"The Big Drama Theory"
Rated T
Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 4: The Big Bran Hypothesis, Part 2
Sheldon and Leonard's living room. It is morning as Cody enters, singing to himself.
Cody: Morning.
Harold: Morning.
Cody: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.
Harold: I'm not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbor's apartment and clean.
Cody: Sarcasm?
Harold: You think?
Cody: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Bridgette's quality of life.
Harold: You know what, you've convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Cody: You don't think that crosses a line?
Leonard: Yes! For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.
Cody: You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
Cody: Do you want some cereal? I'm feeling so good today I'm going to choose from the low fiber end of the shelf. (looks at the cereal box) Hello, Honey Puffs.
Bridgette: (v.o.) SON OF A BITCH!
Harold: Bridgette's up.
Bridgette: (v.o.) You sick, geeky bastards!
Harold: How did she know it was us?
Cody: I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Bridgette: (voice off) HAROLD!
Harold: God, this is going to be bad...
Cody: (switching boxes) Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.
Bridgette enters, looking very pissed off.
Bridgette: (to Harold) You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?
Harold: Yes, but, only to clean.
Cody: Really more to organize, you're not actually dirty, per se.
Bridgette: Give me back my key.
Harold: I'm very, very sorry.
Bridgette: Do you understand how creepy this is?
Harold: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.
Bridgette: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.
Harold: And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It's a throat doctor.
Bridgette: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Cody: Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
Harold then holds up a sign reading "Sarcasm".
Cody: Oh!
Penny: God!
Harold: Okay, look, no Bridgette, I think what you're feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you're feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.
Bridgette: Stay away from me.
Harold: Sure, that's another way to go.
Cody: Bridgette, Bridgette, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm.
Bridgette stares at both Cody and Harold in disbelief, then leaves.
Cody: Well, that was a little non-responsive.
Harold: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Cody laughs.) What's funny?
Cody: That wasn't sarcasm?
Harold: No.
Cody: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning.
Cody leaves the apartment and knocks on Bridgette's door.
Cody: I have a masters and two PhD's, I should not have to do this.
Bridgette: (opening door) What?
Cody: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won't color your opinion of Harold, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
Bridgette closes the door in Cody's face as he walks away.
Cody: I did what I could...
The stairwell. Noah is coming up the stairs as he meets Bridgette who is going down.
Bridgette: Hey, Noah.
Noah just stands there looking uncomfortable and shy.
Bridgette: Hey, listen, I don't know if you heard about what happened last night with Harold and Cody, but I'm really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?
While Bridgette continues to talk, Noah is thinking.
Noah: (thinking) Ooh, she's standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?
Bridgette: You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don't shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?
Noah: (thinking) She's so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'd be better off with an Indian girl. We'd have the same cultural background, and my wife would sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.
Bridgette: It's obvious that they meant well, but I'm just, I'm having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it's just freaking me out.
Noah internally sings an Indian lullaby while thinking.
Bridgette: I mean, just because most of the men I've known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn't mean I should just assume Harold and Cody are. Right?
Noah: (thinking) She asked me a question... I should probably nod.
Noah nods at her.
Bridgette: That's exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You're a doll.
Bridgette hugs Noah, in which he feels surprised.
Noah: (thinking) Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis...
Noah turns his pelvis as Bridgette is still hugging him.
Cody and Harold's living room. Ezekiel is there, playing on a dance video jumps off the game mat and looks at Harold.
Ezekiel: Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
Harold: It's fine. You win.
Ezekiel: (to Cody) What's his problem?
Cody: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Ezekiel: Been there.
Noah then enters.
Noah: Hello. Sorry I'm late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Bridgette.
Ezekiel: Really? You? Noah Koothrappali, spoke to Bridgette?
Noah: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Harold: What did she say? Is she still mad at me?
Noah: Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me.
Ezekiel: She hugged you? How did she hug you? (Noah hugs Ezekiel) Is that her perfume I smell?
Noah: Intoxicating, isn't it?
The hallway. Harold puts a note under Bridgette's door as it opens.
Bridgette: Hi.
Harold: Oh.
Bridgette: What's going on?
Harold: Um, here's the thing. (Reads from note) Bridgette. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one's mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie's discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research….
Bridgette: Harold.
Harold: Yeah?
Bridgette: (hugging him) We're okay.
Bridgette kisses him on the cheek as she closes door. Harold looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.
Bridgette's apartment. Cody and Harold are trying to construct furniture.
Harold: Six two inch dowels.
Cody: Check.
Harold: One package, Phillips head screws.
Cody: Check.
Bridgette: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre.
Harold: No, please, we insist, it's the least we can do considering.
Cody: Considering what? How great this place looks?
Ezekiel appears across the room with Noah.
Ezekiel: Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
Harold: What?
Ezekiel: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program, eh?
Bridgette: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.
Harold: It is an inefficient design, for example Bridgette has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
Cody: We could put her stereo back there.
Harold: And control it how?
Cody: Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.
Noah whispers in Ezekiel's ear, looking a bit strangleholded.
Ezekiel: Good point, how you gonna cool it?
Bridgette: Hey guys, I got this.
Cody: Hang on, Bridgette. How about fans, here and here?
Harold: Also inefficient, and might be loud.
Ezekiel: How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC…
Bridgette: Guys, this is actually really simple.
Ezekiel: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.
Harold: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?
Cody: And if water is involved we're going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.
Bridgette: Guys, it's hot in here, I think I'll just take off all my clothes.
Harold: Oh, I've got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium?
Cody: Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink.
Ezekiel: Perfect, Harold, why don't you and Cody go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square metres of scrap aluminium, Noah and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch, eh?
Harold: Meet back here in an hour?
Ezekiel: Done.
Harold: Got it.
The rest of the guys leave. Which leaves Bridgette to wander around the room. She's impressed of what the guys have done so far.
Bridgette: Okay, this place does look pretty good...
Leave it to Noah to be nervous around a girl...
Next up will be Izzy's debut in the next episode, "The Fuzzy Boots Corollary"! Read and review until then!