"The Big Drama Theory"
Rated T
Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 5: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, Part 1
Cody and Harold's apartment. Cody, Harold, Ezekiel and Noah are all using laptops and are wearing microphone headsets. They seem to be playing a MMORPG.
Ezekiel: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.
Cody: Good lord!
Noah: Oooh.
Harold: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Ezekiel: Stay frosty, there's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.
Harold: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.
Cody: Lock and load.
Ezekiel: Noah, blow up the gates.
Noah: Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!
Ezekiel: Don't just stand there, slash and move, slash and move!
Harold: Stay in formation.
Ezekiel: Harold, you've got one on your tail, eh?
Harold: That's alright, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off.
Noah: I've got him, Harold! Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Harold: Noah, no, it's a trap, they're flanking us!
Noah: Oooh, he's got me.
Ezekiel: Harold, he's got Noah, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!
Cody: (exclaiming) I've got the Sword of Azeroth!
Harold: Forget the sword, Cody, help Noah.
Cody: There is no more Cody, I am the Swordmaster!
Ezekiel: Harold, look out!
Harold: Dammit man, we're dying here.
Cody: Goodbye, peasants...
Harold: The bastard teleported!
Noah: He's selling the Sword of Azeroth on eBay!
Harold: (to Cody) You betrayed us for money, who are you?
Cody: I'm a rogue knight elf, don't you people read character descriptions? (realizes) Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked "buy it now."
Ezekiel: (celebrating) I am the Swordmaster!
The guys are still in Harold and Cody's apartment, just acting beat from their game.
Cody: Wooh, I'm all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.
Harold: No, I can't look at you or your avatar right now.
A sound of female laughter is heard right out in the hall.
Ezekiel: Sounds like your neighbor's home.
Harold: Excuse me.
Cody: Don't forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you'd have an excuse to talk to her.
Harold: Oh, right, right right right right.
Ezekiel: Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.
Harold: (exiting to hallway): Bridgette, the mailman did it again, he…
Harold looks up to see Bridgette kissing a hunky man.
Harold: Oh! Sorry.
Bridgette: (to Harold) Um, no, hi Harold, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbor, Harold.
Man: What's up, bro?
Harold: Not much. Bro...
Bridgette: Is, is everything okay?
Harold: Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.
Harold then hands Bridgette the mail.
Bridgette: Thank you, I've got to talk to that mailman.
Harold: Oh no, that's probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.
Bridgette: Okay, well, thank you, again.
Harold: No problem. Bye. (to Doug) Oh, and, bye, bro...
Harold returns back to his apartment.
Cody: (to Harold) Bridgette for your thoughts?
Noah: (to Harold) What's the matter?
Harold: No, I'm fine. Bridgette's fine, the guy she's kissing is really fine and…
Ezekiel: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
Harold: What is wrong with you?
Ezekiel: I'm a romantic.
Cody: Please don't tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Harold: No, I'm not jealous, I'm just a little concerned for her. I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Ezekiel: Because he looked better than you?
Harold: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.
Cody: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
Ezekiel: I disagree, love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.
Harold: Well, I'm done with Bridgette. I'm going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
Noah: Like who?
Harold: I don't know. Olivia Geiger?
Cody: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
Harold: Yeah.
Cody: Well, I don't think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Izzy Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability.
Ezekiel: I don't know, you guys work in the same lab.
Harold: So?
Ezekiel: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm… a bit of a self-taught expert.
Harold: Look, Ezekiel, if I were to ask Izzy Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I'm not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Ezekiel: Oh, then you're probably okay...
Ezekiel and Izzy's lab. Harold is approaching Izzy, who's trying to heat up a cup of noodles with a laser.
Harold: Hello, Izzy.
Izzy: Hi, Harold.
Harold: Izzy, I would like to propose an experiment.
Izzy: Goggles, Harold.
Harold: Right. (hands Izzy the goggles) Izzy, I would like to propose an experiment.
Izzy: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o' noodles.
She blasts the laser right at the noodles, automatically heating them up.
Harold: Pfff, I've done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Izzy: Wait, are you asking me out?
Harold: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Izzy: What sort of experiment would you propose?
Harold: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Izzy: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Harold: Heartrate, pheromones, etc, yes.
Izzy: Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.
Harold: You mean, kiss you now?
Izzy: Yes.
Harold: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Izzy: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Harold: Thank you. (Takes mint) Shall I count down from three?
Izzy: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.
They kiss for a second and then breaks it off.
Izzy: What do you think?
Harold: You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.
Izzy: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
Harold: None?
Izzy: None.
Harold: Ah. Well, thank you for your time.
Izzy: Thank you.
They shake hands as Harold leaves. Then returns to look at Izzy.
Harold: None at all?
Cody and Harold's apartment. Cody, Noah and Ezekiel are busy playing Jenga.
Ezekiel: Cody, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Cody: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Ezekeil: Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side.
Cody: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's three laws of robotics?
Noah: You might be bound by them right now.
Ezekiel: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
Cody: Of course not.
Ezekiel: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
Cody: Well, no.
Ezekiel: I smell robot.
Harold enters the apartment, looking a little cool and collected.
Harold: Hey, what's going on?
Cody: The internet's been down for half an hour.
Noah: Also, Cody may be a robot.
Ezekiel: So, how did it go with izzy?
Harold: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway.
Cody: Oh, I've seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don't know if I can take it.
Noah: You could power down.
Ezekiel: Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Harold could have his pick.
A salsa class. Harold, Cody, Ezekiel and Noah and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle-aged women.
Class instructor: Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.
Ezekiel: (to Harold) I think Mrs Tishman's got her eye on you. I've been there, you're in for a treat.
Harold is a a little bothered.
The apartment. Harold is entering and singing to himself a depressing emo song.
Cody: (looking to Harold) Oh, good lord...
Harold: (singing) You don't know me, you don't wear my chains… (back to reality) God, that's a good song.
Cody: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide...
Harold is now taking supplies out of a bag.
Cody: Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
Harold: I know what you're thinking, I've taken your asthma into account. There's a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.
Cody: Harold, listen to me…
Harold: (interrupting Cody) I've been thinking about names, I'm kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.
Cody: Harold, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?
Harold: Maybe, if it's a cute little cuddly cat.
Cody: Oh, come on, Harold! This is obviously about Bridgette.
Harold: It doesn't matter. The woman's not interested in me, the woman rejected me.
Cody: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Bridgette as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.
Harold: You're right. I didn't ask her out, I should ask her out.
Cody: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don't buy a cat.
Harold: No, but you're right. I should march over there and ask her out.
Cody: Oh, goody, we're getting a cat!
Is Harold really depressive? If he is, how long will it last into the next part? Part 2 comes up next! Until then, read and review! BAZINGA!