Chapter Twelve

The chapter in which i put all the painful feels into writing and try not to cry.

Monday:

Santana's phone buzzed for the hundredth time that morning against the dark wood of her bed stand. Her eyes flicked toward the noise, but she made no effort to look at who had texted her. Instead she pulled her comforter up a little higher around her neck and continued to stare blankly at her window.

"Come on Santana, open the door!" Roman called through her door helplessly.

"Santana, sweetie, please open the door."

Santana flinched at Brittany's soft voice vibrating through the walls. Tears began to well up in her eyes, but she was too exhausted to even let them fall. She sniveled and wiped them away, knowing they'd be back shortly.

"How long has she been in there?"

"Since Friday when we got home. I got up the next day to say sorry for what happened and her door was locked. I've heard her moving around, so I know she's in there, she just wont open the door. I don't want to force her to talk to me ether. I'm just really worried about her. Mom's threatening to call the fire department." Roman and Brittany whispered loudly outside her door. "I thought maybe you'd be able to get her to open up, since you're friends and all."

"I'll do my best, but I don't think she wants to talk to me ether. I've tried texting and calling her, but she wont pick up." Brittany sounded stressed and worried.

Santana hated the idea of people fussing over her, but soon they'd catch on that she just wanted to be left alone. She had kissed Brittany. She had kissed her brother's girlfriend. There was no way she wasn't going to hell now. How could she bare to face them all, especially Brittany, and why hadn't she told Roman the truth yet? Santana groaned and buried her face in her pillow. Her life was over. It was only a matter of time before her whole school knew her as the dyke cheerleader. Quinn would throw her off the team for sure and she'd be no better off then Kurt. No doubt her father would call to find out why his daughter was no longer a member of a nationally ranked cheer team and couch sue would describe to him in great detail her perversion.

"Santana, can you please open the door? I think we should really talk about the party." Brittany said softly into the wood door, but Santana didn't budge.

"Alright, well...I have to go to class San, but I'll be back after school and maybe we can talk then?"

No response.

Tuesday:

"Rome, this can't go on much longer. I'm really worried."

"I know, but what do you expect me to do? Break down her door? I hear her get up around one in the morning to get food and go the bathroom, so that's at least a good sign."

"I think I have an idea... Can you gimme a lift to class?"

Santana hand managed to go from laying down to sitting up in her bed. She had locked herself in her room for going on four days and they still didn't understand. It wasn't that she didn't want to go to school it was that she couldn't. She could barely stomach to look herself in the mirror, let along get dressed.

Santana drifted back asleep for a while until she was startled awake by banging so intense it shook the house. At first she though maybe her mom had called the fire department, but Santana quickly dismissed that idea. Maria Lopez didn't want anyone to know the kind of mother she really was.

"I've had enough of this non-sense Lopez. Open this door or I'm opening it for you!" Quinn's angry voice echoed around her room. Santana's blood boiled. Of all the people they could have called why in the hell did they have to pick Quinn.

"That's it, I'm coming in."

There was a rustling and clinking until the door to Santana's bedroom clicked open easily. 'When the hell did she learn to pick locks?' Santana thought bitterly as she put a pillow between her and Quinn.

"Get out." She muttered pathetically at the steamed teen.

"I'm not going anywhere. Your brother and Brittany have tried taking it easy on you, but clearly what you need is a bit of tough love right now. That's were I come in. It's time for you to stop dueling on whatever you and Puck fought about and get to school." Quinn stood in all five feet of furry with her hands firmly on her hips. By the look in her eye, Santana could tell she wasn't nearly as angry as she was pretending to be.

"You don't understand. I just want to be left alone." Santana countered meekly, rubbing her dry red puffy eyes.

"Oh I think I understand perfectly. You and Noah got drunk. Noah took things too far for your comfort level. Roman kicked his ass and embarrassed the shit out of you. Now your afraid to face your would-be boyfriend. All of that is fine, but wallowing in guilt is just plain stupid. Noah is an idiot and he's forgotten all about it by now." Quinn stepped over to where Santana lay miserably in bed.

"Look, I know we don't do the whole sensitive friend talks, but I've got your back on this one. Puck should have never tried to pressure you into doing something you weren't ready to do. He's the asshole in this and you shouldn't feel bad about it one bit. I even talked to him for you already."

"You did what?" Santana sat up running her fingers through her hair. How did her life suddenly become such a mess? She didn't give two shits about Puck or his never-ending sex drive, but everyone seemed to think that it was her main problem. Had Brittany really kept everything a secrete so far.

"I talked to Noah and explained that he's an idiot for thinking you're seeing someone on the side. Then I explained why first are such a big deal for girls who haven't done much before."

Santana's cheeks turned a little red. Sure she was inexperienced, but that didn't mean she wanted her personal feelings broadcasted everywhere.

"Quinn, you really didn't need to do that." Santana whined.

"Well you've been locked up in your room for the last four days making everyone worry about you. Someone had to say something. Now get up and get dressed. You're going to school." Quinn barked as she yanked off Santana's sheets.

"What? No. I'm not going to school!" Santana argued, but the stern look Quinn gave her said it all. The annoyed blond would drag her by her hair in pajamas to school, if that's what she really wanted. Santana rolled her eyes and slid out of bed rummaging through her things to find a comfortable outfit.

"I'm going to change in the bathroom." she mumbled under her breath.

"Don't you dare lock that door, Santana! You hear me? I picked your lock once and I will not hesitate to do it again." Quinn shouted down the hall after her.

A pair of ripped jeans, a hoodie, black converse, and about a gallon of body spray later Santana climbed into Quinn's car with her backpack on the floor between her legs.

"Your high pony is crooked." Quinn said to fill the awkward silence that fell between them as she drove. Santana promptly fixed it, but kept her forehead rested nicely against the passenger side window.

"Look, I know this all really sucks. I don't know what I'd being doing if I were in your shoes, but maybe you should talk to someone. If not me, Roman, Brittany, or Puck then why not a teacher or someone you feel comfortable with. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but we're all just really worried about you. As stupid as it sounds, we care." Quinn said quietly as they pulled into the school parking lot.

Santana looked round at Quinn and offered her a small smile in thanks, but didn't reply. She could already feel the tears beginning to well up again and another crying fit was the last thing she needed.

During the lunch period Santana went around and collected all the assignments she had missed, explaining her absents away by illness. In reality she just wanted to avoid anywhere that Brittany might be. As she walked through the halls she heard a loud chorus of laughter from the far end. Rachel and her friends were all having lunch in the choir room for a change. They sat in a circle on the floor singing songs and teasing one another.

Santana felt her heartache as she watched the fun they were having. All of them were losers that no one could stand, but they were more happy than the rest of the pathetic student body. They were certainly more happy than Santana. As she peeped through the window, Santana realized she envied them. They were free to be themselves every day of their life and know that without a doubt their friends and family would love them. It wasn't fair.

Santana swallowed back tears and rushed toward the empty girl's locker room, just as the next period bell rang. She found a seat in front of her locker and hung her head in her hands, letting the tears fall as they wanted. Her life was utterly a miserable mess and there was nothing she could do about it. Everything felt out of control, like being trapped in a dark tunnel and the only way to go was down. Santana cried so hard she couldn't breathe. Her head hurt and she longed to crawl under the covers and disappear.

By the time the bell rang for sixth period, she had cried herself out. Her eye lids drooped in a sleepy haze and nothing felt real anymore. Her mind wandered to the first time she had seen Brittany standing clad in only her underwear and a ducky bra. How had things gotten so far out of control.

"San?" came Brittany's soft voice, but Santana didn't budge. It could have just been her tired brain messing with her after all.

"Santana?" Brittany spoke again, this time louder.

Santana lifted her head and looked up at the gorgeous blond. Her throat felt dry and her heart raced as the memory of Brittany's soft lips against her own fluttered by. She acknowledged the girl for a moment before finding the bench, which she sat suddenly more interesting.

"Hey." she mumbled quietly.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Brittany said setting her bag down and taking a seat a little too close for comfort. Santana slid a few inches away.

"Fine. I just needed some air. I've been sick the last few days, which is why I haven't been around or replied to anyone. I don't want to get you guys sick." Santana couldn't stop the protective lies from spilling passed her lips. It was an all to familiar habit and defense against the pain in the world.

"Oh." Brittany looked down at her tennis shoes and gnawed on her lip for a moment. "I thought it might have been because of what happened at the party."

Santana grew stiff and inched a little further away from Brittany. She tried to think of an easy way to excuse herself from the conversation, but there was no way out without being obvious.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Santana snapped defensively, but recoiled when she heard how harsh her own voice sounded. Never in a million years did she ever want to hurt Brittany, but lately that seemed to be the only thing she was able to do.

Brittany looked at her curiously trying to puzzle Santana out as though she didn't make any sense.

"You don't remember kissing me..." Her voice trailed off as though the idea that Santana had forgotten were a slap in the face. Her gem like eyes looked hurt and Santana weakened under her gaze, but she said nothing.

"You were upstairs crying and I came to comfort you, but you got upset and started yelling at me again and then you kissed me." Brittany said again a little more firmly as though hearing it would jog Santana's memory. However, that was the last thing Santana needed.

"Yes, Brittany. I remember. I was there. You don't have to keep saying it over and over. What do you want me to say? I was drunk. Girls do stupid things without thinking when their drunk. You should just drop it and forget about it. It didn't mean anything." Santana snapped again. This time grabbing her bag to leave only to have Brittany catch her by the arm.

"Wait, San. I don't think you did it because you were drunk..."Brittany's voice trailed off letting the implication hang in the air. "The other night you told me that I wouldn't ever understand what it's like to be you, but I think I understand now and you can trust me. I would never tell anyone."

Santana yanked her arm from Brittany's touch. It was all too much to take in.

"It's okay, Santana. Everything is going to be okay." Brittany cooed softly taking a step closer, but Santana felt as if her world were crumbling down around her.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Santana growled in a low and angry voice hoping it would scare the blond away, but it was useless.

"I think you wanted to kiss me this whole time." she said taking another step closer like someone handling a very dangerous wild animal.

"I'm not gay." Santana bawled her fists as her body began to shake with rage. Why couldn't Brittany just drop it. It was no of her fucking business anyway.

"I didn't say you were, but even if you were there's nothing wrong with that."she said calmly as though Santana might blow at any moment.

Santana stood with her back to Brittany far a very long moment trying to keep herself from exploding on the girl she loved so deeply. It was so easy for her to make all these promises about things working out or how it's 'okay to be gay', but what would she know about it. There was nothing okay with small town life in Lima Ohio. Brittany would never understand and for as long as she and Roman were together, Santana would be reminded of it everyday.

"I kissed you because I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing. I probably thought you were Puck or something. I'm not gay. I don't like girls. I don't like kissing girls. Further more I'm strongly Catholic and I believe that anyone who does enjoy that kind of behavior is damned." Santana shook at her own words. It was one thing to say them in your head, but saying them out loud made it feel so much more real.

Santana finally turned to look at Brittany, with large tears in her eyes, but when she found the blonde looking back at her it wasn't what she had expected. Brittany's eyes were narrow and her fists were bawled up as well. She looked angrier than Santana had ever see her.

"Then I guess I'm going to hell because I do like kissing girls and I'm not afraid to admit it. You might feel like the only person with secretes, Santana, but you're not. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to tell you what you can and can't believe, but I refuse to think that caring about someone and expressing those feelings will send me to hell."Brittany snarled back at her.

"Britt, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-" Santana stammered trying to take back what she had said.

"Didn't mean to what—not think before yo spoke? I came here to let you know that you're not alone and that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about this. I think you need to go home and think everything I've said over." Brittany scolded.

Santana stood sheepishly in-front of Brittany, not totally sure of what just happened. Had Brittany really just said she likes to kiss girls too? Did that mean Brittany was a lesbian? If she was a lesbian, why was she dating Roman. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore other than the fact that Santana was now a pro at being stupid and fucking things up.

"C-Can I text you tonight?" Santana asked wearily, picking up her bag and tossing it over her shoulder.

Brittany folded her arms and shrugged.

"It depends on what you have to say."

"I'm really sorry, Britt. I don't think that of you.. I don't know why I said it." Santana murmured.

"Just go home Santana and get some real rest. I'll talk to you a little later—and you better be at school tomorrow, like every class!" She called with a hint of a smile as Santana turned to leave the gym.

Sure, she still felt horrible and she was still convinced her life was pretty much over, but at least there was a small silver-lining: Brittany liked kissing girls and that meant there was a tiny percent chance she liked kissing Santana. The thought made her heart flip and she started the long walk home from campus. Maybe there were things to look forward to after all.

A/N- Woah...I just realized this is the 12th chapter...damn how did that happen? I feel like I started this fic like last week. Where has the time gone? There is still so much to write. Ahhh! I don't know how to write a short story guys. I'm sorry, I just don't. The ride has been so far and I want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this fic. I love you all so much. I hope you've had a wonderful holiday. This chapter was really sad but the ball between brittana is starting to roll .

For those concerned Santana will not be sleeping with Puck and Britt will not be sleeping with Roman. Jason and Brittany are bffs for life, so they know everything about each other. Props to those of you who guessed that already. It'll be fun seeing what happens with all these triangles. Jason and San will only ever be bros.

I really hope you enjoyed the painful feels this chapter.

(On a personal note: A lot of the things Santana deals with are things I've personally experienced (like panic attacks, depression, anger..ect ) or things that other people I know have gone through. Today, I'm happy and I love myself and it mean so much to me that people can relate to what I'm writing about. Had I known other people felt the same way at the time, things may have been a lot easier for me so thank you so much for your wonderful words.)