Sorrow and injustice
I am not sure how I convinced Jasper to let me take a walk on my own. He has taken to the roll as my father very seriously. Maybe it was the naked sorrow in me. All I knew in that moment as I begged him to walk home, was my desire to be alone. I wanted to think without Edward being there to correct faulty reasoning, he seems adamant in making sure I understand that I have a home and family now. I wanted to feel my emotions without Jasper being there to soften the blows. I have come to the surprising realization that Jasper likes me, he might even love me! I love him, I have ever since the first vision mom had of him. After discovering the memories hidden in my mother's dark room the bond between us strengthened. I had feared that unlocking all that lay hidden would change everything, that it would break the strange bond between us. But the memories of her father and stepmother, her younger sister and the difficulty of living with her gift brought us together. The memories of her difficult pregnancy showed us the strength of our bond before all the bad things happened. There was love between her and my father, but neither one of us are sure about it, we could not tell if father had toyed with her mind like I did. I am not angry about this uncertainty, not at my father nor my mother who loves Jasper more than she did my father. Am I however livid about Alana. She wanted me at any cost. She got hold of James to kill my father she never believed my mother would survive my birth. Only later did they discovered that Alice was James's El cantante.
I force my mind in another direction. Thinking of what Alana did to get me, makes the panic about my stalker surface again. I haven't seen him for some time. It feels like a lifetime ago but in truth only a few days have passed since the Cullen's adopted me. Since this decision, they have been debating about what to do. Should they let the Volturi know of my existence, in case they are the ones following me? Will this strain the uneasy peace they have? If it is not the Volturi stalking me, who is it? Mom can't be sure, seeing as my stalker are hidden in her blind spots. As far as she can tell the Volturi have no knowledge of me. I really wonder how I convinced Jasper to let me take a walk on my own. I scan my surroundings, not putting it past him to follow me. No I am alone. I smile softly, he took me in quite easily. Adopting me as his own, without anger or resentment.
After we unlocked the barrier in mom's mind and she remembered everything, she was off balance for a day. Simply staring ahead, thinking. Bella told me she had never seen Jasper so unglued or Alice so quiet. He stood next to her for hours, not moving, not blinking. When she started to cry he comforted her. He sent me to bed, complaining that my worry was giving him a sort of emotional headache. The next day mom was herself again. Smiling, laughing just enjoying life. She took me shopping that morning. Jasper followed silently, smiling when she made fun but obviously deep in thought. He told me to stop worrying about him. Half way thru the spree he claimed boredom and wondered off. I saw her have a vision for the first time as she made me try on a gazillion shoes. She did not tell me what she saw but seemed about to explode with excitement.
We met Jasper at a small cafe where I ate a carrot cake since my mom insisted I should at least taste it once.
'It was my favorite as a human.' She told us happily. 'My mother made the best in the world.'
Her vision must have been of Jasper who bought both of us charm bracelets, which he called memory bracelets. As we sat down she immediately asked for her gift. She smiled at him with great love when he explained all her charms.
I trace the delicate bracelet around my wrist and take hold of the two charms Jasper got me. A letter L for Lucy. And a darling little house to represent my new family and home. A few tears fall as I stare at the little charms in wonder. I have to make so much changes to the way I view live. Everything I have ever known and thought is no longer valid, strangely this saddens me. The comfort zone I have built for myself thru the years is no longer a hiding place. But the thing that has got me so unglued is Lucy. I still refuse to believe that we attended her funeral this morning. Instead of the funeral I expected; me and the coffin holding the friend so dear to me. My new family where all there to comfort me. I run my fingers over the small black dress my mother bought me the morning of our shopping spree. I absolutely love it. My laugh is out of place in all my sorrow but thinking of my mother's excitement to do my hair this morning makes me happy. This is the thing I struggle with the most. There is happiness in great sorrow, there can be comfort in loss.
I met Lucy outside a dinner a few months ago. She was weak from hunger and I invited her to join me. I had seen her as I drove past and simply decided to help her, pretending to be human. I didn't enjoy the burger half as much as she did. I can still recall the pang of compassion as she wolfed it down, her eyes fliting from left to right like some starved animal scared someone will take her food. Her story was sad. She had woken up in a hospital, with only a few memories. She knew her name, where she was born, her age, but there were what she called 'my blind spots' strangely she didn't want to see what hid in them. I liked her from the get go, wanting a friend. With time she mustered her courage and started to wonder what lurked in the shadows of her soul. I pretended to hypnotize her and we wondered into the dark corners of her mind. The memories we found made us cry thru the night. She was molested by her stepfather as small girl. His death was a relief. She fled from home with a boyfriend when the stepbrother started to show the same interest. Her boyfriend abused her but she had nowhere else to go. The night she was in a car accident, she had found him cheating on her with another girl. She sped off in his car and was nearly killed in a head on collusion. So much sorrow and injustice cramped into a far too short live. Much like my mother. It was the father of Mary-Alice Brandon who had her locked up in an asylum. Her visions frightened him and his new wife since it exposed their devious intentions. Her father and stepmother planned to kill her as they did her mother. I frown and lightly shake my head. I only saw the sorrow and injustice, my mother her sister and what she calls the good fortune of having me. She is very optimistic. Jasper was very upset when she had to relive her transformation for a brief moment before I could project my entire key memory. I wince too, having heard her screams on both occasions.
I sigh heavily and sit down in the dirt and mulch under a huge spruce. I can hear that the rain has started up again and is softly pelting the leaves high above me. There is so much to figure out. So many lies hiding within my soul that I need to identify and get rid of. I am glad I decided to walk home from the funeral. I had stuck to a human pace and it is almost twilight, but there is still much to face. Many fears to destroy.
I allow all my barriers to slip so I can step back and evaluate everything in my soul as though for the first time.
I see myself and Lucy as we get out of the rental car outside the motel. We are laughing.
My head snap up. That was not my soul, not my memory. I am in it, yes, but I see myself thru the eyes of my stalker now. He is close enough that I can get a decent read on him for the first time.
I am saying something to Lucy he cannot hear, then I blink rapidly and look in his direction. I feel the shift in his attitude. He wants me more than ever.
I jump up from my hiding place between the ferns and start running, blind panic taking hold of me. He found me. He found me. I am running as fast as I can, to a human I will appear a blur, the wake of my path an unexplained whoosh, but he is much, much faster. I can hear him gaining on me. I am still not convinced that Lucy was killed by a mere burglar, it seems too random. Vampires will do anything to get what they want and killing is always part of the bargain. They kill without thinking, without remorse.
El cantante = the singer