Hey guys! So I wasn't sure when I wanted Matt and Mello's actual relationship to start. For a while I thought it would be closer to when the Kira case resumes, when their like 19? But then that made me sad because they would have such a short amount of time to be together together. So now I'm thinking that 17 seems like a good age to start. I can live with that so I hope you can too. Anyways this is definitely going to be the longest chapter I've ever written, so I really hope that you all like it. Please review if you would like to, here is your Chapter 12:
Matt has nightmares about Kira. Well not about him exactly, it would be hard to be frightened of someone when you don't know what they look like or anything about them. The only people Matt had ever been truly frightened of we're his father and those men in the alleyway of Moscow. And sometimes Mello. But mostly now, he's frightened for him. That's really what the dreams are about, nightmares about Mello being killed by Kira. He's known it's a possibility, has considered it since L and Watari died, but it hadn't felt as real or as close then. He doesn't know why he's letting it keep him awake now. He's scared to go sleep, doesn't want to see Mello clutching his chest another time, slumping over with lifeless eyes. A heart attack of course.
So maybe he does know. When the lists of names and pictures of criminals started being posted on the internet around 7 months ago, Mello had ordered him to hack into the sites to take them down, but more and more popped up every day. It was impossible to find them all, he wasn't even close. And Mello wasn't any closer to finding Kira either; they didn't have any leads at all, which led Mello to become more and more frustrated and further involved in the activities of the mafia. Although he had done them 'a huge favour' according to Rod Ross by taking out the rival gang leader, they still didn't fully trust him and weren't loyal enough to follow him in his quest to capture Kira. Yet, Mello would remind Matt constantly. He just figured he would have to do more. But more at what cost? It didn't appear to be bothering Mello on the outside the tasks, the murders the mafia had him performing. Sure he was thin as ever, building up muscle mass slowly as he did countless sit-ups and push ups on their bedroom floor each night, and he still slept fitfully, kicking and clawing at Matt through whatever awful dreams he was having but this was nothing new. But every day it seemed like there was a new layer of thicker skin surrounding him, a layer Matt had to fight tooth and nail to claw to, to feel close to him again.
He barely touched Matt lately aside from when he clung to him when they slept. At first Matt chalked it up to them just spending most of their days at the mafia's hideout when he couldn't, but even when they were at home it seemed like he leaned away from any contact. It had been like this before, he tried to remind himself, when the Kira Case first began with L, so he shouldn't be alarmed, it was probably just stress. But it still drove him crazy. He felt like Mello was miles away rather than just on the chair opposite the couch. This wasn't what bothered Matt the most though surprisingly. What did was that Mello had stopped going to church.
When they had first moved to LA Mello had picked one downtown for them to go to, every Sunday without fail. It was the one day he told the mafia that he couldn't do any jobs, that they simply couldn't make it. Despite Matt's years of atheism he still dragged him along to sit next to him in the pew where he would have to fight to stay awake when Mello stood up and then kneeled and then stood up and kneeled down again. Still, even though Matt kind of found the Catholic form to be ridiculous, there was something beautiful about Mello praying. There was a look of peace on his face that Matt never saw at any other time. A look that kind of spoke of surrender, and it must have been one because Matt is positive that there's no one in this world who Mello would kneel before aside from God, not for all the money in the world.
It had been a shock to him two weeks ago when he had woken up late on Sunday, at about noon. Sure they always had late nights but that had never stopped Mello from waking him up at the crack of dawn to get dressed nice for Mass before. At first he had thought he must be sick, but Mello cursed at him loudly when he woke him up by placing his hand on his forehead to find out his temperature.
"The fuck are you doing Matt?" He groaned, pushing his arm back and rolling over on his side away from him.
"Sorry it's just we overslept! It's Sunday you know, we're going to miss the whole service."
"...We're not going."
"What?! Are you feeling okay?"
"I feel just fucking peachy, better if you hadn't woke me up with your damn gross clammy hands."
"So... why aren't we going then?"
"Because I don't fucking want to okay?! Go back to bed, you're the one who wants to sleep in all the time."
Matt doesn't want to go to bed now. He's wide awake, this is so fucking out of character for Mello that he feels like he's been shocked out of sleep. He feels anxiety clawing its way into the pit of his stomach, hanging on the way it usual does and dragging on the floor like a ball and chain as he pads in to the kitchen to make breakfast. As he pops bread in the toaster he picks up the phone, wondering if Andrea's even awake right now since she sleeps even longer than he does. He's called her a lot lately when he's worried about Mello, before only when he was out of the apartment but he thinks it's safe to say that he's asleep. He would kill him if he found out he had mentioned him to someone, even without any specifics and Andrea doing most of the talking. That's what he liked about her the most really, the part of her that other people probably hated, her ability to chat his ear off. She took all his worries off of his mind by filling it up with the most minimal details about her life, every word of the script she was memorizing, every plot of the movies she was watching, what she had bought, what she was wearing. She was an endless supply of information that wouldn't cause him any extra stress, and it was a great comfort.
"What's up loser?" Very to the point Andrea is. It's how he imagines Mello would answer the phone if they ever talked on it. Except for the 'loser' would probably be changed to a 'fucker'.
"Ah nothin' really. Just woke up, making food. Surprised you're awake actually. My best friend is being really grumpy, like a particularly large stick has been shoved up his ass this morning."
"Didn't you say that he always acts like that? I am capable of getting up early you know, unlike you rich boys I do work. Seriously are you two drug dealers or something? Because I wouldn't want to be friends with a drug dealer, that's really shitty and immoral selling people drugs so you can turn them into addicts and profit off their misery. It's disgusting."
"Haha, no not drug dealers. My friend just has some rich parents." We do work with some though. "He's being particularly grumpy today though, like it's different. He's been stressed I guess, but it's weird for him."
"You know he honestly sounds like a real pain. If you want my advice I try my best to surround myself only with people who give off positive energy. Any negative vibes can really poison you, like those types of people can make your life turn toxic. I still think you should come live with me instead, it's lonely over here Matthew."
Andrea had been making comments like this lately and it was the only thing that really threw him off about her and made him uncomfortable.
"Nah I could never not live with him. We've been like... like brothers since we were little."
"So you've said, but it sounds more like you're putting more effort into the relationship to me and that's not fair. You don't talk about him like he's your brother, you talk about him like you're in love with him. Believe me Matthew, I know all about unrequited love, like that's how all of my relationships have gone and it's a terrible thing to be trapped in. It happens when you're too giving of a person, like I would just give and give and give and they would just take and take and take. But I took control of my own life again by knowing when I should leave, and now I'm so much happier."
Matt tunes the last part of what she says out because he's still focused on her first two sentences.
"What! No I'm not in love with him that's ridiculous he's... he's beyond that. And I'm not putting in more effort or anything he's just like that, he's always been like that. I understand him and he understands me. We're fine."
"You know this is one of those things that come in stages. You're in like the denial stage right now like I used to be. And then one day you're going to snap, you're going to be in the anger stage, telling him you want something more and he's just not going to give you it because that's not who he is. Then you'll be in like the bargaining stage where you fight with him about it, offering him things to get to where you want but you're not going to get there. And then you'll cry and mope around for awhile and then finally build a bridge and get over it. And then hopefully you'll realize what you're truly worth and find someone who actually compliments you, someone who values and respects you as a person and treats you like a best friend but also a lover. Someone who you can really talk with honestly and get advice from. You know, kind of like with me right now."
This is one of the only times he truly hasn't liked where a conversation with Andrea has gone. He likes it when she drones on about herself, not when they focus on the problems he's trying to escape, aside from her being totally wrong about them. He shouldn't have opened the phone call that way, should steer it back to her.
"Uh thanks but really that's not what's going on. I'm really not in lo-"
"Who the fuck are you talking too so damn loudly?"
Matt whirls around to face Mello standing in the archway to the kitchen, dressed for the day in his usual leather and feather lined winter coat, looking absolutely pissed. Matt hits the off button on the phone automatically.
"Not interested! Not interested at all in what you're selling, thank you has a nice day!" He exclaims, slamming the phone down on the counter. "Fucking telemarketers huh?"
Mello raises one eye brow and reaches around Matt for the door of the fridge, pulling it open and showing chocolate bars into the pockets of his coat. Matt is always shocked that he can fit so many.
"And you told them to have a nice day, you fucking chipper little shit. They'll probably call back here. Hey look, I'm going out to get a job done early, so don't wait up okay."
"Uh alright. Fine. I won't."
"Good." He slams his door on the way out.
It's just him and the apartment again. It's been like this a lot lately, just him and the apartment and his thoughts. And Andrea, he thinks as the phone starts ringing but he decides to ignore it. It may piss off the only friend he has aside from Mello, whose pissed at him all the time anyways, but maybe it will get him through whatever 'stages' he has to go through faster, right to the parts where he accepts these horrible feelings of worry, isn't afraid of them anymore. But he still can't figure out how that would be possible. No matter how many times he pictures Mello dying, it petrifies him. They're lives are so closely intertwined that it would mean death for Matt too, he would never live without him. And that scares the shit out of Matt too, scares him most of all maybe. Even more than how his best friend is turning in to somebody else. Somebody tougher and harder and even more closed off, somebody entirely unable to let Matt in. Someone who isn't capable of ever loving him back.
_
Matt wants to get Mello something big for his 16th birthday, even if it's with his own money. He deserves an extravagant present after the crazy year they've had, their first year away from Wammy's house making their way on their own together in the world. Something that's as cool as Matt thinks he is.
They both have fake licenses to match their fake IDs, but they don't have a car. The 1968 Chevrolet Camaro RS/SS might not be the black mafia-esque car that he can picture Mello in, but he figures something red and classic was the next best thing. It's second hand but he pays to have it fixed up, figures it's worth it if Mello will love it like he prays he does. And it's traditional isn't it, at least in the US for upper class kids, getting a car for your 'sweet 16'? Wasn't that what they called it? It's what Mello would have gotten if they both had lived the lives of children with parents, children who weren't geniuses, normal lives. Maybe even earlier with the lifestyle Mello's parents had lived, a lifestyle Matt could never hope to dream of had he gone on living with his own parents.
Even though there's no way that they ever would have crossed paths had fate not twisted their lives just such, Matt still likes to fantasize about it from time to time. Them meeting in a normal setting and growing up together as normal best friends, without all this weight on their shoulders. What would be different? Would Mello still be as hard to deal with? Would he still trail after him like a lost puppy? Would they ever have kissed? Would Mello be able to love him in that alternate world, love him in the way Matt secretly wanted so bad.
It's stupid to dwell on it, Matt admonishes himself on Mello's actual birthday, when he drives the car carefully into the underground parking lot beneath their apartment building, parking far away from the other cars to avoid any damage so that it will be in pristine condition when he takes his friend down to see it. This is the way things are and you just have to do your best to work with them. And he was trying to work with them, he was trying something tonight whether he wanted to admit it or not. He had told Mello that morning that he wouldn't be back till the evening, and the boy had swore at him that he didn't care. But now Matt would walk up there with the keys wrapped all nicely up with a ribbon, show Mello the car, and take him out for a ride in it, maybe out to dinner if he would agree. He didn't like being in public much, but Matt hoped he would. It was pretty goddamn romantic; he had to admit that to himself even if he wouldn't fully admit his feelings. He was being pretty fucking sappy, so sappy he almost grossed himself out.
But he didn't, he was too excited to. His palms were sweating as he rode the elevator up to their floor, as he played with the keys in his hand. He couldn't wait to see the look on Mello's face.
There's something off when he opens the apartment door even if he can't tell right away what it is. It almost feels like there's a different smell to it, like when you enter someone else's home for the first time and there's actually a distinct sense unlike in your own home because you're so used to it, because you smell like it too. It's your home. That was the problem. There was something about the apartment tonight that made it feel like it wasn't really Matt's home.
That's when he notices the shoes on the doormat, the shoes that are most definitely not his or Mello's. Their black stilettos. And that's when he hears the sounds coming from the bedroom and he knows exactly what's going on, it's like a wave crashing over him, but it doesn't stop him from going over and pushing the door open.
"Mello?" He asks and his voice cracks as he sees his best friend tangled up deep in the sheets with a bleach blonde woman he doesn't know who shrieks when she sees him. Mello just looks annoyed.
"Fuck Matt! Can't you knock I-"
But Matt has already slammed the door shut again. He chucks the keys to the car on the coffee table, and goes out in the hall to the stair case that's roped off. It's easy for him to dismantle the fire alarms on the wall so that they won't go off when he opens the door to the roof.
It's cold up there, it's December so of course it is but he doesn't have his coat. He lights his cigarette and looks out over all the city glowing brightly in the dark, all the lights blurring through the tears blurring through his eyes, and LA is just like a movie again, he realizes, almost laughing as he kicks the brick ledge in front of him. Just like some stupid fucking romantic comedy where the woman realizes her husband is cheating her so she considers jumping over the ledge but decides to reinvent herself instead. Actually that sounds more like some terribly acted made for TV drama but it doesn't matter because that's not Matt's life. That's not his husband down there, it's his best fucking friend whose birthday it is and he doesn't have any obligation to Matt. He can sleep with whoever he fucking wants; he shouldn't be so selfish to think otherwise. He doesn't know how long he's up there before the door to the roof slams open again, turns already knowing it's Mello, standing there with the wind blowing his hair out of his burning eyes, panting as if he's ran up the stairs. Matt wonders if he knows that his vest is unbuttoned underneath his winter coat.
"Hey, what the hell are these?!" Mello shouts into the night, holding the keys up as he strides over to where he is, his gaze flickering nervously back and forth between the ledge and Matt's feet. "What are you fucking doing up here anyways?"
"Nothing. Just having a smoke."
"I thought you quit." Mello says, almost accusatorily.
"Why do you care?" Matt mutters.
"Well fuck then, guess I don't. Did you buy a car?"
"Yeah it's your birthday present." Mello actually looks dumbfounded by this. After what Matt saw, it's almost better than him being excited. He'll take anything to ease the edge off of this sting.
"That's... you didn't have to fucking by me a car that's pretty big for some silly birthday. I thought you forgot actually."
"How the fuck would I forget?! We've only been celebrating it together for the past 10 years!"
"Okay fuck, you're the one who wanted to go out today, so I just thou-"
"I was getting it ready for you! So we could like... you know go out for dinner and stuff. To one of those little Russian restaurants to get the food you like... The weird soup you know the s-so..." Matt trails off. He feels like his throat is closing off. He'll be damned if he cries.
"The solyanka?"
"Yeah!"
"That's... fuck okay well we can go now then, I'm fucking hungry let's go now." Mello says, grabbing on to Matt's sleeve but his feet stay firmly planted.
"Who was that girl?"
"Oh her? She's just some fucking hooker I ran into. I just wanted to finally get fucking laid on my birthday honestly. It wasn't great." Mello's voice is flat and even, like it's the most causal thing in the world. It's Matt's turn to be dumbfounded.
"So you... decided with a hooker mhmm, yeah okay makes perfect fucking logical sense just dandy yep."
"Matty, what the fuck you're acting weirder than usual?"
"Isn't that like... a sin for you or something?" Matt asks.
"Matt, I'm in the mafia. I don't think that's the only sin on my fucking confession list. Fuck, what are you hung up on, let's go now."
"Actually you know what? I'm honestly not feeling fucking well right now, sorry. You should just take that girl out to dinner instead; impress her with your new ride and all that. I'll just stay here and lie down or something." Matt's voice doesn't sound like his own to him. It's too high pitched and tense.
"You want me to take the hooker to dinner?"
"Yeah. She'd probably be thrilled that's probably never happened to her before. Don't call her a hooker that's demeaning."
"I fucking paid her money to fuck me! She's a hooker, that's what their fucking called. I don't want to leave you if you're feeling weird, fuck you're... you're freaking me out Matty."
"Nah it's your birthday, I don't want to ruin your night. I seriously just want to be alone right now too."
"Are you sure?"
"Fucking positively sure. Go, test out the car. Get your ugly mug out of my face!" Matt says, forcing out a small laugh and pushing Mello's shoulder.
"Well... Okay. I'll be fucking back in like, less than two hours though okay? I'll bring you back some food so fucking stay put?" Mello asks, heading back inside.
"Yeah, I will." Matt whispers, finally allowing his tears to fall when he hears the door close. "Fuck you Mello!" He sighs, reaching for his pocket and pulling out his cell phone.
"Hey loser! What happened the other day when you hung up on me? That was kind of rude..."
"Hey Andrea, sorry I got caught up in some dumb stuff... I was just wondering, do you want to go on a date with me sometime?"
"Oh Matty! That would actually be awesome, but are you okay? You sound kind of like you're crying." Matt cringes at her address. Only Mello calls him Matty.
"Uh, yeah I'm fine. I just have the flu I think which is why I have to go now, but I'll call you when I feel better so we can set something up okay?"
"Oh yeah of course, I hope you feel better soon! You know I actually was thinking about asking you out but I was still working up the courage to do it? I thought you were so hot when we first met and then when we hung out and I got to know you I thought hey, this guy just might be perfect for me! I'm so happy!"
"Oh yeah? Me too Andrea. I'll talk to you soon."
He goes back downstairs to the apartment, relieved to see that the hooker's pointy heels are gone. But the air still smells different; it's still not a home that belongs to him anymore, the home of the stranger that Mello now is. He doesn't understand him anymore. Doesn't understand why he would turn to a hooker to fulfill any feelings he has with what he and Matt have going. He must know how Matt feels about him right? Must read it in the way he talks and looks at him, in the way they've touched? Has Mello really been faking it all this whole time? Did he just finally tire of using it as a tactic to get Matt to stay? He's not sure what it will for him to get comfortable here again. He's not sure what it will take for him to feel at home in this room, or at home with himself, or at home with Mello.
You said that you would always look out for me you dick, Matt thinks, flopping down on to the couch and curling tightly into a ball, hugging his knees to his chest. What the hell happened to that?
_
Matt's birthday goes a lot better than Mello's. On the morning of his 17th Mello has placed a box beneath his pillow, a small brown box which he opens with the boy leaning back on the pillows looking more nervous than he has in quite some time, but he doesn't have to be because Matt grins when he opens them. The goggles are white with orange lenses- the same kind that the fighter pilots wear in his favourite video game.
"No way! Dude, where did you find these?"
"A fucking nerdy ass comic book store downtown. You have to know I fucking give a shit about you since I set foot in there, it was hideous."
"I thank you for that then!" Matt laughs, blushing. "These are seriously sick!" He puts them on and smiles at Mello who to his relief through the orange tint smiles back.
"Fucking right. I got something else too, kind of for both of us. Just this old record player I saw there, I figured we could go buy some records sometime for it. You need to hear something other than the fucking Legend of Zelda theme, seriously broaden your disgusting ass taste."
"Ah it's my birthday dude, could we lay off the insults for 24 hours?" Matt doesn't actually want him to though. This is the most like themselves they've been acting around each other since the night on the roof, and it's a relief.
"Hey I bought you a fucking awesome present, that's all you're entitled too okay! Don't push your luck."
They spend the day lounging around the apartment playing video games and pigging out and Matt feels almost comfortable again, until Mello starts talking about stuff they need to do at the hideout tomorrow. He hates being around the mafia more than usual lately, hates watching how well Mello fits right in to their culture and language well he sticks out like a sore thumb. He tells Mello that he thinks he's going to stay home again, sneaks in a call to Andrea to let her know he can finally go on that date he promised her, the one that he's been dreading. But he's got to get over Mello somehow and this is the only idea he has right now about how to do it. It's sort of a weird revenge plan in a way too, if Mello can make decisions without telling him then so can he. He knows he's seen other hookers since the first and girls members of the mafia know. He just can't let him know just how badly it kills him.
_
"I had just the best time tonight! The very best time, you picked just the right movie and vegan place, it was so great. Hey do you want to come back to my flat? I actually cleaned it just for you today, I promise." Andrea giggled as they exited the theater, having seen some foreign French film that Matt had no clue what was going on in because he couldn't keep up with the awful subtitles. He didn't know how he had stayed awake.
"Uh yeah sure, that would be good." He replied distractedly, all the while wondering just how he was going to handle this. He hadn't even kissed Andrea yet and she seemed eager to be moving forward. It was the direction he wanted to head, but he wasn't sure about it going this fast.
The flat isn't exactly clean, but compared to his and Mello's place its spick and span. The bedroom is painted a bright blue with fluffy cartoon like clouds on the walls that Matt takes in with wide eyes.
"Did you paint these?"
"Yeah, I'm not actually allowed to paint the walls according to my lease, but I couldn't stand not spicing up the room. I figure I'll have time to paint over them again once I move out, you're not going to tell on me are you?" Andrea asks teasingly sitting down on the yellow bedspread. "Hey why are you standing so far away? Come here."
She pats the space on the twin sized mattress beside her and he sits down, eyeing her nervously from his peripheral vision. He thinks that Andrea is beautiful, but he wouldn't know the first thing about touching her. He's never touched anyone but Mello and even sitting next to her this way with this heavy tension filling the air feels off. It turns out he doesn't have to make a move at all, as usual Andrea is straight forward, she reaches out and strokes his cheek with the back of her hand, leans in slowly to press her lips lightly to his. Matt feels nothing. It's soft and not unpleasant, but it doesn't make him want to move, doesn't make him want to do anything.
"Is this okay?" She whispers, voice breathy and high and girl. Girls. Matt doesn't know the first thing about girls, doesn't know if there's anything to know, doesn't know if they're really different from him at all.
"It's perfect." He lies just to see her smile. "But I'd like to take things slow. Could we just lay here and talk for tonight?"
"Wow! You're so old fashioned and romantic! Of course we can, I don't mind that at all. We have a lot of time. I've never actually had a guy ask me that before, but then again you've always struck me as a bit unique, a bit different. In a good way I mean."
"Different huh?" He sighs, following her lead as she leans back to rest her head against the pillows, but she rolls over so that it's on his chest instead. He wonders if she takes notice that she can't feel his heartbeat. That it hasn't changed from beating at its normal pace at all, that she doesn't make him nervous or excited because she's just Andrea. She's just his friend. And Mello isn't anymore apparently. "I suppose that's fair."
He wonders how hurt she would be if she knew, but maybe she already did. She was the one who had suggested that he was in love with Mello, had caused him to admit it to himself in the first place. Still was it fair to her? Wasn't he sort of doing to her almost exactly what Mello had done to him? Taking advantage of her feelings for him and using it as an outlet for his frustrations? He knew that it couldn't be right, but he couldn't find it in himself to truly care. He had to do something to pass this agonizing time; he hadn't truly given up on Mello. He was just waiting for him to realize that he must have some feelings for him too. There was no way they could share what they had if he didn't. It hurt that he hadn't been Mello's first lover. It stung so bad each and every time he relieved the moment of walking into the apartment and seeing the shoes on the floor in his mind, the pain didn't seem to be fading at all. But he could live with it, he could still wait. He may not have been Mello's first lover but he was going to be his last. He didn't care how long it would take.
Both him and Mello forget all about the record player for almost an entire year. It's easy to see how it happens as their both so busy all the time, cruising around the city doing jobs for the mafia in Mello's new, old now, ride. Matt knows he secretly calls the car 'baby' since he heard him do it once but knows now after getting punched in the face for doing it once not to mock him for it, however tempting it may be. Still it's hilarious how he treats the car better than anything else. He bought plastic seat covers for it to avoid staining the seats and Matt's certain it's the most practical least glamorous thing he's ever done in his life.
There is a lot that can get on the seats though, the blood from Mello's clothes. Matt's never there when the murderers take place of course, Mello knows he would never want to be and that he would hurl. He's the getaway driver, but there's no heart pounding silver screen action in it. Just a knot in his gut and a lump plaguing his throat. He can never look at Mello on these rides, concentrates as hard as he can on the road ahead and ignores the smell from the bags in the back seat. Mello always proves to the mafia that he was the one to take the rival gang members out, he's collecting a larger hit list and stronger loyalty. Matt would never ask how he does it or what happens to the bodies after he presents them. He doesn't want to know.
The rest of their days are spent quietly. They relax and unwind and try to forget their days at the hideout at home, they play video games and cards, and have even started to play soccer on the rooftop, even though it's dangerous. They like the thrill, running so close to the edge, preventing the ball from falling over the edge lest it strike someone in the temple at impossible speed and kill them. Matt never wants to play up there at night, says it's where he draws the line when it really just reminds him of Mello's birthday. So they explore the city instead. Matt's pretty sure they've been to every Russian bar and restaurant in the city, asks Mello for the 500th time that if he loves Russia so much why didn't they just stay there.
"Russian politics? Fucking awful. Russian economy? Fucking embarrassing. Russian food and drink? There's nothing fucking better on this earth. If Catholics could marry solyanka, I would. "
You're barely even Catholic anymore, Matt thinks to himself. Pretty fucking sure you've broken all of the ten commandments.
Mello still sleeps with prostitutes. Matt knows it because every once and awhile one of them will forget something in the apartment. A tube of lipstick in the bathroom, a pack of condoms in the bedroom. Little traces reminding him and taunting him of the things Mello does when he's alone, the things he craves which they never talk about. He just has to try not to think about it.
Matt still sees Andrea. He takes her out to all of the cute little vegan places, all the critically acclaimed foreign movies and independent productions of plays, all the outdoor music festivals when Mello is busy with the jobs that he can't handle being there for. Aside from having no feelings for her aside from friendship, he's almost certain he's the best boyfriend in the world. And she doesn't seem to mind, doesn't question about why he wants to wait to have sex, why he hasn't done anymore but kiss her at her initiation. She thinks it's "beautifully authentic" that he's more interested in understanding her soul than her sex, that he knows he doesn't have to touch her to know her, whatever the hell that means. As long as she's happy, he always reassures himself, as long as she's happy it can't truly hurt her.
He's always a little bit nervous being in Andrea's neighborhood with Mello and he can't figure out why. He's kept these parts of his life so separate that he thinks it could somehow be disastrous if they ever crossed. But it's such a large city, he tries to tell himself that it would have to be some sort of freak accident if they did.
Mello sees the record store on their way home from the bar when he remembers.
"Hey! We fucking never even bought the records for your present did we? We should do it now!" He exclaims, and pulls Matt by the hood of his vest inside. It's dark and cool in there, little floor lamps lighting the rows and rows of boxes of records arranged by decades on the shelves.
"Do you even know what you're looking for?" Matt laughs, watching Mello overturn boxes and pull records out of their sleeves, keeping an eye out for whatever poor employee has a shift tonight to certainly stomp over all huffy and yell at them.
"Of course! Fucking Kino!"
"Now, is 'fucking' apart of their band name or did you add that embellishment?"
"No, fuck you, you dickwad!" Mello's cheeks are slightly flushed and Matt wonders if he's a bit tipsy from the drinks he's had. He always thought Mello would be an angry drunk, but he just gets clumsy and adds even more swear words to his vocabulary.
"Hey Matthew! That you?" It's not Mello who calls him, it's Andrea, striding over them looking her happy go lucky self as usual, her hippie satchel swung over her shoulder and her white dress grazing the floor, her bare toes poking out from underneath them as she stands on them to kiss his cheek. "I didn't know if you knew this store, I was going to show you this place next time but I guess you found it on your own! Hey, is this the famous best friend? I was wondering when I would get to meet you!"
She sticks her small hand out to Mello, who stares at it, stares at her, completely deadpan. For some reason Matt gets it into his head that he might smack her, is going to pull her arm down and shield her from Mello with his body. But to his shock Mello takes her hand, shakes it firmly, like their business associates or something. Tipsy. He must be tipsy.
"Who the fuck are you?" He asks, letting go of her hand. His voice is so even it makes Matt afraid all over again. How is he going to sell this one?
"What?! Matthew seriously, don't tell me I'm you're dirty little secret or something?" Andrea giggles, and Mello looks at her with wide eyes like he's never seen a girl laugh before.
"Matthew?" He mouths to Matt with raised eyebrows.
"I'm Matty's girlfriend! Andrea? Seriously has he actually never talked about me before? We've been dating for almost a year now. He's told me all about you."
"Oh he has, has he?" Mello says, and he's not looking at Andrea anymore, it's like he's not even there his gaze is piercing through Matt so strongly he has to look away, but not into Andrea's confused eyes either, not at either of them. He can't. He settles for the floor.
"Yeah! He says you two are like brothers, like inseparable! Didn't you two grow up together in Boston? I would love to go there someday; I hear it's a beautiful city! Very historic too."
"Oh yeah. We had some fucking crazy times in Boston didn't we Matty? But he's never mentioned you to me, pretty fucking weird huh? What's up with that huh Matty?" Matt doesn't miss the change in his voice, the chipper tone that he's using and knows that he's making fun of Andrea who's too clueless to tell. And then there's the underlining tension, the kind Mello uses to outline his words so that their like sharp jagged stones even when he's just warming up. He knows he's going to be torn into as soon as Andrea's gone.
"Oh do you call him that too?! He gets all blushy whenever I do it, he's so cute! Yeah that is weird, but I guess he just wanted to keep things about us private for awhile; he's been keen on taking things real slow, the gentleman. But now that I'm out of the bag, we should all grab dinner together sometime! I would love to get to know you too Mello since you're so important to him! Haha, you know when I first met him and he mentioned you, the way he talked I thought that you were his lover or something and that I was out of luck!"
Mello laughs too, but it's deep and harsh and false.
"Oh fuck yeah, we should definitely all grab dinner. I could tell you some stories about Matt that would make your head spin."
Matt looks up at Mello his eyes pleading. He knows exactly what's going to happen next.
"Oh really?! Like what? Was he a cute little kid? I've always pictured him as kind of pudgy like me!" Andrea teases, poking Matt in the elbow.
"Oh he was fucking adorable! But you know, kind of too sad to be cute, with what happened to his parents at all."
"Mello..." Matt says, but it comes out as a quiet whisper.
"His parents? Aren't they back in Boston?"
"Oh...Oh I'm so sorry fuck! I guess he hasn't told you huh?"
"Told me what?"
"You know, how his parents were kind of fucking abusive, he had a real complex relationship with his dad who was a real asshole. Ever wonder how he got those fucking weird little scars on his stomach? Their cigarette burns. But then they died in that tragic car accident, so he didn't have to fucking worry about it anymore, came to live with me. Yep, we've been inseparable ever since, he fucking tells me everything."
For what Matt believes is probably the first time in her life, Andrea has nothing to say.
"I uh... I actually have to go, so I'll call Matt and talk to you guys later I guess. Have a good night!" She doesn't smile when she exclaims it, her facial expression doesn't match her happy voice and the hurt in her eyes is like a slap in the face to Matt. The expression doesn't belong on her face. It's so wrong to watch her leaving with it, walking away with it up the street. How is he going to make this right?
"I can't believe you." He says to Mello, walking away from him and leaving the store and running up the street the opposite way that Andrea left. He knows Mello will beat him back to the apartment with the car but he doesn't care. He just needs a little bit of time to run away from it all, even if it's only for a few moments.
Mello is on the couch when he gets home, looking drunker than when he left him in the store but more awake too, more alert and more angry. His eyes are burning Matt alive.
"What the fuck was that?!" He yells at him before Matt can even close the door.
"I should be the one fucking asking you that! How could you do that to me? How could you tell her that?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"What the fuck is wrong with me?! You've been seeing some random ass hippie cunt for almost a year behind my back and you want to know what the fuck is wrong with me?" Mello's up and standing now, staring Matt down as he paces around the back of the couch.
"Hey! Her name is Andrea, don't talk about her like that! She's the fucking sweetest girl on the planet! I met her after we first got here and she was nice to me when you were off doing that first job. I was lonely okay?!"
"You were lonely?! I'm here all the fucking time, we're together practically 24/7 and you're fucking lonely?! Damn it, do you mean horny?! Did you fuck her?! In between giving her information about me that could get me killed!" Mello shouts.
"No I fucking didn't fuck her and I didn'! I've never slept with her, I couldn't. She's just like... my friend but I just needed someone..."
"You have me! You've always fucking had me, it's always just been you and me together!"
"But I don't anymore! With the mafia and the... the girls it's just not the same! You're treating me differently!"
"The girls... Matty do you mean the fucking hookers? Those girls are nothing Matt it's just sex, I'm a fucking horny teenager okay?" Mello yells exasperatedly.
"Okay, so why are you allowed to have them but I'm not allowed to have her?!"
"Because... because that's fucking different! You don't need her, I'm your best fucking friend! And what the fuck does that mean I'm treating you differently? I treat you the same as fucking always!"
"Why do you need the girls then why not... why not me, why do you never touch me anymore?! Why are you so distant?"
"Matty... wait Matty the touching thing, the fucking fooling around. That's all it was fucking fooling around!"
"Oh..."
"Matty, what did you think it fucking was?"
"I just thought... I just fucking love you Mello!" The words spill out of him like he's always wanted them to, but he's not prepared to confront the disgusted look on Mello's face.
"Fuck no! Fuck don't... no you don't, don't be so fucking delusional! Matt you are like my fucking brother, that's ridiculous!"
"You don't kiss your brother! You don't fucking cuddle into your brothers arms when you're having nightmare's! You don't get jealous of your brother's girlfriend!"
"I'm not jealous of her! You can do whatever you want with her!"
"Then why are so angry about her!"
"FUCK YOU!"
Mello comes at him swinging and Matt raises his hands to cover his face but Mello grabs them. He pushes them back so their pressed against the wall on either side of Matt's head, so Matt is caught between the wall and his chest. He can feel his jaw shaking as he smashes his mouth viciously against his, biting at Matt's lips so that he gasps painfully.
"Mello that hurts!" He protests when his friend has to come up for air, trying to push him away but Mello grabs onto his thighs and hikes up around this waist so that he has to grab his shoulders to keep from hitting his head against the wall painfully. He kisses his ear and bite the shell roughly, growls into it.
"I don't fucking care! You want me to touch you huh? I'll fuck you're brains out then and I'll do it my way! I'll make you so fucking sore but get this, no matter how hard I get off on it it's not going to change anything?! No matter how much I like to fuck you, it doesn't make me like you anymore, because I'm never going to fucking be in love with you! You can be fucking creepily obsessed with me, you can worship the ground I walk on and give no thought to yourself like you do, but I'm never going to fucking love you because I don't have those feelings okay? I have one goal and that's to catch Kira and it's way more important than whatever you've deluded yourself into thinking you feel about me! So here, I'll fuck you all night long and then you can get over this little fucking fantasy you've created!"
His lips are back on Matt's now but it just feels like he's punching him in the mouth and a sob tears itself free from Matt's throat.
"Get off of me!" He chokes out through tears when Mello pulls away and punches him in the jaw to get himself free. Mello just laughs as he stumbles back and rubs his jaw, allowing Matt to slip away from him and head towards the apartment door.
"Isn't this what you fucking wanted?! Or does it not live up to your expectations?! Am I not following the fucking romantic script you've written the one where I tell you, 'Oh Matty I would just die if you weren't here with me, life has no meaning without you, I love you, I love you, oh Matty!'"
"I'm sorry the way I feel about you has been such a fucking burden then... You won't have to worry about it anymore."
"Wait Matty, come on don't be a baby, where the fuck are you going?" Mello asks as Matt laces up his boots.
"Away from you." Matt says, flatly and evenly as he shuts the door to their apartment for what's he thinks will be the final time.