Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or any of it's characters or locations.
There's some happiness in this chapter. I hope you all enjoy!
This is what it feels like, she says to herself, her eyelids heavy. She can make out the faint outline of the infirmary window. It's just the off white trim since the blinds are drawn; there's orange light coming from above her head. The sun is rising.
It must be about five in the morning now…how did I get here?
"What happened, Edea?"
"She came to me at about eleven at night, crying and telling me she didn't want to…live…anymore…"
"Hm…"
Matron?
Rinoa rolls over on her side, pulling Squall's jacket tighter around her. The sheets get tangled up in her frame, between her legs and around her waist, soshe pulls it up higher around her shoulders. Fading in and out of a sleep spell, she hears voices murmuring from behind the drawn privacy curtain.
"If I had known, I never would have sent Squall on that trip."
Cid?
"None of us knew, Headmaster. Squall's good at keeping secrets. His business is his business."
Quisty…you knew, though…I know you knew. That's why you were always prying, always making sure you said you love me…
Rinoa hiccups on the salt water draining from her eyes, biting her bottom lip. Being beneath a sleep spell is strange, especially after a prolongued period of time. It's almost as if you're floating with your eyes closed, but you can see everything still. It's worn and fuzzy what you do see, but there's no control over your body. She feels her eyelids grow heavy again as she descends into another slumber.
The group is in the Infirmary with Matron, Headmaster Cid and Dr. Kadowaki. Most of them are in their pajamas since they were awoken at an ungodly hour by a call from Headmaster that they had to report to Dr. Kadowaki immediately. When they saw the sorceress laying on the bed unconscious with Squall's jacket, they knew that something definitely wasn't right.
"Does Squall know what happened?" Quistis enquires, leaning back on the chair behind Dr. Kadowaki's desk. Headmaster Cid bobs his head in confirmation, standing straight next to his wife who looks like she has just seen a ghost.
"He's on his way back. He was told as soon as we brought her here around eleven-thirty. Once Dr. Kadowaki ran her tests to make sure no harm was done internally, that's when we contacted you all."
And it looked just that way. All four of the friends had heavy bags under their eyes and a coffee in their hands. When the coffee maker made its buzzing sound to signify it was done with the third pot, they rushed to the machine like the liquid was gold. Selphie put four packets of sugar in hers, Quistis took hers black, Zell added some extra creamer and Irvine made a face as he tried to stomach the murky liquid. They weren't allowed near Rinoa until she was dispelled by Matron so she could rest. Just seeing her frame from behind the curtain was enough for them to know that she's okay.
"I never thought that…" Zell begins, staring off at the curtain, "she would think about something like this…"
"I don't think any of us did, man," Irvine replies, "She's always so bubbly. I mean not Selphie bubbly but she's always smiling."
Quistis interjects, "Her smiles haven't been genuine for a while. I don't think any of us wanted to pry."
"Because Squall definitely becomes a butthead when we pry." Selphie says, emptying her cup of coffee with a couple of glugs.
The three friends stare at her in disgust.
"How can you even…"
There is a loud bang outside of the Infirmary that interrupts Irvine's statement about how gross it is that Selphie can chug coffee like she can water and the people who are standing opposite the door see an outline of black and yellow. A SeeD uniform jogging full force at the door.
Squall runs towards the door, whipping it open with a single flick of his arm. It screams like it's being pulled off the hinges before he's finally inside, looking at the curtain that hides his girlfriend.
Everyone sees the light drain from his baby blue eyes, the color drain from his face as he falls to his knees. He curls up almost in a child-like state, silent, just on his knees with his head in his hands and his hair falling over his face. They see his back rising and falling with his breathing, and he looks up, just staring at the curtain.
"Squall…" Matron walks towards him, kneeling beside him and placing a reassuring hand on his back.
"Please tell me she's alive…"
She smiles, nodding, "She's smart, Squall. She came to me. She didn't take any of the pills. Cid went to your apartment and got her medicine out. She's under a sleep spell right now since she looked exhausted."
Squall keeps staring, running a trembling hand through his hair, completely ignoring the frustration he feels for Cid breaking into their apartment.
I could have lost her, he thinks, I never should have left her here…
"I need to talk to her." Squall insists, standing up as straight as his anxiety and fatigue will allow. "How long has she been asleep?"
"About six or seven hours now. I put her under around eleven thirty and it's almost six now."
Matron goes behind the curtain. Rinoa's frame is bound tightly with a combination of blankets and Squall's jacket that she had taken with her when she left the apartment. Squall follows her, sitting beside the small mattress and taking his girlfriends hand. He feels her pulse, just to make sure that she's definitely here with him right now. When she tightens her hand and opens her eyes slowly, he breathes a sigh of relief.
"I'll leave you two alone." Matron drags her fingertips across Rinoa's arm, smiling at her before shutting the curtain behind her.
The two are in silence, just looking at each other before Rinoa bursts into tears, sitting up and wrapping her arms around her Knight. He pulls her onto him like all the times he had done in the past – with the bathtub, with the last night that they had together before he left – except this time he felt himself crying with her at the fact that he could have lost the one thing that gives his life so much meaning.
He rocked them gently with the heels of his boots, forward and backward in a soothing manner until their breathing had become a single steady rhythm. Rinoa pulls back, making a half smile and almost a giggle at the emotional side of Squall that she never sees.
"Never, would I ever have thought, that I would see the hard-ass Commander Squall Leonhart cry…" she whispers, keeping the conversation just between them. Squall has to smile at that for a second, pressing his forehead against hers.
It's so like her…making a joke during a moment like this.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here…and I'm sorry I left you." He says, taking his gloves off and throwing them on the hospital bed. Running his fingers through her hair, he takes some locks and twists them in between his fingers.
When he had gotten the call, he was running through some paperwork at the hotel. All he heard was 'Rinoa' and 'suicide' and he had gotten the fastest boat out of Dollet and back to Balamb. He thought she was gone – that she had done it – and that he was going to have to pick up the pieces of his heart as well as the pieces of the friends they share.
It kills him thinking that she would have rather died than have struggled here another moment.
"Don't blame yourself, please," Rinoa begs. "Please don't. I just…I need help. And it's time we both ask for it."
"You're…being so calm about this." Squall says, pulling back from her, "How can you be so calm right now?"
"Because I know what I did," she replies, "And how I felt wasn't good. We never should have tried to handle this ourselves. We should have trusted them…" Rinoa's head nudges towards the curtain, towards the group of friends who are silent and trying to intently listen at their conversation. Selphie is inching closer to the curtain. "It's time for them to help. And I'm ready to accept it. I never, ever…want to feel like that again, Squall."
A smile tugs at one side of Squall's lips. He's always amazed by her constant strength and hopeful outlook on life. Lately he's watched her fade away, but here she is, back, and ready to fight for the life that she's lost.
She stands up, taking Squall's hands and pulling him up. On her tip toes, she kisses him gently before pulling him outside of the curtain.
Rinoa's met by a teary eyed Selphie who pulls her close, hugging her tightly. Quistis does the same, her eyes glazed over from seeing her friend who she had once sworn she didn't like. Zell and Irvine hug her together; Irvine's hand pulling her in tightly from her lower back and Zell's arm wrapped around her shoulders.
"Rinoa," Dr. Kadowaki begins, "We're going to change your medicine. You may have better luck, but we want Squall to monitor it just for safety reasons."
The raven-haired girl nods, grabbing Squall's hand.
"And we've all come to an agreement that anything you guys need, just ask. That goes for you too, Squall."
"Even though he won't ask for it…" Quistis mutters under her breath. Selphie jabs her in the side with her elbow and she jumps.
Squall sighs, "No, I will. I didn't ask for it this long and well…"
"How long has this been going on for anyways?" Zell asks. When he asks, everyones eyes are on the two as if they're asking the same question. Squall and Rinoa look at each other and Rinoa nods.
"Seven months now." He answers. "But…Rinoa's right. We need help."
"And because you need help," Selphie says, a large smile spreading across her face, "We've all decided that we are living with you for the next week!"
Any and all looks of calm and tranquil on Squall's face disappear at the mentioning of their four friends staying at their house. First of all, their place is small and can barely fit two more people let alone four. There are no extra bedrooms, just a small living room, kitchen, bathroom and a bedroom.
Looks like Angelo may have to give up his dog bed.
"I don't think tha -."
"I would love for you guys to be with us."
"Yeah – wait, what?" Squall looks down beside him, seeing Rinoa with a tired smile on her face.
"I want them near, Squall," she says, "I've been distant lately and maybe I've gotten worse because I've isolated myself. So I think the company will be nice."
He has no choice but to oblige because it's what Rinoa wants and what Rinoa wants Rinoa gets. Just not in this circumstance due to the emotional turmoil she's just endured, but the girl has a keen way of knowing exactly what to do to get what she wants out of her Knight. Squall remembers one time in which they were walking through the shops in Winhill a couple of weeks after the war had finally ended. Rinoa had fallen in love with this ugly as Hyne – in Squall's opinion – wax melter. It was expensive, more expensive than a hi-potion because its made out of hand-blown glass and ceramic that is only found in Winhill. After a heated debate about how open flames were not allowed in Garden and that Squall preferred the plug in air fresheners, Rinoa walked out of the shop with a brown bag with the ugly wax melter and some scented waxes.
The thing is sitting beside their television in the living room.
This situation is different though. He feels the need to give in because he feels responsible for Rinoa's lack of judgement several hours ago. There was this feeling in the pit of his stomach the night he left, that something was going to go wrong, and he felt it as he watched her stand there at the docks as his boat sped away. Squall had thought it was just the feeling of leaving Rinoa in general, but it was the connection that the two have that was being strained because he had chosen to leave her instead of stay.
"Yeah…we can get some blow up mattresses for the living room." Squall says, wrapping his arm around Rinoa and pulling her closer. Selphie jumps up and down, her hands clasped together.
"And Squall, I'm giving you the next two weeks off," Cid says, crossing his arms, "Spend the time with Rinoa and your friends."
The idea of not having to go to work was great until the six of them arrive back at Squall and Rinoa's apartment with their bags and three air mattresses. Angelo was running at full speed towards the opened door to greet his owners but then froze at the large amount of people in the main hallway. Rinoa kneels down in front of the canine anyways, rubbing behind his ears as Squall takes the group into the living room and begins re-arranging furniture.
"So we're sleeping down here?" Irvine asks, taking the groups bags and placing them in the kitchen to their right.
"Well you're not sleeping in our room."
"I mean, Rinoa did say she wants us close…" he winks, following the irritated Knight into the living room. Squall stares at the room; there's an L-shaped couch, a large television propped on a coffee table, another small coffee table in front of the couch and a stand up lamp in the corner beside the couch. He has no idea how he's going to fit people in here.
He runs his hand through his hair.
"Two people can fit on the couch," he says, "Because the chaise portion is long enough to fit me and I'm one of the tallest."
"Fuck that, I don't want feet near my face." Zell says, putting his hands on his hips. "Let alone Irvine's. They're in those boots all day."
"Well it's not like I want that either, Athlete Foot King."
"It was ONE time!"
"Alright!" Squall yells over the two. Selphie is giggling in the corner and Quistis is standing beside Rinoa who is sitting on the ground with Angelo's head in her lap. She has a small smile on her face, but is otherwise engaged in petting her four legged friend. Quistis hears her whispering to him, that she's feeling better and thanking him for being there. The blonde smiles, sitting down beside Rinoa to watch the entertainment unfold.
It's always fun watching the three boys interact. Irvine pushes Zell's buttons, Zell gets irritated and angry and has an outburst and Squall puts up with it until he has to yell over the two. Otherwise, he's running his hand through his hair and doing whatever it is the boys are supposed to do anyways on his own.
"Just…take the air mattresses out of the boxes and I'll get the vacuum to blow them up."
"I want to go into Squall and Rinoa's room!" Selphie yells, jumping up and down with her arms extended in the air. Squall sighs, waving his hand as if saying, 'Fine go ahead' and the brunette giggles, running up the stairs with Angelo scampering at her feet.
"They should fit, Squall," Rinoa says, wiping her hands on her jeans and walking into the living room, "They're all twin mattresses and if we line one here," she points to the foot of the chaise portion of the couch, "And two next to each other parallel to the other portion of the couch, it should be fine."
"We would have to take the coffee table out." Squall replies, crossing his arms, "Where would we put it?"
"Um…I don't know, somewhere." She places her head on Squall's shoulder, "Would it fit in the coat closet?"
"No, it's too small to fit my leather jacket and my uniform jacket at the same time. Besides, you took up the floor room with your shoes."
"Did not!"
Squall looks down at her, his eyebrow raised, "Go look. You have six pairs of shoes in there."
When Rinoa goes to turn around with her nose in the air, she stops mid spin and realizes that he's right – she does have six pairs of shoes in there. So she spins back around and smiles coyly, "Heehee…"
"Told you."
"I have the vacuum!" Selphie exclaims, dragging the vacuum down the stairs with her loudly. Squall cringes.
That thing was over a thousand gil for Hynes sake…
The air mattresses are laid out on the floor in their designated spots and Zell and Irvine step aside as Squall plugs in the vacuum and takes out the hose.
"I thought vacuums were only supposed to take air in?" Zell leans against the wall with his arms in his pockets and Irvine watches intently at the buttons Squall is pushing to make the air go the opposite way. He ignores Zell's question and he places the nozzle of the hose beside the air mattresses on his side. While he doesn't look, Irvine bends down and pushes a random button on the vacuum, not knowing what it's going to do.
Everyone besides Squall sees it and Quistis has a worried hand over her mouth. Rinoa is trying not to giggle because she knows what button Irvine pushed and Zell looks like he's prepping himself to run out of the house. He's slowly inching towards the opening in the wall to walk out before Squall pushes the on button and all of the dust and gatherings that are inside of the vacuum splatter out all over the living room.
Selphie, Irvine and Zell fall into fits of laughter at Squall's wide-eyed look and shock as he swears loudly, fumbling with the vacuum for ten seconds before finally pulling the cord out of the wall. At this point, dust is everywhere – glued to the walls, the coffee table and the mattresses with the felt tops.
"Who did that?!" He shouts, glaring at Zell, Irvine and Selphie. Squall hears Rinoa giggle behind him and he turns around, looking at her red face from holding back laughter. At the sight of Squall's face – and the pieces of dust clinging to his hair – she begins laughing aloud with Quistis beside her. The sound of her laughter fills his soul, and Squall smiles softly, sighing at the three idiots still laughing beside him.
"Clean that up," he throws the hose at Irvine, "And it's better I don't know who actually pushed the reset button."
Quistis and Squall move the coffee table upstairs in front of Squall and Rinoa's bed while Selphie, Zell and Irvine try to clean up every inch of dust that was blown out of the vacuum cleaner. Rinoa follows Squall upstairs, sitting on the bed as the two friends position the coffee table so Rinoa doesn't run into it in the middle of the night on her trips to the bathroom.
"I'll go downstairs to help them clean. They're not the best at it." Quistis leaves the couple in the room, her blonde hair bobbing down the stairs as they hear her sigh, "Really? That's Zell's face, not the dust that's everywhere!"
Rinoa smiles, looking up at Squall in front of her. He kneels down, his hands on her thighs before he reaches one hand up, brushing his thumb against her cheek. "You seem better."
"I would like to say I feel it, but I kind of just feel…" she shrugs, "Numb. But it's nice to laugh and see something funny. I haven't done that in a while."
Squall nods, "It'll be nice for you to have them around. For me…I'll just have to try to not strangle them."
"You love them, Squall. It'll be good for you too." She ruffles his hair gently, her nails trailing down his face to the stubble that had accumulated from not shaving for a couple days. "It'll be good for both of us."
"It'll be better once the living room is clean…"
Rinoa smiles gently, leaning down and kissing his cheek. "I love you, Squall."
"I love yo -."
"SQUALL!"
Squall groans, "WHAT?"
"What's for lunch?!"
Pizza is for lunch and dinner because neither Squall nor Rinoa can be bothered to cook a full meal for themselves and their four friends. They all sit in the living room in front of the television watching a crime network special, picking at what is left on their plates. Squall and Rinoa are cuddled on the couch, Rinoa's legs extended on the chaise portion. Qusitis and Selphie are sandwiched beside Squall and Irvine and Zell are sitting on their designated air mattresses.
"These things are comfortable," Zell says, bouncing on his. "I think anything is comfortable after you've slept on the floor of a train."
"You brought that on yourself." Squall says, "Apparently the SeeD bunk beds weren't up to par."
"Hey, we're SeeDs! We need comfortable beds after fighting all day."
"Excuse me, all but two of us are SeeDs." Irvine jumps in, handing his crust to Angelo who trots off into the hallway to munch on the treat. "Rinoa and I aren't."
"Yeah, one is a Sorceress and the other is a sharpshooter who cracks under pressure."
Irvine shoots a glare at Zell who is snickering, staring at the television. Quistis is rolling her eyes, pushing around her salad.
The room is silent once more before Squall stands up to put his plate in the trash. Rinoa pulls her knees up to her chest, situating herself in the corner of the couch until he comes back.
"Rinoa?" Quistis says, looking at her friend. Rinoa tilts her head to the side.
"I'm happy you didn't do it. We all are."
"We're happy your safe," Selphie chimes in, leaning forward to see the girl on the corner of the couch. "We…would have been really upset."
Rinoa nods, looking down at her printed pajama pants. She picks at the piece of fleece that is sticking out amongst the rest.
She's happy she's here too, but she feels guilty that she's put so many people through so much pain in a short amount of time. She's seen Squall cry, Quistis and Selphie teary eyed, Matron worried and Irvine and Zell holding her tighter than ever all in one day and it's all her fault. It's because she was tired of fighting. Well, tired of losing the fight that is going on in her head all hours of every day.
She's tired of hurting, tired of not sleeping and not feeling welcome and alienated.
"I just…I was tired of fighting." She says, Squall sitting down beside her. "It's not like the fighting we did during the war. Those wounds are healed with some potions and magic but this…I just felt like I haven't been going anywhere. That I'm behind and I want more than I have and I can't get it no matter how hard I try…"
Her eyes stay focused on the piece of fleece on her pants, her nail picking at it and trying to get it out.
"And because of that, I felt stuck. I hate feeling stuck. Especially now since I'm so used to everything at such a high speed because of the war…but I'm happy I'm here too. And I'm sorry if I worried or made you upset -."
Rinoa is cut off by a chorus of 'no' and 'Rinoa oh my god' before she is smothered with hugs by Selphie. Squall pulls away from her, letting their friends take center stage to make sure Rinoa knows she's supported not only by him, but by them as well.
"We're always here for you," Quistis begins, "And don't ever apologize."
"Yeah, it's not your fault, Rin," Zell says, patting her on the knee. "It happens."
"And we're always here to talk to you." Selphie says as she rests her head on Rinoa's shoulder. "Don't ever feel like we don't love you or we don't care, because we do."
"I know…" she says, putting her head on top of Selphie's.
Squall watches the scene unfold before him. Zell and Irvine in front of her on the ground, Selphie and Quistis at her sides. She's so loved and he doesn't understand why she didn't think of that before wanting to take the pills. But then he thinks. He realizes that Rinoa here, in this moment, was gone for so many months fighting a battle that he had no idea was so gruesome. The fighting took her heart and soul and left this shadow that he's been taking care of to make sure that she didn't hurt herself or dig herself into a deeper hole.
He feels so dumb for not asking for help sooner. Seeing Rinoa being surrounded by them makes him realize that he's been selfish all of this time – wanting to hide her condition and how their relationship has suffered because of it. If he had just asked in the beginning or told the group what was going on, Rinoa may not have gotten to the point where she didn't want to live anymore.
It kills him, knowing and thinking that part of her downfall is his fault. Him leaving, him keeping it a secret…
"I'm just thankful I have all of you, especially you, Squall."
Squall looks up. He sees Rinoa, gently smiling at him with her eyes teary.
"You've been…so amazing these past months. Helping me and taking care of me. I'm happy I have you."
He just nods, keeping his eyes on his friends. "We're all happy you're here" is the only thing he could say that was truthful. He is happy she's here, he always has been even when she annoyed the heck out of him. She brought him happiness, sunshine, and she continues to even when she's in her own head with glassy eyes.
"Hey, I have an idea!" Selphie shouts, bouncing in her seat, "I say we go on a trip!"
"Where?" Rinoa tilts her head to the side, "Like away form here?"
"Think of it this way, you've been so down in the dumps here in this apartment for so long, maybe you just really need to get out! Hey! Let's go to Deiling City like we did for your twenty-first birthday, Rinny!"
"That sounds like fun," Quistis replies, nodding, "I think we could all do with a little get away."
"It'll be like old times," Zell says, smiling, "Just the six of us, no orders that we're out on."
Squall keeps his distance from the group who are now chattering about hotel rooms and on their phones making plans for the week ahead. He leans his head against the wall and sighs.
I just hope this trip makes her smile.