"The Big Drama Theory"
Rated T
Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 3: The Big Bran Hypothesis, Part 1
Harold and Cody's apartment. Cody, Harold, Ezekiel and Noah are present. Harold is handing out food.
Harold: There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.
Ezekiel: But does it have peanut oil?
Harold: Uh, I'm not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Cody: Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
Noah: Are there any chopsticks?
Cody: You don't need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Harold: (tiredlessly) Here we go...
Cody: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don't actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Harold: Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. (There is a knock on the door) I'll get it.
Ezekiel: Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.
Harold opens the door to Bridgette, who steps into the hallway.
Bridgette: Hey, Harold.
Harold: Oh, hi Bridgette.
Bridgette: Am I interrupting?
Harold: No.
Cody: (to Ezekiel) You're not swelling, Howard.
Ezekiel: No, no, look at my fingers, they're like Vienna sausages.
Bridgette: Sounds like you have company.
Harold: They're not going anywhere.
Harold closes the door behind him, as he and Bridgette are staying in the hallway.
Harold: So, you're coming home from work? That's great. How was work?
Bridgette: Well, you know, it's the Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.
Harold: So, you sort of act as a carbohydrate delivery system.
Bridgette: Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was….
Harold: Yes.
Bridgette: Oh. Okay, great, I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so…
The apartment door opens as Cody, Noah and Ezekiel appear behind Harold.
Bridgette: (to the guys behind Harold) Oh! Hel…hello!
Ezekiel: (speaks a phrase in Russian) Hofkansdmas
Bridgette: I'm sorry?
Ezekiel: Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?
Bridgette: No, I haven't.
Ezekiel: Get used to it.
Bridgette: Yeah, I probably won't, but… Hey, Cody.
Cody: Hi.
Bridgette: Hey, Noah! (Noah looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?
Cody: Don't take it personally, it's his pathology, he can't talk to women.
Ezekiel: He can't talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!
Harold: So, there's gonna be some furniture delivered?
Bridgette: Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow, could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment?
Harold: Yeah, no problem.
Bridgette: (handing Harold the key) Great, here's my spare key. Thank you.
Harold: Bridgette, wait.
Bridgette: Yeah?
Harold: Um, if you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Bridgette: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Harold: You're kidding, right?
Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?
Harold, Cody & Ezekiel: One.
Noah raises one finger as he is still uncomfortable.
Harold: You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Bridgette: Yes, I know, men can't fly.
Cody: Oh no, let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Harold: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Cody: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.
Harold: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Cody: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow Sun.
Ezekiel: Yeah, and you don't have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.
Cody: Uh, a combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Bridgette: I'm just going to go wash up.
Harold: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Cody: Challenge accepted.
Cody tries to open their door, but couldn't.
Cody: We're locked out.
Noah: Also, the pretty girl left...
Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Harold is signing for the delivery.
Harold: Okay, her apartment's on the fourth floor but the elevator's broken so you're going to have to- (delivery man leaves) Oh, you're just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
Cody: I hardly think so.
Harold: Why not?
Cody: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Harold: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it's just a matter… (starts to move package) I don't have this… I don't have this, I don't have this.
Cody: Archimedes would be so proud.
Harold: Do you have any ideas?
Cody: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Harold and Cody are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs.
Harold: Easy, easy...(package falls) Okay! Now we've got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.
Cody: Exactly half.
Harold: (snarkily) Exactly half. Let's push. Okay, see, it's moving, this is easy, all in the math.
Cody: What's your formula for the corner?
Harold: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.
Harold heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom.
Cody: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
They now have the package on an upstairs hallway, not their own.
Cody: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Harold: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Cody: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Harold: I'm doing this to be a good neighbor. In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds.
The hallway of their floor, they are nearing the top of the staircase.
Harold: Almost there, almost there, almost there.
They both let go of the package, but it starts to slip down.
Cody: No we're not, no we're not, no we're not.
Inside Penny's apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.
Harold: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!
Cody: You okay?
Harold: No, it hurt…
Harold's looking around at Bridgette's place. It is a little messy.
Cody: Great Caesar's Ghost, look at this place?
Harold: So Penny's a little messy.
Cody: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table's having a tiny garage sale.
Harold: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?
Cody: No.
Harold: Well they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.
Cody: Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
Harold: Come on, we should go.
Cody: Hang on.
Harold: What are you doing?
Cody: Straightening up.
Harold: Cody, this is not your home.
Cody: This is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
Harold: When the transvestite lived here, you didn't care how he kept the place.
Cody: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man's closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
Harold: What were you doing in his closet?
Cody: I helped run some cable for a webcam.
Bridgette then enters and approaches Cody and Harold.
Bridgette: Hey, guys.
Harold: Oh, hey Bridgette, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.
Bridgette: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?
Cody: (sucks in breath)
Harold: No.
Cody: (to Harold) No?
Harold: (to Cody) No.
Cody: (to Bridgette) No.
Harold: Well, we'll get out of your hair.
Bridgette: Oh, great, thank you again.
Bridgette throws her jacket over the back of the sofa.
Cody: Bridgette, I just want you to know that, you don't have to live like this. I'm here for you.
Bridgette: What's he talking about?
Harold: It's a joke.
Bridgette: I don't get it.
Cody: Yeah, he didn't tell it right.
Harold's bedroom, he is asleep. The sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Harold wakes up, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2:16.
Harold: Cody?
The living room. Harold enters carrying a light saber.
Harold: Cody? Hello?
Harold notices front door is open, as he turns off the light saber. He then goes inside Bridgette's apartment where Bridgette is sleeping and Cody is cleaning. Harold enters and sees Cody.
Harold: Cody!
Cody: (quietly) Sssshhhh! Bridgette's sleeping...
Harold: Are you insane, you can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
Cody: I had no choice. I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.
Harold: Do you realize that if Bridgette wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation as to why we're here?
Cody: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Harold: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it's reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Cody: Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Harold: Cody, we have to get out of here.
Bridgette snores.
Cody: You might want to speak in a lower register.
Harold: What?
Cody: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they'll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Harold: That's ridiculous.
Bridgette snores again.
Cody: No. (lowering his voice dramatically) That's ridiculous.
Harold: (doing likewise) Fine. I accept your premise, now please, let's go.
Cody: I am not leaving until I'm done.
Harold: O-o-o-oh!
Harold collapses against a wall in which there is a medium-sized hole in it.
Cody: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Harold: Oh, what the hell...
Oh, crap. What will Bridgette's reaction be when she wakes up?
I'm sorry, I was gonna watch this on YouTube, but I just figured I make this up just for my fic.
Part II will being after you read and review!