A/N Quick note before you read. I have struggled with this chapter and it has not turned out how I expected. It was supposed to be light-hearted and funny but once you read it you will see it isn't that way at all! I must be full of angst just now or something I don't know. The light-hearted funny approach just didn't gel. I have written 3 different versions of this, so sorry for the long wait between updates but I have stressed over it for days and now given up trying so have decided to just get over it and post one of them and move on! Thanks for reading and I hope to resume normal service soon x
Warning: Strong Language, references to male/male sexual relationship.
Chapter 8 - Knowing One's Own Mind
"To see a thing clearly in the mind makes it begin to take form" - Henry Ford
When Harry entered the Great Hall the following morning, he was tired and a bit grumpy. He hadn't been able to sleep after leaving Severus and felt a bit irritated with him for making him go back to his own bed. He knew he was being irrational and shouldn't be annoyed, but he had just wanted to spend a little more time with him. As he lay thinking things over, he had started to think that maybe Severus didn't really want him in his life after all, and that was why he had been sent away like an errant schoolboy. He had only wanted to lie and feel safe in his arms, for a little while. He thought they both deserved to have some comfort after the day they had had, but Severus obviously didn't need that, or want it from him anyway. He wished he could shake the feeling, he knew it was stupid. Severus had been right to make him go back to the Gryffindor Tower; it wouldn't have looked good if he had been caught leaving his in rooms, or even being in Slytherin Territory, early in the morning. The gossip would have gone crazy with talk of them shagging and Merlin knows what else.
As he started walking down the aisle to his friends, he became aware of the familiar whispered silence that had fallen over the Great Hall when he had entered. Sighing he continued his walk towards Ron and Hermione, who were sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table. Bloody typical that they would chose the furthest away place to sit this morning he grumbled to himself. As he approached his friends he stole a quick glance up at the head table to see Severus' empty seat and a pang of worry shot through him. The worry never left but was quickly added to by a deeper irritation, almost verging on anger, at the git for not being here this morning, of all mornings. Bloody coward, he thought scowling. He should know that it he would be worried if he wasn't at breakfast, he surely can face a few whispered rumours. His eyes caught those of the Headmaster, who had obviously been watching him. The old man raised his goblet and nodded his head slightly with a small sad smile. Harry returned the nod and sat heavily on the bench beside Ron.
"Mornin' mate" Ron said, not seeming to notice the quiet whispers that now filled the room, as he continued shovelling food in his mouth.
Scowling at Ron's table manners Hermione turned, put her fork down and politely spoke.
"Good morning Harry, are you alright?"
"I'm fine and you?" he replied trying to sound normal.
"I'm alright Harry, just a bit worried about you" she stated and looked at him with a frown.
"I'm fine, will be better when everyone moves onto the next bit of gossip, as long as it's not about me. Apart from that I'm alright" He said as he started buttering a slice of toast.
Although the noise in the Hall was still hushed and a few still stared at him openly, the whispers had started to get a little louder. Then all of a sudden there was complete silence. You could have heard a pin drop. Harry looked up at Hermione who was still staring at him, but now looked really worried. He looked around to find everyone staring at the top table or glancing back at him. He snapped his eyes up to the top table just in time to see Severus, who had obviously just entered, grab his seat roughly, in a billow of robes, pull it out and sit down. A flood of relief washed over him. At least he is safe even if he did look like he was in a really foul mood, thought Harry whilst openly staring at him. Severus, in his usual unanimated way, moved his eyes only and looked up straight at him. Harry just about let out a gasp; he thought it was the most hate filled expression he had ever seen and it hurt. Hermione kicked him under the table making him jump. Turning to scowl at her he broke the gaze. Hermione just raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes in a warning look. She was right as usual of course. Sitting staring at Severus with a hurt look, while the Professor looked like he hated him more than usual, didn't help dispel the lover's tiff angle. Harry hung his head and finished buttering his toast. He really wasn't hungry now but he had to try and eat something. He had a feeling today was going to be another long hard one and he had only slept about 6 hours, in total, over the previous two nights. His mouth was dry but he choked down a few mouthfuls in silence. He could hear some giggling about how tired both he and Severus looked and how they must have been up arguing all night or doing some "making up" and other such rubbish. He supposed they weren't entirely wrong, although why Severus looked as though he could cast the killing curse at him at any moment when they had left in really good terms he couldn't work out, unless he was right and Severus really didn't want him in his life. He wasn't just hurt now, the anger had returned in force.
"What class we got first thing guys?" Ron asked, as if he hadn't noticed anything that was going on around him, although Harry knew his friend had. Ron had looked up at the Head table when Severus had come in, just like the rest of the students and he had seen the look he had given Harry, but he had turned back to his breakfast quickly.
"Ron you really should have worked that out yesterday so you could have prepared for the class last night!" Hermione moaned but she didn't really didn't sound like she meant it the way she normally did.
"I don't know either; I won't be in class first thing. I have another meeting with Dumbledore after breakfast." Harry whispered.
"I thought these were meant to be extra lessons, not a replacement for your normal education. It's not fair to ask you to give up everything to prepare for this war. There are older and more experienced people able to continue the fight without it interrupting your education!" Hermione said getting exasperated but still managed to keep her voice to a low whisper.
"I haven't started my extra lessons yet 'mione, this is something different, alright"
"We thought that's where you went yesterday at lunchtime".
"Where, you thought he was. I thought that Git over there had killed him, remember?"
Ignoring Ron's comments she continued "When you didn't turn up for our chat down at the lake, I just thought the lesson had gone on longer than expected" after a brief pause and seeing confusion in Harry's look she added "You were going to tell us how you managed to get your nose broken remember?"
"Oh yeah, Malfoy" Harry had completely forgotten about the ferret and he glanced over at him. He was sitting very quietly, picking at his food, looking very unhappy. Harry was surprised, Malfoy had never missed an opportunity like this to try and wind him up in the past, he was sure the little slime ball was up to something.
"Yes Malfoy! Really Harry! Where were you then, if not with Dumbledore having extra lessons?" Hermione demanded.
"I was with Dumbledore, Hermione, just not having a lesson that's all". Harry wished he had just lied and told her he had started the bloody lessons now.
"Listen guys I really can't talk about this right now, just leave it ok" he said before she could ask him anything else.
"But Harry we are your friends. If you can't talk to us then who can you talk to? We promised at the end of last year we were in this together. You can't take all this on yourself without someone helping you!" Hermione was getting a bit upset but no-one was really paying attention to them now which was good.
"Professor Dumbledore is helping me 'mione, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but please just leave it" In a way, Harry was sad he couldn't share his current trauma with his friends and it came across in his tone of voice.
"Ok I will drop the matter for now since Ron and I have a class to go to but Harry, we are both here for you ok, please don't push us aside. I will be asking you more about where you have been, later" Ron rolled his eyes when he caught Harry's look of exasperation and headed off to class in Hermione's wake.
"Doesn't look like your friends are very happy with your choice in lover, Potter" the sneering voice of Malfoy came from behind him a few seconds later. "Although I am sure it's more likely that you came on to him and he told you to get lost. He has more taste"
Harry sighed; he knew it had been too good to be true. Malfoy would never give up on his petty childhood game, of trying to wind him up.
"For you to even mention the imbecilic rumours, confirm to me that you are as equally imbecilic as those that started it. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me, if it was you that had done so. Now get out of my way Malfoy."
Harry stood and pushed his way past the now glowering boy and stormed out the Great Hall.
Malfoy was a right prick, he was clueless spoilt child and he had just wanted to punch him and break his nose but that would have just changed the rumours in all sorts of other possible directions he thought, he knew how the gossip worked. They would stay on the same hot topic of the moment but move it slightly to include Malfoy somehow. Although he would probably be better fancying bloody Draco Malfoy than that sadistic git, he thought with a shudder.
He headed to the Headmasters office and by the time he got there he felt as though he wanted to punch the bloody Phoenix guarding the spiral staircase rather than say "Hershey's Kisses", which was the crazy mans password for the day. Deep down he knew it was irrational to feel this angry but it didn't help him feel it any less.
He took a deep breath and as he reached the top of the staircase, the door swung open.
"Good Morning Harry! Come and take a seat". The headmaster sat behind his imposing desk and peered over his glasses at him with a worried smile. Harry noticed that his right hand was still black and he now held it strangely. He had asked him about it over the summer, but he was brushed off and told it was a long story for another time. Harry thought the man looked very old and tired and he was a getting a bit worried about him.
"Are you alright Sir" looking at his hand again.
Sliding the long, wide sleeve of his colourful robe over his hand, he answered.
"I am fine Harry but I should be asking you that question"
"Yeah I'm ok I guess, just tired and been feeling really...well I don't know really... "Harry broke off with a confused sigh.
"Well it's not every day you get told you have a soul bond with your most hated Professor, I am not surprised you feel a little confused"
"It's not that, I don't think, well I suppose it is, in a way. What I mean is the bond itself doesn't worry me or even who it is with really, but then that is probably because the bond has made me like him more or something. It's just that I thought S..Professor Snape and I were getting on better, then this morning I've been just so..." he didn't know how could he begin to explain how he felt without telling him that he had been with Severus last night and about being sent back to his dorm and then being hurt and angry by a look and... GOD I'm a mess! I can't even think straight without babbling, Harry thought. Where is all my rational thinking and calm deductions gone now? It's no wonder Severus doesn't want me; I am an immature brat.
Dumbledore sat quietly as if waiting for Harry to finish.
Harry looked up at the man and let out a harsh breath and seemed to deflate into his chair.
"I can't explain it Professor"
"Is that because you don't know what you are feeling or because you don't want to tell me?" Dumbledore said quietly.
"A bit of both really".
"Well let's start with you telling me what you can, it is important I understand what is going on with you Harry, so I can work out how to start healing any damage there is" Dumbledore encouraged gently.
After a brief silence where Harry attempted to compose his thoughts he started to try and explain.
"Well I felt really calm yesterday. Severus...oh I mean Professor Snape... we talked about our bond a little, after our meeting, and I felt at peace with it, but this morning I woke up feeling irritated at him." Harry paused he really didn't want to explain why he felt irritated; he knew he was being irrational and it made him sound stupid. Anyway, he continued, "when Severus ..." bugger he thought as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair, I have to stop calling him Severus.
"Harry, under these circumstances, I think I can allow you to call your Professor by his first name, in front of me anyway, if he has given you permission to use it that is".
"Oh right, yeah ok, thank you Sir" he would be fine when talking to his friends because they never called him Severus obviously; it was just more difficult in front of the Headmaster, who used the name all the time to him anyway.
"Anyway when he wasn't at the head table, when I first came in to breakfast, I was really worried something bad had happened and a bit annoyed he had stayed away. Then when he came in, I was really relieved that he was ok but then he gave me a look that was as if he truly hated me and it kind of hurt but now I am kind of angry with him. I know it all sounds irrational, it is irrational but I can't stop it"
"You said you and he talked about your bond a little last night. Can I ask where you talked about this?"
Harry supposed there was no harm in telling the Headmaster, he hadn't seemed bothered that he had been in Severus' private rooms the previous night. "In his sitting room sir, I had a detention with him and was a bit late. He had thought I wouldn't turn up after everything and had gone back to his rooms. I went there and we talked for a bit"
Dumbledore was nodding his head and fiddling with a ring on his unharmed hand with the thumb of the same hand. The ring looked old and had a crack through the stone it held.
"How did your chat go Harry" Dumbledore asked, although he seemed distracted as he continued looking at the ring. In a way, his distraction helped Harry calm down and not be so nervous about opening up, at least a little, to his mentor.
"Yeah we got on really well actually, well not initially but we spoke about a lot of things. Stuff that was bothering him and what I thought about other stuff, but we parted on really good terms" Harry wore a dopy grin as he remembered the previous evening.
"I see" was all the reply Dumbledore gave.
Harry sat in silence as the old wizard continued to turn the ring on his hand around with his thumb, seemingly deep in thought. After sitting in silence for a while, Harry started to feel a bit anxious again and wondered where Severus was. He had thought he was coming to this meeting too. Maybe the Headmaster knew what they had been doing together. Shit, he did catch them kissing in his office yesterday he suddenly remembered. Maybe he is angry that they had broken the rules about student teacher relationships or maybe something bad had happened to Severus since breakfast and the Headmaster was so quiet because he was trying to work out how to tell him. God where was Severus. His mind was reeling from one possibility to the next, without stopping to think about any of them rationally and his anxiousness was almost at panic levels now.
"Sir, what's wrong, has something bad happened, is Severus alright? You are going to tell me something bad aren't you? Where is he?" Harry blurted out panic clear in his voice and expression.
Dumbledore stopped looking his ring, sat up straighter and returned his attention to Harry.
"Ah as I thought. Harry calm down nothing bad has happened. Severus is fine, he is just running late. Something came up with one of his Slytherin students this morning before breakfast and is having to deal with the consequences of their behaviour. I must warn you before he arrives, that he is indeed in the most foulest of moods".
Harry relaxed visibly and sighed, he was an irrational twit. Severus was fine and he had probably misread an angry disgruntled look, as hate toward him. He realised Severus couldn't have exactly changed his expression and smiled when he had looked at Harry. What a complete and utter idiot he was. He gave a snort of a laugh at the thought of Severus looking at him and smiling across the Hall.
"Harry since Severus may be sometime, maybe we should reschedule this meeting, if you would prefer him to be here, however I am beginning to think there may be some benefit in discussing some matters with you separately first. May I ask you something personal Harry?"
"Errmmm ... Y...yes" He replied warily not liking the sound of this.
"Harry, as you may remember, in my sitting room yesterday, I witnessed you and Severus being a little closer, physically, than a student and Professor should be. Was that the only time something of this nature has occurred between you?"
Oh Merlin, Harry thought, feeling the heat rise to burn his face; he really didn't want to talk about this with the Headmaster.
"Emm ..."
You don't need to answer Harry, but it may help me understand a few things"
Ermmm Ok eh ...yes it was... well sort of...actually emm no not really... "Ah gads now he sounded like a bloody child!
Taking a deep breath he started again "Sorry I sound like a bumbling idiot. I find this sort of thing difficult to talk about, in fact I haven't talked about anything like this with anyone, ever, but in answer to your question yes there have been a couple incidences of Severus and I being together like that". Harry looked down at his shoes trying to hide his scarlet face. He would feel embarrassed talking to this man about being with Cho or Ginny never mind one of his bloody male Professors but he wanted to at least appear mature about it!
"Do you feel you can explain to me when, where and why these instances occurred? I have no real interest in the matter, I assure you, however I think that it may help us understand what is happening with your bond"
Harry felt like saying, no he bloody well didn't, why couldn't he just have at least one normal thing in his life that didn't have to be scrutinized by the Headmaster! Not that being with Severus was normal, nothing in his life ever was, he realised unhappily. He took a deep breath before calmly replying.
"The first time anything sort of happened although well... nothing actually did, was yesterday morning".
Bloody hell was that only yesterday it felt like a life time ago and he was starting to sound stupid again.
"I had just finished having a shower and getting dressed in Severus' bathroom, as you instructed. When I came out the bathroom, Severus was awake and he wasn't best pleased I was still there. Anyway, we had an argument and he pinned me against the wall quite hard with his ermm... whole body. He was only dressed in those pyjama bottoms we put on him after healing his wounds. Like I say nothing actually happened and after a few heated words he told me to leave, but later in class when Severus cast the Legilimens, I didn't only block him and throw us both to the ground, like what happened with you, I actually entered his mind. One of the memories I saw, was of him pinning me to the wall earlier that morning, but I noticed while watching the memory that... well... Severus was ... kind of aroused. I then watched him throw me out and afterwards he was really very upset and crying. That's when the spell broke and I just wanted to go and hold him and apologise, so after he told everyone to get out the classroom, I stayed and we sort of well... kissed then. He didn't force me or anything, I wanted to".
Harry paused for a breath and Dumbledore handed him a cup of tea.
"Carry on" Dumbledore said gently as he sat back behind his desk.
"Severus broke away from me quite abruptly and told me to leave. He told me last night he had been disgusted with what had happened in the classroom. But Headmaster it wasn't just his fault, I had started it as much as he had, in fact...Harry took a big sigh, he might as well tell the man everything, and he didn't want him thinking Severus had pushed him into anything. "... I have been having weird thoughts about him all summer. Hating him with a deep loathing one minute then wishing I could see him the next. I had also some... intimate thoughts and emmm... dreams about him." Harry closed his eyes, really wanting the ground to swallow him up but he had to tell this man everything, there couldn't be any misunderstanding about Severus forcing him or anything. "We then had the meeting with you. It was me that put my arms around him, in your sitting room, me that started the kiss you saw. Severus hadn't wanted that to happen either. In fact we argued about what I wanted from him last night, when I went to his rooms. He says its wrong and we can't be together like that, although after a lot of talking about lots of things, we did end up kissing again and stuff, but it was me that started it again then"
Harry thought his face would never return to its normal colour again, he so didn't want to be him. He bet no other student had to sit and explain their every touch with their girlfriend or boyfriend to the Headmaster! Not that Severus was his boyfriend. Talking through what had happened so far, made him think he had pushed the other man into kissing him and that it was clear Severus didn't want him like that.
"Thank you for telling me this Harry, I appreciate that this is a difficult area of conversation for you, but it is essential for me to understand where you are in your relationship with Severus or I will not be able to help you both properly. One more question on this topic and I will try to explain a little of what I think might be happening here. Has your relationship ever gone beyond just kissing Harry?"
"Ermmm ehhh...well no" He hoped the Headmaster didn't need any further details or he would definitely refuse to tell him, as images of rubbing his hard cock into Severus' toned thigh, feeling the other man's throbbing member press hard into his stomach and running his hand over the scarred but beautiful chest, fleeted through his mind and he shivered.
"What has occurred between you and Severus is to be expected with the bond you share. Although, I am a bit surprised things of this nature have started happening so soon. It does complicate matters somewhat and I have to confess that I am a bit of a loss as to where to begin helping you both to heal, or indeed explain what I think might be happening." Dumbledore paused and poured himself a cup of tea and took a sip. Before he could continue however there was an abrupt knock on the office door.
"Ah Severus, come in and take a seat, care to join us in some tea?"
"Yes thank you, I think I need it this morning, after all that has happened so far. The insolence and arrogance of the students in this school astound me more and more every year Albus. What the hell are parents teaching their children at home before they get here? It certainly isn't respect and humility towards their elders. I mean really, there are times I think that bloody hat of yours, sorts some of these brats into Slytherin just to wind me up, when they would be much better placed in Gryffindor!"
Severus was pacing and clearly very agitated. He hadn't looked at Harry during his very familiar sounding tirade. Harry didn't know whether to laugh at what he had said, or take offence, but it was quite funny he supposed. He coughed slightly to hide a snigger.
Severus whipped around and seemed to just notice Harry's presence.
"Mr. Potter you would find it bloody funny!" he said, but seemed to calm a little as he sat in the chair beside Harry and shook his head.
Dumbledore gave a short laugh to himself and indicated for the scowling man to help himself to the tea service, which was now floating in front of Severus' face. Severus looked disdainfully at the flowery pink cup and saucer but poured himself a cup anyway. Harry was really trying not to laugh now and wished he had a camera to capture the scowling, very pissed off Potions Master, that would have struck fear into his heart only a few days ago, sipping tea from a dainty, flowery pink cup!"
"You both obviously find my distress amusing. Bloody Gryffindors." Severus was now obviously calming and his scowl almost looked like he might actually be trying not to smile.
"No Severus, I don't think either of would find any real distress from you amusing, but you are so very melodramatic in your own way at times and I do love you for it! Dumbledore said sweetly.
Severus snorted and gave the headmaster a warning look, but there was no menace in it.
"If you are both quite finished enjoying the amusement and laughter I clearly bring into a room, then maybe we can start this meeting. I have a class at 11am so we haven't got long." He definitely is trying not to laugh, Harry thought with amusement.
"Severus I have arranged for your classes to go to the library again today. I hope to be finished here before then but I thought you would like time to consider everything before returning to classes."
"Albus, even if I had the whole year off from teaching, I don't think I would even begin to understand how this bond and how the separation from it, has affected, is affecting or might affect Harry and I. I will leave the research of this matter firmly in your hands. The magic surrounding bonding, surprisingly, has never been one of my subjects of interest". Severus said sarcastically. "I would rather continue teaching, if that alright with you"
"Very well as you wish, but please feel free to ask for time off if you ever need it. Right then, shall we begin?"
Both Harry and Severus nodded in response.
"Severus. Harry and I have had a chat in your absence and there may be some things about your relationship with Harry that you would prefer to discuss with me, alone, before we can start working out how to heal your bond".
Severus turned to look at Harry and tipped his head slightly down in that questioning frown he used in class. Harry looked apologetically at him and shrugged his shoulders.
"Severus unless you feel you can handle this situation yourself and learn all there is to know about soul bonds, you will both have to learn to be as open about your relationship with me, otherwise I cannot help you".
"I think I need to have a private word with Mr. Potter first, Albus." Severus said quietly but Harry thought he sounded mad and he was now standing rigidly beside him.
"Of course, but Severus, remember I do ask very direct questions, as you very well know"
"Please Albus; just a minute of privacy is all I ask". Severus almost hissed out.
Once Albus had left the office, Severus spun on his heel in a billow of robes and faced Harry.
"What, in Merlin's, name have you told him?" Severus was straining not to shout.
"Well everything pretty much" Harry whispered.
"Fuck! What possessed you! I could go to bloody Azkaban for what I have done to you, do you not realise that you silly boy" Severus was furious.
"But Severus we have a soul bond..."
"Do you think that would save the likes of me from prison? After all, we are talking about a bloody Death Eater and "The-Boy-Who-Lived" for fucks sake! Oh I can see everyone celebrating that we have a bond, when the Prophet would be calling you "Harry-The-Boy-Who-Lived-Only-To-Be-Buggered-By-a-Death Eater-Potter"!
Harry let out a shocked sob and tears filled his eyes. How could Severus talk to him like this after everything they had been through the last couple of days?
Before Harry could compose and answer, the authoritative voice of Dumbledore came from the doorway to his sitting room.
"Severus! That is quite enough. Now sit down"
"Albus, I asked for some privacy for just one minute!" Severus spat out.
"Indeed you did, and under normal circumstances, I would not intrude on such privacy. However I cannot take the risk of you becoming so angry, that something irrevocable is said or done, by either of you. You must understand, we really have no idea how this Separation Anxiety Disorder will manifest itself in you both. Now please sit down Severus."
"I do not see the point in sitting, just be told I need to leave Hogwarts for my behaviour. You should have accepted my resignation when I gave it, I told you to trust me on this!"
Harry had thought he had managed to convince Severus last night that there was nothing sick or perverted about anything they had done. It was only a few kisses, for Merlin's sake, and he was 16, they weren't shagging or anything! He didn't know if he even wanted to go that far with this man. Not yet anyway. Surely the headmaster wasn't going to sack him for a few kisses that he had started!
"Headmaster none of this is Severus' fault, even though he blames himself. I pushed him into having more with me, when he clearly didn't and still doesn't want that kind of relationship. It is entirely my fault. If anyone should be disciplined, it's me!"
"Will both of you please calm down! No-one is leaving the school or being disciplined. This is not the first time a relationship between a student and Professor has happened. Trust me; the circumstances surrounding yours are far more acceptable than the most recent one. Although there are rules against such an occurrence, there are also conditions in which such a relationship can be permitted, if the student is at least 16, although it is generally frowned upon. In your case, I am not concerned about the fact that this has happened, more that it has happened so soon."
"Albus we are not talking about a silly schoolgirl crush and a professor encouraging her affections by holding her bloody hand or giving her a small kiss on the cheek! We are both Wizards, the drive is for a little more than that, as you should know. In addition, I am not exactly an appropriate partner for any 16 year old, male or female!"
The Headmaster looked at Severus with sad shake of his head. It hurt Harry that a few kisses had caused Severus such distress. He wished now he had not pushed the man for more than friendship, he hadn't really considered what it had meant for Severus' life.
Harry felt a bit defeated; the two older wizards seemed to have forgotten he was even in the room.
"I am obviously fully aware the nature a relationship between two wizards can take, especially between two as powerful as yourselves, which is why it is crucial I understand how you are both coping with such a relationship. Although I do hope the words you chose a moment ago were in anger, Severus. Harry assured me you have only shared a kiss or two. A relationship of this nature will complicate any Separation Anxiety you have and possibly increase it, the closer you become. This is the reason I need to know some of the details regarding your relationship. I cannot help if I do not."
Severus sat down again but looked extremely uncomfortable and tense.
"Regardless of the whether there is any truth in the words I chose; you know why I said them. Harry needs to find someone who has not been marred by previous life... experiences, shall we call them, than I. I am wholly inappropriate as anything other than his teacher and possibly as his friend.
"Severus you are too hard on yourself, you are capable of giving a lot to a relationship. In any case I believe it may not be possible for either of you to stop what has now been started for very long."
Severus growled in frustration and put his head in his hands.
"As I said, I do have concerns that your relationship has turned this way so soon, merely from the perspective of how your conscious mind will react to what the subconscious soul is yearning for. As I said yesterday, it is a very confusing state to be in. I had hoped that you both would learn to be friends as a natural progression of your changing perceptions of each other and this would lead to a partial healing of the bond, with full health being achieved through ongoing counselling and guidance. However I am now starting to realise that I have grossly underestimated the nature of the bond you share. I did not consider the other demands the bond may have; wrongly discounting them as only applicable to married couples. I now realise the bond is demanding to be honoured fully. This may add to, and increase, any negative emotions caused by Separation Anxiety there may be. Since neither of you have any personal expectations of the other, as married couples do, I had initially believed your symptoms of Separation Anxiety Disorder, would be minimal and diminish quickly, merely by spending enjoyable time together, as friends. This was a reasonable assumption, since it is only having conscious expectations of another person that can lead to extreme irrational blame and anger when the soul is separated too soon from its bonded pair. This adds to the distress and anxiousness emanating from the soul itself. However since the bond is demanding more from your relationship than friendship this opens up the potential for you to begin to have expectations of the other. This will not just be mildly confusing for you both but extremely so, considering your history. This confusion could cause extreme anxiety, and where there are high levels of anxiety, there is always fear, anger and blame. As I said your situation is very unusual and complex and to be honest I am not sure how to help."
Harry sat once again listening to how "unusual" he was and he felt so drained and tired. He had grasped that the bond was making him and Severus want to be more than friends and that was causing confuion but surely if they worked out what it was that was bothering them about being together and tried not to have any expectations of each other, it would all be fine.
Severus sat in silence his eyes glazed over, obviously lost in thought.
The Headmaster waited in silence, as if aware both wizards before him were trying to process what he had said. Severus shifted slightly in his seat and quietly spoke first.
"Albus, although there have been some irrational outbursts of hate towards each over the years, it has never been too serious. If this is the only symptom of the Disorder we have, then I believe we can indeed overcome it easily enough. It is surely just a matter of ensuring that Harry and I do not engage in a relationship, that isn't purely based on friendship, and none of the other problems will become a concern."
"If only it were that simple Severus. Given how your relationship had progressed so rapidly over such a short period of time, I now believe the power of a soul bond has never been fully understood, and indeed has been sorely underestimated by the wizarding world. I also believe that your hate of each other has not been the only symptom of separation anxiety." Albus opened a large old tome that had been sitting beside him on his desk and paused before speaking again,
"Can I read the symptoms of S.A.D to you?"
They both nodded, Harry wasn't sure if he could take in much more, but would try and listen for a bit longer. He wished Hermione were here, she would remember all this.
The Professor pushed up his spectacles onto the bridge of his nose and commenced reading.
"Separation Anxiety Disorder is characterised by recurrent excessive distress in the form of fear, anger or confusion when the sufferer is separated from their partner. This is coupled with an irrational, excessive worry about possible harm or death having befallen said partner. There is also a severe disruption of sleep, when their partner is not close, with headaches and nightmares commonplace."
"Bloody Hell Headmaster! So are you saying it has been this anxiety disorder that has made me have headaches and nightmares, since I came to Hogwarts, not a connection to Voldemort?"
"Yes I think it explains the majority, although the reason you experience pain when Severus is called, is due to your mind and soul bond. There are two dreams however that don't fall in to this category, and these dreams do indicate a connection to Voldemort, but all the rest are a result of the bond. Indeed, you are not the only one to have been suffering strange disturbing dreams I believe Harry. It also explains the lengths Severus has gone to, over the years, to ensure your safety. It may indeed also explain your irrational fear and concerns over Severus' whereabouts and saftey this morning".
Both of the younger wizards let out a long breath as the realisation of the truth in what the Headmaster was telling them hit home.
"What I think we are facing here, is that because your souls have been separated for so long, when they recognised each other 5 years ago, they became extremely distressed and have been desperately trying to reconnect ever since. However this is where your unique situation makes things complicated. Although you didn't have any previous love or expectations of each other, minimising the conscious symptoms, neither did you have any knowledge of the bond, so it went ignored. As I explained briefly yesterday, the time you spent in Occlumency lessons reconnected not only your souls and minds to each other; it created a connection internally between the subconscious emotions of the soul and the conscious awareness of your mind. Since the brief connection of your souls appeased them somewhat, the internal connection allowed the deep yearning of the soul to be in each others' presence come through to conscious awareness. This is why I was not surprised that you have both been drawn to each other since these lessons. I had hoped that level of closeness you are both now seeking, would come somewhat later, after a period of working together heal the damage to the soul, minimising the risk of negative emotions from any unmet expectations. However when I witnessed you both holding and comforting each other yesterday, I realised then, we were possibly in for more of a bumpy ride, to coin a muggle phrase."
"So what do we do now Headmaster? You said we are unlikely to be able to go back and change the direction our relationship to one of just friendship, but surely if we just take things very slowly then it won't be too difficult to not form any expectations of the other, even if we are together as more than just friends" Harry was frustrated that he found himself in yet another difficult situation that he had no control over.
"Harry, you clearly feel that you want to continue pursuing an intimate relationship with Severus; however my only suggestion at the moment, to keep you both safe, is for you to try and build a friendship only for the time being. I think that you do not truly understand what it is you ask for, or are indeed are ready to have. Until you do, friendship is the only way"
"But, I thought you said it was only to be expected for us to be drawn to each other in this way and it was what the bond wanted. So how, by not giving in to the bond, will help it heal?"
"Giving in to the bond, Harry, will help the soul heal but the conscious emotions attached to doing so, for both of you at this time, could prove disastrous."
"Thank you Albus" Severus said quietly. He was grateful to this old man for telling Harry this and not leaving it to him, he was sure Harry would see it as another rejection if he had to do so.
"Surely if we were together, and both of us wanted it, then this would make us both happy and the negative emotions of separation would be countered, and if we go slowly we wouldn't build any expectations of the other." He had been with Cho and Ginny for a few months each and he never had any expectations of them he thought.
Albus sighed in a sad long breath. "Harry you are a wise, intelligent and powerful young wizard that has lived many lifetimes in your 16 years. In most areas of life you are equivalent if not better than an average wizard twice your age. However in the realms of intimate relationships, you are only a 16 year old teenager. I don't mean these words in any derogatory manner, so don't look so hurt by them, but I really do believe you don't know what it is you are asking for in wanting to embark on a relationship with Severus"
"There is clearly something I am missing and maybe that make you beleive I am inexperienced in such things, but don't treat me like I am stupid. Please just enlighten me!" Harry said irritably. He was angry at being made to feel like a stupid little boy with a crush on his teacher.
Albus raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner at Severus, who sighed and stood.
"Harry I think maybe you and I need to talk about this. I would be more comfortable doing so with you alone but I can only do so if you promise to listen and not try to go beyond friendship while we talk. If at the end of our conversation, you still wish to be with me intimately, we will need to speak with Albus further, but I doubt that will be the case."
Harry nodded and stood also.
"I accept you would rather discus this alone Severus, and I do understand why, but I implore you to do so here so I can be on hand should either of you need me. We need to exercise caution as this will be very emotive discussion for both of you and needs to be handled with care."
At that Dumbledore rose and climbed the staircase to his main private quarters. He turned at the top and looked down at his boys.
"Please use my sitting room, it will be more comfortable in there for you and allow for uninterrupted time together. You can never tell who may knock at my door next" and with that he disappeared.
"Well we can either stay as he wants or leave and I will meet you in my rooms in ½ and hour" Severus said dryly. He was obviously not sure about the privacy afforded here and a bit anxious about the forth coming discussion.
"It is maybe best if we stay here Severus. If I have to just listen and not be able to touch you, then there is maybe more chance of that if we are here rather than your private rooms"
"That didn't stop you yesterday Harry"
"Oh come on that were just a friendly comforting hug Severus and a lot less than I wanted at the time"
"Very well, shall we get this over with" Severus said as he headed into the Headmasters sitting room.
Severus sat on the easy chair, that the Headmaster had occupied the previous day, but pulled it closer to the two-seater couch so they could face each other comfortably, their knees not quite touching.
Once they were both seated and comfortable, it was Harry that spoke first, which surprised Severus out of his thoughts on how to approach this matter.
"Severus, I want to apologise if I made the wrong decision regarding informing Professor Dumbledore about us sharing what we have. I can assure you, I gave him no details other than that we had kissed, which has only been on 3 occasions and he already knew about one. He asked for information on the when, where and why of each encounter and I explained about each time briefly, but not about any of our conversations or what you have told me. In fact I never answered the why part at all. I want you to know that I will never betray anything about you, or anything you tell me, to anyone, not even the Headmaster."
"Harry there really is no reason to apologise for telling Albus. He really did need to know. It is I that should apologise for what I said however. It was uncalled for and hurtful thing to say."
"Yeah it was a bit!" Harry replied, with a smile that let Severus know he accepted his apology.
"Severus? Can I say something, before you tell me what it is you seem to think I don't understand about what I am asking of you?"
Severus nodded and looked into those deep emerald green eyes. He was overwhelmed by a feeling of wanting to protect this young man, to hold him close and never let anything ever hurt him.
Harry shifted slightly in his seat before beginning.
"I know both you and the headmaster believe that I do not know what I am asking for, when I push you for a more intimate relationship. Granted, I did not realise that it would cause increased anxiety and stress and therefore increase the emotions surrounding Separation Anxiety and all that. But neither did you, which leads me to the conclusion that whatever it is you believe I don't understand has nothing to do with our bond at all. So, I am going to talk about this, without involving the complicating matter of Separation Anxiety, because I believe it is important we understand what it is we both want, without this in the way. If we can work out that, then we will be half way there in solving this situation. It is only then, we can begin to discuss the things that pose a problem in achieving our wishes, firstly the personal ones and lastly how to overcome the issues of Separation Anxiety. I also appreciate that you and I might want different things from our relationship, but we also need to know that now, so we can work on coming to a mutually agreeable solution we can both be at peace with, since we can't exactly walk away from each other and forget the other exists. We could maybe try, but I doubt that would set us up for very happy lives."
Severus was impressed with this young man in front of him. He may be sexually inexperienced but naive and stupid he was not. He so very much wanted to pull Harry into his lap and hold him tight and never let him go. Something clicked in Severus' jaded mind. He realised this wasn't about sex at all really, in fact it had little to do with it. He had never had a loving, caring relationship in his life and the concept was foreign to him, the closest he had come to anything remotely caring was his friendship with this boys Mum, but he couldn't think about that just now.
Harry had summoned the house elf Dobby, during Severus' thoughts and ordered some sandwiches, treacle tarts and pumpkin juice for lunch. He then continued when the elf had left.
"So, what is it I want? Severus I am only 16 and I had believed, up until very recently, that maybe one day, after the war, I would maybe meet someone I could trust and love enough to form a relationship with, but to be honest I have not given these things much thought. I had not yet met anyone that I wanted to be with. So in a way you and Dumbledore are correct, I am inexperienced, and probably very naive, about relationships in general and certainly about ones between two Wizards. However I am not the stupid little boy you both made me feel in there just now. I am fully aware of what two people do when they are in an intimate relationship together. I know that it is to this that you both are referring when you say I don't know what it is I am asking for. Until we kissed yesterday in class I had never initiated a kiss with another man before and had I overly thought about it prior to doing so I would have been a bit scared and apprehensive, not because it was you but because it was a new and different experience. As it turned out, I didn't think about it at all as events overtook us. The desire and need were such, that it didn't scare me at all, but because you and Professor Dumbledore have insisted that I think about what it is I am asking of you, I am now a little scared of ever having sex with you. I know you think that because I have probably never had sex before I am not ready to take on an adult sexual relationship with an older experienced man. However I believe that if we had been able to just let things run their natural course and the desire and need had been sufficient then yes, we would have ended up having sex and I would be very happy about it. Not a little scared and apprehensive as I am now. I would prefer it if we got to know each other a little better first before taking our relationship that far, however I do ultimately want that with you. I know there will be problems and hurdles to overcome, not just regarding the bond, but also our previous dislike for each other, but you make me feel safe and whole Severus, and I never want to be without you. In short I do know what it is I ask and this is truly what I want."
Harry felt he had managed to say what he wanted to fairly well and hoped that Severus would see he was being genuine.
Severus sat looking at this amazing young man and wondered how he could have possibly been so wrong about him. Yes he was an irritating Gryffindor at times, but then so was his Slythrins at times. He marvelled at his clarity of thought, reasoning and clear understanding of what he wanted.
There was a loud pop which made Severus startle out his thoughts. Harry spoke with the elf that had just returned bringing tray of food from the Great Hall, thanking him he set the tray on the table beside them. Harry poured two glasses of pumpkin juice and handed one to Severus.
"Don't even know if you like this stuff, sorry I should have asked"
Severus let out a true belly laugh at this and the sound surprised Harry and made him smile a big dopey grin.
"What's so funny about pumpkin juice?" Harry said still smiling.
"It's not the pumpkin juice Harry, it's the fact we are sitting here talking about having sex and you don't even know whether I like bloody pumpkin juice! Sorry I have a very dry sense of humour"
Harry chuckled at the strangeness of their situation.
"Well? Do you like pumpkin juice?"
"Yes very much" Severus replied still chuckling slightly.
"Well that's good, but I am not sure I will ever be able to say pumpkin juice without other connotations being associated to it now!"
"Oh dear, that could interesting, since it is the staple drink in the Great Hall." Severus coughed and stopped laughing but still had a smile on his face.
"Sorry I am being very silly; you could say I am not my usual self at the moment."
After a brief pause Severus looked into those wonderful eyes of green again and began.
"Harry in the last two days you have really astounded me in your maturity and I think you are correct. Albus and I have underestimated your ability to understand what it is you want and your ability to see the difficulties this posses. As for me Harry, the last two days have been the most difficult and challenging I think I have ever faced, but also they have given me something I truly thought I would ever understand let alone have. It was only whilst you were talking that I realised I have wrongly focussed on the problems a sexual relationship with you would cause me and not the benefits a caring relationship would bring. I realise now, that there are more aspects to an intimate relationship than just the physical. I have always known this in my heart Harry, but since it is not something I have ever experienced, I have never really understood it. I am sadly not innocent and inexperienced sexually; I cannot even term anything I have ever had in the past, as a relationship. With regards to intimate caring relationships. I am much more inexperienced than you it seems and that scares me. I have no idea how to act or behave in such a relationship."
Severus paused and took a drink of the offered juice.
"I am worried that it is only the bond making you feel the way you apparently do about me, that you would have never contemplated being with me otherwise. I am concerned that because of this, we can never have a solid foundation of mutual trust and respect on which to base a relationship, since that is normally built in marriage, before a bond of this nature occurs. I am worried about hurting you. There are some things I have been tasked with this year, which I must carry out, that will make you hate me and it will hurt you if we are together. I am frightened I cannot control my physical desire for you and push you too far too soon. You are not yet 17 which would make a full sexual relationship with you illegal, in the wizarding world at least. You have no idea how much I wanted you to stay with me last night when you asked. It was actually painful for me to turn you away, but I had to because there is no way I could have given you what you asked, which was to just lie, in my arms, and sleep. It would be impossible to have had you in my bed and to just sleep Harry. I am sorry if that sounds as though I am uncontrolled in the baser instincts but that is all I have ever known. My list of concerns and worries are longer than yours Harry and I am sorry I if they have upset you, however, as for what I want. I want to take care of you and protect you. I want to learn to love you, as you deserve to be loved. I want to hold you when you have any pain and rescue you when you run headlong into dangerous situations. I want you and need you in my life and can't believe I have only recognised this fact."
Once again Harry had tears streaming down his face he felt so at peace and cared for.
Severus leaned forward in his seat and captured Harry face in his hands and gently wiped away the tears. Giving in to his wish to protect and hold the young man he pulled the young man over to him and sat him on his lap. Harry wrapped his arms around his waist and curled up with his head over the strong rhythmic beating of Severus' heart.
"We can work this out together I am sure of it Severus. We have to". Harry murmmered into the mans chest.
A/N Thanks to everyone for their support, especially to Sheankelor and AlmondWithUnicornHair for their reviews! Wow you guys made my day when I read them Hope this chapter isn't too much of a disappointment. Things will pick up a bit after a couple of more chapters...promise! x