Hello readers old and new,

I can't apologize enough for taking so long to update or thank you guys enough for your endless support. I hope to finish this story and perhaps even start a new one before I retire from fanfiction writing. I can't tell you what an honor it's been to write for you guys and read all of your comments and touch your hearts as you have touched mine. I'm so happy I have used this site to grow as a writer and a person.

I just graduated from college and I'm looking into the uncertainty of the future, but I really do want to be a novelist, So thank you all who has suggested and encouraged me to do so. I hope I can make you proud.

And as always ReadxEnjoyxReview

Chapter 23: Surrender

I pull another rejected dress off over my head and toss it into the growing pile. Despite the shopping that I've been doing for the various events I've been dragged to by Hotaru or the twins, I find I have nothing to wear for a meeting with Yuka.

I mean what do you wear that says, "Thanks for abandoning me and choosing drugs over our life together, but it's okay because it all worked out in the end. Even though I'm still terrified your ex-boyfriend will show up and kill me in my sleep"?

I toss a chiffon number to side and continue digging through my closet. Everything I own is either too fancy or too casual. I don't want to look too good like I'm so much better off without her and I don't want to look like this is a casual meeting between acquaintances.

I honestly thought the hardest part of this whole thing was going to be calling my granddad and telling him I wanted to see her. He didn't seem surprised at all and told me that I should come over as soon as I was able. So now I have about an hour to get ready for this… thing with Yuka. I can't even bring myself to call her "mom" so how on earth am I supposed to endure an entire conversation with her. She's been clean almost as long as I've been gone, so I don't even know what I'm going to walk into. I knew her as my mother, I knew her as the distraught widow, I knew her as the sobbing alcoholic and the drug addict, but I don't know Yuka in recovery.

I won't know how to talk to her. I watched her disintegrate; I took care of her as best I could, and then I left. So naturally the prospect of seeing her in person causes me closet raiding anxiety. I had Grant take Youichi to Aoi's an hour ago so I can melt-down in solitude. The walls of my apartment were practically closing in on me. Somewhere under all my mess-making, my cell phone was ringing.

"Hello Hotaru." I answer after locating it.

"Did you pick something yet?"

"No I- wait how'd you-"

"You're about as easy to read as a toddler's picture book. Your decision to see your mother didn't surprise me, so why would your anxious flouncing and tossing about of clothing elude me?"

"I think we need some space."

"Have you ruled out a simple shirt and jeans?"

"I don't want to be so casual about it."

"Why not? You call her by her first name."

"That's different."

"No it's psychology. You're having a hard time with this because you don't know who she is to you anymore. You need to decide who's going to be behind that door."

"But I can't. All of these 'what if's' are running through my head and I keep thinking that she'll be just like she was or even worse."

"But your Grandpa says she's doing better."

"I don't mean like that. I mean she was so broken and strung out she didn't even know who I was half the time. What if seeing me sends her spiraling into a depression again? I hurt her Hotaru. I didn't mean to, but I know I did. She made the wrong choice and I abandoned her. How am I supposed to sit down to tea after that?"

"You just have to do it. You won't have any of the answers you want by not seeing her. You did what you had to do for you and Youichi."

"I know."

"Then put on something and go. She's not going to care what you look like. Your clothes won't speak to her. Those big doe eyes of yours are what you should be more worried about."

She hangs up before I have a chance to retort. Typical of her, since she always wants the last word. I shift through my clothes again and pull on a green sundress. I picked it out because it reminded me of something my dad would like. Yuka and I can't really relate to each other, but dad will always be something we have in common because we both loved him to a fault. After pulling on a pair of ballet flats, I grabbed my purse and cardigan and made my way to Grandpa's via the metro and a lot of walking. I would have asked Grant to take me, but I needed all the time I could get my hands on to prepare. I tortured myself by running different scenarios in my head over and over. I watched my feet as it shuffling along the familiar streets towards Jii-chan's house.

When I arrived almost an hour late Jii-chan was sitting on the front porch looking like he had just heard a good joke. He looked up at me and his smile got wider.

"You're here." He said.

"Yeah I'm sorry I'm late I took the scenic route."

"I thought you might. She thought you weren't coming."

I couldn't find the words for a response, but Jii-chan didn't wait for one and lead me to the door of Yuka's room. He left me at the closed door with a gentle squeeze of my shoulder before venturing off to another part of the house. I stood at the door taking in various details of it. I knew every passing minute was more torturous than the last so with a deep breath I slid the door open and stepped inside.

The room was bright from the open doors and windows that allowed sunlight to stream through. It smelled like flowers and clean sheets. Yuka stood by the window with her back to the door. As I closed it behind me she turned and smiled at me. Her face is fuller. A sure sign of a solid food diet. She had a healthy glow even though her eyes were still a little sullen. Her turquoise floor length house dress clung to her wiry frame. Her body was certainly on the uphill climb to healing with plenty of road ahead.

"You're here." She said.

"I'm here," is all I could reply.

"I thought you wouldn't come."

"I thought I wouldn't either."

"But you did."

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves, "I did."

Neither of us moved an inch toward or away from each other. I found myself wondering what to do with my hands. I had a firm grip on my purse, but every passing second was making me self-conscious.

"Tea?" she asked.

I could only nod, somewhat embarrassed at being so flustered. She used to wipe my nose for Kami sake. We sat at the kotasu and she poured tea with slightly shaking hands. Whether she was nervous or hadn't regained her full strength yet, I couldn't tell. I removed my cardigan. The direct sunlight light was warming my skin and made me feel a little more comfortable. I tried to push my mind to a place where tea with my mother was a normal occurrence. I tried to imagine an alternate path where I graduated high school like a normal girl. I finished my college entrance exams and we were on vacation in the country with Jii-chan. No matter how sickly sweet the fantasy, the bitter reality nestled itself at the base of my neck. I can't push my mind far enough away to feel at ease.

We sip tea with the twittering of birds and a trickling of water filling the space. Yuka spoke first.

"I don't even know where to begin. I've imagined this in so many ways, but they all end the same." She said.

Her eyes started to hold that familiar glisten like she was about to cry. I could barely handle silence, crying is not an option.

"Don't." I say without fully meaning to.

"What?"

"Don't look at me like that. Don't look me like you're going to cry your heart out. I can't deal with that right now." I explain with a sigh.

"I've cried enough Mikan. I cried from the minute you left and I haven't stopped crying. I don't even remember much of anything after that. I wanted to die that was clear. It was the only clear thought I had. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital for overdose and Rei had me transferred into a facility."

She took a sip from her china cup and placed it back on the saucer as best she could with the tremble in her hands.

"It's the only decent thing that man has ever done for me." She said.

She described the facility she went to and how detox ran her body down with so much illness they didn't think she was going to make it. Weak, trembling, and bed ridden, Yuka was ready to die.

"I couldn't keep anything down and lost even more weight. They had to hook me up to an IV. My hair was falling out and I couldn't even leave my room."

Claire, a half British bed nurse, took good care of Yuka. She was overly- attentive to her because she said Yuka was a wounded soul. Would she have been so nice if she knew most of the wounds were self-inflicted I wonder. Listening to Yuka's account of rehab and recovery was both relieving and vexing. I was relieved that she made it to the other side of recovery without dying, but I was vexed that she hadn't made the choice herself. Persona had dumped her there and she didn't have a choice. She was in no condition to leave and she reserved herself to die.

"I'm so sorry Mikan. I know I could never really pay for what I've done, but I've missed you so much."

A laugh gurgled out of my throat. She looked confused. I tried my best to look apologetic.

"I'm sorry Yuka, but I don't know what I was expecting. A triumphant story of a woman who conquers her addiction and longs to reunite with the daughter she traded for a few bumps? That's not what this is so just stop."

"Mikan I-"

"You what? You're sorry? You want some kind of heartfelt hug and joyous reunion? Wake up. This is not a fairytale ending. Since I left I have been killing myself to make every day just a little less shitty. With the help of my friends and my own will I have succeeded, but I allowed myself to romanticize this meeting with you. You're not strong Yuka. You're weak and you're pathetic."

I stood up from the table, "If Persona had dumped you into a gutter or a crack house then you would be dead. That's the reality. I guess we're both just lucky."

She gave a defeated sigh, "You've hated me for a long time. Why shouldn't you? I put everything on top of you. You couldn't have a normal life because of me. I hate me too."

I can feel anger boiling inside me, "Don't do that! This is not some pity party for you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! How do you think we got like this in the first place?!"

She nods with a sad smile on her face, "You're right. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that phone call in the kitchen and hearing that voice on the phone telling me my husband is dead. It was like a switch went off inside of me. A light that went out forever."

"You're not the only on that lost him." I said through gritted teeth.

"I know. I should have been strong, but until that day your father was the one I drew my strength from. Without him, I didn't know how to move forward."

"You should have figured it out. I did."

She looked down into the tea cup letting the wisps of steam trail the curves of her face, "The problem is Mikan, I couldn't. I never have. Because you are his daughter you inherited that strength. I envied you. How you could still laugh and go to school and carry on like everything was okay."

"So you were too weak to move forward, but not so weak to let Persona into our lives?"

"Rei didn't just offer me drugs in a dark alley Mikan. He was nice to me. He didn't treat me like a mental patient. He listened to me."

"I listened to you."

"No Mikan. You took it upon yourself to be my mother and make me the child."

"What was I supposed to do?! Just leave you there?!"

"Yes!"

A hollow silence filled the air between us.

"I could hear you muttering under your breath. The annoyance, the anger, the reluctance every time you came near me. How do you think that made me feel?"

"I was angry!"

"I know that and I'm so sorry, but I was in pain. Not just heartbroken, but completely distraught. Izumi was the love of my life and one day he was just gone. You've never been in love, so I can't expect you to understand."

I wouldn't understand? The mere mention of Natsume Hyuuga's name sends me in an idiotic frenzy. I'm a stew pot of complex emotion where he is involved. I put my life on the line for him and he did the same for me. I know what it's like to be in love.

Then I imagine Natsume dying on that train or getting shot by Persona in a dark alley and it sends my stomach in knots. Yuka thinks I'm strong, but how would I react if Natsume died? If he was my husband and father of my child one minute and with one phone call he was gone from my life forever. I can't say with all certainty that I'd be able to move on from that. I think of Youichi having to take care of me the way I took care of Yuka. I did mutter under my breath. There were days that I was so frustrated and thought she was so out of it that I thought she wouldn't hear me.

But she did and it made things worse and harder for her. I didn't handle my dad's death as well as I thought I did. Repressed memories of shattering dishes and tearing posters off my walls came flooding back to me. I wanted my mom to be okay so badly that I never realized how far from okay I was.

"I'm sorry." I said.

She smiled a bit, "I'm the last person you should apologize to. You have every right to be mad at me."

"I am mad at you. I've been so mad at you for so long and blaming you for everything that's gone wrong."

I sat back down at the table feeling empty. All my misguided anger and disappointment in my mother, was holding both of us back from healing. In order to forgive her, I have to be willing to take responsibility for my part in the last ten years of my misery. I guess if anyone asked me what I got out of all this I wouldn't say security or real friends or clothes. I'd say that I learned that you can't live life with a chip on your shoulder blaming everything and everyone for what's gone wrong. I could blame my dad, but he didn't choose to die. I could and do blame Yuka for handling things in the worst possible way, but she wasn't physically or mentally capable of any alternatives.

As I sat there looking at her with the slight tremble in her hands, sullen eyes, and pasty complexion, I realize that she didn't choose this. I thought she picked drugs over me, but how can I really be angry at her for turning to the one thing that made her pain escapable? I could blame Persona for ruining our lives, but he was just doing what his life lead him to do. He didn't fight back, Yuka didn't fight back, and I'll ever even know if my dad fought back.

I do know that I fought back. It wasn't a single act. It wasn't running away that was my battle, but every day since. But all this fighting had put me at war with people in my life: Yuka, Hotaru, Natsume, Ruka, Persona.

Was I going to fight forever?

Life is always an uphill battle. It's filled with people who don't like you for one reason or another and circumstances that are out of your control. The only choice you have is what you do about it. Though this is your only power, it is the only thing that matters. Life can knock you down to the ground, but it isn't the fall that defines you. What defines you is how you get back up.

"I have to go." I say rising to my feet.

"Mika-," she began.

But I cut her off, "I'll come again soon."

She didn't protest, but a small sad smile was on her face. Trying to sort out how I feel about her in one day is an impossible task we both know that, but it gives me a reason to keep coming back.

"How is she doing?" Hotaru asked me later that night.

I swirled the spoon in my yogurt, burying the chunks of fruit under the creamy cement. We were in Hotaru's room with Hotaru clicking away at her keyboard and me laying on the floor and stuffing my face with yogurt. I shrug my shoulders, "Good I guess. The worst of withdrawal is behind her. She shakes a lot and can't stand for long periods, but Grandpa takes her outside once a day so she can get some sun and exercise."

"So why are you so miserable?" she asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"You've look even more dejected after seeing her."

"I'm still processing."

After a long pause she asked, "Mikan, do you wish your mother was dead?"

I sat up abruptly, "What?"

"Think about it. If she was dead you wouldn't have anything to worry about. She'd be gone, you could go and see your grandpa whenever you want to and you wouldn't feel so guilty."

"How can you ask me that? Of course I don't wish that."

"Then what's your problem?" she asked turning away from her computer to look at me.

"You don't get it. How could you?" I said getting up from the floor.

"Of course I couldn't. I'm not damaged." she said matter-of-factly.

"Oh trust me you are very, very damaged. You're just too up yourself to see it."

"You know what I do see? A girl who should be counting her lucky stars, but insists on whining and moping instead."

"I'm sorry that I just can't force some optimism into my diet."

"I sat across from you and listened to you cry about every horrible thing that has happened to you in the last three years. I know that dealing with Persona again knocked loose some things that you weren't ready to deal with, but you need to surrender the illusion of control. Bad stuff happens. Period. You can't stop it and you can't avoid it. You should understand that more than anyone, but good things happen to you too. I've read articles about girls in situation like yours. You know where those articles are? Next to their obituaries."

"Are you going to break into song and tell me life is a precious gift?" I reply in a sarcastic huff.

"No I'm going to tell you to stop acting like an idiot and realize that there are far worse outcomes to your situation. Your mother is alive. You can fix your relationship with her and make up for the time you've lost. Or you can keep punishing her."

I was ready to storm out of Hotaru's room, my head swollen with rage, but like always she was right. Hotaru could see it and she's never even met Yuka. Yuka flat out said it earlier today. All my anger and confusion was just an attempt to hurt her as much as she hurt me. I sat down at the foot of Hotaru's bed and cradled my knees. I know the logic. I know that to heal you have to let go and move forward. I've been over this, but how do you let go of something that was the only thing keeping you warm at night?

Then I realized I was clinging to my anger the way Yuka clung to her drugs. I was a junkie for anger. If any of those other pesky emotions tried to creep up I was plunging a needle into my arm filled with liquid hate.

Hotaru sat down on the floor next to me and sighed, "I don't want you to cry hysterically or lock yourself in a dark room listening to crappy songs that are supposed to induce tears, but you do need to feel something other than what you're feeling now."

"I'm angry."

"I know."

"No Hotaru. I'm so mad at her. I'm afraid to feel anything else."

"You can't be angry at your mom because she's trying to make amends. You can't be angry at Natsume because his only crime was being moronically in love with you and you can't be angry at me for being right."

"I know." Even the tears escaping down my cheeks were hot.

In a rare moment of empathy, Hotaru wrapped her arms around me which made me cry harder. She just held me there letting my tears wet the front of her blouse. She just stroked my hair and let me cry. I really should be counting my lucky stars because Hotaru was by far the best thing to ever happen to me.

"I blackmailed Ruka." she said as my tears were subsiding.

"Huh?"

"Prior to our actual relationship, I used to blackmail him all the time. It started when my father took me to a stable to pick out my first horse. I must've been five or six then. My father was speaking with the stable owner and I was wandering the stalls by myself when I saw a blonde boy sleeping in a pile of hay next to a baby horse. I never knew my cheeks could grow so warm so fast. I didn't want to wake him so I snapped a picture and left without making a sound. Imagine my surprise when he shows up in my class the following Monday. He was pretty like a china doll. He wasn't loud or nauseating like the other boys so all the girls liked him almost instantly. I kept his picture with me all the time. Sumire caught me looking at it once and offered me her watch as a trade. It was then I realized that girls are morons. But I saw Anna give Ruka her cookies and how he smiled at her and she blushed. I knew I'd never be one of those idiots and Ruka would never look at me the way he looked at them."

"That must've been awful."

She scoffed, "I loathed him. I wanted to make him feel as embarrassed as I did. So I blackmailed him. I took pictures of him at the stables and sold them to the girls at school. The cuter he was being, the more money I made. The first time he ever spoke to me was to beg me to stop. It was a relationship I could tolerate. It meant I had something with him that no other girl ever could. He would chase me around trying to get my camera. He'd go snooping in my locker to try and find it. He knew my class schedule, my favorite spot in the library, my favorite book, and I think by the time we were in middle school he started to like me the way I never thought he could."

I sat up and looked at her, "That's really romantic… in a Hotaru kind of way."

"I didn't think so. It was completely irrational and vexed me even more. I was mad at him for liking me for being myself. He was supposed to like sugary, sweet girls like Anna not me."

"So because you couldn't hide behind your camera anymore you were upset?"

"No it was because him liking me made my anger irrational. I had gotten what I wanted even though I couldn't admit it. The anger kept the wall between us intact. I started to go overboard with the photos. I wanted to make him mad at me so we can both be mad at each other and things between us could stay the way they were. Being angry at him, no matter how irrational I knew it was, meant that I didn't have to deal with the reality of our changing relationhip."

"So you think that's what I'm doing?" I asked rubbing my face dry.

"After a while I just had to accept the fact that Ruka was a remarkably incredible moron who was going to like me regardless of how stoic and disconnected I am from people. No matter how many pictures I took, he wouldn't stop smiling at me. You need to accept the fact that the people in your life want to be there and you can stay angry and keep pushing them away or dare to let them love you for the damaged goods you are."

"And crazy. Don't forget crazy." I said flopping down on the floor mimicking a corpse.

"You're not crazy. A girl well on her way to becoming a bitter old lady, but you're not crazy. Your mom is alive, Natsume isn't the devil, and I'm not going to put up with your idiotic moping. Let the good people in. Fill your life with enough good memories that the bad ones dull into the background."

I laid on Hotaru's bedroom floor for a long time. Being angry made things easier. If you're mad you don't have to deal with people and most times people don't want to deal with you. If I stayed angry the walls between Yuka and I can stay where they are and she can't hurt me. When I gave her my ultimatum before I left her, a part of me thought it was the drastic step that might jolt Yuka back from the brink, but instead she went right over the edge and into the abyss. The only silver lining was that she hadn't taken me with her. Now its months later and everything inside of me wants to forgive her. I want to collapse into her arms and hold my mother and have her stroke my hair. But underneath that desire is the much darker yearning to see her hurt. To see her be crushed by the fact that I made it on my own without her and I didn't need her to stroke my hair.

Then I remember Youichi and how much strength I draw from him. Much like how my mother drew her strength from my father. I assumed it was guilt that kept me from wanting to see Yuka. The fact that her only child left her to be ravaged by her drugs and waste away in that house. When I strip away that thin layer of guilt there is only anger. What if Youichi had died in that house? Would I have had the strength to leave? The determination to build a better life in a new faraway place? Maybe that was the real lesson in all this. To find strength in the one place it really means something: yourself. I look at Hotaru in her fresh blouse with her eyes trained on her computer screen and I couldn't think of one person in her life that if they disappeared she would completely crumble.

Devastation? Of course.

In need of time to heal? Definitely.

But I can't see a world where Hotaru Imai would stop being herself if any person died. I have no doubts that Hotaru loves her family and Ruka, but the source of what makes Hotaru a pillar of reputable strength comes from inside her. Yuka was wrong about me. I wasn't my father's daughter. When it came to relying on the strength of others I completely got her genes. Youichi was my rock. I wouldn't have made it through the worst of it without him by my side. Support is great and necessary because life (for all intents and purposes) sucks. It's frightening to think a single horrible incident is all that stands between me becoming my mother.

I gathered myself up off of the floor and ventured off in search of where Youichi might be holed up playing video games or reading comic books. I found him inside of the game room with Ruka in the middle of a very intense lap of some cartoon racing game. Ruka was jumping around hitting buttons like a mad man while Youichi just sat perfectly composed hitting his buttons methodically. Neither one acknowledged me so I just stood watching from the doorway. Youichi dark grey hair and teal eyes always made him seem other worldly to me. Far more mature and silent than any six year old I've ever seen in my life. I remember how afraid I was for him. I was willing to take Persona's fury on by myself if it meant that Youichi was alright. It was really Youichi that gave me the strength to move forward. The strength to live.

Unlike Yuka I had to find strength in myself. Standing in the doorway watching Youichi hit buttons on his controls, I know I love him in a way that I could probably never love anyone else and that's okay, but being so dependent on him is selfish of me. Yuka didn't know anyway else to be, but I will not let my life mirror hers.

I need to be strong enough for myself. So maybe one day when Youichi is ready to lean on me or leave me, I can handle it.

I can handle it.

"You're back."

I slid the door closed behind me, "I'm back."

"Tea?" I asked setting my bag down on the floor as I joined Yuka at the kotatsu.

"You look so beautiful." She said.

"Thanks."

I find this anecdote funny in a parental humor kind of way. It was raining outside and I was wearing faded jeans and a white sweatshirt with my hair pulled up in a ponytail. By social standards I was a mess, but parents only see the shiny beacon of perfection when it comes to their children. I tried to make myself feel comfortable with Yuka watching my every move. I poured her a cup of tea from the pot my grandfather probably set out for us.

"How is You-chan?"

"He's good. Actually he's kind of a genius. It takes school tuition off my plate." I said as I poured my own cup.

"You should bring him by sometime. He'd love the koi pond."

I rested the tea pot gently back on the table, "I'm sure he would, but I'm still adjusting to all this."

"I just think a visit would be nice."

"Maybe."

"The summer festivals will be stating soon. You love the summer festivals. All the games, bright yukatas and fireworks. I'm sure You-chan would look absolutely adorable in traditional dress."

"Youichi isn't a fan of costumes. He thinks they're stupid."

"Little boys can be like that I guess."

"He's not like most little boys."

"With what he went through that's to be expected."

"I wish I could take it all away."

"You never liked to see pain. You cried all the time when you were little. Movies, books, all pain was real to you."

"I guess I was a bit of a crybaby."

"Your father used to say that you were a passionate child."

"Passionate about crying?"

"I think he just meant that you feel all of your emotions fully."

"Or that I was a basket case. And he would be right."

"I hardly think your dad would think anything like that. You were his perfect girl. From the day you were born all pink and screaming, your father just saw this amazing, beautiful baby who would grow to be more perfect every day."

"What a disappointment." I said only half-joking.

"You couldn't disappoint him if you tried."

I opted for a long sip of tea over a verbal response. The rain was still falling heavy outside and provided an excellent distraction. There was a lot to be said between Yuka and me but in my attempt to ease my anger and not be so cruel to her I have to pace myself. It involves a lot of biting my tongue and holding my breath, but it gets a little easier as time passes. There more I tell myself that she is trying, the more it makes me want to try.

I want to visit her more. To understand her more. I want to make up for the years we've lost. I just have to keep telling myself that she wants the same thing. Perhaps we can salvage something out of the pain.

"I've decided something." I say after a while.

"Oh?"

"Yes. I've decided I'm not going to be you."

Her face fell slightly, but she kept her small smile in place, "Oh."

"What I mean is that I realize how much like you I am. You told me I got my strength from dad, but I got a lot from you too. Some good, some bad. The worse being your need to rely on others. I thought that if I hated you that would be enough for me not to be like you, but I was wrong. Just because I hate what you did doesn't mean I have to hate you."

"I'm glad to hear you say that. You know that I would take it all back if I could."

"I know."

We settled into a comfortable silence which is something I never thought possible. The only silence that ever filled the space between Yuka and I had the lingering scent of Vodka and body odor. Now the air smelled like fresh towels, warm tea and the rain.

What a difference a few months can make.

Regular visits with Yuka are still a little far off for me, but I don't dread them anymore. Jii-chan calls me on the phone all the time and never forgets to ask when I'll be back to visit again. Somehow in his old age my grandfather has managed to hold on to his cunning. The combination of charm and guilt always prompts me to make promises to visit soon.

As I hang up the phone with Jii-chan and resume my spot next to Youichi on the couch, I think about the other messes in my life that need tending to. Now that I have a high school diploma, university is back on the table. Reasonably speaking I can always start taking classes at the local junior college, but then I'll have to answer a lot of questions I don't have answers for.

What do you want to study?

What are your interests?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

I only seem to know what I don't want for myself. I don't want to keep running. I don't want to die. I don't want to let anyone down. Other than those things, everything else is a complete mystery to me. Could I see myself as a nurse or a teacher? Not unless I was going to a costume party. How on earth am I supposed to plan out my entire life when surviving day to day has been more than enough of a challenge?

I tug my blanket tighter around my shoulders and sink further into my mental depression. I ran from my past to save my present only to realize I have no sense of my future.

"Hey Youichi, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"That's a stupid question."

"Hm? Why?"

"Because the answer is always stupid. I'm supposed to say something dumb like a fireman or a police officer. No one cares about anything else."

"I guess you're right. It's far more important to ask what kind of person you want to be huh?"

Youichi merely shrugs.

"So what kind of person do you want to be Youichi?"

"Strong. I want to be strong."

Youichi never takes his eyes off the television, but there's a strong conviction in his voice that puts me at ease.

Strong, huh?

Life is made up of random circumstances that shape who we are and ultimately who we will become. Every awful or wonderful thing has led me here and has led Yuka back to a bed in her father's house with her estranged daughter living just a few miles away. I try to imagine life through Yuka's eyes. The child who lost her mother, the girl who had a baby too soon, the woman who lost her husband, the shell of a woman who welcomed death by any means. The more I tried to understand it, the more foreign it became. It was like saying a word over and over to yourself until you start to doubt whether or not it really is a word. I've heard things like "speak it into existence", but can you speak something out of existence?

Can I just keep telling myself everything is going to work out and all the bad stuff with just fall away? With my whole heart I want to believe that, but it takes more than sheer power of will to make or break something. Maybe that's what Natsume meant that night on the boat. When he was telling me to do something he meant to stretch beyond my will.

Before I could sink further into an existential crisis my cell phone started to ring.

"Hello?"

"Oh. My. God."

"Sorry he's not here. Can I take a message?"

"Very funny Mikan."

"I thought so. What's the crisis now Anna?"

"Hotaru's party is a mega crisis."

"Because?"

"Because everyone and I do mean everyone is going to be there. How on earth am I supposed to get any attention with Sumire and the fan girls pawing at every guy in sight?"

"Still waiting for the part of this conversation that is supposed to be a crisis."

"Mikan!"

"Relax Anna. You are far more interesting than those girls will ever be. Plus I'm sure they will all be clamoring for Natsume's attention."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I just thought that since you and Natsume are kind of together."

I can feel the traitorous blush rush to my cheeks, "We are not!"

"Oh come on Mikan. Word travels you know."

"Word? What word? From who? There were no words!"

"What are you embarrassed about? Natsume may be a total jerk, but he's totally hot. Plus you're like the only girl who's held his attention this long."

"I'm not trying to."

"Well Sumire and Gretchen really hate you. So it must be pretty serious. If you and Natsume got married you'd be a Hyuuga and wife to the heir of his entire family legacy. It would be like being royalty!"

"Anna hit the brakes and throw it in park. No one and I repeat no one is getting married. We haven't even spoken to each other since the graduation party."

"Well then talk to him at Hotaru's."

"Yeah because between the fan girls and the loud music and drunken idiots there will be a perfect atmosphere for an intimate chat."

"Well why don't you just call him? Ask him to meet you somewhere."

"I couldn't."

"Why not? He's not going to bite you. There'll be time for that much later."

"Okay ew."

Her laughter bubbled through the speaker, "Just call him. Don't be such a wimp."

She hung up before I could attack her with the never ending list of reasons why calling Natsume was not going to happen. On second thought it's a good thing she hung up because I couldn't come up with anything except the uncomfortable twisting that occurred in my stomach when I thought about calling him.

I put my phone on the coffee table and stare at it. It was taunting me somehow. I can only hear Anna's sugar laden laugh and the longer I stared the louder it got. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. Why can't he just call me first and spare me the humiliation? What would I even say to him?

I distract myself from the dilemma by cooking dinner. And what's dinner without dessert? Procrastination spiraled out of control leading me to wash, dry, and put away all the dishes and by the time I go back to my phone it is way past a decent calling hour. I feel relief with a simultaneous urge to kick myself.

Before I could contemplate how to get my head into the garbage disposal my phone rings.

"Hi Hotaru."

"You didn't call him did you?"

"No."

"Idiot."

"I have a small child to take care of you know."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Don't start. You've obviously been talking with Anna."

"Why she insists on calling me about things I already have knowledge of I have no idea."

"Anna just has he gift of gab."

"Sure seems that way."

"I have no idea what either of you are talking about anyway. If I wanted to speak to him I would call him. I haven't and therefore I do not wish to talk to him at this time."

"Whatever. If you and Natsume want to tiptoe around each other till the end of time that's fine with me. Just leave the dramatics at home when you come to my party."

"Because I was really looking forward to causing a scene?"

"Call him, don't call him, I really couldn't care less, but if he takes the opportunity to whet his appetite with some of the more prominent socialites at my party you are banned from all scene-making."

"Like that would ever happen."

"Which part? The notorious womanizing Natsume giving in to temptation or you letting your emotions get the better of you? Either way you look at it, it won't be pretty. Call him."

Another abrupt hang up

Doesn't anyone say goodnight? I toss my phone onto the pile of clothes I was shifting through. I need to find something to wear to the party. Something that says "I don't care if you kiss someone else I'll just stand here and look hot." Well maybe not hot, but I'll settle for a delicate smolder. Hardly anything in my closet strikes me as more than lukewarm. With my luck, the night of the party will probably be unseasonably cold. I can see myself in a tiny cocktail dress shivering so hard everyone will mistake it for a new dance craze or a standing epileptic seizure.

Its summer what am I contemplating shivering seizures for? I just needed to be myself right? That is such generic advice. 'Be yourself.' What a crock. There are at least seventeen versions of myself and I'm pretty sure they all belong in group therapy. The task right now is picking one of them to be on display at the party.

Cool and aloof Mikan who barely casts a glance in Natsume's direction?

Happy and ditzy Mikan who can't stop dancing and laughing long enough to acknowledge Natsume's presence?

Or sexy and confident Mikan who maintains eye contact while sipping champagne?

Okay I know I can't pull off that last one anywhere except in my imagination. The question at this very moment was which version of me could handle a telephone conversation with him right now.

I scrolled through the names in my contact log very slowly. I was trying to drag out the process for as long as possible which isn't exactly easy when there are only like five numbers in your cell phone. I have his number saved under 'Natsume Meanie :(((.' Which I really should change since it seems painfully immature at this moment.

If I call and he's asleep, I get to look brave and confident without actually having to talk to him. On the other hand if he picks up and sounds annoyed at having being woken up I don't think I can bare it. What if he hangs up on me? What if I hang up on him in a panic?

Enough is enough. I select his name from my pathetically small contact list and put the phone to my ear. It rings about twice and my stomach drops into my foot.

"Natsume?"

"Who is this?" a female voice asks.

"Sumire?"

"Well I know that you're not Sumire because there can only be one and that's me."

"No, I know. I just meant-,"

"Wait I'd know that annoying mousy tone anywhere. Shouldn't you be scrubbing down tables at Imai's?"

Completely at a loss for words, I try to stifle my incoherent babbling. Sumire's laughter is sharp, short, and cruel.

"You really are a lost cause. Look I know you've enjoyed your time as a cheeseburger or whatever, but it's over now. I am back on top and I do mean that literally. So this is where we can say our goodbyes."

I swallow the lump in my throat, "I would like to speak to Natsume."

"Hello? Are you deaf? Me and Nastume are back together and I would appreciate it if you would back off. You and Gretchen can keep each other company."

"I get it Sumire. You're mean and you're the queen, but if it's not going to make a difference in your newfound love life, I would like to say something to Natsume."

A brief pause and shuffling, and then silence. I don't know if she put her finger over the speaker or put me on mute to have a moment with Natsume, but it was another second before Nastume's voice finally came over the phone.

"Oi."

It took me a minute before I could speak. I didn't really know what to say. I was mad at him, but I knew I didn't have a right to be. I was sad for myself, but I didn't own rights to that either. So squawking like a spurned lover was out of the question and so was the emotional pity party.

"You were right about me." I finally managed to say, "But you knew that. I was right about you too, but not how I expected. I just wanted you to know that. Goodnight."

I think my voice might have cracked towards the end, but when the call was safely ended and his name faded from my screen, I unleashed a wave of tears that made me thankful that Youichi was already tucked away in the bedroom. I wanted to throw my phone throw the window, but my frustration with myself would not be subdued by a broken phone and shattered window. Adding Hotaru's wrath to the mix wouldn't be doing me any favors either.

What am I doing?

Sitting in front of Hotaru's infamous vanity mirror, applying eyeshadow, and having my hair curled by a maid, I thought about my mother. Not Yuka, but my mother. A young teenage girl with the world on a string sitting in front of a mirror getting ready for a party.

Was she as miserable as me?

Or was she laughing and enjoying herself?

As Marie, the maid, slid a final pin into my hair securing my curls to one side, I feel like an classic Hollywood starlet. Perfect brown curls cascading over my shoulder, pink tinted blush, rosy red lips, and pearl earrings. I feel just like Elizabeth Taylor. Way less fabulous and way more Asian, but still very Liz. I stood up and assessed my dress: black with a high, but decorative neckline with lace and a fitted body that gave the illusion of curves. Not drop dead sexy, but not wallflower either. I knew my chance of running into to Natsume was high so I wanted to wear something dark to perhaps camouflage myself in the dim lighting. Maybe that's cowardly, but I think going to the party at all after that horrific phone call was more than my share of brave. As far as I am concerned I am still in the green.

Hotaru emerges from her labyrinth of a closet with a pair of cheetah print heels in tow. She shoves them in my arms without so much as a word and dismisses Marie with a wave of her hand.

"Wow. Louis Vuitton. Are you sure I won't ruin them?"

"I have little faith." She said gathering her purse and shawl.

"Hotaru?"

She pulls on her left boot and looks up at me from behind her dark bangs, "What?"

I just look at her and smile, "Nothing."

"You're weird." She says.

I wanted to tell her how grateful I was to have her as a friend. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. Even though Natsume was still around, he was no longer an option for me and coming to terms with that put me in a very sappy mood. I wanted all of my friends and loved ones to know how precious and irreplaceable they are to me even though I might be exchangeable to them. Hotaru didn't like sappy moments and I didn't want to ruin her mood with my pathetic musings.

I picked up my wrap from her bed and pull it around my shoulders. I follow her down to the town car. I've only had a few rare occasions where Hotaru didn't drive her beloved silver Mercedes. I say 'beloved' very lightly because if you ask her she will tell you that it is just a car. She thinks that town cars are boring, but a necessity when she doesn't want to put her car at risk.

As we pulled up to the lake house, I could see the 'risk' entailed the complicated series of parking going on in front of the house. We had to descend the car several yards from the front porch and maneuver around cars to make our entrance. The music was loud, but infectious. We were hardly through the double doors before I caught myself doing a little hip swing. Hotaru abandoned me in search of Ruka and I tried to find Anna and Nonoko.

There are chairs lining the walls, but no one is sitting. Dancing and standing around yelling at each other to make conversation, but certainly no sitting. I couldn't find my friends, but I did end up in front of the buffet table which was spared no expense. Large plates decorated with scrumptious bite-sized morsels that I can feel my mouth watering for.

I start to pile an empty dish with lots of samples when a certain ruby-eyed devil and his mistress sauntered in. Sumire was in her signature emerald green color in the form of a romper with stiletto boots and Natsume went with his traditional all black ensemble. A few guys greeted him while Sumire quickly became the center of girl chatter and envy.

It's not like they were holding hands or anything, they could have just as easily arrived through the doors at the same time by pure coincidence. Nevertheless I abandoned my plate of food and took a sharp exit through the sliding glass doors. I stroll past various making out couples and few smokers only to wind up alone amongst a thicket of trees.

I'm admitting cowardly defeat by coming out here, but I don't care. I'm at a beautiful house by a beautiful lake in a beautiful dress and everything was so…beautiful. And I will not waste a beautiful evening trapped in a room with Natsume, Sumire, and everything I'm not ready to feel. I just followed my feet for a while. I watched my Louis Vuitton heels kick up dirt and debris as I went. Hotaru will probably kill me for bailing so early. I abandoned my yummy food stuffs, but the last thing I want is to be that lonely girl sitting in a corner stuffing cream puffs and tiny hotdogs in my mouth. They would remove 'pathetic' from the dictionary and put a picture of my hors d'oeuvre filled face.

I bet Elizabeth Taylor wouldn't be outside a fabulous party hiding from people. I wanted to lean against something, but I didn't want to risk the bark of the trees ruining the dress fabric. It had cost me a small fortune at a boutique I went to with Anna. I have all access to Hotaru's famous wardrobe, but I like buying things for myself. With my mother in the state she was in for the last few years I could never spend money on myself without feeling guilty. I avoided malls and shops like the plague. While other girls my age were out buying cute summer dresses and hanging out with boys and girlfriends, I was rushing home to make sure my mother wasn't dying of malnutrition.

In the most unexpected place in the most unexpected way I found a place to call mine. A place where I wasn't just some girl who never went out and studied all the time, I am Mikan Sakura. I've been stubborn. I've been spunky. I've been a downright crybaby, but I've been finding more of myself here than I ever have before.

I'm not the kind of girl that can be chased out of a room by an uncomfortable situation. I am the kind of girl who needs to be inside having fun with my friends before they go off to start their amazing lives. For the first time I can think about the future and be genuinely excited. Even if I didn't have Natsume and Hotaru was going off to university, I can still be myself. I'll smile and laugh and wish them all good luck. I'll stay right where I am so that they can find me. I will stop running away from things.

And then I spotted him.

Under a canopy of trees, cast in shadow by the moonlight, I can see him leering at me with that smile on his face.

I had every intention of going back inside. I had every intention of going back to the party. When it comes to fight or flight I'm pretty sure I have frequent flier miles. But as I saw Persona standing there like an apparition, it just didn't really occur to me that I could run.

In full possession of my wits and of sound mind, I went towards him as casually as I could and as he disappeared into the shadows. I just knew this journey would end up here.

Finally surrendering to my demon and following him to the gates of hell.

Definitely a cliffhanger moment, but very necessary since the last chapter which is indeed the next chapter will be jam packed with stuff that I just didn't want to put into this chapter because I feel like it will take away from the climax and epilouge. I hope you enjoyed and don't be shy with the reviews!

Sidenote: I had this thing ready 2 weeks ago, but I thought it was too short. So I made it longer because I didn't want to disappoint those of you who have been so patint with me. Thank you so much for sticking with me for so long. I love all of you!

Drop me a line.

Lots of Love,

Chi-chan