Hey guys, guess what? The Matt and Mello love scene is finally here! Woah woah slow down don't scroll down to that part yet, I'd like for you to read the stuff leading up to it first XD. And don't worry about it being too much for you, it's not too graphic and I'm sorry if that's disappointing to some but I'm not here to write sex, I'm here to try and portray to the best of my ability an intimate relationship between two characters. Besides I'm a cisgender girl who hasn't been even close to any penises, so I wouldn't know how to write a spectacular sex scene between two people with dicks anyways. Also I'm the queen of minimal editing so I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes. Anyways I hope you like it and please give me some feedback if you have any, here's Chapter Thirteen:
"You know Matt as much as I love you, and of course you can stay longer if you really need to, but eventually you have to go back! All of your stuff is there and you can't run away from your problems forever. He's your best friend!"
Matt sat at Andrea's kitchen table sipping at the black coffee that he had let grow cold. It was disgusting, or he knew logically that it should be disgusting, but he couldn't taste it. He hadn't been able to taste much of anything the past month he had been staying here. He just ate because he knew that he had to, it was why he did everything these days. He ate when Andrea ate. He slept when Andrea slept. He talked to her when she talked to him. He knew that it was bothering her; she could tell he had fallen into a slump but she seemed to be trying to carry on as cheerfully as always so she could support him. She deserved so much better than him and when the numbness waned a little from the corners of his insides the guilt for being a burden to her crept in. He still found it hard to believe that she was letting him stay at her house, that she had forgiven him for lying to her. He hadn't known what to expect when he knocked on her door on the night he didn't like to let himself dwell on.
Ironically it had started to rain, so he felt even more like some abandoned stray dog, limping up to her doorstep to whine to be given shelter from the storm. There was surprise on her face when she opened it but she led him into the living room and brought him a towel to dry off with. She kept asking him questions all the while but he took a few moments to be able to reply. It was like the rain had fallen into his mouth as well and trickled down his throat and he was choking on it, water logged his tongue drowned and thrashed in his mouth unable to form words. Eventually though it managed to spit some out.
He apologized for lying to her all the while well doing it again. He knew he would have to keep the Boston part up and leave out the bit about the orphanage he grew up at being one for child geniuses being raised to replace the world's greatest detective. He told her that he had lied because his past with his parents was still too painful to talk about and that was the same reason why he had wanted to keep the part of his life with her and the part of his life with Mello separate. It was because Mello and his past were too intertwined to introduce one to her without introducing the other. Mello's name was difficult to get out. He mumbled it like it was an offensive slur, something he wouldn't want others to overhear. But he had to choke it up a few more times. He explained to her that Mello was angry that Matt had kept his relationship with her a secret since they shared everything and that they had gotten into an explosive argument and he just wasn't able to live with him anymore. He asked her if she could ever manage to forgive him and please let him stay with her until he could get back on his feet and find a place of his own. He told her that he completely understood if she wanted to break up with him for his dishonesty.
Her response had been as gracious as he should have expected it to be. It was so Andrea to cry for him, to tell him that she didn't mean to make him think she was mad at him for lying when she ran away from the record store, that she had just been shocked. She wasn't mad at all in fact, she told him, she was only upset that he felt like he couldn't trust her enough to confide in her and had to lie when he was going through so much pain, that she shouldn't have been so selfish to talk so much about herself and not have asked him more about his own life. She felt horrible and of course he could stay as long as he needed to and that she wouldn't dream of breaking up with him over something like this.
That shut him right up of course, after reassuring her that he did trust her and she had done nothing wrong and had been so kind to him. He knew that he needed to break up with her to truly come clean to her about how he felt, but now he didn't know how. She clearly cared for him so much, had done so much for him, and now he was going to repay her by breaking up with her and telling her that their relationship had been a lie as well? That while he loved her he wasn't in love with her, that he was actually in love with Mello.
It made him want throw up now admitting that to himself, feeling that emotion flush through his whole body and make his pulse reverberate in his ears. The words Mello had said had planted a seed of doubt deep inside him about their friendship, it had never been what he thought it was, a bond based in love so strong that it couldn't be broken, that they would be partners in crime together forever. Had he always been suffocating Mello, hanging off and on to him and clinging with his feelings out in the open so obvious, disgusting him? Had Mello merely been tolerating him and secretly thinking he was foolish and crazy? Don't be so fucking delusional. So that's what he really thought; that Matt had twisted their relationship into a fantasy, reading too much into every what he now knew was meaningless touch. And now he had sacrificed their friendship for it, had ruined it by admitting his feelings out loud all in the name of a dream of being reciprocated that wasn't going to come true. He hadn't been satisfied in just being Mello's best friend but now he couldn't even be with him in that capacity. He was hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, and angry and now he would never have the courage to face him again.
"Thank you. I still have my key so I'll go over there and pick up my stuff eventually. When he's at work."
"Oh Matt! You need to go over there and talk to him face to face and work things out by communicating! I'm not going to let you throw your friendship with him away over one fight! You two have been together since you were little; he's the most important person in your life..."
"Andrea it's been over a month and he hasn't tried to contact me. I don't think he wants to talk to me."
"He's clearly just as stubborn as you are if not more! You're both waiting on each other to make the first move of apology and eventually one of you is going to have to crack. Although I do admit that I think that it should be him. It was horrible of him spilling your secrets in the middle of the store like that when you weren't ready to talk about them yet."
If only you knew how much more horrible things between us are, Matt thought. Then you would know how pathetic and awful I am and stop treating me so nicely.
He had to rely on her to survive for now, until the water that filled his body finally dried, but he promised himself that eventually he would tell her the truth so that she could move on from him and heal. So that at least one of them would be able to. If he was able to make only part of this right then he would, no matter how hard it would be. For now, it felt like nothing would be right ever again.
_
When Andrea has shifts at work, Matt lies on her bed and drifts in and out of restless sleep. Under normal circumstances he would be procrastinating by gaming, but even that doesn't hold much appeal for him these days. He knows that he should sneak over the apartment and get his things but he can't bear the thought of accidentally running into Mello, even though there's barely any chance that he would be home during the day. He knows that he should start looking for his own job and his own place so that he can come clean to Andrea, but he can't bear the thought of officially having a new home of sorts, officially recognizing that he's not going to live with Mello again, that they can never go back to the way things were. He doesn't know what he's going to do with his life now. His whole life up to this point has been all about supporting Mello and he's just now realizing how unhealthy it is to be that co-dependent, to have no goals of his own. He has no aim and he realizes he's going to keep drifting endlessly and unhappily if he doesn't find one.
He wakes up one afternoon to the sound of her apartment door creeping open. It's evening now; the sunlight that was previously cast on the bed is now fading away as it slowly travels across the floor. He checks the bedside clock and its 5:00pm but Andrea has the closing shift tonight and shouldn't be home till 12:30pm. For some reason in his half asleep state he jumps to the conclusion that it must be a break in, grabs the lamp off the dresser and yanks the wire out of the electrical socket, clutching it between tightly curled palms like it's a bat he's going to swing. He tiptoes across the carpet and peers out the doorway, instantly locking eyes with the fiery blue irises he thought that he would never have the pleasure of being burned by again.
"Hey..." Mello greets weakly and Matt drops the lamp so that it shatters on the ground into countless white shards scattering everywhere, one flying up to cut his cheek. "Hey be fucking careful!"
Matt carefully steps out of the circle of sharp ceramic pieces towards Mello in the living room but keeps the leather couch between them. Even though he was relieved to look him in the eye, he finds that he can't do it again. He keeps staring at his sweater sleeve that he used to dry the blood from the scratch on his cheek, studying the brown-red blobs as if they're much more interesting then the boy before him.
"So this is where you've been holding up the whole time huh? I used the software on your laptop to trace your cell phone. Surprisingly fucking easy."
Matt continues to admire his arm.
"So do you have any fucking thing you want to say to me?"
"I don't know. Why are you here now?"
"Well, I'm fucking here to bring you home obviously! You can't stay here with hippy girl she's probably busy and stuff."
"And you aren't? You must have been considering it's been almost two months." Matt grumbles bitterly.
"I had to figure a fucking lot out first! Do a lot of thinking... and I didn't really think you would be too happy to see me after you know... the things I said to you..." Mello trails off.
"You were the one who made it sound like you never wanted to see me again, seeing as I disgust you so much." Matt throws at him.
"What?! Don't be so fucking stupid you know that that's not true! You're blowing things way fucking out of proportion, I was just a little pissed off and... confused."
"Well how was I supposed to know it's not true, you can't seem to go a minute without insulting me. You don't treat someone like that just because your pissed off Mello, you don't know how terrible you made me feel, I haven't fucking been able to feel anything since!" Matt shouts.
"You know that's just how I am, you can't expect me to fucking change that, I thought you knew me well enough to know I don't mean it! To understand that the things you told me aren't something you can just drop like a bomb on me and expect me to just accept!" Mello yells back, a little louder than Matt.
"You obviously knew how I felt about you for a long time and were too much of a coward to say anything! You seemed to have a whole speech of bottled up feelings about how me loving you creeps you the fuck out!"
"Fuck can't you see I'm trying to tell you that it doesn't creep me out! That was just how I reacted because... I was fucking freaked out. Not about how you feel about me, yeah I knew for a long time but I didn't realize how I... shit this is hard." Mello curses under his breath.
"So what all that shit about me being delusional was what? Just a defense mechanism? You decided to stomp my self esteem into the ground as a fucking defense mechanism?" Matt asks angrily.
"Well yeah okay and I knew it wasn't fucking right but that's just me! It takes me a long time to realize how I feel and when I did it fucking freaked me out so bad that I had to push you away! So I did!"
"Wait, what the hell are you talking about?" Matt asked.
"You know! I started realizing that I was feeling it too so I...fucking stopped the whole fooling around thing and started seeing those prostitutes and it seemed like I was going to be able to avoid it since you were too chickenshit to say anything! But then I figured out about that hippy chick and it pissed me the fuck off to realize that I had pushed you to her and that you had been telling her all about me. And then you finally said it and I knew I wouldn't be able to fucking deal with it, that I had to make it go away... so I made you go away. Do you get it now?" Mello sighed.
"Um no, seriously man what are you fucking trying to say?"
"I'm trying to fucking say... that I'm in love with you too dumbass! But that fucking scared me because it's wrong for someone like me to feel that way okay, I've never felt that way about anyone, not even L, and it shouldn't even be on my fucking mind because of him, because I have a duty to fill and it's only going to end with both of us hurt! I put you in enough fucking danger as it is, there's enough ways for the mafia or Kira to link you to me and threaten me with you without that! So if I wasn't such a fucking weakling then I would have let you go after that, let you finally have your own life and be safe but I couldn't okay, because you're the only person in this world that I need okay, because I love you! And that's the reason why L made me his 2nd successor instead of 1st, because I can't fucking shut off feelings like that!"
Matt stood there frozen as Mello made his way around the couch to him, as he grabbed his shoulders and shook him as he furiously spit all this out. He couldn't believe what he was hearing even though he had always hoped it was true, all his hope had been erased during their last conversation and now he didn't know how to believe that this was possible. That Mello could love him, it was impossible.
"You can't love me. You said that you could never love me."
"Matty you big idiot, I was fucking lying!"
When Mello presses his lips to his Matt feels like he must be dreaming, like this can't truly be happening but it must be, because Matt's brain could never come up with anything as vivid as the warmth of Mello's arms wrapping around him, of his scorching palms making their way under his sweater to roam and scrape at the skin of his back. Nothing in a dream could feel so real and right, but Matt's scared to let himself savour it. What if Mello's lying to him again, what if there's some other ploy for him to act this way?
"Mello," Matt pants as he finally drags his mouth away from Mello's but this doesn't stop his friend, he just continues to run them over his jaw line and plant a feathery kiss at the edge of his ear. "Do you really mean it? Do you love me?"
"Of course I fucking do dummy. Matty, I love you. You better fucking believe it."
Matt feels the heat pooling in his stomach like a bowl of soup, knows that it's going to melt him from the inside out and turn him to mush but he doesn't care because this feeling is worth it. Mello's moving them over the armrest of couch so that Matt's laying flat back against the cushions underneath him as he reaches to yank his sweater over his head, his fingertips brushing over the cigarette burn scars gently, leaving a hot trail in their wake.
"Matty, you're so fucking beautiful." He whispers, peering down at him through his burning blue eyes.
Matt's breath hitches in his throat as Mello leans his head down to suck at the skin over his collar bone, on his stomach, forming a pinky purple print over each scar. His hips rise as he wraps his legs up around Mello's thighs that are in between his, but Mello forcefully pins them back down and untangles himself, hooking his fingers in the waistband of Matt's jeans.
"Off." He growls and with that single word they do come off, Matt wriggling out of them as quick as he can but feeling embarrassed after wards as he's left in his black boxers lifted in the front.
"Let's even up the playing field a bit." He tells Mello, reaching for the zipper of his leather vest and blushing all the while he pulls it down.
The rosary stays on of course, Matt should have known, but he finds he doesn't mind as he traces he hard contours of Mello's chest, even likes the sensation of the metal hanging down to brush against his skin. Mello smirks at Matt's red-faced bashfulness and pulls his legs up around his waist and holds them there, running his palms over them as he kisses Matt roughly and bits at his lips. Matt can feel the warmth in his stomach and groin grow stronger and tighter until it's almost painful, he strains to wrap his legs around tighter and lean up into him and it doesn't escape Mello's notice. He picks his trail down Matt's abdomen back up again but this time he travels lower, down to Matt's pelvic bone to the edge of his boxers and begins to pull them down and off as his lips trail lower too, kissing Matt's inner thigh and making him flinch.
"What are you up to down there?" He laughs nervously, fingernails digging into the couch cushion beside him. Mello grins up at him deviously, letting his teeth graze against Matt's skin.
"Showing you just how fucking beautiful you are."
His mouth takes the tip of Matt in between his lips and sucks, his tongue sweeping out to lick it, and Matt's hands fly to Mello's hair, clutching at the roots as he gasps as all the warmth in his gut builds up there as Mello works him up until it comes spilling over as he shivers it out of him, letting out a moan that's too loud and would make him self-conscious if he wasn't in such bliss. Mello comes back up once he's finished to him to look him in the eye with a smug expression as he traces Matt's cheek with his hand as it flushes and he kisses him gently. The more tender Mello is the less he can face him, it's too strange.
"Don't start getting fucking shy on me now; I was trying to get you to loosen up. I'm the one being fucking vulnerable here, couldn't you feel how much I want you?"
"I'm not getting shy! Where did you learn how to do that? Isn't this your first time being with a dude?" Matt asks nervously.
"Well yeah! But the experience is a bit similar, but with you it's different, I promise. With the girls it was just like a task I had to complete, something to check off a list. I enjoy doing it to you. I like seeing your face and feeling you squirm. I thought you were going to fucking rip my hair out."
Matt wants to hide his face in the cushion next to him at this comment.
"Wow, to add to your shadiness not only are you a mafia member but your also a pervert, making me the only one whose exposed."
"Well how about we even up the playing field a bit more then. Do you want to do the fucking honours?" Mello laughs gesturing to his leather pants.
"Please, I would have to cut them off to get you out of them; it looks like you painted them on! No, you can take care of this part."
Mello does, getting up and off of Matt to slip out of both them and his boxers and stand proudly as if it's the most casual thing in the world, him there naked and staring down at Matt naked. At first Matt thinks that it shouldn't make him so nervous, after all they've seen each other naked before, but then again this is in a completely new and open concept. They both know how they feel about each other now and how they want each other and what's going to happen next. It's an atmosphere of almost unbearable tension.
"Ah! Almost fucking forgot!" Mello exclaims suddenly, breaking the tension to pick up his pants he's slung on the floor to dig into their pocket and fish out a condom, unwrapping it.
"Hey, who decided that you're the one who will be wearing that? And did you really fucking just have that in your pocket; did you plan to seduce me?" Matt asked teasingly.
"Oh please, I'm just always prepared! You wouldn't even fucking know how to put it on anyways, and seeing the way things are going, it seems pretty fucking likely that I'm going to be the one on top. And you fucking like it that way don't you?" Mello replies huskily, kneeling back on to the couch in front of Matt and running his hand over his calf to grab hold of the back of his knee. He leans up over him, pressing his other palm in Matt's hand and clasping their fingers together to let them fall back next to Matt's head. "That makes you all warm and fuzzy and a little freaked out but don't worry, because Mello is going to take very good care of you."
"Oh geez, you're so fucking gross!" Matt laughs and Mello chuckles too before slipping into seriousness.
"But you're okay with this right? Because if not we can just stop right now and wait, or never even do it that's okay too, like I just want to know that this is what you want."
"Mells it is, it is what I want! I love you." Matt says earnestly and it feels so good to say, to have it be welcomed. Mello smiles at him, a real smile not a smirk or a grin and there's so much light in his eyes.
"I love you too, Matty. But," He says as he leans down to press his soft lips to the shell of Matt's ear. "Call me Mihael. Just for tonight, I want to hear what it sounds like from your mouth, when you can't fucking remember how to say anything else."
"Oh my lord," Matt laughs again but his heart is pounding in his chest from the words his best friend- and his lover- said. "Have you been saving up all this dirty shit for this opportunity or something?"
"Well sort off. But I think you like it. But you're ready huh?"
"Yes! Go for it or whatever."
"Or whatever." Mello chuckles. "Okay then."
When Mello's first inside Matt it's a little strange and uncomfortable and he's anxious as hell. But once he shifts around in there a bit soon the warmth is building back up in his insides again and he's eager to meet even the slightest movement, wraps his legs up over Mello's hips so it's easier to do so and scraping his nails down his spine. Mello's breath becomes loud and strained and Matt can tell that he's holding himself back, and he doesn't need him to anymore.
"Mihael," He pants and the name rolls off his tongue gracefully and he instantly loves it. "Give me your all."
Mello laughs at him but listens, becoming more forceful, pulls Matt's hands back from his shoulders and restrains them above his head as he groans.
"You've definitely fantasized about this too, fucking hypocrite."
Matt wants to make a quip back and have the last word but he's too breathless to get anything out but sounds and Mello's name, which he can tell he's way too pleased with. The warmth in his stomach is tightening like a ribbon is being slowly wound around it and he knows that he's going to fall over the edge of his high soon. When he finishes Mello does too, even in sex they're in sync. He pulls out of Matt and falls next to him, throwing his arm over his waist and breathing heavily.
"Well that was fucking spectacular!" He laughs, turning to Matt and kissing his nose who then flushes and covers his face with his hands, peeking at Mello through his spread fingers.
"Fucking right it was, I'm probably the best you've ever had."
"Obviously, you little fucking narcissist. I liked hearing you say my name, it's been a long time since anyone's called me it."
"It's beautiful." Matt says trying to embarrass Mello as well and succeeding as the boy buries his warm face into his shoulder.
"Yeah, whatever. Was it as fucking good as you hoped though?"
"Better than that. But now... I'm kind of scared." Matt admits.
"Scared of what?"
"That... like maybe now you'll be done with me. That it was just physical for you or something because it took so long for you to admit to it, and now there won't be any reason for you to want me to stick around because you'll be over it."
Mello looks miffed by this.
"Matt, the reason it took so long for me to admit it is because it's not just physical, because I love you. If it was just physical I would have fucked you a long time ago without regard for your feelings, because that's just the type of bastard I am."
"I just find that kind of to be a miracle though. As fucking cheesy as hell as it sounds, I'm almost scared I'm dreaming this."
"Why do you find it so hard to believe? Sure, it was pretty fucking hard for me to get around to saying it, but it's not like you're unlovable in the slightest. Lots of people are drawn to you."
"Psh, the hell you talking about?" Matt laughs self deprecatingly.
"Well like Andrea! She fell for you and forgave you even after you lied to her!"
"I think Andrea is more into loving me loving her. Come on Mello, try to use some of your excellent psychology skills here, were the children of abusive parents who were orphaned. There's not a lot you need to put together to figure out why accepting that people love us would be hard for us."
Mello pulls Matt tighter, tucking him under his chin and mussing at his scalp.
"Well then I'll just keep saying it until you accept it, until you're so grossed out by the lame ass mushiness of it that you can't fucking stand it anymore. I love you Matt. I love you, I love you, I love you." He plants a kiss on the top of his head for each one and Matt makes a faux gagging noise.
"You're right that is pretty sickening!"
"Get used to it asshole."
They fall into gentle cozy silence, and Matt can hear Mello easing into sleep, his breath becoming even and deep and he so badly wants to let him. He can see the purple bags weighing down his fierce eyes, the stress wrinkles forming between his brows from too much furrowing, wonders how much he's been worrying in his absence, how he's managed on getting any sleep on his own. He wants to let him rest and forget all his troubles but he has to ask, has to know about what he's been missing, how much Danger that Mello has been in.
"So what's been happening while I've been gone. You know, with the mafia and the Kira case."
Mello lets out a deep sigh through his nose.
"Well I kind of threw myself into both after you left. I couldn't stand to be alone in the apartment honestly, fucking slept in their nasty hideout quite a few times. I'd take their loud obscenities over the silence. And Kira's as fucking powerful as ever with more idiots worshiping him every day. You know when I first started this case I was a real cocky dumbass, I didn't think it would have been this long with no progress made. And I keep thinking about how fucking Near might be doing on it and it's driving me crazy."
Matt's eyes snap open at this.
"Oh Near, fuck I forgot!"
"What do you mean you forgot?"
"He probably thinks something happened to us!"
"What are you talking about? I haven't talked to the sheep since I left Wammy's!"
It's right then that Matt comes to his senses through his foggy happy haze and realizes that Mello doesn't know that he's been sending Near monthly updates through highly coded email just to tell him that both him and Mello had gone to the US and are in LA and are fine, aren't in any danger. It's minimal information, nothing at all to do with the case but he's still terrified that Mello is going to throw a fit about him never mentioning it, having been doing it for the past two years. After his falling out with Mello he had been so depressed that he had forgot all about sending them, and since he had never missed them before because he had wanted to make good on his promise to repay Near for helping them, for all Near knew they both could be dead or something.
"Can you handle just one more tiny thing I've been keeping from you?"
"Oh fuck please tell me you haven't been dating Near behind my back too." Mello snorts and Matt hopes that this may go better than he thought.
"No it's just... when you left Wammy's I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to get out of there to follow you while everyone was on such high alert. So I asked for Near's help, for some reason I knew that he wouldn't be the type to snitch on me. He just had one condition, that every once and awhile I let him know you and I are doing, nothing specific or about the case just where we went and that we're alive and we're okay. He said he just wanted it for his peace of mind."
"And you fucking believed him! What peace of mind, dude's a fucking robot! He just wants to know as much as he can about what I'm doing because he's scared I'll solve the Kira Case first, he just didn't want to push it too much by asking you for specific details but knew he could take advantage to get a few things out of you. Shit, I hope to fucking gosh he never shows up here trying to convince me to work under him or something."
"Mello, I think that he seriously doesn't care about who solves the case, he just wants Kira gone." Matt explains.
"Fuck, he's totally gotten on your good side by helping you track me so I guess I'll have to be the voice of truth here. Dude is just as fucking messed up as I am, maybe even more so. He doesn't care about justice like L did! All he wants is a puzzle to solve, the satisfaction of beating a game, and this is the biggest game in decades! He's not going to fucking let me take that from him easily, he's got tricks up his creepy white pajama sleeves."
As serious as Mello sounds about what he's saying the phrase 'creepy white pajama sleeves' sends Matt into a fit of uncontrollable laughter that could of sent him rolling of the couch if he wasn't snuggled tightly in Mello's arms.
"Well I don't think Near is going to show up at our doorstep, I think he knows you might kill him for trying that! He'll probably go to Japan right, to where it began? That's what L did, maybe we should too eventually."
"We will, don't think I haven't fucking considered it. Near has more resources than we do since he stayed at Wammy's, we've had to collect our own and once we get evener footing, a bit more to go on, then we'll go there to face Kira head on. Did he say he was in Japan?"
"No, he hasn't said much of anything. Actually all he replies with is 'Good'."
"Fucking cold hearted little shit."
"Hey get this Mello, I think he genuinely likes you. I think he has more respect for you out of anyone aside from the respect he had for L and Watari. I think he's even kind of jealous of you."
"Why would he be, he's smug as the devil."
"Because you connect with people on an emotional level, a level that he could never be able to express or reach. In fact, I think L kind of envied that too." Matt muses, thinking back to that confusing night in the Wammy's foyer, a night where he had also been wrapped up in Mello's limbs before being told the disheartening story about Wammy's relationships by the world's greatest detective.
"That's fucking stupid, L never had any time for things like that, any committed detective shouldn't. It's why he placed me second."
Matt wonders if there will ever come a day that the bitterness in Mello's voice doesn't seep into that sentence and make it toxic, something of deep regret, and the emotion in the word second triggers another insecurity in him, one that he's kept locked away since that night but surfaces forward easily now, when he is naked in more sense of the word than one.
"Do you ever resent me for holding you back?"
Mello sits up startled by the question, looks down at Matt with wide eyes but keeps their hands intertwined.
"Why the fuck would you ever think that?! You've never held me back, I was emotional before you came to Wammy's, it's a part of who I am that isn't going away. I'm always lashing out, and it would be even worse if I didn't have you. I don't know how I went this long. I never want to do it again. You know, I think that if you'd never show up at Wammy's I might be dead? I think that sort of thing runs in families you know, the capacity to be able to fucking off yourself."
"Aw fuck Mells, don't say that!"
"I mean it. You've never held me back, if anything you've saved me. You're just my little fucking gay atheist guardian angel aren't you." Mello laughs, but Matt can see through the sarcasm that he means it, sits up as well to embrace Mello, to kiss his cheek.
"Something like that. Dude, we should probably put on some clothes and clear out of here. I've imposed myself on Andrea enough and it would be a final punch to the gut for her to find out I've slept with you."
"Oh fuck you haven't broken up with her yet have you?"
"I know I'm horrible, but I needed somewhere to stay and I just couldn't bring myself to break up with her when she had just forgiven me so willingly like that. I'll do it as nicely as I can tomorrow; I really hope we can stay friends. I know you think she's a bit odd, but she's actually amazing. There's like not an ounce of evil in her, it's just all light."
"Not like me huh?"
"Not like me either! I could never actually be with someone like that. She deserves way better."
"I fucking wholeheartedly agree," Mello teases. "But I don't." He leans into Matt and presses their lips together.
In this moment everything is warm and soft and light in the afterglow, everything is peaceful and there's no Andrea, or Near, or Mafia, or even Kira. There are just two young boys holding each other like their only two people in the world, because to each other they are. It's just Matt and Mello, together unveiled and honest like Matt's always wanted to be, and everything feels as right as it could ever be, it's perfect. He just hopes it can stay this way. He wishes that he could stretch out this moment so that it would last forever, so that this would be his whole life. He wouldn't mind that at all, but that wouldn't be much fun for us now would it?