First Clannad/Clannad After Story fic. If you want to read this as beginnings of Tomoyo/Tomoya, then you can, but I really did not intend it as such. It's been about a month since I watched the show, so it was a little hard to get emotionally related to these characters enough to write this... but I absolutely can not watch it again. I'm afraid to. So. I tried my best. Ah... I hope you enjoy :)
"I don't know," Ryou muttered, biting her lip as the group made their noisy way up the stairs to the Okazaki's apartment. "Everyone, I still think we should wait a few weeks. Families with newborns can be very busy..."
Kyou laughed, her hand coming down to tousle in her twin's hair. "What? Backing out now? But you've helped us all this way! You're the one who told us when Okazaki Ushio was checked out of the hospital!"
"I- I still shouldn't have done that! My supervisor would be angry if he knew I was snooping on to other patients' files!"
Tomoyo impatiently bustled her way to the front of the way, unwilling to let the younger Fujibayashi talk them down. If Tomoya and Nagisa were too busy to let them know their child had come earlier, it was understandable- but that did not mean they were going to miss out on an onslaught from the old drama club. It was a momentous occasion, and, damn it, they were going to make it momentous.
"Tomoya, Nagisa!" she called, rapping a fist smartly on the door a few times. "Hey! Anyone home?!"
"Aww, look!" Kyou pointed at the stuffed mailbox, a pile of what looked like to be a week's worth of mail sitting untouched. "They're so busy Tomoya's forgotten to check the mail."
"Oi, why's that the man's job?!"
"Why are you here again, Sunohara?"
While Sunohara let out an agonized cry of despair, Tomoyo thumped the door again, her smile widening at the thought of what the two new parents were going through inside. Maybe she'd be a little Nagisa, and she'd whine and cry because she was too young to hide it like her mother, or, god help them all, a little Tomoya. The devil would be running around the house, tearing things apart and hiding from her parents...
Or, maybe, she thought, her smile softening, it would be a little Okazaki. Nagisa had changed what that name meant, not just by taking it on herself but by changing Tomoya, too. Now Okazaki meant, above all else, caring, sweet and so caring for their friends it would've made Tomoyo feel like a bad person if she didn't love her friends so much.
A little Okazaki baby...
"Maybe they can't hear you, Tomoyo," Sunohara pointed out from behind her, and she frowned darkly. Just like him to interrupt such nice thoughts. "When my parents had Mei the house was so loud we wouldn't have been able to hear a plane if it'd passed overhead."
"But it's so quiet," Kotomi said. Softly.
And she was right; the apartment was very quiet. Tomoyo couldn't hear a single thing from inside.
"Well, in that case, they're probably just sleeping. I heard one of my teachers say that in a class at the hospital. If the baby's asleep the parents should be, too. Ah, I knew this was a bad idea..." Ryou worried, taking a few steps back.
It was Sunohara to the rescue, the newly not so sunny blond stepping forward and spreading his arms wide. "We're not leaving now! You think I'd pass up the chance to see Okazaki a mess? I'm always the mess! Well, not anymore, I say, not anymore! Ha! Oh, wait..." Sunohara's triumphant expression faded and the man frowned, digging deeper in his pockets. "Wait, where is it..." He rummaged through a few candy wrappers, some old coins, a fistful of lint, his frown creasing deeper all the while.
Just when Tomoyo, aggravated to wit's end, had started to crack her knuckles, the oblivious idiot at last held up his find with a victory cry once again. "Aha! See!"
"...It's a bobby bin."
"What the hell are you going to do with that?"
"Sunohara, you idiot!"
"Hey, hey, wait, now!" Sunohara cried, backing away from the advancing duo headed to beat his head into submission. Tomoyo didn't know about Kyou, but she hadn't lost her tendency to kick idiot ass. "I'm going to pick the lock! Hell! What is wrong with you, why do I always have to be the punching bag?!"
"...Damn it, that's actually a good idea."
"Yeah! See! I told you so!"
Ryou shifted uneasily again. "I still don't think it's actually a good idea..."
Tomoyo pushed on eagerly, shoving Sunohara down to the door before transferring her bags from one hand to the next. "Come on, Ryou, they'll appreciate it. They'll be so exhausted of taking care of little Ushio-chan we can give them a break- well, Nagisa a break; Tomoya won't need one-"
"Ack! Hey, that wasn't the deal!"
Frowning, she pushed Sunohara's head back down to the door. "Did anyone ask you?"
He whimpered, but Kyou broke in before the whimper could turn into a full blown faked sob. "Nah, Tomoyo. Have you seen how he dotes over Nagisa? How protective he is? We're more likely to find Nagisa trying to help from bed but Tomoyo exhausted from running around trying to do everything."
Tomoyo shrugged. Kyou had a point. Tomoya wasn't the delinquent loser he'd always been, and with Nagisa, he'd shifted out of that mode pretty quickly.
Sunohara at last unlocked the door- guess he was good for something- and the group ran over his dramatic cheer without a second thought. Tomoyo stepped inside and grinned; still, no noise, not even a whisper. They had to have been right; everybody was sleeping.
They tiptoed down the deserted hallway, Tomoyo looking around for signs of the new baby. The place was curiously neat, though. From what she could see the kitchen was a mess, but the floor of the hallway was very clean- almost immaculate.
She moved slower, confused, now, and looked around uncertainly.
She didn't think it should be this quiet; this clean.
Where the Okazakis ate dinner was, also, much too clean; there was nothing on the table but an abandoned, already used pair of chopsticks that looked rather old. The rest of the room was neat as well, not through order but through a particular lack of things. The myriad of stuff, both bought by the Okazakis and given to them as presents, to prepare for the new baby, previously piled in the corner, were all mysteriously absent. Every single one. Even the toys, which Ushio would be far too young to play with.
All that was left was the bedroom.
Tomoyo had never felt like this- this rising sense of dread. She'd been scared before, scared when Kazuto had beaten her that he would go further, terrified beyond words when her brother went up to that rooftop- but never before a rising sense that things were not right.
Silently, she led the way into their bedroom.
Here, at last, was Tomoya.
He sat against the wall beside Nagisa's empty futon, his head sagging against his left shoulder, deep in what looked to be an exhausted sleep. The state of his hair and skin made her think he hadn't seen a bath in over a week, his clothes looked like they hadn't been changed since then either, and the room, at last, was the mess she'd been looking for- strips of clothes strewn about, an empty bowl upturned in the corner, unmade beds, Nagisa's in particular a disaster.
This did not help anything sit right with her.
Next to Tomoyo sat Nagisa's plump, pink dango.
"Where are Nagisa-chan and Ushio-chan?" Kotomi whispered.
None of them answered.
Tomoyo grimly faced ahead and headed right for Tomoya. She dropped down on her knees before him and touched his cheek, shaking him a little. "Tomoya. ...Okazaki. Wake up. ...Tomoya!"
Ryou made a vague noise of distress, the nurse in training taking a step forward to stop her, but before she got farther than that Tomoya started awake. His dull eyes flickered open and moved between them, seeing but not registering a single thing. His expression did not flicker from the dead nothing he'd had in sleep.
"Oh," he murmured, monotonous, and moved around them all as if they weren't even there to look at a bowl of water by Nagisa's futon. "I'm sorry, Nagisa, the ice melted. Here, I'll get you some more." Tomoya got to his unsteady feet and jogged back towards the kitchen- still not sparing any of them a single look.
"T-Tomoya?"
He came back a few moments the sound of the freezer being opened and shut later, the bowl in his hands filled with ice chips. He ate one himself and smiled. "It's good, Nagisa. Here; you need to try some." He set the bowl down again, nudging it closer to an empty pillow. If Tomoyo looked closer, she could see a few brown strands of Nagisa's hair lying untouched behind. "Oh, you're not thirsty now? That's okay. Just make sure you take some soon."
Tomoyo didn't know what to think. She stared down at the scene before her, uncomprehending. She watched as Okazaki's hand moved in a stroking motion over thin air, how empty his eyes were, how brittle his smile looked. She watched as one of her best friends played the role of a loving husband- over a loving wife who was not there.
The rising dread climaxed to the point that she felt sick, and grounded to the spot.
It was Sunohara that moved forward, bravely but without a single trace of a smile or any of his usual bubbly cheerfulness. He looked more serious than she'd ever seen him, his best friend's plight able to move him far more than any troubles in his own life. Sunohara dropped down so he and Tomoya were at eye level and forced Tomoya to look at him, raising his gaze from the empty futon. "Okazaki, where are Nagisa-chan and Ushio-chan?"
Tomoyo tilted his head to the side, as if confused. "Ushio's right here," he said blankly, reaching out a hand and holding it in mid air over where Nagisa's stomach would've been. He rubbed the air lovingly. "Such a stupid question, Sunohara. She's not due for another week. Can't you see she's still pregnant?"
A dead silence fell.
"...No, I can't, Okazaki! There's no one here!"
For the first time Tomoya's eyes darkened, and he glared at Sunohara in the only sign of emotion she'd seen from him this entire time. "Shut up, Sunohara. Shut up."
"Okazaki..."
Sunohara stared, not understanding or perhaps refusing to. Tomoya was still glaring, eyes no longer dull but furious with warning, previously blank features turned predatory; dark.
But Sunohara, never one to be intimidated and never one to back down, at last pressed on. "Okazaki, there's no one here! Look!" He firmly slammed his hand down in the middle of the empty futon- and kept on going even when Tomoya's face contorted in agony. "Nagisa-chan isn't-"
"Shut up!" He grabbed and yanked Sunohara's arm out of the way so violently the former blond cried out, and far from brought back to his senses, Tomoya shoved him away so hard Sunohara hit the floor. "Get away from her!"
"Oi, Okazaki! What's your problem?!"
"Get away from Nagisa!"
His shout was so loud Tomoyo jumped and Sunohara gasped again, but Tomoya did not attack him another time. He just knelt protectively by the empty futon- open hands shaking and shoulders trembling so hard he looked as if he might fall apart. He stayed by his non-existent wife.
Everyone else in the room remained frozen, and Tomoyo's heart hovered somewhere around her throat.
Okazaki knelt, panting and defensive like a wild tiger, his back turned to them but by the look on Sunohara's face, his expression wasn't something they wanted to see. His hand stayed clutched tightly over the empty futon, a tremulous fist that clutched down over thin air in a stance so protective it left her rooted to the spot.
Sunohara, this time, stayed down.
"O... Okazaki..."
The silence was stifling and oppressive, only broken by torn gasps and Tomoya's heavy breathing, and when it had almost just grown too much to bear, Ryou broke away from their group and hurried to Sunohara's side. She said nothing, turned entirely away from Tomoya as she helped the former blond up, looking at the arm Tomoya had near ripped out of the socket. But she was trembling noticeably, her back shaking and her hands twitching so hard she could barely keep a grip on Sunohara's arm.
Tomoya made no attempt to even move.
It was Kotomi who risked provoking him next.
"Tomoya-kun, there is nobody else here."
That broke the spell.
Everything erupted in action; just that soft-spoken statement of fact ripped Tomoyo around and had him lashing out at her with a violent swipe of his fist, face contorted in the same rage that had brought him against Sunohara. "She's here! Nagisa's here! NAGISA'S HERE!"
It was instinct alone that yanked Tomoyo forward to intercede, pulling Kotomi back and grabbing him by the arm. "Hey, stop it! What do you think you're doing?! Tomoya!"
"NAGISA'S HERE!"
Tomoya screamed it again, words ripped from his throat in an earsplitting screech, and he stared at her desperately, the anger visibly spiraling away but what took its place was nothing but sheer, frantic desperation. It was animal like in its depths, a savagery so deep it left him nearly unrecognizable.
He reached for her, and Tomoyo just reacted again, flinching back from the violently quick movement and replying with one of her own.
The sound of her slap echoed in the silent apartment.
Tomoyo flinched back, horrified with herself, but Tomoya didn't move an inch. He sat frozen, face still turned to the side, red handprint glaring on his unshaven cheek. But with the slap, it was as if she had taken away every bit of emotion that had tormented him before.
Now, he was as blank as an empty canvas.
It frightened her.
"T... Tomoya..."
Nothing. Nothing at all.
"T-Tomoya?"
Tomoya, please, stop this... you're scaring me...
"Tomoya?!"
Her hand touching his shoulder was what did it.
Slowly, like water dripping from a faucet to form a pool or pieces of a puzzle clicking together to become one whole, Tomoya shifted from broken robot to human. First he blinked, a flicker between empty and haunted, then his face started to twist and change and contort until she was faced with a shattered man; glass that had already broken and lay in a thousand infinitesimally small pieces that could never be repaired. Bit by bit, piece by shattered piece, Tomoya fell back to himself, one broken shard at a time.
Then his mouth opened, and he let out one single anguished scream before he collapsed.
"NAGISAAAAAAAA!"
Tomoya was left sitting above Tomoyo, a slumped and destroyed man with his head buried against the carpet. He shook so hard, she feared he might crack and fall apart.
No one dared move, not even when the hitching breaths turned into sobs.
"Nagisa... Nagisa... Nagisa..."
"Na... Na... Na..."
A single, wretched wail.
Her shaking hand found his shoulder, and he did it again, a long, anguished scream of sorrow drawn out like torture to crawl up her spine and echo in her ears until that was all there was. His back arched and he curled into himself, head hidden and buried, arms crushing nothing but air to himself, twisting in sheer agony.
Her heart ached until it was hard to breathe.
The next anguished whimper was only halfway out when she grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him up against herself, wrapping her arms around him as tightly as his were around himself. "Tomoya! T- Tomoya!"
If he reacted at all, it was to sob even harder.
"Tomoya..."
Then she was crying, too.
Tomoya...