't come over? I'm just as bad as mom."

He pushed me away and took hold of my shoulders again, shaking me, "Don't you ever say something like that again! You are nothing like your mom, and you know it. I know it, Suri knows it, Cyrus knows it, everyone knows it. Hell, I bet even your mom knows that you're not like her."

I sniffled, "But –"

"Don't even protest," he interrupted me, "You made a mistake. Big deal. You weren't even aware of it. No one's blaming you. Promise me you won't compare yourself to her again." I nodded and more tears fell down my face.

"You're such a great friend, Logan." I smiled at him.

He smiled back, "I know. Hey, is it okay if I come in for breakfast? My new training starts today and I don't want to go hungry."

I wiped my face and moved to the door, "Yeah. Hopefully, Mom's not in the kitchen anymore." He winced and followed me quietly inside. It had been a long time since Logan had come over for anything. It had been even longer since Suri had been here. I didn't really like having people over. Peeking around the kitchen door, I checked for signs of my mom. She was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed she'd found food and gone back to bed. "All clear," I said back to Logan. He followed me into the kitchen and watched silently as I cooked eggs and bacon and cinnamon rolls. It wasn't until I'd been cooking for a while when we heard Cyrus yell from my room.

Lalee!" Logan and I shared a split second glance at each other before bolting to my room. I threw the door out of my way and went directly to Cyrus' side of the bed.

"Cyrus? What's wrong, baby?"

He threw his arms around my neck, "I woke up and you suddenly weren't there. I didn't know where you went." I hugged him back tightly.

"It's alright, sweetie, I'm not going anywhere." I glanced up at Logan, relief obvious on his face, "Let's go out to the kitchen and get you some breakfast." I carried him out to the table and set him down on a chair and finished my cooking. Logan was sitting next to Cyrus, talking quietly when I served the food. I looked at it all and felt famished. It didn't surprise me since I'd slept for two days straight. However, I picked at my food, not really wanting to eat even though I knew I should. I glanced up at Cyrus. He was fidgeting as he ate and stole glances between me and Logan. When he saw me watching, he bent his head down shamefully.

I understood all too well. He wanted to ask Logan about his Dragon, but he knew I was sensitive about the topic. I hid a smile and turned to Logan, "What's your Dragon's name, Logan? It's a deep purple-blue color, right? Sapphire eyes?"

Logan stared up at me, frozen mid-bite. He slowly put his fork down, "Yeah. Her name is Astraea."

I smiled at him, "The blue is an improvement. It compliments your hair." I giggled as he went back to his food, bending his head down to hide his blush. Cyrus, oblivious to the exchange, took this as his cue to ask his questions.

"Astraea? Wow, what a cool name! Do her scales really glitter like jewels? I've heard that Dragon scales do that. How big is she? Is she bigger than a house?" His questions came out in an endless stream and Logan did his best to keep up. It finally ended with Logan promising Cyrus that he'd bring Astraea with him next time so that he could see for himself. He looked up at me.

"If that's okay with you?" He was asking permission. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not that pathetic, geez." I grinned. He grinned back and stood up.

"I'd love to stay longer, but I have to get going. I don't want to be late on my first day." I watched him leave before I turned to Cyrus who was excitedly finishing the last of his breakfast.

"So, what did you do with Molly?" I asked him. He carried his plate to the sink so that I could wash it later.

"Finger painting!" he said happily.

"Again?"

He shrugged, "I really like painting."

"Did you bring them home? Can I see them?" I was curious about them and I hadn't had the chance to see them before.

Cyrus took my hand and tugged my arm, "There were so many, I had to put them in the living room to dry!"

"Okay, let's go see them." I let him pull me into the living room where there had to have been at least twenty painted pictures. "Wow, Cyrus, you kept busy." Many of the paintings were of Dragons in all different colors. There were a few that were obviously of him and me.

"This one's my favorite," Cyrus handed me a picture. He was a surprisingly good artist for a kid. If he kept at it, he would be a master when he got older. The painting was of him and me lying in my bed with one arm wrapped around him and the other held out in front of me. "You're telling me the Dragon's Bond story."

I smiled fondly at the painting and knelt down beside him, "It's beautiful, Cyrus. You did a very good job on it." My cheeks suddenly felt wet and I knew I was crying. I couldn't help it. Cyrus deserved a much better caretaker than a failure like me. Cyrus hugged me tightly.

"Don't worry, I will always want to be just like Lalee when I grow up. No matter what." I hugged him back just as tight and cried more. This kid was too good. How did he always know just what to say?

"What is this trash all over my living room?" Mom. She was in a drunken state and had made one of her random wanderings from her bedroom. I stood quickly, keeping my hold on Cyrus so that I carried him. I would run to protect him if I had to. "I asked you a question, girl." She yelled, "And who do you think you are to come home without a Dragon? How shameful!" I flinched. How did she know? "Yeah, that's right. I heard your little friend talking to that wench he calls 'mother'. I heard –"

"Mom!" Cyrus yelled, "Mommy, it's not trash. I painted pictures!" Mom paused in her rant to look at Cyrus' anxious face. Cyrus wriggled out of my arms, "Look, I even painted some of you." He went behind the coffee table where no one would see them if you were to just walk in the room.

"I don't want to –" Mom started, but Cyrus was already shoving the paintings into her arms before running around her and to his room. I stood still, watching Mom carefully, waiting for any signs of violence or outburst. Mom stared at the paintings for a long time before frowning, "What is this crap?" And she let them fall to the floor, "Clean up this mess." She went back to her room and slammed the door.

I sank to my knees and felt myself breathe. We'd been lucky. Things could have gone a lot worse. My eyes were drawn to the paintings she'd dumped on the floor and I picked them up. They were all of how Cyrus depicted her. Thin and sallow face from malnutrition and lank, stringy hair from lack of bathing. Her eyes were either angry or empty. Except one. The very last picture was of all three of us. We were all smiling and Mom looked healthy. Or at least what Cyrus thought she would look like if she didn't drink. This made me cry again, my little brother didn't know what it was like to have a mom.

I quickly shook my head. This was not the time to be crying. I needed to be strong for Cyrus. I stood up, pictures still in hand, and took the heavy steps to my mom's bedroom door. It was cracked open. Apparently, she'd slammed it hard enough that it didn't latch. I pushed it open more; the scent of stale sweat, vomit, tears, and alcohol hitting me like a brick.

"Mom?" No answer. I treaded lightly into her dark room. It had been at least a year or more since I'd been in here. The room was a mess and the smell didn't get any better. I sighed heavily; Mom was already sprawled across her bed, passed out. I made sure to be quiet as I went to her bedside and put Cyrus' paintings in her limp hand. All I could do now was pray to the gods.

I left her room hastily and closed the door behind me softly. "Lalee?" I jumped, not expecting Cyrus to have noticed me.

"Yes, baby?" I turned to him. He was looking at me suspiciously.

"What were you doing in Mommy's room?" he was too cute.

I smiled at him, "Don't worry about it. How about we get you in the bath and we go eat lunch with Suri and Logan? I bet you'll get to see their… Dragons." I swallowed hard. That had been harder to say than I thought. I was glad that Cyrus didn't notice. His eyes grew wide in his excitement before bolting for the washroom. I smiled at his joyful enthusiasm.

Once I heard water running, I went to the kitchen and began making lunch for four. I was packing the last finishing touches into a picnic basket when I heard Cyrus calling for me, "Lalee! I can't find my clothes!" I shook my head in amusement, finished packing, and then went to help my little brother.

When I got to his room, he was wrapped from neck to mid-calf in a big, white fluffy towel. I examined Cyrus' room in dismay. I had let myself get horridly behind on laundry. I went to his hamper and pulled out a shirt and shorts that weren't completely offensive and handed them to him. "Don't tell anyone. Just this once okay? I smiled sheepishly at him. Cyrus stared at me with wide eyes and nodded slowly, shocked, I supposed.

Quickly, I pulled the clothes onto him and pushed him into the kitchen. "We have to hurry!" I called out as I threw the rest of lunch into the basket, not caring much about how it landed. I was vaguely aware of Cyrus running to get a blanket for us to sit on as I bolted through the front door.

"Lalee! The front door! You forgot to close it!" Cyrus yelled.

I halted and allowed him to catch up to me. I eyed him. "Weren't you the last one out?" I asked. His eyes widened and his mouth gaped open. He nodded. Did you close it?" Slowly, he nodded again. "Good. See? I didn't leave it open." I winked at him playfully and he laughed. Cyrus took my hand and we began our hurried pace again.

In a matter of minutes, we spotted the training grounds. Logan and Suri were just finishing an exercise as Cyrus and I approached the edge of the grounds. I watched silently as they both struggled to keep a small stone levitated above their palms. On a small intake of breath, Logan's stone fell into his open palm. "Damn," he muttered, then grinned as Suri ceased her struggle. Her smile was much wider than his. "Looks like you beat me again, Suri!" he laughed. Suri jumped to her feet.

"It feels so good to finally excel at something!" she laughed in return. I grinned. Suri had always wanted to surpass me in something when it came to Dragon training. Now she could. Though it hurt me, I was still happy for her. She noticed me, "Oh, Twila! And Cyrus! What are you two doing here?"

Logan rose to his feet, a surprised look on his face. I lifted my picnic basket, "Just thought you guys might be hungry."

"And I want to see the Dragons!" Cyrus yelled excitedly. We laughed and Suri kneeled in front of him.

"I tell you what, why don't we go eat by the river? I'm sure Liliana is swimming there right now."

"Liliana? Is that your Dragon's name? What color is she? Is she really big? Do her scales glitter?" The torrent of questions was not spared on Suri, who laughed.

"C'mon, Cyrus. We'll let Liliana answer that." As we made our way to the river, Logan and I followed behind Suri, who held Cyrus' hand as they stepped over rocks. Logan leaned over and took the picnic basket from me.

I lifted an eyebrow, "That's not necessary, you know. I went through the same training as you." Logan shrugged.

"What kind of gentleman would that make me?" He gave me a lopsided grin that I couldn't help smiling back at.

"C'mon, you lovebirds. You're falling behind and I'm starving." Suri yelled at us. Logan gaped at her and blushed, but I just stuck my tongue out at her.

"That's not even funny, Suri." I yelled back at her. She only stuck her tongue out back and laughed. Before I could run to catch up, however, Logan grabbed my upper arm and pulled me back. His newly sapphire eyes bore into mine.

"Are you sure you can handle this?" His eyes searched mine for any hint of doubt or weakness. I looked down momentarily before meeting his gaze again.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I have to be." I said without hesitation, "Whatever happens, it happens for reason, and I can't spend my life worrying over it. Cyrus needs me. He needs me to be there for him and support him. I can't do that if I'm constantly wallowing in my own self-pity. So, if not for myself, then I have to be okay for him." Logan stared at me silently for a moment.

"Okay," he said finally, "I'll accept that." I stared curiously at his back as he left me behind to join Suri and Cyrus. I couldn't help but feel as though there was something else hidden beneath that statement of his. I shrugged. Oh, well.

"Hey, you guys! Wait up!" I ran to join the people who mattered most to me and I knew what I had to do.