Warnings: Strong language and Male/male sexual adult content please don't read if you don't like

Chapter 11 – Unable to sleep

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams." Dr Seuss

Sensation slowly filtered though a sleepy fog, as Severus started rouse. He could feel a weight on his chest. Bile rose threateningly from his gut. He had had this dream too often and knew it always ended with him wakening, screaming, vomiting and unable to clear the horrific images. As his heart rate started picking up, he tried to force himself to waken; to fight the dream.

Something was different this time, he realised. The weight on his chest was moving, caressing, kissing, sucking. It wasn't a cold dead weight.

Severus had suffered nightmares practically every night for 15 years as his mind replayed the same scene, over and over.

Seeing the body of his friend Lily, lying contorted in a pile of rubble, eyes open staring at him. Picking up, the still warm but dead form in his arms; cradling, to the sounds of a child's cry; detaching himself as the body grew cold in the winter chill that whipped through the ruined house, enveloping his heart; wrapping the scarred and crying infant in his robes; pressing the small warm body hard against his; looking into innocent, trusting, emerald green eyes as they gazed up and burned holes in his mind.

The child's eyes had been the only thing that had changed over the years. During the last five years to be precise. Innocent trust had been replaced with a deep angry hatred.

As the soft, light kisses reached lower Severus pulled himself, as if drugged, out of sleep but the sensations did not stop.

Opening his eyes slightly, still not sure if he was awake, he was greeted by those eyes once again but they were filled with desire and yearning. He let out a shocked grunt and froze.

"Mornin' couldn't sleep" Harry said voice heavy with arousal, as he retraced the damp trail of kisses with his tongue back upward, whilst continuing to gaze into dark inky depths. As he reached those thin but incredibly soft lips, Harry nudged at them with his tongue, seeking access. Severus didn't respond.

Pushing up slightly on his elbow, Harry looked down and frowned slightly.

"Are you ok Sev?"

"Don't call me Sev" Severus growled as he snapped out his frozen dreamlike state and jumped out of bed abruptly, leaving a space for cold air to rush under the covers and surround Harry.

Flopping back onto the bed Harry groaned at the loss of contact and heat

"Oh I am sorry Sir. Which title would you prefer I address you, at 2am, whilst in your bed half naked?" Harry said half jokingly but with obvious irritation creeping into his voice.

Severus stopped in his tracks just before reaching the door that led the bathroom, but didn't dare turn around.

"Anything. Just not Sev. Go back to sleep" and with that he took the last step toward the bathroom and disappeared inside.

Harry lay watching the retreating figure in dismay. He had called him Sev a few times yesterday after Hermione had thought he had used the nickname, he liked it.

Severus knelt in front of the toilet on the cold stone floor, head in his hands. His mind was frozen with the burnt-in image of the infant green eyes filled with trust. The bile began to rise into his throat as he wretched. After a while, his stomach calmed but he remained kneeling in front of the bowl, head resting against the cold hard wall to the side. Tears stung his eyes, he wasn't sure if they had come from all the dry heaving or from the guilt and despair he felt. What had he done to the innocent child in his dream? What had he done to Harry.

The door to the bathroom creaked open as Harry entered. Severus didn't move but was aware of arms circling around his waist and a warm body pressing into his cold shivering back.

"Come back to bed Severus" Harry whispered.

Harry slowly helped the usually strong, proud man to his feet, dismayed to feel waves of sadness radiating from him.

As they made their way to the bed, Severus stopped and turned his gaze to look once again into those amazing eyes.

"Harry, go back to your dormitory, this is a mistake"

Harry felt as though someone had punched him in the gut

"Severus, please don't spoil tonight. I know you are sick but I want to stay and look after you."

"I am not sick Harry. Not in the way you think anyway. Please just go. We will talk later." Severus said sadly.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not until you can tell me why you are so sad. You know I can feel it; I just can't work out why calling you Sev, would cause such an emotion. I am sorry if I upset you, I won't use it again. I promise" Harry was getting a bit upset himself. They had worked so hard at getting their relationship to this point. He wasn't going to start going backwards now. He knew Severus brought a lot more emotional baggage to this than he did, but he wanted to get past all that.

"Harry I can't do this to you. You deserve much better."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself for Merlin's sake! I know this is all weird and a bit fucked up really considering how much you hated me. Oh is that? You actually still hate me really, but the bond is pushing you in the opposite direction. Seeing me kiss you and rub myself against you made you sick! Is that it? You couldn't hide your disgust when still asleep!"

Harry's anger had once again started bubbling at the frustration of feeling such negative emotions in Severus.

"No Harry. That's not it. I have never hated you. Not really. Not in my heart. Not in the bit that remains just me and not influenced by the anguish of my soul. You don't get it do you? Have you ever asked yourself why I was there that night, the night your parents were killed? Do you ever stop to wonder why the hell I put myself through the Death Eater meetings and torture sessions? Do you think I enjoy it? Do you think I want to be in that evil bastard's presence once a month? Do you really understand why I was a git to you all these years? You think that was the bond, don't you? Or just an act I put on in front of Death eater children? Well it wasn't just that! It was the only way I knew how to treat you, to hide the pain of looking into your eyes and remembering how I killed you Mother and ruined your life!"

"Severus please calm down, we can work through this" Harry was getting a bit worried about the level Severus emotions were reaching. It wouldn't take much to set his anger off completely and that would be disastrous.

"I have tried Harry I can't do this anymore. I can't do this to you!"

Severus slumped down onto the edge of the bed, feeling Harry's fear and anxiety about his emotions and tried to calm down.

"We can do this, I want us to do this; you know, in that bit of my heart that is just mine?, that bit has never hated you either. I want you. I haven't asked you these questions Severus because I know why you do it. "

"You can't know Harry, you have no idea"

"Severus I know you loved my Mum. I saw your memories, remember? I know you hated my Dad. He seemed a right prick in what I saw, so I am not surprised. But he also took away the only person that showed you any care. I know you feel like you betrayed her. I think you have wanted to protect me and care for me as some sort of retribution to your guilt."

Severus had snapped his head up at the mention of his Mother and his whole body went rigid.

"You can't keep going with these feelings of guilt Severus. You didn't kill my Mum. You didn't try to kill me. You put your trust in the wrong person. You made a mistake. My parent put their trust in the wrong person too. They made a mistake."

Tears started rolling down the pale skin behind a curtain of black hair, as Severus hung his head.

"It changes nothing Harry; my mistake ruined your life. My mistake is why you have suffered what you have, in your short life and why you will suffer untold more, before its end. I do not deserve to have you in my life and I certainly do not deserve you in my bed"

Severus's heart broke thinking about how short this man's life would be. He knew he would more than likely die too when Harry's soul departed this world. He knew it would take his with it, but he didn't care about his own death, he just wanted to give Harry everything he could in the time he had left. He wanted him to be happy and he knew he couldn't make him happy.

"I plan on winning this war Severus and I plan on you helping me. I have no intention of being the one to die, that evil bastard will. I need you. I can't do this alone. I need to know we will be together at the end. To have something that is worth living for."

Severus sat in silence feeling the emotion of the words Harry said, he knew he meant them from the heart.

Harry made his way toward the slumped figure and pushed the silky curtain of hair back from the drawn, pale face, capturing it in his hands whilst he straddled Severus's lap.

"I love you, Severus." He said before pressing warm lips against the cold shivering ones.

Severus gasped, allowing Harry's tongue entry to the warm cavern.

The kiss was gentle and tender. Harry hadn't wanted to tell Severus how he truly felt. Not yet anyway and not like this but he needed to make him see that he couldn't leave him now.

When they broke apart Severus looked at him in awe and wonder.

"Harry" His voice breaking on the name "How can you?"

"I just do, you just need to believe me" Harry pushed the older man back gently onto the bed and covered the cold body beneath him with his own.

Severus gave in to the sensation of being loved. He knew he didn't deserve it. Not from anyone and certainly not from this young man but he couldn't refuse it.

Strong arms wrapped round Harry's back and pulled him into a tight embrace as they shuffled back under the covers.

Harry could feel Severus warm up as his cock twitched against his thigh. His own was pressing needily into the muscled abdomen beneath him. Their kiss quickly became more passionate as Severus moved Harry onto his back but they never once lost full body contact. The movement caused more friction against Harry's cock and he groaned in pleasure.

Severus broke the kiss and looked down at his lover with a questioning look. Harry stared straight back at him and gave a quick, almost imperceptible nod, as he closed his eyes and bucked his hips into the flesh above him letting him know he wanted this.

Running his hands down the toned flesh of Harry's chest, he leaned down, gently biting at the tanned flesh just under Harry's ear before licking and sucking at the marks his teeth had left. Harry groaned louder and erratically thrust his hips into Severus stomach. Severus moved his hands lower and pinned the narrow hips down as he continued biting and sucking as he moved down over the tight almost hairless chest. He captured the nub of a nipple into his mouth and sucked hard, flicking the end of his tongue over it before giving the other one the same treatment. Groans of pleasure came from above him and he could feel the strong rhythmic beat of Harry's heart increase to match his own. Severus opened his eyes briefly and looked up from his ongoing exploration of the body pinned beneath him, to witness the most erotic sight he had ever seen. Harry had his eyes closed and was straining his head back against the bed, mouth open in a pleasured sigh. He could feel the tense muscles beneath him fight against the restraining hands at his hips. He was painfully aware how hard his own cock had become as he involuntary rubbed himself against harry leg. He must stay in control of this, he thought as he growled, trying to focus and remain restrained.

"Please Severus" Harry said.

"Are you sure you know what it is you ask Harry?" Severus asked in slow silky tones.

"Tell me what you want" he continued between slow bites and licks to his abdomen.

"Touch me" Harry panted as he renewed his effort to thrust against Severus body.

Maintaining light pressure against the hard cock which was now pressing into Severus's chest, he slowly worked his way down Harry's body, kissing and licking every inch of the soft young flesh that was within his reach, while still holding down the straining hips. He traced the line of hair, that ran beneath the thin night trousers Harry wore, with his tongue and grabbed the narrow piece of silk, that had been tied in a bow at the waist, with his teeth and undid it. Continuing to use his mouth and teeth, he pushed the waistband lower, uncovering the tip of Harry's thick pulsing cock. He quickly flicked his tongue over the leaking slit; tasting him.

"Fuck" Harry almost growled.

"Tell me to stop Harry if it's too much too soon"

Harry growled louder and tried to buck his hips, in frustration.

"Please Sev...erus, now! Touch me...now... you git!"

Severus smirked at the desperation in Harry's voice. He could feel it. In a strange way, knowing how desperate and close Harry was to losing it, helped him control his own desire. He wanted to give everything to this young aroused man and not take anything in return.

Pulling the front of the overly big silk trousers down further with his teeth Severus uncovered all of Harry's straining, engorged cock and balls and nuzzled and licked in the warm hair covering his scrotum before slowly licking up the protruding vein on the underside of the wonderfully hard encouraged member.

"Oh my fucking God Severus!" Harry shouted between panting breaths.

Severus stopped and looked up to meet the gaze of wild, pleading green eyes. Yes he really does want this Severus realised, before licking teasingly at the leaking slit again. With a smile and a raised eyebrow he paused.

"Severus I... can't take... much more...please! " Harry stuttered out, as his eyes rolled before closing them and dropping his head back onto the pillow.

Severus opened his mouth and slowly eased the tip of Harry's cock into his mouth, running his tongue around the groove and over the slit.

Harry became frantic in his fight with the hands still pinning his hips down.

Severus slowly released the cock from his mouth and gently said,

"Try not to fight me Harry, don't force it, just relax and trust me"

Harry let out a painful sounding growl but did manage to control is frantic thrusting, slightly.

Severus set back to work; mind focussed only on giving this amazing man everything he could. His own need and straining cock was becoming almost painfully trapped between him and Harry's leg, but he still ignored it.

Taking Harry back into his mouth, he descended slowly using his tongue to increase pressure as he went. Opening his throat he took in the whole length and gently rubbed his chin against the scrotum beneath. Harry felt and smelt wonderful. He could feel his aching need for release and hummed gently around his mouthful.

"Fuuuuck" Harry screamed

Severus couldn't help give a small smile in recognition of what Harry was experiencing before bringing his head up back to the ridge and flicking his tongue round before plunging back down.

Harry had laced his fingers through Severus's hair and was urging him on trying to set the pace. But Severus maintained the overall control and kept a steady but slow movement up before thusting back down hard. It didn't take long before Severus felt Harry go tense and strain against him. He thruted down one more time and resumed gentle humming around his mouthful as Harry forcefully came in a scream. Severus continued pumping him, as waves of Harry's seed spilled into his mouth and down his throat, never stopping the low hum. Finally the sweat soaked body beneath him slumped boneless into the bed, unconscious.

Severus quickly released the now soft cock and crawled up the bed. Harry regained consciousness quickly and stared wide eye at the smirking man beside him"

"Are you sure you knew what it was you asked for?" Severus said almost laughing.

"Holy fucking crap Sev why the fuck have we not being doing that all term!"

"We shouldn't have done it now either, if the alarm that has been screaming for the last ½ hour is anything to go by"

Harry became aware that it wasn't his ears that were ringing from what he had just experienced but a screeching sound filled the room.

"What the hell is that?"

"Albus's ward no doubt"

"Oh shit!"Harry said glancing round the room.

"He didn't come in here and see us did he?"

"I may have heard him floo in a bit earlier but I warded the bedroom door against the old coot. The bedroom door is the only door a Professor can stop the meddling old man gaining access through"

"But he might have heard me screaming like a bloody girl! And does he have to know every fucking thing about my life! Merlin!"

"Was it not worth it?" Severus said trying to kiss away the irritation in Harry voice.

"Bloody right it was!" He replied with laugh "I think I blacked out or something though. How embarrassing"

"You can't surely find that embarrassing with me Harry. Not now anyway. I can assure you it's a fairly well known phenomenon "la petite mort" I believe it is reffered to, meaning 'little death'."

"Merlin, you're not wrong, I thought I was going to die!" Harry confessed as he threw a shaky leg over Severus's body.

The older man was still aroused and flinched slightly at the slightly painful sensation in his balls as Harry brushed against them.

Harry looked at him worriedly

"Oh I'm sorry. Eh I think it is your turn!" his eyes glinting in a playful apology.

"No Harry, not this time."

"But Sev I want to, oh sorry I mean Severus" Harry flinched at his slip of using the shortened version of the man's name.

Severus scowled "I think I can let you call me that, but never in front of anyone else. Understood?"

"Great! The name suits you. Sooooo, come on Sev..." Harry said mischievously "...what would you like me to do to you?"

"Harry please. I am fine, just let's just try to get another few hours of sleep before breakfast, alright?"

"But you're not fine; I can feel you're not fine" Harry said rubbing his leg against the hardness in Severus's groin with a cheeky grin.

"I will be fine if you stop doing that, you intolerable brat!"

Severus growled, whilst pushing Harry over onto his other side and curling round his back.

"Let's just sleep for a bit"

The alarm stopped abruptly to sighs of relief, as they both lay silently in a tight embrace. Neither of them did find sleep but Severus felt some of his guilt lift, as he held the now adult form of the child he had once rescued.

A/N Ok I said I wasn't going to update for a few days , but just had to do a quick chapter in my lunch break to give our boys some fun . I know it is short and I haven't read it for errors etc so hope it reads ok. I plan on proof reading the whole 11 chapters over the next few days and correcting some of the more obvious mistakes. I maybe should get a beta? Anyway I hope you enjoyed it and as always let me know what you think... things going too fast? Too slow? Are you enjoying it? Does the plot and theories of soul sharing make sense? Could you watch the film and kind of see this happening "off camera" so to speak? Anyway must go and at least try do some work! x