Dude, I'm actually like cranking these things out even though I should be working on school work, but I'll get to it. My productivity is really screwed up. Anyways warnings for this chapter there is mentions of bulimia and smoking cigarettes, both of which are extremely unhealthy things which I do not condone but I do see as being part of Matt and Mello's character flaws. But the descriptions are not very graphic so I think most people should be alright, so without any more rambling here is Chapter 7:

Matt knew that Mello was going to forget about his 12th birthday, February the 1st, because it was the same day that The List was going to be published. For once hardly any work was completed in the classrooms the day before, because everyone at Wammy's had it on their mind, the final results of what their whole lives up to this point had been working towards, their rankings and what their specialized areas would be. The only one who was acting exactly the same as always was Near, writing diligently away at his desk causing Mello to fume and glare at him more than ever.

Matt wouldn't hold it against his best friend. They had always celebrated their birthdays together as any other normal day, hanging out in their room or outside playing soccer in the field outside, rough matches that always ended with Mello wrestling him into the mud and Roger having to come outside and pull them a part, the pair of them still laughing even as they wiped up their bloody noses. They had never bothered to get each other presents because they didn't have any money before, but when you turned 11 at Wammy's you were given a small allowance and time to roam the small city, supervised of course, each weekend because they were almost adults, a year before The List would be published and would have to know how to handle money. That past December Matt had surprised Mello by wrapping silver cross dangling from a band of leather around his wrist.

"I know it's simple, but you have your mother's rosary, something of hers to protect you. So I thought you should have something from me to."

Mello almost looked like he was going to cry but he didn't. He punched Matt in the shoulder and complained that he shouldn't have spent his money on him, but just like the rosary he never took off the cross.

Mello was clutching that rosary all the time now, saying his prayers before bed every night yet still tossing and turning. Matt now pretended that he never heard him getting up to climb down the rungs of the top bunk to go to the bathroom across the hall, throwing up what little dinner he had ate. Matt had only followed him the third time, padding quietly across the cold tile and pulling his friends chin length blond hair away from his face. Mello had pushed him away and sworn at him to get out and Matt got the message. He didn't want what was happening to him, what the approaching knowledge of The List doing to him was acknowledged. He just wanted to carry on as if he was completely fine.

But that all changed the night proceeding The List's arrival. Matt expected to hear Mello thump to the floor and go quickly past his bed and into the hallway, but instead he felt the corner of his mattress sink with weight and the thick blanket being pulled back from being clutched to chest, his arms hit with the cold air before a warm body replaced it, crammed against his on the twin bed that wasn't meant to be shared. He could feel Mello shaking, his fingers digging into Matt's collar bone and it felt like he was trying to bury himself in Matt's skin. Hot tears met his shoulder, rolling off from Mello's burning cheeks.

"Mello what-"

"I... Look I'm sorry I know this is really fucking weird but. I just can't sleep and I had a nightmare and if you want me to get out I get it but..."

"No it's fine!" Matt's heart was hammering in his chest and he wondered if Mello could hear it. "What was the nightmare about?"

"It was a long dream... my father was there... blowing his brains out as usual. I never actually saw it happen, just the body afterwards so I don't know why my brain keeps re-enacting it. But then the blood, it formed this red number two over my chest and I couldn't scrape it off, and I knew everyone would know when they looked at me, that I'm only second best." He choked, his lips wet and whispering the words against Matt's skin.

He knew that this was sleep deprived, stress ridden Mello, and that this much would never come pouring out from him under normal circumstances, that he would have to pretend it never had in the morning. It was a part of being Mello's best friend, listening and talking and diving deep into each other one minute and then covering in all up again the next, barely scratching the surface, the hardness and softness coming in and out of play when Matt least expected it. He just had to roll along with it or be flattened and shut out forever in its wake. Juggling Mello's moods was as dangerous as juggling swords, any moment he could be cut open and could bleed out.

"It doesn't matter Mello, whatever's on that list tomorrow it doesn't say anything about who you are or what your worth. You'll still be who you are and as intelligent as you are and I'll still be here.

"It does matter! Don't you see, if I'm second best then that's going to define who I am the rest of my fucking life, Near's always going to be standing over me! I couldn't stand being subordinate to him and my life won't be worth anything because being L's successor is all I want and all I'm good for. There is no consolation prize on this one."

"Your placing way too much on this. I know how badly you want to succeed L but that isn't the only thing to life. You have so much talent and there's so much good in the world you can do with it, you just have to see past this. Even if Near's first it doesn't make him better than you."

"But if Near's first than that means L believes in him more than me."

"It doesn't matter what L believes. You have to believe in yourself. I believe in you! Doesn't that count for something?"

"It does fucking matter! He's never wrong, so if he places Near first then it means he is better than me. And you don't fucking get it at all because you don't want anything, you don't understand how bad I need this because you've never wanted anything in your life, you don't care about anything!"

"I care about you."

Mello doesn't have comeback for this, it shuts him right up completely. His body stops shaking and his racking breathing slows down and deepens, falling into sleep in Matt's arms. Matt lies awake, staring at the mattress above and absentmindedly running his fingers up and down Mello's back and through his hair. He knows for a fact that Mello cares about him too, even if he refuses to admit it out loud, but he doesn't know if it's as strong as the way he feels because in a way Mello's right. He doesn't care about anything else in his life. He loves to learn, to read, and to explore the world of gadgets and technology but at the end of the day nothing captures his attention like the boy in his bed. Nothing matters more. It all comes back to him.

_

Mello has already left without him when Matt wakes up, the sheets still warm where his body used to be. No one goes to breakfast that morning. Their all crowded outside Roger's office when Matt descends the stairs, waiting for him to come post The List L sent in with Watari the previous night on the bulletin board, the one all of them had been on strict orders not to sneak down and try and take a peek at before it was time to look at it. Mello has dark circles under heavy lidded eyes that struggle to stay open, but it hasn't stopped him from elbowing his way to the front of the crowd of children. Near's up there as well and Mello seems to be refusing to look in his direction. Matt squeezes his way to stand by his best friend's side, but Mello isn't looking at him either, his eyes are fixed to the office door.

When Roger finally comes out, the crowd falls from chatter into tense silence. The List is surely there inside that white envelope, the one he shields against his chest as he shuffles to the board looking exhausted and grim as ever. He pulls it out in the dead quiet, the papers rustling together as he pins them down and takes a step back, fixing them with a stern glare before allowing them all to surge forward.

Matt sees it before Mello does and turns away from whatever happens next. The order hasn't changed since Ryuzaki's original test. There's Near's name at the top of the page, followed by Mello's and then, always to his shock, his own. He is concerned when there is no loud swearing that he expects from Mello and turns back to realize that his friend is gone with no trace in sight. He approaches Near reluctantly, but the boy doesn't have any triumphant air about him, only a listless, almost melancholy expression in his dark eyes. A finger twirls a lock of his white hair.

"He ran outside as soon as he saw, I believe you'll find him where the two of you usually play. Good luck."

Matt spun on his heels and sprinted out into the yard, afraid that Mello had gone further than the soccer field and had fled the grounds completely, but sure enough, as usual Near was right. His best friend was there, violently, slamming soccer ball after soccer ball into the net. His foot slipped out underneath him with the sheer amount of force of one of his kicks and he lays flat on his back in the snow, unmoving. Matt doesn't touch him, just plops down next to him, waiting for him to speak.

He doesn't. The butt of Matt's jeans is wet and his arms are numb and pink with cold and he imagines that Mello's skin touching the snow is much worse, and he draws the line as the sun moves higher into the sky, and reaches out to shake Mello's shoulder.

"Come on Mello, let's go inside. You're going to get sick if you keep lying there without a coat like that."

Mello makes no response but doesn't resist Matt pulling him to his feet and leading him back inside Wammy's, upstairs to their room instead of to class which he knows they will be unfit to attend today. Mello slumps down on Matt's bed as Matt wraps a blanket around his shoulders, shaking some snow out of his hair.

"Your present is in my dresser, if you don't mind getting it. Happy birthday." He finally whispers, his voice quiet and raspy. Matt does what he says and finds a small rectangle wrapped up in red tissue paper. He tears it open carefully.

"Mello thank you... Jesus this must have been expensive." The Nintendo DS is sliver and glints in the mid afternoon light in his hands.

"Hey, don't take the son of God's name in vain. And it wasn't so bad, second hand but it works perfectly well and it came with the games. I knew you wanted one the way you were drooling over the ones we saw in the city, and you put up with so much shit with me, you deserve it."

"It's too much man. I'm so sorry Mello, about The List... I wish there was something I could do-"

"There's nothing either of us can do but its okay. I accept what I have to do now. I just have to have to push myself harder than ever to prove to L that I'm not second best to Near, that this may be the only mistake he's ever made in his life but that it is a mistake!"

"Oh Mello I don't know if that's-"

"It's a good idea! It's my only fucking idea; you know that I can't live like this knowing he thinks I'm less than him. I'm going to show everybody that it's true, that I'm meant to be L's successor! Nobody can stop me, not even you!"

"I'm not going to try and stop you, and I don't think L thinks you're any less than Near. We all know that you're just as smart as he is, it's just that you're different people and Near's more well..."

"What?! What is he more than me?!"

"He's just, he doesn't care as much as you. He's meticulous, like a machine he just needs to solve every puzzle because that's what he was made for. And maybe L thinks that it would be easier for him that way, since he'll be able to lead the lonely life that his job requires with no attachments. Maybe L cares about you too much to sign you up for that Mello."

"Cares about me?! He doesn't give a damn about me, today proved that. He knew exactly what this would do to me and he doesn't even show his face here to clean up the aftermath of his decision because he can't spare any of his time to deal with that. He barely even writes to me anymore and the last time he visited was over two years ago. I can hardly remember what he looks like."

"He has to keep his distance sometime Mell, you know that's a part of his job. He's always on the move and having to stay hidden and unattached, and that's just what I'm saying, maybe he doesn't want that kind of life for you, knows it's not the right one."

"Don't you dare fucking tell me what's the right kind of life for me, you don't have any idea of what I want!"

"Well I wouldn't be able to come along if you were the next L, how would you fucking feel then?"

"That's... that's not true L has people who work with him, people like Watari. He's not completely alone, I wouldn't have to split off from you."

"Well in that case, maybe you and Near could work together." Matt knows it's a mistake as soon as the words leave his mouth, and he can't figure out why they slipped through his judgement.

"I would never fucking work with Near, not even for L! I'm not fucking compromising for this, it's all or nothing."

"Okay Mells, okay..."

Matt watches Mello slowly drift to sleep on his bed, clearly overtired and sick as every once in awhile he coughs or sneezes in his sleep. Matt sits on the edge of the mattress and games for hours, he never tires of being sucked up completely into the animated world's but every once in awhile he puts the DS down and looks at Mello, as if checking to see that he's still there. He wonders what's going to happen to him now, what sort of effect today is going to have on him and for how long? It only takes the next week to figure it out, that it's going to be a long time, possibly forever.

Matt's speciality is technology, his time in the classroom is spent with the expensive computers and tracking devices that Wammy's houses, and he could spend forever working with them but he misses having class with his best friend, whose still in a wide range of studies, all of the ones you need to be the greatest detective in the world, languages and geography and chemistry and criminology and so forth. His classes are all the same as Near's but with a different tutor, and every few months he demands Near to tell him what his marks are, and Near calmly answers and Mello goes into the yard to quick soccer balls. Matt watches from their bedroom window because it's time that Mello demands to be left alone for.

But he spends the rest of his time with Matt. The top bunk seems like it's never going to be put to use again as Mello doesn't even make the pretense of climbing up only to come back down in the middle of the night, just slips into bed before Matt does and hogs all of the blankets. He gets tangled up in them when he wakes up thrashing in his sleep from nightmares, the vivid kind that Matt doesn't seem to have anymore even though even though his tragedies were much less long ago. They stopped the night Mello started sleeping fitfully next to him, but he's still woken up when he pulls his friend out from the web of fabric to allow him to cry against his chest or slip out of the bed to leave to be sick.

Mello's throwing up constantly now but won't go to the school nurse. His throat gets sore and his voice is raspy, and there's red around his blue pupils. He eats but he can't seem to hold anything down except for chocolate, which Matt starts to save up his allowances for to buy in bulk despite Mello's protesting. It seems to help and soon there's only the crying, but Mello's still underweight and lanky as he doesn't eat anything else but vitamins which he chokingly dry swallows down. Matt covers for him but feels guilty doing it, eating most of the food off Mello's plate even though he's not hungry for it. They comfort each other while feeding each other's bad habits all the while.

It's Mello's idea to steal the cigarettes. Both their parents used to smoke and the smell of it coated their houses before they came to Wammy's. They just wanted to know what it felt like, promised each other that it would just be once. They'd get in trouble if Roger knew they were buying them and he checks everybody's receipts, has already warned them that they could get diabetes from the amount of chocolate they go through but hasn't done anything about it for fear of Mello giving him more trouble, but they know that he won't tolerate this.

Matt wants the Marlboros because he likes the red package but Mello orders him to distract the man at the convenience store register while he slips the sobranie black Russians and gold lighter into the waist band of his jeans.

"They're the most expensive ones, Matty. What's the fucking point in stealing something if you're going to get something cheap?"

Matt knows it's also because their Russian cigarettes and wonders if it's the same brand that Mello's father smoked, but doesn't dare ask. When they get back to their room they open the window and lean out to the breath in the summer evening air before promptly choking on the smoke that's caught and burning their throats. It feels like its weighing down Matt's lungs as his head gets light and tingly and he can feel his muscles relaxing and he gets it, he gets that despite his full knowledge and the package proclaiming of how smoking kills and causes lung cancer that people will still chase this feeling, that he's going to chase this feeling and its going to kill him if something else doesn't, and the pleasant burning around his ribcage let's him know that he doesn't care. Mello doesn't seem to be sharing his high, he stubs out the lit end by grinding it into the brick and swears while violently coughing. He leans his torso outside of the window and spits.

"That shit is fucking foul, ugh! My head feels horrible. Damn it Matt why are you taking another drag of that shit, give it here!" Mello snatches the cigarette out of Matt's hand and puts it out as well, glaring at the pack that he tosses up onto the roof of Wammy's, hopefully where nobody would ever find it.

"Mello!" Matt protests but is silenced with a fiery glare.

"Don't tell me you're hooked on that, fuck it was bloody disgusting."

"Well... it felt alright. You were the one who wanted to try them!"

"Well I can make dumb decisions too sometimes alright? But it was a one time thing I fucking swear if I catch you smoking I'll kick your ass and kill you so you won't need the lung cancer to do it for you, you got that? It was a onetime thing and it's over."

Matt does got that, knows that Mello will make good on his threat, but his head is still pleasantly humming and he knows that if he could guarantee that he could swipe another pack without Mello's help that he would. He doesn't see why it's any worse than Mello's vomiting or his chocolate only diet doesn't see how it could ruin his body any more. And so what if it does? Mello's right in one thing, no Wammy's kids know what to do with themselves if they aren't chosen to be L's successor. They've been taught nothing else and they feel lost without that goal. So what's so wrong with burning up those lost feelings a little, puffing them out or throwing them up or whatever else to stop feeling so empty inside, to replace those painful feelings with physical painful sensations? Could anybody really tell them they were wrong for the ways they chose to survive that? Matt didn't think they could and he didn't care what anybody thought. Except for Mello, the respect of his best friend was never worth justifying. For now, he would just have to find another bad habit to wallow in.