Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, Better than Ezra, or "Special". The idea is mine though
It had almost been a year now. A year since he had lost her. His Rose. He had watched her fade away from him knowing he would never see her again. Ever since, he had felt completely numb like there was nothing let for him anywhere. And there wasn't: not if he couldn't have her with him.
The Doctor wondered around the TARDIS. He still wasn't use to the quiet. With Rose, there was always laughter or music. When she had come back with him, the old him before he regenerated, she had brought some of her favorite CDs. Some days he would pass her room to her dancing around to some band. She always looked so beautiful while dancing; her hair flying every direction, her eyes sparkling as she saw him watching her, her laugh when she pulled him up to dance.
He found himself in front of her room. He did that frequently, walk around the TARDIS lost in thought and memories until he reached her room. He hadn't been able to stay in her room very long ever since that day. It hurt too much to be so close to the memory of her. But today, he felt like he could stay.
Slowly, he opened the door. His hearts jumped to his throat. In almost a year he hadn't moved or touched anything. It was as if she was still there, still on the TARDIS. He turned half expecting her to walk in smiling as she asked where they were off to next. He smiled sadly remembering all the times she had done just that.
He walked around her room just remembering. The floor was still covered with clothes; she never could keep her room very clean. Her desk held a few odds and ends. Her jewelry box was open, necklaces and rings spilling out. He saw the pictures of Jackie and Mickey. They were her family and he prayed that she was happy with them and Pete now.
A few papers littered the desk. He picked one up and saw Rose's scrawling handwriting. It was a list of all the places she had seen and what they had done there. He laughed when he saw her note about meeting Queen Victoria: "The royal family are all werewolves! Ha!" He remembered the two of them laughing over that joke. His eyes started to fill with tears. Damn!
The Doctor had never been one for tears, but it seemed that was all he could manage now. Oh, he still went on his journeys whenever someone needed him. But they all seemed so dull and empty now. He had turned around countless times to tell Rose of the new time and place they were in to see nothing. He had reached out his hand again and again for hers only to grasp cold air instead of her warm hand. He found loneliness even lonelier without His Rose.
As he turned trying to get out of her room before he lost it, his leg hit her bed. And just like that he was frozen. She had been in that bed just a year ago. A wave of tiredness washed over him. It was too hard trying to make himself go on without Rose. In all of his 900 years he had never felt so incredibly tired, so incredibly worn down. He never realized how alive he felt with Rose until she was gone. The need to be close to her hit him like a sack of bricks.
He sat down on the bed and as the tears started again, he laid his down on her pillow. It still smelled just like her. A mix of vanilla, spice, and something he imagined the sunshine smelled like. So unique, just like Rose. Then he realized it. The bed was warm. He shot straight up and felt the bed with his hand. It was impossible after all that time it should have been cold. His eyes flicked back and forth to the corners of the room. He couldn't see anything and the TARDIS would have let him know if there was trouble. Then how could the bed be warm?
While thinking this over, he happened to look down at Rose's night table. Her CD player was sitting there. The Doctor looked at it in disbelief, it was on. Again he searched the room and again there was nothing there. He picked up the CD player that was paused on Track 6. He popped it open to look at the CD. Better Than Ezra, Before the Robots". He remembered Rose saying something about the band but he couldn't remember what. He put the CD back into the player and pushed the buttons until it reached Track 6. He lay back onto her bed and pushed play. His hearts stopped as the music started:
Are you real?
Are you real or just a dream?
It's been so long; I don't know.
He couldn't breathe. The song echoed his haunted thoughts. First the warm bed then the CD player on. It was almost like Rose really was on the TARDIS. And it wasn't the first time that he thought she was still with him
I can feel. I can feel you here with me.
Even though you're far away.
Even though he knew she was gone in a parallel universe hopefully living a good life, sometimes he could swear that she was just in the next room, that he could hear her laughing.
Some are special
They come back, racing through your mind
You were special.
Your light, your heat
Will never die.
A sob tore through his body as the words played through the speakers. His Rose was so special to him. She was the only thing he could think of now. He only wished he could have told her how special she really was before time ran out. It was ironic; a Time Lord didn't have enough time.
I was lost.
I was lost and I found you.
I will know no further love.
He remembered the way he was before Rose Tyler came into his life. He was still hurt and broken from the Time War. But when he took her hand that day in the basement he knew that something had changed. She changed him for good. She helped him heal from the hurt of the loss. But now she was gone. And he knew no one would ever replace her in his hearts.
People move.
People move and fall away,
Love, you refuse to fade.
Ah, the curse of the Time Lords. No one could ever really stay with him. He had told Rose that once. You can spend the rest of your life with me but I can't spend the rest of mine with you. There would be others who would join him in his journeys but Rose would always be there. He wouldn't let her go from his memories.
I was pulling far away
You were begging me to stay.
And I thought I was losing you.
Funny, how the opposite was true.
Fresh tears sprang with those words. It was an all too familiar scenario. Rose had crying as they said goodbye. He wished with all of his years he could have stayed with her. Life with Rose would have been, well fantastic. If only he could have had the chance.
So regretful, how could I ever be so blind?
You were special.
I thought I'd never lose my mind.
He was losing his mind. He kept replaying the scene at Bad Wolf Bay over and over again in his mind. She had faded away before he could tell her those words that she wanted to hear and he was dying to say. "I love you Rose" he whispered.
Some are special
The song ended and for a moment everything was quiet. Even the TARDIS was quiet as if sensing his mood. Then the song started itself over again. The Doctor looked more closely at the CD player and noticed that it was set to repeat. He couldn't believe that this was happening. It was all too strange; which meant a lot coming from a man that had seen nearly everything.
He buried his head into Rose's pillow crying out all of his frustration and pain. He slipped his hand underneath her pillow and his hand hit a piece of paper. Sitting up, he pulled the piece of paper out. It was quite crinkled like it had been there for quite awhile. As he read Roes' words he slowly started to smile.
Doctor,
If you found this than I'm more than likely gone. I'm so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling now. I know that I must have been forced to leave you because as I said a long time ago, you're stuck with me. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise.
I know it seems weird that I wrote this note. But apparently, I was right to go ahead and write this out. I just had this feeling that one day I wouldn't be coming back home. Yes, I do consider the TARDIS home. Actually, I would consider anywhere you are home.
From the first day that you took my hand in that basement I knew that my life was starting. I have never regretted my choice to come along. You showed me worlds that I couldn't have imagined. I have had so many adventures that I never would have if I had stayed a shop girl back in London.
I know that you're probably blaming yourself for me being gone. Well don't! I know that you would have done everything within your power to save me. After all you were willing to send me away and face the Daleks to keep your word to my mum. Oh god, mum. I guess I should write something out to her and Mickey. If you don't find any more notes under my pillow than can you tell my mum and Mickey that I love them so much and this is what I wanted. To travel through time and space with you.
I guess that's all. Oh, wait, there is one more thing. I know that I never told you this but I hope that you know how much I love you. My Doctor, please don't be lonely forever. Find someone new to go with you. Go find Sarah-Jane and K9 and take them on another adventure if she wants to. Just don't be alone. I know it will be hard but you have to let someone in.
You were so special to me Doctor. I don't know why I couldn't tell you that sooner.
I love you forever
Rose
ps. Play track 6 on my CD player. It's a song I heard and want you to listen to if I'm gone. When you hear this song remember me, remember the good times that we had.
p.p.s And even though you never told me, I know that you loved me too.
Tears were flowing down the Doctor's face. How had she known? How had she know that he would lose her? But she was right as usual. Finding this helped him somewhat. Although she told him, not to be alone he knew it would be a while before he could find someone knew. There was no one that would ever compare to her in his heart. He re-read her last line. She knew that he loved her? It made him feel even worse now. She knew how he felt and she had never been able to hear it. He dropped the note on the floor and put his head into his hands.
A small draft blew into the room. It smelled of vanilla, spice, and sunshine. It smelled like Rose. His head snapped up and he wildly looked around the room. "Rose" he asked the stillness. Then he heard her.
"My Doctor, don't forget. I love you" her voice was nothing more than a whisper.
"I love you too Rose. I LOVE YOU" he yelled. The room was quiet as if nothing had happened. But he knew, somehow, he had heard her. He laid back down on the bed and let the song begin again. He closed his eyes and thought of his special Rose.
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