Chapter 12 - The Return
Back in the Mystery Shack, Mabel cuts, glues, and glitters to her heart's content. Grenda is, naturally, making a mess, but it seems she's actively trying not to. Candy seems to be aggressively cutting away at construction paper, making little progress, but getting some disturbed satisfaction from the destruction. "I will gut my enemies like fish!" she says, but quickly kills the creepy moment with a cute laugh, followed by Mabel and Grenda joining in. Soon Soos and Wendy walk in.
"'Sup, Hambone?" Soos asks, "Whatcha guys up to?"
"We're making decorations for the party!" She tosses confetti in the air as she says these last words.
"A party?" Wendy suddenly appears interested, "Cool. For what?"
Mabel pauses for buildup, then screams in excitement, "Dipper has a girlfriend!"
The duo seems shocked, unsure as to whether it's a joke or not. Wendy makes the guess that it is, and struggles to laugh, feeling it's a bit cruel for Mabel to tease her brother like that, but not wanting to hurt the girl's feelings.
"Uh..." she hesitates, "Good one...?"
"What?" Mabel asks, "Good what? I'm not joking."
Wendy takes a sigh of relief , "Oh, thank goodness. I felt like that was just some mean joke or something. That would not be cool, man. So anyway, he really did? Good for him, man!"
"Yeah, dude, that's awesome!" Soos replies. "Who's the lucky lady?"
Mabel mumbles her answer inaudibly, followed by a "What?" from the two of them.
"Pacifica Northwest!" she exclaims with a wide smile. Soos looks uneasy at the thought, and Wendy is skeptical.
"No, man," Wendy interjects with a laugh, "We're serious, dude, who is it?"
"I... I'm not kidding... He and Pacifica are a thing now! I'll prove it!"
"No way," she shoots back, "I'd believe it if it was say, your friend with the glasses over there..."
She gestures to Candy, who has become distracted with a book and mumbles something in Korean. She notices everyone's looking at her and says, in her best Dipper impression, "Look guys, I'm Dipper! Let me consult the journal to find a way to be less awkward and sweaty..."
Mabel looks down with a bit of a frown and looks at the list of "rebound crushes" she made for Dipper, the first name on the list reading "Candy Chiu", with couple pet names picked out for them: "Smile Dip" and "the Candy stick that goes with it". She quietly groans and crosses out the first name on the list, writing "DISCONTINUED" in big red letters over it.
Wendy laughs for a bit, "You see, Mabel? Candy's got it goin'. That's a Dipper joke we'd say to his face, no sweat."
Soos notices the wordplay. "Heh, 'no sweat'. Dude, you should be like, a comedian or something."
Mabel looks back up at Soos and Wendy. "You guys really don't believe me?"
"No offense to him, Mabel," Soos begins, "He's a cool dude- but he's not exactly... you know... Boyfriend material... especially not for, y'know... someone like Pacifica..."
Mabel shoots back, fighting for the other Mystery Twin, "Oh, what? And you are?"
"Whoa, uh, don't make this about me, dude. I didn't say anythin-"
"Well I wouldn't say you're exactly 'boyfriend material' either, Soos, but look at you! You up 'n got yourself a girlfriend anyways!"
"Well..." he takes his hat off for a moment, "Not without a little a' your help, hambone!" He reaches down and messes up her hair jokingly.
"No," Mabel argued, remembering her and her brother's fight from earlier, "You didn't need any help. You found a girl who likes you. And... And so did Dipper!"
Wendy interjects, "Well that's great for him, man, but, Dipper hooking up with that bleach-blonde millionaire celebrity? Really? I can't bring myself to believe that."
"I can't 'bring myself to' believe you two!" Mabel fires some shots, "Why can't two people from opposite ends of the spectrum fall in love? It's... a joining together of the classes! Whatever happened to 'opposites attract'?"
Soos retaliates, "Look, dude, it's not 'cuz she's rich. It's because, well, she's a jerk! You've seen her! Why do you suddenly not hate her?"
"We reconciled over mini-golf and a taco, but that's not important. Rivalries are for children and... little... golf ball people." Wendy and Soos look at each other in confusion. "The point is, she's changed. I've been watching those two all morning, and let me say, Pacifica is not just a stereotype. She hates the life her parents push on her. The pressures of living the high-class life all the time broke her, and the only way to cure her was with someone who, though awkward, is a great guy, full of compassion and reason. She needed someone to show her she was a jerk, guys. And she found him."
"No offense, Mabel," Wendy began, "But that sounds like the synopsis of a bad fanfiction."
Mabel begins to yell, "It's not a bad fanfiction! Its a good... non-fiction! Pacifica has changed! If you don't believe me, you'll just have to see for yourself. But she's cool now, I can tell you that. Right girls?" There is an enthusiastic response, obnoxiously loud thanks to Grenda, from her two best friends.
Suddenly Stan walks in. "What's all the commotion in here?" He asks, taking a sip of coffee.
Mabel is quick to answer. "Dipper's got a girlfriend!"
Stan looks as if he's going to spit out his coffee, but instead swallows forcefully. "Dang, that's hot. So, was that a joke, or...?"
"What?" Mabel is tired of everyone doubting Dipper's ability. "Why?"
"Because I need to know whether to use my 'good one' comedy laugh, or my 'yeah, right' doubtful laugh. They're two distinct laughs, Mabel".
Mabel replies, speaking to all in the room, "Look, I know Dipper doesn't look like the most datable guy in the room, but really, who of us is? He's just as weird as the rest of us! We all have our perks, and we all have our quirks, and Dipper... Well, he's found someone who loves both."
Stan replies nonchalantly, "Get off your soapbox for a moment, sweetie, you're standing in my way." He steps past her and relaxes into his recliner. "Okay, proceed."
"That was all."
"Okay, then." He proceeds to open the latest issue of Gold Chains for Old Men.
Mabel says these last words hopefully, "In fact, I bet he's on his way over here with her right now!"
Meanwhile, in response to Bill's re-reappearance, Pacifica exclaims, "You! I've had enough of you today! I mean really? This is like, your third time today, man! Can't you just... Stay away... for- for ten minutes?!"
"Okay, okay, sorry," Bill follows up, "I'm just a bit overexcited for the events unfolding. Forgive me if I keep popping up."
"What do you even want, man?" Dipper asks, "couldn't you have picked a better time?"
"Whoa whoa, déjà vu, man. I told you earlier, dude. Anyway, I was just coming by to warn you guys, again, about your impending doom! Just thinking about it is giving me chills! Just know that next time you'll be better prepared for your next visit with the Master of the Mind... Yeah, that seems vague and eerie enough while still conveying my message."
Dipper pleads, "Dang it, Bill! You always give meaningless vague prophecies and never any real answers! It's getting annoying, man!"
"Well, I can't have you two knowing too much, now, can I?"
Pacifica snaps, "Can't you just leave?!"
"Wow. Feisty for a girl who doesn't understand her own emotions."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You see, I was gonna wait to tell you, but I guess there really is no better time than the present! Your love for each other is an illusion. Okay? You get me so far? It's an illusion created by the combination of how much you hate your life and how much Pine Tree here got to learn about you in such a short time. Altogether there's no real love, just a couple of confused tweens trying to understand themselves."
"I..." Pacifica doesn't believe what she hears, "No. Our love is real." She directs her attention to the awkward preteen she's clinging to, "Right, Dipper?"
Dipper replies, confused, "I... I dunno. I mean, I'd like to, but... I just don't remember anything from earlier. Trust me, I am not opposed to a relationship with your, Pacifica. Far from it. I just... Don't see why you're so set on loving me..."
"Wait..." Pacifica resumes crying, "Don't you love me, Dipper?"
Sweating and nervously scratching, Dipper tries to reply, "Well, uh, er... sure...uh... Oh man. You're really puttin' me n the spot here... I... Uh... Yeah. Yes. Yes I do, Pacifica. And I will stand by your side no matter what that three-sided jerk says!"
Bill responds sarcastically, "Aww, you two really do care. It's a shame you'll never work. You can't work. Trust me, I know such things." He taps on his head with a finger, "Master of the Mind..." He turns to Dipper.
"You don't tend to get attached to things, Pine Tree," he begins, mockingly, "You get obsessed with them! Wendy, the laptop, the author... Face it kid! You can't not like something without devoting your entire life's purpose to it!"
"Well..." Dipper begins, trying to find the right words, "Isn't that... A good thing... Relationship-wise...?"
Bill laughs. "Look, kid. I've been watching people's 'relationships' for a while, and I have not seen one that's lasted in the way they'd hoped. Okay? No matter what, you're devoting yourself to a lost cause, Pine Tree. Nothing you two say or do will convince me otherwise.
Pacifica, in a final moment of resistance, grabs hold of Dipper, looks Bill in the eye, and asks, though it's more of a statement, "How's this?", and passionately kisses her new boyfriend like she was unable to do earlier. Dipper flails for a second, shocked by this, when suddenly, in his mind, the memory of earlier, in the diner, on the ledge, everywhere, comes back in an instant, and within a moment his mind and body come to a consensus and he gives in, willingly elongating the kiss.
"No!" Bill screams, "NO!" He directs his attention to the two, and shouts "Stop!", which pauses their motion and allows him to manually move the two further away from each other so he can continue his spiel. "Okay, kid, you caught me. I subliminally influenced you to erase your memory of today. I couldn't stop you two from doing anything, so I did everything in my power to put an end to it. It's... Your insistence to pursue each other is... detrimental to my a Master Plan." He pauses for a moment and makes a realization. "Then again..." He materializes a clipboard and a pen, and begins rewriting a few things. "Yes, here... Add the 1. Tweak a few things..." Pacifica and Dipper glance at each other, confused. "There we go. Viola! All fixed. Turns out I just had to readjust a few things. I was worried for nothing! Ha ha! So the Llama has stepped down from her position in her family and joined the ranks of Pine Tree, Question Mark, Shooting Star, etc. I'll just group you in with them, but be warned, Northwest: You may no longer be part of it, but you will be forced to watch you family suffer." He looks at his wrist for a moment as though looking at a watch, and continues. "Wow, it looks like time's running out, kids! Is love to stay and chat some more, but I really must go. You won't won't see me again for...eh... at least a couple hours. But the real fun doesn't come for another-" he looks again at his wrist, "SIX?! Sorry, I'm a bit behind schedule. See ya later, and as always, I'll be watchi- Yeah never mind, you get it." He fades away.