Okay so I said a week and it's been much longer than that.

But here it is and I hope it was worth the wait!

Hey at least I got it done before the new year!

Happy 2013 everyone!

RxExR

Chapter 18: Lost

Bridal responsibilities are the last thing I ever thought I would add to the laundry list o f things I always have to do. I mean going to a party and opening presents is one thing, but to have to wake up at three in the morning because of some unknown pre-wedding crisis? No way.

I almost slip back into unconsciousness after Hotaru's initial wake up call, but of course that little witch knows me better than that and calls me back at five minute intervals to make sure I am doing my morning routine in a quick fashion and will get my tail to the venue ASAP. I want to cry because I'm so tired, but I suppose it could be worse.

Bridesmaids typically have to stuff invitations, make centerpieces, and deal directly with a crazy bridezilla, but fortunately for myself and the rest of the bridal party our bridezilla is a queen of organization, schedules, and knowing who to call so the only finger she has to lift is the one that manipulates the dial pad. I dig my dress out of the back of my closet where I store it for safe keeping and grab my keys. Youichi is sound asleep in bed as I jump into a pair of jeans and my sweatshirt. I wrap him in his thick blanket and manage to carry him, my dress, and my purse out of my apartment and down the stairs to Tsubasa's. I only have to thump on the door once because Hotaru has harassed Misaki into waking up so she can take Youichi for the morning.

"I'm so sorry." I say sheepishly managing to bow deeply with a small child in my arms.

"Don't worry about it." She says cupping her mouth for a yawn.

I hand her Youichi in a swaddled bundle and peck his forehead. I managed to squeeze her and Tsubasa on the guest list for the wedding by reasoning with Hotaru that I couldn't possibly do my bridal party duties if I didn't have anyone to watch my brother. She asked me why couldn't Natsume and Ruka just watch him and I know she could hear my eyes roll over the phone.

The devil's silver Mercedes is parked out front when I stumble out into the cold.

"I hate you." I mutter slamming her door shut behind me.

To which she responds by handing me a cup of piping hot coffee and turning up the heater.

I take a big sip and feel a hundred times less tired, "I take it back."

She just pulls off the curb.

We drive in silence with only the dull hum of the radio and my coffee sips filling the void.

"I should tell you that your social worker is a weasel." She says suddenly.

I shake my head a little assuming I had imagined her words out of exhaustion, "What?"

"A dirty little snake. I don't like being at the tail end of blackmail, but it seems that my friendship with you is bringing on a wave of new experiences."

"What are you talking about?" I repeat more clearly.

"I received a call late last night from your social worker. He asked me some runabout questions about you to which I responded curtly. In retribution for my curtness, he practically demanded that I place him on the guest list to the wedding so that he may 'observe you in a public setting'."

And then she snorted.

Hotaru Imai actually snorted out of anger.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea-"

"That's the whole point. You're not supposed to know, but if that moron thinks for one moment I'm going to let either of you embarrass me he's got another thing coming."

With that, she steps on the gas and weaves through the morning traffic with excellent precision. Hotaru pulls into the parking lot of the Venetian Palace, where the reception of the century is supposed to take place. Hotaru's parents rented the massive ballroom as a pre-wedding present for the couple. I stumble in behind Hotaru until we get to the ballroom where Shizune is standing in front of her other prim and proper looking bridesmaids. I look around as Hotaru and I take our seats and notice that everyone aside from me looks like they are fully rested and on their way to brunch while I, on the other hand, look like I just left the gym. I decide that I'm too tired to care and slurp down more of my coffee.

"The guest list has expanded out of proportion so I need a more hands-on approach for the seating arrangement. My wedding is in one week and I will not have this room looking overcrowded and chaotic. Names will be cut, feelings will be hurt, and at this point I could not care less."

She starts handing out clipboards, "At the top of the first page is the name of your section and the tables included in it. Under that is a map with the tables and number of seats drawn out and below that is a list of names. Make them fit. Cut off low priority media, we'll send them a fruit basket, cut distant relatives and low level business partners. Do not disappoint me ladies."

We disperse to our sections and start on our tasks. Hotaru slashes off names without having to leave her seat. I read through the list which fortunately has a subtitle for each person in parentheses whether they are media or distant relatives.

There are mostly media persons in my section. Why would you want so many media outlets at your reception? Receptions are supposed to be fun aren't they?

"Mikan? Something wrong?" Shizune asks coming up behind me.

I shake my head and smile, "Not at all. I guess I just don't know where to start. You have so many media guests."

"It was Mizuki's idea. She thinks the coverage will be good for us."

"But aren't most media people out for a juicy story? A catfight in the bathroom or someone falling into the cake?"

"I think you've watched too many dramas." She says scribbling down on her own clip board.

"I just don't think anyone is going to relax with an entire press conference sitting back here. Receptions should be fun."

"And what would you suggest?" she asks raising an eyebrow at me.

"Well if you cut out all the press that would save you space, give the other tables better visibility-"

"Less mouths to feed." Hotaru chimes in handing Shizune her clipboard.

"And no one to interfere with your photographers shots with their excessive flashing."

"Excluding the press will just invite wedding crashers and scandal."

"Well this is an Imai event so just beef up security and appease them somehow. Fruit baskets?"

With that, Shizune just walks away to inspect the other bridesmaids' progress.

"She knows you're right, but my mother is a hard woman to say no to." Hotaru says taking my clipboard. She slashes names off the list left and right and hands it back to me and walks off.

The rest of the morning is spent waiting for Shizune to finish deliberating with the broad-shouldered men in charge of moving her tables around. Afterwards we follow her to a much smaller reception room where we are served a breakfast feast. I find myself thankful for my best friend and her massive appetite as we both sit there devouring everything in sight, at a dignified pace of course. The other bridesmaids spend the majority of the meal picking at egg whites.

They're so busy picking and chatting, they don't even notice Hotaru and I eat an entire plate of bacon while making glances at each other as if we are stealing it from them.

Shizune passes out our wedding day schedules which are peach colored and laminated.

"I'm sure you all can read, so reading this aloud will be redundant, but bear in mind that if any of you are late you will be cut from the wedding party without fail. Try to be a half an hour early to all scheduled events."

Looking at Shizune's list as we all file out of the reception hall, I realize I'm about feel the full force of what it means to be a bridesmaid in one of the most anticipated weddings of the year.

Yikes.

The funny thing about counting down to something is that it can be both exciting and terrifying like the countdown to the new year or the countdown on a bomb. Counting down to the Imai wedding was like counting down to a bomb going off. Watching the weeks and days and then hours get smaller and smaller I felt like I was going to hurl at several instances, but somehow I managed to keep it together.

With Natsume still hanging around and no one really noticing the two of us are disappearing from time to time. Going to the coffee shop or even just taking the long way to my apartment after working at the bar. We're in this weird in-between place where we don't address the couple-like behavior that we engage in.

Asking about it seems like it would break whatever spell we're under, the spell that makes this weird behavior okay as long as it's not acknowledged. Anna teased me about who my date to the wedding was going to be. I laughed it off with Luna in eavesdropping distance and said I didn't have anything like that.

It's not like we're really dating anyway.

And now it's six a.m. on a Saturday morning and instead of getting ready for work I'm sitting in Rini's Salon with my fellow bridesmaids getting the royal pedicure and manicure set with green gunk smothering our faces. Shizune is in the back room getting an oil massage that will make her skin look soft, flawless and have that wedding day glow that all brides are supposed to acquire.

We all have to have matching peach nails with glitter at the tips. Our makeup will be done in a similar fashion with shades of peach and orange eye shadow blended together. Our lipstick will be pink to match Shizune's peonies bouquets.

After being scrubbed, filed, and painted, we are plucked and coated with foundation and bronzer. Then the daunting task of sitting absolutely still as we get our hair styled, which is no small feat considering first is the wash and dry, then the blow out for volume, flat iron for sleekness, and then a curling iron to create the ringlet affect. Then said ringlets have to be pinned up on both sides of our heads and the look is topped off with a silk pink ribbon.

While Shizune is left behind to get her own make-up done after her massage, the rest of us are ushered through the side entrance of the building and into a black SUV. There are tons of tabloid reporters trying to sneak pictures of the pre-wedding preparations so everything we do is kept secret. We all had our phones confiscated and are being ushered around by security detail dressed as civilians to be a little more inconspicuous.

Yeah, beefy guys in sunglasses standing outside a beauty salon is the epitome of incognito.

Because of the staggering amounts of media wanting to cover the event, the wedding couldn't be held outside or in a place that had too many entrances or low windows with high visibility. The church is perfect with stained windows and only one entrance protected by security. There's even a bag check for cameras and recording equipment. The guys are invasively thorough.

We manage to make it to the church and through bag check fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. The small room reserved for bible study has been converted into a dressing room where we get the finishing touches of our makeup done. I'm slipping into my dress when Shizune is ushered in with a giant dress bag in tow by one of the security guys. Hotaru yanks up my zipper and fashions my bow in time for all of us bare foot bridesmaids to help Shizune into her dress. After the dress is fashioned and the ribbons at the back pulled and tied, all bridesmaids are ordered into our heels and then the photographer is let in to take the pre-wedding photographs.

"Where are my shoes?" Shizune asks while fixing her veil.

I pick up the periwinkle, diamond studded shoes and bring them over to her.

"Mikan I can't see anything down there." Shizune says swatting at a bridesmaid for touching her veil.

"I got it." I say before mindlessly crawling under Shizune's wedding gown.

Her feet are small and dainty. I tap her left foot with my finger and she lifts it so I can slip on the shoe. I do the same with the right and crawl out from under her to find everyone staring at me.

"What?" I ask getting up.

"You messed up your hair stupid." Hotaru says before anyone can stop staring at me with their mouth agape and fixes my curls.

"Oh sorry." I say adjusting my ribbon.

"You're such a funny girl." Shizune says looking at me for a moment, "Thank you."

"No problem." I say dusting my knees.

The other girls went back to tending to their dresses and faces to make sure they looked perfect with the photographer still snapping away. Hotaru fastened her bridal party gift around Shizune's neck and adjusted her veil. The wedding is scheduled to start at noon and with the expert and careful planning of Shizune and the heart-stopping fear the mere utterance of the Imai name gives to all parties hired for the event, no one dare make a mistake.

The flowers have been reviewed a dozen times. The decorations have been photographed from all angles and sent to the bride a dozen times to ensure perfection. The caterer has ordered fresh ingredients from all parts of Japan to ensure quality and freshness at the reception. The cake has been baked, scraped, and remade at least three times due to frosting design error. The arrangements at the reception hall were only finalized five minutes before Shizune's hair appointment, so it goes without saying that everyone is holding their breath and treading very lightly.

Subaru fired the entire wait staff for wearing the wrong aprons only to have his mother hire them all back without his knowledge, which, according to Hotaru, made home life really tense.

When is it not?

"Just a couple more hours and we both will have lived through this." I tell her as I fix her ribbon.

She just huffs in response and picks up her bouquet. It's time to start lining up. My heart is playing pinball in my ribcage making breathing impossible.

The guests are still being seated as we all stand there like cattle getting ready to be herded down the field. My feet already hurt and my palms are beginning to sweat. You'd think I was the one getting married. I close my eyes and steady my breathing. All the hard stuff is over; all I have to do now is make it down the aisle without falling on my face. Stand at the altar throughout the ceremony smiling like it's the happiest day of my life; walk back up the aisle again without embarrassing myself and take some post-wedding pictures and then it's over. I take another breath.

Now smile.

Walking down the aisle was the easy part. Pretend to be walking in semi-slow motion and smile while looking straight ahead, take your place at the altar with your bouquet slightly raised and keep smiling for the photographers and videographer while looking up the aisle for the rest of the bridesmaids to join you.

There is a gasp as the music changes and Shizune and her father are standing at the doors. She looks so overwhelmingly beautiful in her white gown. I can see Hotaru's mother squeezing her husband's hand and crying.

Weddings always seem a lot faster on television. Probably because they cut out all the boring parts and play music all throughout the ceremony. As the priest continued to speak I focused on smiling and looking like this wedding is the best thing I'll ever be a part of in my whole life. I can see Youichi perched on Misaki's lap with Tsubasa sitting beside them looking like he really wanted a cigarette. Anna, Nonoko, Nobara, and Hoshino were a few rows back while Sumire, Luna and Gretchen managed to snag second row seats. I can feel the intense glares coming from them when they realized a poor waitress like me got to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of the century. The heat from their hate beams made the rest of the ceremony fly by and kept my smile glued to my face.

Natsume is also in the wedding party with Ruka, but we aren't paired up to walk down the aisle together. I silently thank the cosmos for this because walking down the aisle with him would have been impossible. I got paired with one of Subaru's colleagues from the hospital who wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but by no means hideous and by the grin on his face he wasn't disappointed with me by a long shot.

The post-wedding pictures were actually a lot of fun to take because the photographer wanted everyone to loosen up so he made the bridesmaids take off their shoes and run around in the grass and made the guys carry us around on their backs. Natsume and I made eye contact on several occasions and I can only smile at him when we do. I get a familiar fluttering in my stomach when he looks at me and smirks; like we have our own secret language that is completely no verbal, just looks and smiles and smirks.

It's brisk outside with a chilly breeze, but with all the running around and everyone focusing on looking good for the pictures, no one really noticed. There are two rather large limousines waiting to take us all to the reception venue. The bride and groom get their own private limo and the rest of the bridal party loads up into the back of the second. Coincidentally Natsume and I sit across from each other in the limo and play our little game of quick glances. Of course the other bridesmaids are thrilled that Natsume and Ruka are in the bridal party, but with Ruka's arm draped over Hotaru's shoulders, they dare not say anything that can be construed as flirting.

As a matter of fact, they best not say anything to either of them at all.

The girl's busy themselves talking to the other males in the limo while simultaneously trying to get Natsume's attention, but when he's not glancing at me he's staring out of the tinted window with a look of disinterest on his face. I want to ask him what he's thinking about, but talking to Natsume with this many people around to analyze our every move doesn't sound like a good idea at all.

After the presentation of the new Mr. and Mrs. Subaru Imai, the food is distributed on the most beautiful china I have ever seen. My gut instinct is to check on Youichi and make sure that his food is cut the way he likes and no one puts wasabi anywhere near his plate, but sticking to my bridal duties I must sit at the bridal table and eat as dignified as possible while the photographer continues to snap pictures.

The toasts soon follow and Mizuki gives a very tearful speech about love, devotion, and sacrifice. Her husband gives several pointers on how to deal with an angry wife that actually gets people chuckling. Several friends and close relatives make short remarks of mostly "Good luck" and "Congratulations" to the beautiful couple.

I feel someone nudge me and turn to see Hotaru looking at me.

"Say something." She whispers.

I shake my head vigorously, "No way."

"The debt you owe me for your social worker's invitation will be alleviated if you stand and say something nice. That way I don't have to."

I seal my lips together in defiance, but another sharp point in my ribs sends me flying out of my chair and then all eyes are on me.

"Um… Hi, my name is Mikan Sakura and I'm a bridesmaid.

Pause.

"But you probably know that seeing as there are six of us wearing the same dress."

Chuckling.

I smile and clutch my champagne glass, "I haven't known the Imai's very long, but they are a very interesting family almost like royalty. It's to be expected that an Imai wedding would be nothing less than amazing. But it's not about the wedding or the guests or the gifts, it's about love."

Cue awkward eye contact with Natsume.

"It's about being with a person who understands you and makes you want to be a better version of yourself. They make you want to smile more and do things you'd never thought you'd do. Maybe even do something that terrifies you because that's how much you love them. You don't want anything to get in the way of that love because when we die we leave all our possessions, but we carry with us the love of others. Being in love isn't having a grin plastered on your face all the time. You can get mad, you can cry, you can scream, but just remember this moment. Take it with you and never forget that to love and be loved is the greatest thing in the world."

There is a pause while I wait for someone else to stand and speak, but no one seems to want to follow my act.

Behind me Hotaru stands up and raises her glass, "To the bride and groom."

Glasses clink and for the first time since being ejected from my chair, I take a deep long breath.

"Nicely done." Hotaru says sitting back down in her chair as chatter fills the room.

"I will bask in your praise after I'm done being furious with you." I huff.

But my anger dissipates with the arrival of large slices of red velvet cake. The dances soon follow starting with the first dance of bride and groom then the bride and her father where some other fathers and daughters join in.

It wasn't until that moment that I realize that I will never have a father-daughter dance at my wedding or anyone else's for that matter. I get a familiar pit in my stomach coupled with a pang in my heart. I never stop to think about the things I'll miss out on with my dad because the lists can literally go on forever and I'll just end up an emotional crying wreck.

Besides who the heck would I end up marrying in my current predicament?

I realize that now that dancing has started I can finally sneak away and look for Youichi. I've seen him only twice today and I can't help but miss him. The music changes and people are dancing and mingling amongst themselves as I try to navigate through the crowd. Before I can make it too far Saoto, the social worker from the underworld, stops me dead in my tracks. His glasses look extra shiny and his tuxedo looks brand new.

"Mr. Saoto." I say more out of surprise than as an actual greeting.

"Miss Sakura, what a touching speech you gave and thank you very much for the invitation. I have yet to see Youichi anywhere though."

"He's here somewhere." I say in a very blasé manner so he doesn't sense my panic.

What must he think about me abandoning my brother to play dress up in a fancy wedding? I can only pray that him being here has gotten me some form of brownie points.

"In fact I am going to go see him right now." I declare.

"I'll be watching you Ms. Sakura." He says before stalking off into the crowd.

I hasten my pace and try to locate Misaki and Tsubasa. I catch a glimpse of them standing by the bar talking to a guy in a suit, but no Youichi in sight.

"Where's Youichi?" I ask loudly not caring that I am rudely interrupting their conversation.

"He had to go to the bathroom." Misaki says blinking at me.

"You let him go alone?!" I shriek and take off for the doors before they can stop me.

The bathroom is down the hall from the reception hall, but Youichi could easily get lost or taken by some stranger. How can Misaki and Tsubasa do that? I know there are a lot important people here, but do you seriously get so star struck that you completely forget your responsibilities. I'm so mad I can practically feel steam erupting from my ears. I bang frantically on the door.

"You-chan? Are you in there? Youichi?" I bang louder.

My heart is pounding in my ears and full blown panic mode has set in, but before I could burst into the bathroom and overturn every urinal, a familiar voice seeps through my maddening thoughts.

"What are you doing?" it asks.

I spin around and see Natsume standing a few feet away with one hand buried in his pocket and the other hand holding Youichi's. Anger and relief swell inside of me like lava ready to erupt.

"Where have you been?!" I practically scream although I don't know who I'm more mad at in this moment.

I take hold of Youichi's shoulders and kneel down till we're eye level, "Don't you ever disappear like that again! You scared me half to death!"

I straighten myself up and turn my anger towards Natsume, "And you?! What the hell do you think you're doing?! You just walk out of there with him like it's no big deal?! Without even telling me?!"

"Calm down." Is all he says.

"Don't! Tell me to calm down, okay?! He is my brother, my responsibility and if anything had happened to him I would have-"

"I'm sorry." Youichi says breaking me out of my mental motor mouth tirade.

He wraps his little arms around my bare legs and squeezes, "I'm really, really sorry nee-san. I won't do it again."

Rage and relief turn to regret and sadness as I hug his little tiny body to me and sigh, "It's okay. You just really scared me. Don't go where I can't see you."

"Mikan!" I hear Misaki calling.

"It's okay I found him." I tell her as she comes over out of breath.

"I was trying to tell you that Natsume offered to take You-chan to the bathroom. I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I didn't really give you time to explain."

"I'll take You-chan inside." She says looking from me to Natsume then back to me.

"I'll be right there." I say as Youichi takes her hand and follows her back into the reception hall.

I turn back to Natsume with 'I'm sorry' carved into my expression, but he looks really pissed off.

"I'm sor-" I begin.

"Why did you yell at him like that? He just had to go to the bathroom. He didn't do anything wrong." He said trying to control his volume.

"I know. I just overreacted." I reply sheepishly.

"Overreacted? You're freaking insane."

"Look, I said I was sorry and I meant it. Youichi and I being separated is my worst nightmare if anything happens to him I couldn't go on living."

"He was with me." He snapped.

"I didn't know maybe you should have told me before you ran off with him!" I shouted.

Silence.

A couple of people wander out into the hall to take calls on their cell phones. Natsume grabs my hand and tugs me to the emergency stairwell.

I take a deep breath, "Natsume I am sorry. If I had known he was with you I wouldn't have acted like that. You know I trust you with him."

Another moment of tense silence between us, then his face softens.

He runs his hand over my cheek and pushes my hair back over my shoulder, "Don't be so jumpy all the time idiot."

"I can't help it." I say breathlessly as he leans in to me.

His lips press to mine for a sweet and tender moment, but I find myself not wanting to be sweet or tender. I grab the front of his tuxedo and tug him closer to me. His arms wind around my waist smooth as velvet rope and before I can change my mind, our open mouth kisses chases away any glimmer of resistance. Laughter coming from the reception hall forces us inches apart. His breath tastes like cinnamon on my lips. He trails his thumb across my bottom lip and places a peck there before reluctantly descending the stairs.

I want to ask him where he's going, but I keep my tingling lips closed. I always thought kissing was a particularly disturbing exchange. 'Swapping saliva' with another person just gives a bad mental image, but with Natsume it's sweet and smoldering. The type of kissing one reads about in books and dreams of every night alone in bed.

I take a few seconds to collect myself before returning to the hall where Youichi is waiting for me. In acknowledgement of my guilty conscience, I allow him to eat several slices of cake and revert to my typical over-attentive self.

Most bridesmaids' responsibilities spill over into the reception like helping the bride use the bathroom or perhaps cleaning up after the festivities. In the life of the rich and glamorous, the reception is a one hundred percent party zone. No getting trashed and dancing on tables, but there is a relaxed air even with the cameras flashing.

The rest of the night is filled with dancing and drinking. I twirl around with Youichi in my arms completely forgetting about Mr. Saoto who seems to have completely forgotten about us as he chats quite familiarly with one of the other bridesmaids. I don't see Natsume for most of the night and he only makes an appearance when it's almost time for the bride and groom farewell. When gift bags and centerpieces are all distributed, the bride and groom race through a cloud of white confetti and are loaded into the back of a Rolls Royce. Shizune actually smiles from the back window as she and her new husband are driven away. The rest of the bridal party and guests are left to wait for the valets to bring their cars around.

"Is Natsume taking you home?" someone asks.

I turn to see Hotaru wearing Ruka's tuxedo coat over her shimmering dress looking blankly at me as I help Youichi into his coat.

"I thought I'd just take a cab." I reply simply.

"Are you worried about them?" She asks gesturing to the flock of Natsume admirers as they stand around watching him and Ruka like they're prime cuts of beef.

I shrug my shoulders and smile, "I think I've had enough excitement for one day."

"I'll call a car for you." She says placing her hand on my shoulder for a brief moment.

I smile, "Thanks Hotaru."

Ten minutes later Youichi is fast asleep in my lap as we ride home in the back of one of the Imai town cars. I've survived one of the craziest days I'll ever have in this new life of mine; a bridesmaid in a huge wedding that had every magazine wrestling for a seat in the back pew. I slip my shoes off and scrunch my toes tightly. It's a miracle that I've managed to not leave a trail of blood in my wake. Youichi shifts in his sleep and resettles against my stomach. I find myself drifting off into the space in-between sleeping and waking; my mind fuzzy with the weight of the day's events and my lips still feeling that familiar spark.

I guess I can longer deny the fact that I trust Natsume and maybe this flame that is consuming me isn't just external. There's a spark that he ignites when he's near me. Touching me, kissing me, even arguing with me, there is a part of me that feels so much more alive.

Maybe this pang of desire is more than just the surface.

A few days after the wedding, I had another important day to mentally prepare for.

Youichi's sixth birthday

If you think running away from home and starting a new life with a child depending on you is tough, then you probably have never planned a birthday for that child.

I mean how on earth are you supposed to plan a party for someone who hates parties, people, and surprises? In a frustrated huff I throw my pencil across the room.

"Oi, that's my pencil." Natsume says picking up the pencil.

"Sorry." I mutter taking down my ponytail.

He accepts my apology by thumping the pencil on my head. Study sessions in the Hyuuga penthouse while Youichi and Aoi watch television has become a regular occurrence on the weekends. Aoi orders room service and hauls Youichi off to the game room and Natsume forces me into hours and hours of studying. And by studying I mean he listens to music while lying in bed and I sit at the desk with a mountain of books in front of me and try not to pass out. Then he'll come over and lean over me closely, moving my hand across the pages trying to explain something I did wrong or don't understand.

Drowning in his scent, melting from his body heat

Yeah, an ideal environment for studying

I run my fingers through my hair and sigh.

"What are you thinking so hard about? Can't be math." He says resting against the desk.

"It's Youichi's birthday. It's in a few days and I want to throw him a party, but I know he'll hate it."

"So don't throw him a party."

"But everyone deserves a party on their birthday."

"But he doesn't want a party."

"Oh, he doesn't know what he wants. He's five." I grumble crossing my arms over my chest like I'm the one who's five.

Natsume takes my wrist and unfolds my arms, "Don't throw him a party."

"But I can't just do nothing."

"Well, what do you normally do on his birthday?"

I think back to Youichi's last three birthdays. I'd bake little cupcakes after Persona and Yuka lock themselves away in the bedroom. Putting frosting on cupcakes in the dark is not easy mind you. I'd creep back upstairs in the dark and place the tray on the floor and stick little candles in each cupcake, light them with a single match and go back to my room. From the crack in the door, I can see him creep out into the hall and blow out his candles and take his cupcakes into his room. I always wondered what he'd wish for. He'd never say thank you or acknowledge me in anyway before or afterwards, but I'd always find the empty baking tray in the hall the next morning.

"Just cake." I respond.

"No presents?" He asks.

"I never know what to get him. So I just bake for him."

"Well maybe you should take him somewhere." He suggests intertwining our fingers.

"He's not really a zoo or aquarium kind of kid." I pout.

"I didn't say take him somewhere lame. Take him somewhere he'd like to go."

I sigh in defeat and rest my head on the table. I can feel Natsume tugging at my hands, but I'm honestly too depressed to pay my not-boyfriend any attention right now.

Somewhere he'll like?

"Don't think so hard." Natsume says finally succeeding in putting me upright.

"You'll hurt your brain."

Before I can retort, he pecks me on the lips and smirks.

"I have an idea."

But he wouldn't tell me what this idea was. Even after several hours of studying, even after lunch with Aoi and Youichi, even after my constant begging which he just used as an invitation to kiss me, he still wouldn't tell me. He does that a lot now by the way, ever since our impromptu make out session at the Imai wedding. That's what happens when you don't scream bloody murder when a guy kisses you. He thinks he can just do it all the time.

Despite all the kissing and displays of affection, he's still very careful about it: making sure no one sees, making certain that we're alone before he tries anything. It's enough to get my blood boiling, but his kisses quell my mounting anger. I become this spineless noodle that can't hold an argument when he gets that look in his eye right before he kisses me.

A playful smirk on his face, a mischievous glint in his eye and then he'll look me right in the eyes, glance at my lips and then back to my eyes. Then he leans in and teases me by only coming so close and forcing me to close the gap. 'Insurance' he called it when I finally felt brave enough to ask. His way of making sure I want to be kissed as much as he wants to kiss me.

I hate him.

The day of Youichi's birthday I still hadn't come up with anything so I settled for doing what I always do. I cook him his favorite breakfast giving him extra strips of bacon.

"So You-chan what do you want to do for your birthday? We could go to the park. The weather man said it would be warm today."

Youichi shovels more scrambled egg into his mouth and shakes his head, "Natsume-nii said he has a surprise."

I roll my eyes, "Do you have to ca`ll him that?"

"He said to not let you take me anywhere lame. He'll be here soon. He promised."

I chug some orange juice and try to look as sour as I feel. Natsume would not let me know what Youichi's birthday surprise is going to be so I have no idea how I'm going to top it. I can't let Natsume and his countless riches give my brother a better birthday than I can. But since I have no idea what the surprise is, a feeling of hopelessness has descended on me.

Not to mention some bitterness towards the object of my not-affection.

After breakfast Youichi plops himself on the couch and I start on the dishes. As I'm drying the last plate, the intercom buzzes. Thinking it's Natsume I drag my feet to the door, but it turns out to be a delivery guy. I buzz him in and sign for the large box he hands me when he finally makes it up to our floor. Youichi is at my side as I bring the box into the kitchen to open it. Inside is a letter addressed to me:

Baka,

Just put it on. I'm sending a car to pick you up.

-N

I toss the letter on the counter and shift through the contents of the box.

"You have got to be kidding me."

And for a moment, Youichi looks slightly amused.

We arrive at our surprise destination in our designated attire and the bitterness I felt earlier turns to full-blown resentment.

Anime Convention

A whole legion of people dressed up in costumes from their favorite animes and mangas, gathering together to revel in their bravery.

When I went through the contents of the box and discovered a small red coat for Youichi I initially thought that the box was too big for just one coat. Upon closer inspection the box contained two complete outfits for Youichi and me, including wigs. Youichi was all too eager to lock himself in the bathroom and put on his new outfit. I was not as enthusiastic.

You wouldn't be either if your outfit included a black bra top.

But the words from Natsume's note are burned into my brain.

Just put it on.

As if he knew I would be resentful.

Bastard

But after seeing some traces of excitement in Youichi's face, how could I possibly refuse?

So here I am. Standing outside of the Nagoya Convention center wearing a black bra top and purple mechanics overalls tied off at my waist, a red bandana on top of a blonde wig and brown gloves on my hands.

A perfect Winry Rockbell if I do say so myself.

Youichi steps out of the car behind me, a perfect replica Edward Elric down to the blonde wig, white glove, and auto-mail arm. He even made sure to grab his pocket watch from under his pillow before we left. Why he keeps it there I'm not sure.

Luckily most of the guys attending this event are more interested in their own costume authenticity than ogling girls. In the middle of the countless school girls, sailor scouts, and half demons, there is a person dressed in a full suit of armor holding onto the hand of a little old lady. The old lady holds a pipe in her free hand and uses it to wave when she spots us. She drags the hunk of metal over to us and it's only when I hear her voice I realize that it's Aoi.

"Aoi?" I give the girl a once over.

Her make-up is astounding making her look like a real old woman. I look up at the hunk of metal and knock on the helmet.

"Oi." It says irately.

I laugh, "Natsume? This is your best look yet."

"Shut up stupid girl." His muffled voice says.

But he knows he can't best me today. Not in that costume.

Several hours of walking around the complex, waiting in line for autographs, and playing games to win prizes, I am exhausted. My feet are killing me and I have a ton of prizes to carry, but Youichi is actually having fun with Aoi, so I really can't complain. Right now they're taking pictures with a couple of school girls who think they are absolutely adorable.

"Hey there Winry. I got some auto-mail that could use a tune up." An older gentleman says suggestively.

Before I can offer a witty retort, my knight in shining armor (literally) comes over and gives the man a not gentle shove toward the crowd. There would have been an altercation had the man not landed among a group of girls dressed as Lolita princesses.

"Thank you Natsume. Not just for the sleeze-ball, but for today. Youichi is having a really great time."

He doesn't say anything.

"Why are you wearing that anyway?" I ask, "You could've been a solider or something instead of wearing this heavy suit."

Again, nothing.

"Cat got your tongue?" I ask.

Silence still.

"Okay, what is your problem?" I reach for his helmet and he jerks away.

Of course this only invites me to really try and get the helmet off. In a desperate attempt to stop me he actually shoves me into a passerby.

"Oi. Aki-san. I said 'low profile'." The person says.

I look up, "Wha-? Natsume? What the hell?"

The person in the suit removes his helmet to reveal a dark haired boy I've never seen before, "Sorry Natsume-sama."

In shock I find myself speechless as Natsume pays and then dismisses the boy.

"What?" he says finally.

"What do you mean 'what?'?!" I practically scream, "That wasn't you? This entire time?"

"Obviously," is his response.

I shake my head in disbelief, "You are impossible."

I turn away from him to go collect Youichi and Aoi, but he grabs my hand. I jerk away from him, "No. Not this time."

After gathering the kids from their little photo shoot, Youichi wins a little trophy for his costume. Natsume tries to hold my hand several times, but all it takes is for me to see him not wearing that metal suit to make me mad all over again. I plaster on a smile in front of the kids, but he knows that underneath my pearly white pleasantries is a scowl that can turn graves over. The kids just think that Natsume has changed out of his costume and they don't even realize how pissy I'm being about it.

With the convention wrapping up for the day, we decide to go grab a late lunch/early dinner before heading home. Youichi decides that he wants pizza of all things and we walk a few blocks to a pizzeria down the street.

"Are you done being mad yet?" Natsume asks me as I'm standing at the counter.

"With you? Never." I reply.

"Just-"

I hold up my hand, "No. You know what? I'm glad this happened. Shows your true colors I think, that you're really not all there. If you didn't want to go, you shouldn't have gone through all that trouble."

"I thought that Youichi would enjoy it."

"Well he did. Too bad you weren't around to see it. Does it bother you at all that I spent an entire day with a guy calling him 'Natsume'?"

I pick up our pizza from the counter and bring it back to the table. Aoi can barely contain herself, bouncing up and down as I distribute the slices.

As is typically the case where Natsume is concerned, I really have no clue what I'm really angry at. Because he wasn't there and I thought he was? Because I feel like he lied to me? Or is it simply because what I thought was a beautiful gesture just turned out to be some guy Natsume paid off to be his stand in? Or maybe it's because I feel like Natsume's only interested in the more high risk functions of our relationship: kissing in stairwells and sneaking off. Maybe the prospect of spending an entire day with me when there is zero chance there will be any sneaky couple behavior holds no value for him so he just decides to not be here.

Maybe I've allowed myself to just become another conquest: a difficult one, an entertaining one, but a conquest all the same.

The realization makes my eyes sting, but I'm not going to let some jerk make me ruin Youichi's special day.

By the time we arrive back at my apartment, I am more than ready to slam the car door and never see Natsume Hyuuga ever again, but if such things in life were made easy I'd suffer a lot less. Unfortunately both Natsume and Aoi have no intention of going home just yet and follow us all the way up to our apartment. I shoot Natsume some dirty looks, but keep my mouth shut to keep from hurting Aoi's feelings.

As soon as I unlock the door, Aoi darts to the light switch and floods the room in dim fluorescent light, but on the coffee table I see a stack of presents wrapped in brightly colored paper.

"Wha-," I begin.

"They're for you You-chan!" Aoi announces taking his hand and dragging him over to the boxes.

I turn to Natsume, "What is all this?"

He just shrugs in response.

"Here's one from Hotaru-nee, Ruka-chan, and everyone." Aoi explains unstacking the boxes.

It's like a Youichi Christmas in our apartment. With help from Aoi, the terrible twosome tears through his gifts: a handheld game console from Hotaru, a new pair of soccer cleats and shin guards from Ruka, strawberry cheesecake from Anna, a chemistry set from Nonoko, a picture frame from Aoi where she puts our photo from the convention.

"Mikan-nee, can we have some of this cake?"

"Of course you can Aoi." I say taking the cake tray from her.

I take my time slicing the cake making sure to preserve the strawberry slices Anna expertly placed right along the edge of the cake. My cupcakes are hidden in the oven and that's where they'll stay. After a day like today, I don't want to remind him of the past. Plus Anna's cake will definitely taste one hundred times better.

I give the kids their cake slices and go into my bedroom to get my clothes ready so I can take a shower. Natsume rests against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest and I know I owe him an apology, but I'm still miffed about the whole substitute thing.

"Are you done being mad now? It's getting old."

"Well sorry that my feelings grow tiresome." I mutter in response.

"I couldn't be in two places at once."

"So you just send someone to stand in for you? And you don't even tell me?"

"Maybe I should be mad. That you were too dumb to realize that it wasn't me." He smirks.

Instinctively, I just want to insult him and storm into the bathroom and slam the door, but I've found a more effective way to get a rise out of Natsume.

I shrug my shoulders and sigh, "You're right. I guess I should've realized it wasn't you. He was so quiet and generous. He held my hand so sweetly and won me so many stuffed animals."

The smirk is gone now.

"What was his name again? Aki? So cute too. You wouldn't happen to have his number by chance would you?"

I think I successfully struck a nerve.

He leans off the door frame and steps into the room, "Say that again?"

"Which part? The hand holding part or the give me his number part?" I ask innocently squeezing one of my new stuffed animals.

He tears the animal from my grasp and tosses it across the room. I can't help but laugh.

"This is funny to you?"

I laugh harder, "You're totally jealous!"

"Jealous? Yeah right." He says grabbing my blonde tresses.

"You are so jealous that I spent the day with a guy calling him Natsume. I guess you could call it our first date. I hope he calls."

He pulls the wig off my head, "Is that so?"

"It is." I say shaking my head to allow my hair to fall.

He traces his thumb along my jaw line, "Well it will be pretty awkward to date him, when you'll be too busy with me."

I bat my eyelashes, "And why on earth would I be busy with you?"

Instead of answering my question, he descends on my lips again not bothering to give me any room to say no. I can feel his fingers getting tangled in my hair. I can hear Aoi and Youichi playing with his new game in the living not noticing that we've left them alone. Natsume tilts his head and starts kissing me in the same hungry manner that he did at the wedding reception. Whatever he was feeling that night and whatever he is feeling right now is scaring me. There is this edge of desperation. I'm no expert on kissing, but with Natsume nothing is ever simple. His pecks are like little notes 'I miss you', 'I'll be right back'. Longer kisses seem to tell me things that he'll never be able to say out. And his open mouth kisses drive up the temperature and robs me of my inhibitions. I become someone else in that instant because I feel like I may never be able to kiss him again.

He pulls away from me and his ruby eyes causes' electricity to shoot through my body. It should be illegal to have those eyes of his.

"That's why." He says before leaving the room.

My heart is fluttering around like a frightened bird and I have no witty retorts to utter. I've been torturing myself trying to figure out why I stay. All the sneaking around in the dark: who wants a relationship like that?

I always fantasized that my first boyfriend would be sweet and funny. He'd carry my bag, we'd go on cute dates, I'd wear his coat, and we'd have our first kiss on top of a Ferris wheel or under fireworks or something cheesy like that. He'd be my knight in shining armor that would have rescued me from my home life, pull me up on his white horse and we'd ride off into the sunset.

But I'm not the helpless princess in this story. I had to be my own knight and save someone else in addition to myself.

But just because I couldn't wait around for my prince, does that mean that all my prerequisites for a romantic partner go down the drain? Does it mean that I end up with a guy who seems more interested in the secret keeping than in actually being with me?

I peek out of the bedroom and see Natsume sitting on the couch next to Aoi and Youichi with his eyes trained on the television. How did I end up here? What wrong left turn did I take that led me down this dark and cold path of 'feelings'? Feelings for a guy who seems to have none. A guy with the emotional depth of frog.

That's untrue and I know it, but it terrifies me that Natsume might have feelings for me? Aren't I a twit? I'm scared if he has feelings and I'm scared if he doesn't have feelings.

I'm still trembling from the kiss as I back away from the door and sit on the edge of the bed.

Either way I'm terrified. I can't do anything about it , but doing nothing is how I ended up here in the first place. I like where I am most of the time, but all this uncertainty is turning my brain to mush and making my heart hurt.

I wish there was a way of knowing whether or not Natsume is good for me.

A sign that can let me know that I'm going in the right direction.

They say to follow your heart, but what if your heart is the most messed up part of you?

Like a map in foreign language or a compass that doesn't point north?

What do you do if you can't find your way because you don't know which way you want to go?

What then?

So how was it? Please excuse any grammar or spelling errors I try really hard to proof read, but when I finish a chapter I'm just so excited to upload for you guys that I totally lose focus!

Let me know what you think!

We're getting so close to being done with this story I can almost taste it! So send your love, send your reviews, send your encouragement!

Send whatever you like! I read every single one and if I had the time I would respond to every single one, but now it's time to work on Chapter 19!

Lots of Love

Chi-chan