Well, this was originally going to be a one-shot, but then this chapter kind of happened. It's pretty much in the same vein as Ch1.

Set on 14th June 2009, a couple of weeks before Ch1 and between Seasons 4 and 5. Enjoy!

"I'm better than Ted, right?"

He's putting his shirt back on to go to MacLaren's.

"I'm sorry?" she's lingering by the door already dressed, waiting for him.

"In bed. I'm way better than Ted, aren't I?" His lips curl into a smirk which is verging on sadistic.

"No. We are not doing this. I am not doing this,"

"Ha, you know I am. I've got more going on down there. And I've been with more girls, so I know what I'm doing better than he does,"

"First- being with more girls is nothing to be proud of. And second, we are not having this conversation,"

"Because you don't want to admit that it's true?"

"No, because he's my ex and your best friend, and this is just cruel,"

"I am cruel. Anyway, guys do this with each other, we compete. It's a guy thing,"

"Is it? Or is it an egomaniac thing?"

He grins, and she watches as he turns up his collar and carefully ties his tie around his neck.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a total girl?" she says, changing the subject.

"Judging by your screaming twenty minutes ago- no, I'm not,"

"Oh, shut up. I mean, like, clothes-wise. You take longer to get dressed to go to MacLaren's than Lily took to get ready on her wedding day,"

"Suits," he says, and she rolls her eyes because he's holding his finger up in a now listen here way and using the tone he reserves for lectures, elaborate stories and reciting the Bro Code, "require time. You can't roll out of bed and put on a suit," he says disdainfully, "You can't just wear a suit. You wear a suit perfectly. S'why Marshall always looks crappy in his suit at work- he wears his suit but he doesn't feel it, or own it. Suits aren't only clothes, Robin. They're a way of life,"

He looks upwards nobly, and if it was a movie the American flag would unroll behind him and the national anthem would be playing in the background, similar to the ending of his video resume.

"Who are you, the suit Gandhi?" she mocks, but he cocks his head, considering it and she says hastily, "Okay that was rhetorical. Can we go now? I don't want to be late,"

They have to be careful, arriving separately, with convincing cover stories.

He folds his collar down over his tie, "Fine,"

They're in the elevator and he's leaning against the wall.

"So, back me and Ted," he says as if this is the crux of their conversation, "You know what we're gonna do one time?"

She ignores him.

"One time- and I swear this will be the most legendary sex, like, ever- you and me will do it his bed,"

"No,"

"Ye-ea-ah. Think about it- you screaming my name in your exes' bed. God, its turning me on already," he croaks, reaching for her. She moves away stiffly.

"That's disgusting. You'll be the one screaming when I cut your balls off in a minute,"

The elevator doors open and they walk out into the lobby.

"Oh, I don't think you'll ever do that," he says huskily. He tries to touch her again, but she elbows him hard in the chest.

"Drop it. I'd love to say I can't believe you said that about doing it in Ted's bed, but honestly I've known you long enough to not be surprised at all. Girls don't go round comparing every guy they've been with, you know. I don't have some kind of orgasms leader board,"

"A saucy minx like you? Pfft, of course you do,"

"Keep telling yourself that, then," she retorts, "Maybe I'll suggest to you that you wouldn't be saying this if you were really Ted's best friend. Maybe I'll remind you of the most famous scene in When Harry Met Sally. Maybe I'll call Rhonda so she can give you the yips. Maybe I'll just punch your face in and have it done with,"

"Hey, you know I'm not entirely averse to a bit of S&M once in a while, but the rule's anywhere but the face, remember?"

"You never stop talking, do you?" she says, as they walk out onto the street, waiting by the door for a cab to pass by.

He quirks an eyebrow, raises a hand to his lips and moves it across, zipping them. She shoves her hands in her pockets as rain begins to spit. A couple of buses pass, but still no empty cab, and Barney abruptly bursts out, "HA! Of course I don't stop talking. Like I'll ever let you have the last word,"

"How old are you? Six?"

"Eight, actually. And I think you just proved that you can't let me have the last word either, so I'm not the only elementary school kid out of us. Anyway, what I was saying earlier- Li'l Barney's- what?- four, five inches bigger than Tiny Ted, so I'm winning on that already…"

"Barney."

"Say what?"

"Shut. Up."

He just laughs.

Fin.

Thanks a lot for reading, please review! (if anyone is feeling really lovely, I'd be so grateful if you reviewed the soon-to-be-updated Father's Days as well.) Have a great day :)