Warnings - Mature adult content of male/male sexual relationship, language and implied child abuse but nothing graphic.
Chapter 12 - Love and Hate
"Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will! Where shall we dine?—O me! What fray was here? Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. Here's much to do with hate but more with love. Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate, O anything of nothing first created! O heavy lightness, serious vanity, Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms! Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health, Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is! This love feel I, that feel no love in this. Dost thou not laugh?" – Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.
Severus slipped out of bed early. Neither he nor Harry had managed to get back to sleep. Instead they had dosed on and off in a peaceful comfort of tangled legs and hands and gentle caresses.
"Sev it's still too early to get up..." Harry yawned "...and we have some unfinished business I want to attend to first." Harry said opening his eyes slightly, a mischievous grin playing over his tired features.
"Harry it's only an hour or so until breakfast and we both need to shower. I can't go looking like this," indicating the ruffled mess of black hair and unshaven face.
Harry growled "Oh Merlin I think you look bloody perfect like that" his eyes filling with lust.
Severus snorted "I also smell of you, I don't think Albus or Professor McGonagall would appreciate the look or the smell at breakfast"
"I'm having a shower with you then. You are not getting away from me that easily."
"Harry, please not this morning." Severus said gently.
Harry jumped out of bed ignoring Severus's objections. The older man darted into the bathroom and warded the door, before the horny teenager could reach him, to the sound of his indignant cries.
Severus shook his head with a small smile. He never thought in a million years he would be turning down an offer of sexual gratification from a handsome young man, who actually seemed to really want to be with him, the morning after the night before. Stepping into the shower, he let the torrents of warm water flow over his body and wash away the intoxicating smell that was a unique mixture of his own and Harry's.
Replaying the events of the previous night, he became more and more aroused as the glorious images flirted through his mind. Tight young body, quivering with desire and pleasure, lying under his own; his face held between muscular thighs as they tensed and gripped his neck and shoulders; slowly moving up and down the thick throbbing length of an engorged cock with his mouth; feeling the hot powerful release enter him in spurts, filling up his heart and soul.
He curled his fingers round his own, now rock hard cock and closed his eyes, focussing on the one image that had almost sent him over the edge the previous night; Harry pushing his head back into the pillows, neck muscles taut, green eyes filled with pleading desire, rolling back in their sockets, wet lips parting, as they emitted groans of pleasure as waves of release hit.
"He's turning me into a bloody hormone addled teenager" he muttered to himself as he slowly started pumping his length.
He had been taking care of himself this way every morning and every night since the beginning of term. It was the only way he managed to get through each day without leaning over Harry's desk in his DADA class and taking what he wanted right there, in front of his students and Harry's classmates. It was going to be more difficult today if he couldn't stop these images, of a naked aroused Harry, jumping through his head every time he saw him. There was only a few days left of the term he realised, he just needed to keep hold of his control until then. The Christmas Holiday might help him cool down a bit he hoped.
Losing control was Severus's biggest fear on two accounts.
Firstly, he didn't want to end up roughly taking Harry the way he had done with many men and a few woman, in the past. It was the only type of sex he had ever known. After Lily died, he had allowed his body to be used, before turning into the one doing the using. All these pairing were meaningless and desperate, for both parties involved, and had left him feeling more lonely and empty than before. Secondly, he was scared of opening up to anyone, of being laid bare and vulnerable to rejection and ridicule. He trusted no-one and did not believe he was deserving of love, especially not by Harry bloody Potter.
Harry had only tried a few basic unlocking spells to gain access to the bathroom and was surprised when the door silently clicked open. He thought that Severus mustn't have really wanted to keep him out, whether that had been a conscious choice or not, Harry didn't care. He was determined to end their evening together a bit less one-sided. He had to even things out a little. He wanted Severus to come screaming, as he had done. He needed to get the man to relax and just be himself. He had felt an anxiety, that was almost verging on fear, radiating through the bond last night and again this morning, when he had made it clear he wanted to reciprocate the amazing orgasm he had experienced; although he knew he would need some practice if he was ever going to get that confident at sucking someone off! He didn't understand Sev's fear completely, but had a fair idea it was born of guilt and low self esteem and he was not going to let it continue.
As he pushed the bathroom door open slowly, the sight that greeted him took his breath away. Of course he had seen Sev completely naked after the Death Eater meeting, but never since. That thought made him even more determined to get his lover to relax and accept their relationship as an equal two-way thing, not as something he could use to pay-back an imaginary debt. The glorious naked form before him was leaning forward slightly, steadying itself with one hand against the wall in front; water cascaded down over the pale scarred skin and black silky hair, obscuring the face in a thick curtain.
Wow Sev is truly stunning to look at Harry thought, as his cock sprung to life. Harry continued to watch as Severus started stroking himself slowly. Oh no he bloody well doesn't! Harry thought with a smile. That is my job. Quickly breaking his awed staring at the erotic sight, he crawled over to the shower and knelt at the man's feet. He looked up under the blanket of wet hair to see Severus's eyes closed in concentration, mouth open slightly in a groan that he couldn't hear for the sound of water crashing against the stone walls and floor. Harry's hand flew instinctively to his own cock as it throbbed, giving it a tight squeeze at the base. Merlin he could come right now just watching Sev doing this to himself but he wasn't going to let that happen. Keeping his eyes open and fixed on the amazing face above him, he leant forward and captured the head of Severus's cock in his mouth on a slow down stroke of the man's hand, quickly running his tongue around the exposed engorged ridge. Severus's eyes flew open in a grunt and pulled harshly away, stumbling backwards until his back hit the stone wall behind him, gasping.
Severus's face contorted in shock and anger.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing? Is it too difficult for your pea-sized brain to grasp the intricacies of the word NO! Get the fuck out, you arrogant, presumptuous, stupid little shit! NOW!"
Harry scrambled to his feet, as the feeling of rage built in Severus; he thanked Merlin both their wands were out of reach. He had no doubt that the angry, scowling man advancing on him, would be able to cast an unforgivable at him in his current state and mean it. He could feel his own anger build at the horrible words that had come out the mouth that had been wrapped around his cock just a few hours ago.
"Severus, don't do this..."
Severus grabbed his arm roughly, bruising him and threw him toward the door.
"GET...OUT!"
Harry let out a sob of despair as he opened the door. He was angry but his heart ached more.
He staggered out of the bathroom, naked, dripping wet and shivering, straight into the arms of the Headmaster and the sound of the alarm shrieking around him.
He let out a startled scream before breaking down into gasping sobs.
The headmaster waved his hand and conjured a large bath towel and wrapped it around him. The alarm silenced.
"Get dressed Harry and go to breakfast. I will speak with you later". Harry darted over to the bed, where his clothes had been discarded on the floor the night before, and dressed quickly. He cast a very quick drying spell at his hair, which made it more mussed up than it had been before entering the shower.
Once dressed, he turned to look at the Headmaster, who stood with his back to him in front of the bathroom door, presumably waiting on Severus to emerge.
"Professor?" Harry said quietly, still fighting back tears.
Albus turned to face Harry and took in the dishevelled mess of a boy in front of him who was currently looking at his feet.
"Yes Harry"
"This all my fault, please don't ask me to explain what happened, because I won't, this is very much between just Severus and I. We can sort it out, ourselves, I am sure of it. But..."
Harry paused, took a deep breath as if to summon the courage to say what he wanted and looked up into the tired blue eyes of his long term mentor.
"...I need you to leave us alone. I want you to remove the ward on us. We can't just be friends, we tried but we want to be more than that. We can't go on like this, with you watching our every move. I know you mean well Sir, but I know what I want. In muggle Britain the legal age for consent in all relationships is 16 and I'm even older that that inside, even you said so yourself. I would like you to understand but if you can't then please just accept that we are together."
Harry looked back down at his feet letting out another sigh. The Headmaster remained silent.
"Professor, I love Severus. I know we have many things to work out and overcome, but you constantly monitoring us, is making it more difficult. Don't you think we deserve a little privacy and peace before this war really kicks off? Severus certainly does after all he has sacrificed in his life. Please let us be".
Harry looked up again as he finished speaking, his eyes flew to the doorway behind the old man which was now open. Severus stood rigidly in its frame.
"The ward is lifted, please treat each other well. You do both deserve some happiness and I hope you find it. My door will always be open, should you ever require it." Albus said quietly and a bit resignedly.
"Severus can I see you for a quick chat after breakfast."
Harry heard Dumbledore's words, but did not respond as he was locked in a gaze with the shocked expression of the man he loved.
"Severus" Harry began after the headmaster had left.
"Please Harry, just go. We will talk later" Severus had hung his head as he spoke and would not look in Harry's eyes.
"When? I am not leaving things like this" Harry pleaded.
"Soon. Now I believe you have friends to meet before they start a full scale search party as to your whereabouts" Severus's tone had changed and hardened, it broke Harry's heart a little more to hear him speak to him like this, especially when no-one else was about. He let out a sob as he turned and left the bedroom.
As he approached the door that exited onto the dungeon corridor from Severus's living room, he took out his invisibility cloak and a shot of panic ran down his spine. His Potions textbook wasn't in his pocket. He had carried the book with him all term. It had helped him feel close to Severus when they were apart and he believed it had helped him overcome some of his separation anxiety when they couldn't spend time together. Now he didn't have it.
"Fuck" he swore as he retreated back into the sitting room, glancing around trying to see if it was there; although he knew it couldn't be. It was either back in Sev's office, where it might have fallen out of his pocket when he had collapsed on the sofa, or it was in the bedroom he had just come from. Gathering up all his courage he knocked on the bedroom door.
"Enter" a stern voice Harry remembered from days gone by, came to him through the door.
Opening the door slowly, he was confronted with Severus standing rigidly in full teaching robes.
"Has it completely escaped your memory that I asked you to leave? That I do not want you here, Potter?"
Harry let out a gasp as if the words had pushed all the air out his lungs.
"Well?" Severus spat out.
"I... emmm...have lost my... ermmm potion textbook and thought it might be in here."
Severus growled "I am sure such a text would be better utilised as a door stop than in your hands as an item of learning"
Severus refused to meet Harry's gaze as he belittled him, instead they roamed the room looking for the book. His eyes widened slightly for a fleeting moment before scowling. Harry glanced over to where Severus was looking to see his book lying open on the floor beside the bed, revealing the many scrawled notes the pages held. Harry darted toward it, slammed it shut as he picked it up and turned to flee the room.
"Stop right there Potter" Severus said in a demanding tone.
Harry's guts were churning, his hurt and despair, at what had happened between them, was turning into a slow burning anger as it met and mixed with Severus's own rage.
Severus advanced on Harry, still refusing to look at him, and focussed his eyes on the book in Harry's hands.
"Let me see that book you call yours" he sneered.
Harry stuffed the book into his robe pocket.
"It is mine Sir, Professor Slughorn gave it to me because I didn't have my own" he sneered back.
Severus darted forward and pinned Harry against the wall.
"I said let me see it" Severus growled in a manner that reminded Harry of previous encounters like this with the greasy git, as both anger and hate flooded him once more.
"No, you sadistic evil bastard, are you taking a sick pleasure from ripping my heart out as well as possessing part of my soul. I fucking told you I loved you last night and you heard me tell Dumbledore the same. I must have truly lost my fucking mind. Now let me go and stay away from me you sad fuck" Harry shrugged out of the hold Severus had on his robes and fled out of the rooms.
Severus stood stunned at the way things had turned on its head. The anger bubbling in him turned sour as Harry's words hit home and broke his hard heart. He had been stupid to let the boy into his bed let alone into his heart. He should have listened to Albus and worked harder at healing the bond without going down this route.
He had recognised the old potions textbook as his own and wondered how the hell it had come into Harry's possession. Another disturbing turn of fate he thought, as he realised the danger those pages held. He had to get that book back before the dark magic, that its notes held, were unleashed unwittingly by the bloody "Chosen One" of all people.
Gathering himself together he left his rooms for breakfast, closing off his heart and mind to Harry and schooling his face into a scowl.
Harry had forgotten to don his invisibility cloak as he had exited Severus's rooms in his panic to get away. He didn't even look to see if anyone had seen him and he quite frankly, didn't care.
As he sat down with his friends in the Great Hall Hermione's eye widened "Harry are you alright? You look awful!"
Glancing down at his crumpled robes, he ran his hands over his unshaven face and through his messy hair, he realised he must look well and truly shagged. Giving Hermione a pointed look he replied.
"I'm fine just couldn't sleep, so went walking in the snow for a while. You know how my hair goes if I dry it magically".
"I wondered where the hell you were. Your bed didn't even look slept in. Maybe you would be able to sleep if you actually went to bed occasionally mate" Ron said as he looked Harry up and down. "Anyway you better sort yourself out cause I am not playing today. You will need to find another keeper. I'm sure McLaggen'll step in."
"What do you mean you're not playing Ron? Playing what?"
"Quidditch. You raving lunatic! What do you think I am talking about? It's the game against Slytherin today; don't tell me you've forgotten! You're the bloody captain! I thought that was why you couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep either, although at least I went to bed."
"Oh shit yeah of course. Eh give me a minute I better go and change, but you are playing Ron, you're not wimping out on me now." Harry jumped up and ran from the Hall straight to the Gryffindor common room and changed into his quidditch gear. "Shit, how could I have forgotten about the first game of the year!" he muttered to himself. He really needed to get his head together.
Before returning to his friends, he had managed to compose himself enough to push thoughts of Severus out his head, even if his heart still ached. Ron was still sitting at the Gryffindor table but now he looked green, as he stared at his uneaten eggs.
Luna leant over to Harry, interrupting Ron's moaning about not wanting to play, and said loud enough so they could all hear "Is that a tonic you just slipped into Ron's drink Harry?"
Harry had been fingering the small vial of liquid luck wondering whether he should use it for the game. He'd just decided, that although the game was important to him, it wasn't as important as sorting out his bond with Sev and he might need it for that now.
Harry just nodded as if he had indeed put a tonic in Ron's drink, he knew what Luna was playing at; she wasn't as crazy as she made people believe.
"Harry! Is that what I think it is?" Hermione gasped.
Harry just smiled as he pocketed the vial before she could see it was still full.
"Ron! Don't drink it, you both could get expelled for this" Hermione ordered indignantly.
Ron downed the drink and slowly gave a big smile "Right come on Harry, we have a game to win!"
Harry got up to ongoing protests from Hermione and left for the game.
Severus sat in the Slytherin stand at the Quidditch pitch not really paying attention to the match. He had met with Albus after breakfast, prepared to have his mentor look at him with disappointment and disgust; however the meeting had mainly been about school business and Draco's recent behaviour.
Albus was clearly more concerned about his pending death than the bond between him and Harry. He had requested that Severus put a tracking spell on Draco, so he could intervene when it became necessary, since he felt the boy was becoming desperate enough to use the killing curse. Albus had also informed him that he was going travelling for a bit and asked that he take over some of the Headmasters duties whilst he was away. Before Severus left however, they had discussed Harry briefly. Severus had requested that the boy be informed about his promise to end Albus' life. The old man refused, explaining that he felt it imperative that Harry not know. His reasons were two-fold; firstly he thought Harry would try and stop Severus killing him and it was crucial that Severus was not swayed by emotions. The plan must go ahead to ensure Severus's position as a trusted servant of the Dark Lord. Secondly Harry had to believe that Severus was indeed loyal to Voldemort, to enable him to focus his anger and hate on bringing an end to the war. Albus conceded that he asked too much of them both, but it was the only way he had said. Severus had left the Headmasters office without responding, in fear he would do or say something he regretted later.
He was still seething that the Headmaster of this school, could use a student as a pawn in this war, even if it was the so called chosen one. He looked up to where the Gryffindor seeker was currently hovering above the pitch. Severus couldn't feel what Harry was feeling; he had managed to erect barriers to the sharing of their emotions. He felt hollow and empty without the constant undertone of love and acceptance that Harry felt for him. Severus decided there and then that he was going to tell Harry about the plan to kill Albus and why, but not before it happened. He knew Albus was correct, Harry would try and stop it and potentially succeed but he had an idea of how he could let the boy know after the event, in an attempt to ease his pain. It was the first time Severus had decided to go against Albus' wishes; he had always done exactly what the old man had asked, but this time he had asked for too much.
As he watched the lithe form hover above the pitch, Harry turned and looked straight at him, their eyes met for a few seconds before the young man turned with a scowl and sped off. Severus's anger from this morning had faded, but he still felt a little irritated that his previous explanations, of why he found having a sexual relationship with him difficult, had not been accepted or understood. On reflection however, he knew he had handled the situation this morning badly. He could feel a deep unease in his soul and his heart ached. Their bond had been healing and growing stronger over the last 3 months 2 weeks but this morning had set them back and he didn't know how to rectify it. He couldn't even bare to look Harry in the eye, the love he saw in them mixed with the pain he had caused, unsettled him.
Ron played a blinder and Harry caught the snitch, after a fairly easy battle with Malfoy's stand in. Gryffindor won the match to screams and chanting of "Weasley" from the crowds.
An impromptu party had started in the Gryffindor common room after the match and Harry stood watching Ron revel in the attention of his teammates, with a smile. He was glad his friend appeared happy and relaxed. The loud cheers in the common room increased a notch as Lavender Brown jumped Ron and started snogging him hard, in front of everyone. Hermione was not very impressed however and had stormed out of the room. Harry ran to catch up with his friend, who he found sitting distraught in an empty alcove. He sat down beside her and tried to distract her from her thoughts by making a few comments on the conjured birds she had created. It didn't seem to work as her tears continued.
"How does it feel Harry when you see Dean with Ginny?"
Harry was confused by the question, he had told her he was in a relationship with Sev and she had called him gay so what's the deal with that question!
"Oh Um" Harry stammered with a quiet snort.
"I know" Hermione said through her continuing sobbing, "I see the way you look at her"
Harry had sort of been getting closer to Ginny over the summer but they had broken up when they got back to Hogwarts. He missed her friendship, he had got used to her being around but he didn't think he could ever be interested in that way, not now anyway. She was also his best mate's sister for Merlin's sake; he had watched her grow up like and elder brother! But seeing her snog Dean did hurt, he felt his stomach churn just at the thought. It reminded him how abnormal his life was. His life partner had been chosen for him when he was only a baby but he would never be able to openly show the man any affection. Hermione maybe thought he still liked Ginny even though he was involved with Severus, he thought. He hadn't told her that he didn't feel anything for girls really or other boy's come to think about it. It had only ever been Sev that had caused any real emotion in him, although mostly negative ones he thought morosely!
Ron and Lavender came bouncing in to the alcove, Hermione made it clear she was upset by their public displays of affection but it did save Harry from having to respond immediately to her strange question. She clearly wanted to think Harry understood what she was feeling and could empathise through his own feelings. In a way he could, his heart was breaking at the way he and Severus had separated this morning. When Ron and Lavender left Harry held Hermione's hand and answered softly.
"It feels like this".
Hermione cried harder and wet through Harry's t-shirt. When she composed herself she looked into Harry eyes,
"Harry, are you sure you can't work things out with Ginny? You know she still wants you, even if she is with Dean and you are with... well you know". She said glancing around the alcove and up the stairs behind them.
"Hermione please let's not talk about me today ok"
"But Harry I was thinking about what you told me and well, you didn't actually say you preferred guys, you just said the person you were involved with at the moment was male. It was me that jumped to the conclusion that you were gay but maybe you like both."
"I don't know Hermione. It's not that simple. I wish it was"
"But Harry you don't have to feel like this when you see Ginny with Dean, she would dump Dean if you asked her you know"
"Hermione I don't feel like this about Dean and Ginny because I want her back alright, I feel sad that I will never be able to show the world who it is I am in love with. Watching Ginny with Dean reminds me of what I could have had, had I been a normal person that is!"
"You're in love with Professor Snape?" Hermione screeched.
"Keep your bloody voice down 'mione! Fuck" Harry looked back towards the common room and up the stairwell and breathed out when he couldn't see anyone about.
"Sorry Harry but you can't really blame me. I only found out yesterday that you were with him and yeah, when I saw you together; you both seemed comfortable with each other, before he saw me, that is. But love Harry. I mean he is so much older than you. I said I would accept it and I do, but surely you can't see it lasting or being that serious!" Hermione was shocked and it showed in her expressions and tone of voice.
"Please Hermione I don't want to talk about it ok, but at least it's taken your mind off Ron for a bit! Come on lets go back to the party" Harry said trying to lighten the mood and change the subject back to Ron or get her to go have some fun. It didn't work.
"Harry James Potter, you cannot tell your best friend that you are in love with someone, no matter whom it is, and expect them to just say "oh ok let go get a butter beer". How long have you even been with him, I mean I thought it had maybe been only a few days or something? Merlin! Were you together when you had that duel or whatever it was in class? You never did let me ask you about that and ..." Hermione was off on one of her rants.
"We have been together since the beginning of term" Harry cut in. "That first night back at school, I didn't spend it in the infirmary getting my nose reset. I was with Sev in his rooms."
Hermione gasped
"Oh, it wasn't like that, not that night anyway"
"But Professor Dumbledore came and collected clothes for you; he said you were in the infirmary" Hermione said confusion clear on her face.
Harry nodded his head and smiled a sad sort of smile as he raised his eyebrows.
"And what do you mean by "not that night anyway" are you telling me you are having sex with him and he Headmaster knows!"
"I can't talk about this and I really don't want to discuss whether I have or haven't had sex with him, but yes Dumbledore knows we are together. I told you it was complicated; I wasn't joking. Now can we just drop it?" Harry stood and started making his way back up the stairs toward the common room.
"I'm sorry", Hermione shouted after him as she tried to catch up. "I didn't mean to sound so shocked. It's just a lot to take in; I mean you both still act as though you really hate each other, I am impressed at your acting skills!" Hermione laughed.
Harry muttered under his breath as he opened the door to the common room "Most of the time we are not acting"
The noise from the common room engulfed the muttered words but Hermione scowled and gave Harry a questioning look before the two friends were dragged back into the party by their housemates.
The following morning Harry headed to the library with Hermione, they had left Ron and Lavender still glued to each other in the common room. Harry didn't fancy sitting watching them all morning. He would have stayed in bed longer had he not had weird dreams all night of Severus turning into Ginny. His mind was a real mess. He hadn't seen Severus for 24 hours, he was he was still really hurting from the way they had parted the previous morning. They had planned on meeting in his office for a pretend detention directly after the match but Severus had never shown up. He was starting to think that maybe Dumbledore was right; that there was just no way they could be together. All his life he had accepted that he was different. He had always tried to find the positive side to the things that had been thrust on him and to make peace with them quickly. He was starting to think that this soul bond was just another thing he had just accepted. He wanted to make the best of who he was and maybe find some happiness in doing so. It wouldn't have helped if he had had a tantrum and cried about life being unfair. He had learnt when he was young, that such outbursts didn't change the facts and only succeeded in delaying his acceptance, making things much worse for himself in the end. But accepting that he shared his soul with Severus, allowing the bond to make them more than friends, wasn't making him happy. He was miserable.
As he sat in the library, he held his potions textbook tight with both hands as he surveyed the pages; he had hoped he would feel the connection to Severus. That it would calm him. But he felt nothing. Hermione was twittering on about love potions and Romilda Vane and the Slug Club Christmas party that night.
Romilda was sitting across from him smiling sweetly and staring at him. She is an attractive girl Harry thought maybe I should give it a go.
"Harry! Have you heard a word I said?"
"Yes Hermione, love potions and Romilda and Christmas party..."
Harry had turned his gaze back to Romilda.
"Well yes, but you know she only wants you because she thinks your "The Chosen One"!"
"I am the chosen one Hermione" Harry said with a cheeky smile thinking he may as well just accept that title too, maybe take the benefits he could from it.
Hermione smaked him over the head with a book
"Really Harry you are being obtuse and shallow, are you saying you are interested in her now, after the conversation about love we had last night!" Hermione whispered in his ear.
"Eh Ok mmm Sorry I will ask some I like alright. Someone cool and No Hermione that's not what I am saying. Look I don't know what I am feeling about anything or anyone at the moment alright. Se... him and I, we kind of had an argument about something yesterday morning and well... ach I don't know I'm a bit of a mess about it all really"
Hermione put down her book and looked at Harry's pained expression.
"Come on you, let's go down to the lake. You need to talk to someone and you can trust me ok"
Harry groaned and rested his head on his textbook, breathing in its embedded scent of potions. His heart skipped a beat at the smell, as memories of being held by strong arms briefly flitted through his mind.
"I never thought I would see the day I was telling you to get your head out of a textbook, but I am. I wish you would get rid of that thing anyway."
"Oh don't start on me about that again Hermione please, I feel a connection to whoever it was that wrote the notes in this book. It kind of helps me through stuff alright so let it go"
Hermione huffed but let the matter drop.
The two friends walked quietly down to the lake. Harry tried to compose his thoughts; he didn't know what Hermione expected him to say. He couldn't exactly tell her the whole truth could he. Dumbledore had explicitly said he wasn't to discuss the bond outside his office, but he had kind of messed up being able to talk through problems with the old man after he had told him to butt out.
As they reached their usual place by the lake, Hermione took hold of both Harry's hands in hers.
"Whatever you say to me about anything, I promise I will not tell a soul. I will also try and just listen and not judge or make assumptions alright"
Harry nodded and gave a small smile in acknowledgement. He knew there was no way she was going to manage the just listening part, but the rest he kind of believed.
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Hermione broke the silence.
"So can you start by telling me how you and Professor Snape got together in the first place?"
Harry snorted an incredulous laugh.
"Oh Hermione you do know how to choose the most difficult place to start don't you?"
"Well it makes sense to start at the beginning Harry, so I can maybe try and understand things a little better."
Harry took a deep breath.
"Dumbledore said I couldn't speak about any of this to anyone out with his office, it's really quite difficult to explain anyway"
"Mmmm. Well I suppose if Professor Dumbledore thinks you shouldn't tell anyone, then maybe you shouldn't. How about you start with what you argued about and why you are feeling the way you do today"
"Ok..., well you know I stayed the night with Sev the night before last, yeah? Well that was the first time I had stayed overnight with him. Well the first time in his bed anyway. I have stayed overnight before but that was before we got together"
Hermione raised her eyebrows at this
"No there was nothing like that that time, but that's an equally long story for another day perhaps ok?"
"Anyway, up until last night we hadn't been together in any sort of big way you know?" Harry could feel the heat rise to his face and closed his eyes. "We had only ever kissed and held each other and only ever in Dumbledore's sitting room, well apart from the time you saw in the DADA classroom and once before that, after that nonverbal class incident at the beginning of term, we just about did a lot more then than just kiss that time!" Harry heard a small gasp but kept his eyes closed.
"Anyway the other night we were both so tired from the Patronus thing, that instead of having a proper detention we ended up going to bed, his bed, together, but just to sleep. We did just go to sleep, at first, but I woke up at about 2am and woke Sev up. I asked him to you know ...well anyway we did some stuff, or more like he did some stuff to me. It was amazing but the thing was he wouldn't let me touch him, well I could kiss him and hold him and stuff, but not ...you know... oh god Hermione I can't talk about this with you."
"So you asked Professor Snape to...
"Could you stop calling him Professor Snape when you are alone with me 'mione especially when we are talking about this"
"Ok, so you asked him to touch you and I presume he did, with either his hands or his mouth and he made you orgasm." Hermione stated matter of factly.
"Bloody Hell 'mione how can you make this sound like you are reading from a bloody textbook! " Harry laughed.
"Well am I not correct" Hermione continued with a small smile. Harry just nodded.
"From what you have said, I also presume you tried to reciprocate this and he refused"
Harry just nodded again.
"And why is this upsetting you exactly?"
"Why is it upsetting me? Is that not obvious?"
"No Harry it is not. Prof... he is a grown man who I am sure will have been with other men, if that is his persuasion, in his past. He will, more than likely, have never been in a relationship with a student and will possibly be more accustomed to...rougher penetrative sex than maybe you are ready for. He is bound to find it difficult, if you keep pushing him too far, to restrain these physical urges. I actually find it quite sweet that he was happy to take care of your needs, at your request, but to forgo his own and not ask for anything in return"
Harry sat with his mouth open gawping at her.
"Please close your mouth Harry you look like a fish"
"That was a lot of presuming for someone that wasn't going to presume anything!" Harry eventually sputtered.
"Well you can learn a lot about human sexuality and practices for books Harry, so I think you might find it is a little more educated than mere presumption"
Harry collapsed back onto the grass in a fully out belly laugh!
Hermione huffed but had a smile on her face.
"You are amazing Hermione. Have I ever told you that?" Harry managed to say between bouts of laughter.
"So I take it you got angry with him, for not allowing you to reciprocate, and he, instead of calming you down, got all stern and haughty, as is his way"
"Ermm will no not really no"
"Right well you better continue with your story"
"Well after he refused me, he said he just wanted to hold me and get some more sleep. Neither of us really slept though. He curled up behind me and we dosed on and off for a couple of hours. I would wake up with him rubbing my fingers through his or moving his legs between mine and we would lie touching like that for a while, before he dosed off and I would wake him again by pulling him closer. Stuff like that. Anyway, when he got up this morning, it was still really early. I asked if I could join him in the shower. He said no and warded the door. But I managed to unlock it easy enough and went in. He ...ermm well he was in the shower but he never saw me come in. He sort of ermm... had his eyes closed... I sneaked in and knelt in front of him and well...whilst he was ...you know... ermmm...I...leant down..."
"Ok Harry I get the picture..." Hermione had closed her eye as if warding against the images Harry was sending her and shook her head a bit as if to clear them.
"...I take it he lost the plot and threw you out".
"Yeah he was really angry! But how do you know he would do that? I mean it makes no sense!"
"Harry the relationship between a man and women can be quite complex and between two men even more so. In your case with Pr... Severus, it is complicated further by so many different factors. There is obviously a lot I don't understand about why and how you got together, but you are both very powerful wizards and have a lot of similar traits. He is obviously older and more experienced than you and will feel he has a responsibility to take things slowly. He may also have an issue with trust and forming open relationships with anyone. He was and still is an active Death Eater, wherever his loyalties now lie; I presume that has been confirmed to you unequivocally?"
Harry nodded
"Therefore being with you will not be easy for him. Can you not see that? For you to have barged in on him, when he had made it clear he did not want you to reciprocate yet, was rude and quite frankly Harry, a bit abusive of his personal space".
Harry let out a long breath as he let Hermione's words sink in. She has a point he realised.
"I guess what you say makes sense, but he made me feel cheap and dirty, Hermione. Like he only gave me what I asked because he felt he owed me. Like he was paying back a debt for something he did years ago and he doesn't really want to be with me...urghh I'm not making any sense am I?" Harry sighed at looked up at Hermione, who he hadn't been able to look at since the beginning of this conversation. Hermione sat with a worried distant look on her face. Her eyes snapped back to Harry's when she realised he was looking at her.
"Harry, why would you think that? Why would any sort of sexual contact, have anything to do with payment?"
"Uh em well he feels very guilty about something that he did years ago. Em I understand why he does. He made a mistake and it kind of contributed to my parents being killed, so fairly big mistake really, but the thing is 'mione we have talked about it and I have forgiven him, but I don't think he can forgive himself."
"Most people don't see sex as a method of paying back a wrong though Harry, I am not sure why you think he would do that" Hermione was frowning with worry clear in her eyes.
"Oh right yeah maybe I am over thinking it then"
They sat in silence for a minute or two, both thinking over what had been said.
"Harry, can I ask you something?"
"Ehh yeah"
"You don't have to answer this but it might explain a few things. Has anyone ever made you do something sexual with them when you didn't want to?"
Harry felt all the colour drain out his face and tears sprung to his eyes.
"Oh urghh..." Harry could hardly breathe as memories he had hidden well, even from himself flooded back.
Hermione flung her arms about her friend and held him tight.
They sat like this for a few minutes until Harry quietly broke the silence and started talking into the thick, curly hair he had buried his face in.
"There were some things I had to do for when I was a bit younger, that were in payment for ... well, being alive I suppose, but listen it stopped last year and I just want to forget about it ok? Harry broke his grip on Hermione and looked back down at the ground again.
"I never usually think about it at all, but with Sev not allowing me to touch him, it sort of made me feel like I was asking for payment from him or something. It makes me feel sick that he maybe sees it like that and was the only reason he complied. Uhh I don't know if I can explain this properly and I really don't want to talk it."
"I'm so sorry Harry, I had no idea"
Harry looked up at his friend to see tears streaming down her face.
"Hey, listen, stop crying alright. I'm fine. It's over. No need to get worked up about it alright" Harry said gently capturing his friends face in his hands and rubbing the tears away with his thumbs.
"Oh Harry but it is still affecting you. It is making you see sex as something that is either given or received, not as something shared. What you and Severus did last night was a shared experience, whoever did what to whom. Without speaking to him about his reasoning for stopping things where he did, you cannot possibly understand why he did so. I am positive it will be for some of the reasons I said though and nothing to do with guilt and paying back a debt"
Harry let out a sigh as her words hit home.
"I have made a right mess of things haven't I, Hermione. I am such a fuck up. You know I told him I loved him last night, I even told Dumbledore to butt out and stop interfering in our lives this morning."
Hermione gasped.
"Don't look so shocked Hermione. He had set a ward on Sev and I, that alerted him if we got too close. We obviously woke him in the middle of the night last night but Sev managed to keep him out of his bedroom. This morning when I was kicked out the shower, I walked straight into him. He was about to open the bathroom door Hermione! So I kind of told him to leave us alone."
Harry was growing more and more frustrated at the craziness of his life as he sat talking though it with his friend. "God why can't I just have one thing in my life that is normal. I really want to like girls, I want to like Ginny. I even dreamt about Ginny last night, that's a good sign isn't it? I wish I could try and be with her to see if I could make it work, but I can't take the risk of hurting her, not knowing what I know about Sev and our bond. I mean what if I go with Ginny or anybody else for that matter and I can't keep the bond happy with just friendship? I would just end up hurting the other person. It would make them as unhappy as I am! But then again, I do love Sev and I hate not seeing him. When I am with him I feel so at peace and whole and can't imagine ever wanting anyone else. I know it sounds weird and totally fucked up, since this is the Greasy Bastard we are talking about here, but I do love him, but then something happens, it could be the smallest of things, and all the hate and loathing floods back and..."
"Harry?" Hermione gently cut in.
"Oh sorry 'mione ignore me, I am just mouthing off. Bet you wished you hadn't asked me to talk to you about all this eh? I told you my mind was a mess. Can you imagine the panic if the wizarding world got hold of the fact that the "Chosen One" is a complete ranting screw up?" Harry lips twitched slightly as he attempted to smile. He hated feeling so out of control of his words and feelings. He normally managed to stay calm and rationalise most things without ranting like a lunatic.
"Harry I am glad you have opened up to me. It has been a long time coming and you are not a screw up alright. Harry? Emm You mentioned something about a bond?"
Harry groaned, this was why he never opened up and ranted about things bothering him. His friends seemed to be able to do it with annoying frequency, but he had too much stuff in his head that he shouldn't talk about.
"Oh did I? Yeah well... I suppose Sev and I are sort of bonded"
"Oh my God, Harry!" Hermione looked dumbfounded as she gasped trying to find her next words.
"What do you mean "sort of" you either are bonded to him or you aren't! When did this happen and what type of bond?"
"It's called the "Participatur Anima" bond but I can't tell you when or how it happened."
"Bloody Hell Harry you must be mistaken! That bond is only made through official ceremonious means and involves quite complex magic, and you have to be married and...
"I know 'mione. I really can't explain, but it wasn't through any "official ceremonious" means."
Hermione sat quietly for a while but you could almost see her thinking.
"Harry I am a bit lost for words. I need to think about this for a bit. You need to go and talk to Severus and work things out, before either of you do something you both will regret."
"I know about the anger and stuff alright. The whole school has witnessed or heard about our legendary outburst of hate towards each other. It's quite funny really that the rumours have being saying that we fight all the time because we are lovers, don't you think?"
"Love and hate are actually closely linked emotions Harry; they are both very passionate. To hate each other as strongly as you both have for the last 5 years, has told everyone, albeit maybe subconsciously, that you both regard each other as being worthy of the time and energy such extreme emotion requires. The gossip isn't funny or strange when you think about it. It is in fact quite natural that people take obvious outward extreme emotion between two people to mean they share a deeper relationship than may be immediately apparent."
Harry was shaking his head in amazement at his friends calm logic, when he heard a familiar sounding clearing of the throat from behind him. Hermione jumped up to her feet and spun round.
"Professor Snape! Good Morning. I was just heading to the library so I will leave you both in peace."
She leant down and picked up her books and gave Harry a quick kiss on the cheek
"Stay calm" she whispered in his ear before standing up again.
"I have only come down here to collect some water from the lake, for a specific potion, there really is no reason why my presence should interrupt your...discussion". Severus said trying to sound calm but the scowl on his face said otherwise.
"No really Professor, I must get back to the library." Hermione started to leave but as she drew level with Severus, she stopped and looked back the still seated back of her friend and whispered
"There are some things, in his past, that maybe make him think differently about some things, please don't push him away". Severus's scowl deepened as he looked down into the kind but sad hazel brown eyes of Harry's friend.
Hermione shuffled her feet for a second "He really does love you, don't be angry at him for speaking with me, he needs someone to talk to and I pushed him into it"
Severus gave a small nod and Hermione resumed walking back to the castle.
Approaching Harry, Severus yearned to sit down and wrap his thick warm cloak around them both. He was annoyed at the boy for talking to Granger about him, but also a bit worried about what she could have meant. He was only a teenager, what on earth could have happened to cause him to think differently about a relationship such as theirs.
Severus stopped walking, as a memory of a much younger Harry, flinching away in fear from the touch of Albus, flashed through his mind. Harry had been about 14 at the time. He had fallen off his broomstick in a particularly rough Quidditch game against Slytherin, and had landed on his back on the roof of the spectators' stand, where his unconscious body had then slid down the pitched wooden roof, before falling to the ground. When he had arrived in the infirmary Madam Pomfrey had been busy treating another student, so Albus had started stripping the boy of his clothes, to assess the damage from his bleeding back and legs. When Harry had regained consciousness, he had thrashed and screamed at the Headmaster, pleading with him not touch him. Severus, who had been with one of his own students, had turned in the direction of the commotion to witness Albus trying to remove Harry's trousers, to a look of fear in Harry's eyes. Severus had brushed off the look as a misread grimace of pain. Maybe it had been fear after all, he thought. Merlin he hoped not, he did not want to even contemplate what that could mean.
Severus started walking again albeit a bit more slowly. He walked right past Harry, but quietly instructed him to follow as he did so. They walked along the lakeside toward the Dark Forest with Harry a few steps behind. Once in the forest, out of sight of any prying eyes and just beyond the school wards, he allowed Harry to catch up and wrapped his arms around him.
"Prepare to disapparate Harry" Severus said.
Before Harry had any chance to question him he felt familiar sensation of being squeezed through a long narrow tube. The journey seemed to go on forever; it certainly took longer than any journey he had made with Dumbledore before. Eventually the sensations stopped as they reappeared, with a loud pop, into a brightly lit room. Severus was still holding onto him as he looked around the small but, well cared for sitting room. It was decorated and furnished in bright whites and deep greens. It was a comfortable clean space.
"I'm sorry Severus for..." Harry began wanting to get his apology out the way first.
"Shhh, your apology is not required Harry" Severus responded quietly in a low sultry voice, before capturing the lips before him, in his own.
Harry relaxed as the kiss continued; he felt at home again and wished they could stay here like this forever. Wherever here is Harry thought.
When they parted after a few minutes, Harry looked into Severus eyes that radiated the same sense of peace and belonging, but there was something else there too, a glimmer of concern Harry realised.
"Where are we?" Harry asked as he quickly looked around the room again.
"A small cottage I own in France. I have only owned it since the beginning of summer, you are my first guest"
"Why have you brought me here? Won't the Headmaster be furious with us for leaving school grounds?"
"I have brought you here so we can be together, away from the pressures and constraints of the school. I am no longer your teacher whilst we are here. Don't worry about the Headmaster." Severus said calmly as he took Harry's hand and started moving them towards an inner doorway. Harry had never heard the man speak so calmly and with such feeling, it was like he was a different person away from the school. He could drown in the sultry tones of his caring, caressing voice.
As Harry was gently pulled through the door, he gasped at the beautiful bedroom they had entered. This room was decorated in bright reds that accentuated the sparkling white marble fireplace and walls. There were intricate tapestries hung around the room in the same shades of red as the plush drapes and silky bed linen that adorned the huge four poster bed. There were accents of green, silver and black woven into the fabric of the top bed cover that depicted a snake wrapped around what Harry thought looked like an old gnarled walking stick.
"Wow" Harry said.
"Indeed" Severus said looking a bit stunned by the room also.
"I have charmed this room to change into whatever it feels its occupants need, at any given time. I did not choose the colours or the furnishings"
After a few seconds of looking at their surrounding, Severus pulled Harry back into his embrace and kissed him deeply. Harry could feel the connection to Severus slowly returning. It was like someone was removing a blockage to them sharing their emotions and he was overwhelmed by feelings of love and passion Severus radiated. Harry melted into the warm sensations and deepened the kiss.
As Severus started slowly removing Harry muggle t-shirt and he realised the clothes Harry wore, although expensive, were far too big on him and looked worn and well used. Another sickle dropped into place, as he started to realise that this young man had maybe not had the upbringing of a spoilt brat after all.
Harry now stood panting and flushed, the muscles on his chest tense and quivering.
"Severus I can't do this if you won't allow me to touch you. I need us both to be comfortable enough to share this together. I know you have your reasons for holding back and controlling this, but we have to try and overcome these, if this is to work."
"I know" Severus said gently pulling him back into a tight embrace.
"I am scared of hurting you Harry, of taking things too far too soon, of losing control. I have not always been the nicest of men. I am not a nice man. I have never had a relationship where I have trusted anyone enough to open myself up to them, emotionally. I am scared you won't like what you see if I do Harry."
"You are forgetting something Sev; I can feel your emotions. I already know who you are deep down." Harry said gently.
Severus responded by renewing their passionate kiss and pulling Harry over to the large silk clad bed.
A/N – Ok Ok... I can hear your screams from here. I am a bit cruel for leaving it at this point. I hate when authors do that but I am not going to be able to write more until later tomorrow so thought this was a good place to stop and wanted to post what I have. I promise I will pick up from where I left off and not skip a scene!
Thanks to everyone who is on this journey with me and have reviewed. It is amazing what a few words of encouragement can do to help me keep going with this so everyone reading, please let me know what you think. Thanks to CajunMomma (I have just seen your last message, will get back to you tonight), Puzzle me this, Sheankelor, AlmondWithUnicornHair and Eiri and Kurama lover07 for your support it really is appreciated. x