He observed his elder brother's sad expression while singing and regretted that Maedhros had chosen this song. He should have suggested something merrier himself really, and should not have given in into singing this one that was so linked to Aegnor's passing. But he had not had the energy to protest, nor the strength to keep his own grief from seeping through while he sang. He was tired of being locked within these cold stones, defending a fortress that he loathed, for its halls were unfriendly and built for defense only, and no warmth could be found here when its master was away.
He finished his song and as he looked up, he stared into Maedhros' bright eyes.
"That was beautiful, thank you for sharing it with me. You should sing now and then in the hall, it would bring some life back to this cold place." he spoke with a faint smile.
Maglor refrained himself from bluntly refusing as he saw the look on his elder brother's face. Singing would be painful, it almost always was nowadays, but it might bring some relieve to others, that much was true. And maybe it would even be worth the struggle, to see his brother laugh.
"But for now, come, tell me that story of long ago, now that we have time to talk."
How could he start?
"I know what you want to hear, but so much time has passed since those days at the lake, when Curufin's border patrols came back to tell that the skirmishes that had been ongoing at our northern flank had all but stopped for a force of elves had come from over the ice to our aid."
"Try, brother, however hard that tale is for you, try to explain to me what happened, how it happened, and what might be relevant in these times. We have time."
He knew then that Maedhros would not leave him alone before he had the full tale, and he started collecting his memories, shaping them in a story of some kind.
"You know as well as I do that we never thought that they would follow us. Who would have thought that uncle Nolo would have been so stupid and stubborn as to continue over the ice? Privately, I always thought that father had hoped that they would turn back to the safety of Aman, the Valar know I did. Atto might have lost all love he once had for Nolofinwë at that point, but he did not wish his people come to harm." He paused a moment before he added with a wry smile, "But even he seemed to have underestimated how much alike him his brother was. I guess giving up is just not part of the nature of any of grandfather Finwë's offspring."
He saw his brother nodding in response, it was not as if he had told him anything new, probably Maedhros had been discussing these things with Fingon for a long time.
"So there they were, and suddenly, the moon rose. And we were scared and we were confused, for with the host that had crossed, light had returned. We wondered in those days if the host of Fingolfin had received some blessing of the Valar after all, no longer coming for their initial goal of waylaying Morgoth, but to take revenge on us. However, Curufin's patrols quickly brought back the news that they were riding towards Angband rather than to our encampments, and we realised that though the events had happened at the same time, this might have been a coincidence after all."
He paused and stood up, pouring himself a drink before he continued.
"Then we got messages that they were seen riding towards the lake, and I had to make my decisions quickly. So it was that I was faced with one of the more difficult moments of my regency. How to act diplomatically towards those that we had betrayed only shortly before? I did not wish for conflict for it would weaken us further, while all I had in mind was building strength to march against the enemy.
I had put Celebrimbor in charge of the development of housing and he had been doing an excellent job, so we had some wooden cabins ready at that point and I decided that we would abandon them in favour of those that were newly arriving. You must know that all our scouts were returning with reports on how worn and exhausted the hosts of Fingolfin looked, even if some time had passed since they had entered our lands."
He grimaced as he remembered, it had indeed been one of his more difficult moments, with all opposing his decision, calling him a names, telling him that he was fleeing from the confrontation. But he had held his ground, explained them over and over again why and how, and in the end most had understood. Most, but not all.
"So they came, and I started sending messages towards our relatives. Rather secretly, though, as there were still some within our own group that were opposed to my decisions. They were no real political messages, I just wanted to make sure that they had the right account of facts, telling them about father, telling them about you." He averted his gaze from his brother's face and stared into the fire, leaning against the table. "They had a right to know. At first, there came no reply, I guess the anger of our uncle was still too great at what had happened. But I continued, sending him copies of maps that Celegorm had developed, sending him reports on the enemy's troops which Curufin had managed to put together, with warnings and information on what we had learnt in years before. And we sent them food, and tools, to get them started."
He fell silent for a while, lost in memory of those days, until Maedhros softly interrupted his thoughts.
"You know that uncle Nolo once told me that they probably would have lost a lot more of his people even then had you not given up that settlement? He was impressed by you and by your generosity, Maka."
He laughed bitterly at that statement. "If that is true, he hid it well then, when we first met."
When he had first encountered Nolofinwë, it had been at a location that had been carefully chosen amidst the two camps. Both had come with only a small contingent of their personal guard, which was bad enough, as they really should not have had any need of them.
"I met uncle Nolo at the edge of the lake, none of our other cousins was with him, not even Findarato who had been appointed by then as the leader of his father's people. He was stern and proud as ever, and we eyed each other wearily for a while. I then decided to break the silence with some general enquiries and after some minutes we started talking on why we really had met." He paused again, sipping from his cup of water.
"He asked me if I was going to claim Kingship over the Noldor, as the eldest son alive of the eldest son. I was not surprised at his request, for even if I had never received any reply to my messages aside from a very brief letter that he had sent to share some condolences at Atto's- and your –demise, I knew he had received them and doubtlessly had understood that I was in charge of our followers. I must say he had carefully heeded my advices up till that point.
I told him then what I had told our brothers years before, that I would do what I must to keep our people safe. 'Our' people I said, and I think he understood then, that I did not only mean our own followers. He did not offer much of a reply but steered the conversation elsewhere, asking how our brothers were doing, that our cousins sent us their regards and more small talk followed, after he questioned if there was any news on the enemy and we talked a bit on the situation in the lands beyond the mountains. I do not remember how long we talked, but when we parted, I know that some of the hostility that had hung between us at the beginning of that day had disappeared."
He sat himself down again then, pensively staring into the fire "I like to believe that in those days, though many found me too passive, I at least laid out some of the foundations of our later reconciliation. It is as you have said countless times since, we need to stand united or we do not even have a chance. After that day, we met regularly, uncle Nolo and me, and sometimes Findarato would join us, so we had the three fractions present. I avoided taking any of our brothers with me as long as I could, but in the end they grew ever more suspicious of my doings, and I had to bring them along."
"They did not trust you?" Maedhros stared at him
"No, they did not, maybe they still don't. Tyelko and Curu did not like my sharing of information. They felt as if they were doing the work, while I then gave away all they had achieved without getting anything in return." He shrugged. "It did not matter."
"You must have been very much alone, I never realised that." Maedhros whispered.
He shrugged again. "The task was mine, the weight was mine to bear. No matter if others did not understand, as long as I knew that I was doing the right thing, that I saw where we were going, why we were acting as we were, I was happy enough. You must know brother, that by that time, I thought you were lost forever – and never have I planned for the short term only. And after a while I felt that at least uncle Nolo understood what my intentions were."
"How did my return change your plans Maka?"
"It did not, If anything, it delayed them a little. I would have done the same as what we did afterwards, would have removed our brothers from that place, set tasks for them to keep them occupied beyond what they had done those first years, the lake area was becoming too small. The crown was never more than a trinket to me. I did not care what they called me, captain, prince or king, as long as they did what was needed to strengthen our forces to attack the enemy. When you returned, politically, for me it changed nothing. On a personal level, you know that when Finno succeeded in what I could not, it has changed everything." He averted his gaze from his brother. There were things he would not talk, not even now.
"But we got distracted, for you wanted to hear what happened between me and Curu." He took a deep breath. "One day, when I returned from one of my conversations with the other fraction, Caranthir and I were riding back to our camp. It was about a week after uncle Nolo had told me that Finno had disappeared and he had asked us if any of our scouts had seen him. On that occasion we had brought him the news that indeed he had been spotted moving towards the Shadow Mountains." He wiped his hand over his face, trying hard to keep his composure. "I already told you that our brothers wanted someone else to be present at those meetings, and to be honest, I think it has helped rather than stopped me, as they finally started to see why I was doing things. It took me some effort to rule them in in front of our cousins though." He smiled dryly, "especially Caranthir, you know how he and uncle Finarfin's brood never got along. Looking back, if I have done anything wrong, it was that I did not involve our brothers enough in the thought process behind my choices. Not that it would have changed any of my decisions, they were still mine to make. In any case, Curu was waiting for us just outside our camp, suddenly eager to talk to me alone. You know, we never call him Atarinke anymore, as mother did, but in that moment, he was indeed just like father. He was full of fire, telling me that he had something for me, a gift of sorts, something that would please me. I was weary for he had opposed me since the day you disappeared, but decided I would give him a chance to explain. So I asked Caranthir to leave us and reluctantly he went ahead.
Then Curu trusted a heavy bundle in my hands, I had no clue what it could be. I unwrapped the velvet cloth and found a crown, Nelyo, a heavy, beautiful, golden crown. I still do not know where he found the metal or how he hid its creation from us for so long, but there it was. He told me that it had been long enough that the people had been leaderless and that he was planning with Tyelko to have a coronation ceremony at the next waxing of the moon, which was only a few days off." He sighed "I am sure he meant well, but I grew angry, after all the time that I had spent to carefully mend the rift with our uncle, after all the explanations I had been giving them, they still had not understood that this would do more harm than any of our enemy's attacks. I did not want to be called king, Nelyo, and I guess deep down hope had stirred within me, kindled by our cousin's wild actions, that you might be still alive."
"Curu got mad at me then, called me a coward and a weakling, which he had done before, but though previous times I had managed to keep my own temper, this time I lost it. I shouted at him and we had a fight, a real one this time. Oh he did not draw his sword on me, at least he had that much sense, but we did fight, as if we were two young hounds, rolling on the ground. And despite his strength and his fury, I discovered that I still could best him. So I hit him out cold. I returned to camp and once I arrived there, I sent Tyelko and Carnistir to retrieve him so he could be brought to his tent without anyone noticing." He looked at Maedhros, tiredly "I am not proud of what I did that day, brother, but ever since, at least he has not opposed me anymore publicly."
"And the others? What did they say?"
"I think Carnistir understood what had happened and why I had reacted as I had. Tyelko would off course have heard Curu's story first, but I think even he saw further than that one incident and knew that there was some sense in the course I was steering. The twins," he shrugged, "I kept them out of it, they did not want to become involved in what they saw as their elder brothers quarreling once more. No, after, only Curu carried some grudge against me, but we have managed fairly well to avoid one another since and it seems that that will not change any time soon, now that he fled south. And as for the crown, shortly after Finno returned, you and I solved that problem for once and for all."
He stood up again then, and filled his cup with something stronger than the water he had been drinking so far. Maedhros as well did not speak for a long time, and together they pensively stared towards the dancing flames.
"I understand now. And I see what our challenge will be. It is strange, brother, how we have managed to avoid this conversation for so long, we who once spent every night together under the stars, talking about the politics and intrigues at the court in Tirion." A weak smile flashed over Maedhros' face as he continued. "I would like to think that maybe we have a second chance here."
"There is no returning to those times, Nelyo, never. But I will stay with you for now, if that is what you are asking. Maybe I can be of service to you."
"I should start calling you again by the name father gave you, I think, if only to remind you who you are. Kanafinwë. For that is who you truly are, don't you see it yourself? After all that you have just told me? It is a pity you are the one writing the songs here, for if I would find another, I would make him sing of you and your valiant deeds."
"Nelyo, I do not seek that type of glory, I never did and never will, nor do I think that my deeds are worth praising. It is enough for me to know that I have fulfilled my duty as well as I could."
He saw his elder brother looking at him and this time was not able to avert his eyes from that piercing gaze.
"Yes, I see what you mean." Maedhros at length replied "Your sense of duty ever has been strong. But still I do not think it is for duty alone that you have fought all these years. For revenge, for justice perhaps, but even those reasons I think were born from the love you bore our people, our father, me and all our brothers. I know for a fact that it was not for the jewels for which we once started this journey, though I do not doubt that you ever remembered that oath in all you did."
He could not do anything else than nod in acknowledgement. His brother had somehow understood. And as he watched the flames' reflection flicker upon the cup he was holding, hesitantly he spoke again, voicing a thought that had formed in the months before, while holding this fortress. "I do not know what the future will bring, Nelyo, but there will be no more peace. I foresee dark days to come and I do not think I want to deal with them alone anymore. Let us stay close and face the end towards which we now are heading together, you and I."
At that, Maedhros raised his own cup in salute. "Together" was all he said and no other words were needed.