Chapter Fifteen
I Love You's
** Warning angst below**
Santana paced the hallway wringing her sleeves tightly between her fingers. Out of all the terrible ideas she had over the last month this was probably the worst. Singing was not something she could ever see her self doing. Sure she liked it in the car or at church where no one could hear, but auditioning in front of a class room full of her fellow students was more nerve-wracking then she had originally thought.
Over the last few week Brittany had continuously dropped hints and rebuked her arguments until there was no longer a reason why she shouldn't go out for glee club. A part of her wanted this although it felt as thought she were about to commit social suicide and everything she worked so hard for since freshman year was about to go down the drain. Yet still Brittany's voice in the back of her mind reassured her that everything would be okay and to Santana's knowledge her friend hadn't been wrong so far.
"Hey everyone's ready when you are." Brittany said popping her head out of the choir room door with her usual infectious smile that caused butterflies to ripple through the smaller girl's heart. Santana looked up at Brittany unsure she could really pull this off.
"I don't think this was such a good idea Britt. I've never sung for anyone before you and most of those people in there hate me, for good reason. I'm not sure I can do this." Santana wrapped her arms around herself and hugged tightly.
"Oh honey, they don't hate you." Brittany cooed stepping out into the hall to give Santana a hug as well. "Trust me, they can't wait to hear what you can do. Well, Rachel's still a little bitter from when you told her off, but just ignore her. Everyone else is super excited. You've got this. Don't forget I'm in glee club too. With two super magical dancing Cheerios on the team no one will bother us about it. You're just showing this school that there's more to you than meets the eye."
Santana buried her face in Brittany's neck and closed her eyes, letting the girls sweet smell of peaches and flowers relax her. She always knew the right thing to say when Santana was feeling uncertain.
"Okay Britt. Are you still coming over tonight for family dinner?" Santana bit her lip hoping she didn't seem too anxious.
Roman had invited Brittany over again for dinner with their parents, why Santana would never know, but this time he had some stupid romantic gesture planned that he wouldn't even share with his own sister. It made Santana feel a bit resentful and a tad bit guilty. Even though she knew what was going on between her and Brittany was only a silly temporary thing, she knew it was wrong to lie. Still she felt as though she got the better end of the deal tonight because Brittany would be sleeping over in her room for the first time.
"Wouldn't miss it for anything. Do you have any idea what Roman has planned? I'm kind of nervous about it. I mean he's a really sweet guy, but big romantic things aren't really his thing."Brittany pondered.
"No idea. He wouldn't tell me." Santana shrugged not really interested in talking about her brother's love life. As long as it wasn't something crazy like an engagement ring, she didn't really care.
"Well whatever it is, I can't wait to stay up eating ice cream and talking about it with you." she smiled and ran her hand down Santana's arm sending shivers all over. "You ready?"
"Ready." Santana nodded and smiled back.
Brittany reached for the door and opened it for Santana, who instantly dawned her Head Bitch mask and walked in with a smug smile on her face. Pretending not to care was the only way she'd get this.
"Welcome Santana. I'm really glad to see you've decided to audition for our club. We're always happy to have new students join us. What are you going to sing for us today?" Her Spanish teacher Mr. Shue asked as Brittany took her seat front and center next to Rachel, who sat pouting. His Spanish was awful, but at least he was friendly.
"I'll be singing 'Girl on Fire' by Alicia Keys."
"Wonderful. Start when ever you're ready." Mr. Shue gave Santana the floor at took a seat near the back of the room.
Santana closed her eyes and pictured thought of the first few notes. Her heart raced as she worried she might mess up.
She's just a girl and she's on fire.
Hotter than a fantasy.
Lonely like a highway.
She's living in a world and it's on fire.
Feeling the Catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away.
Ooh, she's got both feet on the ground and she's burning it down
Ooh, she's got her head in the clouds and she's not backing down.
This girl is on fire!
As the first worlds left her lips Santana relaxed knowing that the hours she had spent practicing in her bedroom when no one was home were paying off. She opened her eyes and slowly let the room feel what the lyrics meant to her. She found Brittany's eyes gleaming at her as the blond tapped her feet with the beat. Santana loved the shocked looks of the other students in glee club including Berry's. Santana grabbed hold of something deep within and belted the last words of the chorus, demonstrating her control. She took her new-found confidence and put it toward the next verse.
Looks like a girl, but she's a flame.
So hot she can burn your eyes, better look the other way.
You can try, but you'll never forget her name.
She's on top of the world.
Hottest of the hottest girls
Say ooh, we got our feet on the ground and we're burning it down.
Ooh, got our head in the clouds and we're not coming down.
This girl is on fire!
Santana felt higher than she had ever been. It was like all the oppressed feelings that she had never let herself feel were all pouring from her and not just the feelings she had for girls. Santana felt happy, brave, confident, and so many other things she only pretended to have on the day-to-day.
She pushed on through the song knowing that she could do no wrong, however with her lack of emotional experience Santana was ill prepared for one line of the song that hit too close to home for her.
Ooh, everyone stands as she goes by.
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eye.
Watching as she's lighting up the night
They don't know that she's a lonely girl and it's a lonely world.
But she goin' to let it burn baby, burn baby!
Santana stumbled over the notes of lonely girl. Her eyes darted to Brittany's warm smile encouraging her to go on. She quickly picked the song back up and finished strong. Although her mess up wasn't a huge one she was convinced everyone had noticed. She closed her eyes on the last few notes letting them settle her still racing heart. Hanging her head because she assumed she had failed.
Instead of condemning silence the room erupted in claps and cheers. Brittany sprang from her seat and wrapped Santana in a warm embrace while the other students shouted praise at her. Santana's cheeks grew rosie and warm. She had never experienced so much positivity thrown her way.
"Yo that was fierce dog. You've got some mad pipes." said Artie, a boy in a wheelchair who thought himself more gangsta than anyone else at McKinley.
"Well Santana, I think I can say confidently that if you want to join, Glee club would love to have you." Mr. Shue said patting her shoulder. "What do you think guys?"
The room full of students clapped in agreement, however one person did not seem so thrilled. Rachel's hand shot up high in the air.
"Mr. Shue I think you're overlooking a few vital details. While I agree that Santana's rendition of Girl on Fire was above adequate, I for one do not think she's a team player. As captain of this team I have reached out to Santana on multiple occasions to join and she's been nothing but crass and degrading. I can only assume then that when push comes to shove she'll choose her reputation over the good of the club. I don't think it's a gamble we should take when we finally have the talent to take us all the way to nationals." Rachel said shortly folding her arms indignantly.
Santana felt as though she wanted to throw up. She had put so much time and effort into working on that song only to be rejected because of some stupid grudge 'man hands' held against her. The bile she felt quickly turned to boiling rage.
"Okay hold up Bilbo lets me tellz you a few things: I worked my ass off on that song and-"Santana was cut off by Brittany who placed as soft calming hand on her shoulder.
"Look Santana worked really hard and she wouldn't be here if she wasn't serious about joining. I thought the point of this club was to accept each others differences by coming together through music. I don't think it's fair to just turn her away because you're upset she sang one of your songs flawlessly, Rachel. If Santana can't be in your club then I'm not going to be in it ether." Brittany warned. Her blue eyes were stunning and sharp the way they stared Rachel down.
Santana knew that look and she was happy not to be on the receiving end of it this time.
Rachel sunk down in her seat and folded her arms not willing to give ground.
"A compromise then. Santana will be on a probationary period. Assuming that you show up to rehearsals on time and attending meetings, proving that you're serious about Glee, you're in. Does that sound fair?" Will asked trying to calm the room.
Santana gave a half shrug still fuming, but Brittany and Rachel agreed out loud. Taking her hand Brittany lead Santana to the seats in the back of the choir room where they could sit together and listen to the lesson of the day.
"You were so good." Brittany whispered in Santana's ear. She held tight to her hand and gave it a squeeze to emphases her point. Santana smiled back at her, but she couldn't help but wonder if she had made a huge mistake.
Santana drove Brittany to pick up some things from her house.
"I have no idea what to wear." Brittany huffed throwing yet another top down onto her bed. Santana laid against her pillows secretly enjoying the way they smelt like Brittany when she held them tight in her arms.
"It's a sleep over B. Wear those duck pjs you have. They're my favorite." Santana trained her eyes on Brittany's well sculpted dancer booty as she kept digging through her closet. She still had an amazing high from her first glee performance allowing her to be a little more brave then she might have been normally.
"No I don't mean that, of course I'm going to wear those. I'm talking about dinner tonight. I want to look good when I meet your parents again. I just really want them to like me. Last time-" Brittany turned to catch Santana's wandering eyes. She gave a curious look that made Santana blush, but didn't mention it.
"Last time didn't go so well, I know. Britt, my parents are assholes. My mother only cares about her next glass of sherry and my dad..." Santana rolled over and looked up the ceiling. "Who cares what he thinks."
She could feel Brittany's eyes fall on her, but she didn't want to look round at her. Santana knew she had no business complaining about family when Brittany's father was M.I.A and her mother could hardly spend a moment home. Come to think of it she still hadn't even met Mrs. Pierce.
Santana felt the dip in the bed first followed by Brittany's body heat, before their eyes met inches away from one another. Santana took a sharp breath as her heart skipped a beat, which it often did when Brittany looked at her with such intense stormy blue eyes. Her blonde hair fell around them like a golden curtain shielding both girls from the outside world.
"It's not what they think that matters. It's what they know." Brittany whispered softly above Santana's lips. "You're both important to me. They can think I'm immature or weird as long as they know how much I care."
Santana's eyes flickered to Brittany's soft pink lips. Words escaped her, so instead she leaned forward half an inch. Without needing anymore permission Brittany leaned in the rest of the way with a long needing kiss, which quickly turned to a hungry one. Santana tried not to squirm or giggle when Brittany ran her tongue along her bottom lip. She parted her lips a little wider and beckoned her friend to enter. French kissing was still a new area for her and while she had practiced a few times with Puck nothing compared to Brittany's talent.
Santana smiled into the kiss wrapping her arms around Brittany's neck and pulling their bodies flush together. She could feel the way Brittany's breasts were shoved up against her own. She loved the way their legs knew how to intertwine themselves without getting in the way. Most of all she adored the way Brittany took care of her every fear and wiped it away like it had never existed.
"Why are you giggling. Stop laughing." Brittany laughed when she needed air. She placed a few sweet lady kisses along Santana's jaw and neck before nipping her ear.
"I don't know. You're making me laugh. That tickles." Santana laughed wiggling so Brittany would stop being such a tease.
Brittany had just leaned in to resume their playful make out when there was a knock at her door.
"Britt, can we talk before you go?" Jason said as he opened the door without waiting to be welcomed.
Santana pushed Brittany off of her and tried to put as much distance between them as she could on the large bed. Brittany rolled her eye and grunted in frustration over Santana's insistence that no one ever find out their secrete. Santana knew of all people Jason would probably care less, but trusting other people didn't come easy for her.
"Sup little Lo." Jason smirked as Brittany rolled over and sat up.
"Hey Jason." Santana murmured as she tried to flatten out her hair.
"So what's the plan tonight and don't bother lying because I'll know." He joked leaning up against the door frame eyeing the two suspicious girls. With his handsome looks it was hard to take him seriously about anything.
"Roman and Santana invited me over for dinner with their parents. After I'll probably spend sometime with Rome because he has something to tell me, I guess. He was acting really weird about it. Later I'll be sleeping in Santana's room." Brittany said running her hand through her gold hair tossing it out in just a way that made Santana's legs weak.
"You know I'm only letting this happen on two conditions. One: nether of you sneak out. Two: If you have sex with someone be safe about it." His eyes wandered over to Santana, who felt as though she wanted to bury her head in the sand. He pulled out his wallet from his back pocket and tossed a condom to his sister.
"I want that back, unopened, tomorrow" he said matter of factly. Santana was about ready to die and Brittany looked much the same. The last thing she ever wanted to think about was Roman and Brittany doing it, but the reality was still there. They had been dating for a while now and her brother was known to be a play boy.
"Wow Jason." Brittany said tossing the little square thing in her bag. "I'm not sleeping with Rome. Not that it's anyones business, but my own. As for the rest, I'll be fine. I'm a senior in high school. You've got to start letting me do things on my own at some point."
"So much easier said than done baby sis, besides what would mom say if she knew I let you leave without a proper warning." Jason gave a smug little smirk. " I'll let you guys get back to your...packing. Love you."
When Jason had gone Santana rolled over and groaned into Brittany's pillows.
"I'm sorry San. He's not a total jerk. He's just acting like one because you're here and because he cares." Brittany said rubbing her back.
"It's okay, Roman would probably say the same. Actually no he wouldn't. He'd beat the crap out of Puckerman if he thought we were sleeping together. He's right though. It's better to be safe then sorry. I just really rather not think about—that." Santana turned to look at Brittany and grimaced.
Brittany looked away at her closet and gave a small sigh. Which caught Santana's ears. Crawling over to where the blonde sat Santana wrapped her arms around her waist and placed her head on Brittany's shoulder.
"How about we go back to my house and you can pick out one of my dresses to wear to dinner. I think I have a few that would look great on you. I'll do your make up and hair anyway you want. Sound fun?" Santana murmured into Brittany's neck causing the blonde to smile lightly.
"Sounds amazing." Brittany said turning to smother Santana with a face full of kisses.
Santana whipped the soap from her eyes and washed the rest from her hair before turning off the hot water and stepping out. While she felt more at ease changing in front of other people, she insisted that Brittany respect some of her boundaries. Mainly asking permission before sharing a shower. Still Santana couldn't stop herself from thinking about the way the beads of water rolled down the blonde's perfectly smooth back.
Santana toweled her self off, pulled on a pair of lace black panties, and matching bra before wrapping herself up again and opening the adjoining door to her bedroom. Brittany sat on Santana's bed flipping through one of her comic books.
"I've got to find a better place to hide those." Santana smiled and shook her head a little embarrassed.
Brittany looked up with an amused grin. She was already wore a simple white lace dress with a thick belt that wrapped around her middle. Even without her hair and makeup done she looked like an angel.
"I never would have pegged you for the comic book geek type, it's cute. So explain to me, is Bat Woman Batgirl all grown up or is she like the daughter of Wonder Woman and Batman?" Brittany asked getting up to sit in front of Santana's mirror.
"She's actually someone totally different. You can barrow them as long as you promise to keep them in good condition and not tell Roman. Last time he found them I convinced him they were Puck's, but if he found out I'd never hear the end of it. In this house girls are supposed to act like girls and reading comic books isn't very girly."
The wet latina dug through her closet until she found a simple flower pattern dress to wear to dinner. As she spoke she dressed herself and brushed her hair. When she was satisfied she walked over to where Brittany sat looking at the book in front of the mirror. Her dark fingers ran through Brittany's silky golden locks. It felt so thin, fine, and soft compared to her thicker hair. It flowed past her fingers like water. Picking up the curling iron she began to craft loose curls that hung down to her shoulders.
"I think I'll defiantly take them home with me to read,they look interesting. I promise I wont tell or mess them up. I don't see how comic books make you less girly. I ride motocross, but I still like to get dressed up and go out. What does that even have to do with being a girl." Brittany scrunched her brow trying to solve the puzzle like rules of the Lopez family.
"Like I said earlier B, don't try to apply logic to Lopez. You're just going to give yourself a headache. Tonight just smile and laugh at my dad's jokes. After the Puckerman disaster they already like you a thousand times more." Santana sighed.
She wasn't looking forward to fucked up family dinner where she'd have to sit and pretend she wasn't smitten for her brother's girlfriend. No doubt her father would find things to criticize her about while praising Roman for all his accomplishments. Normally it was pretty unbearable, but with Brittany sitting there it was bound to be utterly shameful.
"Wow you're so good at this!" Brittany jarred Santana from her thoughts. Looking in the mirror she realized that she had just finished her friend's hair. It looked great. Santana gave a prideful little smirk as Brittany looked herself over.
"I'm not done yet. I still have to to your make up."
Twenty minutes later both girls stood looking at one another through Santana's mirror. They looked as if they were ready to spend a night out on the town breaking hearts and a part of Santana wished they were.
"If we lived in California or New York where people didn't care or didn't notice if two girls were out together then maybe then I would be able to ask someone like her out, but not here. Lima is just too small minded to understand." Santana told herself over and over though she knew there was more holding her back then the opinions of strangers.
As fucked up as her family was she still loved them. If they knew the truth she feared they might not ever love her back. And as much as she yearned for Brittany to be hers, she knew it was too much of a gamble to risk. Family was everything and Santana didn't know what she'd do without her brother or abuela.
"You look beautiful, Santana." Brittany said extending her hand and taking the lost in thought girl.
Santana looked down at their entwined fingers and smiled. Maybe it was wrong to feel this way about a person so off-limits, but then again how could the beating in her chest that made her so crazy and stupid for another person ever be wrong?
"So do you Britt. Lets get this dinner over with, so we can cuddle, eat ice cream, and watch adventure time." She tossed Brittany a wink before leaning them down the stairs to the dinning room where the table had been set.
As they reached the door Santana let go of Brittany's hand, though it hurt her heart to do so, and took her usual seat at the end of her mother's side of the table across from Brittany.
"Hello Brittany darling. You look darling in that dress. You should consider letting her keep it Santana. She fills it out much better. Come help me with the rest of the dishes." Maria said with an overly pleasant smile as she set a bowl of mash potatoes down between the two friends. Santana slid from her seat and did as she was told.
Tonight they were having a meal fit for thanksgiving which included turkey, green bean casserole, rolls, and cactus salad which caused a bit of confusion for Brittany.
"What do you mean Cactus, like the thorny plant? I didn't know you could eat that? Is it like the puffer-fish of the desert? If I eat it will it kill me?" Brittany asked as Santana laughed.
"No, it's like the inside part. It's slimy, but good try it." Santana pulled out a shred of cactus and passed it to the girl who sniffed and nibbled on it like a kitten discovering new food for the first time.
"Santana, keep you hands out of the food! Are you five?" Her mother snapped. "Call your brother and papi"
Santana waited until Maria left the room to roll her eyes and laugh at the silly face Brittany was making over the taste of the salad. Stepping out of the room Santana shouted for her brother and father to come to dinner. Both men emerged from their respective rooms and filed into the dinning room to take a seat.
"Hey babe, you look amazing in that dress. I think San should let you keep it." Roman smiled giving his girlfriend a light peck on the lips. "San you look good too." he added blowing her a kiss as well.
Santana scoffed and took her seat just as her father did. Despite his normal sullen disposition, Navarro seemed to be in a rather pleasant mood compared to his temperament most other nights. With a flick of his wrist the elder man put his napkin in his lap and turned his attention toward their guest.
"Welcome Brittany. It's a pleasure to have you back again. I hope dinner is more to your liking this time around. It's so hard to enjoy a meal when you're surrounded by less than polite company, wouldn't you agree?" Navarro mused.
"I had a wonderful time last time, so when Roman asked me to come again I was more than happy to say yes." Brittany replied as polity as possible. Santana could feel her friend growing nervous with the way her father bared down on her.
"Papi, I'm sure you already know that Brittany eats dinner here fairly often. I'm sure she's more than accustomed to eating with us." Santana added trying to steal some of the scrutiny from her friend.
"Well with your table manners it's hard to see why. Haven't I taught you it's rude to interrupt?" Santana's father quipped. " Now I've forgotten what I was going to ask. Since you have so much to say this evening, why don't you lead us in prayer, Santana."
"Yea papi." Santana pursed her lips and caught a glance from her brother that said to chill out, as she bowed her head.
"Uh-dear god thank you for the really good food we're about to eat. Bless Mami, Papi, Roman, Britt, and Abela. Please keep watch over papi's patients. Help Quinn to relax every once in a while. Please teach Puckerman table manners. Last, if you see fit please forgive us for all of our worst sins. In the name of the father, son, and holy spirit amen." Santana prayed.
When she was done her father's usual look of annoyance had returned, but he didn't bother to chastise her for her poor praying abilities. Instead Navarro helped himself to a plate of turkey with all the sides as did the rest of the table.
"So tell us about school Brittany. I hear you're on the Cheerios with Quinn and Santana. How do you like it?" Maria asked putting on her fake perfect mother smile.
Santana couldn't help the sour taste it put in her mouth. Why did everyone have to be so fake? Why couldn't they let Brittany see just how rotten they were, how rotten they were turning Santana. Watching dinner play out, it came as no surprise Santana had trouble being herself when this was the example she was raised with. Her grandmother seemed to be the only person who could cut through the lies and the bullshit to expose the truth.
"What about you Santana?" Her brother's voice cut through Santana's haze.
"Huh?" She asked looking up from her plate.
"I asked if anything happen at school this week for you?" Roman prompted trying to give her a chance to look good.
"No, nothing interesting. I've brought all my grades up to A+ and I've practiced really hard with the Cheerios. Britt's come up with some really great routines for us that are going to help us win nationals this year." Santana nodded to her friend as Roman put a proud arm around her shoulders.
"My girl is so talented Papi, she's an amazing dancer. We should all go to nationals to watch this year." Roman suggested as Santana started pushing her food around her plate. It had never occurred to her family to ever go and watch her cheer, so hearing it brought up stung a small place in her heart.
Santana looked up when she felt her leg being nudged under the table. Her dazzling blue eyes found Santana's hurt brown ones, urging her to say something, but Santana remained quiet.
"What else has happened at school San?" Roman asked scooping more potatoes into his face.
She gave a half shrug no longer feeling hungry or interested in the conversation.
"Nothing important really."
"That's not true. You did something pretty amazing today, San." Brittany spoke up causing all eyes to fall on her.
"It wasn't really anything. It's not that important." She gave Brittany a stern look not to speak any further, but the girl pressed on.
"You're just being modest. You should tell them." Brittany encouraged.
"Well now you have to tell us, San," Roman smirked sitting back in his chair.
Navarro looked curiously at his wife who only shook her head. The truth was they knew absolutely nothing about their only daughter.
"I—uh-" Santana began nervously. She had never intended to tell her parents about glee club. It was one of those embarrassing secretes you hoped no one would ever find out.
"Out with it Santana. You know how I can't stand it when you mumble things." Navarro chided.
"I joined glee club with Brittany today." Santana said quickly like ripping off a band-aid.
"Wait, you're joking?" Roman gave a horse laugh and sat up straight, looking around at his girlfriend.
"Not at all. Santana has an amazing voice. She's probably one of the most talented singers in our school. " Brittany snapped back at Roman.
"Glee Club? What is this, I've never heard of it before. It is a performing arts type of thing?" Navarro asked skeptically.
"Mija, you never told us you could sing or even wanted to." Maria frowned.
Santana sank back into her chair, wishing she could just disappear. This was exactly the kind of attention she couldn't bare. She hated having all eyes on her, making all sorts of judgments without understanding first.
"Wow San. Wow." Roman snickered of all people he knew just how low on the totem pole Glee club was. "Ouch babe! What was that for."
"Santana has a real talent and for your information I'm in Glee too." Brittany huffed.
"Yea, but you're a dancer you've done it your whole life. I've never heard Santana sing once, not even in the shower. It's not really a talent you can just pick up out of no where."
"Silence. Someone please explain to me what this club is and let us return to a civilized dinner." Navarro shouted about the flurry of conversation. "Santana.."
Santana gritted her teeth and looked down at her plate feeling awkward. She wasn't upset with Brittany for sharing, because she was only trying to help. The problem was she didn't fully understand the way the Lopez family worked.
"Glee is a show choir. It's a combination of singing, dancing, and performing. Britt heard me sing in the car a few times and convinced me to join. It's really not that big of a deal papi. It's not going to hurt my grades and it doesn't conflict with cheer. Colleges look for students to be well-rounded in all areas and this helps with that." Santana spoke knowing just what to say to convince her father it was an acceptable activity.
"Well that sounds like the first smart choice you've made this year, Santana. I'm proud of you. Can you sing something for us?" Maria asked. Santana could see her mother's fingers twitch. It was a sign she was having a hard time keeping it together with out her nightly wine cooler.
" I don't have anything prepared right now. Maybe another time." Santana said coolly. Brittany shot Santana an apologetic look that she accepted. "If you guys don't mind I think I'll excuse myself. I don't feel very good. I think I ate too much. I'm going to lie down."
"San I'll come with—" Brittany began to get up, but Santana shook her head no.
"It's alright B. You should stay and finish dinner. Come find me when you're done." Santana said sweetly before dismissing herself.
Once in her room Santana kicked off her shoes and pulled off her uncomfortable dress and tossed it to the floor. From her dresser she pulled out a pair of sweats and tank top. A crumpled piece of paper fell out onto the floor, which Santana picked up after she changed. Unfolding she fond the Gateways logo tattered across the front. Her long slender fingers ran over the surface of the flyer.
Would going to this camp really help cure her of the way she felt inside? She looked at the pictures of all the happy smiling couples inside who seemed to be magically cured by gods love and simple prayer. Her mind wandered to Brittany and her brother who sat down stairs eating with her parents like perfectly normal people. Santana knew that the last few weeks had been a fantasy world that was bound to collapse in on its self at any moment.
Roman cared about Brittany more than he had ever cared about anyone else and here she was going behind his back dragging his girlfriend down into her twisted world. Roman was more than just her brother, he was one of her best friends. Sure he could be a big dopey idiot, but like Jason, he had her back no matter what.
"And I show I care by going behind his back. I really am a bitch." Santana whispered and closed her eyes. Besides it was crazy to think that Brittany would ever choose happiness with her over happiness with someone normal, like her brother.
Opening her underwear drawer, Santana tossed the paper back in. There was nothing she could do about it tonight so there was no point thinking about it. Instead Santana crawled up on her bed and opened her lap top. She signed into her L-Chat account and trolled the latest lesbian gossip that involved Rizzoli and Isles.
She only managed to get half caught up when Brittany knocked on the door. She quickly logged out and closed her computer as Brittany shut the door.
"Oh god San. I'm so so so sorry!" She said climbing up in the bed and wrapping her arms around the latina's neck. Santana was a little caught off guard, but melted into the hung none the less.
"It's all good Britt. I know you didn't know. I'm not mad, I promise." Santana hushed giving the girl a light squeeze before they parted.
"You just looked so sad when Roman mentioned the cheer competition. I wanted you to stand out and get at least a little recognition for what you do. I didn't realize it would turn into such a big deal." Brittany whimpered taking Santana's hand in her own and massaged it, hoping it would help.
"Honestly I'm use to it by now." She shrugged.
"Well it wasn't cool for Rome to laugh. I'm going to talk to him about it later."
"Don't B. It's okay. He wasn't trying to be mean and I'm not mad. It's not worth the fight." Santana said dismissing Brittany's worry. The last thing she wanted right then was to come between her brother and Brittany's happiness.
Brittany's eyes fixed on her for a long moment causing Santana to become unsettled. Leaning over she cupped Santana's cheek tenderly, forcing her to look up into Brittany's face. Her thumb brushed over Santana's lips , making her cheeks grow warm and her head feel fuzzy. How could she pull away from someone who made her feel so alive?
Without waiting for more permission Brittany stole a deep kiss from Santana, clawing for something more than just a shrug. The blonde wanted something deep and hidden inside. She wanted the truth, but her walls were built too high and too thick to break through. However Santana played along by grabbing Brittany's neck and kissing back with just as much passion and hunger.
Santana couldn't bare to kiss for too long. She knew at any moment someone could walk in and see them, so she pulled back with subsequent pecks.
"Didn't Rome have a gift or something for you?" Santana cocked her eye brow wondering what it could be.
"He said he'd come get me when it was ready. He wants it to be perfect." Brittany blushed slightly causing Santana to roll her eyes and slip out from under Brittany's body.
"Well cool. I'll be up here waiting for you when it's done." Santana said coolly.
"Is something wrong? I feel like something's wrong. If there is, you need to tell me San because I'm not very good with these things." Brittany sat pretzel legged looking over at her with hurt eyes.
'Yes every thing's wrong. I want you to be with me not my brother! I want the world to be okay with it. I want to not hate myself every time I look in the mirror and think of how I've been going behind my brothers back! I want to be someone else.' Santana's inner voice scream, but her eye merely reflected against the her mirror as Santana adjusted her lip gloss instead.
"Hey Britt, I'm ready downstairs when you are." Roman popped his head through the door braking the awkward silence between the friends.
"We'll finish this talk when I get back, San." Brittany whispered running her hand gently over Santana's shoulder only to get no reaction in return.
Santana shut the door a little harder than she had wanted. Today had gone so well for the most part, at what point had it all turned to shit? Santana closed her eyes and tried to shake away all the negative thoughts that made her feel so awful. It wasn't fair to take how she felt out on Brittany, after all they were best friends first.
"When she comes back I'll turn the night around." Santana vowed. This was their first sleepover together. It should be filled with laughter, chocolate, and gossip or so Santana had always experienced when ever she went to sleepovers with the other Cheerios at Quinn's house.
She moved to her window where she could look out into their small back yard which held some nice patio furniture. Roman had laid out Christmas lights over the garden for romantic lighting and he had bought several bouquets of flowers which sat on the table. Santana could only shake her head.
"What an idiot." She said, but the truth was she would do the same only maybe bigger because Brittany was worth it.
When the two stepped out into the yard Santana was tempted to look away and go back to reading her lesbian blogs, but curiosity got the better of her. Her irrational side feared a proposal which caused knots of jealousy to form in her belly, however she quickly reminded herself how ridiculously out of the question that was.
She watched as her brother took Brittany's hands in his own and spoke to her before pulling out a white box from his pocket. Santana's heart quickened as she watched in envy. 'Thou shall not covet' she said to herself over and over but it did little good. Roman flicked open the box and Brittany seemed elated by what was inside. She threw her arms around the young man they way she did when Santana had done something particularly special or cute.
Roman pulled the necklace out from the small box and placed it around Brittany's neck like a collar officially proclaiming to everyone that she was his. When they began to kiss Santana couldn't bare to watch anymore. She closed the curtains and made her way down stairs to the kitchen, where a tub of cotton candy ice cream she had saved for the sleepover (Brittany's favorite) was waiting for her.
She dragged herself back upstairs, flipped open her lap top, and found Netflix. By the time Brittany returned with rose-colored cheeks she was half way through the first episode of adventure time. The blonde took a seat on the corner of the bed and waited for Santana to pause the show. Something unspoken hung in the air between them, but Santana insisted on pretending like there was nothing wrong.
"How'd it go?" She asked setting aside the partly eaten tub of ice cream.
Brittany's fingers raced the outline of a silver heart necklace with a precious blue gem inside. Santana had to admit that it suited her perfectly. Brittany on the other hand seemed to be a little lost in her own thoughts. Santana had never seen the girl so lost for words, but she waited patiently for her to find them.
"He told me he's in love with me and then he gave me this" Brittany said tapping the necklace. Her eyes focused and wandered over to Santana who was trying to play it cool.
"Wow that's...amazing Britt. Did you say it back?" She asked trying hard to keep the anxiety out of her voice although she already knew the answer.
Brittany looked confused and pained, but Santana couldn't place why.
"I've never been in love with someone before. I care about Roman a lot and I feel something when he's around, so I guess that's what people would call love." Brittany's eyes begged for answers, but Santana had none to give.
"San I think this-"
Santana held up her hand.
"Wait, I've been thinking too. As much fun as our sweet lady kisses are I think we should stop. We're best friends and you're in love with my brother. It just makes things messy when they don't need to be." Santana spoke in a much braver voice then she felt.
"I think that's best too, at least for now." Brittany said in a meek voice.
Santana reached across her bed and took Brittany's hand hoping to offer at least a little comfort.
"Go change clothes and hope in here with me. I can't finish this ice cream by myself and you're missing all the awesome Lady Rainicorn parts."
Brittany gave a soft smile and quietly did as she was told. Once she was dressed in Santana's favorite ducky pjs, she curled into Santana's side with her head on the girl's shoulder. The two took turns passing the spoon back and forth between them as they ate cotton candy ice cream and watched back to back episodes.
Eventually Brittany drifted off to sleep with Santana's shoulder as her pillow. Santana shut her computer and placed it on the ground carefully without waking the sleeping girl. Placing one last kiss on Brittany's forehead Santana whispered a soft "I love you Brittany" before wrapping the girl up in her arms and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.
*A/N-Please don't set my house on fire! Santana and Brittany are OTP endgame. As I've said before there will be no Roman/Brittany sex or pucktana sex. Yes it's mentioned in the story, but it wont actually happen. Cross my heart.
One of the things that really bothered me about glee is the whole Artie/Brittany/Santana issue. In the show Santana is crushed because Brittany refuses to drop artie like a hot potato and run away with her. This is a slow burn fic and I don't want to rush into a break up ether however I wanted to explore that dynamic in a more healthy and realistic way. Brittany just dumping roman for Santana would make Britt kind of a crappy person and a boring story in my opinion. We don't get to see much of how Brittany feels, but I can tell you that she's slowly discovering how deep her feelings for Santana go just as much as Santana is. She's a teenage girl with her own problems and thoughts to work out, which is what I'm trying to show here. Brittany doesn't know what love is suppose to feel like, so she's confused about the difference between her feelings for the Lopez siblings. She aslo has her own sense of right and wrong which she must follow.
I hope this little bit of insight helps ease the wait for the next chapter. If you have any questions or would like to talk about it more feel free to send me a message on Tumblr. Please review, but be kind when you do so. I hope you like the chapter and I hope it gave you as many feels as it gave me.
xoxo
-Grace.