Ok, first off, I need to apologize for being so late. It's been a week and I'm only posting one now, and for that, I'm sorry. Regardless, here is chapter 5, based on Johnny Cage and suggested by KynthiaOlympia and pushed forward by NaruHinaLuvr. Kung Lao is next, swapping places with Cage. Hope you enjoy the chapter people~
Hollywood is the birthplace of many wonderful legends, from childhood stories to films capturing the mature audiences with gore and super-cool action. An annoyingly great kontributor to the latter is Johnny Cage, the man everyone loves to hate and also loves to punch. Despite the fact that kicking the crap out of him is just so damn tempting, you can't help but love Johnny. From 24 Karate Gold to Exiting the Dragon of Death, all the way to HWAAAAA! and The Gist of my Fist, (not in any particular order) Johnny Cage has flip kicked, shadow kicked and split punched his way into our hearts. One of my favourite kombatants, he was originally going to come right after Liu Kang and take the spot of Chapter 4, followed by Kano, Sonya and Raiden, rounding off the 7 notable kombatants of the Mortal Kombat tournament in which Liu Kang made Shang Tsung eat sh*t for the first time. But back to Cage. This killer of manhoods is quite the warrior, using fantastic green magic goop to seal the deal and claim victory on multiple occasions. Also, he's basically an alternate universe Jean-Claude Van Damme, which automatically makes him awesome. Oh, wait, you're reading this for hints on how to beat the living daylights out of him... oops.
Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Johnny Cage, movie star of Earthrealm.
Number 1:
Busting your balls? The infamous nut punch.
In movies, games, or any kind of media, you may see someone being interrogated, forcing them to spill the location of their boss and his huge shipment of unreleased Ninja Mime DVDs and Cage action figures. (Cage was quite the egotist when he wrote the script for Massive Strike.) Using some persuasion, usually involving swirlies or vicious threats, the interrogatee(?) would say something like "I ain't tellin' you nuthin' cop!" Or "Stahp busten' mah balls man!" in a dopey, typical goon kinda voice. Only thing is, if you fight Cage, you'll probably be saying the latter regardless of whether he's interrogating you. Because he WILL be busting your balls. While I do hope you weren't looking forward to having any children in the near future, I would recommend not fighting Cage if you are a guy. For all you girls, you're quite lucky Cage is often more disciplined than to use his split punch on you, and is more likely to just shadow kick you in the face. You win some, you lose some, I suppose.
Number 2:
Shadow-ryuken? Cage's shadow uppercut.
Cage isn't exactly Ken from Street Fighter, but he can uppercut just as hard. From shoryukens to shadow uppercuts, pointless jumping to go with your uppercuts always seems to make it more epic and make it gain more meter... whatever that means. The shadow uppercut is like an insult - the easiest thing to give and the hardest thing to take. An elbow strike as standard stings like a b*tch, but with the strength of the average kombatant being forced into your face upwards and moving your nose a few inches up your face would sting like... something that stings more than a b*tch does. Point being, when you're on the ground crying your little eyes out, don't even bother making excuses because everyone will know what happened when your nose is on the floor instead of on your face. Everybody will know... that you got Caged.
Number 3:
Rainbow strikes? Cage's Colourful Kombos.
While this is something that only caught my eye whilst I was writing this, it's still something worth mentioning. Kinda. Cage is a man of many colours, wearing blue striped pants, using green energy to kick you around like a sack of sh*t, red energy to show that he really does think you're worth about as much as a sack of sh*t and yellow energy for when he just doesn't feel like you're worth the time that could be spent filming more scenes for Who's That!? and would rather get his best bud to break your face. Not that all these colours matter, mind you. Cage might be colour coordinated with his attacks, but you won't be with all the red that will inevitably discolour your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle. (That was a reference, everybody.)
Number 4:
Eating your greens? Green forceballs.
Depending on your age, "eating your greens" can mean different things. People older than 12 will understand that eating your greens actually refers to vegetables, as opposed to referring to bogeys, as smaller children would have you believe. But whatever you call "eating your greens", the meaning is changed if you fight Johnny Cage. Throughout the match, you may hear noises like MNNEEEOUUUW or FWWIIAAAOOO (You try typing up weird noises, it's kinda hard...) as a great big green ball of energy zooms through the air to smack you right in the kisser. Pow, right in the kisser. Pow, right in the kisser. Pow, right in the kisser. (Another reference, ladies and gentlemen.) Imagine being hit with a huge ball of energy, but it's being thrown by Johnny Cage and soaring through the air to break your nose. Oh wait, that's exactly what'll happen. And it'll hurt. A LOT.
Number 5:
FURIPPUKIKKU? Cage's flashy kicks.
And so, we round off Johnny Cage's signature abilities with the most extravagant of them all, a pair of kicking moves which really make it obvious just how much of a showoff Johnny Cage is. First off is the flip kick, the move that everyone wants to hit but no one wants to be hit by. Personally, I can't do a backflip, but I would love to be able to because it looks hella cool. But Cage doesn't stop at doing a backflip. Cage kicks you so hard in the jaw while he does it with enough force to send you flying into the air, probably bleeding profusely the whole time. Yes, it'll hurt, but now you get to say you were flip kicked by Johnny Cage! How sweet is that? Not very is the answer, since he does it to everyone. Hence why the paparazzi tend to avoid him now. Before I get taken off track again, let's move on to the next kick. The shadow kick. This iconic beauty kicks so much ass (and face, and chest, and gut, and any part of your body that it happens to hit.) and it's the kind of move that when you're done rolling around at the speed of sound (last reference, I promise) (there's been a lot of brackets in this chapter...) (How strange.) you yourself will be saying "I got Caged.". It'll hurt your pride, but hell, that won't be the only thing hurting. Cage will slide across the ground like he was hit by Sub-Zero's ice puddle, but he'll do it with the force of a bulldozer and the speed of a particular blue hedgehog, which is a deadly enough mix for you to definitely reconsider who you're picking a fight with. Case and point? Fight Cage, get rekt.
And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Johnny Cage. Thus ends this chapter of the "Earthrealm Warriors" section of the survival guide.
And now, I would like to tell you guys that instead of adding a list of my next chapters at the end of this one, I'll be keeping a list of suggestions and the order I'm doing them in on my profile. That way, I can update it more regularly and it just makes things easier. I would also like to thank you all for supporting me so far and sticking with this kinda-useless-but-hopefully-enjoyable guide. Anyways, until next time, have a good one.