Chapter 2

Caroline followed Kate up the stairs, grateful to have been able to tell her at least part of what had happened. She had spent such a long time not telling people about the things in her life that were difficult, not sharing her unhappiness with anyone, that she had forgotten what it felt like to unburden herself like this. She subconsciously squeezed Kate's hand, prompting Kate to turn around and smile seductively. Kate's smile sent Caroline spinning at the best of times but given Caroline's heightened emotional state, it made her gasp out loud. Caroline's unexpectedly sharp intake of breath prompted Kate to stop and look with concern at Caroline. Caroline smiled quickly, in reassurance, and the two women exchanged a look communicating simultaneous need and fulfilment. Breaking away, Kate led Caroline on.

As they rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, Caroline pulled her hand away from Kate's.

"I should just check on the boys."

"Ok." Kate smiled and nodded. Caroline watched Kate disappear into the bedroom and push the door closed behind her. She had spent many glorious moments watching Kate over the last few months, mostly at school, while she was teaching, playing the piano, walking to her car, but more recently, while she was cooking or reading or marking, but she still found that something happened to her when she looked at Kate. Something physical. The cliché would be, she supposed, that her heart missed a beat or that her legs went wobbly, but in truth it was something deeper than that, something somehow integral to her existence and more difficult to explain. Everything seemed to stop inside her, almost as if she were unable to continue doing whatever it was she had been doing before. Kate's presence changed her, Kate's love changed her and Kate made her the best version of herself she had ever been.

Caroline blinked vigorously as she remembered the reason that Kate was in the bedroom and she was outside. She knocked very lightly on William's door and opened it. William, predictably, was reading, happily immersed in something of Kate's he'd chosen. He glanced over at her.

"We're going to bed. Ok?"

"Night , Mum."

"Night, love."

Caroline smiled, relieved to see that William's earlier hurt and anger had abated, even if it might only be temporary. She closed the door softly and moved on to Kate's study, pushing the second door open gently. The light was still on but Lawrence was asleep. She turned the light off and closed the door again. As Caroline turned towards Kate's bedroom, she was filled with a sense of what her life might be like, with Kate and the boys, as a family. Every night would be like this; the boys in bed, allowing some time for her, alone with Kate, before coming to bed together, to the same bed, night after night. Caroline pushed that thought out of her head; it was too soon to be planning for the future. God only knew the many ways she might find to mess everything up before she and Kate even got near to living together. She turned off the landing light and padded towards the bedroom.

As Caroline knocked softly on Kate's bedroom door and pushed it open, she found the room empty. She looked behind her but the rest of the house was now in darkness. Caroline saw that the door to the en suite bathroom was open and understood where Kate must be. She stepped into the room and closed the door quietly behind her. She looked around the room, at Kate's bed and remembered the last time she had been here, the day after her mum and Alan had disappeared. Caroline hadn't known it possible to feel such joy, such rapture, as she did that afternoon. She realised that she was grinning with the memory and that Kate had appeared and was watching her, seemingly entertained.

"I don't need to ask what you're thinking about." Kate teased. Caroline smiled sheepishly and stepped closer to Kate. Kate moved toward her and slipped her arms around Caroline's waist. Caroline responded, looping her arms around Kate's neck. Their eyes met and they rested their foreheads together gently. Caroline exhaled and allowed her body to relax, not having realised quite how tense she was. Kate pushed Caroline's face slightly with her nose and kissed her gently and exploratively, lips parted. Caroline responded, emitting a low moan of pleasure. As Caroline's hands found their way down Kate's back, she drew slightly away from Kate to take in her almost illusory nightwear. Caroline's eyes revealed her delight.

"I've been waiting for an opportunity to wear it." Kate was almost bashful. "I thought it might cheer you up."

"Well, you thought right didn't you!" Caroline was grinning again. "Although... I feel a little over dressed now."

"I think I might be able to help with that." Kate's grin mirrored Caroline's as she moved to take off Caroline's scarf. Kate lifted the scarf over Caroline's head, planting a series of soft kisses on her neck as she did so. Caroline tensed a little.

"Kate... I don't know if...I mean, this isn't..." She paused. "I need..." Caroline was overwhelmed with desire for Kate but her evening stood somehow in the way of her acting on it. She wanted to tell Kate why she had come back from Halifax instead of staying overnight like she had planned and why Gillian's confession had bothered her so much. And she needed to get the words right. She didn't want Kate to think it was because she was upset that John was sleeping with someone else. She wasn't going to let John ruin anything else.

"I'm sorry. Go. It's ok."

Caroline kicked off her shoes and stole a swift kiss from Kate's lips as she headed for the bathroom and shut the door. While she was waiting, Kate turned the main light off, leaving the matching bedside lamps casting a soft glow across the room. She checked the door was properly shut and then got into bed, reaching for her book. After a few moments, Caroline's head popped out of the bathroom door.

"You wouldn't have a spare toothbrush Kate, would you?"

"I think there's one in the drawer. Help yourself." Kate called back, thinking that it might be an idea for Caroline to have a toothbrush here all the time. Kate thought for a moment, before getting out of bed, opening a drawer and pulling out a shirt. She walked around the bed to the bathroom door, tapped gently and passed the shirt in to Caroline.

"Do you want this? To sleep in?"

"Thank you." Caroline's response was sincere. Kate was always so kind. Always so quick to understand what Caroline didn't, often couldn't, say, Kate offered care and genuine affection, love even, willingly and without expectation it seemed.

Once Caroline was finished in the bathroom, she turned the light off and shut the door behind her. She stopped as she saw Kate, sat up in bed, reading, bathed in the soft light emanating from behind her. For the seven hundredth time that night, Caroline wondered how on earth she had managed to be this lucky. Kate looked up and saw the expression of wonder of Caroline's face. She put down her book, reached across and lifted up the duvet on the empty side of the bed, patting the space underneath. Caroline smiled and moved slowly towards the space offered. She sat on the edge of the bed, took a deep breath and then slipped under the duvet, pulling it up over her. She turned to face Kate, her chin resting on her hand, one elbow on the pillow.

Kate sank down in the bed, turned onto her right side and moved to mirror Caroline's position. She extended her left hand, running her fingers through Caroline's hair affectionately, twisting it lightly around her fingers. She left her hand there for a few seconds before bringing it down to cover Caroline's right hand, resting outside the duvet in front of her.

"Are you going to tell me what else happened tonight?" Kate's voice and expression were tender and calm. She knew that she needed to coax Caroline into divulging the rest of the story but she also knew that she needed to be gentle if she was going to prevent her from withdrawing.

Caroline looked down at their hands for a moment, away from Kate's gaze. Kate squeezed her hand softly, increasing the pressure of her grip, and just waited. There was no one else in Caroline's life who was this patient with her, who waited for a response instead of jumping in. The rest of her life was so frenzied, people talking at once, no time to think about her choice of words. So much noise, so much pressure, so much chaos.

"Gillian slept with John." Caroline continued to look at Kate's hand gripping hers, waiting for a response.

"Ok." Kate's voice was steady. No judgement.

"I knew he was shallow. I knew he wasn't to be trusted...but he slept with bloody, sodding Gillian." Caroline's voice was very quiet. Kate slowly ran her hand up Caroline's arm, open palmed, in reassurance.

"How do you know?"

"She told me..Gillian. At the hospital, earlier. She said she didn't want me to find out from someone else. She said they were pissed and that she couldn't really remember it but..." Caroline's voice tailed off. There was a pause before Kate prompted.

"But?"

"I don't know... I... the way she told me, I mean she was obviously worried about how I was going to react, but it was just all so casual, so...empty. They were pissed and that's what they did. Is that..." she looked at Kate, confused. "Is that what people do? Get drunk and go to bed with someone they hardly know and don't care about, no matter the implications?"

"Well, I think some people do, yes." Kate's hand was still on Caroline's arm, caressing it while she talked. "But not everyone, Caroline."

"I wasn't upset at first...I mean, I was...it wasn't nice to hear...but who John sleeps with doesn't concern me anymore. It's just..." She paused and frowned. "It's bothered me. That it was Gillian, I mean. I just...I don't understand how she could just ...do that. Not after everything he said that night. To my mother."

"What night?"

"The night he was over there, in Halifax, telling my mother about me...about us."

"Oh, Caroline." Kate's features tightened in concern.

"He caused so much trouble...my mother was so upset, then you...and he did that. It just...it's shocking, even for him." She took in a deep, long breath and looked at Kate as she exhaled.

"But...the damage he did that night has been repaired, hasn't it? Your mum's ok, she'll get used to this...she's made progress already. And I'm here... Caroline?... so...?" Kate took Caroline's hand in hers and held it tightly, reminding Caroline that she was there, trying to reassure her that she wasn't going anywhere.

"I don't know...it's just...unsettled me, I suppose. I want him gone... out of my life, out of our lives, all of us...me, the boys as much as possible, you. But...he just seems to keep making things more and more complicated...And I just thought more of Gillian." Caroline could feel the pressure of unspent tears building up now. She sat up in the bed and brought her knees up to her chest.

"But..she doesn't want...you know...a relationship with him..does she? So, it's not as if he's going to keep turning up there. Or do...do you think..?" Kate could feel Caroline withdrawing, the distance she'd put between them in the bed, reflecting her struggle with herself.

"No, no...she was very clear that it was just because they were drunk. I think she felt sorry for him." Caroline spoke without looking at Kate, directing her voice into her knees.

"It's ok, Caroline." Kate sat up, reached out and touched Caroline's shoulder. "It's ok to be upset about this. It's going to upset you, of course it is, after everything he's done. But it's ok. Caroline?"

"I thought you might think I was upset because I was jealous...or because I want..." Kate interrupted before Caroline could go on any further with this thought.

"Oh, Caroline. I don't think that. How could I think that when I see the way you look at me? Caroline, I think you're forgetting that I've been here, with you, this whole time. I've seen how he's hurt you, I've listened to you talk about him. I'm under no illusion, Caroline about his necessary presence in our lives, but I know you're not jealous. Now, come here." Kate lay back down in the bed, on her back, partially propped up on the pillows, and extended her arm towards Caroline. Caroline turned to look at Kate, her blue eyes, as usual, saying more than her words ever could. "Caroline." Kate's voice became more insistent. Caroline slipped down underneath the duvet and moved close to Kate, resting her head on Kate's chest. Kate wrapped her arms securely around Caroline and kissed her hair. Caroline closed her eyes, releasing the tears that had been building up while Kate had been talking. Kate felt Caroline's body relax in her arms and began to rub her back, soothing and calming her.

After a few minutes had passed, Caroline sighed and looked up at Kate.

"Hello." Kate smiled. Caroline returned the smile and reached up to kiss Kate's lips.

"Thank you."

"For?"

"Answering your phone earlier, letting me traipse my ridiculous life into your house late at night with no warning, being kind to me...for everything, Kate." Caroline yawned.

"This is how a real partnership works, Caroline. I'm here for you. You're here for me. We'll deal with John together." Kate tightened her arms around Caroline and planted a firm but tender kiss on her lips. "Now, look how late it is. I think it's time you got some sleep. I think it's time we both got some sleep." Kate released Caroline while she reached over to turn off the lamp. Caroline did the same on her side of the bed before they returned to each other again, Kate's arms firmly around Caroline. Caroline pressed her face against Kate's neck, finding it difficult to remember ever being so comfortable and so unexpectedly happy.