Later that night, Rachel sat alone in her room. Her small Jewish hands were trembling, and her pretty Jewish teeth were chewing on her pretty Jewish bottom lip. Tonight was the night she was finally going to lose her virginity… and to Finn Hudson of all people! It was almost too much to believe.

A knock came at her door, and Brittany walked in. "Hey, Rachel, Ray-Ray, my little Ray of sunshine. I've got a surprise for you, hold on," And Brittany darted just outside the doorway. The Old Snatch looked after her in a tired sort of way before turning towards Miss Cooter.

Rachel's vagina was silently fuming, pouting beneath the waistband of Rachel's short skirt like no one had ever seen a vagina pout before. The Old Snatch tutted quietly.

"Miss Cooter, what's with the long face?" The Old Snatch asked, "I mean, I have seen some sour pusses in my day, but you…. You take the cake."

"I am upset with Rachel," Miss Cooter said sourly, "And I am not speaking to her."

"Still sore about that new dick coming your way?" The Old Snatch said. Miss Cooter sniffed. "Well, I can't blame you. I'm still sore from the last one."

Brittany chose that moment to return to the room, bearing a large box of assorted devices, none of which Miss Cooter or Rachel had ever seen before. "So, I was kind of afraid you might go all Lord Tubbington on me and have a spazz attack, so I brought you something that's totes going to get you through this. Da da da da!" She sang.

"What's that?" Rachel asked.

"It's a box of all the essential tools you need to make any guy go Lady Gaga in a matter of minutes!" Brittany crowed, "Have a look see!" She rummaged around for a moment and pulled out a pair of plain handcuffs. "Ooooo, these always work in kinky time."

"Oh, you know, mmmm…"

"No?" Brittany asked. Rachel shook her head. Brittany dropped them back into the box. "No, no. But, the coupe de grande… the guy at the liquor store totally has the jailbait hots for me aaaand sold me this!" Brittany reached into the box and took out a green case of bottles. She beamed at Rachel, filled with pride in her accomplishment.

"What's that?"

"It's beer, you fucking hipster!" Brittany said, "If the night is turning into an epic fail, drink a couple of these and you'll win, win, win!" Rachel took the case, staring at it as though it were about to bite her. Brittany jumped up and down in excitement, "Oh, I'm so corrupting you right now and I love it! Oh, but I do got to go. I told that Kurt girl I'd meet her at the library. But good luck! And text me once you start fucking!"

"Yeah, okay," Rachel said.

Miss Cooter watched Brittany begin to leave, eyeing the box with disdain, "Oh, this is just fine. I'm about to be reduced to a sperm motel!"

The Old Snatch sighed, "Miss Cooter, face it. That's how it always turns out for us broads." Miss Cooter frowned, filled with dramatic angst. She was, after all, the vagina of one Miss Rachel Berry. "Just keep a stiff outer lip, and try to enjoy it before you go completely numb inside. I mean that literally."

"Sure," Miss Cooter frowned, discouraged.

"Toodles, doll."

"Okay," Miss Cooter said, "Don't be a stranger."

"Never." And then Brittany turned a corner and the Old Snatch disappeared from view.

"So, Sebastian, what's your plan here?"

"Well," Sebastian said coldly, "Blaine's coming over soon and we're supposed to be studying."

"Oh, studying, yeah," Jeremiah said. "Okay, cool…. You got condoms in that box?"

Sebastian shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, "Yeah."

"Huh!" Jeremiah said, "Why do you need condoms for studying all of the sudden, why?"

"I don't know, Jeremiah!" Sebastian cried, turning to appeal to his dick. "Look, I have to do something to get back at Dave. I just – I look at him and I get these pains in my chest, I can't eat. I can't sleep…"

"You think you've got it bad?" Jeremiah said, "Try getting a full eight hours when you're being pounded by penises."

"Oh, Jeremiah, look," Sebastian said, "Just… This is very important to me. Maybe to get back at Dave, maybe to prove to myself that I can get with someone who isn't him, so would you please just try to be nice, and help me out here a little." Sebastian grabbed Jeremiah at the base and caressed his shaft, knowing that hardened his penis quicker than anything.

Jeremiah twitched, beginning to swell, "This really means a lot to ya, huh?"

"Yes, it does," Sebastian said.

"Well, when you look at me with those puppy dog eyes, what am I supposed to do? Okay, yes, alright, I'll do it." Jeremiah waved himself at Sebastian in submission, bouncing when Sebastian began jumping for joy.

"Yay! Thanks, Jeremiah!"

"Just remember, I'm doing it for you," Jeremiah said, "Not some nasty old penis."

Sebastian stroked him, touched, "You are the best penis I ever had."

"Tell me about it," Jeremiah groaned. "Now let me dust off a few of my old tricks, and maybe I'll pick up a tip or two from that hip young Liza Minelli." Hey, he was a gay penis. Sebastian giggled. Hey, he was a gay man.

"Let's go practice in front of the mirror."

"Just like the old days," Jeremiah said, reminiscing about the time when Sebastian's hand was all they needed. He wondered what the penis headed his way was going to be like….

Dick, meanwhile, was fantasizing about a penis, but it wasn't Jeremiah. He sighed internally, thinking only about Peter. He wondered if Peter was going to be pleasured tonight. Suddenly, nothing about Kurt was boring or unappealing, and Dick felt a tiny bit of blood surge through him at the thought of Kurt's soft hand wrapping around them, joining them together, letting their cum mix as they exploded in unison….

Peter was probably so cute when he came.

Blaine could tell his penis was distracted, but he chalked it up to the ensuing loss of their virginity. He packed his bag feverishly, sure he was forgetting something, "Hey, dude, do you think 24 condoms will be enough for one night? I mean, how often do you replace them, like every two or three minutes or so?"

"Yeah, I think so," Dick shrugged.

"But, hmmm," Blaine tried to think through his arousal, "I'll throw in another thirty pack. Just in case we'll have to go into overtime, you know what I mean?" Dick smiled, not really paying attention. He tried to remember the exact pinkish red shade of Peter's head. He didn't think his memory was doing it justice. "Hey, have you seen my body spray?"

"Oh, yeah," Dick said, "I think it's underneath your silk robe."

"Oh, yeah, can't forget this." Blaine grabbed them both and shoved them into his bulging backpack.

Dick gathered his courage, "Hey, Blaine…. I just wanted to apologize for earlier."

"Yeah," Blaine said, "When you jump out of my pants and touch a kid?" In his sex induced euphoria, it seemed almost funny to look back on. "Come on, dude, at least, you know, make it a hot guy."

Dick laughed, "Yeah…. But actually, I, uh. I was talking about Kurt."

"Kurt?" Blaine asked. Dick nodded, "Oh, come on, dude. You don't have to apologize for that. I'm used to getting boners at really, really, re-really, really inappropriate times, so… you know. At least it was with someone I care nothing about." Because he didn't care about Kurt. At all. Not those gorgeous eyes or that cute little sense of humor or that trim waist… It was all just a distraction from Sebastian. Yep.

"Yeah, okay," Dick said. That could have been the end of it, but Dick's courage pressed him forward. "But, you know, um… you guys… you guys hugged so close that I actually, uh… well, I actually met his Peter."

A faint piano melody seemed to be playing on the breeze rolling through their window, but Blaine didn't notice it. "His what?"

"His Peter," Dick sighed. Now that the words were out, he was free to remember that beautiful penis as fully as he wished. "He's actually a really nice penis."

"Yeah," Blaine said, caught between arousal, fury and hilarity. Dick nodded.

"And he's super sassy, and he's got this cute Southern accent. And he's got long, beautiful flowing hair."

"…. On his penis?" Blaine asked. Dick nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah…. It works somehow…. Speaking of which, I think Kurt is dying his hair."

"Ugh," Blaine said.

"Which reminds me that, uh, maybe," Dick said, gathering up the last of his courage, "maybe we shouldn't completely rule out having, uh, sex with, uh, Kurt."

Blaine laughed, "Having sex with Kurt? Salad Kurt?"

"Yeah," Dick said.

"That's- that's disgusting, are you nuts?"

"A little," Dick shook his testicles for emphasis.

"Listen," Blaine said, shaking his head, "Dick, I know that was the closest thing you've come to a penis since you came out of one. It was an obscenely close hug, and I apologize. But, no matter how much you like that Peter, he is always going to be the fork to a larger salad." Dick nodded reluctantly, which Blaine took as his cue to continue, "With spinach, and beets and little carrots and all that other shit we don't eat. We have been waiting for years for a moment like this buddy," Blaine shoved a rolled up pair of socks in next to Dick – which, by the way, was the only way he wore socks – "Years! If you like Kurt's Peter, just think how great Sebastian's is gonna be. It's going to be the most glorious, gracious, delicious fillet mignon of a cock you have ever seen."

"Oh," Dick nearly swooned, swelling immediately. Better than Peter? How amazing could a penis like that be?

"And he's gonna be on the plate with the mashed potatoes and the veggies, and I'm gonna mix them all together with the fillet mignon. And you'll eat a little bite. And you'll get a little veggie in there, even though you don't like veggies you're gonna eat it cause it tastes so good. And then you're gonna have the gravy, cut up the fillet mignon and it's pink, it's gonna be great!"

"Oh," Dick twitched, "Pink!" He bounced for joy.

"I know," Blaine said, "Trust me, it's gonna be awesome."

"You're right, Blaine," Dick said, "I don't know what I was thinking." Peter couldn't have been that great, not with a cock like Sebastian's out there.

"Great," Blaine said, running a comb through his helmet of gelled hair. "I'm trying to get in the sexy time now. And I need to know that you're on my side."

"Blaine!" Dick said, "I'm your dick! I'm always on your side. We're an unstoppable force! We're like Batman and Robin. Or Superman and his Dick." Blaine nodded, grinning. He and Dick had spent a great deal of time fantasizing about the dick of Superman. And tonight he was going to get as close as he ever would in his young life.

"Well, that's all I needed to hear," Blaine said, "So, let's put on our roller blades, skate on down to Sebastian's, kick open that door, slowly take off his pants, and let him fuck us 'til we're men."

"Nice," Dick said, and the pair raced out their door.