Hello minna-san,
Thank you so much for your constant patience and support. I love reading your reviews from the threatening and crazy to the well-thought out and insightful. You guys give me so much hope that maybe one day I can publish a real novel.
RxExR
Chapter 21: Wayward
Ruka…Ruka is here…Right now…On this train…
Suddenly everything seems distorted as if I just realized that my entire life has been a cosmic joke where everyone, but me, knows the punch line. He smiles at me, but takes Hotaru into his arms. He holds her there for a moment, letting his mask slip revealing how worried he was about her. She allows him a temporary embrace before putting distance between them.
"I'm so glad you guys are alright." He says breathlessly.
I shake my head a bit, "Ruka…I don't understand."
"Well Hotaru has been telling me about the weirdness surrounding you. She was really worried, so I followed you both to the café and then suddenly these strange guys just put you in a car. Then I saw the gun he was holding behind you Mikan and I tried to call Natsume, but he didn't pick up."
I don't recall feeling a gun behind me, but it must have been why Hotaru went so quickly and quietly. She was worried about me and as I looked at her face I can see traces of it behind her eyes.
"I followed you guys all the way to that warehouse, but I figured that that was just a temporary location and I couldn't get you out safely if there were any other guys lurking in the woods. Then I followed you to the train station and stowed away in here and knocked out those creeps as they came in. I think they wanted a smoke break back here." He explained.
Hotaru rolls her eyes, "Dumb luck. They could've killed you easily."
"But they didn't and I couldn't just leave you." He reasons.
"You could've called the police."
"And say what? 'Help my girlfriend and her friend have been kidnapped by muscle-y men with guns?' After everything you told me I didn't think getting the police involved would have been smart. Then again I'm beginning to feel like you haven't told me everything."
"You didn't need to know."
It's Ruka's turn to roll his eyes, "Here we go again. Really Hotaru? If I don't tell you about a dentist appointment, you flip out."
"I do not 'flip out' Nogi."
Ruka sighs in frustration, "Whatever."
"Guys," I interject, "I don't mean to butt in, but we are still on a train with people who want to kill us."
"Kill you two maybe. Persona needs me very much alive." Hotaru clarifies.
I ignore her very good pint, "Ruka you can't take out all those guards by yourself."
"We should find Natsume." Ruka says quickly.
I brush off his suggestion, "The guards probably already found him and are searching for us. Hotaru is right they will definitely kill us."
Ruka sets his jaw, "We have to get Natsume and get off this train."
"Natsume is one of them." I blurt out in frustration.
Ruka is taken aback, "How can you say that?"
"I know it's hard to accept, I didn't want to either, but it's true. I wouldn't have stabbed him otherwise." I say.
"You stabbed him?"
Hotaru takes his arm, "Nogi-,"
He violently yanks away from her, "No! You stabbed my best friend? How could you do that?"
I take an instinctive step backwards, "I told you! He is one of them and I had to get away. I had to save Hotaru."
"None of this would be happening if it wasn't for you!" He barks.
"Ruka! Stop!" Hotaru yells.
"No Hotaru it's okay." I turn a glare towards him, "You're right, none of this would be happening if I didn't come here and get involved with all of you. None of this would be happening if I wasn't here, but you know what? I am and it is. And I can't do anything about that now except try to get us out of here alive."
He continues to glare at me, but he turns away with a huff as Hotaru takes his phone from his jacket pocket, "She's right. We don't have time for this."
"What are we going to do?" I ask.
"We need to get the hell off this train." She says.
There's a rattle as the train goes around a curve, "They don't know that Ruka is here. If we can move through the cars and take out the guards a few at a time, we can make it to Persona's car." I deduce.
"Take them out?" Hotaru repeats.
"Not kill them of course, but you seem pretty good at hitting people in the face with that thing." I say gesturing to the semi-automatic weapon hanging over her shoulder.
She shrugs, "We should probably just kill them."
"Hotaru we can't kill them. They're just goons- people with nothing better to do. They wouldn't have the balls to do any of this if they weren't so scared of Persona. We just have to knock them out."
"Let's go before this train gets to wherever it's going." Ruka announces.
The three of us start making our way to the front of the train expecting dozens of guards in every passing car, but so far nothing. As we reenter the car where I was being kept and the scene of Natsume's stabbing, I'm beginning to get the feeling that this is a little too easy.
Where is everyone?
Where is Natsume?
"Am I the only freaking out?" I whisper.
I can feel Hotaru's eyes roll behind me, "Yes."
"I'm just saying I thought we would meet with a little more resistance."
"They can't kill me and Persona's not going to let those idiots risk it. They're probably all waiting for us to get to the front of this train. They're going to kill Ruka that Cassandra chick will slice your face off and I will be forced to negotiate with a maniac."
"You're probably right, but we can't risk it. Hotaru take this and give me the gun"
I hand her the knife put the gun strap over my shoulder. The hardest part about improvisation is not knowing how you're going to portray your character. It's not scripted, the plot hasn't been devised, and you haven't had any character background given to you. That's how it is on stage anyway. Improv in real life is a whole lot scarier. A misstep can cost you a lot more than deducted points in a theater class. As I let my feet guide me through the cable car with my sweaty hands wrapped around the gun strap, I try to push myself out of my body.
Maybe if I watch the scene that is about to unfold from a safe distance, I can make a better judgment call. Whenever I was on stage or up at the podium I'd pretend to be someone else: an award winning actress, a professional speechmaker. Someone important. Someone who has spent their entire life preparing for the moment about to play out before them. I was some shell of a girl constantly pretending as I went about my daily routines. I dodged questions, danced around topics and told so many lies, I started to believe myself. Being out of my own body is a coping mechanism that allows me to deal by making the situation less real.
I'm just playing a part. The role of girl who knows how to hold and fire a gun, a girl who can slay her demons without breaking a sweat or batting an eyelash, but as I try to sever the connection to my physical body as I have done before, it seems my ability to do so has left me. The fear and pain that I have felt over these last few years is swelling up inside me cementing me to my body. Flashes of painful memories burn inside my chest and it is as if I am reliving them all at the same time.
"Open the door Hotaru." I say pointing the gun to the doorway.
Ruka holds her arm, "Maybe I should go first."
"No it has to be Hotaru." I say.
"She's right they won't shoot me. They need me alive." Hotaru agrees.
Ruka narrows his eyes at me, "There are plenty of places they can shoot you and you can still be alive Hotaru."
"They won't risk it." Is her response.
He turns to me, "You just want to use her as a shield to save your own skin. I know you're scared, but there is a better way."
"Ruka I really don't have time for this. You're angry and frustrated, confused and you don't know what the hell you're doing, but I have news for you: none of us do. We're all running around like chickens sans the heads. That man- that thing in there is the one holding all the chips. We have to go in there. So do you want to walk in or do you want to wait for them to come out here and drag you in?"
He doesn't answer me.
"At least this way you can have some dignity." Hotaru snaps before opening the door loudly.
Hotaru enters the first class travel car with precise movements that I mimic as I follow behind her. I can't see Ruka's expression as he follows behind us, but I can feel him trying to bore a hole into the back of my head. Why shouldn't he be mad? I stabbed his best friend and put his girlfriend in mortal danger.
A fine little resume I've built in a matter of hours.
I have the gun positioned to the left of Hotaru's body, weary of any accidental discharge. My stomach does little flips as I spot Persona twiddling his fingers, a new nervous tick perhaps. Natsume is shirtless in the opposite seat being tended to by Cassandra who looks up from his wound long enough to give us a sneer.
"Well now that we're all here maybe we can put this business to bed." Hotaru announces.
"An excellent idea." Persona drones.
"So here's what's going to happen I'm going to write you a check for an obscenely large amount of money and in exchange you let us all go and never come back."
Persona chuckles darkly, "Am I now?"
"Yes you are. You can't kill me nor risk hurting me or you're going to face the wrath of my father and the entire Imai enterprise and you don't want that." She says matter-of-factly.
"True, but I have an alternative plan." He rises from his seat and instinctively I raise the gun so it's pointed at his face.
The guards surrounding us would probably gun me down before I can even squeeze the trigger, but I don't lower the barrel. Something about having a big powerful death machine in my hands pointed at the person I hate the most makes me feel a touch more serene that I should be in this particular situation.
"Something occurred to me while you all were making a mess of things. I'm going about this all wrong. Why should I use you to get to your father to get what I want? I already have you and you are just as powerful as he is with your own connections. So you're going to do what I want and if you refuse I'll take off one of blondie boy's fingers."
"How original," she declared, "Is that all?"
"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation right now princess." Cassandra says.
She stands from her perch by Natsume and takes a step towards Hotaru, "It's not a transfer of funds. It's giving a piece of the whole damn pie."
Hotaru rolls her eyes, "I'm aware that you probably only have a fourth grade education with a first grade reading level, but the rest of us have grasped the situation quite fully."
"So what's it going to be?" Cassandra asks trying to keep a lid on her mounting anger.
"How exactly am I supposed to do anything from a moving train with no internet connection and no computer?"
Persona smirks, "The beauty of the new age is that computers can fit into the smallest of places."
He pulls Hotaru's cell phone out of his pockets and waves it slightly, "Like pockets. Genius, this world we live in now."
Cassandra takes the phone from him and hands it to Hotaru, jerking it back before Hotaru can grasp it, "No tricks or your friends leave here in body bags."
Hotaru snatches the phone from her grasp, "Obviously."
She clicks away at the screen as Persona sits down and Cassandra begins to pace. You can choke on the thick tension in the air. After a few minutes, Hotaru is still going at her phone and Cassandra is visibly losing her patience and becoming more nervous.
"You better not screw us over." She says.
"She wouldn't risk the lives of her so called friends." Persona says calmly.
"She can send out some discreet SOS without us even knowing." Cassandra argues.
"We won't have to worry about that when we get to the end of the line." Persona consoles.
Cassandra flops back into a chair and folds her arms tightly over her chest. Natsume, who has managed to work a shirt over his head, is now standing among the other guards having some kind of telepathic conversation with Ruka that requires intense, unbroken eye contact. I feel almost silly having the gun in my hands still trained on Persona who smirks at me from across the car. This entire exchange is a lot calmer than I originally anticipated, but I still feel a lot safer being armed.
I wonder what's at the end of the line. It was too much to hope for that this train was just traveling in a giant circle, but now I know we're heading towards a new destination referred to as 'the end of the line'. So that doesn't exactly inspire good faith.
Every second that passes, the air gets thinner. My gut continues to twists uncomfortably and my heart can't decide between pounding furiously and stopping for extended periods of time.
"What is taking so long?" Cassandra vents furiously.
Hotaru scoffs, "You think moving stocks and signing over companies on a cell phone is going to be lightening quick? You're dumber than you look."
Cassandra leaps to her feet, "Just get it done princess. Before this train stops or else."
Hotaru looks up from the screen, "Or else? That's what you're going with? Very intimidating."
Cassandra grabs Hotaru by the neck, "Do you feel that? The train is slowing down. You have only a few minutes before things get ugly."
"I would deliver a comeback to that statement, but that is way too easy." Hotaru says as if Cassandra's hand around her throat is nothing more than a fashionable scarf.
"Cassandra, why don't you take a chill pill?" I say feeling more annoyed than scared.
She blinks at me, "Oh Mikan, I totally forgot you were here. You've served your purpose, so why don't you do us all a favor and get off the train. I think we're nearing a cliff, you can just jump off of that."
I bite back a sarcastic remark, reminding myself of the position I'm in. This isn't some catty confrontation in the girls' bathroom over who spoke to who's boyfriend at a mixer last Saturday night. This is life or death right now. If Hotaru is stalling for time or has some plan up her sleeve, I have no idea what it is and can only hope that I don't screw it up too badly.
Assuming that there is a plan
The 'end of the line' can be another abandoned train station where we all get lined up and shot when Persona has what he wants.
The slowing of the train is more noticeable now, we are drawing to the close of this train ride and while I struggle with my breathing, Hotaru seems totally at ease.
"I need a routing address and a company name to complete the transaction." Hotaru says.
"Haruji can input those for you." Cassandra says as one of the guards steps up to claim the phone.
"Haruji will provide me with the information so I can input it myself."
"Hand it over Imai." Cassandra commands.
"This is a sensitive operation and I can't risk him screwing it up." She turns her stare towards Persona, "You really want to trust some idiot with this?"
Cassandra finally snaps and throws Hotaru up against the nearest wall which causes a chain reaction: Ruka barreling after Cassandra, Natsume tackling Ruka, guns being raised, all while the train screams to a halt. Hotaru maintains a grip on her phone and a glare at Cassandra who is seething. The fact that no guns went off is a miracle considering the amount of nervous fingers on triggers including mine.
"End of the line. Cassandra, release Miss Imai so we can conclude our business." Persona says eyes trained on the two.
Cassandra battles with herself before releasing Hotaru from her grip, "Hurry up your royal highness."
Hotaru rubs her throat, "I don't think I will."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me." Hotaru drops her phone on the ground and smashes it with the heel of her shoe, "You can go and screw yourselves."
Cassandra looks totally perplexed and Persona raises an eyebrow. Struggling to breathe morphs into a complete inability to intake oxygen, but before Cassandra can throttle Hotaru or the guards turn their guns on us, I'm pulled to the ground roughly as an explosion rocks the left side of the train shattering the glass windows. I can feel the shards land in my hair. The gun is crushing my hand as I lie on top of it and whoever pulled me to the ground is on top of me making it worse.
"Freeze!" an authoritative voice bellows.
Large cans emitting gray smoke entering through the shattered windows quickly make it difficult to distinguish any particular person. I dig my knee into the side of the person on top of me and scramble back into a wall. I can hear Cassandra screaming for Persona, and Reo cursing as he struggles against something.
"Hotaru!" I scream into the haze trying to let my eyes adjust.
"Mikan!" comes her choked voiced.
"You bitch!" Cassandra screams.
As I get to my feet and stumble forward, I can make out Cassandra straddling Hotaru on the ground trying to strangle her in all the confusion.
"Hey bitch!" I yell and she jerks her head up toward me.
I drive the butt of the gun into her face with all my strength causing her to fall back and hit the ground with a vicious thud. I help Hotaru to her feet and squeeze her tightly in my arms. We are ushered by two pairs of hands off the train and into the fresh night air. I never thought I'd ever be so relieved to see large men with huge guns ever in my life, but when the have S.W.A.T. printed on their helmets and jackets I'll make an exception.
Just this once
I try to make myself pay attention to the commotion around me. Persona's lackey's being thrown off the train and handcuffed none too gently, Police officers and flashing lights everywhere, the entire train being stormed by armed men on the right side of the law. It's like the whole world is screaming, but I can only hear white noise.
I won't be okay until I see him.
The slain dragon being toted away in handcuffs, but the seconds feel like hours and I break from Hotaru's embrace and the guiding hand of our saviors and bolt back onto the train before anyone could register that I wasn't supposed to be there. The smoke is fading, the car is empty and there is no sign of Persona. I manage to frantically run through several cars before being restrained by the members of the police force and made to exit the train.
I'm breathing hard as the crisp, cool air of the spring night suddenly turns into thick smog. The train is empty, it hasn't been confirmed, but I can feel it. In every strangled breath I can feel that he is not there. He has disappeared in a wisp of smoke like the devil himself.
It isn't until my throat feels raw that I realize that I'm screaming. To onlookers I'm a traumatized girl who has gotten over the initial shock and is now settling into a hysteric panic. I'm kicking and scratching and fighting and screaming. I want to break free and run.
Run where?
He's found me once. And now I have taken everything. The deal is gone, Hotaru is safe, and his crew and leading lady are being loaded into the backs of armored trucks in two sets of handcuffs. Even Cassandra's swollen eye, obviously broken nose, and bleeding temple does nothing to soothe me.
I'm rabid and inconsolable. I can hear someone calling my name, but all I want is to run. Even as the world fades away and my eyes drift close, I can still feel my legs twitch.
Sedation…
It's like death without the commitment.
Even when you're awake, the world is distorted and twisted. As I struggle to open my eyes to rejoin the waking world I feel as if I'm submerged under water. I blink a few times and try to force focus. I try to reach my hands up to rub my eyes, but the bed restraints make that impossible. I panic and start to flail my limbs only to discover my feet are bound as well. A pale hand on my forearm draws my attention to Hotaru who looks like she's been aged.
Were we not two eighteen year old girls just last night?
"Hotaru?" my voice is thorny, my throat raw.
"I had to authorize the restraints Mikan. You kept scratching at yourself. Tearing into your hands and stomach, I couldn't watch it anymore." She says almost remorseful.
"Scratching?"
"You were digging your fingernails into everything. They had to keep putting your under, but I was afraid the medicine could have some bad side effects so I authorized the restraints and took you off the drugs."
"What happened?" I ask struggling to make sense of her words.
"You flipped out. You ran back to the train like a mad woman and when they removed you it was like some primal force exploded inside of you. You almost took a policeman's eye out. The paramedics had to sedate you as a safety precaution. They want to do a psych evaluation on you, but I told them that it wouldn't be necessary."
"Where's Youichi?" I ask struggling against my restraints.
"Calm down Mikan. Youichi is fine. He's staying with my parents while we sort this whole thing out."
"What does he know?"
"He's a kid Mikan, but he's not an idiot. He knows that we were in a dangerous situation, but that's as far as it goes. He doesn't know about Rei."
"Persona." I correct.
"Yes. You freaked out because you knew he got away. How did you know that Mikan?"
"I knew because it wouldn't come that easy." I say my words swelling in my throat.
"What wouldn't?"
"My freedom."
"Mikan he has nothing. Reo, Cassandra, his drug empire, the money, even some of his contacts, they've all been apprehended. He can't even do business now. He's no one."
"You're telling me this like it's supposed to make me feel better, but all I'm hearing is that he is now a man with nothing left to lose."
Hotaru withdraws her hand and sighs, "The police are working around the clock to track him down Mikan. He wouldn't dare come back. He'll just find a hidden stash and go overdose in some crack house somewhere."
I laugh dryly, "Hotaru Imai is quite the optimist."
"Only when Mikan Sakura is a pessimist. We have to keep some kind of balance."
I take a deep breath, "I know him. He's not going to stop. He feeds on his rage and right now he probably has more rage than he knows what to do with."
She takes my hand and squeezes, "Everything is going to be fine."
It's no longer clear if she's trying to reassure me or herself.
"How's Ruka?" I ask, forcing a change in subject.
"Battered and bruised, but he'll live. He and Natsume had quite the falling out after we were taken off the train. They settled for punching each other more than anything else. Natsume was holding back though. I guess he figured Ruka just needed to blow off steam and he himself needed to be punished."
"Why didn't they arrest him?" I ask sharply.
"Do you want him arrested?" she asks blankly.
"You're not answering my question. He's just as much a member of Persona's gang as anyone else who got carted off. Why not him?"
"Because no one would believe that Natsume Hyuuga, a living legacy would be mixed up in something like that. They assumed he snuck on to the train with Ruka."
"And Ruka allowed that?'
"Ruka was the one who made the statement confirming it."
I scoff, "So just like that all is forgiven? I'm just supposed to forget everything that he did to me?"
"Whether you want to believe it or not, Natsume thought he was doing the right thing and keeping you safe. He didn't know about us being on the train that night."
"And I suppose you believe that."
"Mikan, he is trying to atone for what he did. I'm not telling you to forgive him, but I want you to really think about what it is you want. Do you want him to go to prison?"
I want to say yes, but how can I? After everything we've been through together how can I just write him off? I stabbed him in his shoulder and just thinking about it makes my stomach twist.
She draws back her hand, "There's more to the story than what you think."
"What do you mean?"
She stands and goes to the door, "He should tell you himself."
She exits and I try to relax, but being restrained to a hospital bed does not inspire relaxation. I spend the next few minutes trying to wiggle my right hand free as the door to my room slides open. Natsume wearing hospital pajamas and dragging an IV stand behind him looking more like a model shooting an ad than an actual patient. He face is covered in bruises of various colors and his left arm is in a sling. Over his shoulder I can see a police officer slide the door shut.
"Nice bracelets." He says.
"Nice face." I retort instinctively.
He makes his way over to the chair Hotaru vacated and sits down with some difficulty.
I nod toward the door, "Security or babysitter?"
"Both. You were on suicide watch and you did assault me with a deadly weapon."
"Luckily for you my telekinetic abilities haven't kicked in yet otherwise you'd be bouncing all over this room."
"Still hate me?"
"Still a lying, low-life, good for nothing jerk?"
He sighs deeply as if reminding himself this isn't our usual banter. Behind the words is the weight of everything that has transpired over the last few months.
"You slept for two days straight then they cut back your meds and you started hurting yourself. The police wanted to get a statement, but your mental stability was called into question so Hotaru took care of everything."
"Did you lie?"
"What?"
"When you gave your statement, did you lie?" I clarify.
"No. I didn't give a statement, Ruka did."
"So you let Ruka lie for you?"
"After pounding me like he did, I guess he felt like I had had enough."
"He was wrong."
"I'd lay here and let you take a swing, but you actually might kill me."
"Only seems fair, you almost got all of us killed."
"Mikan I already told you I didn't know about the train thing. If I did, it wouldn't have happened."
"You're delusional."
He sighs in frustration, "No, I'm a mole."
What?
"I'm a mole Mikan," He explains as if I had spoken aloud, "When Reo approached me the first time an investigator showed up at my house and asked for my help. They wanted Reo and his crew out, but they didn't know it would lead to Persona and the biggest drug bust in over a decade. So I agreed to help because I thought it would be amusing, but then you got involved and everything got conflicted. I didn't want the police to find out about you because then they would start a profile and start to research you. I know Hotaru had already taken precautions, but I didn't want them to dig anyway. Then Persona told me all that bullshit and I didn't know what to think. I handled it badly, but I wasn't ever not on your side. I was the one who left the latch open so Ruka could get on the train. I just knew he'd be there. I'm the one who told the police what train we were on and turned on the GPS in Hotaru's phone. I am the one who left Hotaru a message on her phone saying to stall until the train stopped and then smash the phone. When her phone disappeared off the tracking unit after the train stopped that was the signal to move in. I just had to hope that none of you would get killed before we reached the end of the line."
"So you never wanted to be in Persona's gang? It was all crap."
"Not all of it. Not when we were together. Every stupid fight we had, every time I kissed you, that was all real."
"You just expect me to believe that?"
"No I don't. I know you don't trust me. I've given you a million reasons never to speak to me again, but you told me you loved me so much it makes you want to die."
He looks away from me as he pauses. He rises from his chair with difficulty, "I don't want that."
"Want what?"
"I don't want you to feel like dying. I want you to feel how you think it should feel. Like dessert or whatever."
He's slightly embarrassed.
"I don't want to feel anything for you." I roll my head to stare at the blank wall on the opposite side of the room.
I listen to him breathe and slowly shuffle from the room. The hall is filled with murmurs that are silenced as the door slides shut again. It occurs to me that one of the few times Natsume has tried to reach out to me, this time I have shut him down completely. He left with the silence of a man defeated. I know I'm doing the right thing though. Natsume and I can't be involved with each other while Persona is still out there. If he finds out Natsume played him for a fool and then turned him in, he might want him dead more than me, but I will always be his number one which means Natsume and I together is a bad idea. If Persona still thinks that I hate him, maybe he won't figure it out.
Do I still hate him?
I can't describe the relief that washed over me when he told me he was a mole with no interest in being in a gang. I know it's not as simple as that though. The opportunity presented itself for Natsume to get a taste of this dark lifestyle with no real consequence, but it did take a psychological toll on him. He battled with his demons and danced for the devil. There is no way he got out of that situation unscathed. Physically, emotionally, and mentally there will be opened wounds that may never heal. I want nothing more than to erase them and make it all go away, but unfortunately we have our crosses to bear.
Whatever the hell that means.
It hadn't even occurred to me that our little train scenario took place two days ago, but now that I think about it Hotaru was wearing a different outfit and looked freshly showered and made up. My body feels sore as if I've been lying down for a while as well. Two whole days with Persona out there stewing in his rage and failure; maybe I should give Hotaru's optimism a try and imagine that he's overdosed somewhere far away. Oddly enough Yuka comes to my mind. What has become of her? If Cassandra was telling the truth and she was in some institution, now that Persona has no money to send in, will they kick her out on the streets?
Assuming she's even alive.
Cassandra did spill the beans in the heat of the moment and if Yuka was dead, she would take great pleasure in rubbing that in my face. The sweet satisfaction of knocking that psychopath out cold will surely stay with me in my old age.
If I live that long
Right now I want nothing more than to get out of these restraints, find Youichi and reassure him that everything is fine. I have no idea how he's dealing with all of this. It must be so sudden to him: one minute everything is fine and the next minute I'm in the hospital and the cops are involved. I hope Mizuki isn't smothering him; then again she's probably too busy to attend to a six year old house guest so maybe he's been left to his own devices.
Two days later and I am checked out of the hospital and into the smothering care of the Imai household. When a doctor recommends bed rest, the entire house staff is in over drive: cooking meals to Hotaru's direct specifications, changing my bandages frequently to ensure quick healing, granting me any pleasure as requested. The guest bedroom is under constant construction. My first day here and the room was too bright so Hotaru made the maids completely change the curtains and then they didn't match the bed sheets so they had to change those as well. Then Hotaru had a television mounted on the wall since there was previously no need for one in the guest bedroom. My afternoon walks in the garden I had an escort who carried a parasol. I drew the line at being able to bathe myself and wash my hair, but that didn't stop them from laying out fresh clothes and drying my hair for me.
Youichi came back to the mansion from school via one of the limos and wrapped his little body around me and refused to let go. He did his homework and ate dinner in my room, took his shower and snuggled up next to me and fell asleep buried in my side. He never asked what happened or if I was alright. I could feel his relief with every small breath as he slept.
I held him all night and whispered stories in his ear to assure him I was still beside him all night. Hotaru joined us for breakfast this morning and carted Youichi off to school quite reluctantly. After everything we went through, school seems even a more abstract concept than before. I spent most of the day fading in and out of sleep. The doctor prescribed something to help me sleep when my nightmares got too unbearable. Every time I close my eyes I see Persona disappearing in a wisp of smoke, but his laughter getting louder and louder in my head.
I'm awakened from my drug induced nap, by Hotaru who decided to cut the school day short.
"Playing hooky?" I yawn.
"With graduation around the corner, school is quite pointless. The teachers have given up trying to teach anything and just encourage free study which is just periods of mindless chatter about who's going to what party."
I sit up against my pillows, "Sounds torturous."
"Don't mock my struggles." She says sitting on the edge of the bed.
I giggle, "Sorry."
"This showed up at your apartment." She says handing me a thick envelope.
"What is it?"
"Although I am bestowed with many abilities Mikan, reading through envelopes is not one of them."
"But you're Hotaru Imai, you know everything." I say sarcastically as I tear the envelope open.
It's a letter from the adoption agency. My heart leaps up into my throat as I read through the message.
After a long moment of stunned silence, I regain my ability to form words, "He's…mine."
"Congra-"
"Oh Hotaru!" I yell tackling her to the floor.
We fall to the carpeted ground as I squeeze her practically crying tears of joy and Hotaru trying to get away.
"Get off me you idiot!" she yells.
"I'm sorry, but I'm so happy."
"I think I liked you better suicidal." She mutters.
I release her and read through the letter again, there's even a certificate enclosed. Youichi Hiriji is officially Youichi Yukihara. Seeing his name printed out on the page in bold letters makes tears well up in my eyes again.
"Congratulations Mikan." Hotaru says helping me to my feet.
"Thank you Hotaru. Without you I don't know where I'd be."
She shrugs, "Dead."
"Gee thanks."
There's a pause before she speaks again.
"Mikan we need to talk."
I look up from the certificate at Hotaru's even more serious than usual face, "What is it?"
"They haven't found Persona yet and they're going to stop looking."
I sink back down to the bed, "What?"
"They have everything: the money, the drugs, the goons, the contacts, and the psycho mistress. I guess with the snake's body, they don't feel like the head is too important. Since Persona isn't a mafia head or from a elite family, they figure he'll just go back to being a druggie nobody."
"But they can't-,"
"Mikan, listen to me. He isn't the same person from back then. He doesn't have anything. No money, no contacts, no private investigators, he can't hurt you. You have to stop being afraid of him. He's gone."
"Hotaru…I just…I need closure. How can I have that if I never find out what happens to him." I contemplate my next question before asking, "And what about Yuka?"
She sighs, "I'm having my people look into it, but it's rather difficult. There is no way to know for certain where she is or if she's even…"
"It's okay…I know that you're right, but I-,"
"That chapter of your life is over Mikan. It's time to let it go. You can never be happy if you don't. You can never really forgive Natsume if you don't."
"Natsume? I haven't even-,"
"You were calling his name in your sleep a few times."
I can feel the heat creep across my face, "I wasn't."
"He's miserable as well. His mother grounded him till the middle of the next century. His suitors have all been terminated; he doesn't even bother to sneak out of his house. Ruka says all he does is sit around brooding over you."
"He's a brooding kind of guy. It could just be his general broodiness." I defend.
"He's depressed Mikan. I've tried to explain to him that you're just being your normal overprotective self, but I think you really broke his heart. Something no one knew he even had."
I flop onto my back, "I can't Hotaru. I don't even know if I can stomach seeing him again. All the hurt, betrayal, the lying, the secrets, how can I just let it all go?"
She sits next to me, "You hold on to so much all the time Mikan. If being with Natsume makes you happier than it does miserable, you should really consider letting go of your pride."
"This has nothing to do with pride."
"Oh really? Because you didn't feel like an idiot when you found out it was all an act? You hated that you couldn't see that he was pretending and that it killed him so much to do it?"
I prop myself up on my elbows, "Since when are you so emotionally astute?"
"Since my boyfriend lectured me on such things." She looks away from me and sighs, "Ruka was really hurt by the things I kept from him to protect you."
"Hotaru I never meant-,"
She raises her hand to silence me, "It's not your fault and I'd do it all again without a question. I'm just saying I know what it's like to look into the eyes of someone you care about and have to lie to them over and over because you think you're doing the right thing. Natsume is an idiot, don't get me wrong, but he's so in love with you it's practically smothering him."
I don't want you to feel like dying
She stands, "Do whatever you like, just be fair about it."
Be fair? How can I possibly be fair? What does that even mean? Give him a fair chance? Start over? Can I really just let everything go and try to start over and pick up the pieces of my life? Again? I don't know. I crawl under the covers letting the swirling patterns hypnotize me into a fitful slumber. When I awaken, the sun is setting and Youichi and Aoi are sprawled out on the floor playing a game. Aoi jumps up and races to hug me as I get out of bed. Seeing those familiar ruby eyes creates a hole in my chest and I excuse myself to the bathroom before I burst into tears. I settle for a shower and taming my tangled nest of hair.
I let Aoi braid my damp hair so I won't have to look directly at her and I can keep my attitude friendly. Youichi plops himself in my lap and dominates the remote control.
"Mikan-neesan, are you and onii-san not friends anymore?" Aoi asks me suddenly.
"Oh, no Aoi-chan I've just been trying to get better."
"Oh okay. Natsume-nii seems really sad lately."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah! So you definitely have to get better so you can come over and cheer him up!"
I let a small smile break my blank facade. The innocence in her suggestion reminds me of how naïve kids are. They don't much about the world that surrounds them. They're so easily appeased that fights and bad situations lasts for only a short moment. They can let things go so easily without a second thought. If Aoi and Youichi were to have a spat, it'd be over in seconds. If only my life could be so easy. If only I could just wipe my mind clean. When you're a child the smallest of gestures warrants immediate forgiveness. Adulthood is far more complicated. We make each other work to be forgiven. We don't easily relinquish hold on the things that make us miserable. Some of us never let go and let all the bad things fester inside of us like a cancer.
I don't want that.
I bury my face in Youichi's soft tendrils and try to clear my thoughts. Ruka comes to collect Aoi who pouts the entire time and promises to come back tomorrow. Youichi wanders off to the bathroom after Aoi is finally pried from him. I remove the adoption papers from the bedside table and try to keep myself distracted until Youichi returns. With Aoi being here, I haven't had a chance to deliver the good news to him.
When he crawls into bed beside me, I hand him the papers and wait for his reaction.
"What is this?" he asks.
"These are your adoption papers Youichi. I have officially adopted you."
He looks at me slightly confused. I put the papers back in the drawer and hoist him into my lap, "That means that I can keep taking care of you and nobody can ever change that. It means that you and I are going to be together always."
"So you're not going to go away?"
"No I'm not going to go away and no one is ever going to take you away."
"Like Persona?"
"Nobody," I state firmly.
"Okay." He puts the papers aside.
"Okay? That's all you have to say? I thought you'd be super happy."
He wraps his tiny arms around me and squeezes, "Okay."
I smile, "Okay."
We sit there hugging each other and eventually just fall asleep that way. When I wake up the next day Youichi has already left for school and it's almost noon.
"You're certainly enjoying your bed rest." Hotaru says following the maid who brings in my breakfast.
I force myself to sit up, "Actually I'm going stir crazy, but the hand and foot wait service makes it easier."
The maid leaves my very elaborate breakfast tray on the nightstand and excuses herself. Hotaru wearing a white sundress helps herself to a strip of bacon off my tray with a perfectly manicured hand.
"I'm sure it does. You'll have to go to work eventually you know. I'm charging you a fortune for this room."
I gawk at her, "You're charging me for the room?"
"And meals. If hospitals can do it, so can I."
"Nice to see that your heart has returned to its natural sub-zero temperature."
She just helps herself to another slice of bacon, "Warmth and generosity lead to bankruptcy."
"You are quite a creature."
She ignores my comment, "So when exactly do you plan on getting back on your feet?"
I sigh. I know that Hotaru is more worried about me than anyone else because of course no one else knows the full extent of what's happened. Not even Hotaru's parents. Natsume's undercover mole work has been swept under the rug and as far as Ruka and I being there was completely coincidental. I was with Hotaru around the time of the kidnapping, Ruka followed us, tipped off the police and that's why we got rescued before any ransom calls could be made. Mr. Imai wasn't pleased about the situation, but took solace in the fact that it was resolved without injury. Mizuki, however, was distraught, outraged, and panicked all at once. Hotaru's utter nonchalance and my unconsciousness did nothing to appease her. Shizune and Subaru made an appearance to help alleviate the situation, but that didn't stop Mizuki from hiring more security.
"Well?" Hotaru says between bites of bacon.
"No time like the present, right?" I say without much conviction.
"Still apprehensive?"
"I came face to face with the person I left my old life for and he's disappeared without a trace with nothing but his hatred for me to console him. Apprehensive doesn't even begin to cover it. He invaded my life, he knows my friends, where I live, where I work. There are just too many what-if's to consider."
Hotaru places a hand on my shoulder, "Mikan I've reluctantly taken on the task of being your best friend so let me do something only I can do and that's to tell you to get over it."
I can only stare at her with my mouth agape.
"I understand your feelings. I met the guy, I listened to the details of what you went through with him, but I've also watched you change from a homeless, paranoid hobbit into a semi-attractive young woman. Don't let him take that from you. You want to run away again? Don't. Stay and fight. Prepare yourself for battle, but don't forget to live your life. That's what drew him out in the first place. You smiling and laughing and having a better life than you even thought possible. It drew him out once maybe it will do it again, but maybe it won't. Do you want to live your entire life in hiding only to realize there was nothing to hide from?"
I close my jaw and swallow a lump in my throat. I know she's right because she's Hotaru and being right is practically an occupation for her. I fought against the fear and paranoia once, I can do it again. I can prepare myself and learn to live my life without twitching at the sound of every door opening or heavy footfall.
It's just going to even more difficult this time around…
Every day is a battle.
At least that's the post-trauma norm, but for me every day seems dull and muted. It's almost as if the heart-pounding, fear-inducing, alternate-reality showdown that happened almost a week ago has left my life bland in comparison. Not to say that I need a life or death situation to spice up my week, but I have been feeling out of sorts. Going back to work, having to lie and say that my bandages are from the train's shattered windows and not my psychotic breakdown, and having to pretend like everything is alright and answer questions from my friends about what happened without any sign that I was directly involved is exhausting.
I'm dragging my feet and plastering on a smile for the world to see, but I still feel off. Hotaru says it's from the lack of closure that I feel and the sooner I get back into the full swing of things, the sooner I will start to feel like my old self, but who is my old self exactly?
She was a liar and a pretender too. Was there any truth to the person I used to be before this all happened? Maybe I had truthful moments with Hotaru and Natsume, but what about Anna? What about Tsubasa and Misaki? What about every other person I have ever had a conversation with? It's not like I want to have a press conference and stand in front of the whole world and rehash my life story, but is that what it would take for me to stop feeling like this; like I'm in a never ending play about a girl who can't get her truths straight.
The big Alice Academy Graduation is looming and I've already received an official invitation from the twins, Nobara, and Hoshino. Hotaru says she doesn't care if I'm there or not, but Mizuki already has a seat reserved for Youichi and me in their section. What on earth she means by section I have no idea. I've never been to a graduation before and I won't ever have one for myself so I don't know what to expect especially with an elite school such as this one.
Graduation is an event that apparently warrants another round of dress shopping with the twins and I drag Hotaru along just so that she could answer any questions they may come up with, but being in Hotaru's presence makes even mile-a-minute chatter box Anna select her words carefully. Fortunately Anna's talkative nature is greatly increased when shopping is involved once we enter the stores she's off in a tornado fashion pulling garments from mannequins and barreling through racks.
"I think you should wear pink." Nonoko says after Anna's third dress change.
"Like my hair? How original," Anna says from behind the fitting room door tossing her latest reject into the pile of dresses deemed unworthy.
"Why does it even matter what you wear? No one is going to see it under your gown." Hotaru says without looking up from her new cell phone.
"Maybe no one at the ceremony will see it, but everyone on the yacht will." Anna defends.
"There's a yacht?" I ask.
"Yeah Ruka's mom rented out this huge boat for all of the seniors after graduation for our post-graduation party." Anna clarifies.
"Since Alice Academy doesn't support the whole prom concept every year the seniors elect someone to throw the post-graduation party that will serve as a prom make-up, but since we're all technically high school graduates we just call it post-grad party." Nonoko explains.
"No chaperones, no teachers, no lame themes, just one perfect night where everyone gets to dress up, set our final transcripts up in flames, and dance the night away." Anna says dreamily from behind the dressing room door.
She emerges in an emerald green knee length dress with an intricately embroidered bodice. She reminds me of a pink haired Greek goddess.
"Green? As in the color of greed?" Ironically these words come from Hotaru.
Anna doesn't miss a beat, "Green is a very positive color thank you very much. Nature's purest expression of fertility."
Hotaru raises an eyebrow, "So you want the senior class to know that you're fertile?"
Nonoko chimes in, "Besides that's emerald green. Sumire's signature color? She's probably going to wear something similar and far more expensive. Do you want to be the target of another fruit punch accident."
"Fruit punch accident?" I ask.
"Right after Sumire's parents hit the big time, they bought her this gorgeous diamond charm bracelet." Nonoko starts.
"One of those where the charms alone could finance a house." Anna adds.
"Yeah and Anna had just won a baking competition so my parents got her a similar charm bracelet with different colored jeweled charms. Everyone freaked out over it because it was one of a kind." Nonoko explains.
"So Sumire dunked it in fruit punch?" I ask.
"No, at a sleep over Sumire poured fruit punch into Anna's bed and convinced every Anna had gotten her period."
"Oh God." Hotaru says more disgusted than shocked.
"I was mortified, but my mom sorted everything out. Of course Sumire turned around and made the entire situation about her. Long story short, she sort of apologized and I gave up my bracelet."
I can only blink at her, "Really?"
"I still have it of course. I just don't wear it except for on special occasions where there's no risk of running into Sumire."
I can't help but scoff in disbelief, "I can't believe you would give up a precious gift because some crazy witch poured juice on you."
"Adolescence is a very sensitive time and emotional scarring runs deep. Forgive me for my lack of stoicism." Anna says rather annoyed.
"Lack of brain is more like it." Hotaru corrects.
I find myself butting in again, "What Hotaru means is, you shouldn't let mean girl pranks run your life. There are far scarier things in the world."
"You two would know." Nonoko says.
A direct reference to our little train ride of horrors makes my stomach do a little turn, but Hotaru is still as composed as ever.
"Exactly," she manages to say without missing a beat.
Anna doesn't notice, "I was a little girl okay and my best friend slash frenemy was lashing out every chance she got. Excuse me for not erupting into Xena warrior tween."
"If you want that dress you should get it." Nonoko says.
"Well thanks for your support, but the longer I stand in this thing, the more I feel like a Christmas tree."
She stomps her bare feet back into the fitting room and we listen to her struggle to get the dress off before wandering off on our own: Hotaru to check her email, Nonoko to put some of the dresses back and myself to just wander the racks. I let my hand trail along the bright colors and soft fabrics. In my mind I imagine going to my own high school prom and graduation. Would some shy guy have plucked up the courage to ask me? Would I have found the perfect dress? Would I have graduated top of my class? The answers to these questions do not come to me, so I just imagine their outcomes. Getting asked to prom by Mr. Right who will whisk me away into a perfect night, standing at the podium giving a compelling, tear-jerking graduation speech, and tossing my cap into the air and watching confetti rain down as the crowd cheers. Flashes of photos being taken and my future looking bright, but the thought of being in that house with Persona and leaving Youichi alone there to go to college makes me immediately thankful for my current reality.
Now that I think about our departure from that house happened almost simultaneously with Persona's big step up (or down considering) into the shark tank of heavy duty drug dealing. So either way you look at it our lives would have been different, at least by leaving on our own strengths we were able to forge our own path.
Thinking about it that way, this reality is way better.
"I'm hungry." Hotaru sighs.
I turn around to see Hotaru giving a blank stare at me, "Crab cakes?"
"Now," is all she says before storming out of the shop.
I wave my hand signaling our departure to Nonoko and follow Hotaru out onto the sidewalk. The sun is high in the sky and everywhere I turn there are people taking advantage of the warm weather: sundresses, short skirts, and bright colors.
We stroll a block and a half to a bistro where we are seated in a brightly lit sunroom.
I pull off my cardigan, "So I take it you didn't enjoy dress shopping?"
"You've seen my closet. Does it really look like I need more shopping?"
"True, and with your mother being the fashion queen of the universe she may have several selections lined up for you already."
"Twelve to be exact,"
"Woe is you." I mock.
A waitress comes to take our order and I am once again caught up in how bizarre this all feels. How life keeps going, how the world keeps turning, even when your life feels out of sorts. I eat my marinara pasta and sip iced tea like a normal restaurant goer.
"So what are you going to do?" I ask between bites.
"About what?" Hotaru responds.
"After graduation, I feel like everyone has these big plans. Anna is packing for France, Nonoko is shopping for her residential hall at Tokyo University, and their family is planning on having a trip to the States before the girls go off. I just figured you'd have some extravagant life plan."
"I always have a plan, extravagance is exceedingly relative."
"So what is it?" I ask.
"Shouldn't you be asking yourself that question?" She retorts.
I sigh, "I'm not graduating. There's no threshold for me to cross. I just get to sit on my hands and wait for a piece of paper that may open a few more doors for me."
"Well aren't you cheery." She says before taking another bite.
"I'm just realizing there's a lot I won't get to do."
"Walking across a stage isn't a big to do; it's actually quite a nuisance."
"I know, but you get this big ceremony with hats and tassels. Maybe if I had a normal life I would think it's as annoying as you do, but I don't. It's like you're getting a passage into adulthood and I'm just stumbling around in the dark." I explain.
"Maybe the reason you don't have a normal life is because you're not normal." She states.
I roll my eyes, "You always know what to say."
"I'm just saying that you're not normal. That you've been through so much a stupid graduation ceremony pales in comparison."
"Maybe that's the reason that I want it."
"But even when you were trying to be normal you weren't being yourself. Adversity breeds brilliance. Have you ever thought that the reason you don't get normal is because you're above normal?"
"Above normal or just undeserving? I don't know Hotaru my life hasn't exactly been a testament to how above it all I am. It just seems like one long never ending punishment."
She takes a long drink from her glass, the ice cubes clink together noisily, "Roll around in self-pity all you want, but not every girl who runs away from home finds herself months later eating lunch with the heiress to one of the wealthiest, well-known Japanese families nor does she have the heir of an even more reputable and wealthy family wrapped around her pinky. Stop thinking so small."
Even when the words come out of her mouth with no sign of comforting, Hotaru can still make me feel warm all over. She really amazes me, but what amazes me more than Hotaru herself is her uncompromising belief in me. The way she can hear what I'm not saying and bring me to a place of understanding. Even when I'm in my worse possible state she still takes my side and defends me, building me up. My desire for the ordinary is just a hindrance to the life that is being delivered to me. Of all the paths my life could have taken I am more than lucky to be on this extraordinary one.
I remember how much everything glittered when I first arrived here and how it was like being born all over again into a world of magic with princesses, dark princes, white knights, and grand balls. Maybe the reason I feel so out of sorts is because I haven't found my identity in this new place. I have managed to blend in while standing out at the same time. I'm no princess, but perhaps a maiden who has spent so much time working her fingers to the bone and putting herself down that I have forgotten how strong I really am.
My dad comes to my mind. I can see him being proud of how far I've come, but wanting me to go a little further. Not for Youichi or Hotaru or Natsume, but for me: to reach my hand out for something more than just survival.
Only you believe
The phrase had stuck in my head from the bizarre dream I had, but resounded with me even more when the same phrase came out of Hotaru's mouth the night we were taken. I've contemplated it's meaning, but have gotten nothing from it. Then again maybe I'm just thinking too hard. I thought the meaning could be abstract from the dream, but when Hotaru said it she was being her normal, straight-forward self. When I told her it was impossible for me to turn back the clock in my head, she said 'Only you believe.' Only I believe that to be the truth, if I believe something is impossible that automatically makes it impossible. So I guess it's a more subtle way to tell me to believe in myself and my strength.
I know I have to stop being afraid and start living again, but where do I begin? I keep wandering my life like some wayward, misguided spirit torn between crossing over and staying to complete my unfinished business. Lost and trying to distinguish what's real from what's not real.
"I'm not saying that you should go out and try to conquer the world, but you should at least start small." Hotaru announces reclaiming her glass.
"How can I even begin to build something on such a crappy foundation?" I ask.
"Then make a new foundation." She states simply.
"How do I do that?"
"Start at the beginning." She says.
I get the oddest sense of déjà vu. I try to read Hotaru's blank expression, but she just holds eye contact with me for moment or two before going back to her crab cakes. I feel like she's almost hiding something from me, but I can't figure it out. What could she possibly be hiding anyway? Unless it's information about Persona she doesn't want me to know for fear of another psychotic episode.
"Hota-," but the ringing of my cell phone cuts my inquiry short.
The number on the screen doesn't register for anyone I know, but it's not blocked either so I figure it must be a social worker thing. Perhaps my test results are back.
"Hello?" I greet.
A pause "Yes…is this Mikan?" asks a weak voice.
"Speaking. Who is this?" I asks.
"Yukihara Mikan?" a gruff inquiry.
My heart skips a beat, "Yes. Who is this?"
"My, after all this time I didn't think you sound so different, but you were barely a young ferret then."
A deep throaty laugh and something clicks.
"Grandpa?"
We are approaching the end of this epic fanfic. So many mixed emotions as I work on these final chapters and of course I had to leave you with a cliff hanger so you keep wanting more.
Those of you who have been with me for awhile know that it is my favorite way to end a chapter.
So let me know what you think good and bad so I have something to read while I work on Chapter 22.
Lots of Love,
Chi*