Hello wonderful readers,
Another longish update for you all. Let me know what you think with rave reviews.
I think I will kick things up a notch etc. etc. ;)
RxExR
Chapter 8: Fight
I didn't breath as we stood there staring at each other. His eyes are cold and dark, but as I look into them I notice that his eyes have a tint of red in them. My brain slowly processes what I'm seeing as I allow oxygen to flow into my lungs again. The gaze in his eyes shook me to my core, but this guy was no Persona. He is much younger and more built in frame than Persona is. His left ear is decorated with a glint of gold and his jaw line is softer due to his youthfulness. The messy mane of black hair is short and tousled in a just rolled out of bed sort of way. His black polo is pressed, folded up at the sleeves and undone at the chest. A black cross necklace hangs around his neck and he continues to gaze at me with those eyes.
My throat is dry and tight, but I force myself to swallow and open my mouth to say something, but before I could form words Sumire is at my side tugging my arm with such force I have to bite my cheek to keep myself from shrieking again.
"Natsume! You're back. Can I get you a drink baby?" she asked standing in front of me.
I stare at the floor humiliated, annoyed and a little grateful towards Sumire. I didn't hear his reply to her but she yanked me to the side as he walked past us to the bar.
"Do you want to get fired or are you just that stupid?" she hisses in my ear, piercing me with her green eyes.
As I open my mouth to reply, she cuts me off with her sharp tone, "Shut it. Clean up this mess and get back to work before Hotaru throws you out herself."
She tosses my arm away as if it suddenly became infected with some flesh eating virus. I bend down to pick up the tub and the glasses that (thankfully) were strong enough to survive the fall. I walk as strongly as I can back into the dish washing room, but my eyes are starting to sting and my hands are shaking. I put the tub down onto of one of the machines and hold my hands to my chest. It isn't just my hands, my whole body is trembling. I run my hands through my hair a few times and take a few deep breaths.
When will this stop?
This fear.
This tremble.
This urge to run and scream and hide every time something or someone catches me off guard? I don't know what to do anymore. Telling myself that Persona will never find us isn't enough. Running isn't enough. When will it be enough? How much distance do you need to put between yourself and something you fear before you don't fear it anymore? They say running away doesn't solve anything, but this isn't arachnophobia or vertigo. It's not the kind of fear you can face and be okay afterwards. We can never face him. If Persona ever did find us . . .
I feel the strongest urge to see Youichi and make sure he's safe. I abandon the tub on top of the machine and hurry out of the room and up the stairs. As I went past the bar I catch the eyes of the guy from before. The blank stare reminded me of Youichi, but there was something else there. Something I can't quite place.
I jog up the stairs—which isn't easy in these shoes—I just need to see Youichi and make sure he's safe. I push open the stairway door and practically sprain my ankle trying to get to the employee lounge where Youichi was sprawled on the couch with boredom practically etched into his forehead. He looks up at me and recognizes the look in my eyes. He pushes himself up to a sitting position and I collapse next to him trying to compose myself. He just sits there holding my hand as if trying to absorb the trembles from my body into his own. We didn't speak because of the cameras, but even if I didn't feel like Hotaru was watching my every move and listening to my breathing, I don't think there's anything to say. Youichi and I can't be comforted by words. A simple silence with a person who makes us feel just a little bit safe is enough.
I sit with Youichi for a little while until that nagging feeling that I should get back to work rears its ugly head. I give his small hand a squeeze before I left. I descended the stairs feeling a bit more composed and steady. I keep telling myself that even if Persona did show up he can't do anything in front of a crowd of people like that. He'd have to drag me kicking and screaming out of this bar and I'd fight with every cell in my body. As I reentered the bar the pulsing music hit me hard and I had to readjust. Sumire was sitting on top of the bar in front of the guy I bumped into. She's flirting shamelessly and her dress is riding up her legs, but I'm sure that's her intention.
His back is to me as I approach them, Sumire sees me, but doesn't give me a second glance until I tap the guy's shoulder. Her gaze is like fire and if I knew better I would have just walked away and disappeared into the crowd, but then again I'm not one to know better.
He turns around in his seat just enough to look at me from the corner of his eye. He's quite handsome upon closer inspection. Too handsome to look anything like Persona, but the gaze could make them brothers. He says nothing and just looks at me. His glass of murky brown liquid clasped disinterestedly in his hands. Sumire wants to kill me I'm sure, but I just lean in close enough so he can hear me shout over the music.
"I'm sorry about earlier, you just surprised me." I say.
He doesn't say anything and I'm beginning to feel like more of an idiot every second.
"Well any way, I'm just sorry and don't mind me I won't get in your way anymore."
He turns all the way around in his seat and stands. He looms over me by several inches and at first I think he's going to shove me so I brace myself with an intake of breath, but I don't break eye contact. Never back down. Sumire leaps off the bar and places herself between us, pressing her body to his in a suggestive way.
She whispers something into his ear and leads him away, making sure to throw a nasty glance over her shoulder at me, a 'back off' look that I recognize from watching teen dramas. I sigh and shrug my shoulders my weirdness didn't give anything away and Sumire just thought I was after this guy. I should count myself lucky that most high schoolers are so shallow. I retrieve my tub and proceed about my duties like a drone is flashy clothing.
I notice that Sumire lured the guy into an isolated corner—what's his name again? I rack my brain for it, but for some reason I can't think of it, but as I see Sumire settled into his lap, arms looped around his neck, and her tongue possibly down his throat, it hits me.
Natsume.
I can't help but stare as Sumire really works him over with her entire self as if she's trying to absorb him into herself. He, on the other hand, seems distant as if he was only there in body. His arms are draped over the back of the sofa, not touching Sumire at all and his eyes are open—which if you ask me is the creepiest thing to do when kissing. Not that I would know.
It's not that I haven't been able to attract guy attention in order to get kissed; it's just that any form of physical intimacy kind of freaks me out. I can't even be hugged without over-analyzing it and feeling really awkward. Youichi is the only person I can have physical contact with and not freak out and that's probably only because he's a little kid.
That Natsume guy catches my eye from across the room and I immediately look away. He couldn't have been looking at me right? It's just a coincidence. I decide to keep my eyes down for the rest of my shift. Seems like the safest place right about now.
A few minutes past the end of my shift and I'm still wiping down tables and trying to avoid being groped. I hear someone shouting my name over the music. A blonde girl in a uniform matching mine pointed towards the bar where the blonde guy Ruka was standing. I swallowed a lump in my throat made my way over to him balancing my tub over the crowd.
"I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to offend you or your brother. He's just a little kid after all." He says to me over the music.
I shrug my shoulders in response because I really don't know how to talk to him. In my mind he's a Hotaru lap dog who's probably wearing a wire that is directly linked to his master. I size him up with my eyes. He's attractive I'll give him that, but as far as his apology goes, he can shove it.
"My shift is over so if you'll excuse me." I say brushing past him.
He taps my shoulder and I reluctantly turn, "I know we got off to a rough start, but I really think we can be friends." He says sticking out his hand and that perfect boy smile on his face.
I look at it, and then back at him. I place the tub in it with a little more force than I mean to, but he manages to keep it upright.
"I don't need any friends, especially ones that are spies for my boss. Now if you'll excuse me." I turn on my heel and march away.
Maybe it's because I lost my dad or maybe it's because I've been living in hell for the past few years, but I can't bring myself to trust a guy. They all want something. Whether it's monetary or physical depends on the guy, but at the end of the day they are all the same. Friend? Please. Who does he think he's fooling? That pretty boy smile and those ocean blue eyes may get some girls but I'm not just a girl. I'm a runaway, a guardian, a kidnapper, a savior, and the last thing I need is another guy in my life to fail me or Youichi. Ruka can have the noblest intentions, but I'll never see him for anything more than his gender and the only thing the male gender means to me is disappointment.
The day I've been longing for is finally here: Saturday. I can hardly contain myself as I sit in Hotaru's office to get my first pay check. I've been busting my hump in the restaurant all day and I'm getting a day off from the bar tonight to help my Grandparents move, when in reality I'm going to be running all over the place to find an apartment. As Hotaru punches buttons on her keyboard I'm restraining myself from screaming "Hurry up!" at the top of my lungs. Finally she does a few clicks and her printer clicks and whirrs and spits out a small piece of paper. Hotaru takes it without looking at it and scribbles her signature onto it and hands it to me. I take it with a leap in my heart and refrain from hugging it to my chest.
"Thank you." I say.
"There's no need to thank me. This is your earned compensation." She replies in a manner only she can pull off.
Professional and cold.
Her stoic response doesn't surprise me and I just smile and excuse myself. Not even five minutes later I'm skipping down the street with a song in my heart and Youichi is dragging himself behind me. The poor thing is probably embarrassed, but I'm too happy to care.
"Come on Youichi, smile. I told you we aren't going to die." I say in a sing-song voice waving my check in front of his face.
He swats it away and buries his hands in his pockets, "Death is inevitable. Just because we won't die from pneumonia today, doesn't mean we won't be hit by a bus tomorrow."
"Must you be so morbid? Your big sister has earned us enough money to get our own place with hot water and maybe a bed and decent food. So you should at least shed your bitterness for a moment to appreciate me." I say taking a little bow.
He scoffs and walks right past me. I roll my eyes playfully and follow behind him. He won't show it, but I know he's happy. I read somewhere that happiness can be infectious and I'm oozing enough of it to make the whole street sick. I pull the folded newspaper I got from the gas station this morning from my pocket along with my red pen. I already circled the places within my price range and a star next to those that accept cash. I learned through the grapevine at my school that you can cash checks easily at those money transfer places and thanks to my handy dandy map I'm able to locate such a place not too far from Imai's. I make Youichi wait for me on the bus bench outside of the sketchy looking place as I cash my check. The guy behind the counter looks me over and I'm grateful to be wearing so many layers. If he tries to undress me with his eyes, it'll take him sometime.
He puts the check through a machine punches numbers in. A crank and a whirr later and I'm holding the cash equivalent of my check in my hands. It's not much, but enough for now. And I'm a very live in the now kind of girl. I fold up the money and tuck it into my pocket. Youichi is swinging his feet off the edge of the bench when I plop down next to him.
"Okay so the check is cashed and the money is tangible so now I just need to narrow down the top choices and we can be in our new place before the day is out."
Youichi doesn't respond which is to be expected so I go through the list. A burger sounds good right about now, but I don't want to risk falling short over a slab of meat. I really want a two bedroom, but they're bordering on the pricey side and I need something with utilities included, more evidence for the 'beggars can't be choosers' theory. I cross out all the two bedroom listings and start looking at one bedroom with utilities. My first choice is a one bedroom with utilities included that's a bus ride away from Imai's- no more than two stops. 'Contact Tsubasa' it read at the bottom and is followed with a phone number, but I can't see a payphone anywhere.
"Well I guess we're waiting for a bus You-chan." I say looking at the bus route map on the reverse side of my newspaper.
The local buses are a lot nicer than I thought they would be. When our bus finally arrived the interior is navy blue with cushioned seats and there are only a few people riding. Each sectioned off in their own little world. I get us seats in the back after scraping my pockets for fare. A short twenty minute ride and a short walk and I find myself staring up at a five story apartment complex. It's old fashioned and a little run down, but somehow that made me more hopeful that I could get the apartment. I hold Youichi's hand and give it a confident squeeze and try to open the door.
It's locked.
Beside the door is a list of apartment numbers and a key pad. Below that is a button for the front desk. I push it and it makes that annoying buzz noise like in prison movies. The intercom connected to it made a dull noise and I can hear a little girl screaming in an annoyed whine in the background.
"Yeah?" a deep voice said after a moment.
"Um I'm here about the one bedroom vacancy." I say into the intercom.
The door gives a buzz noise of its own and I yank it open. It's a little hefty for security I suppose. The lobby is loud with the whining red headed girl pulling her mother's pants leg and complaining. The blue haired man behind the desk looked annoyed and the woman looked aggravated and sweaty.
"Look I can get you first and last. Just give me the apartment and I can get out of your face." She bargained.
The blue haired man behind the desk ran a hand through his messy mane and ousted his cigarette in a silver ashtray.
"You need to stop coming by here. I need first and the deposit up front. No exceptions. You and your loud mouth kid need to get out before I call the cops." He explained and then pulled the corded phone in front of him.
"What's it gonna be?" He asks raising an eyebrow.
The woman snatched her daughter's hand and pushed passed Youichi and I. She smelled like body odor and the little girl kept whining all the way out the door. Guess everyone has problems.
"You here about the apartment?" the guy calls to me lighting another cigarette.
"Um, yes." I respond stepping up to the desk.
"Well you heard the terms I suppose: first and deposit up front."
"And how much is that exactly?" I ask feeling the wad of money in my pocket.
"65,000 yen for first and the security deposit. Then there's fee for your key."
"65,000?" my heart sinks into my foot, "I wasn't expecting it to be so much."
"You're not from around here are you?" He asked with a smile on his face as if seeing me for the first time.
"Does it show?" I say sighing.
Youichi starts tugging at my coat. He knows we can't afford it and doesn't like the way this guy- who I assume is the landlord- is looking at me.
"A bit," he says with a grin.
"Well 65,000 is too rich for my blood." I sigh taking Youichi's hand.
"I think we can work something out." He says leaning his elbows on the table.
"Sorry I'm not that kind of girl." I say backing away from the desk.
He looks shocked and then embarrassed, "Hey, hey, not like that. I'm engaged. I just mean I'd rather sell it to you than that crazy lady who keeps coming by here because she knows the place is empty. We have some pretty strict policies because when this place got bought over by a big company they said our business plan was 'atrocious'. From then on we had to start charging for everything: first month's, security deposit, a key fee. Ridiculous."
"Why?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Well back in the day, an old lady use to run this place. It was beat up and falling apart. She collected the rent herself, despite her bad knees and a lot of the time people didn't pay or just disappeared completely. She died and this place went up for auction. I'm surprised they didn't tear it down. We've had a lot of renovations since then and people move in and out, but for the most part everyone's been here since the renovations got done. My fiancée and I live on the first floor just down that hall. There's no elevator and the laundry room is in the basement, but the apartments are nice. Small, but nice."
"Trust me, it sounds like paradise, but I can't afford it." I say with a shrug.
"How much do you have?" He asks straightening up.
I pull the wad of cash out my pocket with my free hand, "About half that, but I have a job—two actually—and I know you have no reason to trust me, but I can give you all of this and more the next time I get paid. I've only been working four days, this is all I have."
He runs a hand through his hair, "Geez kid you sure know how to play it." He still had a small smile on his face though.
"Don't you have family or something? I don't like to make assumptions, but is it just the two of you?"
I don't want to lie, but sometimes the truth is complicated. I can't tell him just like I can't tell Anna or Nobara or Hotaru or anyone. I know how complicated lies can get, but I'm already too deep. Telling lies is wrong, but if Persona ever did find us I want as little people involved as possible.
"Only my grandparents and they're not the greatest pair. They live too far from my job and don't understand that I need to pay my way through school. They're farm people. They don't understand how important college is to me. They can barely support themselves let alone us."
"What about your parents?" He asks.
"Please. It's just us." I say remorsefully, "Dysfunctional family isn't even the half of it."
"There you go again." He said chuckling.
He rubbed the back of his head profusely and seemed to debate with himself as he looks at us from the corner of his eye. He sighs with frustration and rubs his face. He pulls open a drawer and picks up a single key and puts it on the counter.
"What the hell. Better you than some wack-a-doo." He says smiling.
"Are you serious?" I practically yell.
I put my wad of money on the counter and push it toward him excitedly. I'm back to being broke, but at least we're not homeless.
Baby steps.
"Whoa, whoa, maybe you should see the apartment before you throw your life savings at me." He chuckled a bit and came out from behind the desk and led me up the stairs after I shoved my money wad back into my coat pocket. The stairs are very solid and made of wood. The wooden flooring went down the halls and up every flight of stairs. He takes us up to the third floor. The hallway is short and there are only three apartment doors.
The guy pulls out a set of keys and fumbles through them as we walk down the narrow hallway. I can hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner in one of the apartments we pass by. He stops at apartment 3B and takes a minute to unlock both locks on the dark wooden door.
The foyer is small and instead of tatami mats, there's solid wood flooring, but there's still a space for shoes by front door and a step up into the apartment itself. It's a very open space despite not being too big.
"It's not much and it's filthy, but considering the circumstances-"
"It's perfect." I say quickly walking into the kitchen area.
The kitchen and the living room occupy one space separated by a counter with a built in old fashioned sink. The countertops are tile and covered with a film of dust and grime. There's a gas stove in the corner across from where the refrigerator would go. He shows us the bathroom which I'll spare the gruesome details of the level of filth. The bedroom has a window that needs to be washed, but it's big and has a view over the adjacent buildings and the street.
"It's kind of a dump I'm not going to lie, but I'll tell you what. I'll let you stay here free of charge for now, but you are on your own with the cleaning. I can't turn on your lights without payment and a signed contract, but the gas is always on and so is the water."
"I couldn't possibly-", I begin before my brain could stop me.
"It's either here or some dinky motel thirty minutes away. Come on kid, it's not going to get any better than this."
"Mikan." I correct him.
"Huh?"
"My name is Mikan and I'm not a kid." I clarify.
"Well Mikan you left home with no money and no plan. I'm doing you a huge favor going on blind faith here, so to me, you are a kid. You can call me Tsubasa."
We shake hands and he still has a small smile on his face. I thought the mark under his eye was a birthmark or a mole, but upon closer inspection it's a tiny star tattoo. He reminds me of a gang leader I saw in a drama once. In the story the gang leader falls in love with a college student after he saves her from an opposing gang. She changes him for the better and he makes up with his dad and takes over the company and they get married in Paris. Blah, blah, blah. Things always seem to end perfectly in dramas, but real life is hardly perfect if my life is any testament.
"Like I said the place is a dump and you won't have any lights or furniture, but it's better than getting killed out in the streets. I don't think I'll be able to sleep at night if I saw your face on the news."
I swallow thickly and push the thought out of my head, "I'm eternally grateful and in two weeks you can have everything I owe you plus interest."
"I will hold you to that Mikan-chan." He says with a huge grin.
My brain tells me to shut up, but I can't help but ask, "Why are you doing this? I mean I'm really, really, grateful, but you don't know me or owe me anything. I'm not the kind person to accept this kind of help without asking why. Everybody wants something right?"
He sighs and rubs the back of his head, "I don't know. Maybe I've seen one too many kids wonder in and out of this town with no one but themselves to rely on. Hell, I was one of those kids. Who am I to throw you on the streets when there's an empty apartment just sitting here. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe you'll ditch me after a week and go tell your sob story to some other poor sucker who has a weak spot for girls in trouble, but right now my conscience is clear. Maybe that's a selfish reason, but at least you're not freezing somewhere especially with a kid depending on you."
He puts the key in my hand and gives it a squeeze before leaving. I listen to his footsteps disappear down the hall before I burst on into a squeal. I scoop Youichi up into my arms—much to his disdain—and dance with him in celebration. He wriggles free and drops his bags on the floor.
"Youichi this is so exciting! No more dusty old apartment." I squeal walking around the kitchen.
"Yeah, now we get a dusty new apartment." He comments making patterns in the floor with his foot.
"Must you always be such a downer?" I whine.
I drop my bag on the floor which kicks up some dust. Letting us keep the little money I made these past four days is a blessing because now I can buy cleaning supplies and food (that doesn't need to be refrigerated) and maybe have that hamburger I've been craving. I tell Youichi to strip some of his layers so we'll better be able to carry our groceries. We can't put anything away until the apartment is scrubbed to hell and back so we stack our clothes on top of our bags in a corner and leave the apartment. There's something satisfying about turning the key in the lock of my new apartment. Despite the odds, I've managed to get two jobs and a new apartment.
I'm still reluctant to accept charity from some guy I barely know. Especially since he is in fact a guy, but in a weird way he reminds me of my dad. That goofy grin and the way he rubs the back of his head. I read a psychology book that said children often seek partners with traits similar to the parent of the opposite sex. Girls look for their father and guys look for their mother. I thought it was creepy at the time, but I think I kind of understand now. Your mother and father are supposed to be the people you idolize the most, so it's only natural that you would seek comfort and partnership in someone who shares their traits.
I dwell on this on the way out. Tsubasa tells us the code we need to punch in to get into the apartment building. I thank him again and he gives us direction to the closest convenience store that sells everything we'll need for a decent price.
I practically want to skip around the entire journey down the two blocks even more so when we stop to get dinner at a small diner across from the store Tsubasa directed us to. I ordered a burger and fries with a milkshake and Youichi wanted the same. There were only crumbs left and we spilt a second milkshake before paying and going off to do our shopping. There are no push carts in this store, just hand baskets so I grab two of them and we set off to work down the aisles. The old man behind the counter greeted us friendly and a stock boy swept one of the aisles not glancing up even once.
Despite my urge to zoom down the aisles scooping everything into my basket, I know that I have to be smart about what we buy the first step is to get cleaning supplies. Starting with gloves and ending with scrub brushes with disinfectant and air freshener in between. The white tile floors gleamed under our feet as we moved on to canned goods, snacks, and ramen. I pondered in the back of my mind how we would carry all this for two blocks, but my excitement got the better of me. The old man behind the counter rang us up making small talk about how much we were buying. I made up a lie, not being able to help myself, and told him that I just moved in with my grandparents and they didn't have anything in the house because they can't really get around. He commended me on my hard work and even gave me a little discount. He told his stock boy to help us with our bags when I told him we didn't live far. The stock boy rolled his eyes, but the old man was answering the phone and didn't see him.
I apologized on the way back to the apartment, but he didn't bother respond. He is a pimply, scrawny little thing, but I guess being a stock boy helps give you some muscle as he had no problem holding most of our bags. When I got the apartment building door open I let him go and he seemed more than glad to disappear. It was already dark out and I can't wait to clean and get some sleep. Tsubasa—whose kindness seems to know no bounds—helps us take the rest of our bags up to the apartment and offers to lend us a futon to sleep on.
"You ask a lot of me even though I'm letting you live here rent free." He mocks.
"You offered so you're stuck with us free loaders until I can pay you and get you out of my hair." I joke back.
"Whatever you say kid." He chuckles.
"Stop calling me kid." I say, but he just raises his hand in a sort of wave and disappears out the door.
"Well You-chan, we've got our work cut out for us." I say unpacking some of the cleaning supplies.
"We?" he responds flopping down on the pile of clothes.
I roll my eyes in a playful way and decide to tackle the bathroom first. If it's one thing running away has taught me is that working hard becomes more important than ever. If people can see that you're a hard worker they might just give you a chance to be something in this world. Tsubasa and that old man at the convenience store have taught me that there are some good people still left in this world and if I would let anyone be something of a 'friend' to me it would more than likely be Tsubasa. He seems to know a thing or two about struggling and unfortunate circumstances. After all he looks a little young to be a landlord and an engaged one at that. So if worst ever came to worst at least someone in this town would understand.
I can't feel my hands. We've cleaned beyond the point of pain and numbness. At this point, my hands can be cut off and I wouldn't feel a thing. On the upside we're finally done cleaning. Youichi started helping me after I finished tackling the bathroom. I covered every surface in bleach and scrub powder and let it soak while I wiped and disinfected the kitchen. Youichi swept the floors with a traditional broom I picked up at the convenience store since it was only a few yen. He looked so cute collecting the dust and dumping it out the window where it flew off into the chilly night. It was imperative that we cleaned with the window in the bedroom and bathroom open. The scent of cleaner was strong enough to make your head spin.
I scrubbed every surface, the tub, the shower, the sink, and then had to rinse and wipe everything down. My jeans and t-shirt are ruined thanks to the bleach, but it was worth it. We had fun mopping the floor turning it into a race. Dipping the rags into buckets we filled with water and a lemon scented floor cleaner and running up on and down the floors in each room. Youichi wouldn't admit to having fun, but he did try to out mop me and I let him a few times. I caught a glimpse of a smile, but he removed it almost as quick as it let itself appear.
We're lying on the empty living room floor completely exhausted. Hands numb, legs sore and clothes ruined, but all worth it to have a clean lemon scented apartment.
"I thought we'd never finish, but this place is finally livable. And the only thing that would make this moment better is a hot bath. What do you say?"
He said nothing as usual but allowed himself to be escorted into the bathroom. Youichi and I have taken baths together before because of beatings that made it hard for him to move. I usually fill the tub and let him soak in the water while I sat on the edge of the tub listening for any sign of Persona.
I help him out of his clothes and let him go into the shower himself while I fill the tub with warm water and bath herbs and salts I brought from home. I didn't realize I brought them until I got a chance to actually unpack my duffel bag. It makes the water green and is supposed to soothe the body and wash away ailments. I got it at a flower shop after I read that certain herbs can help make swelling and bruising go away. Comes in handy especially since I had P.E. at that time and I was running low on sick notes.
The tub is finally full and the water is green in color because of the bath salts. I peel off my clothes and wrap a thin towel around my frame and help Youichi wash his hair and plop him into the tub while I brace myself for my first hot shower since coming to Nagoya.
If heaven can manifest itself into a shower, I have just stepped into it. The water is warm and soothing and my body is screaming from joy. I start humming a peppy tune as I wash my hair. I'm imaging myself in a shampoo commercial. One of those where the girl is washing her hair in the middle of a tropical forest under a waterfall. How do people come up with that stuff? I guess I'll never know especially with my given circumstances. I'm taking so long in the shower that Youichi already left the bathroom when I went into the tub. Thankfully the water is still warm.
I marvel at how well I cleaned the bathroom. It's not much bigger than my old closet, but it has both a standing shower and a bath that were covered in mold and hard water stains, but a strong dousing with bleach and a scrubbing powder let that sit for a half hour while we tackled the kitchen and then come back and scrub every inch until the grout is white again. I actually had to let it soak in bleach twice. The fumes were so strong I didn't let Youichi anywhere near until I re-scrubbed, rinsed, and mopped the floor. There's still a tang of bleach in the air, but it's actually a pleasant smell combined with the strong scent of bath oil and salts.
I sink down in the tub till the surface is right below my eyes. The steam combined with the warm water is making my skin sing. I heard some girls in my class talk about going to spa's to get their faces steamed and to get facials. Why would I ever need to pay someone for that when I have hot water and a bathroom with a door that closes? I can make my own sauna any day and I don't have to spend a dime. I never really cared for those kinds of things anyway. I hold my breath and completely submerge myself under the water.
For a small moment I pretend like I'm not Mikan Sakura. Like I don't have to be at work in a few hours and I don't have a six year old boy depending on me. Like I can wake up tomorrow and go to school and have a conversation with someone and actually care about what they're telling me. Like I have a family that loves me more than a needle in their arm or alcohol in their bottle. I imagine being in a place that I can find who I am and what I really like to do. I think about what it would be like to not be afraid when a stranger raises their hand or to see Youichi smile and play with other kids.
I come up and take a big gulp of air. Pretending is just like holding your breath it would seem. It's easier at first, but the longer you go, the more the need to breathe imposes on you just like reality and you have to come up for air. I wrap my arms around my legs and just sit, trying not to think about anything for a moment, not the need for money or stability. Just sit here and force myself to think about something related to my dire situation. For some reason Tsubasa's grin pops into my head and the weird way he rubs the back of his head and can smoke a whole cigarette without touching it.
I smile and wonder if this is what a crush is like. I know he's older and engaged and pitying me and my miserable plight, but a girl can wonder. I've seen how girls with crushes act in my school and on television. It usually starts with an innocent crush that slowly manifest into a full blown obsession. Writing their names all over notebooks and stalking them everywhere they go. I don't know what's so great about the male gender that girls lose all brain function, but part of me hopes to never find out.
After another minute or so of pointless bathtub soaking, I finally remove myself from the bath. When I'm securely wrapped in my towel I find Youichi in the bedroom laying on the futon under a blanket that Tsubasa must've thrown in. He was out cold breathing softly into Mr. Bear's stomach. I can't help but watch him for a moment. No worry lines in his forehead, no blank stare or scowl etched into his features. Just Youichi, a six year old boy fast asleep in futon in a room where he doesn't have to worry about some drunk bastard stumbling in and taking a swing at him. He can just sleep, really sleep.
I get dressed in my t-shirt and sweatpants and towel dry my hair. I put the rest of the groceries away, making sure that nothing is in size order or alphabetical. No more OCD house, everything can just go where it fits and I don't give a damn if it's organized or not. I may not have a fridge or pots or furniture, but I can put my canned goods where I want and how I want.
I guess I should count myself lucky. I manage to escape the grasp of the person I hate the most, gain the trust of a little boy who has no hope for anything in this world. For some reason I find myself thinking of the Natsume guy and Sumire and everything I knew about him from Hotaru's comments. He's violent, disinterested in everything, promiscuous, and shrouded in mystery. If there is ever a time for a red flag to shoot up, it's now. I consider quit working at the bar, but it's only a matter of time before I completely turn my sensor off to him. Only one person can strike fear into me and I have no intention of letting that number rise for any reason.
Letting fear spread can be the downfall of everything and I rather die than let something like fear ruin me.
I can have a real life here. I go to the open bedroom window and breathe in the cold night air. The apartment is no longer stuffy so I can shut the window. It closes with a clack and I make sure to lock it before I tuck myself beside Youichi's small frame. I trace my finger lightly over the curve of his cheek. He gives off a soft sigh and the corner of his mouth twitch.
I wonder what he dreams about if he dreams at all. Sometimes it's more comforting not to dream. Your brain doesn't torture you with thoughts of a better life. So that when you open your eyes you don't have to be disappointed and not want to get out of bed. The only reason I ever got out of better was because I had to show some gratitude to be able to see another day. Whoever was looking down on my pathetic life wasn't going to get a laugh at seeing me defeated.
I close my eyes and succumb to the darkness beneath my eyelids.
I may be a lot of things, but the one thing I will never be is beaten. And the only way to maintain that is to keep swinging and never give up.
I want to move things along and get to the really good stuff, but I have to pace myself with this one. I'm glad you all are enjoying regardless getting attached to the characters while I build up the story and have fun typing it.
Anywhoooo drop me a review okay?
Lots of Love
Chi-cahn