I am now wearing my young Minerva cosplay. (Green dress, cloak.) I am in a good mood because I just saw someone who looked exactly like Xenophilius Lovegood. I am going to wear a Lucia Malfoy cosplay and say that I like his hair (Lucius Malfoy and Xenophilius Lovegood met once and complemented each-others hair.)

Accommodation and the Album

After the feast, well, they called it a feast, I called it a-desperate-attempt-to-find-tofu-which-resulted-in-resorting-to-eating-M&M's-and-cookies, we were taken to our dorm rooms. Unfortunately, my terrible luck kicked in for a second time that evening, landing me in a dorm with all the people I definitely did not want to be anywhere near.

The first person in this dorm was Pansy; she would've been a very good friend, if it weren't for her obsession with the obviously gay Draco. The second was Millicent, who seemed like she'd done time in prison, as she spent all her time lifting dumbbells, while eating cheeseburgers. The third were the R's, I'm counting them as one person, who seemed to literally be Barbie dolls, very attractive, but with hollow plastic heads, they were reading some of the assigned material, and bitching about how 'eight months is not enough to read seven books, not even with magic.' I wondered how they had enough brain power to get up the stairs.

After attempting to read the word 'therefore' about seven times without success, they asked me how, and I told them, this happened about nine or ten times, with other words, like 'unfortunate', 'exclaim', 'association' and 'descriptive'. I became bored of their stupidity, and offered to write them a summary of each chapter, it took me about an hour for all the books, and then I began to unpack.

Once I was done, my wardrobe and drawers were pretty much full. I lay down on my bed and began to read. About half an hour later, the R's had also finished their unpacking; all their clothes seemed to be the same, in different colours, maybe that was just the concept of Superdry. They were clearly bored, so decided to try and interact with me socially.

They started looking through my wardrobe, which I found intensely irritating, after a while they found my favourite dress, I had brought it with me because, had I left it at home, it would have been destroyed.

'Ooh, nice dress! Where did you get it?' R1 said, in her fake American accent, being fake nice about the dress I knew she hated, it being black and blood red, an obvious, and failed, attempt to knock my self confidence.

'It was my mum's in the 80's.' I replied, truthfully.

'Ooh! Vintage!' R2 said and flicked her hair in such an infuriating manner that I wanted to throttle her.

'That's from 'mean girls'.' I pointed out, knowing that they'd done it on purpose, using the same techniques as the plastics to try and become the girls who people bowed down to.

'I...I...err...I don't know what you mean!' R2 lied, giggling nervously, doing the infuriating hair flick and, eventually, walking away. She spoke in an urgent whisper to the other R, probably planning to revise their strategy, and find someone else to ask the meaning of words more than one syllable.

I went down to the common room, deciding to get a proper look, rather than the glimpse I'd had while walking in. There were no windows, which was good, because I burned like a ginger and had a small issue with uncontrollable sneezing on very sunny days.

I found a seat by the bookshelves and sat down with a random book plucked from the shelves, I wanted a break from the piece of hippogriff dung that was twilight, and started to read, actually, what was I reading? I looked down and saw that it was called A History of Great Slytherins 1750-1950 it looked interesting, so I started reading. I was about half way through a chapter entitled Jerominele Sarjelli 1739-1801: Inventor of Jambojiii also known as Inferi Repellent when Ella burst through the door, causing everyone in the room to turn and look, and one third year to fall off his hammock.

She seemed to be holding a large leather-bound book, this was unusual, it was normally a paperback. I pulled her aside and before I could ask her what she was on about, she literally threw this rather heavy book at me and I only just managed to catch it, it was entitled The Album of Six Prankmen: Prongs and Padfoot, Gred and Feorge ,Teto and Meiko I groaned at the last one, seeing my own nickname.

'Ella, what the hell is this?' I asked 'And how does it know my name?'

'I told it! It belonged to the marauders, then Fred and George and now it's ours!' She seemed unbelievably excited.

'No.' I stated 'whatever it is, no.'

I opened it, and saw loads of lists; all things various people were not allowed to do at Hogwarts, with three tick boxes by each of the things, most of them had the first two ticked.

'These are our to-do lists!' She said, I looked at the first list, and crossed off the ones she must never do.

Things James is not allowed to do at Hogwarts: year 2

By Mum

Sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office

ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick

Give Sirius Black a flea collar

Make light sabre sounds with wand

Give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals

Refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

Charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

Declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"

Steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways, not even on Halloween

It is a bad idea to tell McGonagall she takes herself too seriously

Tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions

Ask Sirius if he's serious

Answer all of Remus' Questions with "Are you fucking Sirius"

Refer to Professor Dumbledore as 'Dude', 'My Liege' or 'Tim the Enchanter'.

Change all Sirius' robes green and silver.

Scream, "PINK PUPPIES" at the top of my lungs at random moments, and stare at Sirius

Cut Sirius' hair

attempt to throw sticks for Sirius

Charm the armour to sing loudly at ungodly hours

Sirius if he thinks scars are sexy

Talk like Yoda

the Santa Clause song every time Dumbledore enters a room

Buy Sirius a leash and ask if he wants his 'walkies'

Send Snape blood flavoured lollypops.

Buy Sirius a muzzle for his birthday

Circle 'Mother' and 'Fathers' day on Sirius' calendar

Greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

"Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell

Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

My name is not Captain Subtext

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones", nor was it founded by Sirius' Family

I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder"

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists

Lock Sirius Black and Remus Lupin in a closet to see if gay sex will occur.

A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars

my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos"

When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for"

Albus Dumbledore is not Jesus.

Claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

Introduce Peeves to paintballing.

Teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks

Sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

Tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell

Yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit

Dumbledore is not Gandalf

Sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

Call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"

Re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

Begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"

Organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife

Hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

Set up a first-year on a blind date with Moaning Myrtle.

'Why have you crossed out all the ones involving Sirius?' She asked, arms folded.

'Because he is a convicted killer who is currently being guarded by things that suck out souls, that's why.' I answered, wondering why on earth she'd need to ask that question.

'Oh, it's that Sirius, what if I were to replace all of the ones about Sirius with ones about Lara?' She asked.

'And who is,' I checked the list to see who it had been suggested she lock in the cupboard with Sirius 'Remus, in this analogy?'

'You, of course!' She said, as if it were obvious.

It took me a few seconds to realise that she had suggested locking me and Lara in a cupboard together to 'see if gay sex will occur'. However, when I did realise what she had suggested, I grabbed the heaviest and biggest book off the bookshelves beside me, and began chasing her with it. I imagine that to the other people in the common room, it must have been quite a comical sight.

After a couple of minutes of me chasing her around, she ran up a flight of stairs. I didn't realise it at the time, but this was one of four third year boys' dorms. She stumbled into the room, whereas I, having significantly more control over my movement due to the lack of crippling laughter, managed to walk in. I saw a huddle of three boys sitting on a bed reading some sort of magazine together. Making said boys feel awkward became a higher priority than attacking Ella with the book.

'What are you reading?' I asked, knowing perfectly well what it was, but wanting to see them squirm.

'It's...err...it's a...err...a...err...an...err a Gaming magazine?' one of them tried.

'Gaming? I like video games; does it have anything about the WWE games or Grand Theft Auto? Saints Row, Little Big Planet?' I asked before grabbing the 'gaming' magazine.

It had a picture of a woman not really wearing much except a cowboy hat on the front, at this point Ella got up from the floor, having been their sitting up, for a while. She saw what I was holding, 'Are you one hundred percent sure that you don't want me to lock you in a cupboard with Lara?' She asked, joking.

'A. This belongs to them,' I said pointing to the boys from whom I had taken it, 'And B. Spoilt brat who knows karate, don't push it.'

I turned back to the third years and stated the obvious 'This isn't a gaming mag.' I tossed it back to them and left.

While I was showing Ella to the exit she asked me, 'Do you have any alcohol?'

'What?' I asked her 'Why would I have alcohol?'

'Well, you're a rich pureblood but you don't act like one.'

'Meaning?'

'You're not a total bitch.'

'And the opposite of that is an eleven year-old alcoholic?'

She looked annoyed at my logic and left me to wonder what on earth she was planning.