A Slight Issue
Summary: Sherlock, completely out of context, states that John and himself are sleeping together and Irene Adler hears the statement. Within three hours, news of the relationship is across every news headline. A/N: Warning contains swearing, will contain M rated material if I continue. Oh and spoilers for Sherlock series 2 episode one- 'A scandal in Belgravia'
'Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was amazing, John's expressed that in every possible variant available in English.'
'I would have you, right here, on this desk, until you beg for mercy, twice.' Irene states huskily.
She wants me? Whatever could she be implying by that? Though added together with the constant 'let's have dinner' situation… oh. Oh! Sex, of course. How easy it can be to forget ordinary people's fascination with the act. But Irene… I wouldn't have her pegged as ordinary.
Irene Adler, the dominatrix, wanting sex. Not a huge leap. Symbol of power. Which of course means she has an ulterior motive.
Response needed.
'Well…' I start, chancing a look in John's direction. Perfect, he adorns a look that could easily be misinterpreted as jealous. 'Yeah, he said that too.'
There. If that doesn't shut her up I don't know what will. I must admit I'm surprised at Moriarty, to think I would fall for a woman.
The moment the words leave my lips; both John and Irene turn to stare at me, Irene with her eyebrows raised and a look of shock and disbelief etched on her face, and John shocked and confused. But not appalled I am sure to note.
'I see.' From Irene leaves her mouth at the same moment that 'What?' Leaves John's.
'Ignore him, the change in sexuality's been a lot for him to handle, you haven't quite come to terms with our little agreement yet have you John?'
'An agreement? How fascinating. Do share.' She responds, eyebrows remaining raised.
'Based on a movie John forced me to watch. I believe Friends with benefits is the widely acknowledged term.'
'You… you're sleeping with John?' She asks, seemingly confused. 'I assumed Jim Moriarty was correct with his assumptions about you Sherlock. It appears he was incorrect.'
'Sex is I presume what you were implying by 'I would have you here on this desk.' Therefore yes, I think the assumption on your part regarding John and I is correct, abet obvious.
'You were of course, attempting to seduce me.' I observe.
'You noticed. He wasn't sure if you would.' Irene says amusement clear on her face. I don't believe that this outcome is one that she anticipated.
'Oh naturally. Am I to presume you have a document that you hoped I would inadvertently decipher?'
'Oh aren't you clever. He was right about you. There is a document, but I imagine that it is no longer any of your concern. I'll be leaving now. Good bye Sherlock, Doctor. Do contact me if the two of you ever wish to have dinner alongside me.'
The second we hear the tell-tale sound of a woman's healed shoe on the steps leaving 221b, John abruptly vacates his chair and stands directly opposite me.
'What the bloody hell was that Sherlock?' He fumes.
'Oh come along John, don't be dense. Miss Adler's attempts at seduction were transparent at best; surely even you could not have failed to notice her ulterior motive?'
'She wanted something from you?' John asks, frown apparent on his face, a mixture of confusion and anger I suspect.
'Of course she did, why would she be interested in me, she told you herself, Irene Adler is a lesbian. Moriarty is apparently very persuasive.'
'I presume you also had a valid reason for not so inadvertently telling her that we're shagging?' He growls.
Maybe, just possibly, I should have said something else to force Irene to vacate the premises. I forget how much the 'John and Sherlock are gay' thesis everyone we know forms bothers him.
'She needed to leave John; she needed to know she didn't have a hope in hell at seducing me. I do apologise if I upset you.'
'You don't get it do you? You have to stop going around implying, or in this case telling everyone that we're gay.'
'John I…' I start before John interrupts me with:
'You know what, leave it Sherlock. I don't care. I'm going out. Bye.'
Hours after John has left Baker Street gone to meet, or should I say attempt to pick up and sleep with, a unsuspecting woman no dought I slump in one of the arm chairs, idly considering the best way to retrieve the gun Mrs Hudson removed from the flat, when I began shooting the wall in the form of another face.
Bored!
Bored!
Bored!
'John, pass me my phone.' I call out. A couple of hours later I have to acknowledge that John is indeed not in the flat, nor is he showing any signs of returning.
Deciding that updating my website is the least tedious thing to do until John's return, I rematch onto the coffee table next to me, and retrieve the laptop weather it happens to be John's or mine is irrelevant and power it up.
Automatically I load up Google chrome, and the latest news. Always good to keep on top of things, never know what ridiculously simple case Lestrade will require my assistance with next.
Blah blah blah recession blah blah blah facebook crisis blah blah blah football results
Nothing what so ever of interest.
Expect…
Not good. Not good at all.
'Internet sleuth Sherlock and assistant John in confirmed gay relationship' the daily mail
Sherlock Holmes, private detective and his partner Doctor John Watson reveal to the world that they are indeed a gay couple… Tape recording presented… friends confirm they had their suspicions about the essence of the pair's friendship…
'Homosexual detective and partner go public' Daily telegraph
Holmes and Watson… homosexual… outrage of past clients… couldn't have been more obvious… source confirms… interviews with the pair's associates detectives Anderson and Donavon reveal…
'Holmes and Watson the internet sensations come out to world' the sun
The allegedly sociopathic detective is in fact in a relationship… with non-other than his 'partner in crime' John Watson… fans of the crime fighting duo have mixed opinions… Two fans found and interviewed… disgusting… brilliant… private lives… no need to publicly flaunt their homosexuality…
Each article of course complete with a photograph clearly showing both of us. That hat photograph and two papers featuring two pictures put together, John in his army uniform and myself in that ridiculous white sheet.
There's only one place they could have got that information, so credible that they were able to publish in less than three hours.
Irene Adler. That woman!
John is going to kill me. Thank god Mrs Hudson has the gun out of harm's way.
Meanwhile (John's POV)
I'm not drunk… I'm merry. Merry enough to at least attempt to forget all my problems. Namely a fucking gorgeous tall dark haired man with prominent cheek bones.
Anyway, tonight that doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Tonight I'm going to have a normal night in a bar, drink myself into oblivion, talk to normal people, and women should the chance come along.
I walk over to the bar, and signal to the bar tender to bring me another beer.
While I wait for my drink, I notice a pretty redhead leaning against the bar effectively next to me, adorning a tight knee length skirt and practically see-through, allowing me to see her pink bra and white shirt and high black heels... She must've noticed my leering, for a moment or two later, she introduces herself.
'Hi, my name's Jennifer, Jennifer Drake.'
'I'm John Watson.' I respond 'Can I get you a drink Jennifer?'
'Sure. Red wine please.'
When we finally receive our drinks, the woman and I make our way to a secluded table, and begin to chatter and flirt about nothing in particular.
We seem to be getting on pretty well, and I'm considering weather kissing Jennifer would be appropriate when a woman approaches our table.
'Jenny! Hello! Who's your friend?' She asks.
'Hi Anna, let me introduce you to John.' She says, getting up to embrace her friend.
'Nice to meet you Anna.' I say politely.
'And you John. I'm sure I know you from somewhere.' She adds, furrowing her brown in frustration. 'Hang on; what's your last name?'
'Watson. John Watson.'
'Oh my god I knew it. You bastard!' She cries out, slapping me round my face, leaving what I'm sure is a red mark.
'Anna!' Calls out Jennifer in shock 'What's wrong.'
'He's gay Jenny.' She states. 'Shagging his flatmate Sherlock Holmes.'
'What?' I exclaim in shock. 'I can assure you, I am not gay, nor am I sleeping with Sherlock Holmes.'
'You liar.' She snarls, tugging an iPhone out of her bag and after tapping the screen a couple of times, holds it out for Jennifer and I to see.
'Internet sleuth Sherlock and assistant John in confirmed gay relationship' Announces the title, complete with a picture of Sherlock and I together.
What the hell?
'Um John I… didn't realise you're gay…'
'Or shagging another man.' Anna butts in with.
'Or seeing someone else.' She agrees. 'Thanks for the drink, I think I should be leaving now. Good bye.'
'Wait Jennifer!' I cry after her. 'I'm not gay! I didn't know anything about the newspaper article.'
'I'm sorry John' She replies, before she disappears from my view.
Fuming with anger and confusion I reach into my own pocket and tug out my phone and begin to compose a message.
To: Sherlock Holmes
SHERLOCK WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? – JW
Feedback would be appreciated; I will continue if people want me to. Please bear in mind that this is in-beta'd and was written at a ridiculously late time, so there probably are errors. Hope you enjoyed.