Chapter 2 – Losing Ones's Mind

The train journey to Hogwarts had been a difficult one, not only had everyone openly stared and gawped at him as if he had two heads with two matching scars, he'd had a run in with Draco and was now sitting in the Great Hall with blood all over his face, much to Hermione's many questions and disgust. He'd managed to brush off his friends questions easily enough, he didn't feel like explaining anything to them since they thought he was crazy to think Draco had taken the Dark Mark over the summer, and he didn't want another argument about it right now. He was also too busy trying to surreptitiously scan the Great Hall for signs of Snape. He had seen him at the gates to Hogwarts and their eyes had met briefly. The look Snape had given him was intense and different to his usual scowl he thought. What he felt for those few seconds didn't make any sense, he had felt drawn to him and had just wanted to run over to the man and be swallowed up in the safety of his robes, but on the other hand he felt the usual intense hatred and loathing towards him. Now here he was sitting desperately looking for the Professor wanting to see if just a look would have the same confusing effect on him whilst in the safety and bright lights of the Great Hall or if only the familiar feeling of intense hatred would return. He really hoped it would be the latter! Snape was sitting at the staff table in his usual place but Harry couldn't really see him from his seat at the far end of the Gryffindor table even if he leaned out backwards trying to get a better look.

Dumbledore started speaking and Harry was having a hard time concentrating on what he was saying, his mind was all over the place with thoughts of Snape.

"Snape is the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher!" exclaimed Ron and Hermione together "You told us it was Slughorn that had got that job Harry!" moaned Ron.

"NO!" shouted Harry when he registered what Ron and Hermione had just said and what all the clapping from the Slytherin table was about.

"At least we definitely won't have him next year since that job is jinxed, hopefully he will die" Harry said with a lot of venom in his voice, but he really wasn't sure if he meant those words or not.

"HARRY! That's an awful thing to say" said a shocked Hermione.

Merlin, what is wrong with me Harry thought, Hermione is right he really didn't want anyone dying!

I must be losing my mind Harry thought as he gave an apologetic look toward Hermione.

Severus Snape sat rigidly at the head table in the Great Hall. I hate that boy; I hate that boy he repeated over and over in his head trying to convince himself it was true.

When he had seen Potter at the main gates earlier he'd initially had the familiar feeling of irritation and annoyance at the boy for standing there so arrogantly in muggle clothes. Who did he think he was that he didn't even bother to put on his school robes before returning to school, he'd thought angrily. Then he had noticed that Potter was covered in blood and appeared in pain from a broken nose. The feelings of concern and worry, as to what could have possibly happened to the young man, had immediately washed over him in a great wave. His eyes had locked with Potters and with every fibre in his being he had wanted to bundle him up in his robes and take care of him. He had somehow managed not to do exactly that and had broken off the eye contact, with what he hoped looked like his usual glare, and walked off leaving him standing there alone with Luna.

"Severus are you alright my boy?" Dumbledore asked quietly, who was sitting two places to his right and was leaning behind the two other professors to speak to him. "I am fine Albus just wishing I was anywhere else but here listening to the noise these brats are making, it gets worse every year, I swear." Severus scowled. "Of course, of course" Dumbledore said with a smile and a knowing look in his eyes. "Let me get on with it then" he said as he stood and started addressing the students. Severus knew what was coming and thought he was prepared for the inevitable reaction from most of the room but then he heard a shout of NO! from Potter in reaction to the announcement of his change in position within the school, his heart sank and it hurt. His loyal Slytherins were clapping and cheering but that didn't take away from the undeniable pain he felt from the one simple word uttered from Potters mouth. The ungrateful brat, he thought trying to push away any emotion about the boy other than pure loathing, he would be dead 20 times over if he had not saved his sorry little ass every time he got himself and his foolish friends into trouble.

Albus was continuing in his monologue, apparently oblivious to the mixed reactions the students were having to his latest staffing arrangements and was currently warning them about being ever vigilant in these dangerous times. Although he could hear what Albus was saying the words were hardly registering in his emotionally confused mind.

"Severus, a word, if you don't mind, in my office" Albus said as he walked past on his way towards the staff exit to the Great Hall. Severus groaned internally as he stood to follow, he had hardly noticed the students leaving after Albus had sent them off to bed and he suddenly realised the hall was empty. He wondered how long he had been sitting there with just Albus and was more than a bit worried about his temporary loss of vigilance to his surroundings.

The silent walk to the Headmasters office was too short for Severus to erect his usual defences to his mind, he was an emotional mess. He must stop this foolish nonsense or it won't just be Albus that will see these crazy thoughts of Potter! If the Dark Lord calls a meeting tonight he would be in big trouble or maybe even dead, in his current weak state of mind he thought. He must control his emotions and quickly he thought as he gave himself a shake in an attempt to focus the mind.

"Severus, whatever is wrong? You have me slightly worried my dear boy, you look dreadful" Albus peered at him over his glasses with a worried frown one they had arrived in the Headmasters office.

"I'm fine Albus, just tired. I was called last night and it has taken me longer than usual to shake off the effects of the cruciatus." It wasn't a lie; he was getting too old to be put under that particular brand of torture the Dark Lord seemed to favour on him. Maybe that was why he was so emotionally weak and confused, maybe he was heading toward a bed beside the Longbottom's as another insane victim of the cruciatus and raving about loving the boy-who-lived, he thought.

"Mhmmm" said Albus as he continued staring over his half rimmed spectacles at Severus. "Is that right my boy, yes I see."

"Why is it I feel that it's not only my word's you understand by that statement" Severus muttered irritably to himself. He had the feeling of having just had his mind gently rummaged through by this nosey old man. He hoped his shields were at least strong enough to keep the real truth away from his prying eyes. Merlin, did he just think about loving that brat? He was definitely losing his mind he decided.

"Come now Severus you know I would not intrude where I was not truly welcome" said Albus with a hint of a twinkle in his eyes. "Please sit my dear boy, you could do with something a little stronger than tea don't you think?" banishing the hovering tea set that had appeared when they initially entered the room "A little muggle 150 year old whisky might be just the thing" he waved his hand again and two glasses and a dusty old bottle appeared. "I have been saving this for a special occasion, it was bottled on the day I was born I believe, but I think now is maybe the time to open it."

"I cannot honestly think of anything that would make this an opportune moment for a celebration Albus" Severus said incredulously. What was the old man thinking! The Dark Lord was gaining more power every day, he had made promised to kill the old man in front of him this year, not only to help Draco but to Albus himself! No wonder he was going insane he thought but he couldn't even begin to understand the feelings he was having for a boy whom he hated! No there was definitely nothing to be celebrated in his life right now; in fact he did not believe there had ever been anything to celebrate in his life.

"Ah well Severus I beg to differ with you on that, we must celebrate the small victories when we have the chance" he said handing a glass containing a large measure of the amber fluid to Severus before raising his own in a toast. "To Professor Severus Snape and Mr Harry Potter".

Severus choked on the whisky and dropped his glass. Albus chuckled, his eyes were now fully twinkling as he gave another wave of his hand and cleared up the broken glass and spilt drink.

"Are you sure there is not something you would like to share with me Severus?" Albus asked now almost fully laughing.

"As I have said Sir, I am weak and tired from an extended period under the cruciatus last night. I am sorry if my physical condition is not up for standing drinking whisky, especially when I have no idea what it is we are meant to be celebrating and when you, as usual, seem incapable of speaking plainly!" Severus responded irritably completely ignoring Albus's question and the bizarre toast to himself and Potter.

"Your physical condition Severus?"

"Yes, my physical condition Albus. Now can you please enlighten me as to the reason behind this meeting" Severus was desperately trying to move this meeting on and away from his current state of health, mental or otherwise.

"Ah Alas, I have obviously over-estimated how far along you are in understanding what is happening here" Albus said with a hint of sadness in his voice. "I see it is clearly a bit too soon to be celebrating" he muttered as he banished the whisky away to wherever it had come.

"Clearly Albus, since I have absolutely no idea what on earth it is you are going on about, will you please enlighten me as to what you believe to be happening according to your brilliant mind!" Severus said trying hard to not lose his temper.

"No matter, no matter it will soon be made clear to you soon I am sure. Now Severus in the meantime is there anything to report from yesterday's meeting with Voldemort?"

Severus spent the next half hour informing Albus of Narcissa and Bellatrix's visit to his home the previous day as there was very little of note from the Death Eater meeting. They had also briefly discussed his lesson plans for the coming term in Defence against Dark Arts classes this year considering the need for these skills at this time more than ever. By the time Severus had bid the Headmaster goodnight, he was exhausted but did not think sleep would come easy to him this night.

It was well past curfew as Severus walked the halls of Hogwarts back to his rooms, he had managed to keep his rooms in the dungeons because of his duties as Head of Slytherin House, rather than take up the office and rooms associated with the Defence position, and he was glad. If this was going to be his last year here then he wanted to live somewhere familiar and he considered the dungeons his home. His thoughts quickly turned to Potter and he sighed. What on earth was Albus thinking with his strange celebratory toast to himself and the boy. He wracked his brain trying to come up with a reasonable explanation to Albus's weird behaviour, but came up blank. Maybe the curse is spreading from his hand to his mind he thought. There is certainly nothing to toast about himself and that boy and never will be! He had to get some time alone to think through the strange feelings he had been having before having to face the brat again, he would not allow himself to feel anything other than his usual loathing. These strange thoughts and emotions were nothing but the build up of stress after having spent the last 15 years protecting the brat. It had ruled his life, the last 5 years of actually having to see him every day was finally taking its toll, otherwise he was truly losing his mind he thought.

A/N like the last chapter just more background to the story coming