Warnings: Mild male/male sexual relationships.
Chapter 6 - The Meeting
"...meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings" - Ashleigh Brilliant
Severus staggered to his desk and fell heavily into his chair. "Merlin, what have I done" he said out loud to the empty classroom. He sat for a few minutes, staring at the door through which Potter had just exited, trying to gain control of his racing heart and shaking hands. Once he had calmed down slightly, he pulled out a fresh piece of parchment and started writing a letter. It was a letter he had hoped he would never have to write and certainly not for the reasons he found himself doing so.
Dear Albus,
I write to inform you that, as of today, I am resigning from my position within Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with immediate effect.
I understand that I am not officially required to give an explanation as to my reasons for this resignation, however after all these years it would be impolite of me to leave without some form of explanation, at least you. You have been my mentor and protector for the last 15 years and although we may not have seen eye to eye on certain matters over the years, I am indebted to you dearly for the life I have enjoyed during that time.
There were certain unacceptable events, entirely initiated by me, that occurred this morning in class involving myself and Mr. Potter. All I feel able to say on the matter, at this point, is that I have not only disgusted myself with my conduct and broken who knows how many school rules, I have severely betrayed the trust you placed in me.
It is for this reason I wish to resign from my position, however I would entirely understand if you think it more appropriate to formally discharge me from my duties for gross misconduct once you hear the full story, as I am sure you no doubt will.
With regards to certain other matters I will continue to carry out my duties to the best of my ability including any tasks I have previously given my word on.
Gratefully Yours
Severus Snape
Severus addressed the letter, sealed it with some red wax and placed it in his inside robe pocket. He truly felt ill at what had transpired in his classroom with Potter. Since returning to the school he'd had such mixed emotions about the boy. He could have eventually learnt to accept that he indeed felt very comfortable in the boy's presence and actually maybe even care for him, but he could not accept that he was strongly attracted to the boy sexually. He had been so close to just taking whatever innocence Potter had left away from him. The fact he had not done so, was not any comfort, he had done enough. He had almost taken the boy right there and then over a desk in a classroom! It made him feel physically sick, not because it repulsed him but because he still craved to be inside him, even now!
"He is just a boy for Merlin's sake; I truly am an evil sick bastard!" He said out loud to the still empty classroom. He had done many terrible things in his life but this was something he could ever begin to forgive himself for. Even though Potter had seemed to be a willing participant, he was the adult and to assault a child like that was not only sick it was unforgivable.
There is no way Potter wanted him, he's a vulnerable teenager who has been starved of any love and care whilst growing up. The physical reaction of his hormone fuelled body to stimulus, regardless of who gave it, has no connection to his true desires, Severus thought with sadness.
He stood, legs still shaking slightly, took one last look round the classroom and strode out into the corridor. He wished the DADA classroom was closer to the dungeons; he really didn't want to walk through the halls of the school right now. He started planning in his head what he would need to pack and what he could leave behind, mainly to have something to think about to help take away his sick thoughts of the boy. He picked up his pace as remembered his lunch appointment, which was in 30 minutes with Albus. He really wanted to be as far away as possible before he was missed by the old man.
The corridors were practically empty, apart from the odd 6th Year student who should still have been in class with him. He received the odd scowl from the Gryffindors and wary smiles from his Slytherins, whilst en-route to his rooms in the dungeons. He also caught the odd comment about what they had just witnessed in his class but he couldn't have cared less about the sniggers and hushed whispers about Potter throwing him half way across the room, it was not that he was ashamed of. By the time he reached his rooms he had almost reached a running pace and flung open the door. He started manually and magically throwing things into a large trunk. He didn't have any potions left in his private stores he realised, since Potter had smashed the majority of them the previous night, releaving him of the ainstaking taks of packing them away safely. He didn't know why the boy and Albus had been sprawled on the floor of his bedroom laughing when he had returned the previous evening and he supposed he would never find out now.
"Not thinking about standing me up on our lunch date Severus are you?" the slightly amused voice of the Headmaster came from the doorway. Severus had obviously forgotten to close the door in his haste and was irritated that he couldn't make some snide comment about knocking and privacy! Severus slowly stood from his kneeling position beside his almost full trunk and turned to face Albus.
"Headmaster" Severus acknowledged the older man's presence with a nod, using one of the man's formal titles as he believed to have lost the right to use his fist name.
"Thinking of going on a holiday Severus?"
"No Headmaster, but I am leaving. No doubt you are already aware of what happened in my class this morning since you always seem to know everything that happens in the school, sometimes even before it happens."
"Ah yes indeed it does indeed seem that way, but alas, I am only aware that there has been some sort of altercation between yourself and Mr Potter and that you dismissed your class early. Something, I believe, that has not been entirely unheard of during the last 5 years of you teaching Harry. So why the sudden urge to leave now?"
"Headmaster, please, can you just believe me when I say I must leave. I am truly sorry that I have to go but I behaved badly this morning and would rather not discuss it with you right now. Trust me when I say I can no longer teach at this school".
"Did you have any of intention of telling me you were going Severus" Albus said with a hint of hurt in his voice.
"Of course" Severus replied as he reached into his robes, withdrew the letter and handed it to him.
Albus slowly took the letter and put it away in his own robes. "Now then Severus time for a bite to eat I think, I have a nice lunch ready in my office."
"Albus you crazy old fool, have you not heard one word I have said to you? I am leaving and I mean to leave NOW!"
"Severus my boy, are you really going to deny this crazy old fool the chance to have a last lunch, if that is what it must be, with someone I regard as my own son?"
Severus sighed, he could not remember ever winning an argument with the old man so decided not to even try with him on this. "Very well" he replied in a defeated tone.
"Let us use the floo to my office to save these old legs of mine the walk. I am rather tired from the events of last night, as I am sure you are also" Albus said as he handed the floo powder the Severus, indicating for him to go first.
Severus exited the floo in the headmaster's office slightly less gracefully than normal, his legs still a little shaky, and turned to see the headmaster appear directly behind him.
"Let us go into my sitting room, I think we would be much more comfortable in there." Albus said opening a hidden entrance beside his desk and gesturing for Severus to follow.
Once seated, in an old elegant two-seater couch opposite Albus who was relaxing in a matching armchair, he began to relax a little and thought at least he could say goodbye properly to his mentor, boss and friend before he left and was glad he had come.
They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes as Albus summoned a tray of various sandwiches and pastries and poured two cups of tea.
"Now then Severus I would very much like to hear what happened between you and Harry this morning, as to better understand why you feel you must leave, however since you seem unable to discuss the matter as this present time I would like for you to just listen to what I planned to talk to you about this lunchtime anyway"
Severus nodded in agreement warily.
"My only condition however is that since what I have to say not only involves you, and I have no wish to repeat it, I have also invited Harry to lunch, who should be arriving any moment now"
Severus jumped to his feet "Albus please no! I do not wish to see the boy, you do not understand!"
"Ah that must be him now" Albus said rising to his feet at the sound of a gentle knock. "Please Severus sit down, I may be a few minutes whilst I inform Harry of your presence. Make yourself at home ". Before Severus could object further Albus left and closed the door firmly behind him. Meddling old fool he thought as he started pacing around the small room.
"Ah Harry do come in and take a seat" I have some lunch prepared for us in my private quarters but first I need to explain a few things.
Harry sat down and looked up at the headmaster. He had been eagerly anticipating this meeting and although the incident with Snape earlier had his mind reeling, he had pushed thoughts of it aside. He believed he had managed to work out most of the answer to his own questions regarding the events of the previous evening but there were a few things that still made no sense and was keen to have more information from Dumbledore. He would deal with the incident with Snape later he thought.
"Now where to start" Albus pondered. "When you firecalled from Severus's living quarters in the early hours of the morning Harry, I was a bit surprised, not necessarily because you were with Severus, although it was the middle of the night, but because you were so very upset. You see I was already aware that Severus had been summoned by Voldemort just moments before you firecalled, but stupidly did not appreciate you may not have fully understood Professors Snape's role in this war. I have never formally informed you about the tasks any of The Order members undertake and I now realise that that has been remise of me and I apologise. However, in my defence I have never thought it important that you know. My priority for you, was to try and give you as normal an education and life at Hogwarts as possible. I realise I have left some things unsaid for too long. I must also admit that I was concerned about telling you some of the more sensitive information regarding members of the order due to your apparent link to Voldemort himself, howerver I believe I do not have to worry about that unduly now. In the matter of Severus's role, as you are now painfully aware he is indeed a Death Eater, but in name only Harry. He goes to Voldemort's side when he is called at my request and reports back to me after every meeting."
"I realise that now Sir, when I woke up last night and Professor Snape was standing in front of me in full Death Eater robes and mask, I just panicked. I didn't know it was him at first. I'm sorry I got into such a state. I feel a bit foolish now, but there has been a number of other things on my mind since Voldemort came back and I hadn't really thought about what Professor Snape's spying actually entailed and I well... just sort of .. well...lost it a bit" Harry said sheepishly.
"There is no need to apologise about your reaction to what appeared to be a fully fledged Death Eater wakening you, since as I had given you very little information directly on this matter. What you have learnt has been through gossip, speculation and unaccompanied pensive viewings. I am not at all surprised you have not managed to garner all the facts. Last night when I saw how distressed you were at having witnessed Severus in Death Eater clothes, I was worried you would hex him into next week or worse if he returned, as he too often does, looking as he indeed did last night. You could have misunderstood his appearance to mean something else entirely. It is testament to you that you did not but I should never have let the situation arise where you could misunderstand such things."
"I knew Professor Snape had been a Death Eater previously and I also knew that he had turned spy when I saw into your pensive before Voldemort's return. Last year Professor Snape also informed me that he spied on Death Eaters for the Order, but I had never really thought that meant him actually going to Voldemort's side when summonsed and having to act like one. To be honest Headmaster, and I am sorry if this sounds rude, but why do you send him to these meetings? Surely there must be another way, I mean he almost died last night and I just didn't think you would risk anyone's life like that, even if he does bring bits of information for the Order! And why on earth does he agree to this?" Harry had got a little upset thinking about Snape being asked to risk his life. He didn't want anyone to risk their life needlessly.
"As for finding you rude, I don't. Your observation is a valid one. You remind me so much of your Mother when she was your age. You want to be able to save everyone from any suffering or pain but unfortunately you have yet to learn that life is never that simple. In times such as these, sacrifices must be made and the choices people make or have made in the past can stay with them for a very long time and can dictate what these sacrifices are. Just understand that Severus works for me willingly, the information he has brought to the Order since Voldemort returned has saved the lives of many innocent people. His reasons for accepting this mission are his alone to tell, should he wish to do so, but I must caution you to not push him for answers on this matter, he is an intensely private man Harry".
Dumbledore gave Harry a serious look and he knew this line of questioning was now closed.
"Now I think it is time for lunch but I must tell you first that Professor Snape is joining us and is waiting, undoubtedly very impatiently, in my private quarters as we speak. I have invited him today because there are some other things I would like to discuss with both you."
Harry's heart just about flipped out of his chest "Oh!" he said surprise. "Headmaster, I am not so sure right now is a good time for a joint meeting with Professor Snape, actually I think I am probably the last person he wants to see ".
"Ah yes I have heard about your little... battle of minds, shall we call it, but you will find it quite impossible to hide from him forever, Harry"
"He told you what I did?" Harry asked.
"What you did Harry? Mmm Interesting I was under the impression that it was something Professor Snape had done to you. Severus has told me nothing of the incident but you should understand better than anyone that the whole school will know about anything exciting that happens in the school within minutes of its occurrence."
"Oh yeah. That's true" Harry said shaking his head at the thought of all the gossip. The event in the classroom will have turned into a monster.
"I am sure the two of you can work out whatever it was that happened." Dumbledore stood and before opening the door behind him that lead into his living quarters said "Harry I am not sure what has happened to your face this morning but maybe you would allow me to use a few spells to reduce the swelling and bruising to your lips, you look as though you have been ... in a fight" Harry's hand flew up to his mouth which did feel slightly swollen and nodded as his face began to heat at the memory but again pushed it to the back of his mind, there were more important things to discuss, like a war! After a couple of quickly cast spells Dumbledore led Harry into his sitting room.
"I am sorry to have kept you waiting Severus, but there were some things that I needed to discuss with Harry first".
Snape was still pacing around the small but cosy living area and he looked angry and agitated.
"Now my boys will you please both sit and eat some lunch with me" Dumbledore said indicating the small two seated couch. Severus growled and gave Dumbledore a withering stare. Harry sat trying to appear relaxed.
When Dumbledore ignored his disgruntled look, Snape grunted and turned to Harry scowling as he sat down on the very edge of the seat, leaning forward so as no part of their bodies would touch.
Dumbledore poured three cups of tea and handed a cup to each of them. Snape took a sip of the liquid and winced "Thank you Headmaster I am sure your intentions are well meant but I really am in no need of a calming draft at this time!" grumbled Snape.
"Ah Severus, I beg to differ, it is only a very small amount of one you brewed yourself, it enables the drinker to achieve clear and rationale thought in times of stress, I believe you told me. It is in all our cups, I feel it will be beneficial for this meeting; therefore for me, will you please drink it?"
"As if I have a choice" Snape muttered and took another sip. They sat quietly drinking tea and eating sandwiches for a few moments. Harry felt the effects of the potion laced brew take hold and relaxed further into his seat. Snape also visibly appeared to relax and eventually sat back into the sofa beside Harry, their hips and upper legs just touching. They both turned to look at each other and Harry gave Snape a small smile which was returned with an almost imperceptible upward turn of his mouth. As their eyes had met, Harry had felt an overwhelming sense of peace invade him. He had no idea what Snape was feeling but here was a hint of sadness in the man's eyes and it appeared as though he was having as much difficulty breaking the gaze as he was.
Dumbledore cleared his throat making both Harry and Snape startled at the noise, the brief moment was broken.
"I am glad we are all appearing more relaxed, so I think I should begin" Dumbledore said with a smile, he appeared no more relaxed than previously, he just looked very tired Harry thought.
"I have a fair amount to say today and while a little of it will be based on fact, some of which you may already be familiar, there will be a fair amount of conjecture on my part but I believe it to be educated conjecture that, if proven to be true, will be of great importance to you both.
"Harry as you aware you are the only known survivor of the killing curse in recorded wizarding history. When Voldemort when to Godrics Hollow and your Mother, Lily sacrificed her life in trying to protect you, I believe her love was projected and it surrounded you, creating a shield against the curse that followed. I have however recently come to believe that although the shield was extremely powerful, Voldemort's curse was so strong that it managed to penetrate it before rebounding but in a much weakened form and only for the briefest of moments. Since the curse was severely weakened by Lily's love, it could not complete its purpose hence you survived. We indeed have some visual proof that the curse did in fact touch you in the form of the scar that appeared that night. The Killing Curse is usually so effective because it extracts the soul from the body and projects it so far away that it is impossible for it to return. However I have come to the conclusion that the scar was not the only damage the curse caused that night. Harry what I think happened when the curse touched you, you may find a little disturbing but believe me when I say, what I am about to tell you is not all bad and may indeed have some benefits"
Snape appeared to snap out of his thoughts at this comment and looked at the headmaster with a questioning frown. Dumbledore had spoken to him of what lay inside Harry last year, but he thought it was far too soon to be telling the boy, indeed he had believed he had been asked to impart this information at the proper moment and he could not for the life of him think of any benefits associated with sharing your soul with a monster. Dumbledore shook his head imperceptibly and return his gaze to Harry. Harry was aware of the exchange between the two men and decided to store it away for future reference. "As I said, the curse was obviously very much weakened and could not carry out its purpose; however after much study on the matter I believe that the curse actually did manage to extract your soul, but only a relatively small part and it was unable to cast it very far. It was then able to return and latch itself onto the first living thing it encountered to ensure its survival. Snape let out a sigh as if he had been holding his breath and slowly turned to look at Harry. Harry maintained his eye contact with Dumbledore however.
"So my soul returned to me since both my parents were dead. Why would that cause a problem?
Dumbledore did not answer immediately but instead paused to refill both Harry and Severus another cups with tea. Harry's mind was still relatively calm and realised all that the Headmaster had said made perfect sense to him but he was glad to feel even more relaxed and focussed as he drank the tea. Snape had stood and was standing staring out the window over the lake obviously deep in thought.
"Your soul would have returned to you Harry if indeed you had been the only one alive in the house that night in the minutes that followed your parents' murder."
Snape turned back to the Headmaster and quietly said "Albus?" in a gentle questioning but warning tone.
"Please hear me out Severus"
"So you are telling me that there was someone else present when my parents were killed" Harry felt he should be shocked and be demanding to know who had been there when his parents were murdered but the calming draft was obviously stronger in the second cup of tea because although he did want to know, it was purely out of a desire to understand what had happened to his soul, rather than from any anger in finding out that someone other than Voldemort was equally responsible for the death of his parents.
"Yes Harry that is what I am saying. My study has revealed that when someone looses a part of their soul, it creates a void that needs to be filled and when it is not, or it is replaced with something inferior to what was lost, it can create a great sense of pain and grief that can stay with the person for many years while the soul attempts to repair itself. In your case, when the piece of your soul latched itself onto the person that had arrived at the house in Godric's Hallow immediately after your parents' death they did not have a void to be filled, so your soul pushed a part of theirs out, which in turn filled the void in you."
Severus walked quietly back to the small sofa he shared with Harry and dropped into the seat less gracefully than normal, letting out a small gasp.
"I know this sounds all so very complicated and the magic behind it is indeed complex, however in simple terms, equal parts of your soul and that of the other persons, swapped."
Harry sat silently trying to digest this information, he wasn't entirely sure yet as to how this information made him feel. At the moment he felt rather numb.
"Do you know who this person was Professor?" Harry asked quietly but he had a feeling he already knew, Snape wasn't here just as a passive observer.
"Albus can I have a word with you for a moment in private please before you continue" Snape asked quietly before Dumbledore could answer.
"Certainly Severus. Will you be alright in here for a few minutes Harry, while I speak with Severus?"
Harry nodded numbly in response and the two men left, leaving Harry in Dumbledore's sitting room.
Once the two older wiards had left the sitting room and warded the door Severus spun to look at Albus.
"The boy and I have parts of each other's sole inside us, is that what you are saying?"
"Yes Severus that is what I have come to believe but there is much more I need to explain, some of which you may be starting to realise yourself, however since Harry will have no knowledge of other situations in which soul transference occurs, or how the magic that it entails works, he will be unable to reach the same conclusions as you. Indeed you have the additional advantage in that you now know that you share your soul with him and will be able, in retrospect, to analyse certain aspects of your relationship over the years in light of this information. I had originally hoped that you would have realised you had a bond with the boy yourself without this type of meeting but after the events of last night and this morning I couldn't leave this matter any longer."
"It does explain certain... things Albus but how can you be so sure? You told me that the last piece of The Dark Lords soul had latched onto Potter when the curse rebounded, which surely would have filled the void left in him, have you now changed your mind."
"No Severus unfortunately not, the last remaining part of Voldemort's soul had been diminishing for years. He had fragmented and lost a part every time he cast the killing curse. The part that remained after the curse rebounded, was miniscule in comparison to the void left in Harry and therefore did not completely fill it."
Severus let out a sigh and closed his eyes before continuing quietly
"How was Potters soul able to latch onto mine and cast a part of mine aside, I was under the impression this could not happen. That a fragment of soul could not demand space and push out another's, that it had to be given willingly or under other situations of extreme personal distress to it. I understand that in the case of Potter the Killing Curse had dislodged a part of his soul but surely a fragment of Potters soul could not have the power to dislodge mine?"
"A very astute observation Severus and indeed one that I had trouble finding an answer to. You must understand there were a number of factors at work that night to consider. You are correct, a fragment of a person's soul cannot, under normal circumstances, dislodge another's without the willing consent of the person to which it belongs. However when you entered the house in Godric's Hollow that night, you gave up a part of your soul to Lily. Many people have reported feeling that part of their soul died when they lose someone very close to them, especially in the case when there are extreme levels of guilt or love. This is a common sensation and is misinterpreted as part of them dying, when in fact it is the emotions resulting from losing a piece of their soul, even though it has been sent willingly to stay with the soul of the person they have lost. In your case Severus, Lily wanted more than anything for Harry's soul to be safe and complete and yours recognised this as her last wish, enabling the transfer to happen. I did not inform Harry of these details and have slightly misled him regarding the mechanics involved because to have told him the truth would mean having breaking my word to you"
"Thank you Albus for your discretion but how can you be so sure that there is any merit in these speculations?"
"I think Severus you may be able to answer that better than I when you have more time to think this over in light of your relationship with Harry now and in the past. I will reveal what pointed me in this direction of thought but would prefer to do so when both of you are present."
"You want to tell the boy it was me that was at Godrics Hallow that night?"
"No Severus I would like you to do that. If you are unwilling to tell the whole story of why you were there then yes, I would like he was at least informed it was you. In fact it is essential that he knows at least that much to enable me to explain some other things. Do you not think it is about time you put old animosities aside and trusted the boy enough to be able to reveal a little of the real you Severus?"
"Please Albus, I think the boy already has enough to deal with without having to hear my sorry tale, but if you wish I will allow you to inform him it was me, but not the reasons why. However I request that I am not present for the rest of your chat with him."
"You make a fair point Severus, Harry does have quite enough to digest at the moment but I do implore you to reveal a little more of yourself to him when you are ready. As for not being present, I am sorry, I must decline your request, it is important that you hear the rest of what I say and it would be best if you could hear it at the same time as Harry."
"But Albus I am already late for my next class" Snape tried, in an attempt to escape.
"Ah, I am glad to hear you are still referring to them as, your classes. I take it that this letter is no longer valid?" Dumbledore said as he reached into his robes and pulled out Severus's unopened letter.
Severus groaned and his shoulders slumped slightly "If I can request a temporary hold on my resignation until I can at least analyse my behaviour towards Potter in light of your most recent revelations, but I believe I will still find that I behaved in a manner that is entirely unacceptable for that of a Professor in this school"
"Excellent Severus, welcome back!" and with a click of his fingers Albus turned the letter into dust. "And by the way your classes for the rest of the day and tomorrow will be set appropriate assignments in the library. Come now, if there is nothing else you would like to discuss I would like to carry on our meeting. Are you ready?"
"No Albus I am not, but let's get this over with"
Albus opened the door to the sitting room and gestured for Severus to enter.
Harry was sitting in the same place they had left him a few minutes earlier and looked deep in thought. He had glanced up when the door had opened and Severus saw a calm acceptance and peace in the boy's eyes but he also saw something else that reminded him so much of Lily it made him shiver.
"I will rejoin you both in a minute my boys, I have to go and make sure Severus' classes have been taken care of." and with that he turned and closed the door.
"The sneaky old..."
"Professor! You can't speak about the Headmaster like that, not in front of a student anyway!" Harry said almost laughing, trying to lighten the mood.
"Potter there are a number of things I should not have done in my life and calling the old man a bastard would be least of them and as far as it being in front of a student, I think the line between what I should and should not do in front of you was well and truly crossed this morning"
"It wasn't entirely your fault Snape, an equal if not larger proportion of the blame falls on my shoulders for what occurred and please, could you stop calling me Potter, I truly hate it. There are no Death Eater children watching your every move in here!" Harry could feel himself become slightly agitated and wished he could have more tea. "My name in private situations like this is Harry, Professor and I would very much like if you used it."
Snape sighed and sat back in the sofa their legs once again touching; they sat like this silently for what felt like an age. Both were staring straight ahead at the armchair Dumbledore had recently vacated. Harry felt slightly uncomfortable with the silence not sure what Snape's reaction would be to the way he had just spoken to him but at the same time still felt very much at ease in the man's presence. He could feel the heat from Snape's leg radiating through his robes to warm his own and he struggled to try and ignore it.
"Harry, I am sorry" whispered Snape eventually breaking the silence.
To hear the man say his proper name thrilled Harry but was upset by the sadness in the man's voice. Harry turned slightly to face him but the other wizard continued to stare at the armchair.
"Professor, if it is this morning you are apologising for, then please don't, I wanted what happened to happen and if I hadn't I would not have started it." Harry said quietly.
Snape stood and adopted the familiar clipped angry tone he commonly used in the classroom when someone failed to follow simple instructions.
"As I have already told you this morning, you really do not understand what you are asking for, I am not a nice man. In addition you are actually not yet old enough to legally have that sort of relationship and even if you were you are my student! Considering all that has happened to you in your life, it would be easy to understand why you may be vulnerable to accepting any type of affection shown to you, when otherwise you would not. If it were found out what happened between us, I would be given the Dementor's kiss without a trial. I am twice your age and in a position of trust. They would see a sick, perverted old man who had abused his position, and to be honest, they would be correct. So the least I can do is say I am sorry, and please do not call me Professor again, I do not deserve the title!"
"Do you think you would still be given the kiss even if we told them about us sharing our souls...Pro..S..Severus?" Harry responded quietly.
Snape stopped his pacing suddenly and slowly turned to face Harry. Snape knew his conversation with Albus had not been overheard he could still feel the magic that surrounded the Headmasters private living quarters that ensured the upmost privacy between the private and work areas. He stood scowling at Harry for a few moments then let out a long breath as if he had been holding it for a very long time.
"How do you know?" he asked slowly.
"It is quite obvious I think, when you consider our relationship over the years, especially the last 24 hours. Your reactions to what the Headmaster has told us were also quite revealing, along with the fact that it is inferred by your presence in this meeting that it affects both of our lives."
Severus was shocked and he sat down heavily facing Harry. "You have surprised me with your rational deductions, I have always suspected that you did indeed have an intelligent brain in your head but just chose not to use it."
Harry gave a small smile "I actually do very well in my other classes thank you very much, and even did pretty well in potions this morning too. I think maybe the distraction of my last potions teacher made me lose my concentration somewhat" Harry had leant forward slightly as he spoke and their faces were almost touching, Harry's heart was beating fast. He desperately wanted to feel those lips press against his and be wrapped up in the man's arms.
Severus closed his eyes then turned his face away suddenly "Harry, please don't".
"I wasn't going to jump you Severus; we are in the Headmasters office after all. I was only going to give you a kiss" he said as he placed his hand on Severus' thigh. "I know how I feel about this. Yes I would like to have the company and affection of another person to share my life with, I am no different from every other young wizard in that respect but I would not just accept it from anyone who was willing to give it. I am not that shallow or weak. I could have had ½ the girls in the school by now if I had so chosen but I haven't because I am not that desperate for affection as you seem to think!"
"Well it is easy to turn down girls Harry when you are gay!" Severus said with a smirk turning to face Harry again.
"Ha! Very astute observation but that was just a turn of phrase to make a point, as you well know. I have not quite got used to openly admitting to people that I prefer wizards, since I am a very private person by nature." Harry didn't think it would be the right time to reveal to Severus that he had only just realised his preferences earlier that morning, he thought it might make it seem like he really didn't know what he wanted. "For your information I have also been propositioned by a few blokes and they got turned down too!"
"I see that although celebrity may not be everything, to be propositioned by what sounds like more than half the school must be an enviable position to be in" Severus said with a small smirk.
"No, that's just the thing, it isn't enviable at all. None of them can see beyond this" he said pointing to the scar on his forehead. "All they see is 'the boy-who-lived' or 'the chosen one', when I am neither of these things in here" his hand had moved from his forehead and was now resting over his heart, "You are the only one that has ever ignored the scar and what it represents and treated me as if I am nothing special. Although I admit you have been a bit over the top with the treating me as nothing special bit at times!" Harry added smiling.
"Harry please you must let this go we both must learn to live with the fact that although we may share some sort of...connection, it does not mean our relationship should be an intimate one; in fact it is highly advisable that we avoid such a thing at any time in our life, but especially at the moment."
"Can I ask why?"
"Because Harry, apart from the obvious aspects of age and position, you and I would never work. We are just too different. It would only end in a lot of heartache and disappointment. Something both our souls I am sure could do without. To strengthen the bond we have in that way could potentially be disastrous when it went wrong, as I assure you it would. We must learn quickly to suppress the emotions that have sprung up between us because of the bond and build a different kind of relationship based on friendship. One that is more appropriate to our age and position. Even that may be difficult given the role I have to play, our history and personality differences."
"I understand what you are saying Severus but it doesn't stop me wanting you with everything I have. I know that only a few days ago I would have never thought I would be saying that to you, even though I have to admit I did think about you a lot over the summer. Since coming back to Hogwarts however, I have been drawn to you almost unbearably and when I have been in your presence you either make so angry that I hate you or so comfortable and complete that I want to be as close to you as I can, in every way."
Both men still sat facing each other on the small couch but both now shifted closer to the other. "I know this will be difficult but it is just not possible, I truly am not a nice man. I am only talking to you so freely now because of that damned potion the meddling old git put in the tea." Harry reached out and slowly put his arms around Severus' waist pulling him closer and placed his head on his chest.
Harry felt a hand being drawn through his hair which was then placed gently at the back of his head almost cradling it. He felt so safe he never wanted to be without this man.
"You haven't been alone in these feelings Harry but nonetheless we must try and control our emotions" the older wizard said sadly.
Harry peered up and could see silent tears in his professor's eyes and became aware of his own, which were slowly making their way down his face. Severus brought his other hand up to Harry's face and wiped away his tears gently. Their eyes met and Severus bent his head down and their lips met in a gentle kiss. It was a totally different sort of kiss to the one they had shared earlier. It was more like a sad goodbye kiss than anything passionate.
The door to Albus's office opened quietly behind them and he announced his presence with a small cough as he entered the room. Jumping apart both wiped away tears quickly and sat forward once again facing the armchair as Dumbledore took his seat.
Oh shit, I am in serious trouble now thought Severus, I have just been caught by the Headmaster snogging Harry-Bloody-Potter the Gryffindor Golden Boy, who also happens to be my student! I really am a very sick man.
"I see you boys have possibly come to some sort of conclusions without me" Albus said eyes twinkling but he noticed the evidence of tears in his boys with sadness.
"It appears Albus, that Harry is more perceptive than I have ever given him credit for" Severus said quietly. He was incredulous that Albus had not immediately commented on what he had just witnessed. He has either gone totally insane or is waiting until he can deal with me alone he thought.
"Indeed" was all Albus replied.
"I am sure, in the fullness of time, a whole number of things will become clearer to you both. I know you already have an awful lot to take in and think about however there are a few other things that I need to explain before we finish this meeting." Albus said to both the wizards facing him.
"So can I presume that you are now aware who it was that came to your parents' house just moments after they died" Albus asked Harry.
"Yes professor I am, however I would like to know the reasons why" Harry had resisted the temptation to ask Severus this whilst on their own, choosing instead to use the time alone to concentrate on the present and their relationship.
"That is not a question I am at liberty to divulge, for the same reasons we discussed earlier when you asked why Severus does what he does for the Order. These questions can only be answered by Severus himself, should he chose to do so".
Harry turned to Severus with a questioning look
"Not now Harry. Now it is not the time" Severus replied tensely.
Dumbledore smiled slightly at the use of Harry's first name and was pleased with the progress in their relationship, although he now knew there were going to be problems ahead.
"I am sure both of you are very tired so let us move on quickly. The consequences of partial soul transference in the situation such as yours are, for obvious reasons, not documented. However, drawing on data regarding others who have bonded their soul voluntarily to each other and other instances where partial loss of one's soul has occurred, for a variety of reasons, I have been able to draw some conclusions. Indeed these conclusions may answer some questions about the interactions you and Severus have had since coming to Hogwarts. You both must agree that up until last night your relationship has been anything but amenable and it is this apparent loathing of each other that resulted in it taking so long for me to realise what it is you share. Last year some things happened between you that in the end pointed me in the right direction, but I will come back to that later. Firstly, as I have already inferred, when a person looses part of their soul, it struggles to find something to fill the void and if it is left empty or filled with an inferior soul, it results in much grief and anguish"
Dumbledore turned to Severus and directed his next comment to him "In your case Severus, Harry's soul was much younger than your own at the time of its transference, therefore it was inferior in terms of maturity and magical ability. This imbalance will have caused you to feel extreme anguish and distress. At the time, you possibly attributed these emotions to something upsetting that may have been going on in your life. You may even still have problems coming to terms with the thing you wrongly blamed for such strong emotions; when in all rationality it should have been dealt with a long time ago."
Severus had in fact shown this to be true last year when he uncommonly revealed to the Headmaster his ongoing extreme grief and love for his long time dead friend, Lily.
"You may have also have had some instability in your magical ability, which again you may have attributed to another cause."
Something seemed to click within Severus Harry noticed, he had shifted in his seat as though uncomfortable and nodded silently in response to the Headmaster.
Turning to Harry, Dumbledore then continued.
"In the same way that Severus may have felt as though a piece of his soul had died that night and attributed the cause of such deep emotions to something else. You gaining Severus's soul also had its drawbacks. You, at the age of 1, had to deal with having a piece of your soul replaced by one that was inferior in terms of its innocence. The consequences for you emotionally, although not so difficult for you to deal with since you were only an infant, did make you a more unusual and demanding child and therefore difficult for your relatives to treat normally".
Harry had been sitting quietly trying to absorb, retain and understand Dumbledore's words and although he had grasped the concept behind most of what was being said his head was being to spin at the realisation of how his life to date had been affected by this.
"Harry you look quiet drained my boy, would you like to take a break for a few moments before we continue?"
Harry shook his head "No please continue Headmaster, I need to hear all of this now"
"Very well, if you are sure. The vast majority of the literature regarding soul transference relates to people who willing share their soul with another. It is a choice, almost exclusively made out of a deep love and respect between the parties involved, who are always married before the soul transference ceremony occurs. Even then however, there have been a few cases of note in history where the couple have an apparently irretrievable breakdown of their relationship shortly after bonding. In all of these instances there was a period of unavoidable physical separation, for one reason or another, in the days immediately following the ceremony. This seems to cause, the newly adjusting souls, further distress and anguish to what may already exist as a result of any imbalance there may have been. This does not appear to happen if the couple have a few months to settle into their newly formed bonds both emotionally and physically. In a very small minority of these, aptly named, separation anxiety cases, there has been a very disturbing end to the relationship. It appears the separation can cause so much hate and frustration it can lead to one party raping and/or murdering the other when they are finally reunited."
Albus paused briefly to take a sip of water and gestured to both Harry and Severus to help themselves to some cold drinks that had appeared in the table in front of them.
"Don't look so horrified" Albus said to the pair of rigid, wide eyed faces looking at him. "I know you both can see where I am going with this. Let me assure you there has been much research on separation anxiety over the years and there are now ways of repairing the damage caused. These extreme cases are also thankfully few. It is also reassuring that your relationship to date, if I am not mistaken, has only consisted of the occasional derogatory comment, stray spell and a bit of verbal threat and indeed seems to be making progress away from utter loathing over the last couple of days at least"
Harry relaxed a little before Albus continued.
"So you see, the consequences of this unplanned soul transference is two-fold, firstly the pieces received by both of you were inferior in either maturity or innocence, which created a sense of great despair and loss which resulted in many years of unhappiness for you both. Secondly there is the problem of separation anxiety which has caused an almost irrational sense of loathing towards each other since your soul bond was abandoned when it was at in its weakest newly formed state. Your minds would have ubconsciously blamed the other for the distress to your souls and the lack of closeness a bond of this nature usually demands." Dumbledore summarised for them.
Severus opened his mouth as if to speak but obviously changed his mind at the last moment.
"My next point, which is something that puzzled me at the time of its occurrence, is the disaster that transpired to be your Occlumency lessons. Indeed I think I referred to them earlier this summer as a farce." Dumbledore turned to look at HArry as he ssaid this. "I did not refer to them as such for maybe the reasons you thought at the time Harry, since Severus seems to have done a remarkable job in teaching you Occlumency; nonetheless they were still a farce. There was no way you could have, as a learner of the skill, repelled a Legilimens cast by Severus when your soul was striving to join with his. Indeed Severus's own soul put every ounce of power it had at its disposal into casting the spell in an attempt to at least connect your minds if not your souls. It was the fiasco of these lessons that lead me to believe there was more to your relationship than met the eye, along with one other thing, which I will come to. It transpires you are both equally strong in terms of Occlumency, something Severus will have never encountered before since I have only on very few occasions been able to see his thoughts. Indeed, I am sure Voldemort has never managed to do so or we would not have our Potions Master and DADA professor sitting here breathing if he had."
"But Headmaster I have managed to breach Professor Snape's defences in the past, in fact I did so this morning during class. It was not intentional either time, but this morning I tried to block him out my mind and used everything I had as I did last night when you cast the verbal Legilimens at me."
"Harry I did warn you against using such force again" Dumbledore said laughing.
"Albus surely this morning's incident in class is evidence that Harry is not just equal in strength, but actually stronger at Occlumency and Legilimency than I?"
"I am not aware of the full nature of the incident in class this morning however I have my suspicions as to what happened from the, I am sure much exaggerated, descriptions I heard all over the school!"
Both Harry and Severus groaned at the thought of what the incident must have become during its whispered telling between students. Dumbledore sniggered slightly before continuing
"I was aware of at least one other occasion when Harry managed to repel a Legilimens from you Severus, it is something I have given much thought to in light of your soul bond. In answer to your question Severus, I still believe you do indeed have an equal strength in these areas and would not be surprised to find you were equal in all other areas as well. The reason Harry managed to overpower you, is probably due to the infinitesimal fluctuations of magical power and concentration everyone experiences. These fluctuation usually go unnoticed, however when tasked against someone of equal strength, the smallest dip in energy or concentration can cause the other party to "win" so to speak but this does not make them the stronger party. What happened this morning suggests that you, unsurprisingly, after the events of the previous evening, were at a low point in the ebb and flow of energy and concentration, which in turn enabled Harry to overpower you."
Both Harry and Severus nodded in understanding at this.
"Moving on then to the present, we must now concentrate on minimising and repairing the damage that has been caused to your souls over the years and to enable you both to enjoy some of the beneficial aspects that a soul bond can bring.
"Beneficial aspects! How can there possibly be any beneficial aspects to a young boy and an old man sharing their souls Albus! We are not exactly the appropriate pair to be sharing the benefits, as you call them, that a soul bonded couple do!"
"Severus I understand what you are saying but I was not referring to those types of benefits. I was in fact talking about the sharing of magical ability and power. The other aspects will be something we will have to discuss at a later date if they become a problem to either of you but I think now is not the time"
Harry had no knowledge of soul bonds therefore was a bit confused as to what both the Headmaster and Severus were referring, although he could guess at most of it and was upset by the disgusted tone in Severus's voice. It was the same tone he had used earlier when apologising for what they had done in class that morning.
"Very well" Severus replied sheepishly.
"Right then, before we can start to work out ways to repair any damage, we first need to understand the current state of your souls. The effects of the first cause of distress should now be almost over for both of you. Harry has matured and grown in magically ability to almost match your own Severus, thus removing the problem of inferiority and imbalance in your soul. In your case Harry, your imbalance is still resolving since although you have become somewhat less innocent, as we all do in life, it needs a little more time to resolve fully and it will naturally as you grow older".
Snape snorted at this "Ha!'Somewhat less innocent' Albus if Harry has to lose that much of his innocence to balance out and feel at peace with his soul then he is doomed!"
"Severus my dear boy the loss of innocence does not have to take the same form as yours did. Innocence can be taken in many ways and is lost for both good and bad reasons, indeed during times of war the loss of innocence is great regardless of whether you are on the side of good or evil." Dumbledore said with sadness in his eyes.
"I still think he may have a long way to being balanced!" Severus muttered.
Dumbledore ignored the comment, there was little point on dwelling on what he could not change.
"The effects of the second cause of distress are slightly more difficult to resolve. There is much written on the subject and I believe we will find a way, in time, to resolve this separation anxiety also, but be ever mindful that it has indeed caused a minority to cause extreme harm to each other. I think we must try and close this conversation now since it is almost time to head to the Great Hall for supper, but one more thing before we leave. During the hours spent battling each other's souls and minds last year during Occlumency lessons, your souls reconnected briefly and recognised the other as part of itself. During this connection I think your souls took what they could and since you were practicing magic surrounding the mind, you each lost a part of your mind to the other, in essence you opened up a channel between your thoughts, something the soul bond would have achieved had it been nurtured from the beginning. This has caused Harry to have more frequent nightmares and pain in his scar than he previously had due to your link with Voldemort, Severus. I came to this conclusion because Harry, you seem to have your worst nightmares and bouts of pain when Severus has been summoned, although it does also appear there is a direct connection between you and Voldemort as well, something I can't quite explain at the moment."
Severus scowled at the Headmaster thinking he really is bloody good at not telling the whole truth but not exactly lying either.
"So we have not only lost a part of our souls we have also lost a part of our mind, is that what you are saying Albus" Severus asked.
"Don't think of it as what you have lost Severus, think of it in what you have gained" Dumbledore said with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes. "The time you both spent alone together fulfilled a very small amount of what your souls have been yearning for all these years and even though this has slightly appeased the loathing caused by the separation, I believe it may have also awakened a deep yearning to be in each other's presence regardless of the years of hate. A very confusing state of mind for you both I am sure ".
Both Harry and Severus turned to look at each other for the first time since the Headmaster had returned to his sitting room and Harry saw a look of sadness in the other mans eyes and tried to convey the sense of peace he currently felt through his own and gave him a small smile.
"I would like to meet with you again tomorrow to try and establish a plan of action as to how you can go about repairing your bond and healing the separation anxiety, but now we must all face the inevitable questions from both staff and students as to the apparent disappearance of a professor and student along with their headmaster. To maintain appearances you have now both been formally cautioned regarding your behaviour in class this morning but only resort to telling this lie if absolutely necessary and please do not discuss the nature of our meeting to anyone outwith this room, for the time being at least. "
Both Harry nodded in their agreement and stood to leave.
"My door is always open to either of you, day or night, whether it is together or individually as you both work to come to terms with this."
"Thank you Headmaster" Harry said as both he and Severus left the room together.
On reaching the corridor they turned and looked at each other. Harry quickly checked for anyone in the corridor and on seeing no one, stretched up quickly and gave Severus a small chaste kiss on the lips before turning and heading to the Great Hall for supper.
A/N It has taken me a few days to get this all down. I thought this chapter would pretty much write itself since this has been half written as the main idea for ages. However I have really struggled with it in terms of structure and word flow, plus it has ended up way bigger than I anticipated! I have enjoyed writing it more than I do now reading it and think it could be much better. I hope you got some enjoyment out of reading this and that I have explained the concepts in it clearly enough, they make sense to me but not sure how they will come across, any comments would be greatly received. I am realising writing fiction is a very different beast to factual writing (which I have done a lot of professionally for some time) which I already knew but finding it harder than anticipated! Thanks to all that have reviewed so far x