So, here we are. The real chapter 6, which for convenience, we're gonna call chapter 7. Actually, no. It's chapter 7, and that's final. Anyways, here's a chapter based on Kung Lao, suggested by a guest... I would love to give credit, buuuut... guests are nameless... anyways, Sir/Madam, you know who you are, and thank you. But anyway, enjoy the chapter!

The shaolin temple is a confusing place. I mentioned this back in the Liu Kang chapter, but there was one point I missed. They're all "we love peace and killing is bad or whatever", but they seem to forget that they have a freaking armory full of sharp nasty slicey things that are, without a doubt, deadly. Killing is bad, my ass. And to top it off, then they let Kung Lao waltz in with a bladed hat and they're cool with it, even though that thing has killed dogs. DOGS. That's right, Kung Lao is a dog killer. Do you hate him yet? Well don't, he's kind of a cool guy sometimes, even though I could actually make a list of times he's not cool. Y'know what? That's what I'll do. A) He never gets dizzy or loses his sense of direction, so it's impossible to win a game of pin the tail on the donkey with him. B) Piñatas don't stand a chance, because while you're flailing with your stick, he'll just slice the poor thing open and steal your candy. C) He has a super-cool hat which will inevitably make you jealous and that sucks. D) Did you ever play that game Divekick? Yeah, don't even try. You'll lose. E) My list of reasons he isn't cool is going to take up way too much space on this pre-hints section, and that itself is a reason why he isn't cool. I could say so much more, but I really need to start with the hints before I get carried away AGAIN.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Kung Lao, shaolin warrior of Earthrealm.

Number 1:

Isn't it obvious? The hat throw.

Did you ever see Oddjob in one of those James Bond movies by Johnny Cage like Goldthumb and The man with the golden shower where Cage plays a spy who switches from woman to woman every movie and doesn't seem to feel anything for any of them? (Yes, that is the reality of the Bond movies.) Well, Kung Lao is like Oddjob in almost every category, like the fact that they are human, have two arms and legs, two eyes and ears, and a razor sharp hat. The only differences are that Oddjob looks totally different to Kung Lao, is considerably shorter, and not many people had rules against playing as Kung Lao in multiplayer like they did with Oddjob in GoldenEye 007. Anyways, back to the razor sharp hat, Kung Lao can throw his hat straight at you with varying effects, which can range from a severe headache to no longer having a head full stop. Needless to say, this is to be avoided, but there are some things that you can't avoid, like the passive effects Kung Lao gets for having the hat, such as having +10 Charisma and +200% Coolness rating, and the special ability "Awesomeness" which allows him to roll a dice and times the result by 69, and lower your Self-Esteem rating by that amount. It also gives his opponent a +15% chance of automatic Hara-Kiri due to the power of the hat overpowering his opponents will to live due to it being so freakin' awesome. Anyways, the hat is, and will always be the best thing about Kung Lao, and the sweetest looking weapon that I wish I had.

Number 2:

Airborne Assault? Kung Lao's aerial capabilities.

The ground is for WEAKLINGS. Yeah, I said it. Anyone who has ever walked on the ground, touched the ground with their hand, been grounded, liked a ground type pokémon, stood their ground or has ever used a ground pound are just massive WEAKLINGS. Of course, WEAKLINGS stands for "We're Entertained As Kung Lao Is Neutering Goons Swiftly". These people could also be referred to as members of the ANUSES: Association of Nutcases Unified by Sadism in Everyday Situations. Regardless of what you self identify as, Kung Lao will still deliver a smoking hot kick from the air to the ANUS without mercy. Mostly because he is a shaolin monk and therefore opposed to sadism or ANUSES. And yes, all of that was grammatically correct. Anyway, Kung Lao can divekick you to death using the ancient shaolin art of "F**k physics, I'm Kung Lao.". He utilizes this art in his other technique too, the whirlwind kick, wherein he does the same thing three times, levitating in the air in an impossible way which leads me to believe he is definitely maybe Jesus probably. This answers the age old question, What Would Jesus Do? The answer is, repeatedly kick the ANUS in the face. And without further ado, I would like to announce that sentence as the best one I've ever written in my life. Congratulations to me.

Number 3:

Turning around at the speed of sound? The Spin.

Bo' Rai Cho is the best at puking, right? And Kung Lao is the best at spinning... so how the hell does Bo' Rai Cho puke without spinning and Kung Lao spin without puking? Imagine them both being put together! Kung Rai Cho, the master of the spinning-at-dangerously-high-speeds-and-showering-everyone-in-vomit technique! Admittedly, that would be infinitely less cool that Kung Lao's standard spin, but it would gross his opponent out so he could throw his sick-covered hat drunkenly to one side and hit jack sh*t before performing half of the whirlwind kicks before passing out and sleeping for the rest of the match, farting the whole time. Actually, on second thought, that's a horrible idea, no wonder it hasn't happened yet, though someone should totally take that idea and do something with it, because that could be comedy gold. But back on track, Kung Lao's spin is pretty dangerous, and can do anything from smacking you up into the air to acting like a bladed tornado turning you into freshly minced kombatant meat, which would really suck considering that there are so many better ways to go. But then again, you're basically being killed by someone who could maybe definitely be Jesus probably.

Number 4:

Second best Houdini impression ever? Kung Lao's Teleport.

OK, so to get the gist of this, I absolutely must attempt to type up the noise the teleport makes, which goes something like VOOOWHHAAAH or FUU-WAH, FUU-WAH depending on whether he does his kinda useless second teleport or not. From the teleport, he can kick you with one foot, two feet or bounce you off the ground like a rubber ball. He can also grab you by the shoulders and throw you with a sweet flip, if he feels like putting that much effort into beating the crap out of you. Either way, him going from the front to the back can be disorientating, unless you're Jesus or Kung Lao, since both of them never get disorientated. Coincidence? I think not. It's also kinda strange that this chapter has gone from a list of why Kung Lao isn't cool to me basically calling him Jesus, but hey, that's how it goes. Sometimes.

Number 5:

Kung Lao's Kung-fu? The fighting style of the shaolin.

So we all know that the shaolin do martial arts and super fly kicks and palm strikes and blah blah blah, nothing special. But there's something Kung Lao has over other kombatants. The Rolling Fist. Sure, it's not that useful, and hell, it doesn't even do that much damage, but it's the Rolling Fist, man! A super-quick flurry of punches, followed by either a last lunging strike to send you flying or a quick swipe of the ever-awesome hat. Kung Lao can also do the most cheesy, impractical, typical martial arts movie attack ever. THE SLOW-MO MARTIAL ARTS PALM STRIKE. And yes, it was worthy of all that emphasis. You know how it goes - take a stance, slow charge up, shake the fist aaand... BAM! The enemy goes flying and everyone except them goes home with a smile. Especially Kung Lao. Kung Lao is boss, and Kung Lao can part the waves and cast miracles like turning water into wine. Now, I'm not saying he's Jesus or anything, but...

And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Kung Lao. Thus ends this chapter of the "Earthrealm Warriors" section of the survival guide.

Ok, hope you enjoyed the chapter! Blah blah blah, ending paragraph bit, blah blah, got nothing to say, blah blah blah, have a good one!